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The lounge was loud with overlapping conversations, the Foxes high energy for the upcoming long weekend. Four days of no Exy and Neil was spending it in Columbia with the Monsters. It wasn’t the first time he had gone with them, but this time Neil felt flushed and as if his clothes had somehow turned two sizes too small. Usually, Neil spent his time talking about Exy with Kevin or listening to Nicky’s endless rambles. But more and more often he had been sneaking away to steal one of Andrew’s cigarettes and sit in silence with the man.
He couldn’t explain the pull he felt to him, the steadiness he found in Andrew’s presence. Perhaps it was the easy silence he found between them, the unflinching honesty in the way Andrew spoke. Neil found himself craving it, seeking it out. He had yet to be turned away, becoming greedy with Andrew’s attention. It had been almost a month since Neil had gone with them to Columbia, but the last time he stole one of Andrew’s cigarettes had replayed in his mind every night since.
He had found Andrew on the back porch, phone in hand and cigarette dangling from his mouth. The only light was a sliver of pale yellow from the kitchen window, cutting Andrew’s back in two. The sight of him, one red socked foot crossed behind the other and shoulder propped carelessly against the pitted wood of a column, had drawn Neil in like a moth to a flame. When he was close enough to see what Andrew was doing on his phone, Neil felt something strange and twisting grow in his gut.
“What is that?”
Andrew had jolted slightly at Neil’s voice, half twisting to look at him. He had thought Andrew had known he was there, but over the past year Neil had memorized the loose boards of the house, and he unknowingly made his footsteps silent as he walked up to him. If Neil was one for embarrassment or remorse he may have apologized, but as it was he just stared at Andrew, waiting.
From his new position, the light had cast half of his face into sharp relief, turning one of his eyes into something almost burning. The smoke falling from his parted lips turned the air between them hazy, an imagined barrier given shape. Frustrated with himself and his own nebulous emotions, Neil had reached through it and plucked the cigarette from Andrew’s lips. It was more daring than he usually was, but putting it to his mouth to take a drag had left Neil with an odd sort of primal satisfaction.
Andrew stood frozen, his eyes dark as he watched Neil bring the cigarette back to his mouth for another slow drag. In the dark, Neil could hear the low rumble of an engine, the breeze whispering through their untamed yard. It felt oddly endless, the moment between them.
He had thought he might have been okay with being frozen in time here, with Andrew as his only companion.
Deliberately, as all his movements tended to be, Andrew had lifted his phone a bare inch, eyes still locked on Neil’s face. It wasn’t really an answer, and Neil cocked a brow in challenge. They both knew if Andrew didn’t feel like discussing it, he wouldn’t have acknowledged it at all.
Finally, unbearably, Andrew had looked away, back out into the yard. He didn’t reach for another cigarette, although he tapped his phone twice against his palm as he always did with his pack. “Grindr,” he had said eventually, his voice dripping with boredom but his jaw tight. Whatever that was was unfamiliar to Neil, and his confusion must have shown on his face. Andrew had watched him with the slightest tilt of his head, assessing. “It’s an app,” he said slowly, “where I find men to hookup with.”
From the glimpse Neil had seen of Andrew’s phone he shouldn’t have been surprised. But the confirmation had only made the twisting in his gut worse and the cigarette no longer soothed the buzzing under his skin. “Ah.” He watched as ash fell from the end of his stolen cigarette, drifting and disappearing somewhere he couldn’t follow. His frustration mounting, Neil had taken a final harsh drag before stubbing it out, drawing a dark line against the peeling white paint of the porch. “I’ve never understood that.”
“Sex?” It should have been mocking, but instead somehow sounded curious, even as Andrew appeared nothing more than disinterested.
“Hookups,” Neil had clarified. “But yes, sex. I’ve never felt attraction to someone like that.”
“Never?”
When Neil had gone to speak he had found his words, having always been ready on his tongue before, painfully missing. The easy agreement he thought he would have found felt almost like a lie as he rolled it around his teeth. Andrew’s phone screen had long gone dark, but Neil still stared at it as if he could pull out the answers he knew he was looking for. It was jealousy in him, he had realized. Similar to when Kevin made a shot Neil had missed, but this time it was accompanied by hungry teeth and not a flare of admiration like he was used to. It brought him pause, unable to decide what to do with it.
Swallowing his initial response, Neil made sure to meet Andrew’s eyes. “Not before.”
With half his body softly lit and the other blurring into the darkening night air, Andrew hadn’t seemed fully real when he stepped closer to Neil, smelling of smoke and whiskey and cinnamon. That close, Andrew had to tip his head back, just a little, to meet Neil’s gaze, looking carefully over his face, searching for a lie that he would never find. His eyes were too low to be on Neil’s when he had asked, “And now?”
The truth had been too much, at the time. But so had the lie. “It’s complicated,” he whispered instead.
Impossibly, Andrew had moved closer, until his warmth had soaked through the thin material of Neil’s shirt, leaving his skin almost aching for contact.“If you ever figure it out,” he said lowly, breath fanning over Neil’s neck, “you know where to find me.”
He had left then, the promise his words had held holding Neil in place with its weight. Possibilities bloomed at his fingertips, leaving him jittery and desperate to taste, yet he couldn’t bring himself to reach out and grab one. Neil had spent far too long breathing in the night air until the last traces of Andrew had disappeared.
Now, tucked into his usual chair in the corner of the lounge, Neil stared down at his phone, doing his best to keep his face blank. When he had downloaded the app, he told himself he wasn’t going to use it. While Andrew’s words had definitely been an invitation of sorts, Neil hadn’t been ready to accept. It had felt fragile in a way Neil was unused too, unwilling to bring damage to it. He hadn’t been lying, when he told Andrew he didn’t understand the desire for hookups. But the thought of being with Andrew, in more than their shared cigarettes and quiet truths, was something else entirely. It had taken over a week for him to cave and make a profile, having decided he would accept anything Andrew would give him, if the man was still willing.
Unfortunately, actually finding him turned out to be a much more difficult task than Neil had anticipated. Every day Neil swiped through profiles, looking for Andrew’s with no success. It was infuriating, and only worsened by Neil having to watch Andrew each day, knowing he was just out of reach. But Neil never had known when to quit, and he wanted Andrew. A constant thrum under his skin worsened by proximity and time. Enough to sit in the same room as their team and scroll through countless profiles to try to find him. He was keeping half an ear out for the arrival of Wymack, aware that his search time was slowly ticking down.
Passing a few more selfies, a bare chest, and yet another bathroom picture, Neil felt his eyes start to glaze over. It had started to all blur together, a constant stream of confusing poses and too much skin. Blowing out a hard breath through his nose, Neil shifted, swinging his legs up and over the arm of the chair, curling further into the worn orange fabric. Casting a furtive look over his shoulder, he quickly checked to see if any of the upperclassmen on the couch could see his phone screen, but the angle was enough that Allison, sitting on the end closest to him, would need to lean over to catch a glimpse.
Satisfied, he turned back to his phone, blinking a few times to regain his focus. Maybe he should expand his search. He watched a few more profiles file past without interest, rolling his ankle until it cracked. His thumb was pressed against the glass of his phone when he froze, something in the back of his brain tugging at him. Scrolling back up, Neil looked closer at a photo featuring nothing but a man’s torso and the beginnings of his hips, the dark green shirt he was wearing stretching across his shoulders and chest. Neil knew that shirt; would recognize it anywhere. The last time he had seen it, he had been passing Andrew early in the morning when slipping back into the Columbia house after his run.
Andrew had been in the kitchen, his hair sleep rumbled and his glasses slipping down his nose as he glared at the coffee maker as if it were to blame for him being awake that early. Neil had been caught in the doorway, fascinated by the way the rare show of colour made him seem a little softer, his eyes a little warmer. The sight of Andrew reaching up for a mug, his shirt riding up just enough to show a sliver of the pale skin of his hip, had imprinted itself permanently into Neil’s brain.
Clicking on the profile, Neil felt his pulse speed up just enough to feel, setting his fingertips buzzing. The next photo was him at a gym, facing away from the camera. He was in the middle of what looked like a back squat, the muscles of his arms and back clear even through his long sleeved black shirt. Unlike the other gym photos Neil had seen, nothing about this one seemed showy or artificial. He could see the strength running throughout his entire body, everything about him screaming steady and unmovable, unapologetic in it’s simple confidence. The sight was as familiar, and Neil could see just how he would look in motion.
It was curiosity more than anything else that had him looking at the rest. Although he never showed his face and his arms were carefully covered so his armbands wouldn’t show, Neil knew this could be no one but Andrew. Each photo was impersonal and yet magnetic, leaving Neil to soak up every detail. He was studying the way a surprisingly delicate golden light highlighted the hollow of his throat when Neil remembered what he was meant to be doing.
Swallowing hard, Neil snuck a glance at Andrew. He was staring at the door, chin propped in his hand and looking bored out of his skull, tapping a rhythmic pattern on his knee. For as uncaring as he appeared, Neil could tell he was actually listening to the conversation around them by the way his head was tilted ever so slightly and the almost invisible furrow between his brows. It made Neil want to trace it with his fingers, to follow the lines of his face until his hands had memorized every expression.
Andrew shifted, and Neil snapped his gaze back down to his phone. His thumb hovered over the button to message him, nerves bubbling up in his gut. Knowing Andrew, he wouldn’t pull out his phone until they were at the Columbia house that night, never bothering to check it when his people were with him. It meant Neil wouldn’t get an answer until they were in a different city, stuck under the same roof, unable to avoid each other. The last thing he wanted was to make Andrew anything less than comfortable, especially in his own home. Fuck it. If Andrew had lost interest then Neil would make himself scarce. He’d hitchhike back to Palmetto if Andrew really wanted him to.
Carefully, each letter feeling like another step further beyond a cliff’s edge, Neil typed out Found you. Hitting send was the swoop of a freefall, anticipation thick in his blood.
He was so focused on trying to keep his heart rate at a respectable level he almost missed the quick blip of noise sounding in the lull of conversation. It was unfamiliar and therefore unimportant, and Neil went back to studying the heavy curve of Andrew’s unmistakable arms in the gym photo. He had the sudden overwhelming thought of those arms lifting him up as if he weighed nothing and what it would be like to fill his lungs with smoke and cinnamon. The image was as thrilling as it was dangerous, and Neil wondered if he was high enough to break if he fell with no one to catch him.
Nicky cleared his throat, pulling the attention of the room to himself. Tearing himself away from his phone, Neil slanted him half a look, annoyed at the interruption. The excited gleam in Nicky’s eye as he swept his gaze over the team, however, immediately washed away any other feeling in Neil, leaving behind only the sharp edge of foreboding.
“So,” he said, delighted, a slow and sharp grin spreading across his face, “who here has Grindr?”
At the words Neil froze, helpless as his eyes landed on Andrew again. His fingers had stilled on his knee, eyes locked on the door. Neil felt his stomach drop to the floor and his heart leap up to his throat. He hadn’t thought that Andrew would have had his notification sounds on, having only ever seen the device on vibrate. Horror and regret were a noxious combination, sickly in their slow crawl through his body.
The movement of Nicky leaning forward drew Neil’s eye again, his throat still closed on any words he might have had. “I know that was the Grindr noise,” Nicky said, jabbing his finger down onto the table. “Which one of you has been holding out on me?”
The upperclassmen glanced around at each other, a few brows raised. Both Aaron and Kevin looked as far as interested as one could be, and Andrew still hadn’t looked away from the door. Neil hoped the lack of response would deter Nicky and the conversation would die. Then he could focus on his apology and perhaps a new identity as well.
The universe had always hated Neil.
Nicky zeroed in on him, on the phone in his hand. His smile grew impossibly wider. “Neil, what are you doing?”
If Neil snapped his phone down, now, it would be as good as admitting what he was up to. He blinked at Nicky. “Your mom.”
Matt snorted, loud enough to break the tension, and Neil used the distraction to close the app and lay his phone face down on his chest. Letting his head roll to the side, he found Matt snickering into the back of his hand, eyes crinkling with his smile.
“Who taught you that?” he asked.
“Aaron,” Neil said, pointing at him. Aaron flipped him off lazily, and Neil twisted his already outstretched hand to return the gesture.
Nicky flapped a hand impatiently in the air. “Hilarious. But seriously, guys,” he looked around the room again, a brow arched up towards his hairline. “Who’s phone was that?”
Renee, ever the peacekeeper, caught Nicky with one of her rare disappointed looks. “Perhaps they’re not ready to share with us yet.”
Nicky looked properly chagrined, deflating in the face of Renee’s gentle reprimand. It was Allison though who waved her off. “No, I’m with Hemmick here. You left your sound on, no use hiding now.” She twisted to look past Matt and Dan, nail tapping against her chin. “Day? Anything to share?”
Kevin scowled at her, his frown deepening further at the noise leaving Nicky’s mouth. Neil’s attention, however, quickly narrowed down to Andrew shifting in his seat. He didn’t look at anyone as he pulled his phone from his pocket, uncaring of the sudden silence or eyes on him. The sound of his phone unlocking was like a gunshot, tearing through Neil. Each swipe of his thumb was another damning blow, pushing Neil further and further into his chair. For a few tense moments, Andrew just stared down at his screen. Then, taking ten years off Neil’s life, Andrew slowly looked up to level him with the most unimpressed look he had ever seen.
“I thought your sound was off,” Neil said, fighting the growing warmth in his cheeks.
In the following roar of noise, Neil couldn’t stop looking at Andrew. The energy of the Foxes broke against him, leaving him a spot of calm in the storm. His expression was carefully blank, but his eyes were calculating. It left Neil feeling shivery and exposed, an apology he knew Andrew didn’t want stuck on the tip of his tongue. Half his team was trying to pry Neil for answers, knowing asking Andrew would get them nowhere but Abby’s office if they pushed too far. Unable and unwilling to respond, Neil held Andrew’s gaze, trying desperately to find his footing again.
He was saved from further pestering by the slam of the door, Wymack’s heavy footsteps sounding in the hall. Rounding the corner, he fixed all of them with a hard stare. “Pipe down! I can hear your squabbling from outside.”
“Oh my god, Coach,” Nicky started.
“Sorry, Coach,” Neil cut Nicky off, swinging to sit in his chair properly again and shoving his phone deep into his pocket, cursing it’s very existence.
Looking over his team, Wymack raised a brow. “Do I want to know?”
“Nope,” Neil said.
They both ignored Nicky’s noise of protest. Wymack gave Neil a look, but nodded. “Fine. Then stop wasting my time and listen up.”
Neil did his best to pay attention, but the weight of Andrew’s gaze kept pulling his mind away, his eyes following until they met burning hazel over and over. His expression never changed, his focus never shifting off of Neil. When Wymack finally finished and dismissed them for the weekend, Andrew rose from his seat and left without a word, not sparing a glance back.
Carefully extracting himself from his team, Neil escaped down the hall, all but slamming into the door in his haste to leave. It had been stupid of him to message Andrew when they were surounded by everyone. If Neil was smart, he would have waited until he knew Andrew was alone to send anything. Leave him to see it and do what he wanted with it in peace, on his own time. He hadn’t meant for everyone to know.
Bright sunlight momentarily blinded Neil as he stepped outside, but when he blinked his vision clear, he found himself already looking at Andrew, and found Andrew already looking back. His feet itched to turn and run back to the Tower, to put this entire fiasco behind him and never speak of it again. But Andrew deserved more, deserved better than that. If Neil could, he would have given Andrew everything. Steeling himself, Neil made his way across the parking lot to where Andrew was leaning against his car, a cigarette already hanging loosely between his fingers.
When Neil stopped in front of him, Andrew raised the cigarette to his mouth, his cheeks hollowing slightly on his inhale. Neil’s fingers twitched in their habit of reaching out so he tucked them into his pockets, unwilling to push further. Andrew noted the movement with a hum and then blew a steady stream of smoke into Neil’s face. Something in Neil settled as he breathed it deep into his lungs, his body swaying towards Andrew ever so slightly, chasing the smoke.
Neil tried on his most apologetic smile, knowing it looked more like a grimace. He opened his mouth to explain himself, to tell Andrew he’d leave him alone forever if he wanted, but what came out was, “I like your pictures.”
“Really?” Andrew deadpanned, face unreadable. “I couldn’t tell.”
Neil shrugged, lips quirking. “They’re nice photos.”
Taking another slow drag, Andrew studied him, the smoke of his exhale blurring his edges. “Why.”
“Because they’re yours,” Neil said simply.
Andrew’s eyes closed, Neil, with a deep sense of satisfaction, studied how the sunlight made the dusted pink of his ears glow. When Andrew opened his eyes again, he hadn’t yet smoothed away all the cracks in his apathetic mask. “Why is a man who doesn’t swing on Grindr,” he clarified.
“Oh,” Neil blinked, his brows furrowing. “Because you told me to come find you when I figured it out. So I did.”
“Neil,” and Andrew almost sounded pained, and Neil felt something fizz in his chest, anticipatory and borderline painful. “We live across the hall from each other. Why didn’t you come find me there?”
His mouth opened, but no words came out. That, now that it was out in front of him, spoken and real, seemed like a much better idea. He could have gone to Andrew months ago, and avoided everything else. Whatever was showing in his face made Andrew huff, amused. Neil memorized the sound, tucking it away under his ribs. An answering grin spread across his face, and he said, “I never claimed I was smart.”
“I should know better,” Andrew said. “You need everything spelled out for you.”
Reaching out, Neil plucked the last of the cigarette from Andrew’s unresisting figures, holding it close to inhale the smoke. “Sure,” he agreed easily. “But you don’t have to.”
“I never have to do anything,” Andrew said, and Neil knows this. Every move Andrew made was calculated and chosen, even if his reasoning was his alone to understand.
“I know.”
Andrew hummed, and then there was a hand in Neil’s chest, a finger hooking through his shirt collar and tugging him closer. “So,” Andrew said, close enough to set Neil buzzing, “are you looking for a hookup?”
“Anything,” Neil said, because Andrew deserved honesty. “Anything you’re willing to give me.”
“Good.” Andrew’s lips pulled up in a barely there smile, hazel eyes bright, and the sight stole Neil’s heart from his chest. “Because I have a few ideas for us.”