Chapter Text
Dear Ash,
I don't know what to do without you. It doesn't feel quite real. That you're gone, I mean. Even saying that feels wrong. Max and Sing both confirmed the body was yours, and every part of reality shows me you truly are gone for good. I don't know what to do without you. My hands feel out of place no matter what I do. I try to lay my head down to sleep, but the room feels cold and uncomfortable without you. Sometimes when I do manage to fall asleep, I wake up to echoes of your screams and reach for you, only to grasp empty sheets and the cold night air.
Tonight was one of those nights. I'm writing this at three AM because it hurts. It hurts so badly that you're not here. It hurts to see the world around me keep moving even though you're not here. It's not fair, it's just not fair, Ash. We were so close. You would've come to Japan and I would've shown you a whole new life. I would've been able to see all your moments. And you would've been able to see mine. I would still have my best friend.
I think that's what hurts the most. I don't need the world to see that I've been the best I can be, but I can't stand to be where you don't see me. You'll never walk through the door broken and bruised, but still alive. I'll never be able to see the face you make when you taste the natto I gave you for breakfast again. I'll never get to scold you for being more reckless than you need to be. You'll never get to tease me for being "old" (seriously, I'm only two years older). I'll never get to see you staring as the sun sets on your city, and how the colors danced along your skin. It was one of the few times I ever saw you allow yourself to soften and open yourself up to the world around you. If I could ask for one thing, it would be to see you like that one more time. So I could commit every tiny detail to memory. So I could forever remember the radiance and warmth of Aslan Jade Callenreese. Because that's who you were in those moments. You weren't "Ash Lynx." You weren't a "monster," as you liked to call yourself. You were always an angel to me, Ash. You saved me, and I'll never forgive myself for not being there to save you.
On sunny days when I go out walking, I end up on tree-lined streets. I look up at the gaps of sunlight and all I can think about is you. I miss you more than anything, Ash. I wanted to share this with you. Now it's all I can do to just keep on walking because I know that if I stop I'll never get up again. Without you I'm so lost. You were supposed to be here, damn you. Why couldn't you have just come to the airport in the first place? Why did you have to be so caught up in your own head about what others would think of us? They say you died with a smile on your face. I hope it was because you at least knew my soul would always be with you. Even after death.
It's autumn now. Summer passed by quicker than I could process and you're still everywhere around me, it's somehow suffocating but also relieving. I don't know what to do without you yet, so please stay for a little while. I don't think I could stand to be where you don't see me. When I can see you everywhere, it's like you're still there watching me with that little smile on your face that you thought I never noticed.
I need to try to get some sleep, but I won't be saying "sayonara" this time either. I'll talk to you later, Ash. Don't be a stranger.
My soul is always with you.
- Eiji Okumura