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The door of the bunker shutters close with a loud bang, startling Sam and tearing his focus away from the book he was just reading. A quick look on the clock tells him that Dean and Cas came back a few hours sooner than expected, considering it‘s a fairly long drive back from their latest hunt. Dean probably drove straight through the night.
Sam figures out the reason behind their early return as soon as Cas storms down the stairs, clearly furious, most likely because of something Dean has done, if he's being honest. They had a bad fight, judging by the looks of it. Dean was slower in his descent, though obviously not calmer, considering he's holding himself with a considerable amount of self-righteous anger.
As soon as both of them arrived at the table in the war room, Sam throws puzzled glances from his brother to the Angel. Of course, it's not the first time they had a disagreement after a hunt, but that's a new level of pettiness and fury, the way they dagger each other solely with their eyes at the moment. It feels like the room temperature suddenly dropped, and maybe Sam's imagining it, with Cas being low on grace and all that, but he could swear that the lights in the room just flickered for a second there.
Clearing his throat, Sam is the first one to clear the uncomfortable silence, "anyone wanna tell me what happened?
"Oh sure, your brother was just being his old, self-sacrificial, reckless self and thought he could take on an Angel. You know, without an Angel blade", Cas snaps, clearly full of angelic wrath of his own.
"Well, what else should I have done! I wasn't expecting a damn Angel, who was tyring to kill you, to show up in the middle of a simple salt and burn! Sorry I didn't have any heavenly weapons with me at that time", Dean yells back.
"It's not about that and you know that, Dean. I had my Angel blade, I could've fought him off myself, you just put yourself in unnecessary danger by immediately jumping between us! You didn‘t even have an effective weapon!", Cas is barely holding himself together at this point, Sam can tell by the bright light of grace flashing through his iris. Man, it's been a while since he has seen his smitey-face.
"Well, tough luck, buddy, I ain't losing you yet again to one of those sons of bitches", Dean's voice is lower now, something other than rage and annoyance slipping through the cracks of his carefully crafted walls. For the first time during their fight, he avoids Cas' glance. "I'd die for you in a heartbeat, you have to know that man", the last words are hardly audible, too quietly mumbled under his breath. Yet, of course Cas caught that last part. Sam knows he should get going, being somewhere other than where he is now, but he's glued to his place and watching the scene that is unfolding in front of him.
Cas squints. All the while, the air seems to be less charged by the second, meaning at least a bigger emotional outburst on Cas‘ end was probably avoided. Still, he looks incredibly pissed, and saddened, by what Dean said.
"Do you really think that little of yourself that I'd be okay with you dying in my place?", Cas‘ tone is virtually scolding.
"Do you think I'd be able to keep on living without you?", Dean swiftly replies, the confession tumbling from his lips. Maybe even too swiftly - his face falling in the sudden realization of what he just admitted to. "You know what? I can't do this right now, I'm going to bed", stumbling over the syllables in a rush to flee the room, he's gone before anyone has the chance to react.
In the silence that follows, which Sam has to admit is even more uncomfortable than the one before, which is remarkable, neither of them says something for a long time. The younger Winchester just watches Cas standing there, as still as a salt pillar, his face a clear display of the inner turmoil he's experiencing. Every last drop of vexation seems to have left the Angel's body, leaving him with a cacophony of indecipherable emotions. Sam decides to give Cas all the time he needs and waits patiently for his friend to collect himself.
"Why is Dean so agitated over the thought of me... dying? I've been dead before and I'm not... well, you. It can't be that bad", is the first thing Cas says after a few more moments of silence.
Sam draws in a shuttering breath, trying to come up with the best way to phrase what he's about to say.
"Cas, man, you gotta know that Dean cares about you. A lot. You're the... best friend he's ever had", Sam momentarily winces at the last words. They may not be entirely wrong, but even without ever speaking to Dean about this, he knows his older brother well enough to realize that Cas is much more to Dean than a best friend, or a brother, as he called him once. "He didn't... well, when you were stabbed by Lucifer, he wasn't handling that..very well", he concludes, feeling like he's walking on eggshells.
"Whatever he went through, it can't be worse than dying, because he wanted to protect me", Sam notices Cas was once again getting irritated. Did he really have this low of an opinion of himself, that he thinks his death would be meaningless?
"I don't think... look, I'm completely honest here, I don't know if I'm crossing a line by telling you this, as it isn't really my place, but I don't think you realize the depths of the grief Dean was going through at that time. And I think maybe it's good if you finally do", Sam collectes his thoughts one last time before continuing, "Cas, there really is no... good way to tell you this or to say it, but.... man, Dean he, he killed himself the last time you were gone. Just before you called and told us you're back."
For a split second, Sam thinks the Angel is going to pass out in front of him, as he immediately paled following Sam's confession.
"He...what?", Cas looks at him with gigantic eyes, his voice hardly a whisper.
"We were hunting and to solve the case, he injected himself with that serum that stops the heart. He was so fast, Cas, I couldn't - I wasn't even able to react and them he was already laying there -", focusing on anything other than the pictures violently fighting their way back into his vision, he carries on with the retelling, "nothing I did was bringing him back. He was... dead. Then, by a miracle, he woke up! He then told me that it wasn't a miracle, it was Billie. Cas, he talked to her and he didn't even want to be brought back. He just asked her to release the spirits. I don't think he meant for me to know that, but he let that part slip, once. If Billie hadn't deemed him useful on their own.. I don't want to even think about it."
"No... no, Dean, he never told me-", Cas just looks lost now, like he's dying all over again, "why?"
"I can't tell you that. Maybe it's time you finally talked to Dean about it", to reiterate he throws a meaningful glance directed at his friend, "or do you think it really is that hard to believe?"
By the looks of it, it took Cas a few seconds to understand what Sam means, until realization dawns on his face.
"You know. About my...you know", Cas tries his hardest to keep all emotions out of his face now, clearly stunned by the revelation that Sam was in the know all along.
Since it wasn't really a question, Sam doesn't bother to answer with anything other than an almost shy, but knowing smile.
"Good night, Cas."
When Sam wakes up the next day and walks past the kitchen, the scene greeting him is a peaceful one. The both of them sharing a cup of coffee, standing next to the kitchen counter - Cas is hugging Dean from behind, arms slung across his waist and lazily kissing the back of the other man's neck.
Sam grins before walking away, without his brother or friend ever noticing he's been there to begin with.
Seems like Dean doesn't have to worry about losing his Angel after all.