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The only reason Jeon Wonwoo moved back to Seoul is because of his promotion. Frankly, he didn’t want to come back to the City which witnessed some of his best and but most importantly, worst memories. He even planned on turning down his promotion but his Mother suggested it’s an opportunity he shouldn’t simply pass on.
That’s why, 3 years later, here he is, walking into a quaint Patisserie nuzzled in the inner streets of Seoul.
Wonwoo thought it was a good idea to scope out the area before he starts at his Job on Monday. But the moment he walks in, and when his eyes land on the tall figure behind the counter, Wonwoo regrets stepping foot in Seoul altogether. Because behind the counter, smiling as brightly as he remembers, is Kim Mingyu, his lover who disappeared 4 years ago.
—
“Here’s our Menu. Let us know when you’re ready to order” the blonde man says, smiling politely as he places the menu in front of a distracted Wonwoo, who’s busy boring holes into Mingyu’s back, out of disbelief and rage.
The blonde leaves but Wonwoo can’t bring himself to look away from Mingyu, who’s helping a lady out with her order. He smiles at her, displaying the canines Wonwoo was always possessive about, oblivious to the turmoil in Wonwoo’s heart.
Mingyu disappeared 4 years ago, without a trace, without a call. More like, he walked out on Wonwoo and on their relationship.
‘If you loved me, you’d wait!’
‘Loving you is too difficult, Hyung’
Those were the last words they’d exchanged before Mingyu stormed out of their apartment, saying he needed some time away.
He never returned.
Wonwoo waited.
Wonwoo waited for an entire year, every day, every night, hoping Mingyu would come back, to love him and forgive him for being a selfish asshole. For being a coward.
But he doesn’t. He didn’t.
And Wonwoo came to accept it as his punishment. For 4 years he lived in regret, in confusion.
A part of him was crazy enough to believe Mingyu was dead.
But it wasn’t crazy enough to expect to see Mingyu again in Seoul, this time working in a Patisserie, baking and selling cakes despite not having a sweet tooth. But then again, Wonwoo understands. Mingyu never had a sweet tooth but always baked for Wonwoo, whipping up new creations every chance he got to satisfy Wonwoo’s intense sweet cravings.
When Wonwoo walked in earlier, their eyes met for a brief moment before Mingyu looked away, attending to another customer.
And it’s what angers Wonwoo the most.
That he’s able to feign ignorance after everything that happened. After walking out in Wonwoo and disappearing into thin air. After making Wonwoo think he had lost him, for good.
As if noticing his gaze, Mingyu turns to look at Wonwoo. His eyes widen slightly and he looks around and then back at Wonwoo, smiling like he would at any customer. How is he able to smile when Wonwoo’s heart is yelling at him to go and punch that sculpted face of his.
He finally turns his gaze back to the menu, vision hazy with tears of rage and betrayal.
“Sir, have you decided what you want?” The blonde man from before interrupts and Wonwoo turns to him, “oh, uh…” he glances through the menu quickly, hoping to order the randomest thing and get out of here but then he sees that.
His eyes grow, and he looks up at Mingyu who’s putting pieces of cake in the display.
He turns to the waiter, whose name tag reads Jeonghan, and points at the word.
“One slice of Carrot cake, please”
—
“Here you go, Sir” Jeonghan places the piece of cake in front of Wonwoo, who looks at it with the widest eyes. If seeing Mingyu was a surprise, seeing his carrot cake was an even bigger surprise.
It’s the same as 4 years ago, appearance-wise, though a little more refined. He stares at it for the longest time, clutching the fork in his hands until he finally decides to dig in. He glances at where Mingyu is, surprised to find him already looking at him. He looks away when Wonwoo turns to face him, pretending to busy himself with the plates. Wonwoo bites his lip regretfully, does Mingyu hate him so much that he wants to pretend he doesn’t know him? If he does, why does he keep stealing glances at Wonwoo like he does know him?
Wonwoo looks back at the cake and sighs, breaking off a bite and placing it in his mouth. When the cake hits his tongue, it’s as if Wonwoo’s being swept up in the waves. The taste surges through his body, invading all his senses, and Wonwoo’s splashed by nostalgia. The cake looks different, but it tastes the same as it did years ago. Not a hint of carrot and dominated by cinnamon, which is exactly how Wonwoo had always preferred. The more he chews, the harder it gets to swallow without tearing up.
It tastes like cinnamon, like home, like love, and like Mingyu.
With shaky hands, he puts the fork down and wipes his mouth with the napkin, sighing shakily as he turns to look up at Mingyu again, who watches him expectantly. He steers his gaze to Jeonghan and raises his hand, “Can I have the bill?” he says and from the corner of his eye, he sees Mingyu’s expression fall.
Wonwoo can’t eat the cake anymore.
It hurts too much to know Mingyu so very easily gave up on them but continues to sell their special cake for a profit.
Wonwoo holds back tears, shaking as Jeonghan comes over, “Did you not like the cake, sir? Would you like to order something else?”
Wonwoo shakes his head, watching Mingyu’s dejected back work on something in the back, “No it….it was wonderful. I-I just don’t have the appetite right now”
Jeonghan follows Wonwoo’s gaze past him, and turns back to him, “Do you know Mingyu?” he asks and Wonwoo panics inwardly, eyes whipping back onto the blonde, “No, ah, I-I don’t”
Mingyu wants them to act like strangers
Wonwoo’s gonna do the same
“Ah, sorry for assuming,” Jeonghan says, placing the bill on the table before Wonwoo, “I've never seen his friends or family so I thought maybe you were”
Wonwoo purses his lips.
He was, at one point.
Jeonghan sighs, clearing the table, “the kid’s been through a lot so”
Wonwoo frowns, “pardon?”
—
Wonwoo’s never been so dizzy before.
So out of it that he can barely register where he’s walking.
His eyes are wide open, but he’s gone blind, navigating through the streets in a haze.
“Pardon?”
“Ah, he was in a bad accident a couple of years ago. Lost everything, including his memories”
Wonwoo’s eyes widen and his breath hitches, “w-what?”
“Yeah, he was in a coma for a year. They couldn’t track down anyone close to him. Only his parents after they searched the records. After he woke up, he had no recollection of what happened or who he was. Poor kid. That’s why we took him in despite him having no professional culinary training. He didn’t disappoint us though. His creations are best sellers here. So I hope you’d at least take this piece of cake home, to keep his heart, I mean”
Mingyu was in an accident.
4 years ago, Mingyu met with an accident and Wonwoo had no clue. His lover was in a coma for an entire year and Wonwoo had no clue. He spent the time drowning in self pity and resenting his lover instead of searching for him.
Wonwoo’s selfish, so selfish and it cost him everything.
He reaches the bridge, halting for a moment to catch his breath. His shaky hand holds onto the railing, his other clutching the parceled cake.
7 years ago, Mingyu and Wonwoo met each other right here on this bridge, purely by accident when Mingyu’s clumsy self ran into Wonwoo whose books dropped to the ground. Mingyu apologized quickly and helped Wonwoo pick those books up. Wonwoo didn’t think much of him, except that he was inexplicably handsome. When their eyes met, Wonwoo couldn’t understand why his heart skipped a beat for a man. He also couldn’t understand after they parted when Mingyu jogged back to him and asked for his number, why he said yes, despite having convinced himself that he was straight.
Mingyu was Wonwoo’s first male lover after being in the closet for 19 years of his life. In all honesty, even after they officially started dating, Wonwoo remained in the closet. Maybe it was because he had taken too long to come to terms with his sexuality that he found it difficult to come out. But Mingyu, being the angel that he was, accepted him as such, immensely patient with him.
Mingyu liked him for his awkward and shy self, and it’s what made it so easy for Wonwoo to fall in love with him.
But he shouldn’t have taken his love and patience for granted. Their hearts were one but their worlds apart.
The fact that Mingyu and Wonwoo even knew each other was a secret. No one knew about their affiliation or relationship, because Wonwoo hadn’t come out to anyone except Mingyu. And Mingyu agreed to live like that, go to events without a lover, talk to people like Wonwoo didn’t exist, all for Wonwoo’s sake. The only time they didn’t have to pretend was in the safety of their apartment, where they’d hold each other close every night. But things were bound to get difficult, especially 3 years into their relationship where Wonwoo hadn’t made any progress with his sexuality. Wonwoo’s friends and family didn’t even know of his wonderful lover’s existence. It took a toll on Mingyu especially, after his mom decided to set him up with a young lady with the intention of marriage.
“Hyung, what do I do? For me, it’s only you. I don’t want to marry someone else”
Wonwoo was devastated to hear the news and the possibility terrified him. But foolishly and selfishly, he pushed the burden onto Mingyu.
“Just tell your mom you can’t do it, Mingyu”
“I tried, Hyung. She asked me for a proper reason to decline. And I….I couldn’t tell her that it was because I already have someone I love”
“Mingyu I….”
Wonwoo knew what Mingyu was implying.
“Hyung, please just talk to my mom. Just my mom, okay?”
“Mingyu, I-I can’t—“
“Hyung, please—“
“I can’t!”
“It’s been 3 years, Hyung. I-I don’t know if you’re scared or just ashamed of me”
“That’s not—“
“Then why? Why can’t you….why can’t I tell people I love you? That you’re mine—“
“Why do we have to tell people? Aren’t things perfect the way they are?”
“No, they aren’t. Not for me. I-I’m tired, Hyung. Of keeping you a secret. Of being your secret—“
“Wha—“
“I love you, Wonwoo, but—“
“I-If you loved me you’d understand!”
Mingyu could only look at him in disbelief, startled by his loud voice. He walked past Wonwoo and grabbed his coat, before turning to say
“Loving you is too difficult, Hyung”
And that was the last Wonwoo saw of him.
And now he knows why.
Wonwoo had no clue because he had made sure no one knew of him and Mingyu. It was his own doing.
Wonwoo watches tears fall onto the railing. He blinks and more follow, staining the cement.
Wonwoo lost Mingyu because of his own selfish reasons.
Mingyu’s not pretending to not know him.
He just doesn’t know him.
At all.
Maybe this is what Wonwoo deserves for making Mingyu pretend all those years ago like they were strangers, who knew nothing of each other.
“I wish I could forget you the way you forgot me” he utters to himself, overcome by hollowness.
It’s only now that Wonwoo realizes how Mingyu felt back then. Lonely, lost, and confused.
The most painful thing isn’t to be alone.
The most painful thing is to be forgotten by someone you can’t forget.
Wonwoo bends over, overwhelmed by the mistakes of his past when a voice calls out to him.
“Excuse me” it calls and Wonwoo gasps, straightening to look at Mingyu, standing a few feet away.
He pants, looks like he’s been running and Wonwoo quickly wipes his tears, clearing his throat, “y-yes?”
Mingyu gulps, closing the distance between them and extending his hand, “ah, um, the owner sent me to give you this. As compensation for the uh, carrot cake” Mingyu gestures at the parcel in Wonwoo’s hand and he instinctively hides it behind him, “t-there’s no need. I can’t possibly take that, I haven’t paid—“
“Please, we insist. I… insist” Mingyu pleads and Wonwoo swallows, hesitantly taking the parcel from Mingyu’s hand.
Wonwoo can’t bear to look at Mingyu without feeling guilty. Like an asshole. Like someone who messed everything up. Snatched Mingyu’s life away from him, made him suffer for 3 years.
He bows, “I’ll be going then,” he says, wishing to get out of there as fast as he can. But Mingyu stops him yet again, “Was it bad?”
Wonwoo turns around slowly, “sorry?”
Mingyu purses his lips, “the carrot cake. Was it…so bad that you couldn’t complete it?”
Wonwoo’s eyes widen, “oh, uh—“
“Sorry I…. I’m not a great Patissier and it’s the only thing I’m good at and….I don’t know why but it’s a recipe I remember by heart… even after that horrible accident and…I just….” Mingyu bows, “I’m sorry. I’m oversharing,” he says, realizing he rambled on too much to a…stranger
Yeah, Wonwoo’s a stranger.
Not even a distant memory.
A stranger
Wonwoo gulps, “No. it wasn’t” he replies and Mingyu looks up, “it was….absolutely delicious. It was sweet and wonderful and it…” Wonwoo bows, “it’s my own problem that I couldn’t finish it. It wasn’t your fault it…it was all mine”
Wonwoo no longer knows what he’s apologizing for. He’s done so many things to hurt Mingyu and if he could, he'd spend the rest of his life apologizing to him.
“Ah, you don’t have to apologize I just—“ Wonwoo looks up and Mingyu purses his lips, “I’m glad you liked the cake,” he says and Wonwoo nods curtly, gaze lowered.
He bows again, “then, I’ll get going—“ and Wonwoo turns but he doesn’t know why Mingyu keeps stopping him again and again, “do I know you?”
Wonwoo halts, but he doesn’t turn around. He glances back at him only halfway, “pardon?”
Mingyu takes heavy steps towards him, “Sorry I just… as I said, I was in an accident and lost all my memory. It’s been 4 years already but with you here, I just….feel this sense of déjà vu….”
Wonwoo clenches his fist, heart beating out of his chest. He turns around slowly and Mingyu continues, “and you….your eyes….you look at me so sorrowfully that…” he inhales, “it feels like we know each other. Or, once did”
Wonwoo inhales inwardly and Mingyu continues, “so uh, do we know each other?” he asks, anticipating.
This is Wonwoo’s chance. A second chance at life, at their relationship. He can tell him that they were lovers, who loved each other so much it tore them apart.
But reminding Mingyu of those horrible times will do nothing good. Wonwoo doesn’t want to burden Mingyu with those terrible memories. So, he only smiles, “No”
He wants to set Mingyu free. Of himself and the past.
Mingyu’s expression falls and Wonwoo swallows.
He wants to leave, he should leave but he’s frozen in place.
“Liar”
Wonwoo looks up, “excuse me?”
Mingyu gulps, “you’re lying. I don’t know how I can tell but…You’re lying”
Wonwoo takes a step back, “No I—Mingyu—“
Mingyu takes a step forth, eyes determined, “how do you know my name?”
Wonwoo panics, “Your name tag—“ his eyes whip down to his chest where the name tag should be but isn’t, and he looks back up at Mingyu, “I—“
Wonwoo wants to run away but Mingyu grabs his wrist, holding him in place, “please, don’t run away from me” he says, “for 4 years I’ve been ... .feeling aimless. Like there’s something missing every time I wake up, a hole in my chest and— for some reason, with you here, I….I don’t feel so lost anymore”
Wonwoo can’t help the tears that trickle down his cheeks. He should be embarrassed he’s…crying in front of a complete stranger but….to him, Mingyu will never be a stranger, will he?
“I keep trying to forget you, that you’re just a customer who’s had a bad day but….the harder I try, the more I think about you,” Mingyu says, raising a hesitant hand to cup Wonwoo’s cheek, letting his own tears fall.
“I’ll ask again, do we know each other?” his voice is a mere whisper
And Wonwoo sniffles, “no” a tiny attempt to give Mingyu a chance to be free. Mingyu chuckles lowly, “then why are you crying?”
Wonwoo shakes his head, struggling to answer and trembling as Mingyu takes his hands in his, “seeing you makes me want to cry. But it also fills me with so much happiness, I can describe it” and Wonwoo inhales sharply, “is it foolish to assume we were once something?”
And for the third time, Wonwoo replies, “no” and Mingyu smiles, pulling him in for a hug, blinking away his tears, “oh my” he giggles, voice breaking, “you’re trembling” he holds Wonwoo close as the latter raises his arms to hug him back.
Once accustomed to his warmth, Wonwoo begins to sob again. He’s never cried this much before but with Mingyu here, he feels like he’s finally home.
“Ah, don’t cry” Mingyu pulls away, cupping his cheeks, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left like that” and Wonwoo shakes his head, “I’m sorry I…I didn’t do enough”
“No just…shit, I wish I could remember your name, Hyung,” Mingyu says and Wonwoo smiles, “at least you remember I’m your Hyung”
Mingyu’s lower lip quivers, “I…I’m so…” Wonwoo shushes him, “Hey, don’t worry about it”
Mingyu nods, “do you think I’ll ever be able to remember?”
Wonwoo shrugs, “I don’t know, Gyu. B-But I’ll be here so…don’t worry. Only if you’ll have me that is,” he says and Mingyu chuckles, “of course I will. Why don’t we start over, hm?”
Wonwoo nods, stepping away and taking Mingyu’s hand.
“I’m Kim Mingyu,” Mingyu says and Wonwoo smiles, “I’m Jeon Wonwoo,” he says, determined. Determined to make it up to Mingyu, to learn from his mistakes, to love Mingyu openly, and to make up for all the time they'd lost looking for each other.
Mingyu chuckles, pulling Wonwoo in for another hug. He doesn’t let go of him and continues giggling to himself. Mingyu’s always been like that. When he’s bustling with joy, he can’t stop giggling or smiling.
Wonwoo asks, “what’s wrong?”
Mingyu shakes his head, “your name it…”
Wonwoo frowns, “yeah?”
Mingyu smiles, “it sounds like Home”