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The days blurred together. A vicious, destructive cycle of scrolling through memories that should be forgotten and falling asleep cold and drowning in tears. It hurts more than ever before. Taeyong had been through his fair share of breakups. Some were messy- ripped apart with raised voices and poisoned words. Some were mutual- left with a tearful goodbye kiss and well wishes. But this time around, Taeyong feels emotions he did not know existed. He feels a gaping hole in his chest that seems impossible to fill and an overwhelming sense of loneliness despite the amount of people reaching out to him with love and support.
Taeyong knows he is worrying everyone around him. He knows his thoughts are not healthy. In fact, he has never faced feelings of such hopelessness before. Without Yuta, he no longer knows who he is. The Japanese boy is embedded into every bit of what Taeyong is and without him, he no longer feels like himself.
The night they said goodbye was not one of nasty fights or love filled sacrifices. It was silent and painful like the sharp slice of a blade that left Taeyong bleeding out on their living room floor. As much as Taeyong wants to hate Yuta, they were both to blame. They had lived for months pretending not to notice the knives they were pressing to each other's throats in absolute silence.
The three years they spent together were the happiest of Taeyong’s life. Yuta’s bright smile that could heal any type of hurt. Yuta’s breathtaking eyes that seemed big enough to drown in. Yuta’s soft lips that Taeyong could never erase the feeling of on his skin. Everything was Yuta, Yuta, Yuta, and the younger boy was just as infatuated with Taeyong. Maybe they loved too hard. Taeyong thought they had used up the love that was meant to last them a lifetime.
That night their eyes met and Taeyong noticed how Yuta’s no longer shone with affection the way they used to. He wondered when that changed.
Taeyong sat with his legs crossed on their bed with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders trying desperately to stop his body from shivering. Pale moonlight filtered in through the blinds painting their bedroom an eerie shade of blue. They both knew where this conversation was going to end.
“You feel it too, don't you?” Yuta asked from where he was sitting across the bed. Too far away.
It was the first time they had really spoken in days. Other than the routine “Good morning”, “Drive safe”, “What do you want for dinner?”, “Good night”. Sometimes not even those were said.
Taeyong nodded, knowing exactly the feeling Yuta was referring to. It was as if an ice wall was built between them and neither of them noticed until it was too thick to break through. Their apartment, which was once Taeyong’s safe place, became cold and dark. Even their bed felt as if it was covered in a sheet of ice, both lying too far apart to melt away the chilling border between them.
“What happened to us?” Yuta asked, his voice above a bare whisper.
“I don’t know,” Taeyong replied. He honestly didn’t. Maybe it was communication issues or maybe they don’t love each other enough to make it work for the long term or maybe it was fate telling them they weren’t meant for each other. No matter what the issue was, it felt like it was too late to fix.
The silence dragged on between them, the dull hum of the air conditioner sounding louder than before. Taeyong kept his eyes trained on the wall across from him, racking his mind to find the answer to the question he had been repeatedly asking himself for the past month.
“Do you still love me?” Yuta asked the question Taeyong had been dreading.
Taeyong could not bring himself to look at the younger whose face was, without a doubt, twisted into an expression of unease and desperation. Taeyong wanted so badly to say he does. At one point he would have reassured the other with comforting words and a warm embrace, but that no longer feels natural. How terrible is that? To no longer feel the immediate urge to comfort your lover.
“I don’t know,” Taeyong replied again, wishing he had the answer to something, anything.
“I’m not sure either,” Yuta said with a sigh. Taeyong wasn’t surprised but it would be a lie to say that the confession did not hurt.
“Do you think we can fix it?” Taeyong asked, afraid to hear the answer he believes is true.
They had already tried. They noticed the distance building between them as they settled into a domestic lifestyle. Yuta would go to work at the marketing firm he got hired at immediately after graduation while Taeyong would head to his dance studio. Their dates were tinged with a hint of awkwardness and sex was beginning to feel like a chore. They began to drift apart and rarely made time for each other anymore. They tried, they really did, but nothing they did could get rid of the silence beginning to surround them. Nothing ever felt the same as it used to. The fire was gone and their relationship had turned cold.
The mere thought of falling out of love with Yuta scared Taeyong to no end but he couldn't come up with any other reasonable explanation for why he no longer feels sparks under his skin when Yuta kisses him. It’s hard to keep trying when you could already see the end.
Yuta shook his head. “I don’t think we can fix it anymore.”
And with that, they came to an agreement. Neither of them was happy and that was clear. What they had was gone, there was no point in holding onto it. Taeyong had felt an aching pain in the middle of his chest, longing for the beautiful love they had lost.
The morning after, Yuta packed his things and said he was going to stay at a friend’s house. He thanked Taeyong for their time together and kissed him before he left. It felt like nothing and everything all at the same time, but most of all it felt wrong. There were no tears, just a simple goodbye and then deafening silence. It felt so wrong. The cold stormed on in the empty apartment leaving Taeyong numb. It took him days to finally come back to his senses. Then he cried. Taeyong wasn’t the type to cry often- or at all really- but he cried and cried for days because letting Yuta walk away was wrong. He found his answer.
“Yes Yuta, I love you. I still love you,” Taeyong had whimpered into the tear stained bedsheets. He said it over and over again. He screamed it at the top of his lungs into the empty apartment. He sobbed it into his best friend’s shirt. But no matter how many times he said it, Yuta was still gone.
***
It takes an entire month for Doyoung to convince Taeyong to move into the guest room of his house. His closest friend had been stopping by now and then to make sure Taeyong was eating and sleeping ok, both of which he wasn’t. Doyoung would not take no for an answer as he makes Taeyong cancel his lease and helps him pack his things.
Leaving the space that he shared with Yuta for over a year breaks him all over again. He lets himself collapse into a heap in the middle of the bare living room and thinks back to when they first moved in with smiles that reached their eyes and plans of a future together.
“I think we should put the couch over there and maybe one of those fancy glass coffee tables right here. Maybe a light blue wallpaper,” Yuta said leaning against the plain white wall, pointing around the room acting as if he was a professional interior designer.
“Whatever you say,” Taeyong laughed, leaning into the younger boy’s side blissfully sipping on his overly sweetened iced tea.
“What, do you not agree? I studied interior design in college y’know?” he lied with a playful smile on his beautiful face.
“We graduated together just four months ago, business major. I won’t fall for that one.”
“Fine,” Yuta laughed. “But I did do some research on how to make small spaces look bigger. I know this place is a little small, but-”
“It’s perfect,” Taeyong interrupted. “ It’s perfect for us.”
“I’m so excited!” Yuta’s smile got impossibly brighter and he wrapped his arms tightly around Taeyong's waist, eyes shimmering with adoration as he sang: “I loveeee you!”
Taeyong thought at that moment that he would marry Yuta one day. How wrong he had been.
Doyoung held together Taeyong’s broken pieces until he was somewhat stable. About as stable as a broken vase put together with craft glue is. With this slightest push, he knew he would fall apart again. But for now, Taeyong no longer feels the urge to call Yuta and beg him to come back. To be fair, he already tried but the younger never picked up or responded to the embarrassing text messages Taeyong wishes he could unsend. They had broken up for a reason, it doesn’t matter if Taeyong still loves Yuta, getting back together wouldn’t fix their relationship.
Taeyong is happy to find that he is able to put his focus back on his work. The perk of being his own boss is that he can take all the time he needs off to gather himself, but he had left the dance studio in the hands of Ten for far too long. The Thai boy is one of his closest friends and his business partner who was more than willing to take care of the studio while Taeyong dropped by now and then.
“Are you sure you’re good? There’s not much for us to do anyways, the staff are basically running this place at this point. I can handle everything else if you need more time,” Ten asks.
“I’m sure,” Taeyong says with his most convincing smile. “I can’t just be taking a month off work because of a breakup.”
“It’s not just a normal breakup, Tae. You were together for over 3 years. Our entire university thought you and Yuta were endgame. I would be an absolute trainwreck if I was in your situation,” Ten says. “I’m here if you need anything at all, ok?”
“I know Tennie, thank you. Can we not talk about it anymore?”
Taeyong is tired of people offering their help. There’s truly nothing that anyone can do to make him feel better. So as the days go by Taeyong buries himself in work. There honestly isn’t much work to do. As Ten said, their dance instructors and other staff basically handle the studio on their own. To keep himself busy, Taeyong creates his own work- reaching out to idol groups to film at their studio, finding guest instructors, and working on new choreographies. He even went as far as planning out a studio expansion that isn’t in their annual budget.
At least designing an entire new building and new studios will keep his mind busy through his sleepless nights. Taeyong hasn’t slept alone in years. Even before he met Yuta, he always preferred having someone to share the bed with. Being alone is worse now than ever before. As soon as he closes his eyes, memories start playing through his head like a film he can’t turn off. That’s how Taeyong finds himself staying up night after night with his MacBook carefully perched on his lap.
“Yong what the hell are you doing,” Doyoung yells, scrambling back against the wall in the darkness of his living room.
“Working,” Taeyong replies, eyes not leaving his laptop where he was furiously typing away.
“It’s 3 in the morning?” Doyoung questioned.
“Oh?” Taeyong looks away then, pretending not to notice that it had gotten that late. He’s exhausted but tries not to show it.
Doyoung sighs before walking into the kitchen to turn on the kettle.
“Have you been sleeping ok?” he asks from the kitchen.
“No, not really,” Taeyong replied. “I’ve been working on this project that I need to get done.”
Doyoung returns with a cup of tea which he sets in Taeyong hands before shutting his laptop and setting it on the coffee table.
“Are you drugging me?” Taeyong asks with an eyebrow raised.
“Yes,” Doyoung replies in all seriousness. “It’s lavender tea, it should help you sleep. Are you gonna tell me what’s really going on?”
“I told you I’m fine. I’m just working.”
“Ten told me the studio is basically running itself at this point so unless you have some secret side hustle I don’t know about, what could possibly be important enough to be working on in the middle of the night,” Doyoung asks, sitting down next to Taeyong close enough that he could feel the other’s body warmth.
Why does he still feel so cold?
“It’s keeping my mind off him, please just let me be,” Taeyong begs, mug shaking in his trembling hands.
He doesn’t want to think about Yuta. He doesn’t want others to talk to him about Yuta. He just wants to be left alone.
“Yong, it isn’t healthy what you’re doing. You need sleep.”
He shakes his head, feeling another wave of tears beginning to rise. He sets down the tea, afraid to spill it on his friend’s couch, and curls in on himself wondering when he became so pathetic. How does his body even produce this many tears?
“Oh, Yong,” Doyoung looks at him with sympathy.
“I don’t know what to do. Being without him hurts so bad and it’s not getting any better,” Taeyong cries, wiping his eyes with his long sleeves to find the wetness instantly replaced.
“I know, I’m sorry,” Doyoung says, draping himself over the older boy. “You might not be able to tell but you are getting better. I can see you starting to come back to yourself, it’ll take some time but you’ll be ok, I promise.”
It’s what everyone has been telling him. Time heals everything. Give it some time. He sure hopes they’re right.
“Can I sleep with you please?” Taeyong asks softly.
“Of course Yong, you don’t even have to ask. Drink your tea and we’ll go to bed, ok?
Taeyong nods, feeling sleep beginning to overtake him with the comforting smell of lavender and Doyoung’s long fingers running through his hair.
***
3 months later Taeyong didn’t have to try as hard to return back to his normal life. He took on teaching a class for fun and finds himself genuinely enjoying dancing again and spending time with the students. He starts working on new choreographies and going out with his friends again. Yuta still crosses his mind quite often but the sharp pain of longing that accompanied the thought of him has reduced down to a dull ache.
He found out through one of Yuta’s friends that the younger boy had left for Japan just a few weeks after their breakup. It just felt odd. Someone that was, and still is, his entire world just packed up and left the country without a word. Of course, Taeyong isn’t entitled to know these things anymore, but for some reason, he still felt a pang of hurt.
***
6 months later Taeyong finally feels ok again. He sits in a booth at a coffee shop he and Yuta used to frequent, not too far from their old apartment.
Taeyong’s face crinkled up when he took a sip of Yuta’s drink. “That’s gross. It’s so bitter.”
“Yours is worse,” Yuta retorted, fake gagging. “How much sugar is even in this?”
“A lot but that’s why I’m so sweet,” Taeyong smiled.
“Yeah? Wanna give me a taste later? We can go back to my dorm,” Yuta smirked, leaning back in his seat almost giving Taeyong a heart attack in the process. Taeyong’s usually confident but he’s no match for Yuta who seems to be able to melt Taeyong into a puddle with just the tilt of his lips.
“It’s barely the first date!” Taeyong cried out, face heating up.
“I know, I’m just joking,” Yuta laughed. “You got so red.”
“Shut up,” Taeyong pouted, hiding his face in his hands.
“Ok ok, I’m done. I can’t be chasing you away before I get a second date.”
“You want a second date?” Taeyong asked, blushing even further.
“Of course! I really want to spend more time with you.”
“I do too.” Taeyong smiled, absolutely smitten.
“Are you ok?” Doyoung says from across the booth, snapping Taeyong back to reality.
“Yeah, just thinking,” Taeyong admits. “I’m ok though.”
He doesn't feel as bad as he expected sitting in the same booth he used to sit at with Yuta countless times in the past.
“I’m proud of you Yong,” Doyoung says.
***
Taeyong groans, blindly shoving his arms out into the darkness in an attempt to stop the buzzing of his phone. He squints at the unknown caller ID wondering who would be calling him at this time. He figures it is a spam call and goes back to sleep.
The next morning, he wishes he never woke up.
“Hey... hi. I hope this is the person I’m trying to call or this message is going to be awkward as hell haha. Um, it’s Yuta.
I probably shouldn’t be doing this, but I’ve been thinking a lot. Do you remember that night we went for a drive? It was like 2:30 in the morning and it was pouring rain. The radio was playing some stupid cheesy OST and we kissed for what felt like hours, holding onto each other like a lifeline. It was so freezing cold outside but we stayed there in that random parking lot talking about anything and everything that came to mind until the sun started to come up.
That was two years ago today. I don’t know, I was just thinking about it. I’m gonna regret this tomorrow. I hope you're doing well, Taeyong. I’m sorry, I’ll go now. Bye.”
Taeyong feels a dangerous clash of emotions as the voicemail comes to an end. His cheeks became tear stained a mere 2 seconds into the message but he also felt rage and confusion like never before.
How dare he?
How dare he call Taeyong 6 months after leaving? How dare he make Taeyong remember the things he’s trying so hard to forget? How fucking dare he open up the gaping hole in Taeyong’s chest again?
Taeyong grips his phone until his knuckles turn white and screams out in frustration. He was finally doing ok. He suffered for months just to be put back in square one after a dumb, drunken message from his ex.
As much as he hates it, he plays the message again. Again and again, letting the voice that sounds like home transport him back to the night they realized they were in love. Yuta felt so soft and warm in his arms, lips dancing together to the sound of the rain on the car windows. They whispered to each other all their fears, secrets, and hopes with their limbs intertwined in the backseat. Taeyong had never felt intimacy in that way before.
It was the middle of finals week but the distance spent away from each other to study was killing them. So of course they drove as far away from their little college town as they could, feeling their stresses melt away as the only thing left to think about was the fresh scent of the midnight air and their fingers gently intertwined.
They pulled into an empty parking lot when it started raining. Yuta lay underneath Taeyong on the cramped seats in the back of his old car, peering up through his messy blonde bangs. Somehow, despite the lack of space, they felt more comfortable than ever.
“Can I tell you a secret?” Taeyong asked, balanced on his elbows while carefully tracing the angles of Yuta’s face illuminated so beautifully under the dull street lights.
“Anything,” Yuta replied, sounding a little breathless.
“I’m so in love with you,” Taeyong smiled.
Yuta grinned with watery eyes. “I’m so in love with you too.”
Taeyong leaned down, taking his time to press kisses all over the younger’s face. “Stay with me forever.”
Yuta was full on crying at that point while Taeyong was more than happy to kiss the tears away. Yuta had always been the more emotional one out of the two of them- he was never afraid to show how he felt.
Yuta nodded and said, “Of course I will,” pulling Taeyong down against his body and holding him tightly in his arms.
Taeyong was hyper aware of the addicting warmth surrounding him. Breath on his skin, a loving embrace, a gentle hand drawing patterns along his back, the beating of Yuta’s heart below his ear. Taeyong was addicted to the flame between them.
Taeyong is shivering when he comes back to reality. He manages to scramble to the shower and jumps in fully clothed with the temperature on full heat in an attempt to soothe his shaking body. The water burns yet somehow he still doesn’t feel a thing.
A heartbreaking sob rips through his throat as he slides down to the floor of the shower. The sound of the water drops landing around him takes him back to that night. But instead of being safe and warm with Yuta, he’s outside in the pouring rain.
It’s so cold. He feels his vision start to darker as his body is shaking at an alarming level. He closes his eyes praying that somehow, someway, that when he opens them again he would be ok again. That everything will be as it should.
Unfortunately, all he sees when he opens his eyes again is Doyoung’s ceiling and he’s colder than ever. He tries to sit upright and immediately feels his head start to spin. He also becomes increasingly aware of the headache pounding through his skull. He falls back against the couch, trying to bury himself further into the blankets that were wrapped around him.
“Oh my god Taeyong, don't move! Hold on, let me help.”
He hears Ten’s voice. The Thai boy helps him sit up and settles the blankets tightly around his shoulders while Doyoung rushes over with a glass of warm water.
While Taeyong takes small sips, Doyoung scolds him.
“I leave for 30 minutes to get some groceries and find you passed out in the shower. Do you know how terrified I was?! The water was freezing! If Ten wasn’t with me I would have called an ambulance.”
“I’m sorry,” Taeyong says with a scratchy voice, keeping his head down in shame.
He wasn’t supposed to be in these situations anymore. He is supposed to be ok now. The hot water must have turned cold sometime after he passed out. Maybe it wasn't even hot to begin with. He pulls the blankets closer around his shoulders and falls into Ten’s side while the younger pats his hair dry with a towel.
His two friends were furious after hearing what happened. But after hearing the message itself, they were looking at each other with confusion.
“Yong, it doesn’t sound like he’s over you either,” Ten says gently.
“I think you should call him,” Doyoung agrees.
Taeyong shakes his head vigorously at the suggestion. No, he couldn’t call that number. They broke up for a reason. If their relationship was meant to be then they wouldn’t have broken up. Taeyong just needs to learn to get over Yuta.
“I’ve been doing fine, I can be fine again.”
Ten smiles sympathetically, running his thin fingers through Taeyong semi wet hair. “We don’t want you to be just fine. We want you to be happy. And we’ve never seen you happier than when you were with Yuta,”
Taeyong knows they’re right. Of course they’re right. He might have been “fine” or “ok” but he definitely wasn’t happy.
“Maybe I can find someone else,” Taeyong says.
He freezes as soon as the words slip from his mouth. It sounds so wrong. The concept of Taeyong being with anyone that isn’t Yuta is wrong. It’s the first time the thought had even occurred to him.
But he has to move on at some point right? And that means seeing other people.
“C’mon Tae, you know that wouldn’t be fair to you or the other person,” Doyoung reasons.
And Taeyong snaps. “Well, what do you want me to do then?! You want me to go crawling back to my ex hoping he still wants me. Do you think he’ll come back to Korea for me? And even if he does- then what, we broke up because the feeling wasn’t there anymore. Who’s to say it won’t be the same thing all over again. I’m just holding onto useless glorified memories that I should just forget.”
“It’s your choice Tae, we’ll stand by you no matter what. But remember he called you- drunk or not- something in him made him reach out to you. The ball is in your court now.”
Taeyong stares at the unknown number for days before finally deciding to send a text. He figures he might regret it if he lets the opportunity slip, and what’s the worst that could happen? Some more heartache? Taeyong is already well accustomed to that. The angry paragraph he wrote morphed into a depressed one which eventually shortened down to “hey. its taeyong.”
Yuta doesn't respond and Taeyong can’t sleep. He stares at his blue text bubble until it is all he can see even when he looks away from the screen.
Yuta doesn’t respond that night. Nor does the reply come the next day. It takes an entire week before a “hi. how have you been?” popped up in his messages. Taeyong lies and says he has been doing ok.
"can i call you?"
"you can say no if you’re uncomfortable"
Taeyong stares at the messages, unsure of how to respond. On one hand, he would give anything to hear Yuta’s voice again. But on the other, his class is about to start and his students will most definitely walk in on him crying in the studio.
He decides to do the responsible thing. "my class ends at 5, can we talk after?"
He sets down his phone, without waiting for the response, and walks to the middle of the room to warm up. Worst case scenario, Yuta says no. Taeyong thinks he can handle that.
Unfortunately, the worst case scenario is a little worse than he expected.
"actually can we meet in that park by the river? the one we used to go to"
"I’ll meet you there at 6?"
Saying he’s confused is an understatement. Is Yuta back? He looks at the time to see it’s nearing 5:20pm and there are still a couple of kids loitering around the studio. Taeyong rushes the dancers to go home and quickly grabs his bag from his upstairs office where Ten is trying to hide a smile.
“What’s up?” Taeyong asks, watching the Thai boy’s eyes widen.
“Oh nothing,” he says, eyes narrowing back to a sly cunning look that makes Taeyong nervous.
He doesn’t have much time to grill Ten on what he’s done so he decides to do it afterward. Knowing Ten he probably has something to do with Yuta asking to meet.
“If I find out you meddled again I’m gonna leave fruits in your bed,” Taeyong threatens before leaving.
Taeyong found his head swimming with doubtful words on his trip back home. Is he really doing this? Can he do this? He also found himself wondering if the other had changed in any way since he last saw him. Is Yuta’s hair still bright red? Does his smile dazzle like the sun again without Taeyong around?
The last thing Taeyong wants is to have his heart broken again. But to be fair, it’s still just as broken as when Yuta first left. He’s got absolutely nothing to lose, but anxiety still creeps up his spine as he washes the sweat off his body and then rummages through his closet and pulls on a pair of skinny jeans before rummaging some more.
Doyoung watches him quizzically from the doorway after hearing the obscene amount of distressed sounds Taeyong was making. Taeyong pulls the soft blue sweater he was looking for over his head and places the pile of clothes he made onto his bed to clean up later. Then he begins to pace in the little space left in the guest bedroom.
“What's wrong?” Doyoung asks, breaking Taeyong’s trance with concern etched into his tone.
“Yuta is here. He’s not in Japan. He’s here,” Taeyong replies, continuing to pace. “He wants me to meet him at 6. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know what this means. I-”
“Yong. Yong, calm down,” Doyoung says, reaching out to Taeyong and wrapping his arms around the elder’s waist to keep him still. “I think you should go. I think there’s a lot between you two that wasn’t communicated properly and this might give you some clarity.”
“What if I get hurt more?” Taeyong asks, looking up at Doyoung with absolute heartbreak in his eyes. “What if he leaves again.”
Doyoung places his chin on Taeyongs head, rubbing his palm comfortingly across the older’s back. The embrace is warm yet Taeyong still finds himself shaking, yearning for warmth that only one person can give him.
“Then I’ll be here with ice cream and cuddles when you get home. But I really think this will be good for you. You know I wouldn’t encourage it if I thought you would get hurt. Yuta is a good guy, we all know that. Hear him out, if it doesn’t work out then at least you know for sure that it’s time to move on.”
Taeyong nods and Doyoung steps back to look at him. “You look beautiful. Go get your man, ok?”
Taeyong almost turns on his heels and walks away when he sees Yuta’s figure leaning against the railing and looking out at the river. It almost feels like deja vu.
“It’s beautiful out here isn’t it?” Taeyong asks, leaning on the metal railing to watch the moonlight paint the river in silver.
“Freezing, but yes, very beautiful,” Yuta replies from behind him, tightening his arms around Taeyong’s middle and leaning his head on the older’s shoulder.
“I missed this,” Taeyong admits. “I’ve missed you.”
“I know, baby, I’m sorry. Just a few more weeks and my schedule will be back to normal. I’ll be all yours.”
Taeyong nods. “Are you tired?”
“Yeah, but I want to stay out here with you for a while. I miss you too, you know?”
“We can just cuddle in bed,” Taeyong suggests, turning around a little to face the younger.
“We could, but you look stunning under the moonlight and I want to appreciate it for a while longer.”
Taeyong still blushes despite years of comments like this.
“My beautiful boy,” Yuta whispers, pressing lips to Taeyong’s nape.
Now, Yuta’s hair is back to its natural black color but has grown long, curling against the back of his neck and framing his sharp features in a way that makes him look breathtaking.
Taeyong fights between the urge to run and bury himself into Yuta’s side and the urge to turn on his heels and run back to his apartment. Doyoung’s words repeat in his head and he works up the courage to approach the younger who seems to be deep in thought. Taeyong leaves a good couple of feet between them despite how unnatural the space between them feels.
“Taeyong,” Yuta looks at him with wide eyes. “I didn’t think you would actually come.”
“I wasn’t going to,” Taeyong replies honestly, internally cringing at how scratchy his voice sounds.
“I’m sorry,” Yuta says. Taeyong feels like they both would be apologizing until their mouths run dry.
“I’m sorry too,” Taeyong speaks while looking out at the water, thankful to have something to look at other than Yuta. He’s afraid that if he faces the younger, he won’t be able to stop the overwhelming amount of emotions circling his mind.
“How have you been?” Yuta asks.
“Fine.” The response is automatic. “You?”
“Not great, but getting better,” Yuta says.
Oh. He’s getting better. Meanwhile, Taeyong is exactly where he started. An awkward silence drags on until Yuta finally breaks it with the words Taeyong fears and is desperate to hear
“I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” he replies.
“No Tae, I really fucking missed you,” Yuta stresses, turning to face him.
“Then why did you leave?” Taeyong shivers through gritted teeth, not at all liking the way his anger rises up, but once he starts he finds himself unable to stop. “Why didn’t you answer my calls in the beginning? Why did you just disappear to Japan without a word? Why leave that goddamn message just as I finally thought I got over you? Why come back now after half a year? Why, Yuta, why?”
“You got over me?” Hurt flashes across Yuta’s features. He clearly wasn’t expecting Taeyong to say that.
Taeyong sighs, looking away. “I tried.”
Yuta nods in understanding. “I went to Japan through my company to work with a new startup. I thought it would be good for me to spend some time with my family too. I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how.”
“Was it? Good for you?”
“I think so. I was such a mess when I got there. My parents were really disappointed with how things went. I talked to my dad a lot those first few days and it made me realize how wrong I was,” Yuta explains.
“Wrong about what?” Taeyong’s heart was beating out of his chest.
“The way I felt for you. He told me love changes but if it’s real it never fades. We grew up, we were settling into adult life and I guess that passionate love I felt for you in college turned to something more mellow. I thought I fell out of love with you, but I was so, so wrong.”
Taeyong could feel Yuta’s eyes on him when he said: “I could never fall out of love with you.”
Taeyong takes a while to process that information. Yuta still loves him. Taeyong still loves Yuta. And what Yuta said makes sense- Taeyong feels stupid for not realizing it. Of course, their relationship wouldn’t stay in the honeymoon phase forever. Their love wasn’t crazy passionate like it was in the beginning but how could he have ever thought it wasn’t still as strong.
“Yong?” The younger looks heartbroken when Taeyong finally meets his eyes. “If you’ve moved on you can just say so- I’ll be ok. I just needed you to know.”
“No! Not at all,” Taeyong exclaims, resisting the urge to reach out to him as he isn’t sure what they are now. “I couldn’t move on. I realized I still love you the day after you left.”
“Is that why you called me? You said you did in the beginning,” Yuta asks.
Taeyong nods, feeling a little embarrassed for some reason.
“I’m sorry, I would have picked up but I left my phone here with Johnny. I only took my work phone with me to Japan, I just really needed to get away from my life here for a while.”
Johnny, one of Yuta’s friends from college, was the one who had told Taeyong that the other had left for Japan. Now Taeyong wishes he had asked for some more information rather than just being upset over Yuta not picking up his calls and leaving the country.
Taeyong nods in understanding. He wishes he had a place to escape to where everything didn’t remind him of Yuta, but he was born and raised in Seoul. He can’t help but feel jealousy that Yuta did not feel the same pain Taeyong did for the past 6 months. Regardless, Yuta was here now confessing for the second time.
“So what now?” Taeyong asks.
“Do you want to try again?” Yuta asks carefully.
His heart is screaming yes, but his mind is still afraid. Afraid of being broken again. Afraid of losing Yuta a second time. He finds his eyes tearing up with no warning.
“Oh no, Yong, are you crying?” Yuta asks, hands hesitating to reach out.
The younger had seen Taeyong cry a grand total of 2 times- once when his dog died and again at the grand opening of his dance studio. If only Yuta knew how much he has cried for him over the past 6 months.
The dam Taeyong has been holding back finally breaks. “I really thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life regretting letting you walk away. I thought I lost you forever Yuta and it hurt so badly. Nothing I did could make it better and it was always so cold. All I could think about was you and if you were ok and if I would ever be ok without you.”
“Can I hold you?” Yuta asks, voice trembling. “Please?”
Taeyong nods almost desperately and he doesn’t feel like he can properly breathe until Yuta’s arms are around him. Taeyong feels as though all is right in the world again as he rests his head against Yuta’s shoulder.
“Don’t cry, it hurts to see you cry,” Yuta says, holding back tears of his own, running his fingers through the older’s hair. He wipes Taeyong’s tears away with the pad of his thumb. “I’m here now. I’ll keep you warm, I’m not leaving ever again.”
Taeyong presses himself further against Yuta. “Can we please try again?”
“Let’s try again. And if something goes wrong, we’ll try and try again,” Yuta says. “Anything as long as I have you by my side.”
Taeyong feels as though all is right in the world again as he confesses the love he’s been holding in over and over again, but this time he isn’t met with silence.