Work Text:
Shen Qingqiu died in Luo Binghe’s arms.
Or rather, he fell asleep. Nothing that Luo Binghe tried could wake Shen Qingqiu up. Luo Binghe took Shen Qingqiu back to his palace among some insignificant noise. He held Shen Qingqiu and cleaned his face as his servants prepared a room for Shen Qingqiu to rest in. Luo Binghe sent his servants away, and only then did he let go of Shen Qingqiu to set him gently down on the bed.
Luo Binghe stepped back. He waited. Shen Qingqiu’s limp head was turned toward him, but he did not open his eyes. Luo Binghe stepped forward to fluff the pillow and arrange Shen Qingqiu’s limbs. So that he would not be sore when he woke up. He removed the headdress and boots and loosened his belt so that he would not be uncomfortable while he slept.
There was no exhale of relaxation once Luo Binghe was done. There was no breath at all.
“You can rest if you’re tired, Shizun,” Luo Binghe said.
Shen Qingqiu’s eyelashes lay still over his cheeks. Luo Binghe remembered that on certain mornings, when there was tedious business to be done, his Shizun would pretend to sleep. Luo Binghe knew because when he called out to him, Shen Qingqiu’s eyelashes would flicker. Sometimes there would even be a little curl to the corner of his lips, like an unwilling smile. It made Luo Binghe want to tell Shizun- I’ll do the work. You don’t have to do a thing. As long as you smile at me like that.
“Shizun,” Luo Binghe said.
There was no response. Shizun really was- he really was asleep this time. Luo Binghe’s breath was coming faster and faster, uselessly. Shen Qingqiu was the one who should have been breathing.
There was something in Luo Binghe’s chest that wanted to come out. It was like a sob. Like a mouthful of blood. Luo Binghe did not want to dirty his Shizun with it. He walked across the room, drew Xin Mo, and let out whatever it was that wanted to come out.
As Luo Binghe swung Xin Mo, he closed his eyes and bitterly lamented. It was not fair. All those days he had spent at Huan Hua Palace, missing Shen Qingqiu, trying to become worthy of Shen Qingqiu, had been for nothing. Luo Binghe wished he had not wasted time when he came back from the Abyss. He wished he had run straight back home to Shizun.
Something came undone under Luo Binghe’s wrathful, overpowering grief and regret. He felt a delicate catch against Xin Mo’s blade, like a sheet of silk tearing.
When he opened his eyes, there was a rift in midair that matched Xin Mo's path. Through the rift there was a familiar bamboo forest. Xin Mo purred in his hand as if anticipating his praise. Luo Binghe still hesitated. He knew better than to jump through any portal that appeared before him. It could be a trap, or an illusion. He therefore peered through it warily, until he saw what was on the other side.
All thoughts of caution disappeared.
"Shizun," Luo Binghe breathed.
The dream-like figure on the other side did not move or otherwise acknowledge Luo Binghe's call. But Luo Binghe could feel that the world through the portal was real. He could feel the cool, refreshing sunlight coming through the bamboo leaves. He could hear the sounds of a stream nearby, like the one by Shizun’s cottage.
Shen Qingqiu faced away from him, his gaze lowered as if he were looking at something on the ground in front of him. His robes and his headdress were both in the simple yet elegant style he'd worn during their reunion in Jinlan City.
This Shen Qingqiu was alive and well and real. Luo Binghe could feel it. Some intuition, or a whisper from Xin Mo, told him it had answered his desire to turn back time.
Luo Binghe smiled. He quickly disguised his own spiritual energy so that it would not alert Shen Qingqiu when he stepped through the rift. He glanced over his shoulder at his own world’s Shen Qingqiu.
“I’ll be back,” he promised.
Then Luo Binghe leapt through the portal.
As soon as his feet were on solid ground, Luo Binghe wanted to run up to Shen Qingqiu, wrap his arms around him, and swear to protect him from now on. But then he inevitably remembered the last time he had held Shen Qingqiu.
He hesitated.
Because the last time Luo Binghe had held Shen Qingqiu-
The last time Luo Binghe had held Shen Qingqiu, Shen Qingqiu had been dying. Worse, it was nothing from which Luo Binghe could save him. Shen Qingqiu had ended his own life and Luo Binghe did not know why. To repay him? To escape him forever? To teach him one final lesson? But if it was a lesson, then it was was a lesson Luo Binghe did not understand. Suddenly, Luo Binghe was afraid of what would happen if he ran up to Shen Qingqiu and embraced him.
He stared at Shen Qingqiu's back instead, caught between fear and desire.
Shen Qingqiu did not seem to notice him. They both stood still and silent, as if it really were a dream, until the sound of approaching footsteps forced Luo Binghe to hide in the bamboo forest. He did not go far. He could not bear to lose sight of Shen Qingqiu. He only retreated enough to hide in the shadows.
"There you are!" someone called.
Shen Qingqiu did not look up. The cheer in that person’s voice did not belong in this solemn scene. Luo Binghe glared at the person who dared to intrude upon Shizun and address him so casually. He was surprised to recognize Shang Qinghua.
"You've really ruined Xiu Ya Sword's reputation," Shang Qinghua said. "What a shitty performance. Do you know Zhangmen-shixiong unofficially benched you?"
"Did he?" Shen Qingqiu asked dully.
“Yup. He announced to all the Peak Lords that we are not to allow you to go on missions by yourself.”
"When?"
"We had another secret meeting about you," Shang Qinghua told him.
Shen Qingqiu looked up at that. Some life returned to his voice in the form of irritation.
"Another? Why were there more than one? Why were there any?"
"Because you're just that pathetic, Cucumber-bro," Shang Qinghua said, patting Shen Qingqiu's arm.
Luo Binghe was bristling with indignation on his Shizun's behalf. The insult, the ignoble nickname, the way Shang Qinghua touched Shen Qingqiu’s arm!
Luo Binghe was a little surprised when Shen Qingqiu hissed and drew his arm away. It seemed a uncharacteristically inelegant reaction, even if it was warranted.
Shang Qinghua seemed surprised too. Then his eyes widened.
"Oh, sorry, is that the arm you injured?"
"Yes, it is," Shen Qingqiu confirmed. He added in a resentful mutter, "It's always this one."
Luo Binghe's stomach plunged. The Shen Qingqiu before him was not well, as Luo Binghe had assumed. Shizun was injured again! This was the same hand that had been injected with Without A Cure. Luo Binghe had to fight the urge to march up to Shen Qingqiu and demand to know how badly he was injured, and which demon had done it.
Shang Qinghua continued chatting.
"If you're still healing, why are you lurking around back here? You can't be training."
Shen Qingqiu did not answer. He returned to posture he’d been holding before Shang Qinghua arrived.
"Oh, is this Bing-ge's...?"
Luo Binghe blinked and followed their gazes for the first time. Shen Qingqiu had been staring at the tablet for a sword mound. The characters upon it were drawn in Shen Qingqiu’s elegant hand. This was the sword mound Shen Qingqiu had built Luo Binghe after pushing him into the Abyss.
"You know he's alive, right?" Shang Qinghua said.
Shen Qingqiu said nothing. Luo Binghe stared. How would Shang Qinghua know? Unless Mobei-Jun had followed Luo Binghe and told Shang Qinghua, for some reason?
"I know," Shen Qingqiu said quietly.
This was another shock for Luo Binghe. Shizun had known. Shizun had known that Luo Binghe was alive. All this time, he had known. Luo Binghe trembled with a mix of emotions. Pain. Betrayal. Grief. Longing. Confusion.
Longing, always longing.
...but, then, why had Shen Qingqiu been so shocked when he met Luo Binghe in Jinlan City?
"So what's the problem? You look like you’re out of your mind with grief even though-“ the taunt ended in a yelp as Shen Qingqiu’s fan hit his head.
Shen Qingqiu had had to turn to the side to use his uninjured arm. For the first time since he had come through the portal, Luo Binghe got to look at his Shizun’s face.
Luo Binghe felt a pang that was half-admiration, half-grief. Shizun's handsome features were just as beautiful and graceful as always. Even angry, there was a brightness to his eyes like the flash of a sword. There was warmth that Luo Binghe missed desperately. He wished he could make those eyes look at him again.
“Who’s out of his mind?” Shen Qingqiu asked.
“I didn’t mean to say it! It’s just, at the meeting, Zhangmen-shixiong-“
Shen Qingqiu raised the fan again.
"Alright, alright, I'll stop saying it!"
Shen Qingqiu gazed at Shang Qinghua with narrowed eyes for a moment. Once he assured himself that Shang Qinghua would behave, Shen Qingqiu turned to face the front again. This time, he held his head high. He was not looking at the sword mound.
"I just don't get it," Shang Qinghua complained. "You did him a favor! He's leveling up down there! He's finding Xin Mo. He'll come out ready to rule the world.”
How, Luo Binghe wondered, could Shang Qinghua possibly know this? More importantly, why did he seem to think Shen Qingqiu would know this too?
Luo Binghe stared intently at Shen Qingqiu, holding his breath for Shen Qingqiu’s reply. Shen Qingqiu’s shoulders were getting more and more tense as Shang Qinghua spoke.
“You even raised him as your beloved disciple. Everyone knew he was the apple of your-”
Suddenly, Shen Qingqiu turned to Shang Qinghua and snapped.
“Binghe is suffering,” Shen Qingqiu said, one word at a time. “He is in hell.”
Luo Binghe swallowed. Shizun had called him “Binghe” again.
Shang Qinghua looked at Shen Qingqiu warily. Shen Qingqiu glared, his normally calm and cool demeanor ablaze with anger. Luo Binghe had never seen such an expression on his Shizun’s face.
Then, like a blaze that had reduced its fuel to ashes, the anger dissipated. Shen Qingqiu took on the expression he wore now whenever he met Luo Binghe; an expression like he had seen a ghost.
“Binghe trusted me. And I stabbed him in the heart before pushing him into hell.”
The weary, guilty statement hung in the air. Shang Qinghua was quiet. Luo Binghe could not breathe. He understood now. He understood that what Shen Qingqiu felt whenever he looked at him was guilt. That was why he ran away from Luo Binghe. That was why he expected Luo Binghe to punish him. It was not loathing, or disgust; it was guilt.
But…but Shang Qinghua was right. Luo Binghe had replayed his Shizun’s final words to him endlessly. Shen Qingqiu had said “I don’t want to kill you,” and it turned out he had meant it. Shen Qingqiu knew Luo Binghe would survive the Abyss and come out stronger.
…was it possible that all this guilt was due to Luo Binghe’s suffering?
Shang Qinghua was not having the same earth-shattering reaction as Luo Binghe.
"It's not like you had a choice," Shang Qinghua said. "I don't know about you, but for me...it's do or die."
“I chose my life over his,” Shen Qingqiu said.
Luo Binghe did not know what he meant, or what danger he had avoided by pushing Luo Binghe, but…but Luo Binghe would have gladly jumped rather than let his Shizun die.
“He’s going to hate me so much when he comes back,” Shen Qingqiu finished mournfully.
No. Never.
“Well, that’s not for another five years,” Shang Qinghua said.
“Four years, six months,” Shen Qingqiu said.
“Wow.”
“Shut up.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
Shen Qingqiu raised his fan again. Shang Qinghua raised his arms as if to fend of his blows.
“Well, if you’re gonna hit me, I might as well say it! You need to eat! Your disciples won’t stop harassing Mu-shixiong!”
“I can practice inedia,” Shen Qingqiu said with a swing at Shang Qinghua’s raised forearm.
“Since when are you an ascetic?”
Shen Qingqiu raised his fan again.
“I’m going to bring this up at our next secret Peak Lord meeting!”
Shang Qinghua then ran away. Shen Qingqiu followed like a snow leopard on the hunt.
Luo Binghe walked out of the forest after they were gone, gazing at the flowing lines of Shen Qingqiu’s silhouette.
“Shizun…why did you not tell me?” he asked.
In his own timeline, he had already failed. His only hope was to apologize and explain once his Shizun woke up. But in this timeline, he had not yet come back from the Abyss. He had not yet made all his mistakes. Shen Qingqiu was still alive, and Luo Binghe knew, this time.