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i.
He doesn't remember the first time he meets her -- it could've been when he accidentally bumped into her on his way to his first class of the third week of his first year, albeit a little late, a stammered apology rushing out of his mouth before she could even say anything. It could've been then - when he stopped to help gather her books up and hand them to her, when he glanced up into red eyes, and when his breath got caught in his throat by the sheepish look on her face.
Rei couldn't say anything then, he remembers, only stumbling upon his words as he scrambled to form another proper apology, as if him bumping into her was a much more dramatic thing than it actually was, and all Rei remembers is trying to get the words out, failing to say how sorry he was and making himself late even more to class than he already was.
He doesn't remember if that's the first time he meets her but he does remember it as being the first time he had seen her smile, even if it was a small chuckle out of her lips -- almost as if she was trying to not laugh at loud at him. It made him even more flustered, his hands failing to grip the textbooks that they held, his palms a little sweaty when she dismissed his apology with a simple 'it's fine!' in a voice so smooth that it kind of made his knees go weak.
And then he recalls her just leaving in a flurry of red and gray, not even stopping to help him or to thank him or anything. Rei didn't mind at all, more so trying to figure out when his stomach got tied up in knots and his face grew so hot.
He didn't make it to his first class that day, instead he went to the nurse complaining of heart palpitations and an nervous stomach.
ii.
Rei thinks there might be something silly about the fact that he doesn't really spend time watching the others at swim practice.
He knows that he should because there are some valuable things he could learn, things like new techniques that they couldn't teach him -- maybe new ways to dive or to swim, maybe he could even try to imitate one of their strokes to get a better handle on something that wasn't the butterfly.
He gets that these are probably all facts and information he could gather up for future practices, when there isn't a meet looming over their heads and he has time, but he can't seem focus on any of them today.
No, he finds that the true center of his focus -- of all his attention -- is on their manager.
Kou is straight across from him, standing at the edge of the pool and chatting quite happily with Amakata-sensei.
These past few weeks have all been the same; his concentration has somehow ended up on her every swim practice and he hasn't really understood exactly why. It's ridiculous, he knows, to stare so blatantly at her as if he's trying to figure something out about her --
(and he is, he's trying to figure out why every time he looks at her and she looks back, his heart skips a beat and his mouth gets so dry that he can barely speak. How he feels nauseous but in a good way, something that sparks fluttering in his belly and a growing warmth in his chest)
-- and he just hopes that she doesn't notice, or the others don't notice because it's confusing enough that Kou can elicit these response from his body without his consent. He can't imagine the level of humiliation he would have to endure if they found out.
(Not that Rei's been subtle about his staring, really. He knows he hasn't but he can't bring himself to stop.)
"Rei-chan's staring at Gou-chan again!" Nagisa exclaims all of the sudden from the deeper part of the pool, bringing Rei out of his thoughts so suddenly. He sputters, flushing all the way up to his ears at the accusations.
"I was -- I was not!" Rei exclaims, more than embarrassed to being caught but he doesn't chance a glance at Kou, in case she heard or did see all his attention on her but he doesn't have to worry, at least not now, because Kou is reprimanding Nagisa like she usually does -- with a stern 'It's Kou!' and the usual scold of yelling loudly in the pool area.
He takes the time to dip into the pool, away from the knowing looks of his senpais and his sensei, tries not to see the brief look Kou throws at him with that high blush on her cheeks as if it embarrassed her as much as it did him, definitely tries to not notice the way his heart squeezes and his chest fills with that warmth from it either.
Rei doesn't understand what that means but he's not quite sure he dislikes the feeling at all.
iii.
Rei doesn't really know what possessed him to blurt out an invitation to Kou to dinner. He doesn't get what consumed him to ask her out so suddenly on a date, like it was the next logical step in their friendship.
The fact that she had brighten up nearly immediately after he did so -- causing Rei to stop in awe at the beauty of her smile -- makes him truly realise that whatever this is, has been building up for the last year in their friendship without his knowledge.
He doesn't really mind, he thinks.
But standing there, in the middle of the Matsuoka living room with Rin staring at him as if he might attack him if he moves wrong and Matsuoka-san asking him too many questions about himself and the course of the night, really sets his nerves on edge and makes him wonder if this is the right thing.
Rei can't answer the questions Matsuoka-san is throwing at him so quickly, stumbling over his words and hardly able to piece together a formal sentence through his internal panicking. He might have screwed up on the first impression point because the questions are slowly trailing off and Matsuoka-san doesn't look the least bit impressed with him at all.
But it's when she smiles, so bright and charming like her daughter, that he thinks he might have done alright because she simply pats him on the cheek, and wishes him the best of luck tonight. It takes a small weight off his shoulders, the utter approval of Kou's mother making it a bit easier to digest the whole situation.
At least he knows one more Matsuoka that has taken a liking to him.
Though, Matsuoka-san goes to leave the room -- 'to grab something really quick!' she states -- leaving him alone with Rin.
Which is a terrible idea, he knows, because Rin is still glaring at him and it sparks up the anxious ball of nerves in the pit of his stomach even more. He doesn't even say anything, stares at Rei as if he's trying to convey all his big brother intentions through the look in his eyes.
It kind of really scares Rei.
Rin doesn't have any time to say anything, and Rei doesn't have any time to dwell on whatever possible murderous intent that Rin has over Rei dating his younger sister, because the stairs in front of him creak from the weight of another human being and it makes him look up and over in that direction.
His breath gets caught in his throat nearly instantly at the sight of Kou descending down them, ready for their date.
Rei's eye follow the way her hair is covering her shoulders in waves, curled and falling like a wave of burgundy. The simplicity of her makeup highlights each and every corner of her round face, brightening the redness of her eyes and the apples of her cheeks. It's strange, seeing her out of her usual uniform and in a pink dress that accents each and every curve of her body.
He feels a bit too hot all over, his suit feeling a tight on his body, and when she smiles at him -- captivating and dazzling like usual -- Rei thinks he might have signed his fate early in his life but he doesn't mind, can't bring himself to mind when she steps up to him, gazing at him as if he might be the only one that matters in the room.
So, he smiles back at her and lets the light of her smile spread all throughout him.
iv.
He's never been good at feelings; whether it's analyzing them and separating them to figure them out, or even to put into words exactly how he feels.
Rei's never been an emotional person, never once thought of himself as such -- though Nagisa would disagree with that, as many times as Rei's cried in front of them.
But he doesn't see that as being emotional, as a person at least. He knows very well how to show such emotions, when and where to do it; but when it comes to actually figuring them out, well, he has extreme trouble in that department.
So, it isn't any surprise when their first fight comes in the form of that argument.
It's a messy blur of accusations and insecurities, a bit of crying from Kou since Rei can't do anything but stand there and stare at her, a little dumbfounded by her words.
Rei was a little more reluctant to even begin this conversation when she had approached him in the first place, wanting to 'just talk.'
Rei's seen enough of his mother's dramas to really know what that means. It means this talk was going to end up with more than just talking -- a whole conversation about feelings and emotions that Rei quite hasn't figured out how to decipher yet is what it turned out to be.
There's an itch under his skin, unbearable and frustrating, when she had confessed that she felt their relationship was one-sided; that she wasn't entirely sure that this was a good idea if effort wasn't being put in from both of them.
(Rei honestly hadn't known what to say, really. He's given her gifts and bought her dinner, took her out on dates and kissed her when she asked and held her hand when she wanted, did all the things that he was supposed to do as a boyfriend, did all the things that those glossy magazines and TV shows had told him to do.)
He knows that he isn't very good at this, this whole dating thing, he's never had a relationship before -- not even one of those crushes in elementary school that barely lasted the week.
So, no, it isn't any surprise when Kou tells him this, confesses all this, but then confesses that she's not sure if Rei feels anything for her.
That's the thing that makes him stop short because it isn't true, he knows, but he knows that she doesn't know because Rei's never been good at words and every time he tries, he trips over his tongue and forgets how to talk because of her.
Even now, watching her try to hold back the tears as she tries to decide the fate of their relationship, Rei doesn't know what to say.
He wants to tell her how much adores her, how she brilliantly smiles, cries at the silliest movies. How she mothers over Rin when he's around, mothers the whole swim team really, and how she's got a kind heart but still can stand on her own and be independent.
He wants to tell her how much admires her strength and courage, how he enjoys that little snort she does when she laughs too hard or when she subconsciously checks out his deltoids to make sure he's keeping up with their shape; how her good night texts give him the best dreams and how her good morning texts put a smile on his face every morning.
And he wants to tell her all these things, all the little things he likes about her and wants to continue to discover.
But when he opens his mouth, the only thing he can say -- the only thing he can blurt out -- is, "I love you."
He doesn't even realise he's said it until she's looking at him, wide-eyed and blurred tears, and that's when he comprehends the words that just came out of his mouth.
They stare at each other for the longest time, both of them looking bewildered at the confession but Rei decides that, yes, those are truly the words that he needs right now.
"Matsuoka Kou," he starts, voice wavering just the slightest but he stands tall and proud -- proud to finally find the thing that he needs, the words -- before continues on, "I love you."
She still stares at him and it doesn't make him as nervous as he thought because the recognition of his true feelings -- that spacey feeling he gets in his head whenever she's around, like he's lost in the clouds and he doesn't want to come back down, or how his palms always seem to sweat and his heart goes numb with affection -- eases a lot of tension in his shoulders, some from his chest and lets him breathe a little easier.
He doesn't understand what's happening at first but all of the sudden he's at eye level with her, with her fist grasp tightly in the fabric of his shirt and she's still staring at him, eyes frantically searching his gaze as if she's going to find out that this is all a lie.
"...Is that true?" asks Kou, a little timidly and Rei can only nod dumbly because, yes yes yes yes it's true and he'll say it a thousand times over if he has to.
There's another pause, nothing as great as the last time, before Kou's pulling him down the rest of the way and pressing her lips against his in a kiss that should be considered a little frantic but it's not -- it's nothing but a slow movement, a bare press of mouth against mouth as Rei breathes in the heated air of her breath and feels the smile creep across her lips.
His skin breaks out in goosebumps and his chest fills with a pleasant, tight feeling - overcoming with such a warm amount of affection that he can't stand it, can't hardly stand how she whispers how she loves him back and when he pulls away to look at her, he can't help simply smiling at her in the same manner that she does him.
So, he just kisses her again, says it to her again as if the words will never die from his lips, and lets the warm feeling spread through out his whole body from his toes to the tips of his fingers and back again.