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illumi’s father sat him down one day in an unusual exhibit of attentiveness. after killua had been born, illumi had entered silva’s room a total of three times, and none of those visits had been pleasant. he was guessing today would be no different, as silva’s expression was stormy and his arms crossed.
“son, your mother and i have talked and we both agreed it may be time to impart some knowledge (a phrase illumi knew was equivalent to giving him a warning) we’ve gained from our parents to you.”
illumi blinked in affirment.
“you know things with your mother took a while to work themselves out— and we still clash.”
illumi did not know where this was going.
“your grandfather once told me during that period of turmoil relationships end in one of two ways: either you go your separate paths or one of you dies” he paused presumably to let that sink in. “you can’t escape that fate, so he asked me to consider which of those options i wanted with kikyo. i thought on it and for better or for worse, i decided i wanted to pursue the latter.”
illumi was still lost.
he could tell silva was studying his reactions and in turn could tell when he realized the blank expression on illumi’s face was not a mask.
he sighed and continued, “you are not the hier illumi, but we still expect you to find,” he paused again to find the right word, “a suitable life companion, if you are inclined. we ask you use the sense we instilled in you and that you make the right choice.”
illumi thought on those words. did father expect him to marry soon? nothing had changed in the past couple of weeks: he completed a couple of jobs, took kalluto on a training mission, and trailed killua for a few hours each day. all completely normal.
“i apologize, but i do not know of any suitable partners. will i be having an arranged marriage?”
silva’s permanent frown deepened.
“you don’t have to lie to me son, this is why we are having this conversation.”
“i don’t know what you’re proposing? i am not lying.”
trained in body language as illumi is, he watched silva’s eyes rake down his front scathingly.
illumi’s eyes followed but the only clothing he had on was his relatively new crop top and high waisted pants— his favorite new job outfit.
“do you think my attire is inappropriate?” illumi cocked his head slightly. he didn’t think father had such qualms based on how the majority of the family dressed.
silva sighed and dropped his head into his hands.
“illumi where did you get that outfit.”
“from a mall in yorknew when i was preparing for a job.”
“and who inspired you to get that outfit?”
“i saw the style and colors in a magazine.”
illumi also had a natural inclination towards purple.
silva was growing increasingly frustrated, something illumi didn’t see very often.
“ and who was with you when you went shopping?” was silva gritting his teeth?
“only hiso—“ and illumi finally understood.
“—oh.”
father muttered some sort of prayer under his breath.
for the first time in a while, illumi’s thoughts did that thing where they jumbled up and tangled together to the point where he could no longer decipher them.
he managed to remove one thread and voice it.
“i am not in a romantic relationship with hisoka.”
silva did not seem convinced. his pets in the corner did not either.
“i am not in a sexual relationship with him eit—“
“i’ve— i understand illumi.” the turn in the conversation seemed to have him in physical pain.
“the point still stands. please remember this advice for… later.”
silva cleared his throat in a low grumble.
“yes father. i will take my leave now.”
“goodnight illumi,” he said on his way out.
walking back down the corridor, illumi contemplated.
hisoka? partner? perhaps in a fight, though he’s sure both of them would rather be fighting each other.
his physique was optimal. his personality grating. his skills mildly impressive.
all combined to not score very high on his life-long partner checklist. he wasn’t completely sure if anyone would ever fit all of those criteria, though. marrying was quite a low priority as opposed to everything else going on in his life.
if he had to guess he would never marry. and least of all to—
……………
—hisoka’s pen flew across the top of the page in a ludicrous series of pen strokes that were way too complicated for a signature in illumi’s opinion.
“are you done yet.” illumi held out his hand impatiently.
“yes, yes darling ,” hisoka drawled, obviously betting for a reaction out of illumi.
he did not give him one, but for whatever reason hisoka was still very much amused. a pleased grin split across his face as he handed over the paper and pen.
PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT
he liked to pretend like he has no sense of pride but the fact that father somehow was right about this irked something deep inside of him.
him and hisoka had been through a lot more in the past couple years: passing the hunter exam, a joint assassination job, a brief friends with benefits period, attempting to capture alluka, a very public and physical break up fight, another friends with benefits period… they had their ups and downs, you could say.
hisoka had approached him one day, trying to convince him to “talk about their relationship”. illumi had adamantly refused and hisoka had chased him through 3 different countries before finally finding him, fighting him, and (it pains him to admit it) pining him to the floor of some broken down shack.
“illu let’s get married”
illumi could not respond as hisoka’s elbow was digging into his trachea but his eyes answered for him.
hisoka pressed down harder.
“it would be mutually beneficial! i personally think you’re very hot and i love fighting you, as you know,” he ground down his hips on illumi’s for emphasis, “and for you… ah, i’m not quite sure what you’re looking for at the moment but i’m sure i can be whatever you want me to be”
the pressure finally loosened as he shifted his focus to running his long nails through the ends of illumi’s hair with his free hand. before he went to even gasp in a breath, illumi was flipping them over, palm in a tight grip around hisoka’s neck.
a poor choice (as he should’ve known. why does hisoka make him lose his wits so easily?); hisoka’s amused expression immediately started shifting into an aroused one. illumi crushed the palm of his other hand into his grin to get rid of it.
“i don’t want you to be anything to me.”
hisoka’s thin eyebrows raised in a silent question.
and suddenly that fiasco of a conversation came rushing back to illumi. hisoka interested him, yes. he kept things interesting and was a reliable business partner surprisingly, so going their separate ways was not a beneficial option. but staying together until one of them was dead was not appealing at all. it was… boring and conventional and would probably get in the way of his family and job.
and yet those were the only two options.
were they?
“i’m allowing you to speak for the purpose of figuring this out together, not for you to be lewd.” illumi removed his hand and pretended not to feel hisoka harden even more against his thigh.
“whatever you say, darl—,” he stopped, tongue almost curled around the L, as illumi held a sharp needle against his forehead.
“fine, fine. what is it?” a bored frown took the place of his signature grin. it made illumi smug for some reason.
“i don’t want to break up,” he started but hisoka jumped in before he could continue.
“so we are dating! machi is going to owe me a pretty sum—“
“shut up,” as much as he wanted to hear what exactly hisoka had been betting on, this was more important. “but i don’t want to be… married.”
hisoka raised an eyebrow at that but stayed silent.
“i don’t want it to interfere with my job and i don’t want father to be right about this.”
there was no way hisoka could’ve known what silva had talked with him about but he nodded understandingly. he chose to ignore the excited glint forming in his eyes.
“double homicide”
illumi blinked.
“what”
“it’s not like we haven’t committed murders or orchestrated suicides before— it’s a perfect solution!”
“so you’re saying…”
“we both evade for as long as possible and then try and kill each other!“
“i see… though suicide is a cowardly way to die”
illumi had set up an uncountable amount of suicides for his targets in the past and they were always for very unsavory people.
“this isn’t suicide and you wouldn’t want to live in a world without me anyw—“
to the normal eye, illumi hadn’t moved an inch before hisoka’s head cracked back against the pavement and blood started pooling from his nose.
and in the next moment illumi was kissing him, blood and all.
it was soft considering the circumstances, and through the metallic redness hisoka tasted of bubblegum.
just as hisoka went to bite his lower lip, he pulled back, wiping the blood smeared across his mouth with the back of his hand and flipping his hair back over his shoulder.
“i’ll do it.”
hisoka broke out into a smile and winked.
“ok dear, let’s make the prenup that you have to kill me and pretend it’s a job— don’t want your parents knowing, well actually that might be quite interesting, but! for the sake of appearances i’ll pay you.”
illumi nodded, “i understand.”
“great!” he shifted under him a bit. “now will you let me up or are you planning to do something about—“
and suddenly hisoka was knocked out on the ground. oh no.
later they would finish the document and split to begin the hunt but for now illumi allowed himself to sit in the corner of the small cave and stare at hisoka’s unmoving body and think.
this was what he wanted, right?
family had always been illumi’s focus and this would be throwing it all away.
would it?
how long would the marriage even last before he killed hisoka? did he want it to be long?
it seemed every decision he made in relation to hisoka was on impulse, a reaction he thought had been beat, poisoned, and smothered out of him.
as from the previous conversation, he absolutely would not be talking it out with hisoka any time soon, either.
he sighed and got up. at the very least he had found an adequate answer to the unusual feeling of constriction he felt in relation with marriage.
simple murder was always a surprisingly easy answer to seemingly hard problems.
——
to my dearest fiancé,
i am heading aboard a ship named the black whale (very hard to miss it) after some extenuating circumstances. i believe our prenup will come in handy for the both of us in the near future. catch me if you can <3
P.S. don’t forget to bring chrollo (preferably when we meet again in person too, maybe before you kill me we can take a little overnight break—
—and the paper was in shreds. maybe it had spontaneously tore itself apart, illumi had absolutely no clue. no matter, though, because he was already steps in front of hisoka than apparently he thought he was.
he scattered the pieces into the bright blue ocean, uninterrupted for miles except for the large whale-shaped ship looming in the horizon. kalluto stood next to him, trying hard to cover up the fact that he had been trying to inconspicuously read over illumi’s shoulder as he had sat on the pier.
a few things had bothered him about the letter, despite the obvious. hisoka had said ‘before you kill me’, like they hadn’t agreed to attempt to murder each other. he also seemed the slightest bit out of character— not as arrogant or sneering, as if he had given up on something.
it was peculiar and illumi didn’t like it.
“can we get on now, brother?” kalluto shook him out of his thoughts.
he was right in asking, there was a steadily forming mob of people and illumi was suddenly itching to start the job.
“yes, let’s go”
and they were off.