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Christmas was fast approaching and the Addams house was buzzing with holiday anticipation. Contrary to popular belief, the Addams family didn’t reject the conventionally cheerful holiday, they just rejected the conventional. And the cheerful. And the sugar plums.
Much to that point, there were plenty of dark aspects to the holidays. The possibility of slipping on ice and having a bruised spine just in time for Cousin Perineum’s annual Christmas Eve extravaganza, for example. Not to mention all the dark lore attached to Christmas stories. Scrooge being visited by three ghosts in the night (Wednesday’s favorite was the Ghost of Christmas Future, she always laughs when he points to Scrooge’s grave). And there was always Pugsley’s favorite, Krampus, the demon anti- Santa who beats naughty children with sticks. Every Krampusnacht you can find him in front of the chimney, waiting with glee for the horned demon to appear. He even had his own special sticks ready, just in case.
Gomez’s favorite part was the anxiety that came with buying the perfect present for his family. Normally the sweaty, prickly, sickly feeling made him really get into the Christmas spirit. This year, however, trying to think of the perfect gift for Morticia was giving him the bad kind of anxiety. The kind that made him have to hit the bathroom a bit more than usual. Damn that spastic colon.
What can you possibly give the most perfect woman in the entire universe? What gift could showcase his undying love? What gift would say, ‘I’m yours for all eternity?’ He considered ripping his heart out of his chest, but if he did that, how would he continue living to cherish his beloved cara mia? Perhaps just a heart valve would do? But where could he find a cardiologist that also does gift wrapping?
Gomez paced the floor of their bedroom, his eyes darting towards Morticia’s closet. Jewelry? No, he gave her a new, sparkly set of jewels at least once a week. Shoes? No, too basic, and he had received a personal cease and desist letter from Christian Louboutin last week. So what? What could he get for Morticia?
“Why don’t you just ask her?” Fester asked from somewhere in the room, making Gomez nearly jump out of his skin.
“Aye dios! Where did you come from?” Gomez gasped, “and how did you know what I was thinking?”
“Because you were talking out loud,” Fester said with a shrug, wandering into the room. He plopped down on the bed. “Ah, where the magic happens.”
“Fester, we talked about this,” Gomez said, grabbing Fester’s shoulder and maneuvering him off the bed.
“I’ve been good!” he declared, eyes darting to the ceiling. “You hear that, Santa?”
Gomez chuckled, his mustache twitching as he fought a smile. “Back to the point, I can’t just ask Morticia what she wants for Christmas, where's the romance in that?”
Fester shrugged. “I could ask her. Then tell you!”
Gomez considered this for a moment. Would that really be so bad? And Fester looked so eager to do it…
“And you wouldn’t say that it was me who wanted to know?”
“Cross my heart!” Fester said, making a criss cross over his stomach.
“Very well,” Gomez sighed. “That would be rather helpful. Thank you, Fester.”
“No problem!” Fester said happily, taking a seat on the small, antique couch in front of the fireplace. He stared off into the fire, seemingly with no intention of moving. But once he went to take his shoes off, Gomez felt the urge to speak up.
“Um, now, Fester.”
“Oh!” he popped up off the couch. “On it, chief!”
Gomez watched in confusion as Fester made his way out of the room. “Chief?”
…
Fester was off on his mission to find out exactly what Morticia wanted for Christmas. He grinned at the black garlands lining the staircase when a thought struck him. The garlands needed bats… the caves had bats… he should go to the cave.
No! He had to talk to Morticia! He was on a mission! He continued down the stairs, eyes still on the lonely, black pine. It really needed bats! Luckily for him, Mama was making her way up the stairs at the same time.
“Mama, I need a favor!”
Mama winced. “Must you shout? I’m fighting off a wicked hangover.”
“I need you to do me a favor,” he continued, lowering his voice to an exaggerated whisper. “I need you to go ask Morticia what she wants for Christmas.”
Mama squinted at him for a moment before responding. “What's in it for me?”
“What's in it for you? Where is your Christmas spirit?”
“My christmas spirit is in a bottle of Chianti,” she grumbled, before a lightbulb seemed to form over her head. “Get me some fava beans to go with that and I’ll ask Morticia.”
Fester’s eyes widened in morbid curiosity mixed with shock. “Isn’t that what Hannibal Lector eats with-”
“Don’t ask questions! Get me the beans! I’ll go ask Morticia now.”
…
As one would imagine, Mama had no intention of asking Morticia herself. A nap was screaming her name. Drunken alligator wrestling took a lot more out of her than it did when she was a young 73. Lucky for her, Pugsley was sitting in the upstairs hallway, playing one handed paddy cake with Thing.
“Psst, Pugsley, I got a job for you.”
Pugsley looked up, eyebrows raised. “What kind of job?”
“I need you to go ask your mother what she wants for Christmas.”
“But I already got her a stuffed armadillo. I made sure it had extra leprosy,” he said with a proud grin.
“No, no, it's for Fester I think. If you do it I’ll give you a piece of skunk taffy.”
“Oh boy!” Pugsley shouted, jumping up and nearly knocking over Thing. “I’m on it!”
Pugsley rushed off, very eager to do his task when, of course, a distraction popped up. Outside the front door, icicles were forming on the eaves. They were very thick and very sharp, perfect for jousting with. He had to get them down before they dropped and broke! Lucky for him, Wednesday was wandering by, seemingly on her way to Morticia in the first place.
“Hey, Wednesday, can you go ask Mother what she wants for Christmas?”
“Sure!” she said with a shrug, swinging her doll as she walked along.
Pugsley grinned with boyish abandon. “You are mine, icicles! Mine!”
…
Wednesday continued to skip down the hallway. She was on her way to play dolls with Morticia, which made Pugsley’s favor a very easy one, when the smell of Lurch’s salamander scones caught her attention. Her little stomach growled, so she swiftly switched direction and made her way into the kitchen.
Lurch was standing over the wooden kitchen island, glazing the scones with Wednesday’s favorite- scorpion venom glaze. She skipped over to him and tugged on his sleeve to get his attention.
“Hello, Lurch, those smell wonderful.”
“You may have one,” he groaned, placing the biggest scone from the bunch on a napkin.
“Oh goodie,” she said with delight. “But I was supposed to go ask Mother what she wants for Christmas.” She looked up at him with big, innocent eyes. “I guess the warm scone will have to wait.”
“I will do it,” Lurch said, pulling out a chair at the table. “You enjoy.”
“You’re the best, Lurch!”
…
“Mrs. Addams?”
Morticia glanced up from the two headed sweater she was knitting, smiling softly at Lurch as he stood at the doorway of the conservatory. “Hello, Lurch, is there something you needed?”
“Wednesday wanted me to ask you something,” he said, walking further into the conservatory and expertly dodging one of Cleopatra’s vines on the floor.
“Oh?” Morticia asked, tilting her head to the side. “And what might that be?”
“She wants to know…” Lurch trailed off, bending at the waist to be closer to Morticia’s height. “What you would like for Christmas.”
“Oh, isn’t that sweet?” Morticia sighed. “You may tell Wednesday that all I want from her is a lovely, hand made card. Perhaps with a drawing inside.”
Lurch nodded his head. “Yes, Mrs. Addams.”
“Thank you very much, Lurch.”
…
Lurch walked back into the kitchen to find Wednesday had helped herself to two more scones, and her face was smeared with icing. “Your mother said she would like a handmade card with a nice drawing inside.”
“Thank you, Lurch, I’ll go tell Pugsley!” Wednesday jumped down from the chair and rushed out of the kitchen, nearly forgetting her headless doll along the way.
She rushed to the front door where she found Pugsley outside, dangling from the eaves as he took a saw to an enormous icicle. “Pugsley! Pugsley!” she shouted over the sawing. “Mother wants a hand drawn card!”
“A what?” he yelled, continuing to saw.
“A hand drawn card!”
“Oh…okay!”
A few hours later, after successfully collecting all the icicles he would need for several rounds of jousting, Pugsley headed inside to pass along the intel he learned to Mama, and also to get his piece of skunk taffy.
He found his grandmother sitting in the den in front of the fire, her feet nearly touching the flames. “Grandmama, I got the information you wanted!” he said proudly.
“Very good, Pugsley, here’s your taffy!” she pulled a green wrapped candy out of her pocket and handed it over. “Now spill.”
“Mother wants a head cart.”
“What in the blazes is a head cart?” Mama asked.
Pugsley shrugged as he unwrapped his candy. “I don’t know but that's what she said. Thanks for the taffy!”
The boy rushed off before Mama could question him further.
“Head cart?” she muttered to herself before laying back on the hard floor and promptly falling asleep.
Fester wandered in a few hours later to find Mama fast asleep and her socks completely singed off. “Mama, wake up! You’re gonna burn off your foot skin again! We couldn’t get the smell out of the house for weeks last time that happened!”
With a loud snort, Mama shot up abruptly. “Huh, what? Oh that's toasty.”
“Mama, please, can you focus?” Fester asked curtly. “Did you ask Morticia what she wanted for Christmas?”
“Oh, oh yeah, I did that hours ago,” Mama lied, lounging back on the hard ground. “She wants a… a…um… heart cup card.”
Fester stood over Mama, looking down at her incredulously. “Morticia wants a heart cup card?”
“Mhhm,” she hummed innocently, shutting her eyes. “Asked her myself. Now please back up, Fester, you’re going to ooze from that bat bite right onto my face. I’ve already had my facial for the day.”
Fester slowly backed away, not quite believing what Mama had told him. But beggars couldn’t be choosers, so he was going to relay that intel to Gomez, no matter how strange it may have sounded. He was on his way back upstairs when suddenly-
“JOUST!” Pugsley shrieked at the top of his lungs.
Before Fester could even register what was happening, Pugsley had rammed into him full speed with an icicle that was twice the size of the kid. He felt a very cold jab before hitting the marble ground hard.
It was some undetermined amount of time later that Fester woke up, cold and rather soggy from Pugsley’s sneak attack. “What was I doing…” he muttered to himself as he sat up. “Oh yeah! I was going to talk to Gomez! I had to tell him that Morticia wants…oh no.”
Fester had completely forgotten what Mama had told him.
“Hard… card…head? Carts? Harts? Farts? Eh, whatever Gomez gets, Morticia will like anyway.”
With his devil may care mindset, Fester made his way up to Gomez’s study, all the while dripping frozen droplets of water onto the floor. He burst through the door, finding Gomez crouching in his desk chair, frantically scrolling through some website that specializes in taxidermied mice.
“It's no use!” Gomez cried in agony, unaware that Fester had entered the room. “I have nothing!”
“That's where trusty, old Fester comes in!” he shouted, pride evident in his voice.
Gomez jolted, rocking in his swivel chair, nearly falling over. “Good heavens, old man. I didn’t ask for a heart attack for Christmas! Oh… but maybe I should…”
“I know what Morticia wants!” he exclaimed. “And I’m gonna tell ya!”
Gomez looked at him expectantly, waiting for Fester to elaborate. He didn’t. “Well?”
“Oh, right, she wants… um… head-”
“Head? Well…”
“No! Hat. She wants a hat. That's, hand made? With a…playing card on it,” Fester lied on the spot, desperately trying to recall elements of what he had been previously told.
Gomez stared at him blankly. “Huh?”
“Straight from her mouth!”
“Really?”
“Mmmhhmm!” Fester hummed, all the while deliberately not making eye contact. “Gotta go!” He was off in a flash before Gomez could question him further.
He really didn’t believe what Fester was telling him, but he didn’t have much of a choice. He was wiped clean of ideas and Fester had done exactly what it was he asked. “Guess I gotta go find a deck of cards…”
…
Christmas morning was in full swing in the Addams house. The children had ripped through their presents in record speed and were currently mid duel with their authentic, Tudor era swords. Fester was thoroughly enjoying his new cauldron turned hot tub, Mama and Thing were in a game of exploding chess, and Lurch was happily tinkering away at his new, miniature harpsichord, looking a lot like a grim Schroder from the Peanuts.
And it was time for Gomez to give Morticia his ‘present.’
“I think I got you exactly what you wanted this year, cara mia,” Gomez said, all the while not even remotely believing what he was saying.
“Oh?” Morticia asked, eyes alight with excitement. “I can’t wait to see!”
Hesitantly, Gomez reached underneath the sparse, dying Christmas tree and pulled out a black gift back. “Here you go, my love.”
With a sweet grin, Morticia pulled out the spider web tissue paper and reached in to pull out… a very interesting…hat?
“It's… it's very…”
“Do you like it?” Gomez asked, eyebrow raised.
Morticia was silent for a moment as she inspected the playing card adorned, cowboy style hat. She turned it around a few times before finally speaking. “You made me a card house?”
“No, darling, it's a hat!” he said happily, taking it and placing it on top of her raven hair. “It's what you wanted!”
“Well, because you made it, it is indeed what I want. Thank you, my darling,” she said, leaning in to kiss his cheek.
“What do you mean? Isn’t this what you asked for?”
Morticia shook her head, the hat nearly sliding off. She reached up to catch it and a card came loose. “I don’t believe I actually specifically asked for anything. Oh, but Lurch said Wednesday wanted to know what I wanted. That's the only time the subject was brought up.”
“That's because Pugsley told me to ask!” Wednesday yelled over the clank of her sword.
“I was only doing what Grandmama told me to do!” Pugsley retorted.
Gomez and Morticia looked pointedly at Mama with narrowed eyes.
“Don’t look at me,” Mama said defensively as her rook exploded. “This is all Fester’s fault!”
“Why would this be Fester’s fault?” Morticia interjected. “The gift is from Gomez ohhh.” She turned her withering glare on her sheepish husband. “Gomez, did you get the family to find out what I wanted for Christmas?”
“Perhaps,” he sighed.
“Which resulted in each of them delegating the task to another family member, creating a horrible game of telephone?”
“Seems like it. Cara mia, I am so sorry.”
“It's alright, darling,” she sighed, reaching out to pat his cheek. “But why didn’t you just ask me yourself?”
“I was embarrassed that I couldn’t just come up with something on my own!” Gomez admitted. “I wanted to get you the most perfect thing because I didn’t want to disappoint you and ended up with… a fashion faux pas. Oh! That's French! Too bad I said it.”
“I appreciate the gesture. But next time, when in doubt, think black,” she said with a wink. “But the best gift of all is having my family all together.”
“That sure is corny, Mother!” Pugsley said with a laugh as Wednesday whacked him with her blade.
“Be that as it may,” she said with a shake of her head. “I mean it. You’re all the best present I could ask for.”
Gomez lifted her dainty hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it. “As are you, my darling Tish.”
“Oh, Gomez,” she sighed, eyes darkening. “Why don’t you join me upstairs? I can think of one or two gifts not suitable for company.”
Gomez’s eyes lit up like Christmas bulbs. “Quickly, Tish! I’m ready to unwrap!”
Fester shook his head as the two rushed toward the staircase. “I should have just told him it would be se-”
“Not in front of the children, sir,” Lurch grumbled over the sound of his mini harpsichord. “Don’t make me get the guillotine.”
Fester shook his head. “Christmas party pooper.”
As the gentle snowfall whipped up into a blizzard outside, a few scattered playing cards flew away into the breeze. It was a perfect Christmas in the Addams house.
Happy Holidays!!!!