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If Tanaka had to deal with one more childish fight between his friends, he would murder them all. Suga and Daichi weren't usually the culprits, they were too "mature" for that. Tanaka knew that was bullshit. Both of them got into plenty of fights, just not with each other. They were uncomfortably lovey-dovey with each other.
It wasn't like Tanaka was that much better. He enjoyed a friendly rumble as much as the other guy. The problem was that these lovers’ quarrels were way too affectionate —and public— for his liking. And each couple was worse than the previous.
Whenever Tsukishima and Yamaguchi fought, which was surprisingly not very often, especially considering Tsukki’s sunny disposition, it usually ended up with them cuddling on the couch, Tanaka’s couch, whispering and giggling to each other. Those were the only times Tsukki laughed, much less giggled, in front of anybody. No one mentioned anything for a while. The one and only time anyone said something, it was Noya. He teased them for it, and Tanaka was tempted to start planning his funeral there and then.
Fortunately, Nishinoya survived. Unfortunately, he was much more argumentative. Last time he quarreled with Asahi, Ashai shut him up by pushing him back and covering his mouth. Nishinoya blushed, and they both rushed back to the apartment. Once again, Tanaka’s apartment. Sure, it was also Noya’s apartment, but goddammit Asahi also had his own, especially after Daichi moved out to live with Suga. Regardless, Tanaka wisely stayed at Suga and Daichi’s place that night, and he wasn’t mentally scarred. The next morning, Asahi was the one who was bright red. Nishinoya limped every time he walked and smirked every time he limped. Needless to say, Tanaka deeply disinfected every inch of the apartment after that.
However, the worst couple, without a doubt, was Hinata and Kageyama. Why were they the worst? They argued more than any other pairing, and they weren’t even a fucking couple. Tanaka wanted to wring their necks any time they even came near him. He absolutely had to find a way to resolve some of their tension.
Luckily for him, he had an experience or two with setting up his friends. Daichi and Suga, Asahi and Noya, and Tsukki and Yamaguchi had all gotten together because of him, whether it was due to his direct meddling or accidentally. Like it or not, he was somehow a lucky charm when it came to his friends’ relationships. Unfortunately, it definitely didn’t carry over for him. He had dated one girl since highschool, and she turned out to be a lesbian. Great. Maybe it was some sort of curse for himself.
Regardless of how much the universe hated him and favored his friends, it was time to use his gift/curse for his own selfishness. Plus, you know, happiness of his friends, resolving romantic tension, yadda yadda. Tanaka would just have to sit and wait for the most convenient time to put his plan into motion.
The first time he thought he had the best opportunity was during a road trip over the autumn. It was late November, and the group had rented a small bus to reach a weird, hipster music festival that Nishinoya had heard about. They had all planned on splitting up once they arrived, so Tanaka had to make the move while on the road.
He made sure to plop himself right next to Kageyama, ignoring the death glare being sent his way. He also ignored Daichi’s questioning glance as he watched Tanaka follow Hinata’s every move with his eyes. Luckily, Hinata made the awful, idiotic decision of sitting at the back. Even luckier, Hinata sat himself right next to Noya. Tanaka used all of his might to not grin like a supervillain.
He waited just until Hinata started to go green to strike. He stood up, wobbling his way to the back, and rested his hands on the small one’s shoulders. “Hey buddy, how ya feeling?” he asked, putting on a concerned face.
Hinata just shook his head.
“Not good? You wanna switch seats with me?”
Hinata nodded and sat next to Kageyama, who looked at him with genuine concern. Tanaka smiled, settling into Noya, effectively crushing the runt. Easy. Done. Tanaka thought.
Tanaka was wrong. As soon as Hinata started feeling better, the bickering started up again and nothing was resolved. Fuck.
The second time, Tanaka was less arrogant. Obviously, the universe did not appreciate him using his gift this way. So, he decided to sneak up on the boys and the universe. No planning whatsoever. Spontaneous. Chill. Tanaka could do chill. Chill was his middle name.
As he was spontaneously chilling, watching the rest of his friends interact, Suga came up to him.
“Are you okay?” he asked, with his parental Suga face. It was the kind of face that made Tanaka want to cry. Or maybe it was just Tanaka’s trauma. Either way, he wanted that face to go away right then and there.
“Yeah,” said Tanaka, “I’m cool. I’m just chilling. Being in the moment. You know how it is.”
Suga furrowed his brow. “You look constipated,” he pointed out.
Tanaka took off his sunglasses. “What? No I don't! Fuck you.”
Suga laughed, and Tanaka crossed his arms. “Shut up,” he said indignantly, “Listen, I’m trying to collaborate with the universe and you’re throwing off the vibe. Now go away before I get the universe to fuck with you, too.”
Suga was silent. He somehow had no expression, which Tanaka thought was very impressive. “Ooookay. Have fun.”
With that, he turned on his heels and walked away.
Back to the task at hand, Tanaka waited until nobody was watching. Then, he rummaged through Kageyama’s bag until he found his wireless earbuds. They had a round case, perfect for rolling. Which is exactly what Tanaka did, right to Hinata’s feet. Unfortunately, in his spontaneity, he forgot how much of a human fucking disaster Hinata was.
That orange-headed idiot ignored the perfect set-up and stepped directly on them, crushing them with an aggressive crunch.
Fuck.
Everyone looked over and Tanaka bolted away, not drawing attention due to the focus on Hinata. Kageyama rushed over and cradled his destroyed earbuds. “Kageyama, I am so sorry,” Hinata said, “I didn’t even see them there.”
Kageyama was obviously distraught, but he looked up from the corpse of his headphones to stare at Hinata. Maybe this can be salvaged, Tanaka prayed. Kageyama sighed, “It’s fine. You owe me new ones though. And I’m stealing yours until I get new ones.”
Hinata looked relieved for a moment, then outraged. “Hey! No! I’ll need those. What if we share.”
“Fuck no, I don’t want to listen to your shit music.”
“It’s not shit, it’s dance pop!”
“What the fuck is dance pop?”
“Good music, that’s what it is.”
Tanaka threw his sunglasses at both of them, walking away. Their infuriating bickering faded into the background as Tanaka started formulating his third and final plan. After that, Tanaka would just resign himself to hell for the rest of his life. Or moving to Cuba. Either way, it was a last-ditch effort on his part.
His final plan was to stop trying the romcom approach, and to just set them up. He invited them both to the same place and set the mood. Flower petals, candles, fancy food, the whole nine yards. He sat back and waited for both of them to arrive.
They got there at the same time, which was strange. Tanaka had been expecting to have to entertain one of them until the other got there, so he was completely fine with this. Kageyama was aware enough to look at the scene Tanaka had set with a little suspicion, but when he tried to glance at Hinata all he got was white noise, so Tanaka wasn’t worried at all.
Tanaka led them to the meal, then excused himself to the kitchen with some bullshit excuse about napkins. He peeked at them through the door, and was disheartened to see them not interacting at all. After about ten minutes, Tanaka trudged defeatedly out to the meal.
“Tanaka? Are you okay?” Hinata asked.
Tanaka shrugged. He was so certain that the universe had favorites, and that he was one. However, he had been defeated by two bratty volleyball players. Fuck everything, Tanaka was going to hibernate off this terrible, awful defeat. The only problem was that he had invited said brats to his own apartment, so he had to wait for them to leave.
Kageyama had finished eating and pushed his plate away from him. “What is this about?” he asked, “Why invite us here? You went and watched us from the kitchen and didn’t even make yourself any food. What are we doing here, Tanaka?”
He sighed. Whatever, might as well tell them the plan now that it’s failed , he thought.
“I was setting you guys up on a date. I’ve been trying to get you together for like three weeks.”
“That’s what all of this was?” Kageyama said, “You’re a fucking idiot! ” He laughed, and Tanaka was confused.
“Kageyama,” said Hinata, “don’t be mean. He didn’t know.”
“Didn’t know what?” Tanaka asked, thrown off by the shift in power.
“Hinata and I have been dating for well over a year now. It’s not like we made it a huge secret!” Kageyama said.
What? “What? How? You two.. You— I— What?”
Tanaka’s brain had melted out of his nose. All this time, the universe had been fucking with him. The universe had bent him over and made him its bitch. God fucking dammit. Tanaka stood. “Get out of my house, assholes. I hate both of you. Congratulations, thanks for the headaches, you jerks. Go away.”
Hinata pulled Kageyama to the door, both of them giggling evilly. Noya peeked out of his room, but Tanaka just waved him away.
Tanaka grouchily cleaned up. All of this work, just for literally nothing to change. That’s just how those two idiots show their love. That had to be unhealthy. But who knew? Tanaka was obviously not as well-versed in romance as he thought he was.
He took some Tylenol and downed a glass of wine. He’d have to have a nice, long chat with Suga and Daichi. If he found out that literally everyone else had known about this before him, he would kill each and every one of them.
For the time being, Tanaka was just going to lie down. The universe had sucker-punched him, repeatedly, and he needed some serious time to recover. Ugh.