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"It's soooooooooo cold! Why'd we have to meet today, of all days?"
The voice is immediately recognisable, and Mizuki snorts, pulling their gaze away from their phone to look up at Ena as she walks towards the table. Their eyebrows raise upon seeing her outfit, a white blouse with delicate lace ruffles and a black skirt. It's a very typical Ena outfit, but completely at odds with how the seasons are rolling over into winter. Regret is written all over Ena's face, her arms clutched tightly to her in an attempt to keep them warm, and Mizuki can't help but poke fun at her.
“You’re dressed in a literal sheet of paper, what did you expect?”
“You said I looked cute in this outfit!” Ena retorts. Then she adds, slightly petulantly, "I wanted to post selfies of us today."
“Not to wear in winter weather! Look at Kanade, she’s dressed perfectly.” They point to Kanade, dressed in her usual blue tracksuit with a fluffy black jacket over it, and she merely blinks in response.
Ena just huffs in exasperation, but there's no heat behind it. She slides into the seat next to Mizuki, who shuffles aside to make space for her. The glasses of water Mizuki had ordered in advance clink against each other as Ena reaches for one and takes a sip.
“Hey, Kanade,” she says with a nod to the girl sitting opposite them, her voice much gentler than before.
“Hi, Ena,” Kanade replies. She fiddles with the sleeves of her jacket, then looks up. "I'm surprised you were earlier than Mafuyu."
Mizuki stifles a surprised laugh behind their hand, glancing over to Ena as she frowns. "Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing." Kanade smiles, her eyes crinkling at the corners and sparkling in amusement, and although her smile isn't directed at them Mizuki finds themself smiling along anyway.
Ena scoffs and crosses her arms. "Mizuki's teasing is rubbing off on you. They're a bad influence."
Laughing softly to themself, Mizuki leaves them to talk and turns to face the windows of the restaurant, which face the street. Outside, the trees with their skeletal, bare branches sway in the wind. Mizuki remembers that same freezing wind biting at their face as they walked to the restaurant, dead leaves crunching beneath their feet. Winter is coming, and they're surrounded by reminders of it.
Winter, their least favourite period of the year, because no amount of cute seasonal outfits and Christmas sales can rid them of the creeping anxiety that shadows them everywhere. The one that tells them that no matter how far they run, the future they fear will always reach them.
Unbidden, Mizuki's thoughts turn to Ena’s words from before. You said I looked cute in this outfit. I wanted to post selfies of us today. Their smile slowly fades away as they turn the words around in their mind, easily recognising the care laced among them. Even weeks after their conversation on the rooftop of Kamikou, Ena is still constantly extending her hand to them.
When will she get tired of it?
Pain jolts them out of their thoughts, and Mizuki belatedly realises that they've been digging their fingernails into their arm. They frown, tracing the crescent indents left behind. They've been looking forward to this meeting, for the chance to smile without any worries, and they shouldn't be giving into these fears when their friends are right beside them.
A gust of cold wind suddenly blows into the restaurant as someone opens the door. Wanting something to distract themself, Mizuki glances over, then does a double take.
Mafuyu stands in the entrance of the restaurant, their hair out of its usual ponytail and flowing past their shoulders, but Mizuki’s attention is on their clothes. They’re wearing a white buttoned shirt and dark blue jeans, along with a thick winter jacket: the outfit that Mizuki immediately realises is the one that they’d picked out for Mafuyu a week ago.
They still remember the way he'd looked at himself in the mirror after trying on the clothes. The swirl of apprehension and curiosity in their eyes, the realisation that they could be more than what they’d always been. He hadn’t said anything aside from a short “I like it”, but it was all Mizuki needed.
As Mafuyu crosses over to the table, Ena calls out to them. “Mafuyu!”
“Hi, everyone.” They sit down next to Kanade and shrug off their jacket. "I'm sorry for being late. I was at archery practice."
"In this cold?" Ena asks with a frown.
"Yes. I also do it barefoot."
"What?"
Mafuyu doesn't offer any further explanation, instead taking one of the menus stacked neatly on the side of the table. "Have you guys ordered yet?"
"We were waiting for you," Mizuki replies, and as Mafuyu glances towards them they make eye contact for half a second, maybe less, but silent understanding passes between them.
No one asks about Mafuyu’s new clothes, a far cry from those they usually wear to their meetups, and it feels like they have a shared secret. Mizuki tucks this knowledge close to their chest.
They finish their meals, but not after Kanade mulls over what to order for far too long, and Ena insists on taking photos of their food once it arrives. The ramen sits warm in Mizuki’s stomach, along with the company of their friends, and as they stand from the table and move towards the entrance Mizuki finds themself smiling unconsciously.
The door handle is cold when they touch it. Quickly, Mizuki pushes open the door to the restaurant. Cold air rushes to meet them and they flinch, unprepared for the sudden phantom needles that pierce their skin. Their coat suddenly feels too thin, the temperature outside much lower than when they first left the house.
With their face still shielded, they don't notice their surroundings until Ena gasps and claps her hands together loudly. “It’s snowing!"
“Hm?” Kanade murmurs, and Mizuki removes the hand shielding their face to look up at the sky.
The gleam of the mid afternoon sun makes them wince while their eyes adjust. Slowly, the swirling specks of white come into view, floating downwards to them. Mizuki raises a hand and catches one on the tip of their finger, entranced. If there's anything they like about their least favourite season, it's snow. The powdery glitter that dusts the roads every year isn't close to enough to soothe their anxieties, but it's pretty, and it distracts them for just a little.
In the corner of Mizuki’s eye, Ena bounces on the spot, her face bright. "The first snowfall of the year — c’mon, make a wish!"
"Make a wish?" Kanade echoes.
“Make a wish. Close your eyes,” Ena says helpfully.
Kanade complies, lowering her head and clasping her hands in front of her, and the sight reminds Mizuki of a child at their birthday party. That’s when it strikes them. Kanade has so much to wish for: her father to get better, her songs to reach people, and to save Mafuyu.
Mizuki, on the other hand, has nothing. Nothing but their selfish wish to stay with their friends. They can't count how many times they've wished for it — for everyone to stop talking about them, for their friends to stop leaving. Desperate pleas to no one that the loneliness will stop eating them alive, and that they could just be themself.
They've never come true, but here, surrounded by their friends like this, Mizuki can imagine them still together for weeks, even months into the future. It always starts like this: spending time with their friends, packing their heart full enough that the gaps don’t show, pretending that they could continue like this forever. And it always ends the same way: the moment ends, and reality has Mizuki back in its chokehold again.
Yet they chase the high of feeling wanted over and over again, and in this particular one they make a wish.
They don't feel any better when they open their eyes, just slightly silly for thinking that it could fix anything. But the snow has already fallen, and the wish has already been sent, so they unclasp their hands and return to the present.
Mizuki turns to Mafuyu, still blankly staring at the sky. They nudge him with an elbow. “Make a wish on yourself, Yuki,” they say, and snicker at their own joke.
They don’t expect Mafuyu to laugh, or to even wish for anything. It certainly doesn't seem like he will; for a moment, he remains transfixed on the falling snow, as if he hadn't heard them at all.
"The first snowfall of the year," they say quietly.
Violet eyes flick to meet Mizuki’s, then close as Mafuyu lowers his head and makes a wish. Surprised, they go completely still as they watch a snowflake delicately land on Mafuyu’s eyelashes. He looks… peaceful, Mizuki realises, with his eyes closed. He always has a certain tranquil quality about him, but it feels more like an artificial calm than a peaceful one. But like this, the slope of his lips is untouched by his constant need to keep a mask on.
When Mafuyu raises their head again, Mizuki watches them closely, curiosity overwhelming them. Mafuyu’s gaze flits from the sky to Mizuki. His lips part slightly, about to say something, but Ena interrupts them.
"I should really go home now, it's freezing," she complains, her original elation at the snow quickly overshadowed by the cold. She rubs her hands together, then places them on her neck to warm them up, frowning.
"I can give you my jacket."
"What?" Ena snaps her head toward Kanade. "Kanade—"
Kanade tucks her jacket into Ena's arms, having removed it at a speed Mizuki would never have thought of her. "I'm used to the cold, anyway."
"But—"
"I'll just walk you home and then take my jacket back, okay?"
Ena opens her mouth, then closes it again. With a sigh, she puts on the jacket, her face flushed slightly pink. "Thanks."
"Bye guys!" Mizuki chirps, waving as Kanade and Ena set off down the street. Mizuki watches them go with their hand still hovering in the air and a smile still on their lips. Ena's head is tilted towards Kanade scoldingly while the shorter girl's shoulders shake with what seems like laughter, and suddenly the want to stay with them forever seizes Mizuki.
It's only small things, like how Ena is tugging Kanade forward by her wrist, trying to get her out of the cold as quickly as possible, but Mizuki would do anything to keep them in the space they've carved into their life. They want to keep them in this warm bubble they've created, clutch them closely to their chest and never let go.
They hear a soft rustle of clothes as Mafuyu turns to leave, and Mizuki stirs from their reverie. Shaking off the thoughts, they fall into step next to him, and they make their way past a row of shops. Some are already lined with Christmas lights, flashing brightly along with the occasional signs for holiday sales. Combined with the relative silence of the post lunch hour period, it's a picturesque snapshot of winter.
"Aren't you going home?" Mafuyu asks, once they reach the end of the block.
They don't want to go home.
"I want to talk to you a little more." Does Mafuyu want to go home? "I can walk you home."
"Okay."
A few seconds pass in silence. Now that they're alone, Mizuki can't seem to work up the words to ask Mafuyu about his wish. Instead, they focus on the indistinct sound of traffic and the scuff of boots against pavement. They've always preferred to fill time with chatter rather than allow their thoughts to roam free, yet somehow they can't grasp a thread of conversation now.
"I thought you said you wanted to talk." Mafuyu's voice cuts through the silence, soft and clear.
The directness startles Mizuki, who huffs a surprised laugh. "I was thinking."
"Okay." He leaves it at that, and Mizuki's thoughts circle back around to asking about his wish. Mafuyu had been about to say something after he'd opened his eyes. The curiosity that the memory kindles in them has them blurting out the question before they can keep second guessing themself.
"What did you wish for just now?"
Mafuyu hums low in their throat. "I wished to find myself sooner."
"Oh." They’ve never been this direct with one another; Mizuki scrambles to piece words together. "I hope you do."
"I think I'm beginning to," they reply, and glance down at their outfit, “thanks to you.”
The response is unexpected, but it brings warmth to Mizuki's cheeks. "It's nothing. I'm glad you liked it."
The heat in their face feels too close to vulnerability, so they fall back into silence, following Mafuyu as he leads them past storefronts and dead trees. When he'd first approached them for help buying clothes, they hadn't thought much of it. It was only when Mafuyu had shown a clear dislike of the skirts and dresses Mizuki had picked out, then did they understand.
After leaving the store, Mafuyu had left for home, and the clothes had never been mentioned again until today. And maybe it's Mizuki stoking their own ego, but they imagine Mafuyu trying on the clothes again in their own room, savouring the individuality in the room tailored and decorated for someone that isn't them.
“What was your wish?” Mafuyu asks, and Mizuki's head snaps up.
It takes a few moments for them to gain their bearings again. "Why do you want to know?" they sing-song back.
"Because you asked for mine."
Mizuki's lips purse, dry against each other. They should've expected this, the reciprocation of the question, but they'd been so curious about what Mafuyu would wish for that they hadn't considered the possible response.
It isn't like them at all.
Mizuki opens their mouth, several plausible joking answers already forming. Mafuyu wouldn’t bat an eye if they answered with something light-hearted, like their new MV getting more views than their last, or their favourite makeup brands being in stock when they go shopping. It wouldn’t be hard — it would be easy, expected even.
But the lie sits heavy on Mizuki’s tongue. It contrasts with the snowflakes that land on their hands, dissolving cold and easy into their warmth. They wonder if this is what lies are supposed to feel like, this viscous liquid that they’ve become far too used to washing their hands off of. Did they always feel like this? When did they just learn to ignore the stain that every lie leaves on them?
They settle with a question, both to steel their nerves and so the silence won't stretch on for too long. "Promise you won't tell anyone?"
Mafuyu just nods and it’s perfunctory, but it’s all the reassurance Mizuki needs. Even when they first met, when the two of them were nothing but disembodied voices and online names to each other, Mafuyu had known about the front they'd been putting up. And yet he hadn't said anything about it, beyond that tense moment in the Sekai.
It's like a shared secret, though they've never directly discussed it with each other. Their mutual understanding is wordless, Mizuki quietly observing and Mafuyu watching right back. It manifests in the times Mafuyu directs everyone back to their work when Mizuki gets oddly quiet during meetings, and when Mizuki smiles bright enough for the both of them when talking to cashiers and waiters.
It's unspoken comfort, and above all Mizuki trusts Mafuyu enough to keep this conversation to themself.
“To be with them next year,” they finally say, adding another to the slowly growing list of things that they've kept between them.
Mafuyu's response is a while later. “You didn’t lie for once,” they note.
A humourless laugh escapes them. "Is that an improvement?"
"Do you think it is?"
Is it? There's a quip stuck in Mizuki's throat, somewhere between swallowed lies and a half-formed confession. They don't know about improvement, entwined in evasiveness and so many false fronts that they can't tell if honesty is taking a step forward or back. They may have just told the truth, but their pulse is racing as if they're trying to pass off a lie.
Years of a habit they can’t break for their protection forces a tremble to their hands and the dryness in their mouth. So they try to muster up their usual smile, but their mouth won't move the way they want it to. Instead, it droops downwards at the corners, and they hate it.
"It's a stupid wish," they say, and their voice shakes; they hate that, too. Their breath mists in the air, heavy with water vapour and uncertainty. They can't understand why they're suddenly telling Mafuyu all this. Perhaps it's because they know Mafuyu will tell them his sometimes overly blunt thoughts, unlike Ena and her naively optimistic views.
You can't stay with me forever, Ena.
Purple hair flashes in their corner of their vision, and their throat constricts.
Neither can you, Mafuyu.
Maybe his presence is the closest thing Mizuki has to trust, but they can’t trust themself to make that leap.
"Most people make wishes because they know they can't do it themselves," Mafuyu says.
"I feel stupid for even hoping."
"Mm." For a moment, Mizuki thinks Mafuyu is going to reassure them. "But… I think it's the hope that matters."
It's odd to hear Mafuyu talk about hope. He's far from the most hopeful of their circle, and Mizuki would never have expected him to be. But as they reach a road and stop to wait to cross, it slowly dawns on Mizuki.
After all, it was Mafuyu's hope to be saved that resulted in them rejoining the group. Mizuki wonders how long he'd have spent wandering the Sekai, seeking the end of eternity, if it weren't for Kanade's determination. Trapped in expectations and promises with no substance, he'd only had hope to cling onto.
"Did you think Kanade's goal to save you was impossible?"
Mafuyu tilts his head. "I thought it was an impossible task. But it gave me… a reason to stay."
Kanade’s song, the one she’d written after they visited the marionette exhibition. Mizuki remembers spending hours poring over the music video, trying to match the tone and cadence of the melody. The reception of the song was overwhelmingly positive, their comments filled with proof of their success for days.
Mafuyu’s made so much progress since then. Kanade has, too. Even Ena has tamed the raging inferno of her insecurity into a smaller flame. But between the haunting song that made Mafuyu smile and Ena’s persistence with her art, it’s left Mizuki floundering, trying to grasp onto any semblance of progress. Everyone else has overcame their demons in some way, so why can't they—
"I thought you wouldn't make a wish," they say, desperate to turn their mind away from the topic. They can’t recall what Mafuyu last said.
"I don't know. Is it weird that I made a wish?”
There’s nothing in his tone except curiosity, seeking another’s perspective on finding himself. Mizuki's grateful for his immediate adaption to the change in conversation. "You never specifically want anything."
They turn a corner, the pavement now covered in a light layer of snow. Mafuyu is quiet for a while. With anyone else, Mizuki would have worried over possibly saying something wrong, but there's a sense of security around talking to Mafuyu.
Mizuki counts three cars having passed by them when Mafuyu speaks again. “I don’t know,” he repeats. “But it felt right.”
It's real, the warmth Mizuki hears, and since they're pooling truths together they add one more in before this high ends.
“I’m scared.”
It feels good to admit it out loud. Mizuki hasn’t admitted anything this vulnerable out loud since middle school. The freezing breaths they inhale scrape their throat, leaving it equally as raw as their emotions, but it doesn’t hurt as much as they thought. And somehow, they're not afraid to hear Mafuyu's answer.
“I won’t leave you.”
Mizuki stops in their tracks. “Huh?”
“Kanade told me that once. When I fell sick and she took care of me. When she said it, it felt like… I wanted to keep going.”
Ena had told them that. She'd clutched at her own chest in emphasis, promising Mizuki in her idealistic, determined way that she'd stay with them forever. Ena had told them that and she doesn't lie, not when her friends are on the line. Mafuyu tells them that and he doesn't lie, not to Mizuki.
The difference is that Ena doesn't know who Mizuki truly is. They haven't told anyone but Mafuyu knows, knew from the sparkle in Mizuki's eyes as they helped him pick out new clothes. Maybe that’s why it feels so much more reassuring to hear the words from Mafuyu. Mafuyu, who saw through their facade as soon as they met, who knows what it’s like to hide themself to make others happy.
Mizuki, who’s hidden themselves behind so many walls they can’t find their own way out. Mafuyu’s gaze pierces through all of them.
"I want you to keep going, Mizuki."
The words send Mizuki's head spinning before they even sink in. A plea and what they think is a confession, spilling from pale lips into cold air.
Mizuki gapes. “Mafuyu?”
They've both stopped in the middle of the pavement. Snow twirls around them in an abstract dance, mirroring the whirl of emotions in Mizuki’s head. The burn of fear, the chill of shock, and the sparks of what could be happiness, far warmer than their surroundings.
They don’t know when it happened, but they're facing each other now, and Mizuki can see the small flecks in Mafuyu's eyes. Violet burns into rose.
Mizuki doesn't see the other's lips move until they hear his voice. "And… I want you to help me cut my hair.”
They say it nonchalantly, and through the haze of thoughts Mizuki says the first thing that floats to the top.
"Will your mother mind?"
"It's alright," Mafuyu dismisses without a beat.
"It's a deal, then," Mizuki says. It's only after the words dissipate into cold air when they realise they mean it as a promise.
A promise to stay long enough until next year; to stay, at least for now; from one hopeless person to another, in a moment that almost seems tender.
"Also… about your clothes. Weren't you at archery practice?"
"I went home to change."
And it would be a perfectly normal explanation, but Mafuyu has showed up to their meetups in training attire several times. There's an answer, one that might not even exist, but Mizuki hopes to hear it either way. "Why?"
"I wanted to wear the new clothes."
Maybe hope is good for them, after all. "I'm glad you like them."
The corners of Mafuyu's mouth tilt up in the slightest hint of a smile, but when Mizuki blinks, it's gone. They turn to face down the street.
“My house is up ahead. I think I should walk the rest of the way alone.”
With Mizuki still rooted to the spot, he turns and takes a few steps away. Toward his mother, and his empty aquarium and his—
"Hey, Mafuyu?"
Up ahead, Mafuyu stops walking. The sound of Mizuki's heart in their ears is deafening, their gaze fixated on Mafuyu's frame.
"Thank you."
"Why?"
A laugh bubbles up before they can stop it, but it's warm. "Do I have to have a reason to thank you?"
"Most people do."
Mafuyu, who’s learning to find his own happiness.
"Fine, I said thank you because I wanted to. Happy?"
Snowflakes land on the curls of Mafuyu's hair. Mizuki can already picture how they'll cut it, once they ask them to.
In the picture, he's smiling.
"...You're welcome, then. See you tonight."
"Bye!"
Mizuki waves to his receding figure, a grin on their face. It doesn't fade until they're halfway down the street, the wide smile fading to a slight curve of their lips. Cold brushes over their skin, snow falls around them, just like it has every year. And Mafuyu walks away, but Mizuki doesn't fear the next time he does.
When they finally turn around to begin walking home, their chest feels lighter. The weight of the past and their anxieties are still there, but they feel more capable of bearing it now. Wishes can't heal them in any way, but Ena's childish delight at seeing the snow, Kanade's nose scrunch as she tried the spicy ramen at the restaurant, and Mafuyu rediscovering himself, learning to recognise his own wants —
They want to see it all again, Mizuki decides. And that means trusting in what next year will bring.