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You know how everyone knows the story of Mishima and his Shield Society mates storming an army base, trying to stage a coup, failing spectacularly, and nobly committing seppuku - but nobody knows the story of the guy who drove them to that army base in the first place?
I feel that way about Haida and Inui sometimes.
I deserve a good part of the credit here!
Now, I admire the hell out of Inui. She’s fierce, in her own way. She figures out what she wants, and then she goes after it with the fearless unstoppable determination of a Special Attack Unit pilot. And while she fights for what she wants, she’ll admit when she’s wrong. She’s like me, in a way.
But Haida… look, Haida’s my best friend. He’s a good fella. But he’s a moron. He’s dense, obtuse, a doofus. If it wasn't for me he would have gotten very confused, and thrown away something that I will grudgingly admit is beautiful.
I mean, this chump still has a crush on Retsuko. Yeah. I’ve been playing interference on that front for a while now. It’s what friends do.
You know I used to want him and Retsuko to get together? I may be too sophisticated to care about romance, but the thought of my two friends together gave me this warm feeling. So I did my best to encourage him.
And then one day he got pneumonia, and Retsuko visited him in the hospital, and finally spilled his guts out to her. And Retsuko shot him down hard. She wasn’t interested. Now most people, when rejected like that, would have moved on. I sure would’ve. But no, this putz continued to just sort of hang around, clearly still crushing on Retusko.
But one day I went drinking with him. It was the Thursday after Inui first asked him out, I think. And Haida, poor stupid Haida, told me about her offer to stay in and cook him dinner. As if it wasn't a clear proposal to stay the night and dance the horizontal tango with him. I wasn’t ready to give up on him and Retsuko, though. I wasn’t ready for the battle to end.
But Haida, for the first and only time in his lovestruck life, declared that Retsuko was just his friend. Nothing more. Just someone you hang out with at work. I believed him.
If only he believed himself. Because just then, his crush texted him, asking for “guitar lessons.”
I tried to talk him away from the ledge. I really did. But this loser texted back “sure thing”! And seemed surprised that he did! He had the gall to utter a flat “what”! As if he wasn’t the one who texted back! And on the subway home, he got another text - Retsuko asking if he was free on Saturday. Just before his date with Inui.
This idiot, this buffoon, this blank-eyed spaced-out terminally retarted moron, was going to text back “yes.”
I could have given up. Backed away from the flaming garbage barge that's Haida’s love life. Ready with condescending “I told you so”s for when the situation inevitably blews up in his face.
But I didn’t.
I took his phone from him. He clearly couldn’t be trusted with it. His phone privileges could be restored after I texted Retsuko that he was busy.
Because if I had given up on him and Retsuko, so that he and Inui could be together? They were getting together.
Keeping that ship sailing was hard, thankless work. I spent weeks diverting Haida’s attention from his crush. And it didn’t help that Retsuko was suddenly being all mysterious. She was spending all her time on this side gig, and hiding it from everyone. And guys like Haida love mysterious girls.
Just imagine, for a second, how with one hand I had to keep Haida and Retsuko apart, with another I was investigating Retsuko, and with a foot I was nudging Inui forward. Not that she needed the nudging. Haida told me about some of their dates. Cherry blossoms, open mic nights, ballroom dancing. I’m almost jealous of Haida. I’d love to date someone like Inui, just to see how far they’d go for me.
Anyway, Retsuko. I had hoped that her secret was boring. But no, this was her idol phase. (You know about that, right?) I almost had a heart attack when I saw her on her group’s social media page. Her night job was leading on legions of horny boys, and her day job was working alongside one. So I kept Retsuko’s secret to myself. I knew it would be disastrous if Haida found out.
And then Retsuko was stabbed by a nutter. Remember that?
I was afraid that the Haida/Inui front would falter. Inui had been starting to notice things, and Haida reacted to the news suspiciously strongly. I knew I had to steer the couple carefully.
Haida and I were going to visit Retsuko in the hospital, of course. But I saw trouble ahead. If we didn’t bring Inui wih us, Haida might start thinking with his nether regions and do something stupid. But if we did ask Inui to visit with us, Haida might forget to behave in front of his girlfriend and do something stupid.
I had to think quickly. I brainstormed approaches, made contingencies, and before long concocted a plan. Haida’s a nerd, you see. So how do I distract him from his crush?
With a bigger nerd. One of my Zwitter followers was a programmer, and she’d fallen into a bad crowd. Devotees of this obscure programming language from the sixties, except it’s also from fifteen years ago, and I think it has something to do with coffee. Anyway, I got her to do me a favor.
I started boosting her account, and in return she spent a lunch hour pretending to a friend of mine, and joined Haida’s and my visit to the hospital. With my blessing, she drowned Haida in chatter about, er, whatever it is she did.
Haida got competitive. Oh, you should’ve been there. He couldn’t admit that he’d been out-nerded. He kept trying to match her, but she was leagues ahead of him. I could tell he couldn’t keep up. She could too. I will always remember the face she made when he referred to - oh, what exactly had he said? “Function-oriented programming,” I think it was. She looked like he had insulted her parents.
And my plan worked like a charm. Haida spent the entire hospital visit trying and tragically failing to debate computer stuff with a computer person, and was too busy salvaging his pride to fall in love with my contact. He and Retsuko barely talked, and for a day Haida had forgotten about his crush. The day was saved.
And then a while later Retsuko was discharged from the hospital, and came back to work. It was nose to the grindstone for me again.
Look, all I’m asking for is some recognition for my role in getting Haida and Inui together. I’ll admit that more than half the credit goes to Inui. (She ever tell you about the camping trip she took Haida on?) And Haida gets some points for restraining his impulse to panic and run screaming.
But I’ve worn myself to the ground keeping that putz away from Retsuko! He would have ruined everything if it wasn’t for me! I am the reason they’re together!
I don’t want much. Just for them to, I don’t know, name their firstborn after me, perhaps?
Is that too much to ask for?