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“Would they like me?”
A pause, contemplative.
“Do they like me? Or, do they have any particular… Opinions, about me?”
Caitlyn’s tone is hesitant, curious.
Jinx knows Caitlyn to be curious, but her hesitance is something new.
Jinx takes the hesitance, molds it into something she can see in her minds’ eye, and studies it.
Caitlyn isn’t hesitant out of fear, Jinx is sure. Caitlyn doesn’t fear her.
(Sometimes she wonders if Caitlyn fears anything, wonders what she might fear, wonders if it’s all just hidden under Caitlyn’s practiced poker face and poise.)
Caitlyn has always made it clear to Jinx; she is not someone to fear, not in Caitlyn’s eyes.
You’re not a monster, she would say, and she’d sound so sure of herself, so convincing, so certain Jinx wouldn’t put a bullet through her skull within a moment if she made a single incorrect move.
(Jinx could do it. They both knew she could. Perhaps Caitlyn was painstakingly aware of the fact that Jinx could do it. Perhaps she was even more aware of the fact that, despite being fully capable of doing such a thing, Jinx wouldn’t. She wouldn’t, because of so many reasons.)
(Claggor would become upset; he’s fond of Caitlyn, Jinx thinks, if only because Caitlyn does her best to acknowledge him alongside the others. )
(Mylo would - he would - what would he do? Would he laugh? Would he scoff? Would he taunt Jinx, would he remind her that it was her fault, that she was a jinx, that she was the jinx, would he feel joy as she shot Caitlyn right between the eyes? Would he watch an enforcer die with a cruel smile, or would he remain neutral? Jinx assumed he would laugh.)
( Always laughing. )
(Vi would be devastated, she was fairly certain. Which Vi - that was what stumped her. She was sure Vi - the real one, the one who hugged her so so tightly when Jinx allowed it - would be hurt, maybe devastated; she loved Caitlyn, so why wouldn’t she be? But Vi - the fake one, the one who only stuck around to whisper to her - would she feel anything? Would she feel anger, or sadness? Would she continue whispering, or would she fade away to give herself the privacy to mourn? Jinx wondered, she wondered so much, because when the real Vi had left - had been taken , Claggor reminded her - the fake one had taken up the empty space, had filled in the void in Jinx’s mind and had whispered to her, had promised to be there even when Vi - the real one, the one Jinx always missed even when they were seated close together - wasn’t. Would that Vi leave her too, if she ever were to shoot Caitlyn between the eyes, if she ever were to take the topsider’s life despite all Caitlyn had done for her?)
(She would never shoot Caitlyn.)
(Still, she wondered.)
Caitlyn didn’t fear her, so it was safe to assume she didn’t hesitate out of fear.
Jinx pursed her lips, considering the thought that maybe Caitlyn didn’t know what she wanted to say for only a heartbeat before she dismissed it; Caitlyn always knew exactly what she wanted to say.
(Well, she did unless Vi caught her off guard with some gross flirt or something, and even then she was usually able to stay as composed as ever, her fluster only made obvious by the way her cheeks turned an extremely dark red against her pale skin.)
She let out a quiet “ humph ” without really meaning to as she attempted to decipher the source of Caitlyn’s hesitance, and it was then Caitlyn broke through the silence that had settled between the two.
“Jinx-? I’m sorry, should I not have asked that? I know you don’t always like talking about them - your voices.”
Oh.
So that’s what this was about.
Jinx mentally stored away the information - Caitlyn was hesitant to bring up her voices.
(Mylo laughed. Always laughing. Jinx grit her teeth, her jaw tensing at the sound, before she remembered Caitlyn was watching her closely, because that’s how Caitlyn was, observant observant observant , and she relaxed, forcing her eyes away from Mylo’s silhouette to meet Caitlyn’s eyes.)
Caitlyn looked nervous, almost.
Jinx would guess that Caitlyn wasn’t actually nervous, just antsy, maybe.
Caitlyn had said to her before, on a day when the voices had been screaming over each other, demanding her attention, “I would never bring up something you don’t want to talk about. We will always talk about things you want to talk about. Whatever we do, we do at your pace. That, and I will never cross your boundaries, not if I can help it. All I ask from you is that you tell me if I ever cross a line, okay? ”
When they did this - this whole talking thing, that Caitlyn said would maybe help Jinx feel better on some days (and did make her feel better, on some days) - they usually spoke of Jinx’s past, or how she was feeling in the present.
When they spoke of her voices, of Mylo and Claggor and Vi and Vander, and more recently, Silco, they spoke vaguely, and the conversations didn’t usually last long.
(Jinx usually stopped talking, and Caitlyn never forced her to continue. Jinx liked that about her. Caitlyn stayed true to her word.)
( Whatever we do, we do at your pace. )
(Sometimes, Vi would come into her room to talk to her. Most days, their talks were easy, casual, an echo of the conversations they’d shared when they were younger, but some days, they were more difficult. Vi always wanted to know more, always wanted to help, and though Jinx knew her sister had her best interests in mind, sometimes she pushed too much, asked one question too many, brought up something that hurt , even if it wasn’t meant to. Jinx didn’t blame Vi for these occasions, but it was still nice talking to someone who didn’t talk to her because they were getting paid, but because they wanted to know her, wanted to help, but didn’t pry, didn’t push.)
(Caitlyn was more often than not that someone, and Jinx was okay with that, because Caitlyn was probably the nicest topsider there was.)
Now, Jinx guessed Caitlyn’s hesitance came from her lack of knowledge about the others.
At best, Caitlyn knew their names. She knew Vi existed in the depths of Jinx’s mind and was the one who was always encouraging, always kind, always distant. She knew Mylo had been the one to always critique her when she’d been Powder.
( Powder is dead , Jinx would remind Caitlyn whenever her younger self was brought up. Caitlyn would always nod, looking contemplative, and then say something in her damn topsider accent that made Powder’s lack of existence seem okay.)
Jinx snapped back to the present when Caitlyn shifted, her hands clasped and fingers fidgeting slightly, almost unnoticeably.
“Mylo hates you, I think.”
Her answer was honest, probably brutally honest, but that only seemed to help Caitlyn relax.
The woman chuckled quietly.
“Fair enough,” was her response, and Jinx nodded, snickering under her breath, because it was a fair opinion, and they both knew it.
“What about Claggor?”
The boy in question perked up at the mention of his name.
Mylo scoffed, arms crossed over his chest.
Jinx decided to ignore him.
“Claggor likes you. And he likes all the books you gave me. I think once he complimented your accent. ‘M not sure though.”
Claggor didn’t offer an answer, only watched the two women curiously, his lips quirked upwards the slightest bit.
Caitlyn’s tone was lighter, still curious, still a hint hesitant, but lighter.
“Well I’ll take it. From what you’ve told me, it’s a good thing he likes me.”
Jinx nods, because it is.
“Vander doesn’t talk much. Not to me, or the others.” She pauses there, feeling a familiar sort of grief surge up inside of her as it always does when she thinks of the man at the edges of her mind. Such a large, intimidating figure, always shrouded in shadows, his face usually hidden by frantic scribbles, his voice muffled even on the days he shouts. “I think he would’ve liked you. Would’ve liked how you and Vi are. Would’ve appreciated that she’s got someone else in her corner.”
Would’ve , because even the voice in her head seemed like an empty husk compared to the man that she had once known as her father.
She could feel the way her body twitched as the man turned at the mention of his name.
He uttered no words, and his face remained the blank canvas it had always been.
Jinx felt a chill along her spine as the man turned away.
Caitlyn’s quiet hum accompanied his departure as he escaped her view, hiding himself away behind the shadows of her mind and memory.
“Vi’s told me stories.” Caitlyn’s voice is hushed, as if they’re surrounded by ghosts, as if the world is demanding silence, but she still needs to speak, and this is how she respects the silence.
(Technically, they are surrounded by ghosts.)
(Jinx chooses not to think about that.)
“She’s told me about Vander. How he protected the people of the Lanes for as long as he was looked to as a leader. How he earned the respect people gave him, when he could’ve beat it out of people. She told me he chose peace over violence. It sounds like he was a good man.”
Vi makes him out to be some type of hero, Jinx thinks as Caitlyn speaks.
Maybe to her he was, but to Jinx he had always just been a father.
A damn good one at that.
“He was a great man.” She says quietly, and Caitlyn nods and accepts that as the fact it is.
Her thoughts flicker back and forth between Vander and Silco.
Both of them had been her fathers.
(She wonders if it’s odd, to love them both so dearly when they had seemed to only hate each other in the end.)
The quiet lingers when she next speaks.
“Silco doesn’t talk much either. I think he likes to let everyone else do the talking. It’s - it’s like he’s trying to keep the cards close to his chest.” Like he used to .
The words remain unsaid.
Caitlyn tilts her head, appearing thoughtful, but doesn’t offer any comments.
Jinx presses on, “And I think Vi… the fake one,” she adds, because the two are too different, she has to be sure it’s known that they’re different.
(One always close, sometimes too close, always reaching out, sometimes trying to reach back in time, sometimes trying so hard to focus on the present. Always encouraging, always bleeding knuckles and soft, tight hugs that leave Jinx feeling warm and protected or smothered with no in between.)
(One always distant, always encouraging, always just out of reach, just out of sight, always an echo of the past, but never straying from her mind. She’s always there but never is close enough.)
“I think she loves you the same way Vi does,” (close, too close, reaching, focusing , too much and then too little and then too much- ) “just… It’s different. ‘Cause it’s like… I dunno, you said it’s my version of her, right?”
Caitlyn hesitated.
(She didn’t hesitate, she only took a moment to think. Caitlyn didn’t hesitate. Not around Jinx, not around anyone, really.)
(Jinx felt like the silence between her question and Caitlyn’s answer lasted an eternity.)
(Her fists clenched.)
(Claggor chided her, his voice distant as he told her to be patient , and she was being patient! She felt irritation bubble up for a moment, and then fade away just as rapidly, because Caitlyn was opening her mouth and she was answering Jinx’s question and Jinx wanted to listen.)
“I think the Vi you hear-”
“The fake one,” she interjects, because she has to.
“The fake one,” Caitlyn agrees easily, as she always does, and for that Jinx feels the smallest flash of warmth, the word nice flitting through her mind briefly, “is like… I don’t know, exactly…” Caitlyn’s eyebrows furrow, and Jinx watches as the woman thinks over her words carefully.
(She’s always careful when it comes to Jinx. Jinx appreciates it, a little bit, because she knows Caitlyn isn’t careful because she’s scared, but because she doesn’t want to say the wrong thing. Caitlyn always tries to say the right thing, and Jinx appreciates that.)
“I think it’s like Vi, the fake one, is supposed to be your positive thoughts, in a way. She encourages you, makes sure you do things to keep yourself safe, she tells you to be careful. She points out good things for you to focus on, right?”
Jinx nods, and Caitlyn imitates the action subconsciously, furrowed brows relaxing as her reply seems to satisfy Jinx.
“Yeah… Yeah, she’s - she’s all positive ‘n stuff,” Jinx agrees slowly, before she switches back to her prior train of thought.
“I think that… Well, I think I think she loves you ‘cause I see Vi loves you. But I dunno.” A shrug. “She usually just focuses on me.”
Caitlyn nods, and in her eyes Jinx can read the words, ‘ that’s alright, that’s perfectly alright, ’ as if they’re written on a piece of paper. If anything, now it seems Caitlyn is the one satisfied with her answer, and the two share a small smile after a moment of being caught in their own thoughts.
Silence follows, and it sits, and Jinx listens for a noise, but none come. The others remain silent as well, waiting, watching.
(Claggor seems content to sit in the silence, but he usually is, so Jinx doesn’t pay him much attention.)
(Mylo is probably waiting for her to say something stupid, to slip up, to do something that he can laugh at - alwayslaughingalwayslaughing - so Jinx ignores him.)
(Vander, Silco and Vi sit in the silence too, but the air around each of them is tense. They, like Mylo, are all waiting. Jinx doubts they’re waiting for the same things as Mylo, though.)
She’s almost surprised when Caitlyn breaks the silence first.
“Well…” She begins, tugging at the edge of her shirt as she moves to stand, “Thank you, Jinx.”
Her voice is warm, and Jinx can feel the warmth seep into her, and she can imagine her ice cold hands warming too, spreading her fingers as if that’ll help heat them up.
Caitlyn offers her a smile when Jinx looks to her.
She furrows her brows, “What for?”
Caitlyn’s smile widens, just a tiny bit, and her answer comes easily, as if she expected the question.
(Maybe she did. That seems in-character, for Caitlyn to be one step ahead of her now that the serious talking is probably over and done with; Caitlyn has always seemed to be the best out of her, Jinx and Vi, when it comes to talking. She knows how to talk with people, no matter who they are. Jinx thinks she likes that about the topsider.)
“Thank you for sharing - about them. How they feel about me and all that. It may sound a bit silly, but I find it nice to know that they like me. Well, most of them, anyway”
Maybe it was silly, but Jinx didn’t laugh. She only tilted her head curiously, nodding in response, and watched as Caitlyn gave a quiet farewell before she left, off to do whatever she did when she wasn’t with Vi and Jinx, or just Vi, or just Jinx.
She glanced at the others when the door to her room clicked shut.
They all looked back, and for a moment things stood still.
Then, Mylo chuckled - about what, Jinx wasn’t sure, but she scoffed at him anyways - and the others looked away, and Jinx picked up the book she had been reading earlier before Caitlyn had knocked and entered the room to talk.
Claggor sat down next to her, eyeing the book in her hands eagerly, and as they continued reading, Jinx found herself glad that they liked Caitlyn.
She liked Caitlyn, so she only found it fitting that her voices liked her too.
Most of them, anyway.