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When you live a happy life, you hardly expect it to turn into a nightmare. And so, when your life is a nightmare you can not even think about it becoming a dream.
He was a happy kid, loving parents, a big sister and a best friend, and a house with a nice room for him. All that took years to be made, but it took only a few seconds to destroy it all. He was young, probably ten, he just wanted something to eat. He has never thought that such a banal action could burn his life to ashes. He just turned his head a few seconds to welcome his dear sister. And next thing he saw was smoke surrounding him and the warmth of the fire close to him.
Oh dear, he tried to run away, he tried to call for help. But fear, fear had overtaken him, all he was able to do was crawl on the ground searching for his sister. And he would mutter his sister's name, thinking he was calling her. And he couldn't move fast, his view was deeply affected by the smoke. He was coughing without stopping and he felt like part of his face was being ripped off, until at some point, he didn't even feel his left side anymore.
He felt so lonely in the warmth of fire. Alone with his thoughts and he wished to see his sister one last time. He wished to say sorry to his best friend, he wished to hug his parents. But mostly, he wished for his sister to be fine, to not suffer from this terrible accident. He thought that, since it was his fault, he should be the one to suffer. Or maybe, he was just scared of being abandoned after what he did so he'd prefer to suffer from his act now, as if it was justice punishing him.
So,when he heard footsteps, and a voice calling for his sister, he prayed to any god that would hear for his sister to be found. But God did not listen to him, because he was soon to be found. He saw the one standing before him, and he recognised him. He called his name with a croaky voice that he was the only one to hear. As if his destiny was to be ignored. He tried many times to tell him he wasn't Akane, that Akane was still inside. But nothing came out of his mouth except strange sounds.
But, when he saw the sky outside, all the people looked in horror at the burning house. He felt relieved, and a thought crossed his mind "I'm so happy he found me". When he felt the asphalt and a hand touching him, he looked up, tears wouldn't fall but his heart was sinking. And he saw his best friend's face and all he was able to say was "I'm not Akane, I'm seishu." and when he saw his friend's heart shatter in his eye he felt like dying. He wasn't supposed to be the one to survive. He prayed for anyone to save his sister and let him here, in the house, it did not matter if he died, as long as his sister, who never did anything wrong, survived. After that, black out.
He woke up in the hospital, his mother was here. He did not look at her. He closed his eyes and wished to never open them again, but even with eyes closed he saw the fire. He opened them again, panting, still not looking at his mother. "Seishu…" She tried to talk. "Mom… mom I'm sorry, I'm sorry it was all my fault, it all happened because of me! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" She cried. He heard it, the tears of his mother rolling down her cheeks and falling on the ground. She stood up, Seishu was looking down but he looked up when he felt her arms against his." Seishu, please, don't be sorry… you shouldn't blame yourself! ". She cried so much. "But mom…" she held him tighter.
The next person he saw at the hospital was Kokonoi. They both just heard about Akane's conditions. Seishu couldn't say anything. He wanted to, but nothing could come out of his mouth. Kokonoi just stared in silence, until he spoke up, after a few minutes. "I promised Akane I'd protect her. And I failed…". Seishu wanted to say so many things. But the only thing that finally came out was some words about the price of the operations. Kokonoi stayed in silence. Then stood up, he put his hand on Seishu's. The young boy looked at him with tears forming in his eyes. "Koko… I'm so sorry… It's all my fault. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry please forgive me.". But Koko only looked at him and held his hand. "Inupi, I'll save Akane, I'll get the money.". And after that, he left, leaving Seishu alone.
He waited for days to see Koko again. But he never came back, and Inui got out of the hospital. When he entered his grandparents house he felt weird. He looked around and realized what was missing : his sister welcoming him with a smile. His eyes darkened and he instantly went into the room that was now his. He looked at the few things in the room. Nothing was his, it was all new. There were so many things he wanted to see and hold again, but it was all gone now.
This evening he did not even go down to eat, he just stayed on his bed looking at the ceiling, with the sun as his only light, that soon faded away to let the moonlight illuminate him. It took time for him to fall asleep. And he had a nightmare that night. A horrible one. His house was burning again, and he was just standing in the middle, watching all that, unable to move even his finger. And the fire burned everything down except him, who ended up standing alone in the ashes.
He woke up, sweating and unable to sleep again. He held himself tightly, looking at the sky. And he was scared all alone. He wanted to run in his parents room. But he thought that he did not have the right. He was the one who destroyed it all, so he should suffer alone and in silence. But nothing he tried made the fear go away. And he was thinking "what if the house burns again. What will happen then? What if lightning strikes the house and we burn?". He was shaking. And so the night passed, leaving him alone with his thoughts.
The next morning, he was still thinking about it. He came to the conclusion that the best solution was to stay away from any fire source and prepare a little bag. In this bag, he put all his most precious things. Some clothes, a few pictures of his family, especially of his sister. Then, he made sure nothing would accidentally burn, first in his room, then in the house, going as far as throwing away his mother's candles. He then Crawled in the sofa. He was exhausted, but couldn't bring himself to sleep.
When his mom came back hours laters she found him holding himself and sleeping. He was frowning and shaking, probably because he was having a nightmare. She put her hand on his forehead and then kissed it.
The following days he was still unable to sleep, every night he was shaking in his bed awfully aware of his surroundings. Every little movement, he felt them with his soul. He spent days in his home alone, he did not have the strength to go back to school. He did not want to see anyone anyway, so he never went out. His parents started to get worried about him. Would things ever get better?
One evening, it started raining heavily and soon thunder was heard as lightning illuminated the sky. The thunder was shaking the house. And it wasn't the only thing shaking. Seishu was hidden under the blankets, his hands on his ears. Hoping the thunderstorm would go away quickly. He was scared that the lightning would strike his home and burn it. And he was so scared of losing it all again. He was not scared of fire itself, he was scared of him getting near it, of him destroying everything again. But for the lightning it was different, even if he was far from it, the bolt could still strike his house, it could still destroy all he had.
Seishu got so scared to be in the fire again that his thoughts were not rational anymore, he put his shoes on and ran outside without even taking a jacket. He ran for so long he got lost. When he stopped, he was in the middle of the street alone, under the rain. He thought "It's ok, Koko will come find me. We'll be together like before." But then he remembered, he had not heard from Koko since his visit at the hospital. So he really was alone and scared. But he could not cry. He just stayed here, until someone put his hand on his shoulder." Hey Kid, what are you doing here all alone? Come in my shop, I don't want you to catch a cold."
He let the young man take him in. The stranger gave him a towel so he could dry himself, but Seishu did not move. So he helped him. He realized the kid was shaking but not from the cold. It was fear." Hey, kid, why are you scared? Did someone try to annoy you?" Seishu looked at him and shaked his head. "Ok, but if it's the case you should tell me, I'll put them back in their place." The young man laughed. "Hey sit down, don't worry, I won't eat you. I'm Shinichiro by the way, what's your little name?" Seishu thought a bit as he sat down, holding the towel tightly. "Inui Seishu" He murmured.
Shinichiro, did his best to make the kid feel comfortable. When he was sure he stopped shaking he decided to ask a few things to the kid. "Ok, so where do you live? I can't let you here, it's soon going to be diner time. I'll take you back with my motorbike. You'll love it." Seishu looked down, he made his voice clearer. "I don't know exactly… I think I will recognise it…" Shinichiro had a small laugh. "Ok so you'll guide me! Let's bring you back then."
"No. I don't want to." This time, Shinichiro heard the kid's voice very clearly. "I'm too scared. I don't want to…" And he started crying, he held himself and cried. Shinichiro came close and put his hand on his back. "Does it have anything to do with this… scar of yours? Someone did it to you?" Seishu shaked his head, he looked at Shinichiro, tears still rolling down. Shinichiro was surprised to see so much pain in the eyes of this young kid. "I'm the one who did this to myself. It was my fault." and he cried even more, Shinichiro decided to wait for him to calm down. There was nothing he could do.
Seishu stayed in the bike shop for 2 hours, Shinichiro went back to his usual activities while the kid watched him from afar. When he saw that the kid calmed down he decided to finally take him back to his home. His parents were so happy to see him back, they thanked Shinichiro as he left.
With all those things adding up, Seishu was even more reluctant to go out. Nothing his parents tried worked, he just stayed in his room most of the time. Every morning he heard his parents leaving the house and hours laters, when the sun was about to set, he'd hear his mom coming back. It went on for a week, or maybe a month, he did not remember.
The reason he left home again was to go see his sister, he had not seen her since the accident. But today, he felt like facing the truth. So he put his shoes on, took a coat, and went out. He was not prepared to see the young man, named Shinichiro, in front of his door when he opened it. "Oh! Kid! You're leaving? I wanted to come check on you, it's been a while." Seishu nodded. "so, where are you going? I'll drive you there!" Seishu wondered if he should tell him. "To the hospital." He did. He felt like whatever he would say, Shinichiro would not judge him. It was good. He missed such feelings.
He hopped on the bike and held Shinichiro close. They were both silent, Shinichiro was respecting Seishu's boundaries. If he did not want to talk, then he would ot make him. When they arrived at the hospital, Seishu realized he was shaking. He was scared. "Shinichiro-kun… have you ever been scared of facing someone who got hurt because of you?" He asked. Shinichiro thought, sat down on the stairs and then spoke. "I did, it's scary. Because when you're at fault, you have to accept that you were wrong and that you hurt them."
Seishu looked down."Is that linked to your scar? Did you fight someone and both hurt each other?" Asked Shinichiro. Seishu shaked his head. "My house burned down…" he searched in his memory to know when it happened. But he did not remember how long it was since he lost everything. "I don't remember when it happened… I know how it happened. It was my fault. And so, because of me my sister got severely hurt. And now my best friend… I don't know what he's doing. He said he would get money to save her. They've all been hurt because of me. Akane could die anytime, but yet I'm the one still standing and living. This is unfair. She didn't do anything to deserve this." Seishu was so surprised at how much he talked he put his hand on his mouth. He had not spoken so much since before the accident.
Shinichiro saw the poor kid shaking. "Honestly, I don't think you're responsible for what happened. Look at yourself. You're probably around ten years old, no kids should blame themselves that much for something that was so out of control. Kid, it's ok, you were not at fault." Hearing this, Seishu burst into tears, they would not stop falling. He, who tried his best not to cry, as he thought he hurt the people he loved enough, so he tried his absolute best not to cry. He was sobbing like a baby, but it was liberating." I don't know what to do! I miss koko so much! I want my sister to be back!" He kept crying as Shinichiro held him against him.
In the end Seishu was unable to go see his sister, he was too scared. So he went to Shinichiro's shop. And he kept coming whenever he could. It was soothing. Far from his family he felt free from the guilt. And it was also a way to escape school, since he started going again. At least he was able to see Koko from afar. He really was missing him, he needed him so much. He was yearning for them to be together again, to feel relaxed when being with him. Every night, he would struggle falling asleep, he would have nightmares, essentially of his house burning but he also saw Kokonoi blaming him. He would wake up, sweating and would curl into a ball to calm himself down. He would think about how easily he'd fall asleep if Koko was here to reassure him. But Koko was not here, and Seishu was all alone. Not even his parents could fill that hole that formed in his heart.
It was probably six months after the accident. Seishu finally got brave enough to go visit his sister. He was sitting next to her. She was still in the coma, but maybe if he talked she would recognise him and wake up. He looked at her, and then looked at the ground. "Akane… I'm so sorry… you're like this because of me. Every day I think of how I'd annoy you if you were at home. I don't know if you know… but koko… he loves you so much. He's trying to get money to save you… I don't even have the time to see him anymore. Please come back. I know I'm an annoying little brother… but I promise I'll change… so come back to us… " He looked up at his sister, tears in his eyes. For a second he thought she was looking at him, but he blinked and realized her eyes were still closed. The silence in the room was deafening. But out of nowhere something started beeping, Seishu looked around in panic, he stood up to hold his sister's hand. He realized the beeping was her heart suddenly beating too fast. He called her name multiple times, until he heard a weak voice. "Seishu… don't be sorry… I love you…". Seishu reached out to her. "Akane!" He cried. But suddenly a long beep was heard. He looked around as nurses came in. "What's happening! What happened to my sister!" One of the nurses took him out of the room to talk to him. "Listen to me, we called your parents… your sister, she did not survive. Without the operations she was in danger every second of her life… and sadly we lost her today." Seishu stared at her, she was lying there was no other explanation. Akane was fine, he couldn't accept that she just died. She was just having a hard time but she'd be back soon. "You're lying! I was there with her! She even spoke to me! She was fine! She wouldn't die when I'm here!"
He continued screaming until his parents arrived and confirmed what the nurses said. After that he ran away and hid in the bathroom. He cried all his tears till he realized that the one who loved her the most did not know. He dried his tears and went to the nearest phone to call him. It took him a minute to tell him, this silence between them should have never been a thing. "Koko… Akane… she died…" there was a second silence. "I'm sorry Koko… she died while I was there… I couldn't do anything… you can come see her… I'll tell my parents." He only heard Koko's voice once during this call. And it was just to confirm he was coming. Seishu did not get the chance to see him before he went to see Akane's body but he saw him after. His eyes were red, redder than he thought they would be. He clenched his fist, it was all his fucking fault, that's what he kept telling himself.
After this he felt like everything went wrong. He searched for a way to find comfort. He heard all those stories about black dragon and thought that maybe, there he could find some. He learned that the gang was taken over by Izana Kurokawa. Without any hesitation he joined the gang. His parents watched him coming home full of bruises, sometimes he would not come back for days. The good thing about that was that he got to spend more time with Koko, who was following that dark path for a longer time now.
But one day, karma gets you. All those little crimes, delinquent stuff, you can't always run away from them. Seishu ended up being caught by the cops. The days in juvenil were not easy. He knew he made mistakes. Everyday he thought about how angry Akane would be, about how disappointed his parents were, about how his pursuit of comfort turned so wrong. He cried a lot, in silence. He got good at this. In juvenil you can't cry or show signs of weakness. You have to show people that they can't pick on you, that you're not a prey. So he did that, luckily he had a reputation to back him up. Black dragon was no unknown name here. So yes, he learnt how to cry with a few tears, he learnt how to endure the pain you get in your throat when you try not to cry.
Sometimes, his parents would visit him. He would not look at them. He would avoid everything, not talking about anything he did. There was nothing to talk about, his parents tried, but he never answered. They wished he opened up to them. But Seishu promised himself to never be a burden again, to never hurt them again. But this promise, he felt like he kept breaking it. He was unable to not be useless, unable to stop hurting people. He saw his parents' eyes well, whenever they came, all puffy and reddish. He knew that once he was out, he would be all alone. There was no way Koko would wait for him.
But Seishu has never been more wrong in his life. And he realized it when he got released from Juvenil. He got out, he did not expect the sun to be so bright that day. And blinked a few times, watching the world around him, without bars. And that's when he saw him. He saw that familiar silhouette, but it was as if seeing all the details of his face. He stopped walking, and looked at him in silence. Why was he here? If Seishu had already given up on himself, why was Koko still here? Why would he do that? Seishu was speechless. He felt his legs shaking. But did not show any reaction. "Already wearing the gang uniform uh? You know what, you're still a bit crazy. But I missed you." Seishu would have never thought that after all that happened, someone would say this to him. He smiled.
Thanks to Koko, Seishu was able to catch up with what happened in the delinquent world. He was very saddened to hear black dragon was no more, and disappointed that the ninth generation lost to a bunch of kids. "I'll bring black dragon back." Was what he said. Obviously, at first, Koko was reluctant, but he gave up on stopping Seishu and decided to help him instead. But first, he had to tell him something. He let him walk for a bit. Until they stopped. "Inupi, you know, something bad happened to Shinichiro." Seishu looked at him, any other person would have said he did not care, but Koko saw the worry in his eyes. "Well, you see, he died." Seishu stayed silent. He looked at something in the background for a while. Koko wondered if he was ok. "You're holding on Inupi?". Seishu looked at him and there were no tears in his eyes, but Koko could swear he was crying right now. It was weird. "You can cry Seishu. I'm by your side."
Seishu bit his lips, he swore he'd never cry in front of his loved one anymore. So why, why was it so hard to not cry? Why did he keep breaking his own promises? Why couldn't he be more useful? But he couldn't hold on without crying. So he let the tears out. Shinichiro was his hero, the one who took care of him when he was at his lowest, when he needed help. What would he do without him? "Koko, why do people I like die? Why do they leave me?" Kokonoi wished he had an answer. But he did not. He tried his best comforting him. And after a few minutes, nothing, he stopped crying and acted as if nothing happened. He'd Bury his sadness by bringing back the black dragon.
Years passed, Black dragon was back. Not how Seishu wanted to be, but he took it as it was. He did not have anything else, except Koko. Seishu started to think that there would be no way Koko would leave him. If he stayed by his side even at his worst, then there would be no reason for him to leave now. They went through so much together there would be no way it could happen. But Seishu honestly thought he was staying for something else. There was this little voice in his head, especially since that kiss in the library. And this little voice was always here murmuring things. And it was saying that Koko was there for Akane. Because Seishu was her little brother, so obviously, him, who loved her so much, would only stay for her. To see in Seishu Akane. Seishu wanted to ignore this little voice, but it was there nonetheless and it made its way in his thoughts. So, sometimes he'd wonder if the voice was right. Sometimes it looked like it was the case, but often, Seishu realised that Koko never looked at him the way he looked at Akane. He never talked to him like he did to Akane. He wondered if he loved him more than he loved her, and he wished he loved him more. He wished for once to be loved as a whole, and the only one able to do that was Koko, the one who saw all of him.
But then why, if Koko has always been there for him, why couldn't he save him. Why was he so weak and useless? Why did Koko end up joining Tenjiku to protect him when he said he would stay by his side? He went with Takemichi, in their hideout, this place with so many memories. So many things happened here. "Koko has always been by my side. He stayed no matter what… I'd do anything for him, even if it means dying." He meant it, he seriously did. He would do anything.
And he tried all he could do. He went to him, he talked to him. He tried so desperately, he thought he misheard. But no, Koko was not staying with him. Koko wanted to leave. It was the perfect occasion for the little voice to grow bigger and bigger. "Koko! When will you realise that I'm not Akane! I'm Seishu!" He regretted it right after when he saw the pain in Koko's eyes, as if he was saying "How could you think I'd see your sister instead of you." But it was too late for both of them to make up. They did not know what to say to each other at this moment. Seishu lost the only person who always stayed with him that day.
When they properly said farewell he hoped it was not true, that they'd actually talk things through. But they did not. Koko decided to continue on the dark path he took long ago. Seishu wished to change, he wanted to honour Shinichiro in some way, to make his parents proud and his sister happy. That day, he watched him leave. There were so many things he wanted to say. "Will we meet again one day?", "Did you love me", "Was I a good friend?", "Do you forgive me, for all the pain I put you through?". But he never asked them. And they parted ways with so many things unsaid. Things that could have helped Seishu so much. He may have healed faster if they talked.
But now, Seishu was left to build a new life by himself. He would have to find a path, something he'd want to do, people to share memories with.