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“A club gathering?”
“Just a fancy word for ‘we get fuckfaced all night long together’.”
Shosei winces. “I don’t know. I’m not very good with drinks. . .” he trails off. It does sound like a lot of fun, but he doesn’t want to risk it. Every single time he’s gone out to drink, he always remembers all the embarrassing, shameful things he did as he hugs the toilet and turns his stomach inside out the next morning. “I think I’ll pass.”
Syoya opens his mouth to reply just as somebody comes in to interrupt their conversation by swinging an arm around Syoya.
“Pass? Oh no, you’re not allowed to pass,” their senior, Ruki, says. “It’s a mandatory event. Everyone has to come.”
Shosei frowns. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t have to drink,” Ruki suggests. “You can just come.”
Begrudgingly, Shosei nods his head when he understands that Ruki will never let him not go. He’ll just go, drink some soda and go back home. No big deal.
From: Mom
Hey honey Sukai’s mother told me he’s attending a college near yours why don’t you meet up with him? I’m sure you miss him. It’s been almost two years now since you last saw each other. Maybe the both of you can come home together and visit us some time.
Call me soon! We miss you so much
When Shosei arrives at the address Ruki shared with him, a text pops up and he stops before opening the glass doors.
From: syoya
hey i dont feel so good so im gonna stay at home. have fun
Shosei stares at his phone for a solid minute. Even if he’s only known Syoya for two weeks, give or take a couple days, he can already feel a sense of betrayal. He’s suddenly hit with the desire to go back home and bury himself under his blanket. If he remembers well, there’s a show he’s been looking forward to watching and the first episode was announced to drop today, which definitely sounds way better than sitting anxiously in a crowd of people. Sure, he knows Ruki and he’s not unfamiliar with most of the people in his club, in fact, they’re all very friendly and nice, but they’re only familiar with the sober, do-things-with-thinking kind of Shosei. He doesn’t think he’ll ever have the face to show up in the next club meeting, or anymore club meetings for that matter, if everyone inside that restaurant sees his drunk side.
The show that came to mind earlier starts to sound very interesting, so he wastes no time and turns around to walk towards the direction he arrived. To his utter luck, he hears the door open and footsteps follow him.
“Shosei. Where are you going?”
He comes to a halt, cursing himself for not running on the inside. As he turns around, he hopes the embarrassment paled himself a little, at least enough to make him look sick.
“Hey, Ruki, I don’t feel so good so I’m just going to go back home.”
“But you’re already here and you look great! It’s cold outside, isn’t it? Let’s go inside,” Ruki says in an excited manner, pulling Shosei’s arm with him.
They sit down on some empty chairs near the door and Shosei finds himself beside another senior he met at the club.
“Hi,” Takumi greets him with a warm smile. Shosei couldn’t help but smile back. He wishes it was Takumi who saw him at the door. If it were, he would probably already be on his way home by now after rejecting Takumi’s nice offer to take him home.
As he starts talking with Takumi, he finds himself getting into a conversation with everyone sitting on his table. It was fun and Shosei was really starting to enjoy himself. Takumi’s bright laughter was so contagious, he found himself laughing until his stomach hurt. Junki’s voice was loud, but he made everyone comfortable.
Shosei is having such a good time that he doesn’t even think of anything when glasses of beer start passing down his row. Any anxiousness and doubt he had in the beginning was quickly washed away with the drink that he chugged down.
Soon enough, there was a smile on everyone’s face, even Shion who had a permanent glare on his face just the previous hour. Everyone's a little more pink in the face too. Shosei had a hard time remembering when was the last time he laughed this hard.
“Shosei?” He hears Ruki’s voice but doesn’t see him until he feels a pair of hands rest on his shoulders. “I thought you weren’t going to drink.”
He flushes and laughs. “One glass won’t hurt anyone, right?” He slurs.
Ruki frowns, concern on his face. “Okay.. if you say so.”
“Hey, let’s go to a karaoke bar!” Junki shouts, making everyone look at him.
Shosei stands up abruptly, pushing his chair back and almost whacking Ruki in the face. “Yeah! Let’s go,” he cheers loudly. Truth be told, he didn’t even care much for singing, dancing was more of his thing, but Junki’s influence was a force to be reckoned with. Sober him would dread having to sing in front of anyone, but drunk him just wanted to have a good time singing stupid love songs he hears on the radio with Junki and all his drunk friends.
Much to Junki and Shosei’s luck, there was a karaoke bar just five stores down and it wasn’t even an hour later that they were all seated in the room, choosing a song to start them out with. Half of them had opted to stay in the restaurant and everyone on Shosei’s table had stumbled their way after an enthusiastic Junki.
Shosei sits beside Shion and Takumi as everyone watches Junki belt out lyrics to a song Shosei’s definitely heard before but never bothered to find out the title.
Once Junki’s done singing, he shoves the mic to Shosei. “You next! Here, pick a song.”
He fumbles with the karaoke remote for a second before clicking on whatever comes up. He must have the worst luck in the world because the song that pops up on the screen is the one that just had to remind him of everything he’s trying so hard to forget. Of black hair and sharp eyes. Of gentle smiles and warm hands.
There’s a dull ache in his heart and he purses his lips. To hell with that, he decides and jumps to his feet. Gripping the mic with his hand, he uses the other hand to usher Junki to stand with him, the two swaying with the rhythm of the song. Even though his and Junki’s voices from the speakers reverberate throughout the whole room in a way that’s almost painful to the ears, he can still hear Shion and Takumi sing their lungs out behind them.
Shosei never knew how relieving it felt to just sing as if he’s releasing all the emotions he’s kept inside all these years through his voice.
Once he’s done, he doesn’t stop, pulling both Shion and Takumi to stand up. They take turns using the mics even though they didn’t really need to since all four of them were singing the loudest they could.
The two hours seem to pass by like a blur of flashing lights and sweat dripping down from his bangs. His eyes might have hurt a little from trying to read the moving words on the screen, but the adrenaline pumping through his system is enough to make him not notice it. Next thing he knew, Shosei is sitting down outside the soundproof karaoke room on the sofa near the cashier under white lights.
Ruki is shaking him, as if to wake him up, and asking him something. There’s Junki sitting beside him with his head on Shosei’s shoulder and Takumi is nowhere to be seen.
“Hey, do you have anyone that can pick you up?”
Shosei frowns. “Ruki? What are you doing here?”
“I’m here cause you’re all shitfaced and I need to get you home. Now please tell me who I can call. Give me your phone.”
Shosei smiles sleepily, tired. He reaches into his pocket and slides Ruki his phone.
“Do you know anyone named Sukai? You have a text from him.”
His smile quickly turns into a frown, pools of tears start forming in his eyes.
“No. I hate him,” Shosei says, almost whining.
Ruki looks up at him from the phone. “Why? I mean, clearly you don’t. There’s a heart next to his name.”
Maybe if he was sober, Shosei would turn five shades of red, but drunk Shosei just shakes his head.
But Ruki has no choice. He doesn’t know anyone in his contact list and Sukai seems to be the best bet. The message was enough to tell Ruki that Shosei was close enough to him. He tells Shosei to unlock the phone and presses the call button.
From: sukai <3
hi shosei it’s been a while but i really want to see you. i heard from my mom that you’re attending x uni and it’s really close to where i’m living right now. it would make me really happy if we could catch up and just talk.. about whatever happened back then.
i really miss you
Ruki doesn’t say it out loud, but he does not believe that Shosei and his friend don’t have the kind of special relationship Shosei insists they don’t because under half an hour, the door slides open loudly and there’s a tall, handsome man decked out in thick clothing, panting with his hand on his knee.
“I take it you’re Sukai?” Ruki says.
“Yes. I’m here to pick up Shosei,” he replies after a long moment of trying to stabilize his breathing.
“He’s right there and he’s really drunk. Sorry to push him onto you, but I have to get the other idiot home.” Ruki points his finger at Junki.
“No worries.” He trudges to Shosei’s side and softly shakes him, quite similarly to the way Ruki did just less than an hour ago, but Shosei doesn’t stir. So Sukai bends down with his back facing Shosei and takes both of his arms and places them on his shoulder. Once Shosei is safely secured on his back, he thanks Ruki and leaves the building.
Halfway through the walk to his apartment, Shosei wakes up. Sukai feels him jostle on his back and tightens his grip so he wouldn’t fall. “Hey. Stop moving. It’s just me.”
“Sukai?”
“Yeah, it’s me,” he repeats, more softly this time as he feels Shosei settle behind his back.
“Is this a dream?” Shosei asks drowsily.
Sukai frowns and opens his mouth to answer, but the boy behind him beats him to it.
“If this is a dream, that means I can do anything and everything I want, right?”
Sukai is at a loss for words. Truth be told, it’s been a couple of years since he last saw Shosei, and he doesn’t know how to act. Although everything about Shosei is familiar and nostalgic, behaving normally for Sukai feels foreign. It’s no doubt the time apart widened the distance between the two and all Sukai feels is regret.
“But Sukai,” Shosei continues, “this time you’re warmer than the Sukaii in my dreams.”
If he weren’t in the middle of the road, he would have stopped right there. Sukai tried to tell himself it’s just a drunk Shosei speaking. Drunks speak nonsense all the time. He’s sure he himself goes on myriads of incoherent speeches when he’s drunk. But it doesn’t sink in. Not when his heart starts pounding against his ribs and his breath catches his throat. It’s not a feeling he’s unfamiliar with.
“Oh, really?” Sukai speaks up once he finds his voice again. “How’s the Sukai in your dreams like?”
The arms around Sukai’s neck get tighter and Shosei drops his head against Sukai’s nape. “He’s exactly like the Sukai in real life. He’s tall and handsome and nice and kind to everyone. He always teases me, and then I get angry at him, but I secretly like it cause it just means he’s paying attention to me. He’s funny and has a smile that makes all the butterflies in my stomach flutter like crazy.”
At this point, Sukai doesn’t even know where he’s going. His legs keep moving, but all he wants to do is drop Shosei down and hug him until he suffocates. Everything feels warm, especially on his face. Even though it’s dark and the only lights guiding him home are the moonlight and the street lights, it feels as though the warm rays of the sun are pointing directly at him. He has no doubt he’s mirroring the shade of a firetruck. A reply is there on the tip of his tongue. He almost wants to shout it out that he feels the same way. That he stays up at night just thinking about Shosei’s soft hair and pretty smile, and how he’s missed Shosei so much he can hardly handle it anymore.
“I--”
“But in my dreams, he loves me back,” Shosei mumbles.
This time, Sukai comes to a halt. His fingers under Shosei’s knees grip tighter. A whirlwind of thoughts fly around his head and it all takes him back in time to reminisce about all the memories he shared with Shosei. It all stops when he hears soft snores coming from his back and he couldn’t help the fond smile that paints his lips.
“Stupid. Tell me again when you wake up, okay?”
It would be an understatement to say his whole body hurt when he woke up. He felt like he was someone’s laundry that had just been rinsed and wringed dry at least five times. His throat urges him to get up and drink some water to soothe the burning, but the blankets were so comfortable that he can’t help wanting to bury himself in them further, hoping that the pain and soreness would go away once he wakes up a second time. It took less than a second for Shosei to realize these weren’t his cheap, almost worn out sheets and blanket, and his eyes shot open, almost blinding himself in the process.
“What happened?” he mutters, looking around.
“Shosei? You awake?”
Before he can register whose voice it belonged to, he feels the bile rise up. Soon he’s bent over the toilet, heaving everything inside his stomach out. As he’s trying to catch his breath, flashes of memory come rushing to his mind.
“But… he loves me back.”
Shosei wants to flush his entire body down the toilet and disappear forever.
After flushing the toilet (himself not included) and wiping his mouth in the sink, he peaks outside the bathroom. Maybe he can sneak out without Sukai noticing. Sukai had his back facing him in the kitchen while the bathroom was closer to the door to exit. He doesn’t feel the familiar weight of his phone inside his pocket, but he’d rather go on with his life without that phone than have to go through this situation. Well, at this very moment at least.
Swinging the door wider slowly, he takes the softest steps he’s ever taken his entire life outside the bathroom and towards the door. He’s almost there. Just a couple of steps more. A mere inches away and his hand rises to get the handle.
“What are you doing?”
Shosei freezes. Inside his head, he’s cursing Ruki to hell and back. And why did Sukai have to send that text message at that exact time when he’s never bothered to try to contact Shosei these past two years.
There’s no way he can turn around and look at Sukai. He probably looks like a tomato right now.
Footsteps come closer and Sukai wraps his hand around Shosei’s arm to pull him to the table. “Come on. Let’s eat. I made breakfast.”
He sits down across from Sukai and stares at the food. Fluffy white rice with tamagoyaki and karaage, completed with a bowl of steaming miso soup. When he looks up, Sukai is giving him the softest smile he’s ever seen.
The domesticity of it all makes his chest hurt. He doesn’t let himself imagine what could have happened if they kept in touch and had meals together like it was a normal everyday thing. He wonders when Sukai learned how to cook.
Sukai claps his hands together and says the words they always do before every meal. Shosei follows suit, but mumbling them under his breath. With his chopsticks, he picks up a roll of tamagoyaki and carefully places it inside his mouth.
Sweet. Just the way he likes them.
“So…” Sukai begins, “What have you been up to?”
Shosei stops eating in surprise and an awkward silence fills the room. He doesn’t even know what to answer. All that time apart and that’s the only thing he can ask? Shosei must have taken too long to answer because Sukai sighs and puts his chopsticks down.
“Sorry. I’m Sorry. I just don’t know where to begin.”
“Me neither.”
“I really missed you. It’s so nice to see you.”
It comes out before Shosei can even think about it. “It didn’t seem that way.”
Sukai winces. “I know. I’m sorry. I hope you believe me when I say I regret a lot of things I did, or didn’t do, I guess.”
“I missed you too, Sukai.”
“It works both ways, you know. You could’ve tried to contact me any time but you didn’t,” Sukai replies quietly.
Shosei pauses for a moment. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” He, too, didn’t try to connect with Sukai. He always knew his mom was always in contact with Sukai’s mom, so it wouldn’t be hard at all to try to find some sort of way to reach him. He always assumed Sukai had changed his number when he didn’t; he could’ve easily given Sukai a call, or asked his mom first. At the same time, he didn’t want to face Sukai. He always waited for the other to make the first move. “But I was really hurt, Sukai. As much as I did want to meet you again, I didn’t want to feel as bad as I did back then. You knew I was going to confess my feelings for you, but you interrupted me to say you were going out with somebody else.”
There it was. Right in his chest. The reason he always tried avoiding Sukai.
“Shosei… You know I never meant to hurt you. I was just scared. I was just starting to come to terms with my own feelings and starting to understand that I was interested in not just women, and I wasn’t quite there yet. I wasn’t ready.”
“Wait, what?”
“I wasn’t ready?”
“No, uhm, what do you mean by feelings?” Shosei asked with his heart beating hard against his ribs. If he was in a cartoon, he was sure his heart would be bulging out of his shirt right now.
Sukai smiles. “It means I love you too, silly.”
There was a long pause as Shosei tried to come to terms with the words that came out of Sukai’s mouth. He’s lying. No, but Sukai would never lie. What if he changed?
“Uhm you mean you still do or that was before?” Shosei asks nervously, fiddling with his fingers under the table.
“No, yesterday I decided I would stop liking you entirely.”
Shosei frowns.
“I’m joking!” Sukai laughs, and Shosei decides it’s his favorite sound in the entire world. “Of course I still do.”
“What makes you think I still like you now, huh?” Shosei says as his last attempt to save his pride.
“Why don’t we ask your dreams that?”
His face turns red all the way up to the tips of his ears and incoherent noises start coming out of his mouth. He quickly changes the subject. “And you really, truly mean it right? You still like me?”
“Head over heels. I’m crazy for you.”
Sukai reaches across the table to take Shosei’s hand in his. Shosei can’t help but think they look exactly like a cutout scene from the cheesy, cringeworthy rom coms he watched with his sister, but even so he’s the happiest he’s ever been. He grips Sukai’s hand tightly and doesn’t let go until the end of the meal.
“Oh hey, Shosei!” Shosei hears him before he sees him.
“And it’s… Sukai with the heart, right?” Ruki points at Sukai with a face that looks like a lightbulb just lit above his head.
Sukai frowns in confusion. “Heart?”
“Never mind that!” Shosei quickly interrupts.
“So I guess things worked out with your friend? That’s great,” Ruki says.
“Boyfriend.” Shosei pulls Sukai by the arm closer to him.
Ruki rolls his eyes. “Congrats. Now get out of my sight.”
From: Unknown Number
Hey! It’s Junki. I got your number from Ruki ^^ I had so much fun last night, my head is absolutely trashed. You were so crazy let’s do it again
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