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She should be more upset with him than she has been. After all, he left without a word. Without any kind of notice. After years. And then he just shows up like…like nothing had changed.
Maybe it was just the nature of being immortal. What was a few years in the face of eternity, right? But she had felt those years, especially after the first two. When she finally accepted that he wasn’t coming back and the tears came before she pulled herself back together, Sersi was convinced she wouldn’t accept him again so easily.
And yet here they were. Traversing across the globe, getting the band back together, as if nothing had changed.
She knew it wasn’t fair. Not to herself and certainly not to Dane. But her heartstrings pulled all the same when saw him, regardless of what her logical mind was telling her.
“I thought I might find you out here.”
As if summoned by her turbulent thoughts a familiar voice called out to her. Sersi looked over her shoulder, her eyes easily finding him. How was it that even when they were facing the end of days and being hunted by mutating deviants that he was still able to have that sideways grin when looking at her.
“Is everything alright?” Ikaris asks, his footsteps drawing him closer to her.
She doesn’t immediately respond for once. The mask that she had been wearing so far slipping in a private moment. She had a naturally motherly persona but with Ajak’s death and being given her orb, the responsibility to be the one keeping everything together felt even heavier.
“I don’t know how you do it” she spoke softly.
“Do what?” he asked, moving to sit next to her. His instinct was to reach out and touch her hand but he stopped himself, reminding himself that he had lost that privilege.
“Deal with everything” Sersi answered vaguely. Her hands fiddled together for a moment before she explained. Moments of insecurity weren’t exactly easy. Let alone in front of your ex. “We’ve never faced something like this before. Trying to stop a Celestial from being born it’s…insanity. But you still have that charismatic look on your face.”
A very, stupid, handsome mind she noted importantly.
Ikaris let out a light chuckle which didn’t help her perception that he seemed unaffected by it all. “I suppose I just tried to follow Ajak’s lead. She never wavered no matter the challenge. And she trusted in you.”
“I was hoping for a less cookie cutter answer” Sersi said, teasing him lightly.
Rich laughter fell from his lips and it struck her that she missed that sound. More than she imagined. Sersi looked over at him, taking in his features for a moment. Wordlessly her hand rose, fingers caressing his cheek lightly as if she were afraid what might happen if she indulged too much.
“I don’t understand why Ajak didn’t pick you” she said softly, “I always thought you were her favorite.”
There was a change in his features, so subtle that if she hadn’t known him for so long she might have missed it. His smile became more terse and the look in his eyes shifted. “What’s wrong?”
Seemingly surprised to be caught, Ikaris let his gaze fall, his hand rising to take her hand and remove it from his cheek. Yet rather than the electric feeling she would have expected from the contact she felt a sense of dread. Something was wrong and she had no idea what it was. That was perhaps the scariest part about it.
“I…” he started, his voice cracking slightly. “A long time ago, Ajak confided in me. She told me about…all of this.”
“What?” the shock in her voice was evident with her sharp question.
“That night in the forest. When Druig left and we all went our own ways. She told me the truth about what we were really doing here” Ikaris continued, his gaze diverted from hers as guilt washed over him. “Everything Arishem told you: how were never meant to nurture a society to last. It was just to give energy for the Celestial to be born. I've known for centuries now.”
Sersi was silent, absorbing all the information that was being unloaded on her in disbelief. It had been a lot to take in the first time she heard the truth but knowing that Ajak and Ikaris had been in on it the whole time...she didn't know how to feel.
“We’re not protectors. We’re…herders of livestock.”
She could see the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes as her mind swirled with questions. How long had he been burdened with this secret? How long had Ajak kept the truth from them? Was that why he left those years ago? Her fingers curled around his, offering some support as she tried to come to terms with what this all meant.
“I was loyal to our purpose.”
“What?” her gripp slipped slightly on his hand.
“Ajak confided in me because she knew I would see the mission through. No matter what” Ikaris said, finally looking at Sersi. What she saw wasn’t a charismatic leader, charming lover, or even defiant rebel; but instead a vulnerable man on the verge of breaking. “That’s why I had to leave you. I…I did things I’m not proud of. I…”
This time his voice broke as he looked away from her, the tears finally falling down his cheek.
Sersi didn’t need him to say it, her mind was already piecing things together. Ajak’s death when she was the only person who knew the truth. The orb choosing her. Ikaris distraught state as he finally told the truth. It all lined up. And it all came back to him.
“You killed Ajak” she said, more a statement than an accusation.
Ikaris couldn’t form a verbal response and instead broke down in tears, his hand pulling away from hers. Even with the truth revealed her heart ached at the sight. She understood, to a degree, why Ajak had done it. Ikaris was the strongest of them. If the mission was destruction, or in this case ensuring destruction, then he was the one to trust. And yet she couldn’t help but think that entrusting that kind of knowledge to someone and forcing them to keep it from their loved ones for centuries was a different kind of cruelty. Ajak had a change of heart but the damage had been done. Now it was culminating in a broken man who was coming to terms with what he had done, what he had to do, and what he couldn’t do.
Maybe she should be outraged and angry. Druig would certainly want to kill him in her shoes and maybe the others as well. But she had always had compassion in her heart and she wouldn’t forsake the man she loved in his most vulnerable moment. He had come clean as a cry for help, turning him away now would be the worst thing she could do. Maybe now she was starting to understand why Ajak chose her as her successor.
“Hey, look at me” a soft hand touched his chin and tilted his face towards her. “We can’t change the past” she spoke, her words honest and tone comforting. There was no erasing what he had done. But to condemn him for it was not in her nature. “What you’ve done…”
“I know” he croaked out, his hand rising to be placed over hers. “I can’t change it. I can’t bring her back.”
“What matters is what you do next,” Sersi continued, “You have love in your heart. I’ve seen it.”
She still remembered when he fumbled through the native tongue trying to compliment her. Ikaris had never shared her natural love and adoration for Earth and its people but through his love for her he had made an effort to get to know them. There was goodness in his heart and he was capable of love, regardless of what they had been created for. She had seen it with her own eyes.
“You are not a mindless machine,” she finished leaning forward to press her forehead against his own, her fingers stroking his tear-stained cheek.
“The others…”
Sersi didn’t immediately respond. She might be the designated leader but she didn’t have the emotional capacity to try and sort out what would come when they told the others the truth. In fact, she was barely holding it together now and she imagined the moment she got time to herself she might break down. But she didn’t want to think about that now. She didn’t want to think at all. That explained why instead of answering him she slowly leaned forward, closing the distance between their lips.
It was familiar even after all these years, and that was something she desperately needed right now. Something they both needed. Her hands rose up, tracing over his muscular frame as she lost herself in the embrace. This had been on her mind since they reunited, she just never thought it’d occur under these circumstances.
Tomorrow was going to be a lot, not to mention the impending doom that they still had to figure out. But right now she just wanted to focus on him. To be reminded that the man she loved was still inside there.
The next morning came far too soon.
Sersi’s eyes fluttered open, half-expecting last night to have been a fever dream. However, the reality of everything that had been said last night soon came rushing back. She looked to her side, almost surprised to see Ikaris there, looking back at her.
“Since when did you wake up early?” she questioned, her voice slightly hoarse. She reached over, her fingers briefly running over the white patch in his hair.
“I couldn’t sleep” he answered, a weak smile on his face.
Sersi briefly noted that at the least he hadn’t run away and hoped that was a good sign.
“About last night,” he started and she felt a lump form in her throat. “I’m ready to accept whatever consequences may come.”
Truthfully she didn’t know if she should be elated or more terrified for the conversation that would come. But she knew this was better than losing him.