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I jerked awake .
Tears had soaked my pillow and I was drowning in snot.
(xylene smell) yuk.
My hair was matted from the combination of things in it.
JAMES. IF you saw me now ....well you were always rude about my hair.!. But no, this is real neglect . This is me not having washed properly in days, because I just did not care anymore. The more I smelt, the more people would just FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE? I had been sweating and tossing relentlessly. Bits of grit from the lab work ruining my vision ; bleary eyed tea stains across my glasses . The reek of ( sour milk ). Probably drool and oh! ( shit smells bad. )
Cat hairs.? No of course not. James had laughed at me for having bald cats, buT seriously?
His name on my lips from my fever cries at knowing I would never see him again. He had never loved me never needed me like I needed him. Arggh. In all the years he had gone , did he care? Of course not. It was one thin slither of regret, when in need of my help. That is all. The cheek of him, to say he had missed me!? I don't believe it. When had he ever shown me compassion. All those times I had done my duty but he had taken my heart and given nothing in return. Nothing! Any time, any place, anywhere: except with me!
.
Jjjjaaamesss James James.
Bond yes I am bonded to you, locked into your singularity, turned forever facing towards you, unable to break away. I am spun round your black devouring hole drawing me in, burning me up. I am hitting the event horizon where past and future spirals together and just stops . Your gravity wave pulls me to pieces teasing ( me) apart. I am caught in your arms Frozenpowerless beneath your body begging for your touch needing your lips pressing into mine, James. James. oh God. James. Your ultraviolet lazer eyes burning straight through my heart. It hurts , I scream. One last time tearing me up..
JAMES. Leave now ( don't leave ). DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.
I had cried myself to sleep yet again. Yet another night's sleep fractured leaving me high and dry, shaken not stirred.