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1. Simple plan
The first attempt was probably doomed from the start. But when Nate Ford had decided that you were mastermind enough to lead a team taking down some of the worst of the worst, a little hubris gathering around the edges of personal plans was understandable. Parker just thought it would work. It was tradition. It was Christmas. It was sparkly magic. It was about time that Hardison and Eliot stopped dancing around each other and K-I-S-S-E-D.
So when the rest of the decorating was mostly done, garlands of gems, ropes of pearls lashed around the apartment, Parker hung one last item: a delicate bunch of green leaves with berries like white opals nestled amongst them.
It didn't take much maneuvering to get Eliot and Hardison to stand underneath it while arguing about who was putting the star on the top of the tree.
"Look up," Parker said, her face creased into a smug smile.
"Oh, hey," Hardison said, smiling.
Eliot's face softened.
Then they shared their elaborate secret handshake, and clapped each other on the back before returning to their argument.
Parker briefly considered just smooshing their heads together. But no. They were being dense, but she'd get through to them.
2. Hot and bothered
Okay. So, some people might think that the end of a fight was poor timing. But Parker had figured it out. Heightened arousal of emotions was conducive to impulsive behaviour, and Hardison and Eliot fighting thugs back to back would get them both worked up. Hardison because, well, any fighting was still an adrenaline rush for him. Eliot because he didn't want Hardison taking any hits, and that would get his pulse pounding.
Was it evil mastermindery for her to plan for the job to go just wrong enough for this fight to happen?
No. It was practical mastermindery in a good cause. The cause of getting Parker's boys together so she could enjoy the results.
Festively dressed in a bold plaid jumpsuit, a sequined sweater featuring a glittery green snowflake on a red background, and a Santa hat, Parker was perched on a concrete ledge high in the empty parking garage where the fight should show up in three, two...
And there it was, one of the security guards stumbling backwards out of the door from the stairwell, reeling from Eliot's punch, with Hardison and two other guards tight on their heels. Eliot had his guy under control and was sweeping around to step in so Hardison only had one of them to deal with. Perfect.
Exactly as she'd calculated.
The door from the stairwell banged open again and a new fighter stepped out. Dressed in black and all muscular curves. Parker winced. Maybe not exactly as she'd calculated; they had no idea that Mikel Dayan was working for the target. That was going to make the fight a lot more interesting.
And potentially the aftermath of the fight if Eliot got distracted by his old flame. There was to be no kissing foreign assassins under Parker's mistletoe.
Sighing, Parker dropped down out of her hiding place to join the fray.
Whether the security guards or Hardison looked more stunned to see an apparition in red and green descending from above was hard to say.
3. Down in front
Hardison and Eliot were next to each other on the couch watching Sunday football on the big screen. They were two beers in and yelling. Parker normally found somewhere much quieter to be on football days, but this had to be the perfect opportunity. She lowered herself down until her elf hat was dangling in their peripheral vision.
"No."
"No!"
Was the simultaneous response. Not the perfect time, then. Parker reeled herself back up and went to sulk.
4. Sleigh bells ring
While Portland was lacking the necessary weather for Parker's preferred white Christmas, a little way up into the Cascades it was cold enough to leave everything under a soft, crisp layer of snow that sparkled in the morning light.
Hardison had found a small tree farm running a Winter Wonderland event. All around were families. Little children in snowsuits that made them look like starfish. Parents who looked like they regretted how much sugar they'd put into the children. Couples with romance in their eyes and frost on their breath.
There was a reindeer petting zoo and a café selling mulled wine and cider, hot chocolate, and all sorts of Christmas cookies and treats. And then there were twelve acres of paths in the cut-your-own-tree part of the farm to walk through, the falling snow still fresh and crunchy underfoot.
Hardison and Eliot both had large cups of mulled cider in their hands, while Parker had chosen hot chocolate. The candy-cane red and white striped paper cup matched her elf dress and stockings perfectly. (Although Eliot had insisted that she wear snow boots, not curly toed slippers.) Eliot and Hardison were loudly discussing who would get to chop the tree down once they'd found the perfect one.
It was a beautiful moment, and to make it even better, Parker spied a large growth of dwarf mistletoe on a Douglas Fir.
"Look!" she said, bouncing as she pointed up at it, "Mistletoe!"
Hardison and Eliot looked up to where she was pointing.
"Arceuthobium douglasii!" a voice came from behind them on the path.
They turned around to see a short, sturdy woman in a sweatshirt that read "If You Were a Plant I'd Remember Your Name" approaching them.
"Look at that beauty of a specimen!" the woman said, clapping her gloved hands, "see how the host tree has deformed there, making that distinctive witch's broom growth of twigs! Gosh, I'd like to get a sample of that. You know, mistletoe is one of the most important economic diseases of these firs?"
Another woman came hurrying up to them, throwing her arm around the mistletoe enthusiast's shoulders.
"Lavanya," she scolded in a light tone, "you're doing it again. Not everyone wants to hear about the parasitic plants of the Pacific Northwest."
The woman named Lavanya blushed and ducked her head, "oh I am so sorry! I got carried away."
Eliot smiled warmly, "No problem, ma'am," he said, "always nice to hear someone talk about what they love."
"Don't let her get started on Bastard Toad-Flax," Lavanya's partner said with a fond smile.
"Well, we'd better let you get on with your tree hunt," Lavanya said, leaning into her partner's embrace.
"Y'all have a good time," Hardison said, waving the couple on their way.
Parker's mouth twisted in frustration: the mistletoe moment had passed.
5. If you can't stand the heat (get out of the kitchen)
"I asked for Italian parsley, are you trying to poison us all?" Eliot said, tossing the mistletoe Parker dangled over him into the compost bucket.
6. Presents under the tree
It wasn't that Parker was less excited than usual about Christmas morning. After all, PRESENTS!
It was just that she was disappointed that her plan hadn't come to fruition. She'd given it enough attempts to see that it just wasn't going to work.
Which meant going back to the drawing board. She was sure that Eliot should get together with Hardison and by transitive property with her. But it was more important to get Hardison and Eliot to kiss first, because she already knew what she wanted, they were the ones being stupid and slow about things.
Eliot was already in the kitchen making batter for waffles when she got up. Quiet choral music played in the background and the air smelled of spices, molasses, pears poaching in wine.
Hardison followed her out of their bedroom, soft and sleep ruffled, wearing the pajamas she'd given him the night before. He leaned down to kiss her on the forehead.
"Merry Christmas," he said.
He looked across at Eliot.
"Hey El, I think we should give Parker her present now."
Eliot wiped his hands on the dishcloth slung over his shoulder.
"That'd be a good start to the day," he said, smile warming his voice.
Parker fizzed with anticipation. They usually did the presents after breakfast, a concession Eliot demanded after the second year that Parker got absolutely no sleep after opening her presents on Christmas Eve.
It went Christmas Eve dinner, sleep, breakfast at a leisurely pace that drove Parker mad, then tearing into all the gifts under the tree.
Eliot picked up a smallish, heavy box wrapped in gold paper. It hadn't been there the night before when Parker had systematically shaken every present.
"This is from both of us," Hardison said.
Parker pulled the ribbon off the box, and tore the paper. The box under the paper was made of plywood. She slid the lid off to find museum quality packing foam, covered in tightly woven nylon fabric. Carefully, she pried the top layer of foam off. It had been cut into shape to protect the object in the box.
With a gasp, Parker gently lifted the present out of its nest.
Light sparkled through the object, the blinking tree lights catching it in glimmering movement that almost made it look alive.
It was an ornament, the base a rock crystal vase from which a golden stem rose. Branching off smaller stems were pairs of green leaves carved from translucent, vividly green jade. Clusters of luminous moonstone berries hung at the base of the leaves.
"This is..." Parker trailed off, staring at the ornament in wonder.
"The Fabergé mistletoe ornament, yeah," Eliot said.
"You stole this for me?" Parker said in a hushed squeak.
"We might not be masterminds but it was hard not to notice what you were up to, babe," Hardison said, laughter underlying his words.
"You ain't subtle, sweetheart," Eliot said, "so we thought this would be the right present for you."
"Why don't you go ahead and hold it over us?" Hardison nodded at the mistletoe ornament.
Parker wasted no time making an acrobatic leap from floor, to table, to bookshelf, to ceiling beam, until she was dangling over Eliot.
Hardison sauntered across the room, stepping in close to Eliot and putting an arm around him to use his height advantage to dip Eliot. Eliot went with it, leaning back and turning his face up to Hardison's. Parker had the perfect angle from above to see as their lips met in a warm, sweet, soft kiss.
