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“You turned him down???”
The incredulity in Diana’s voice rang across the conference room. She conveyed so many things in that one short sentence - disappointment, disapproval, surprise, and sadness. Liza, having been on the receiving end of this exact sentiment what felt like a hundred times already, merely sighed.
“It’s a long story. But don’t worry about that now, I want to hear about you! Your honeymoon! Your new lease on life”!
It wasn’t hard to convince Diana to switch back to one of her favourite topics, herself. “Well, as you know, I wasn’t sure if I would ever come back to … this.” She gestured expansively around the office. “But it was just so wonderful taking the time with Enzo…and we decided to turn our trip into a complete Europe tour and you know, Liza, I always thought that Eat, Pray, Love was such a tasteless example of a bestseller but it turns out that the eat and love parts of it are actually quite profound. Everyone should take some time out from life and discover who they really want to be.” Her eyes narrowed. “Although given your little experiment, can I assume you learned this lesson already?”
Liza had to laugh. This was Diana; forthright, condescending, but it came from a place of love, and now that Liza understood this, it was so much easier to handle.
“Well, I can say that I learned a lot about myself, not doing what people expected a 40-something to do.” This was true. It had been so freeing, living as a Millennial, no responsibility, no expectations.
“Liza, darling, I just spent the past few months doing that too. And do you know what I learned?” Diana leaned forward, ready to impart her wisdom.
“What’s that?”
“That it doesn’t matter what age you are. You still have the right to do whatever the hell you want. Embrace life! No one can put you in a box, not if you don’t let them! I’m married, and I still left Enzo behind for a few days while I went to an exclusive spa resort on Crete.”
“You did?”
“Of course I did! I needed some me time! As much as I love the man, he certainly doesn’t own me.”
And that struck a chord with Liza. It reminded her just what she had been so afraid of with Charles. Not wanting to be in a marriage where there were implied rules, or expectations.
“The best relationships are a partnership," Diana continued. "I didn’t think this was possible, but I do me, and he does him, and the great thing is that we get to come home to each other when we want to. I don’t expect him there but when he is, I’m grateful. And likewise, he knows that I have to forge my own path but he trusts that I love him.”
That hit Liza hard. The fact that Diana had come back to her job after months away was a big deal - Liza wasn’t sure if Diana had been seduced by Europe, or was living up her first time off ever, or if it was part of her new commitment to being a wife. She had been terrified that it was the third option. After all, wasn’t that what had happened to Liza? Married young and given up her career; and then later in life, surrounded by married friends who seemed so…trapped? Her only friends who were having fun were the unattached and once Liza joined them, it was more fun that Liza had ever had in her life.
She hadn’t wanted it to end.
No matter how much she loved Charles.
“Marriage and commitment is not a death sentence, you know,” said Diana, patting her hand. “With the right person, you can still be you.”
Liza sighed. “I wish I’d met Charles under different circumstances.” Without the lying, Oh, there had been reasons - and so many good reasons - but it was the uncomfortable truth that had ultimately torn them apart. She’d gotten so used to keeping secrets that it just seemed natural and when she’d been torn between a best friend and a lover, well, secrets always felt like the best solution.
Best solution? Or easiest? She’d been turning that over in her own mind these past months. With both Charles and Kelsey leaving, and Maggie in love, she’d had a lot of time by herself to think. Why hadn’t she trusted Charles fully; when she could tell Kelsey anything? Did it mean she valued her friend over her partner? Or was it because she still wanted to keep Charles at arm's length, despite loving him?
“Liza, listen to me.” Diana took her hands, an unusually soft gesture. “Charles and I have been close for many, many years, and believe me when I say this. That man loves you. Now, I don’t know why his pride got offended or why he’s at Yaddo but if I know anything about man, I know this. He’ll get over it and he will come back to you.”
Trying to smile, Liza looked down. “I just don’t see how we could get past, well, everything that happened.”
“Kelsey got over it.” That was Diana, blunt and to the point. “I got over it. The entire office got over it and now accepts you as Editor in Chief! You really think Charles won’t be able to?”
“I don’t know,” she said softly. “It was… it was both of us.” Because yes, Liza had to accept responsibility too. Her own fears of being trapped by marriage had put up a wall she hadn’t even realised was there.
And now her life felt diminished. No more ridiculous dramas or in-office jealousies - and from that perspective, it was actually nice to be able to focus on the work. She still had her friendships with Josh and Maggie, but things were different without Kelsey and Lauren, who had gone to LA as well.
“Anyway,” and Liza forced a bright smile onto her face, “now that you’re back, it’s going to be the two of us who get to find the new talent!”
Diana smiled. “Liza, we are going to take Empirical to a whole new level.”
And she had that, at least, to focus on. Despite the lonely nights. In the moments where she signed a new author, the whole charade seemed worth it, and Liza was embracing the wholeness that she could: a single, successful woman who finally felt like she had come into her own. This was the goal, this was what she'd wanted.
Now she had to face the fact that her heart still wanted Charles.
—
“Dear Liza,
This is the twentieth draft of the letter I’m attempting to write to you. I find that I have so much to say to you and yet the words won’t come. Which is ridiculous because I’m feeling so inspired here at Yaddo. It’s a place to think so deeply and clearly, to allow my life to come into focus and clarity in a way that wasn’t possible when I was running Empirical.
I've been writing so much and every time I put words to paper, I can't help but wonder what you would think. How you would get the cute little frown when you had some critical feedback for me, and how you always laughed at my jokes. You understood me, Liza, and you brought me so much joy. I wish we had met under different circumstances because I think you would have been an incredible partner all these years. And now that I'm here, I do want to thank you for submitting my application. It was the push I didn't know I needed.
I know that you would always keep encouraging me to be myself and reach for my dreams. It's who you are; your relentless optimism and drive and somehow, you make incredible things happen. I need someone in my life who can help me remember to do this, but someone who is all in and honest about it. The more time I have away from Empirical, the more I realise that working together was hurting us and it's not fair to put all the blame on you. You are such a loyal person and it can't have been easy to navigate work and friendships and relationships. Only now am I starting to appreciate that. (I suppose this old dog can learn a few new life lessons after all, and start to change his point of view?) Because every day I feel like I learned something from you, and the most important things were to take chances and to live life with purpose and joy. That's what I'm trying to do.
All this to say that the one piece of clarity I have regarding you is this: I love you still.
I don’t know what the future holds for us but I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and heart and I truly hope that we can find a way forward.
Love, Charles
—
Was it really that simple? Forgiveness, openness and moving forward? Could she really open up her whole self and stop holding back?
Liza wanted to try.
And so she penned a short message of her own.
“Dear Charles,
I’m still here.”