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“You know Akutagawa-kun, I don’t think I can ever truly apologise. I won’t be sure if I’m sorry, it won’t be worth it. But if you really want me to say it, I will. And if you really want me to approve of you, I will do that too,”
Akutagawa didn’t think he’d find his mentor here in Yokohama bridge. And he definitely didn’t think he’d be hearing anything he’s hearing, in the way the guy is saying it. Then again, everything about his former senior is still a mystery to him.
He was simply crossing a bridge when the voice startled him and caused him to look to his right. Standing there facing the sun drowning river, Dazai Osamu looked as though he was talking to the wind. For a second Akutagawa thought he must be.
“But you’re making me so confused here. Exactly what am I supposed to approve of? It doesn’t exactly make sense. Not to me. You’re strong, and you do know it. I’ve made sure you do. Then what else? You have figured it out yourself haven’t you,”
Dazai turns to him, his smile suddenly disappearing,
“that you don’t need my approval at all?”
And he thinks, maybe he really already knew that. The realisation came to him once Bram Stoker’s horrifying ability was nullified. Maybe after living as something so non human subtly let him know how human he was. And how weak humans were.
His ex mentor, his rival, those at the agency, his subordinates, everyone in the mafia, and everyone in this city, are all just weak humans. They are born their weakest and become the same again at death. That’s supposedly why they’re all trying to fight this hard, while they can. So who was he trying to prove his strength to? What exactly is strength anyway?
It didn’t matter. For now he’ll just avoid it, he’ll work till he forgets everything about that.
Still, one question kept lingering on his mind. What approval he needs. He kept wondering what words he wanted to hear. If he could just say those to himself. He couldn’t find an answer to any of that. All he knew was he needed to hear those, especially everytime he thought back to the events of that night.
“But if you want to know if I approve of you falling in love, I definitely do, more so if it’s Lucy.”
Akutagawa hasn’t said a thing since he found himself involved in this conversation. From his part, he wasn’t being very indulgent.
“See it’s not because you want me to say it. If anything I’m just meddling in your business. It’s just that, she really likes you too, and I saw you smiling at her the other day and you know what I thought?” He continues, “That I really did fail as a mentor, if you’re not together with her already.”
Oh.
“So, what do you think?”
Maybe.
Maybe, maybe, just maybe.
“Are you worthy of loving her?”
Maybe he was. Maybe all he needed was a push.
And part of it, had to come from himself. And that had to be the biggest part. He thinks he indeed loves her. And that’s all the worth he needs to do so.
.
“Hey.”
Akutagawa turned back without giving any verbal response but a curious expression.
“Uhm do you..” the red haired girl twitched in his sight, “do you remember me?”
Ever since he woke up, his memory of the past few days have been blurry. He remembers coming across a horrifying ability, he remembers hurting a lot of his subordinates, staying inside a dark room for days and then, then he remembers a red, impressive room. Too bright, too full of colour.
“I do.”
He thinks he does. He remembers a girl sitting beside him and pouting,
“What’re you looking at me like that for?” The vampire grunts. Unable to speak, just yet.
“Awwh, it breaks my heart just to think how I could be out there kicking some asses! But oh, I’ve to sit here and babysit a fully grown man.”
The exaggerated expressions in her face change from somewhat gloomy to excited to extremely gloomy. As if sitting here with him was the worst thing that could happen. “You’re lucky that the agency needs you.”
The red-head cuts his flashbacks short and continues excited, “Really!!?? Oh, aaah. I mean, I don’t fully believe you, what’s my name?”
And the previously-vampire boy has to storm his brain a little before answering,
”You're so quiet, can vampires not speak? In the books I read they could. Well, it’s not too bad, like this, you’re almost like my pet or something. I don’t mind it much anymore.”
Did she ever tell him?
”I just realised we talked for a whole day and you still don’t know my name.” She sits quietly for a minute, the vampire supposed she’s deciding whether to tell him or not, “I’ll just let you find out later. I’m not very proud of it. I’d like to be called ‘Cordelia’ though, it’s a lot more graceful.”
Rynnosuke thought Cordelia wasn’t as graceful as… what was it?
“Uhm it’s,” he tries, she seems too eager.
A fit of loud screams pull them back from the conversation. Few weak men with weaker abilities show up and it’s not hard for him to take them down. But there’s just so many, it kind of gets in the way of his thoughts.
It doesn’t help that he’s thinking so hard about what her name could be. For some reasons he doesn’t want to disappoint her.
“Look at my doll. Isn’t she so cute? Her name is Anne. I thought you should meet her since you might be leaving soon.”
Another kill and there’s just five men left in front of him. How troublesome. Did she ever tell him what her name was?
He strikes them all down at once. There’s a gasp behind him. Maybe the girl hadn’t realised his strength yet. He turns back.
“It’s..”
The redhead is looking at him with great expectations and it seems with every second that passes, she’s falling further from a height just so great. If only he could remember, he could catch her with his words.
She nudges her head just slightly, mouthing something, looking as though him remembering her name would be the greatest honour. The mafia executive is now being held captive to a girl’s expectations, he can’t at any cost let her down.
So what was it..?
“It’s Lucy.”
“And I’m Lucy.”
And after that everything is blank after that. Maybe she knew it’d be. Maybe she didn’t want him to be gone without knowing her name.
“..isn’t it?”
“Yes.” She tilts her head to the side, smiling. Then suddenly gains composure to herself “Good luck with your fight, and uhm, don’t die without seeing me again, okay?”
She runs away.
.
They have met often since then. Working with the Agency somehow included working with her. He wondered if she was a part of the Agency too. And if she wasn’t, why was she helping them?
She tells him it’s because they’re her friends. He thinks she must really love them. Then he wonders about what else she loved … birches, violets, tea parties, he lists in his head. Then he groans. At one point it becomes his night time schedule.
Even thinking back now and then, Ryunnosuke feels a little embarrassed every time. That should’ve been the last thing on his mind when the whole city was in chaos!
But in reality it was the first. Every time he met up with the agency members, his eyes looked for one non-member. Every time that he saw red outside the battlefield, he thought of her. And it happened every so often that he gave up on not thinking about her, not associating her with the colour that only now took his interest in particular.
When all things come to it’s merry end, the Mafia Leader Mori Ougai and the Chief Executive Kouyou Ozaki receive a formal invitation to join the Armed Detective Agency in celebration. Akutagawa is asked to accompany them as a Mafia Executive.
His eyes beam with eagerness. Such an unusual sight, as the Golden Demon user remarks.
He searches for a certain waitress in the cafe when they enter, subconsciously, and is let down. She must be upstairs celebrating, maybe he’ll see her, he hopes.
But his hopes are all proved to be false.
Akutagawa looks all over the room. It seems his mentor isn’t there yet — or probably has left already. He looks at his own ex-mentee who seems to be so happy at their win, especially at the good health of her new seniors. The rival that he had lost both of them to, the weretiger is talking jubilantly with the doctor, the detective and the blonde boy.
On the other side of the room is Tanizaki Junichirou with the doppo poet scolding him and his relieved sister wrapped around his hands. It reminds him of his own sister. The mafioso wonders how Gin would react when they would finally meet again. What she’d say if he tells her about his new friend.
He takes a long breath and walks out. The city looks so beautiful at night. He doesn’t want this beauty to ever fade. He worries something is wrong with him lately.
“Akutagawa-kun!” A voice calls “Uhh, I wanted to say, I.. I’m glad you’re okay.”
Lucy smiles and her smile is automatically replied with another just as gentle one. The two share a long glance at each other before the redhead pulls him into somewhere more red.
Anne’s room.
The hazy memories that he remembered so vaguely had been screaming at him to return. But it was ever so hard to request the owner to invite him in again. He’s so happy that she did anyway, without him saying a word. But he’s also confused and her next words only confuse him more.
“Akutagawa-kun, I– I’m sorry for saying being here with you was bad. I didn’t really feel up for it at first but I,” she stops and looks back up at him “I had the time of my life here with you.”
“The last few days, they were so terrifying but I was so glad to have you with me. You, the agency members, Miss Louisa from the guild — all of you have been so kind to me. I don’t know if I deserve any of it. I’d do anything to prove myself worthy. And now that it’s over, the chaos is gone, everything will just fall back into place like they were, won’t they?”
She stopped for a second, hoping he’d assure her that they wouldn't. Then started again,
“I should be happy with that but I’m not. I can’t go there and celebrate with them, it’d be false of me. And I shall not be false to them. But how do I tell them how I despise this victory because it means I’ll have to choose between my friends?”
And then she finishes “I love them dearly but, Akutagawa kun, I- I don’t want to lose you.”
The colour of her face changes, as if she just realised what she had said. The ability was nulled, the view was back to the countless lights of the city night. She whispers a short apology and runs away. Akutagawa stands there, silent before long enough to go home.
It was like those vampire days, where she spoke only and he listened.
Lying on his bed at night, he wonders when they’ll meet again. He fancies soon enough and envisions himself somewhere near the lake, with birches around, with her. It’s too good of a thought to even consider turning into a reality and he is way too confused. His confusion mixed with the tiredness puts him in a long awaited sleep.
After that night he doesn’t catch her sight again. She is carefully avoiding him, he desperately wants to see her. But he doesn’t make any move to realise his wishes. None of it makes any sense to the mafia executive. So he buries himself in the crimes that his job demanded. Only stopping occasionally to meet his sister, to reassure her he was indeed alright, she didn’t need to worry at all.
But she was worried and none of his words soothed her.
Her brother was pacing out more. He was more squirmy, more taken aback. It didn’t exactly fit his profession neither did it please his subordinates. Strange of all, he suddenly took an interest in the colour red.
It isn’t till he was forced to share the details of his vampire journey that her worries finally come to cease. ‘Oh’ she thinks, ‘He’s in love.’
He can’t stop talking about her or smiling and the stories of his short lived vampire life somehow becomes lengthy details about her, before and after Bram Stoker’s ability was nullified.
‘So in love.’
But it takes him much longer to figure that out. It takes him till his mentor points it out, so casually.
Now he is running, as fast as he can. He has to see her. He likes her. He like-likes her. He likes her and he wants to say it so badly it aches where it hurts the most. So bad that he forgets all about his big bad mission and his big bad boss.
“Lucy,”
So badly that he could scream it out right now.
“hi.”
She looks horrified. Then she smiles, “hi.”
“Can we.. can you take me to Anne’s room?”
“Huh?” She looks puzzled, “uhh yes. Well, not now. My break is in another thirty minutes. Can you wait?”
He can wait forever.
“Yeah. Yeah, I can.”
It’s awkward in the mostly empty room with two other customers who seem to be regulars there. He orders iced tea for the time being. It’s his first time at a cafe without any business purpose, murderous intent. He clearly doesn’t want it to show. He fidgets a little, then carefully sends an awkward message to his sister after typing it for the fifth time in different words.
It reads, “How did you tell Tachihara you liked him?”
Sent and regretted but the text is neither read or replied to. The black clothed boy assumes that Gin must be busy and is reminded of his own business. He was to find an opposition’s hideout and kill everyone present. Alas he was interrupted by that strange man and here he is now, battling a task much harder.
The melting ice made the glass look pretty. Akutagawa was now fidgeting with the metal straw when a voice beside him calls out, “Uhm, Akutagawa-kun,” she says as he turns to her, “I’m free now.”
“Perfect.” he answers. And suddenly he’s pulled into a warm dollhouse.
“So.. what did you want to be here for?”
“I want to say something.”
“Oh. Tell me then,” she smiled. It’s the first time he’s voluntarily speaking to her. And while she was adamant to the bone to ignore him, just now she realised she doesn’t want to.
“I love,” he started. ‘love?’ That's odd. What was he planning to say anyway? “I love the colour red.”
He says, without thinking. How stupid. But it sends a perplexed Lucy to a fit of laughter. Blood rushes to his cheeks turning them a beautiful shade of crimson. Why did he say that in the first place. So stupid, so stupid. She’ll think a proper fool of him now and validly so.
“Sorry..” She chokes out in between her laughter “it’s just, I thought you had something important to say.”
“But–“
He wants to protest but there’s nothing further he can say to make it better. In fact, he’s convinced it would just make it worse. And honestly she looks so beautiful laughing like that, he can only produce a smile.
She looks at him, smiling, “Is there anything more you want to say?”
“Nothing just, I never liked red before, not before you. I was indifferent to it, but now I love it. So..”
“So..?”
The two look at each other with a mountain of anxiety building up inside them. And they both hope that only the right words will be exchanged.
“So please don’t be a stranger even now that things are back to how it was.”
“Okay. I promise.”
“Okay.”
There’s something intimate that’s born in their eyes and they both recognize the unfamiliarity as something that’ll be present there for longer.
.
At night, Akutagawa checks his phone. 5 texts from his sister, giving him a short description of how she never really confessed at all but they just both knew. He sighs.
Does Lucy know too? Does she know that he didn’t mean to finish his sentence with “red”?