Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jake had a problem. And when you said that he had a problem, you really meant that he had a problem. The "I seriously need a lot of therapy" kind of problem. 

But unfortunately, you were pretty sure that there weren't any therapy options available for cats. Not that you knew of, anyway. 

You see, Jake had a weird fixation with…well. There was no polite way to put this, really. Jake, your lovable furball of a cat, had a strange obsession with stealing your clothes. Socks, shirts, underwear….everything! You'd lost count of the number of times that you'd had to go digging around the house just to find your favourite shirt or your comfortable pair of pants. To put it simply, Jake was an incorrigible clothes-hoarding little thief. But you loved him, despite his numerous (and perhaps irredeemable) flaws. He was your kitty; and of course, that cuteness factor was really tipping things in his favour. One cute little "meow" from him and you were practically melting into a puddle of goop on the floor. 

You always knew that he was up to no good whenever the house got too quiet. Because then you'd see a flash of grey and white, and you'd know that the shameless little bastard had struck again. Jake, of course, was wholly unrepentant of his actions, no matter how many stern talking-to's he received. Some of your clothes had never actually been retrieved, and were probably rotting away in whatever little nest he'd made. You'd resigned yourself to never seeing them again, and mourned them as being forever lost to the void. Jake's nasty little habits had, in a way, numbed you to whatever new antics that he came up with- so much so that you didn't even feel surprised by the things that he did anymore. 

So it didn't come as a particularly huge shock to you when you came home one day and found your neighbour chasing after Jake in the apartment corridor, trying to get his underwear back. 

*****

Sans had been having a perfectly lovely afternoon, until that deplorable creature had shown up and promptly stolen his underwear. 

Where to begin?

Well, he was drinking a cup of tea, slowly flipping through a new book that he'd picked up at the store, when he heard a strange shuffling sound in the room. Looking up, he saw a fuzzy blob of colour explode from one corner of the room, dragging behind it a very familiar-looking piece of clothing. It all happened so quickly that he barely had any time to process, before the nasty little thing had bolted out his window. Sans just sat there, mouth agape, as he watched the furry little robber triumphantly make off with its haul. 

But he didn't remain that way for long. 

Soon, he was dashing out of the house, chasing after whatever had stolen his underwear. The agile little thing darted over to your house, and Sans followed it without a moment's hesitation. 

So there they stood, the cat holding a pair of garishly-coloured boxers in its mouth and staring defiantly at Sans, while Sans glared right back, hands on his hips. The cat made its move. It was a quick, slippery little opponent; not even Sans' gravity attacks would work on it- it was just too fast for him. The cat ducked and twisted between Sans' legs, making him trip and curse loudly. 

Then he heard a light tap of shoes against the floor, and what sounded like a muffled laugh. 

Sans whipped his head around, eyelights blazing dangerously, ready to murder whoever had the gall to laugh at his plight, when he heard them speak up. 

"H-hey, so, uh…I'm guessing my cat stole something from you?" 

*****

You bit your lip. Don't laugh don't laugh don't laugh-

"Oh, No, It Just Came By And Borrowed That Pair Of Boxers From Me, Which Is Why I'm Chasing It Around Outside Your Apartment Right Now," the skeleton replied evenly. 

"Really?" You asked, watching your cat walk up to you with a look of pride on its face. 

"No, You Idiot! He Stole It From Me!" The skeleton shrieked, evidently appalled that anyone could actually be as stupid as you were being right now. 

"Oh. Okay. Whoops," you replied sheepishly, bending down to greet your cat. Jake was happily trying to show you his new loot, pawing at your skirt in an attempt to get your attention. 

You took one look at the underwear and burst into laughter. 

*****

Sans watched, offended, as you went into a fit of hysterics after seeing his boxers. 

"What's So Funny?!" He demanded, pointing accusingly at you. 

You wheezed, gesturing at the pair of boxers. 

"Wh-why the heck does it say 'juicy' on the ass?" 

Sans glanced down at the pair of boxers that the cat was currently holding aloft in its mouth. 

Oh. It's THAT pair. 

He sighed loudly. 

"...If It Would Please You To Know, My Brother Got Them For Me As A Joke. Now, Are You Going To Help Me Get Them Back From Your Cat, Or Are You Going To Just Stay There And Laugh?" 

Wiping the tears from your eyes, you bent down and tried to tug the boxers away from Jake. He held on. You tugged a little harder. Still he bit down on them, pulling them away from you. You frowned, giving Jake a stern look. 

"Bad boy. Give it to me."

Jake hissed angrily at you, then turned tail and fled. You watched as he ran through the cat flap and disappeared, leaving it to swing back and forth wildly from his mad dash into your house. 

"You Are The First Person I Have Ever Seen To Go Against A Cat And Lose," Sans commented. 

You shrugged. 

"How many people have you actually seen that have gone against cats and won?" 

Sans narrowed his eyes at you. You could practically see the cogs turning in his head as he tried to think of a proper reply to your question. Walking over to your door, you casually unlocked it, waving at him to join you inside. "We can find Jake and get your stuff back from him here. He's got a lot less places to run to in my house."

"...Jake?"

"Yeah? My cat?" 

"You Named Your Cat Jake?" 

"Yes?" 

"...Why Would You Name Your Cat Jake?" 

You shrugged. 

"Why not? I mean, what else am I supposed to name my cat? Brownie? Milkshake? Teacup? Armchair? Table? Collin?" 

"..."

You felt like Sans was judging you. You turned to peek at his face. 

….yeah, he's definitely judging me. 

You waved towards your door. 

"Anyway, Jake's inside. You can go chase after him there."

"Very Well, Since You Obviously Can't Control Your Own Cat."

"...I don't think anyone can."

Sans sniffed. 

"We'll See About That."

*****

Sans strode into your house, looking for the furry little ball of evil. 

He heard a purr, and looked down to see the very animal winding through his legs. 

"You! Go Fetch Whatever You Stole From Me, You Blasted Animal!" Sans commanded. He watched your face morph into one of surprise as your cat obediently wandered off, meowing loudly. He shot you a smug look. 

"He's never done that before," you mumbled. 

Jake ran up to Sans again, yowling as he held up a pair of boxers in his mouth. You squinted. This pair looked…different. This pair of boxers had bright red and yellow flames blazing across the hem, and blocky letters stitched across the front that read, "RED-HOT". 

You snorted. 

Sans, on the other hand, was not amused. He scowled, roughly grabbing the boxers from Jake. 

"So That's Where They Went! I've Been Looking For Them All Week!" 

You were giggling so hard that you were pretty sure you couldn't even see straight anymore. Sans shot a disgusted glance in your direction. 

"Go Get Me The Other Pair, You Blighted Minion Of Satan," Sans grumbled. 

Jake mewed and darted off again. 

"You Own A Most Deplorable Creature For A Pet," Sans informed you, as if you didn't already know. 

Jake soon bounded out from god-knows-where again, this time holding….? 

Oh my gods. 

Sans had the most offended look on his face, and you couldn't help but dissolve into another fit of giggles as you watched him snatch the item from your cat's mouth. You collapsed onto the floor, almost bawling from laughter. 

"DO I LOOK LIKE I WEAR THESE?!" Sans screeched, shaking your bra in front of Jake's face. 

Jake tilted his head innocently. 

"You! How Dare You!" Sans scolded your cat, stomping his foot in indignation. 

You continued to laugh, rolling helplessly on the floor as you hugged at your sides. Sans glared poisonously at you. Hurling down the boxers that he was holding in his hands, he marched away from your cat in a fury. 

"You Stop That," he hissed angrily at you, turning on his heel and stalking out the house. He slammed the door behind him, making the wood tremble. 

You continued to snigger weakly, waving Jake over towards you. 

"C-come here, Jake….heh...oh my god…that was priceless…heh…" 

Jake meowed proudly, nuzzling you. 

"Yeah, yeah. You're hilarious, baby."

You looked over the collection of boxers that you'd managed to wrangle away from Jake's hoard. You were pretty sure that they belonged to Sans. Making up your mind, you decided to go over and ask if he'd lost any other sets. And also to get your bra back. Because, you'd soon noticed, Sans had unwittingly taken your bra with him in his fit of rage. 

Which was pretty funny, if you thought about it. 

*****

You were still giggling slightly when you rang their doorbell. A tall, tall, tall skeleton greeted you. Well. This must be Sans' brother, Papyrus. You'd seen him around once or twice before. 

"Hi," you greeted. "Is your brother home?" 

The skinny skeleton raised a brow at you, then twisted around to call into the house, "Yo, bro, there's someone at th' door for ya."

You heard the sound of the tiny tyrant's stomping before you actually saw him. His head popped out from behind his brother, and the scowl on his face grew even bigger upon seeing you. 

"What Do You Want?" he asked. 

"Ouch. Straight to the point, huh?" You joked. 

Sans just continued to glare at you. You rolled your eyes. 

"...can I have my bra back? You took it with you yesterday, and I kinda want it back."

You watched as Papyrus' sockets grew wider and wider as you spoke, and he began making little wheezing noises. Papyrus grabbed Sans by the shoulders, shaking him excitedly. 

"Oh my god. Bro. Bro. Did you two-?" 

"Shut Up, Brother. And Yes, You Can Have It Back. I Wasn't Planning To Keep It. I'm Not Some Kind Of Perverted Deviant, Thank You Very Much."

Sans dragged you into his house, pushing you onto the couch. 

"Stay There. I'll Go Get Your Things."

Papyrus headed over to the couch as well, an expression of pure glee on his face. 

"I can't believe he finally did it. M'so proud of him. Are ya friends, 'r somethin' more?" 

You wrinkled your nose. You had no idea what Papyrus was talking about, but at least he was friendly. 

"We only met officially yesterday. 'Friends' might be a bit of a stretch."

Papyrus gasped. 

"Scandalous. Didn't know m'bro would do that with a stranger."

"Hey, I'm not a stranger! I'm your neighbour!" You protested, even though you still didn't know what he was talking about. Sans chose that moment to come back into the room, throwing your bra at you. 

"Here."

"Thanks." You picked it off your face. "Hey, did you lose any other pairs of boxers? Because I have more."

Sans groaned. 

"Don't Tell Me. Jake Stole Them."

"Who's Jake?" Papyrus asked. 

Both of you opted to ignore him. 

"I'm Assuming You Have The Rest Of My Boxers, Then."

"Mhmm. Why do you even have so many? I thought that you said that they were given to you as a joke."

Sans sighed loudly. 

"This Idiot," he gestured in Papyrus' direction. Papyrus waved. "Bought Them As A Custom Set Of Ten."

Papyrus' face lit up. 

"Oh, yer talkin' 'bout those specialty boxers I got for ya? Man, those are amazin'."

"Yeah, Jake stole them from him."

Papyrus turned to you, puzzled. 

"Who's Jake, an' why's he stealin' m'bro's underwear?" 

"Oh, that. He's my cat. He has a thing for stealing people's clothes. He stole like, about half of Sans' boxers. Or more."

Papyrus snickered. 

"Those boxers are th' best. Have ya seen what's written on 'em?" 

You giggled. 

"Oh my god, yes. I think the pair that has 'juicy' on the ass is my favourite."

Papyrus reached over to give you a high five. Sans rolled his eyelights irritably. 

"Are You Quite Done Yet? I've Returned Your Things, So You Can Go Now."

You obligingly got up to go, but Papyrus grabbed you by the shoulders, yanking you back down onto the couch. 

"Aw, c'mon, bro. I wanna know how yer first time went!" 

"My What?" 

"Y'know!" Papyrus waved at you. Sans gagged. 

"Stars, Brother, No! I Did NOT Sleep With Her. I Took Her Things By Accident After The Incident With Her Cat, You Numbskull!"

Papyrus took a minute to process his words. 

"Oh." He visibly deflated. "Nevermind, then."

You patted him gently on the shoulder. 

"Cheer up; I'm sure it's not that bad."

"Ya don't get it. I've been tryin' ta get him laid for years. Literal years, lady," Papyrus told you dramatically, collapsing onto the sofa. 

"Aww. I'm sorry. Don't worry, I'm sure someone will sleep with him. Eventually."

You could feel Sans' glare worsening behind your back, and you chuckled nervously. 

"I'm Surrounded By Idiots," Sans hissed, whacking his brother on the head. Papyrus didn't even flinch, just reaching up to rub idly at his skull. 

"M'pretty sure she ain't an idiot," Papyrus interjected, nodding in your direction. 

Sans snorted. 

"You'd Be Dead Wrong To Think So, Brother."

Sans turned on you with a glare before you could even say anything, as if daring you to refute his words. 

"...yeah, I can't argue with that," you replied cheerfully, not even bothering to defend yourself. 

Sans just stared at you, utter disbelief written across his face. 

"You Are Absolutely Disappointing," he finally told you. You thought for a moment longer. 

"Yeah, can't argue with that either," you said. 

*****

Throwing all his boxers into the wash, you counted them out one by one. You had nine in total. But you were sure that you'd taken them all back from Jake. So where was the last one? You should have ten. 

Oh, well. Whatever. I tried. 

Humming to yourself, you examined each one before tossing it into the wash. Every single pair was the most awful, disgusting, and hilariously stupid thing that you'd ever seen. 

Besides the two pairs that had "juicy" and "red-hot" written across them, there was one all in pink- with delicate little hearts dotting the entire thing- and another one completely covered in lace. You weren't even sure why anyone would put lace on a pair of boxers, but you weren't going to question it. It was amazing, and you were loving every second of it. Other notable mentions were the pairs that had ridiculous things written across them, such as the one that was all black, with only a huge "NO" written across the front, and another that had "Don't Touch Me" written across the back. 

You didn't think you'd ever laughed so hard in your life. 

Jake came up to you at one point, meowing in distress as he watched you throw your clothes into the washing machine. 

"They're safe, don't worry," you assured him. Jake didn't seem to believe you. 

"I swear they're okay, baby. Promise. They're gonna be fine."

Jake turned and walked away. 

"Are you leaving me?" You called after him. He ignored you. 

"Come back, baby! Pleaseeeee? I love you!" 

Jake, heartless as ever, jumped up to sunbathe at the windowsill. You huffed. I can't believe I lost to a patch of sunlight. 

"Fine, be that way then. I'll just…stay over here and be lonely, I guess."

Jake's only reply to your guilt-tripping was the lazy flick of an ear, before he went right back to sunbathing. 

*****

You rang their doorbell. Papyrus answered it, this time greeting you with a lazy grin. 

"Whassup."

"Nothing much, really. I came to return Sans' boxers."

"Ohhh. Right. Those."

Papyrus ambled into the house, beckoning at you to follow him in. You plopped yourself onto the couch as you waited for Sans to show up. 

"What Now?" 

Ah, there he is. 

You held out the stack of clothing towards him. 

"I got the rest of them back from Jake. I remember you saying that they came in a set of ten. But, uh, I could only find nine? I don't know what happened to the last pair."

"He's wearin' 'em," Papyrus drawled. 

Sans shrieked in outrage at the comment, snatching his boxers from you and heading towards his room. 

"...heh. He didn't deny it," Papyrus observed. You looked towards Papyrus, your eyes wide. 

"I think you made your brother angry."

Papyrus waved it off. 

"Eh, he'll get over it."

Chapter Text

"Bro, oh my god. Ya won't believe this. I think I've just met th' love of my life." Sans gave Papyrus a pointed look. Papyrus continued to gush excitedly, "They're perfect. It's amazin'. I love them so much, ya don't even know. I would die fer them, that's how much I love 'em."

Sans wearily took a sip from his steaming mug of coffee. 

"Show Me The Cat, Brother."

Papyrus pulled Jake out excitedly, his eyelights sparkling. 

"He's the most precious thing I've ever seen, bro. M' in love."

Sans regarded Jake with a distinct air of disapproval. 

"...Disgusting."

Papyrus ignored him, cuddling an extremely satisfied Jake in his arms. 

"Who's a good kitty? Who's a good kitty?" He cooed, petting Jake's furry tummy. Jake let out a particularly loud, rumbling purr, making Papyrus gasp and press his face against Jake's fuzzy one. 

"Yer perfect. Yer my cat now. M'never lettin' you go."

There was a knock at their door. 

"Um, hello?" Your voice called from outside. "Just asking, but, uh, is Jake with you?" 

There was a pause. 

"He's mine now," Papyrus called back. 

"Oh." Another pause. "Well, uh, maybe we could reach a compromise? We could share him, if you want?" 

"Deal," Papyrus said immediately, opening the door. 

Jake had developed a habit of popping in on their house over the past few months, and you'd built up a friendly rapport with Papyrus over your common love for cats. With Sans...well, you couldn't exactly say the same. Sans had developed a…grudging tolerance for Jake. Which was good enough for you. Papyrus' enthusiasm for Jake whenever he dropped by for a visit was more than enough for the two of them.  

You walked in to see Jake happily trying to climb Sans like a scratching post, while Sans tried to shake him off with a disgruntled look on his face. 

"Awww. You're getting along so well!" You chirped, bending down to scratch Jake behind the ears. Jake mewed in reply, clawing his way up to settle himself around Sans' shoulders like a furry scarf. You gasped, pulling your phone out to capture a few shots of the precious moment. 

"What Are You Doing?" Sans snapped, grasping for your phone. 

"Taking a picture. You two look so good together! I'll send it to you later, don't worry."

"I Don't Want A Picture Of Me And This Lazy Sack Of-" 

"Smile!" you interrupted, holding up your phone. Turning around, you realised that Papyrus was doing the same. You craned your neck to get a better look at his shots. 

"Ooh, I like that one. Send it to me," you pointed at his screen. 

"Sure. Gimme your phone for a sec." Papyrus plucked your phone from your grasp, typing in a few numbers. You looked down at the two new contacts in your phone. One was labelled "Papyrus" and the other one was labelled "Shortie". 

"Who's Shortie?" you asked. 

Sans stiffened, turning threateningly towards his brother. 

"M'bro," Papyrus replied coolly, ignoring the way Sans was shooting daggers at him with his eyelights. You snickered. 

"Yeah, it kind of fits."

Sans looked absolutely furious. He stomped over to you, waving a finger in your face, "Now Listen Here, You Insolent Little-" Jake meowed, nuzzling the side of Sans' skull. Sans petted him obligingly, before continuing on his rant, "You Are An Insolent, Disrespectful Little Brat-" 

"But she ain't wrong," Papyrus cut in, scooping Jake off Sans' shoulders. "Yer short."

"I AM NOT SHORT!" Sans practically screamed. You pressed your lips together, trying your hardest not to coo at him. 

"He's like an angry little ball of cuteness," you whispered to Papyrus. 

Papyrus leant down to whisper back, "Yeah. S'great. Cuz he's so tiny an’ everythin'."

"Yeah! Look at his face. He's like a small red tomato. Look at him. He's adorable!" you squealed quietly. 

"I Can Hear You!" Sans stomped his foot. Papyrus snickered, making an "awww" sound. Sans looked like he was going to explode. Papyrus shook your shoulders gently. 

"Look. Look at his face."

"You're pouting!" You gasped, feeling your heart melt. "Oh my god, you're pouting! How are you so cute?" 

Sans spluttered incoherently, stomping his foot again. 

"I'm Not Cute!" 

"Yes, yes you are! You're like a soft, squishy little angry marshmallow." You fanned your cheeks excitedly.

"What Is Wrong With You?!" 

Papyrus sniggered.

"C'mon, just admit that yer small an' cute, bro."

Sans drew himself up to his full height, (which was, admittedly, not very tall) and crossed his arms, declaring, "If You Insist On Continuing With This Nonsense, Then I Shall Have To Forcibly Remove You- Both Of You- From The Premises."

"Oh, shit. He's goin' guard mode now," Papyrus snickered. 

"Guard mode?" You asked. 

"Yeah, he's captain of th' royal guard." 

"Oh, wow," you looked at Sans, impressed. Then you frowned, "But isn't he too cute to intimidate anyone as a guard?" 

Sans' face, which had been slowly returning to its normal colour, quickly reddened again. 

"I Am Perfectly Capable Of Doing My Job Just The Way I Am, Thank You Very Much!" 

"I'm not saying that you can't do your job, but…you're like…the least scary thing I could possibly think of," you confessed. 

Papyrus raised a brow at you. 

"Yer th' first person t’ever say somethin' like that. Most people are terrified a' him."

You scrunched up your nose. 

"...how?" 

Sans had an look of pure frustration on his face. He picked you up and threw you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, then angrily walked over to your house. Setting you down roughly on your feet in front of the door, he asked, "Anything Else You Wish To Say Before I Ban You From My House Forever?" 

You blinked up at him, slightly disoriented. 

"Wow, you're really strong."

To your confusion, you saw a hint of pink run across his cheeks before he headed back towards his own house, dragging Papyrus out and pushing him towards you. 

"You Two Idiots Can Stay Out Till You've Learned Your Lesson!" He shouted, closing the door behind him. Papyrus continued to rub Jake's tummy, looking over at you with an interested expression. 

"Damn, never seen him that flustered before. What'd you say ta him?" 

"I told him that he was strong." You unlocked your front door. "Wanna come in till he un-bans you from your own house?" 

"Sure," Papyrus grinned.

*****

Sans just couldn't wrap his head around you. You'd annoyed him, called him short, said that he was cute, and then told him that he was strong. 

What did it all mean? 

He certainly didn't know. The two of you were friends, he supposed, but you took pleasure in riling him up the way his brother always did. So it wasn't as if he could actually take stock in whatever you said, since half of what came out of your mouth was a bunch of nonsense, said specifically to get under his skin. 

…not that he had any. 

But it was the principle of the thing! 

His phone buzzed, startling him out of his thoughts. Then it buzzed again. And again. And again. He angrily opened it up, ready to send a slew of death threats to whoever it was that was sending him so many messages. 

Then he paused. They were from you. 

There were several pictures, all of him with Jake cuddled up around his neck. They weren't bad, he supposed. They could almost be considered cute, if he squinted really hard. His phone buzzed one last time. 

A message. 

“This one's my favourite! Papyrus took it.”

He opened the picture. There was no cat in sight, just a close-up shot of his own face, screwed up in a sulky pout. 

*****

You heard the screech from where you were sitting on your couch. Papyrus chuckled.

"What did you send him?" you asked, trying to grab your phone back from him. Papyrus snickered, shooting off another text to Sans. 

"Nothin' much," he replied slyly. "Just a few pics of Jake."

"Oh. Okay."

"...do ya mind if I crash at yer place tonight? Cuz I don't think he'll be lettin' me go back anytime soon."

"Yeah, you can take the couch. Jake might try to smother you in your sleep, though, so be careful."

"...If I die from 'im smotherin' me in my sleep, then I'll die a happy man."

"...honestly? Same."

*****

Sans gripped his phone in his hand, sockets empty as he stared blankly ahead of him. 

There were three new messages that had been left open in the chat. 

“Sikeeee.”

“Its just me, bro. Could hear that scream from all the way over here.”

“And dont worry, I'll delete these before she sees them.”

*****

You looked up from where you were lying, head hanging over the edge of the couch. It was a lazy Saturday afternoon, and you'd found yourself wandering over to the two brothers' house out of habit. Jake, of course, had welcomed you at the door. He'd been there since at least seven in the morning. 

Sans was baking something in the kitchen, shifting a small step stool around as he moved. 

"...why do you need a step stool?" You asked, looking at him from your upside-down position. 

"Because Whichever Genius Designed This Kitchen Counter Made It Just A Little Too Tall For Someone Of My Height," Sans snapped. 

"...just admit that yer short, bro."

"I! Am! Not! Short!" 

"Yeah, he's not," you called, surprising them both. 

"If he ain't short, then what is he?" Papyrus challenged. You grinned. 

"He's pint-sized."

"HOW DARE YOU!"

Papyrus collapsed against the couch, snickering. 

"Holy shit…ya really ain't afraid a' death, huh?" he asked you, once he caught his breath. 

You shrugged. Sans strode over to you, standing over where you lay on the couch. 

"You'd Better Retract That Statement, Before I Make You Regret It."

"Okay, okay…but you're right. You're not pint-sized. Hmmmmm. No, no, that's not right. You're…fun-sized!" You leapt up suddenly, startling him. You took the opportunity to pick him up under the arms, holding him like an angry cat. 

"See? Fun-sized!" You announced, giggling. 

"I Will End You," Sans growled, clenching his hands into fists. You began to sway him lightly in your arms. 

"Awwwww. You're adorable."

"I Am Not!" Sans struggled in your grasp. "Let Go-!" 

"Y'know, you're really cute whenever you pretend to get angry. Your cheeks puff out, and you narrow your eyes. Like now!" You gasped, squishing the oddly malleable bone on his face. 

"Don't Touch Me-! Stop That-!" Sans tried to bat your hands away, but eventually gave up. 

"You're so cute. Like Jake!" you cooed. Jake meowed in agreement from his position on Papyrus' lap. 

"You Compared Me. To A Cat."

"Yeah! You're both so cute. Has anyone ever told you how cute you are when you get like this?" You continued to squish his cheeks. 

"No Idiot Has Ever Been Stupid Enough To Do It. Well, Besides You, Of Course, But You Exist On A Whole Separate Plane Of Stupidity." 

"Yeah, most people run in th' opposite direction once they see Sans comin'. I think you're th' only one I've ever seen that actually runs towards him," Papyrus noted. He thought for a minute, before adding, "Y'know, yer kinda dumb that way." 

"Thank you." You nodded. 

Sans rolled his eyelights. 

"Idiots, All Of You."

"...including Jake?" you asked, holding him up and waving his furry little paws at Sans. 

"Obviously Not," Sans replied flatly. "He's The Smartest One Out Of You Three."

You laughed. 

"You love him."

"I Do Not." 

"You dooooo."

You held Jake up. 

"How could you say no to this face? Don't you love him?" 

Sans glanced at him, then at you. You swore that his eyelights softened just the tiniest bit. But when he opened his mouth, what came out was a flat "No." You sighed, then turned to Papyrus. 

"Papyrus, do you love Jake?" 

"I would die for 'im," Papyrus replied, his voice eerily serious. Sans shot him a half-concerned look, but Papyrus ignored it. "So yeah, I love 'im."

You nodded sagely. 

"See, that's the kind of answer you're supposed to give, Sans."

Sans didn't reply, simply striding over to the oven and checking on the cake inside. 

"Thirty more seconds and yer timer will ring, bro," Papyrus told him. 

You stared at Papyrus. 

"That's creepy."

He gave a half-hearted shrug. 

"S'instinct. Can't help it. I can just, heh, feel it in my bones."

The shrill ring of the timer interrupted you both, and Sans promptly turned it off before reaching for his baking mitts. You glanced over at Papyrus, a distinctly unnerved look on your face. Papyrus snorted, throwing his head back. You shivered, hugging a pillow close to your chest. 

"It's not normal to be able to do that," you mumbled. 

Papyrus snorted again. 

"Yeah, got th' habit after I learned ta count time subconsciously in my head. Did it a lot after that. Still remember th' time I scared th' hell outta Sans when we were kids. I asked him why he took four minutes an' twenty-three seconds longer than usual to pick me up from school." 

You giggled, squeezing the pillow. 

"That's horrible. He must have been so weirded out by it."

"Yeah, he treated me like one 'a those haunted kids from those horror movies that come out every halloween. Acted real weird round me for a whole week an' a half."

"That's amazing."

"Well, In My Defense, I Was Thoroughly Disturbed By It." Sans slid the cake onto the rack to cool. "I Was Terrified I'd Wake Up In Bed One Night To See Him Standing There, Asking Why It Took Exactly Two Minutes and Thirty-Eight Seconds Longer Than Usual For Me To Fall Asleep." 

You giggled again. 

"Well, when you put it like that…" 

Papyrus snuggled into the couch. 

"I mean, so I was a weird kid. Big deal. Sans was even weirder."

"I Was Not!" 

"...yeah, you totally were, bro."

"In What Ways, Pray Tell?" 

"C'mon, bro. You documented th' strengths and weaknesses 'a every kid at school, an' ya practically picked them apart like a puzzle. It was fuckin' creepy. You knew everythin' about 'em. Even stuff that they didn't know 'bout themselves."

Sans paused, fetching a bowl of cream from the fridge. 

"Well, I Needed To Know How To Protect Us If The Time Ever Came. And That Information Came In Handy, I'll Have You Know."

Papyrus waved it off, continuing, "An' ya organised everythin' in th' house by colour an' alphabetical order, an' if ya had somethin' on yer mind, you'd throw everythin' into a heap on th' floor and then reorganise it all over again. It was fuckin' weird."

"It's Calming Work! And It Helps Me To Think. Unlike You, I Actually Like My Things Neat. Your Room Is A Literal Pigsty." 

"Thanks, bro."

"I'm Not Joking. I Found A Piglet In There The Other Day."

Papyrus chuckled. 

"Oh, that. 'Dyne asked me t’keep it for her for a bit. Think she wanted it for one'a her experiments."

"Yes, Well, It's Highly Unsanitary," Sans sniffed. You latched yourself onto Papyrus, your eyes shining. 

"Do you still have it? Can I see?" 

"Sorry, bud, I returned it to 'Dyne a few days ago." Papyrus patted you apologetically on the back. You sulked a little, mourning the lost opportunity to see the piglet. 

"S'the cake done?" Papyrus asked, trying to distract you. You brightened up immediately, looking towards Sans. Sans added the last blob of cream to the top before nodding at you. You squealed, jumping up happily and enveloping Sans in a tight hug. He sputtered, fumbling with the piping bag in his hands. Papyrus watched, amused, as Sans turned the colour of a strawberry, roughly pushing you off him and telling you to go sit down, instead of "assaulting him like some uncouth heathen". You obediently trotted back to where Papyrus was, joining him on the couch. 

"C'mere, Jake!" You held your hands out towards him, making kissy noises. Jake promptly turned on his side and ignored you. You gasped. 

"Jake, baby!" 

Jake burrowed himself into Papyrus' fuzzy jacket lining, purring loudly. Papyrus chuckled, enjoying the abject look of betrayal on your face. 

"I thought you loved me…" you muttered. 

"M'sure he does, bud."

You eyed Papyrus. 

"Do you love me?" 

Papyrus shrugged nonchalantly. 

"Yeah, sure."

You threw your arms around him, gasping exaggeratedly. 

"Sans! Did you hear that? Papyrus said he loves me!" 

"I Suppose The Saying That 'Birds Of A Feather Flock Together' Holds Some Truth To It, Then," came Sans' voice. 

"Oooh, hear that, Paps?" You nudged him playfully. 

"Loud an' clear. We're both idiots, th' two of us."

You nodded proudly in agreement. 

"I Personally Cannot Understand How You Are Able To Declare Your Own Lack Of Intelligence So Confidently," Sans remarked. He walked over to the coffee table, balancing three plates. You hummed in reply, making an "I dunno" sound. Sans handed a plate to you. 

"Thanks, love you!" you called, digging into your slice of cake. 

Sans' shoulders stiffened a little, his cheeks tinting red. There was a slight change to his tone when he replied, "...you're welcome."

You, oblivious as ever, were too focused on the cake to see anything but the soft, fluffy layers of sponge and cream. But the little changes in Sans' behaviour didn't go unnoticed. 

No, not in the least. 

In fact, a highly interested Papyrus was quietly watching it all as he slowly pushed the cake around his plate. The beginnings of a mischievous grin were starting to tug at the corners of his mouth. Well, well, well…

"Stop Playing With Your Food, Brother, Or I'll Hand-Feed You Myself," Sans snapped, jolting Papyrus out of his thoughts. 

"Ahhhh." Papyrus opened his mouth jokingly. Sans shoved a chunk of cake into Papyrus' mouth, a deadpan look on his face. Papyrus choked, gagging as it got stuck in his throat. 

You scooted away from him as the hacking got louder. 

Sans sighed, walking over and giving him a smart slap to the back. Papyrus wheezed, finally swallowing down the mouthful. He gasped out, "Hasn't anyone ever told ya that whackin' people on the back doesn't exactly make it easier for 'em if they're chokin'?" 

Sans grinned, an evil glint entering his eyelights. 

"Oh, That. Of Course I Knew That, Brother. I Took A Medical First-Aid Course When I Joined The Guard."

Papyrus feebly tried to hit Sans. 

"You tryin'a kill me r'somethin'?" 

"...Perhaps."

Papyrus turned to you, mock hurt brimming in his eyelights. 

"Ya hear that? M'bro doesn't love me."

"Hrrm?" You looked up from your plate, eyes wide and mouth stuffed with cake. Papyrus snorted. 

"Damn, way t'break my heart. Guess no one loves me, then."

You hastily swallowed your mouthful, throwing your hands out in an apologetic hug around him. 

"I swear I love you! The cake is just really good."

Papyrus flicked you on the head. 

"Can't believe I went up 'gainst a cake an' lost."

You stuck your tongue out at him. 

"You can't compare. I'd marry this cake if I could, it's that good."

"Or you could jus' marry th' person that made it," Papyrus offered, ignoring the death glare that Sans was shooting him. "Y'know, jus' puttin' that out there. S'an actual option, jus' so ya know."

Your face slowly lit up. 

"...that's actually a good idea!" You grabbed Sans. "Hey, will you marry me?" 

"Don't Drag Me Into Your Childish Nonsense," he sighed. 

"C'mon, we've even got a witness and someone of high enough rank to officiate the marriage!" You begged, waving at Papyrus and Jake. Sans glanced over at you, unimpressed. 

"Well, I Regret To Inform You, But Papyrus' 'Rank' As A Coffee Shop Barista Is Hardly Good Enough To-" 

"No, not him," you interrupted, "I meant Jake, obviously. Papyrus is the witness."

Papyrus whistled enthusiastically, giving you a thumbs-up of approval. Sans rolled his eyelights, but you saw the slightest hint of a grin playing upon the edges of his mouth. 

"C'mon….don't you love me?" you winked playfully at him. 

"...No."

"Are you suuure?" 

"Yes."

"Yes, you love me, or yes, you're sure that you don't love me?" 

"...I'm Not Doing This With You."

"But you're smiling!" You teased, leaning in closer to him. Your face was almost level with his at this point, but you continued to lean in even closer, grinning smugly. Out of nowhere, a gloved hand connected roughly with your face, making you see stars. 

"Oww, that hurt," you whined, rubbing your forehead. 

"Good," Sans replied. You shot him a look as you gingerly touched your bruised face. He simply turned up his nose ridge at you, but you caught the sadistic twinkle in his eyelights. 

"Your brother is bullying me, Papyrus," you said flatly. 

"An' what else s'new?" Papyrus drawled, holding his plate out towards Sans. "Thanks, bro."

"Go Wash It Yourself. You're Old Enough To Do It Without My Assistance," Sans snarked. 

"Nooo. M'still a babybones. Help me out, bro. M'your cutest, most favourite lil' brother."

Sans snatched the plate from Papyrus. 

"You're My Only Brother, You Lazy Piece Of Shit."

"Yeah, which means m'your favourite by default."

"...does that mean that I'm your favourite by default too?" you piped up. 

"My Favourite What?" Sans eyed you. 

"Your favourite human. Friend. Whatever."

"..." 

"I mean, kinda? S'not like he has any other friends besides you," Papyrus butted in. 

"Watch Your Tongue!" 

"Oh, right. He's got me too." Papyrus counted off on his fingers, "One, two. Two friends. Guess you're not the default favourite, then."

You pushed his hand away, scoffing.

"You're his brother, so you don't count. Which makes me the default favourite. Right?" 

You gave Sans your best puppy-dog eyes. It didn't seem to work very well. Sans practically recoiled from you once he saw the expression on your face. 

"Ugh. You Look Like You're Constipated," he complained loudly. 

"But you still love me anyway, right?" you asked hopefully. 

"No? It's Highly Disturbing." 

"...I'll just pretend that you're a 'yes means no' kind of person," you huffed, gathering Jake into your arms. 

Chapter Text

From that time onwards, you made it your sole mission to get Sans to admit that he did, in fact, love you. 

Papyrus was extremely amused by it. 

Sans, not so much. 

Every day, it was always the same back-and-forth of:

"You love me!" 

"I Do Not."

"You do!" 

"I Don't."

"You doooo."

"And As I Have Been Telling You For The Past Week, No, I Do Not."

*****

Sans' phone buzzed. He took a glance at the screen and immediately sighed. 

Just how persistent is she? 

There on the screen was your message, clear as day: 

"Good morning!!! Do you love me? Please say yes :D " 

To which Sans replied with a curt, "Of course not. Now shut up."

Almost instantaneously, his phone dinged with a reply. 

You'd sent him a sticker of a sad-looking baby duck. 

He sent back a message which read, "I won't be taken in by pictures of cute animals."

You sent back a pouty-faced emoji. 

"Stop breaking my heart."

"Stop wasting my time."

"I'm hurt." You sent a sticker of a crying kitten with large, shiny tears rolling down its face. 

"Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm sobbing. On the ground."

"No you're not. Get up."

"Yes I am. I'm crying."

"...no??"

"Yes."

He stared. 

You weren't… actually upset, were you? 

*****

The sudden hammering at your door startled both you and Jake, making you jump in surprise and causing Jake to dart under the bed, hissing. You cracked open the front door, peeking out. Oh. It was Sans. No surprise there. He was the only one who ever knocked on your door like he planned on breaking it down. 

"Hi?" you asked, extremely confused as to why he suddenly felt the need to come visit you when you'd been texting him not more than two minutes ago. 

Sans didn't say anything in reply, simply giving your face a searching look. You raised an eyebrow. Ignoring you, he held your face in his hands, tilting it first one way, then the other. Not having found what he was looking for, he rolled his eyelights at you and stomped off, though you thought you saw what was a twinge of relief in his expression. 

"...what was that all about?" you finally mumbled to yourself. 

*****

"How're ya even awake right now, bud?" 

"Hmm?" You groaned, rubbing at your eyes. 

"The only one crazy enough ta be awake at this time s'my bro, an' it's cause he goes for five kilometre runs in the morning."

"....oh. I didn't know that." You yawned, seemingly unaware of the fact that you were standing in Papyrus' kitchen at five in the morning, sporting your loose pajamas and a terrible bedhead. Sudden understanding lit in Papyrus' sockets. 

"Ya sleepwalked again, didn't ya?" 

You frowned sleepily, only half-awake. 

"Maybe?" 

"Brother, Is That You? Why Are You-" Sans walked into the kitchen, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw you there as well. He then proceeded to turn around and walk right out. 

"Come baaaack!" you called, suddenly wide awake. 

"No. It's Like A Bad Dream Come True. Why Are You Here, And What Are You Doing In My Kitchen?" 

"...I don't know."

"What."

"She sleepwalks, an' her house door probably wasn't locked. Anyway, turns out our house door wasn't locked either. Sooo…yeah."

Sans just sighed. 

"Of Course."

You blinked at him. 

"You still love me though, right?" 

Sans pinched his nose ridge. 

"...No. Now If You'll Excuse Me, I'll Be Going For My Morning Run."

"At three in the morning?" you asked incredulously. 

"It's Five." 

"Same difference," you mumbled. Then you stumbled over to their couch and promptly passed out within the next five seconds. 

*****

You couldn't breathe.

Why couldn't you breathe? 

Everything was so hot, so muffled…

There just wasn't enough air…why was breathing so difficult?! 

You panicked, jolting upright, making the suspiciously furry lump that had been sitting on your face tumble off with an indignant hiss. You looked down. A disgruntled-looking Jake glared back at you, a displeased look on his face.  You heard a low chuckle to your left. Turning your head, you saw Papyrus slumped over in the nearby armchair, scrolling through his phone. 

"Mornin', bud."

"Morning." You took a moment to remember where you were. "Is it Sunday?" 

"Nah, it's like Tuesday."

"What?!" you launched yourself off their couch in a panic, rushing towards the door. "I have work!" 

"M'kiddin', m'kiddin'. It's Sunday. Ya got it right on th' first try."

You rounded on Papyrus, a dangerous scowl on your face. 

"You made me think I was late for work!" 

"Yeah, well, felt like you owed me some entertainment fer last night."

"Last night?" you racked your brains. "What happened last night?" 

Papyrus guffawed. 

"You wake up on our couch with no recollection of how ya got here, and you never thought t'ask till I brought it up?" 

You paused. 

"...yeah?" 

Papyrus stole Jake from your lap, cuddling him. 

"You were sleepwalkin'. Broke into our house an' freaked Sans out. Then ya fell asleep on our couch. Nothin' much."

You thought hard. You had a vague, fuzzy memory of asking a short figure if they loved you. 

"Did Sans say yes?" you blurted out. 

Papyrus didn't even bat an eye at the odd, out-of-context question. 

"No. Still claims that he hates yer guts."

You drooped.

Papyrus patted you on the back. 

"Better luck next time, bud."

*****

You were even more determined than ever to get Sans to admit that he loved you, and your efforts had gone from mildly amusing to flat-out hilarious. 

From Papyrus' perspective, anyway. He watched contentedly as you peppered Sans with a constant barrage of questions, throwing in the occasional question of "Do you love me?" to see if you could catch him off guard. It didn't work, of course. Sans was an incredibly tough nut to crack- though Papyrus did have to say that he was impressed by how far you'd gotten. 

He could almost see Sans' resolve starting to waver. 

After half an hour of your endless chattering, Sans finally started to assemble baking ingredients in the kitchen. You shut up immediately.

"What are you making?" 

"Cupcakes," was Sans' reply. "And If You're Good, And Don't Bother Me For The Next Two Hours, I Might Even Let You Have Some."

You kept quiet after that. 

*****

"What Are You Doing Here?" 

"...I don't know. But I brought you coffee!" You cheerily held up three cups. "Do you love me now?" 

"Hm. Debatable. Give It, Then."

You deposited a cup into his outstretched hand, before hollering into the house, "Pap! Delivery's here!" 

Papyrus was on you in an instant, trying to grab the cups from your hands. 

"Behave!" you scolded. "Down, boy!" 

Papyrus withdrew, but you could still see him twitching, making little grabby motions with his hands. 

"Here. Ice mocha, triple chocolate, whipped cream with syrup and chocolate sprinkles." You retrieved a cup from your bag, passing it to him. 

Papyrus snatched it up, gulping down half of its contents in one go. 

"Triple Chocolate?" Sans suddenly turned towards you. 

"Yeah. Papyrus requested for it. I didn't even know that it was a thing on the menu."

Sans frowned at you, a look of deep disappointment creasing his face. 

"If It Weren't For The Fact That You Brought Me Coffee, I Might Have Just Slapped You Into Next Week."

"...why?" 

"Because Papyrus ," he raised his voice, making Papyrus flinch, "Is Meant To Be On A Chocolate-Free Diet Right Now."

You tilted your head. 

"But why? Chocolate is amazing."

"That's what I said," Papyrus agreed, clutching the drink to him like it was a lifeline. 

"Because You Have No Sense Of Self-Control, And Either Eat So Much Of It That You Enter A Super-Charged Sugar High, Or You Cause Your Body To Completely Shut Down From The Overload of Sugar In Your System. The Latter Case In Which I Come Home To Find You Lying In A Vegetative State For At Least Four Hours," Sans snarked.

"A sugar high?" you asked, your eyes sparkling. 

Sans recognised that look. 

"If You Start Getting Any Wild Ideas, I Claim No Responsibility For Any Damage That You're Going To Cause," he warned you. 

You giggled madly. 

"Papyrus. Oh my god. We should totally get high off sugar together and see how it goes. I bet it's gonna be awesome."

Papyrus gave you a fist bump, grinning widely. 

"Sounds great, bud. Can't wait."

*****

You had many regrets in life. Some over small things: things that weren't really important, things that you would have brushed off and forgotten soon enough anyway. Some were over larger things. Things that might have changed your life completely, if only you'd been brave enough to take the risk. So yes, you had many regrets in life. 

This was not one of them.

You and Papyrus were wheezing so hard that you were having trouble standing, and had to lean against each other for support. You were laughing like a madman, and the delirious chortles escaping Papyrus' mouth weren't any better. 

The two of you had consumed what was probably three times the recommended amount of sugar that the average person could consume in a month within an hour, and had been riding on a high that hadn't quite ended even after a whole afternoon. Then the two of you, being absolutely not in the right mind, threw all caution to the wind and decided that hey, pranking Sans sounded like a great idea. 

So here you were, the two of you cackling away as Sans stood in the doorway, covered in whipped cream, confetti, and completely soaked from head to toe. Sans stiffly wiped the whipping cream from his sockets, then turned his menacing stare towards the two of you. 

Your laughter slowly died out. 

"You Have Exactly Ten Seconds To Run," he said softly, a steely glint in his eyelights. The two of you didn't need telling twice; both you and Papyrus ran for your lives. 

Unfortunately, it wasn't quite quick enough.

Later, as the two of you knelt in front of Sans like guilty children, all you could think of was, If this is the way I die, at least I got to see him covered in whipped cream before I go. 

"So. Whose idea was it?" 

The two of you shared a glance, then each pointed at the other. You gave Papyrus an incredulous stare. 

"Why are you throwing me under the bus?" 

He stared back.

"Could ask you the same, pal. Why're you throwin' me under the bus?"

"Because it was your idea!" 

"Yeah, but you brought it up first-" 

"If You Can't Decide, Then I Suppose Both Of You Are At Fault."

"But you love us! You wouldn't do anything to us…right?" you asked hopefully. 

The dangerous red sparks in Sans' flickering eyelights told you all that you needed to know.

"Try Me," he growled, his grin curling up sharply. 

You and Papyrus clutched each other in terror. 

"Was nice knowing you, bud," Papyrus whispered, sockets blown wide in fear. 

"Same here," you whispered back. "...but no regrets."

"No regrets," Papyrus agreed. 

*****

"Saaans. Don't you love me?" 

"After The Prank That You Played On Me While You Were High Off Your Ass With Sugar? No, No I Don't."

"...you've gotta stop bringing that up. That was like, months ago."

"It Was Not, In Fact, Months Ago. It Was Yesterday."

"Oh. Uh. Well."

"Funny How Time Passes, Isn't It?" Sans commented. 

*****

Sans' phone screen lit up with a new message. He opened it up. It was a message from you. 

"Good morning! I love you. Now say it back."

He bit back a grin. 

"No." 

You sent a sticker of a marshmallow holding a gun. 

"Say it back."

"I'm positively terrified." 

The amount of sass in that message was so thick that he was sure you could hear it through the screen. 

"I see. Guess I have no choice then."

There was a sudden pounding outside his door. 

"Get Away From My Front Door!" Sans yelled.

"Admit that you love me first!" you called back. 

"Never!" 

"Grow up! Just admit you love me!" 

"No! You Grow Up!" 

Papyrus watched interestedly from the sidelines, taking in the exchange with bright eyelights. 

*****

"I love you!" you chirped, skipping over to Sans. 

 "No," he replied. You knit your eyebrows together. 

"It wasn't a question...you can't say no!" 

"Why Not?" he said calmly, fetching a bowl from the cupboard. 

"Because!" you protested. 

"Because What?" 

"Because…because you just can't, what do you mean?!" 

"What Do You Mean What Do You Mean?" 

"I…I don't know? Why are you asking me?" You shook your head, bewildered. 

"Why Are You Asking Me In The First Place, Then?" 

Later that day, Papyrus found you curled up in a corner of their house, crying. Sans was then forced to apologise for “making the human cry from too much mental exertion”. You would have almost felt insulted by the statement if it wasn't completely true. You felt a little better afterwards, though, because you got to see the guilty look in Sans' sockets as he apologised.

*****

"…No, I Do Not Want My Soul To Be Saved From Its Sad, Crusty State Of Loneliness By 'The Power Of Love'," Sans told you tiredly. 

"Why not?!" You cried. "It's free!" 

"Because My Soul Is Perfectly Fine, Thank You."

"…are you sure?" you whispered. 

"Are You Questioning Me, Or Is That A Threat?" 

"Depends on what you want it to be," you replied breezily, a saccharine lilt to your ominous tone. 

*****

"Please say you love me," you begged Sans. Sans ignored you, but you could see the grin on his face. 

"Why'r you tryin' so hard, bud?" Papyrus asked. 

"Because he won't say that he loves me!" 

"Just 'cause of that?" 

"Yeah."

"Okay, I can respect that." 

*****

You flopped down onto their couch with a groan. Papyrus did the same, his bony butt falling right on top of your legs. 

"Ow!" you yelped, pushing him off you. 

"Whoops. Sorry, bud," Papyrus replied, sounding completely unrepentant. 

"Fuck you," you grumbled. Papyrus blinked slowly at you. 

"Wow. What happened, bud? Ya ain't usually the type to curse."

You crossed your arms, glaring straight ahead. 

"She's Upset Because Jake Has Been Running Away From Her For A Week."

"Yeah, but Jake was so cuddly before that! It's not fair," you grumbled. 

"Awww, don't be sad, bud. I'm sure he's-" 

Sans held up one hand, shushing the two of you. 

"Do You Hear That?" 

"....no?" You and Papyrus shrugged unanimously. 

Sans rolled his eyelights. 

"I Know I Heard Something."

You strained your ears. At first, there was nothing but silence. But soon, you began to hear the faint crying sounds that were carrying through the air. You immediately darted towards Sans' room. 

"Hey!" He shouted indignantly, chasing after you. 

"Shut up! It's an emergency!" you called back, ripping his bedroom door open and making your way over to his cupboard.  There, gathered at the bottom of his cupboard, was Jake. But not just that; a few smaller, fuzzy bundles of fur were cuddled up next to him. Or should you say her? Sans barreled into the room, coming to a rapid stop next to you. He took in the scene before him silently. A myriad of emotions flashed across his face all at once, before finally settling on…well, you couldn't quite tell what that expression was. 

"Are Those My Boxers?!" 

You looked down. Indeed, Jake had made a nest out of Sans' boxers as a place to give birth to her kittens.

"Oh," was all you could say. 

Papyrus looked like he was having the best day of his life. 

"Ya never said that Jake was a girl, bud," he said giddily, bending down to coo at the newborn kittens. 

You scratched your head. 

"I…didn't know that he…no, she….was a girl?" 

Both brothers turned to look at you. 

"You What?" 

You suddenly realised that you'd given a very wrong answer. 

"These kittens sure are cute, huh?" You squatted down, pretending to examine the litter. 

"HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW THE GENDER OF YOUR CAT?!" 

You said nothing. Jake looked extremely pleased with herself. 

*****

Papyrus was over the moon. Sans was not. 

You…were completely fine with it. 

Your cat and her now 4 week old kittens had completely taken over the brothers' house. Papyrus was obviously having the time of his life, and whenever you paid them a visit, he could more often than not be found in a cuddle pile with the kittens, happily snuggling the furry little trouble-makers. Sans…looked like a single mother trying to support a family of eight. Which, of course, was an exaggeration. Since there were only six kittens. Sans had given you a deadpan look when you'd told him so. 

" Only Six?" he'd asked dryly. You'd simply giggled in reply. 

*****

Closing the two brothers' front door behind you, you called out for your precious babies, waiting to be assaulted by a flood of tiny purring bodies. But no kittens came to greet you; instead, you were left alone at the door, forced to wander around the house in search of your precious bundles of joy. 

What you found was a most unusual picture: Sans lying sprawled out on the couch in an extremely undignified manner, while the six kittens and their mother lovingly tried to smother him to death in his sleep. 

"Aww," you whispered. 

Unfortunately, that seemed to be enough to rouse Sans from his slumber. He sat up, making Jake tumble off his chest and onto his lap. Jake shot Sans a dirty look. Sans, however, was too preoccupied with glowering at you to pay attention to Jake. 

"What?" he asked irritably, seeing your sappy expression. 

"...you love them." 

Sans didn't even ask for clarification. 

"Of Course I Do."

"...what about me?" 

"What about you?" 

"Do you love me too?" 

"...No?" Sans shot back, a bemused look on his face. "Go Play With The Kittens. I'm Going To Go Bake Some Cookies."

You opened your mouth to ask, but he interrupted you with a wave of his hand, "Yes, Yes, You Will Get Some. Now Be A Good Human And Stay. Entertain The Kittens."

You happily stationed yourself on the floor, gathering up a squirming bundle of fluffiness. Jake wandered up to you, purring, wrapping herself around your arms. 

"Awww. I missed you too, baby."

Then Papyrus appeared. Jake immediately abandoned you, running over his side to wind herself through his legs affectionately. 

"Fine, be like that! I've got your kids anyway," you called after her, holding up one of the kittens to prove your point. 

Jake didn't seem to care. You pouted. 

"Sorry, bud," Papyrus told you, gathering Jake into his arms and sitting down next to you. You squinted at him. He looked too entertained by the whole thing to actually seem sorry. You gave him a smart whack to his shoulder, making him whine and swat halfheartedly at you in return. 

After playing with the kittens for a little longer, and trying (and failing) to take some cute pictures of them, you decided that you were bored. So you got up to search for food. Of course, it was purely coincidental that you'd decided to do so just as Sans pulled a tray of cookies from the oven. 

"Can I have one? Please? I've been good. I've played with the kittens. I need one. They're, like, calling my name."

Sans rolled his eyelights at you. He'd been doing it so much lately, you felt absolutely sure that if he had any eyeballs to begin with, he'd definitely have rolled them straight out of his sockets by now.

"Please?" you begged, eyeing the cookies. 

Sans pushed you away from the counter, carefully sliding the cookies off the tray and onto a cooling rack. 

"Pleeease?" 

Sans gave you an exasperated look. 

"Shut Up," he ordered, walking back to the oven to check on the next batch. 

"So are they done yet?" You called after him. "I want one."

"They Need Time To Cool. Be Patient, You Idiot!" Sans slapped your hands away from the rack. 

You rubbed your hands, glaring at him. 

"You're mean."

"I'm Mean Because I Made Cookies For You, And Won't Let You Eat Them Till They're Ready?" Sans asked mildly. 

You gasped loudly, bounding over to his side. 

"You made them just for me?" 

Sans paused, regretting what he'd said earlier. 

"...No."

You looped your arms around him in a tight hug, giggling. 

"I know you love me~" you sang. 

Sans tensed, but didn't say anything. You paused. 

"You do?" 

His face reddened, but he didn't refute your words. 

"You love me~!" you giggled, twirling him in a circle. 

"Don't Make Me Take It Back," Sans grumbled peevishly. 

"Awwww. You love me!" You grinned, dragging him over to Papyrus, hollering, "Papyrus, Sans admitted that he loves me!" 

Papyrus looked over from where he was slumped on the couch, petting a sleepy Jake. 

" 'bout time," was all he said. "Thought he'd never confess. Did he ask ya on a date?"

"Wait, what?" You looked back down at Sans, confused. "Like, you actually love love me?" 

Sans just turned a darker shade of red. A huge grin split your face. 

"Oooh~!" 

"I'm Taking It Back."

"You can't, you love me. Right?" 

"...."

"Don't you?" 

"...Yes."

"Really?" 

"Yes."

"Like really, really, actually?" 

"Yes!" 

"You love me?" 

"How Many Times Must I Repeat It For It To Get Through Your Thick Skull?" Sans snarked. You gave him a pleading look. He rolled his eyelights, but couldn't hide the blush that was building on his face. 

"Yes, A Thousand Times Over; Stars, Yes, I Love You. Are You Happy N- hmphh! " 

You pressed a kiss to his mouth, effectively shutting him up. When you pulled back, his eyelights were completely extinguished, with his mouth agape in a state akin to shock. 

For once in his life, Sans was completely lost for words. You grinned at him. 

"Yes," you confirmed, a sly twinkle in your eye. "I'm very happy. And I love you too."

You watched as a blush exploded violently across his face. 

"Shut Up," he grumbled. 

*****

Papyrus watched from a distance as Sans yelled at you and you laughed. 

" 'least everything ended well,” he mumbled to himself, an odd smile on his face. Jake meowed questioningly at him. "You an' me both, bud, you an' me both."

BONUS:

"Do you love me?" 

"....We've Been Married For Five Years, You Nutcase."

"But you still love me, right?" 

There was a long, pained sigh. 

"...Yes. Yes, I Love You."