Chapter Text
“They’re arguing again” Andrea mentioned as he walked into Eleora’s room in search of help with homework
“That’s the third time today, the sooner Mama goes to work the better” Eleora replied
“Can you help me with this trig homework?” Andrea asked
“I don’t know how you can even attempt to concentrate with them at each other’s throats 24/7” Eleora sighed as she joined her brother on the floor to look over the problem
The twins settled into their homework to the muffled sounds of the argument going on downstairs
“Okay good, but when are you going to start fixing us?” Carina asked emotion evident in her voice
“I wasn’t aware we were broken” Maya was taken a back by the question and if she was perfectly honest she didn’t fully understand what they were arguing over
“Really?” Carina asked
“Yes really?” Maya replied
“You know, sometimes Carina it feels like you don’t even love me anymore” Maya bit out, she hadn’t meant to but either women couldn’t seem to think before they spoke
“I-“ Carina started but just huffed and walked away without giving Maya a real answer
Upstairs Emilia swung the door to Eleora’s room open in search of her siblings. She closed the door behind her and made herself comfortable on the end of her sisters bed and demanded the twins’ attention
“Moms are getting a divorce” Emilia blurted out
“HAHAHA don’t be so dramatic Meals” Andrea laughed out
“No they are I just heard them arguing” Emilia was a serious if not a bit emotional at the prospect of her family breaking up and no one taking her serious
“One argument doesn’t warrant a divorce” Eleora reasoned
“It’s not their first argument Els and you know it and moms been sleeping at the station a lot and Mama is picking up extra shifts in the ER and she hates shifts in the ER, they don’t love each other anymore” Emilia explained
“They do love each other” Andrea furrowed his brow
“No they don’t, Mom just asked Mama do you even love me and mama didn’t answer” Emilia replied
“Seriously” Eleora looked up from her homework
“Yeah” Emilia looked back with a sad expression on her face
“Oh man” Eleora sighed
The kids stopped talking when they heard Maya come up the stairs and continue her conversation with Carina. Each of the kids pressed their ears up against the door as they overheard their parents argument
“So what do you expect me to do Carina? Shall I quit my job would that make you happy?” Maya asked in a short breath, her voice was quiet it was clear both women were slowly loosing the energy to fight
“No Maya obviously not, that’s not what I mean-“. Carina replied
“Then what do you mean?”
“I just want you to put me first, like you used to. I just want to feel like us again…” Carina smiled weakly a smile the quickly fell when she realised it wasn’t reciprocated “…you know what, I’m done arguing about this. I’m going to work”
“Oh so I work too much but you’re walking away from an argument to hide at work.” Maya mumbled “…We decided never stop and argument with sex and never walk away. You’re walking away Carina” the blonde called after the Italian as she followed her down the stairs
“Except I don’t care any more Maya. I don’t have the energy” Carina replied turning to see her wife had followed her
“Energy for what? For our marriage” Maya asked her brows furrowed tightly as tears pricked at her eyes
“We’ll talk later” Carina replied honestly not sure whether she meant the current argument or the marriage
Maya spent the rest of her day off tidying the house, doing anything to forget the argument she’d had with her wife. And attempt to relive all the good times to convince herself that there was still something to fight for
Carina had returned around 7pm and went straight to the kitchen to finish off dinner. Maya had cut and prepared the vegetables it was just to Carina to cook them all off and assemble their meal
“Eleora if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a hundred times move your shoes and backpack out of the hallway” Maya shouted as she tripped over one of her daughters shoes on the way to the kitchen
“On it” Eleora called back cheerily not picking up on the tension in the other room
“I shouldn’t have to ask more than once” Maya growled out in anger
“Maya calm down” Carina sighed sensing an outburst was on the horizon
“No I won’t calm down. No one ever listens to me in this house” Maya replied her voice louder than she’d intended summoning her daughter to the kitchen
“Maybe if you actually spent some time here with your family you’d command some more respect” Carina returned in bitter
“Seriously” Maya looked up to meet her wife’s gaze where at one time she’d find a playful grin but right now it was pure anger
“Si, seriously. You spend all your time at the office, ever since your promotion” Carina started
“You know I have to work extra hard to prove myself-“
“I could cope if you were spending more time at work and actually helping people. I’d hate it I’d be anxious constantly and I wouldn’t know if you were sat in the beanery or under a pile of rubble. But I’d be able to cope Maya I’d get through it because I’d understand that you’re doing your job, what you love, helping people-“ Carina threw her hands in the air as her voice rose
“I am still doing my job” Maya bit back loudly
“Expect now you’re pushing paper work. You’d rather spend your time in an office filling out forms and reports than here with your family… with me” Carinas voice trailed off at the end so the last two words were barely audible
“…you knew that the promotion came with more paper work, you knew that when you met me, when you married me, and you knew that was the reason I didn’t want kids” Maya cut her off
“You don’t want us?” Eleora stood in the doorway devastated by her mothers words
“Eleora that’s not what I meant” Maya softened her tone
“No but it’s what you said” Eleora pressed not letting the anger leave her. The look on Eleora’s face scared Carina slightly as it was an almost carbon copy of her wife’s
“Look, Els it was a different time, I was a different person” Maya attempted to reason but her daughter cut her off
“So you changed who you were to please mama and now you blame her for it? It’s Mamas fault it took you longer to become Battalion Chief because you had to put your entire life on hold for the inconvenience that are your children” Eleora shouted bacK
“No, stop don’t do that, don’t twist my words like that” Maya spoke the anger quickly returning to her voice
“I’m not twisting any words you just said you didn’t want us” Eleora replied “…maybe you are like your dad” the younger blonde whispered under her breathe
“You don’t know what your talking about” Maya shouted so loud Carina was certain the argument could be heard from the street
“Do I not? Because you always said he was unhinged and he never cared for you or spent time with you. You don’t spend time with me anymore Mom” Eleora whimpered her upset not evident enough as Maya continued to yell
“Eleora please” it was a plea from one blonde to another but one fuelled by anger and desperation
“stop shouting at me you’re going to scare the baby” Eleora shouted throwing her hands through her hair as she took a step away from Maya
“Cosa bambino?” Carina asked a scared and confused look spilling across her face
“What baby Eleora” Maya growled through gritted teeth as she met with silence
“Eleora” Maya shouted taking a step towards her daughter making Eleora flinch an action that didn’t go unnoticed
“Me! It’s me I’m the baby, you’re scaring me Mom” Eleora cried back
“I didn’t mean to scare you, it’s just-“ Maya started sadly starting to recognise the true effect her words and actions were having on her children
“It’s just that you’re upset I know but you don’t need to shout and you don’t need to take out all your anger on Mama or on us, it’s not fair” Eleora bit back
“You’re right, it’s not, I’m sorry” Maya took another step closer to her daughter in an attempt to offer her a hug but Eleora took another step towards Carina almost seeking refuge in her other mother. Maya noticed the movement and couldn’t help the pang she felt in her chest as if her heart was breaking
“If you’re just going to argue all the time then why not just quit whilst your ahead, take the good years as a win and get a divorce” the younger blonde spoke tears clearly being held back
“Is that what you think? You think your mom and I should get a divorce” Carina turned to face her daughter a little shell shocked by the suggestion
“Anything would be better than the constant screaming matches” Eleora whispered as she let a tear trickle down her face
“Bambina-“ Carina tried to hug her daughter but she ran away before she could. The two women watched as Eleora shot off up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door behind her
“Maybe it would be best to just walk away… I love you Carina but I can’t do this anymore. And I can’t take breaking my children’s hearts” Maya admitted after the silence became too much
“What and a divorce wouldn’t break their hearts?” Carina asked incredulously with anger in her tone
“No it would, it really would and it’d break mine too” Maya started to let the tears fall as her voice broke
“…but right now I can’t see a way past this. You blame me, and you hate me and you can barely handle 5 minutes in a room with me. I love you Carina so so much but I can’t” Maya cried
“Maya” Carina sighed sadly her own tears now starting to fall
“What we have, when it’s good it’s Ah! It’s so good I don’t even think there’s a word for it, but this, what we’re doing now. It’s not healthy…” Maya took a step closer to Carina expecting her to step away but she didn’t “…we’re hurting our children, and we’re hurting each other, and it isn’t fair…” Mayas words were interrupted by her own choked tears “…you promised me you’d cut and run if I ever started to turn into my dad. Nows the time Carina” Maya cried freely
“I love you, and I don’t know if I can live without you… but I’ll learn to, for our children happiness and safety” Maya brought her hand up to cup Carina’s face “…I will teach myself how to, I don’t want to, but I’ll teach myself how to” she lent forward and placed a welcomed kiss on her wife’s forehead before she walked out of the kitchen and out of the house.
“I love you Maya” Carina whispered to herself as Maya left. She didn’t want her to leave but knew that in the moment she had to let her go
The blonde sat in her car in silence for a few minutes letting the tears fall, she could feel her wife’s eyes on her from the kitchen window before she turned the key in the ignition and drove away.
As soon as the brunette watched the car drive out of sight she felt herself slide to the floor as she let her own tears form puddles on the floor where she now curled up
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“So?” Andrea opened his sisters door overhearing the loud voice. It not quite being able to make out the words
“So Mom didn’t want us” Eleora replied sharply as she sat in the middle of her bed, her knees pulled up to her chest where her chin rested
“What?” Andrea asked
“Mom never wanted kids, it wasn’t in her life’s plan” Eleora sighed
“But we exist” Andrea smiled “…so she changed her mind”
“Yeah because of Mama” Eleora whispered
“So?” Andrea was confused by why it was an issue “…Eleora we wouldn’t exist in a reality where Mama and Mom didn’t meet you do understand that right? So what if there was a time where mom didn’t want kids, there was probably a time where mama didn’t either”
“If they get a divorce do you think mama will go back to Italia?” Eleora changed the subject sensing that her brother was about to be too logical and she was too focused on being emotional “…If she does I’m going with her. I’m not staying in the same country as someone who wishes I didn’t exist”
“That’s not what she said Eleora” Andrea bit back in defence of Maya
“You weren’t there” Eleora raised her voice
“I have ears! You weren’t exactly speaking in hushed tones” Andrea argued back equally as loud “…You know what you and mom you’re the same person.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Eleora bit back
“You don’t just look a like, you talk a like, you have the same short temper and the same anger!” Andrea huffed “you’re stubborn and bull headed and you always have to be right and you do the same thing that mom does when things aren’t going according to plan you get all stiff and grumpy” Eleora listened to her brothers words has her face contorted into the what has been dubbed ‘The Maya Bishop’
“And that!” Andrea pointed at her “…proves my point ‘The Maya Bishop’ you’re the same person Eleora that’s why your arguments are always so dramatic” Andrea added
“Whatever Andrea” Eleora replied in anger
“Yeah, whatever” Andrea replied and walked out his sisters room slamming the door behind him leaving Eleora to dry her own tears in the comfort of her bedroom.
*******************************************************
Mayas feet pound on the treadmill moving faster and faster as she tried to run from the feelings the argument stirred up with her wife
“You’re running” Andy commented as she walked into the station gym
“Well done, you have eyes” Maya bit back cranking up the incline
“What’s wrong” Andy asked taking a seat on the bench press
“Why must something be wrong?” Maya replied
“Because I asked Reece on the desk what time you got here and he said you’ve been running for the last 2 hours and our shift doesn’t start for another 30 minutes”
“So what? I can’t get to work early”
“You haven’t got to work this early since before Carina” Andy mentioned
“Well then maybe we’re entering our post-Carina phase. All good things come to an end right” Maya sighed back slowing her pace to a walk
“Maya?” Andy wanted an explanation but picked up on her friends tone knowing she probably isn’t going to talk about it
“Look Andy I don’t want to talk about it right now. I just want to finish my run” Maya answered
“Okay, I’ll be in my office if you need me” Andy replied as she stood up
“Wait Andy” Maya stopped her before she left
“Yeah”
“Can you put me on air car” Maya asked
“Batt Chief doesn’t ride aid car?” Andy retorted
“Please” Maya added a smile to her plea
Andy agreed to Mayas request and soon enough a call came in for the aid car, Maya joined Travis in the cab as they made their way to their vic.
*******************************************************
“Dr DeLuca, Sarah Conway is in the ER she refuses to be seen by any other OB” Jo spoke when she saw the page come in
“I’m on my way” Carina smiled in reply
The whole way down to the ER Carina replayed every single word Maya had said. She thought about how hard it would be to say goodbye to her wife but she also knew that what Maya had said about them hurting eachother and their children were right. That being said the Italian couldn’t shake the unconditional love she had for the blonde and a life without her didn’t seem worth it
Carina rounded the corner to the ER and instantly made her way to the bay her patient was in. She had followed Sarah through 4 pregnancies, none of them making it past the 23rd week. Sarah had lost her husband to a car accident 3 weeks prior so Carina was prepared to do everything she could to make sure this baby was carried to term
“Sarah, hi, shall we have a look at the bambino” Carina smiled as she pulled back the curtain and rolled in the ultrasound machine
“I think somethings wrong” Sarah panicked
“Let’s save the worrying for now and focus on the screen” Carina smiled back as she squirted the jelly on Sarah abdomen
It took a moment but Carina found a strong heartbeat, however all wasn’t what it seemed. It hurt the Italian more than it should to deliver the news but it had to be done
“There’s something wrong isn’t there” Sarah picked up on the drop of smile and the sudden silence that fell over the OB
“Sarah I’m so sorry-“ Carina started
“I’ve had another miscarriage” Sarah finished
“No, not yet” Carina replied trying to finish her sentence
“Not yet” Sarah questioned
“You have a placental bleed, I need to operate but the baby isn’t likely to make it through surgery” Carina explained
“Then I don’t want the surgery” Sarah protested
“Without the surgery Sarah you’ll bleed out”
“So it’s me or the baby” Sarah asked as the realisation hit
“Si, I’m sorry” Carina replied with a solemn look
“Will the baby survive outside the womb if you did deliver?”
“They might, you’re 25 weeks that’s a lot of time in the nicu and all kinds of complications” Carina was honest even if it pulled at her heart strings
“This is was all I had left of him” Sarah began to sob
“That’s not true, you still have your memories” Carina reasoned
“But the baby, that was part of him. 50% me, 50% Alan now Alan’s gone and so is the baby”
“Sarah I need to get you to surgery now” Carina replied noticing Sarah’s heart rate increase
“Okay” Sarah replied sadly as she lay back on the trolly
The surgery started easily, it was routine for Carina as she followed through the motions. The doctor couldn’t work out if it was the argument she’d had with Maya or the fact that this was the fifth time she’d had to perform this kind of surgery on Sarah but the Italian couldn’t seem to stop her eyes from glazing over.
Carina successfully delivered the foetus before moving onto the hysterectomy, she had removed the uterus when Sarah began to bleed profusely, deep down Carina knew how this surgery was going to end but she couldn’t bare to admit it
“Dr DeLuca she’s bleeding out” the OR nurse assisting informed her
“You think I can’t see that, hang another unit and keep your obvious comments to your self” Carina bit back desperate to save the life
“We’re maxed out on blood Dr DeLuca she’s loosing it faster than we can get it in her” the anaesthetist informed
“Dr DeLuca I think it’s time” Nurse Lloyd informed
“No it can’t be” Carina replied
“Carina” Nurse Lloyd tried again
“No, keep going”
“She’s a-systolic, Dr DeLuca it’s time”
“I can’t loose her, she’s already lost so much” Carina said holding back the tears in her eyes
“Carina” the nurse tried again
“Lo so” Carina sighed heavily pulling her hands away from Sarah’s abdomen “…Time of death 16:53”
“Mannaggia!” Carina kicked away the supply trolly and stormed out of the OR
“How did it go?” Wilson asked from the nurses station
“She’s dead” Carina shouted as she blew past the nurses station into her office
The Italian let her emotions get the better of her, it started by knocking some files on the floor, then she kicked a filing cabinet over, next was a chair. Carina was hyper aware of her surroundings I realised everyone was watching her. She slammed the door to her office and made off down a quiet hallway.
It didn’t take long for her breakdown to become the talk of the hospital, no one knew how to help her or calm her down so instead they left her. Carina sank to the floor of hallway, barked at anyone who tried to offer an comforting touch as her body shook with sobs
*****************************************************
Maya swung the doors open to the aid car to be greeted by Bailey, quickly rallying off the stats of the patient the doctors and paramedics moved the victims into the ER
“Bishop what do we have?” Bailey asked, the fact the newly appointed Battalion Chief had ridden on the aid car didn’t go unnoticed
“John Stones, 45 year old male suspected heart attack post exercise. Wife came home to find him on the floor next to the peloton bike”
“Trauma 2 is free Dr Bailey” Schmitt motioned
“Trauma 2 it is, thank you Bishop, Montgomery” Bailey smiled “…oh and congrats on the promotion”
“Yeah thanks” Maya thanked although she couldn’t stop the pang in her chest as she was reminded of the one think that was currently tearing her family apart
Maya stood at the ER desk filling out the paper work need to completely hand over the patient when two interns made their conversation a little too loud. Maya hadn’t been paying attention until she heard her wife’s name
“Did you hear about Dr DeLuca?” one for the interns asked
“Yeah, apparently it’s happened before”
“What?” The other interns mouth fell open
“Yeah something about a human trafficking case, they went a little crazy and for suspended” the doctor mentioned
“That wasn’t Dr DeLuca, well it was but it wasn’t the OB that was a different DeLuca” one for the nurses behind the desk corrected, none of them aware that the firefighter stood at the desk was the doctor wife
“Oh”
“Yeah no I think that was her brother though” the nurse commented before she left
“I thought her brother died” the intern added
“Well clearly it happened before he died”
“Maybe crazy runs in the family, doesn’t she have kids, poor things are probably going to need a grippy sock vacation” the interns laughed
“Did you say DeLuca?” Maya asked feeling the rage inside her rise as she heard the interns talk about her wife and children
“Yes Ma’am”
“What happened?” Maya asked
“…errr do you know-“ one intern wanted to ask how Maya knew her but the other intern answered first
“Apparently she lost her patient and went a little crazy, got angry threw text books and medical supplies the whole ‘hulk angry, hulk mad, hulk destroy” the intern laughed his face quickly falling when he saw the look of rage of the Battalion Chiefs face
“Do you know Dr DeLuca?”
“Yeah, I know her, where can I find her?” Maya asked
“OB ward apparently she’s coiled up in an empty corridor no one dares to speak to her and all her Italian rage. How do you know- and she’s gone” the intern replied scared of Mayas reaction but instead the blonde ran off to the stairs in search of her wife
“Hey you’re a firefighter? You came in with the blondie who just shot off” the intern turned to Travis
“Blondie? Oh Battalion Chief Bishop yeah, why?” Travis replied
“How does she know Dr DeLuca?”
“Carina?” Travis confirmed
“Yeah”
“Carina’s her wife” Travis answered
“Ooooh you’re in so much trouble. You’ve just called her wife crazy” one intern turned to the other
“Who’s crazy Carina?” Travis asked
“Yeah she had a breakdown”
“The poor angel” Travis gripped at his heart it was no secret to A shift that Maya and Carina were going through a rough patch
“You also said her kids will need a grippy sock vacation” the other intern added
“Oh you’re in trouble, Chief Bailey will definitely hear about that” Travis commented as he walked away shooting Maya a text telling her to take the rest of the shift as he’d take the aidcar back and talk to Andy
******************************************************
Maya followed the direction from the nurses at the OB station and rounded the corner to an empty hallway to find her wife curled up in a ball clearly in tears
“Carina” Maya spoke catching her wife’s attention
“What are you doing here, I thought you left me. You hate me” Carina looked up to see her wife walking towards her still in her turnouts
“What? I don’t hate you Carina. I love you” Maya replied as she dropped to the floor opposite her
“Cosa?” Carina was confused by the statement she was sure her marriage was over
“I said I love you Carina, always have always will! We need to talk of course we do but I don’t hate you, I could never hate you” Maya smiled back keeping her distance respecting the space Carina had put between them
“I said some horrible things” Carina choked out
“We’ve both said some horrible things babe” Maya replied feeling the tears resurface seeing how broke her wife looked
“You’d be better without me” Carina whispered pulling her knees to her chest
“We both know that’s not true” Maya reached forward to place a comforting hand on Carinas arm
“Eleora was right us together we’re just breaking their hearts” Carina replied still refusing to meet Mayas gaze
“Eleora’s just a kid, she doesn’t know about half the stuff we’ve made it through” Maya answered
“I’ll just go crazy… like my papa, like my brother” Carina spoke finally looking up but still not holding Mayas gaze instead fixating on where Mayas hand was
“And I’ll be here for you if you do”
“Maya”
“Carina” Maya matched her wife’s tone, she hadn’t meant to but it was her instant reaction to the tone Carina had taken
“Don’t do that, don’t make me smile. You hate me” Carina replied finding comfort in something that seemed to come natural to Maya
“I don’t hate, please believe me. I love you, I love you more than anything in this world. It’s you Carina, it’s always you. You’re the only one I will ever want. You are the only one I’ve ever wanted. I belong with you. You’re my home. I look at you and I see a lifetime of love and happiness. I saw it all those years ago when I first looked into your eyes in the bar. I got lost in your warm brown eyes and the next 50 years flashed before me, I could see myself sitting on a porch swing of a house in the middle of nowhere and we’re together…
Maya brought her hand to Carinas cheek and shuffled closer so she almost trapped Carina against the wall with her legs
“…Except it’s better, because it’s me and it’s you and it’s our three amazing children. There’s so much in my life I could never have done if it wasn’t for you”
Maya smiled through her tears lifting Carinas face to look at her
“…I need you. You’re the only thing that matters. You’re my home. I know I haven’t done my best to prove that to you these last few weeks or months. But it’s you Carina, you’re who I choose first, always and forever. Please don’t leave me, don’t give up on us over some argument, over a hypothetical. I love you and I need you, I choose you Carina, I’ll always choose you. Come home with me Carina please”
Maya rested their foreheads together feeling as Carinas hand came to rest on her cheek
“…We can get past this, I know I said we couldn’t. I lied, it won’t be easy but we can do it! We’ve already got through so much worse” Maya pulled their heads apart to hold each others gaze
“Maya” Carina reached her hand out to Maya “…Ti amo Maya, could you hold me please”
Maya smiled and pulled Carina tight “…I love you so much Carina” Maya whispered in her wife’s ear as she felt Carinas grip desperately tighten around her neck and shoulders as she almost crawled into her lap feeling a sudden urge to be as close to the blonde as possible
“take me home please” Carina whispered. Maya smiled as she stood up and offered her hands to Carina. The blonde quickly swept Carina up as the Italian hooked her hands around the back of Mayas neck and allowed herself to be carried and cared for