Work Text:
For everything there is a season,
and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1,8
It’s a Tuesday when Technoblade finds himself in the worst situation imaginable.
He got up at seven as he did every Tuesday and drove to SBI Publishing House—a terrible, tedious endeavor that Techno definitely only did because he had to pay the bills and not because he got any enjoyment from it at all. Nope. Definitely not.
After work, Techno got back in his car and went for another drive so that he could stand awkwardly in the same hallway as he did every weekday with a number of adults he doesn’t know and never wants to know. This is always a terribly uncomfortable endeavor, as Techno is a large and intimidating man with the social capacity of a wild boar, and he is mostly surrounded by young mothers and grandmothers who all give him suspicious looks and a wide berth. Today, however, is worse than usual because he looks up and accidentally makes eye contact with a guy across the hall.
Tall. Rounded glasses. Curly brown hair.
Technoblade’s coworker, Wilbur Soot.
It’s not that Techno dislikes Wilbur; they actually get along quite well in the workplace. Wilbur’s really creative and a fantastic story writer. He and Techno are actually great friends who work well together, despite how much they pretend to argue. Techno has even helped publish some of his books and vice versa. None of that is a problem. It’s more that Wilbur saw him here. This is totally going to ruin Technoblade’s brand. How is he supposed to sell himself as an a dramatic hero and an intimidating foe if he's known to hang around this place?
They stare at each other in horror, then quickly look away, neither of them pleased to admit that they’re actually here.
Technoblade wonders if he can sink into the floorboards and die.
Then, the bell rings, the kindergarteners pile out of their classroom shrieking, and Techno starts seriously considering that as an option.
Most of the children actually avoid Techno like their parents, but two come right up to him, and that is one too many.
The taller one immediately attaches himself to Techno’s leg, which was terrifying the first time it happened, but by now, Techno is used to it. He braces himself easily against the small child—a head taller than the other kindergarteners, mind you—who proceeds to bury his face in Techno’s pants leg.
Then, the other child arrives in a mess of blond curls and unlimited energy, and the horror begins.
"It's the BLADE!" the creature shrieks in his little child voice. Techno winces at the volume.
"Hey, Tommy," he says begrudgingly, wondering how on earth his quiet, well-mannered child gets along with this mass of unending energy. (Really, he never seems to run out. It's kind of scary.)
"Tech-no-BLADE!" Tommy shrieks again. "Did you fight any bad guys today? I bet you beat them all up!" Tommy seems to be under the impression that Techno is some sort of fictional action hero, which would make sense, he supposes, if the the kid had read any of his books, but Tommy is a kindergartener. There's no way this child has a reading level that high at this age. Does he ever even sit still for a moment?
Tommy doesn't actually wait for an answer to his question before launching into whatever additional tangent his child brain had come up with.
"There's this green blob in the woods behind the playground. We dunno what it is, but it's obviously an evil monster, innit? Ranboo saw it—"
Oh, it's some game they're playing, Techno guesses. He glances back at the boy clinging to him and tries to sound interested.
"Is that so?"
Techno gets treated to one green eye gazing up at him, the other half of the boy’s face still pressed against the fabric of his pants. Ranboo nods shyly and clings to his guardian a little tighter, thumb lodged in his mouth. Techno knows he should scold the kid for failing to break that habit, but it’s just too cute.
The other child is still going on, completely unfazed by the fact that Technoblade isn't actually paying attention to him. "—we're gonna make traps n' catch it—"
"That's nice, Tommy," Techno manages, dodging the kid's grasping hands with impressive agility, given that there's currently another child attached to his other leg. Ranboo doesn't seem particularly upset about getting lifted into the air when his guardian tries to walk, Techno has discovered, so he figures it's fine.
Normally, this is the part where Techno would scoop up his kid and get out of there before he is forced to socialize any further, but suddenly, a shadow falls over Tommy. And then Techno discovers that the kid can actually yell louder because the boy inhales and screams, "WILBUR!" at the top of his lungs. He proceeds to launch himself at the newcomer like a small, blond torpedo.
Wilbur tries to look as dignified as he can while Tommy continues to climb all over him like a human jungle gym. It’s honestly laughable, and the only reason Technoblade isn’t mocking him mercilessly is because Techno would be making himself vulnerable to the same mockery.
"I am so sorry," the poor man says to Technoblade, clutching his glasses so that the kid doesn't send them flying.
"'S fine," Techno says awkwardly. "I'm used to it. Didn't know he was yours, though."
Wilbur looks a little more horrified at this. “He’s my brother,” he explains. "I read him your books sometimes. I thought he was making it up when he said he'd really met y—Tommy, no!"
Tommy has chosen that moment to attempt to achieve flight by launching himself from Wilbur's shoulders. How he got up there is anyone's guess. Techno was watching and he still doesn't know.
Wilbur struggles to juggle the child and his glasses, and Techno takes pity on him and takes the fragile object from him. With both arms, Wilbur manages to scoop up the kid and tuck him under one arm.
"C'mere, gremlin. Thanks, Techno."
"No problem," says Techno, passing back the glasses and trying his best not to cry laughing as Tommy squirms and flails in his brother's hold.
"Noooo! Put me down!"
There's a vibration by his leg, though, and Techno's heart stutters. Looking down, he realizes that his kid's now clutching him for support as his whole body shakes. Techno's heart sinks.
"Kid? You okay?"
The boy looks up at him, and Techno sees the curve of his lips and the visible eye squinting.
Ranboo isn't scared. He's giggling.
Techno lets out a sigh of relief. Disaster averted.
“I didn’t realize you had a kid.” Never mind. Disaster very much imminent. Techno is doomed.
“Yeah, well, it’s not like—I mean, I’m not—" Techno flounders for words. “It’s just, uh, me and him. No one else. And he’s only been here about a year now.”
Wilbur looks surprised. “Really? How does that happen?”
“. . . It’s complicated?” Techno mutters uncomfortably. It's not that it's a terrible secret or anything. It's just that the explanation is long and convoluted, and Techno just really doesn't want to be here, making small talk with his coworker, whilst surrounded by kindergarteners. Tommy may be shrieking the loudest, but he is still only one of many, and Techno can feel the beginning of a headache forming. Small people are exhausting. (Except Ranboo. Ranboo is his heart and soul. Techno still isn't really sure how that happened in the brief time they've been together, but he finds that he doesn't regret a moment of it.)
Thankfully, Wilbur takes the hint.
“Ah,” he says. "Well, uh, it's probably time to head home, right, Tommy?"
"Noooo," Tommy whines. "I want to play with Ranboo!"
"Sorry, Toms, Ranboo has to go home now—"
"But I wanna!" the kindergartener wails.
There's a tug on Techno's pants leg, and Ranboo peeks up at his guardian.
"Play?" he whispers.
Techno should say no. He has work to do and a schedule to keep, after all, but Ranboo has mastered the one-eye puppy dog look, and the kid is fully aware of it. Techno dreads the day when the kid grows out of his shyness and turns it on full blast. Today, it's just the half of his face that isn't pressed against Techno, but Techno already knows that resistance is futile.
Slowly, reluctantly, he looks up at Wilbur. "I am not letting that gremlin into my house."
And that's how he ends up in Wilbur Soot's backyard supervising as Tommy leads Ranboo and some kid called Tubbo around in circles with sticks 'on the hunt for the green blob.'
"Tech-no-BLADE!" Tommy whirls around suddenly, shouting. "You have to teach us how to fight!"
"Absolutely not," says Techno.
"Ranboo, convince him!" Tommy orders.
"Please?" asks Ranboo innocently. He's much more inclined to use his powers of cuteness, Techno has discovered, when his friends are around. It's kind of terrifying when Tommy suddenly has power to enforce his ridiculous ideas.
Techno casts Wilbur the most ominous look he can manage. "Not a word," he hisses. If this gets out, his brand is ruined forever.
Wilbur nods solemnly.
"I'll never tell a soul."