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Silence.
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Static.
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I don't know... since when this void cage started to shackle my existence...
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If I have to experience a thousand reincarnations in this world, then a cliché thing that I want to happen is to meet you, live with you, love you, and die protecting you.
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This body... lay helplessly right on top of my cold bed.
The waving wind blows me despondently. Cold as if it wants to stab into the recesses of my bones. The light around me was dim. gloomy. As if they want to describe my situation. This azure color that shone inside my eyes was then fixed on the expanse of the wall.
Tick.
Tick.
The clock's ticking sound.
There was a hanging clock on the wall.
The clock is ticking...
And the sound of the beat seemed to laugh at the rottenness of my current entity.
Rottenness...of my entity?
Yes, right. My entity is now rotting. Along with the weathering of time. The abundance of age has taken everything from me. My power. My life. And my hope. I'm useless now. Yes. Useless. I could only lie down and do nothing. If I have to be in between a stretch of trash and a pile of dirt, maybe they would never accept my disgusting presence.
Low.
Inappropriate.
The two vile words kept ringing in my brain. Trying to sneak into my maze of logic. They just kept pestering me. Brighten my self-esteem. So that the low word is realized. So that inappropriate words come true. So that I become a lowly being. To make me feel so... unworthy.
And did you know that they succeeded?
They managed to knock me out.
The time. That vile phrase. The ugly truth of my fate…
They have managed to destroy me.
And now... all that's left is...
...
I...
Only...
Want...
...to die.
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Dark... dark... and dark
There's no direction at all
I'm lost
down
In the narrowness of my own thoughts.
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"Kevin."
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That voice…
It's something that keeps me alive to this very day.
Our eyes met. I look at you who stabbed me with a scared look. I've never seen you this worried before. Because you should be…
You are a young man full of optimism. Full of confidence. So wise. So calming. But now…
Why the contradiction?
Why do you look so empty?
"SU..."
"Kevin, how are you? I already brought you some medicine!" As expected. You're like that because of me. Because my situation is getting more and more troublesome. I have to make you stagger to defend my life. The life of a despicable human that is no longer of any use. I have scratched the wound repeatedly on your soul. Sometimes, I've also made you shed tears. And if so...
Why do you still want to be with me?
The person who has been the source of your suffering all this time?
Do you want to destroy yourself with me, SU?
Why?
"Kevin? Why didn't you answer my question?" you ask again. Such a rhetorical question that I didn't know how to answer. I'm sure we understand the reality now. I'm sick. My body is weak. Helpless. And maybe... death will come for me too.
And I understand your situation. You're sick too. Your body is weak. Helpless. And maybe... death will soon pierce your heart.
If I die. So are you.
Not dead in life. But from the heart.
Your body is still standing strong in the eyes of this world.
But from within... you are just a pile of empty essence.
And that fact made me sick even more.
Sorry...
I'm sorry for making you like this.
"I'm fine, SU. Don't worry."
Again lies.
Lies and lies again.
Ah... I don't even remember how many frames of lies I gave you. Lies with the purpose for self-consolation. Even though I know that you will never believe any of my phrases.
Pseudo.
My lies are only camouflage.
Haha... looks like you're not as stupid as I thought, huh? Or maybe, I'm the one who's not talented at being a liar? Who knows. It's not very important right now.
Because with this...
It was certain that I was just a villain in your life.
"Please, Kevin! You need to take your medicine regularly! I'll be here until I know that you're going to get better!"
Hah... Even if I drink my medicine, you will keep staying close to me. Stubborn doctor. Until then, I will not be able to break down your stronghold of determination. You don't want to be away from me for a second. But that's okay... because I don't want to be away from you either.
And I could only silently stare at the enthusiastic gesture that radiates in your naive face.
Beautiful...
Do you know? Your entity is so beautiful in my eyes.
You are so sweet...
Just like an angel.
This undefined feeling is born for you.
And I don't have the power to kill it.
Because this feeling is stronger than I imagined.
This feeling has also been imprinted on me for a long time. Ever since my two azure looked at you. Since you smiled at me. Since you were always near me. Since you thought of me as your most precious person...
I depended on you too.
The only existence that is a niche in the darkness of my life is you.
Is it wrong?
Is it wrong if you become more and more important... to me?
Spit on me if you feel disgusted with me.
But I know...
That you also have the same feelings towards me.
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Our fingers are intertwined. You started sitting near my bed. Smile again. You look at me as if I am the source of your euphoria. You rested the stretch of your cheek against my cold palm. I was shocked.
Your intuition conveyed to me.
"Never leave me alone, Kevin."
...
Alone...
I know you hate being alone. I know that you hate it when I leave. Looks like you're getting more and more dependent on me too. The longer we are together as if there is a common thread that entangles the lives and breaths of each of us.
Even though I'm not afraid to be alone.
Although I'm not afraid of being looked down upon.
Even though I'm not afraid to die.
But if I have to leave you like this...
I'm afraid I won't be able to do it.
.
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Many people say that we love each other
We are inseparable from each other
Love...
They don't even know how I hate that sentence so much...
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I hate this life.
But I have no other choice but to live it.
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If only I had known that the final line of life was death, of course, I would never have wished to live in this world. It's not that I'm an ultimate coward who fears death. Not because of that. However... What I'm afraid of is you. Because I have to leave you alone. I couldn't always be with you.
I've never been afraid of death. I'm just worried about you.
Life.
Nothing is absolute in this world. All have limits. All will eventually end. There's a beginning. There is also the end. Even though you will also go after me someday, still I have to scratch you first.
I don't want to hurt you by leaving.
But how could I rebel against my own fate? Since life is not something you can control by yourself...
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"How much more time is left for me?"
"Not more than a month, Kevin."
"Can I extend the time just a little bit?"
"The chances of it are too slim. Your illness is too severe. Sorry for our limitations. There's nothing we can do now..."
"..."
.
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Ah... it seems that the line of death is unavoidable. All I can do now is wait until my death strings are plucked. Now, I know what it feels like to be helpless. This nightmare is excruciating.
Haha...
I don't think so.
Waiting for death...
… can be more painful than death itself.
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"K-Kevin..."
Exactly the day I had to endure the clutches of death. I saw you bowed mutely with tears falling from the corners of your fuchsia eyes. You can't hold it in anymore. Haha... take a look. This is proof that I'm a failed best friend, isn't it?
I can only make you cry.
I've made you sick.
I destroyed you.
Do I deserve to be called a friend?
"You promised that you would never leave me, Kevin. You promised that you would never die." The explanation was like a knife that slashed me from the inside. I'm just a savage liar now. Beat me up for not being able to keep my promise. I was powerless even against my destiny.
And I can't stand to see you like this anymore.
I couldn't comfort you anymore. You don't need lies. This fact is too cruel to be ignored. We're both just pawns tossed around on this cruel destiny. Endure. All we can do now is endure it.
We must be able to endure the cruelty of God's trials.
Even though my life is only a short time away...
Is it wrong that I want a glimmer of a miracle?
"I have a dream, SU..." I pulled your arm slowly. I hold your body close to me. You leaned your face there. Wet. I feel your tears fall on my body. I gently stroke your soft long hair. I formed a thin smile so painfully.
"If I die later, I want to die protecting you..."
"K-Kevin..." your whole body trembled. I know that you are getting helpless. You shook your head quickly. Do you want to resist your emotions? I can take it.
"You won't die! Y-You... you can't die, Kevin! YOU CAN'T DIE!"
"If I can manage my life... of course, I don't want death either, SU. Because death will only separate me from you. And I hate it when I have to leave you alone. Because you are my life..." Your sobs were getting frequent. You whispered 'don't die' over and over to me. My vision is getting darker. My strength was eroded.
No matter how strong I am, but basically, I'm just a weak man who also can cry, SU.
I can cry if I feel pain.
However, this time...
I decided to... laugh.
Yes. I'm laughing. Because I don't want to look weak in front of you. I didn't spit out the slightest sound of sobs. Even though these azure had already drowned in tears. I don't want you to see I'm crying.
I lean my face against the stretch of your hair. How ironic. You kept on crying in pain. While I just laughed in the pain of regret. This situation is such a bittersweet contradiction. But basically, we feel the same way.
Pain.
"Ukghh… K-Kevin..."
"You never changed, didn't you? You are still a crybaby just like your high school days! Come on, SU. Don't cry anymore! You are a grown-up Doctor now. It's embarrassing."
"I don't care! Of course, I'm crying because I don't want to lose you! I don't want to lose you, Kevin!" How stubborn. You hug me tighter. You pressed your face in between my neck now. The warm tears of yours make me shake even more. The pain is getting to me. Your frailty makes me tremble. Why am I more and more unable to face all this? I can't look weak in front of you. Because if I'm fragile too, then no one will be able to support you right now.
I must be strong. To give you the last strength to keep on living alone.
Please, SU...
Don't think of my departure as the beginning of your destruction...
"I-I... love you so much, Kevin..."
"SU..." the phrase you muttered weakly surprised me. Your confession hit me so cruelly. My two azure eyes widened in disbelief. You said things that made me completely powerless. My whole body was shaking helplessly. How could that be?
How can you say such a phrase?
Love...
I hate it.
I hate that phrase.
Because that phrase is not enough to describe what I feel for you. Love... that phrase isn't strong enough. It's not big enough to cover all my pent-up feelings. It won't be able to.
Because of what?
I can explain why.
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Love...
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Sometimes the bond of friendship is called love. But not. Love in a bond of friendship is not a feeling that I harbor for you. You're not just a friend to me. More. You're more than that. Your existence means more than my own life. And if you mean so much to me, how can I give you such shallow love?
I will never respect you with such low feelings.
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And I really hate love in brotherhood.
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You think of me as if I'm your own brother. However, the truth is I don't want to give you this sibling love. Because this kind of love will not allow me to harbor even deeper feelings. I will never be able to love you completely. There will be norms and ethical boundaries that will stand in my way. I don't want this feeling to be limited. Because you deserve my greatest feelings. You're the only one who can have that.
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The love between lovers.
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This is the last form of love that sometimes makes me sick. Fed up? Haha... yes, that's right. If people say that this is the strongest and deepest form of love, for me... this form of love is still not strong enough to become the true embodiment of my feelings. This love is based on lust. Feelings of love for the person you like the most. Only this love can make human beings fully united. Both in psychic and physical contact.
But this is still not enough.
This form of love is still not strong enough!
Physique. Desire. Lust. The phrase: I love you. All of it is just a cliché thing, SU. My feelings are deeper than that. More real than that. This feeling is too much for me! Until my body could barely contain it. Until the destruction further tore my sanity. My mind is deteriorating. Do I deserve to reward you with this kind of love?
No.
That kind of love is still not enough.
My feelings are too deep for you...
It's so deep that no single phrase could describe it in this world.
Even too big to exist in this dimensional universe of life which is full of limitations.
I won't be able to fully express my feelings for you, SU...
Because the world we live in is not quite... perfect.
What a shame. There is only the phrase 'love' that humans can express to represent their greatest feelings. And that phrase is too small to describe how I feel for you. My feelings are absolute. Impossible to erode. If possible... I want to find a new phrase that can convey my feelings to you.
Words are not enough to describe it.
Physical contact will only be symbolic of self-desire.
Humans do have limitations for that...
Maybe... There's only one way to prove your dedication to me. The only way to describe how much I feel for you.
Feelings that are deeper and sincere than love. This way is still not enough for me.
However...
This is all I can do amid my limitations as a... human.
This is all I can give you.
Just to the extent of... this.
Forgive me.
"I swear, SU. If I have to experience a thousand reincarnations in this world, then a cliché thing that I want to happen is to meet you, live with you, love you, and die... protecting you.
"K-Kevin..."
The curse of reincarnation.
I'm willing to pledge it in front of you. Just before death came for me. I swear that I will live and live again just for you. I will live just to protect you. I breathe just to be with you. I will be a useful person and will die... for you. This is just a small picture of how I feel. This is a small form... of my love for you.
The threads of our destiny have been intertwined.
We will be reborn in this mortal world.
As far as any universes we live in...
Our fate...
Will...
Be Merged.
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"Hey! Who the hell are you? You just want to enter my territory!"
"Y-You saved me from those bullies yesterday. Please, I-I just want to be your friend!"
"Huh? Friends? Forget it! Just stay away from me!"
"No! Please, I don't want to leave you! I will follow you forever!"
"W-What!"
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I will be reincarnated...
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"Are you alright? That car almost hit you!"
"Uhh... apologize. I couldn't see it just now."
"You reckless."
"Uhh... I'm SU! Thanks for saving me."
"You're welcome. My name is Kevin. Next time, please be careful on the road."
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On and on and on reincarnating...
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"Your matchmaking has been arranged. To preserve our family lineage, you two must unite in marriage!"
"W-What! B-But, why should I marry a man, Mom!"
"Don't protest too much! Prince Kevin is the most perfect man for you. You must marry him, SU!"
"WHAT!"
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I will come back alive...
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"What is his name? SU was it? What a pity. That young man has kidney failure."
"We need to find a donor who will give us one of his kidneys, Doctor!"
"But, we haven't found a donor-"
"Uhh... sorry? Do you guys need a kidney donor? Maybe I can give it to this young man."
"Ah, W-who are you?"
"I'm Kevin Kaslana. Incidentally, I once met him at the restaurant where I worked. I have to help him immediately. If my donor is compatible with him, just give him part of my kidney! I'm ready!"
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Just to be with you...
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"Stay away from him! If you dare to gang up on him again, I'll kill you one by one!"
"T-That's Kevin Kaslana! The leader of the Flame Chaser delinquent gang!"
"What! W-Why is he here?"
"Let's hurry! We must run now! We can't beat him! He's too strong!"
"Just wait for our revenge, SU!"
"..."
"Uhh... t-thanks for helping me."
"Tch. You are such a weak kid."
"W-What? Hey! Why did you just leave me like that! Hey, WAIT!"
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Just to accompany you...
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"I love you, Kevin! Please, Marry me!"
"Huh? W-What? Who the hell are you-"
"I'm SU. The sexiest model in Nagazora-"
"F-Famous model? Are you kidding me!?"
"No. Couldn't you see my beauty?"
"Uhh…"
"How about it?"
"..."
"..."
"Maybe a date won't hurt to try."
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Just to love you...
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"Leave this place, SU… Project Valuka must continue."
"K-Kevin, why!?"
"Thank you."
"W-What...?"
"Thank you for always being with me and… loving me."
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And will only die... to protect you.
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Tick
Tick
Tick
The ticking clock...
So lonely...
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"Kevin."
"Hmm?"
"If I reincarnate later, is it okay if I'm the one who will die to protect you?"
"..."
"..."
"No."
"Eh? Why!?"
"Only I will be the one who dies to protect you."
"But, I want to protect you too!"
"Can you win against those bullies then?"
"That… uhh I-I will learn some martial art to defeat them."
"Hahaha..."
"What so funny!? I'm serious!"
"You are such a nerd, you know that."
"What's wrong with being a nerd who can fight bullies?"
"No. Nothing wrong about it."
"..."
"..."
"Kevin."
"What now?"
"I... love you."
"..."
"..."
"I love you too, SU."