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It’s been hard for Felix, since Chan passed. Everyone around him could tell that much. It’s as if when Chan died, he took Felix’s soul with him.
Two months ago, it was Felix inviting everyone to hang out after work Friday nights. It was Felix cooking soup and bringing it over when Seungmin caught a cold and Hyunjin had to work overtime. It was Felix and Chan, inviting everyone over to their apartment because Chan got a promotion at work after the album he produced for a soloist won an award.
It was sudden. Chan was on his way home from a late night in the studio, he had promised to bring dinner with him. Felix told him he didn’t have to, to just take the subway. He wanted him home faster. Chan had insisted on walking, said he felt bad that this was the third night in a row he had gotten out late. He had said he would run over to their favorite pork belly spot, then he’d be home in 10 minutes.
Felix thought he was taking a little too long at first. He thought he should maybe call him when it was an hour past when Chan said he left work. He thought it was strange when an unknown number was calling him. He thought it was strange when he picked up and the woman on the other end of the line knew his name. He thought it was strange when the woman asked if he knew Chan. He thought it was a joke when she told him at first. He thought she was lying when she said it was a freak accident. He still thought it was a lie as two police officers handed him Chan’s phone, wallet, and a small box.
He broke when he typed the passcode into the cracked screen, and the phone opened to Chan’s messages with Minho from when he was walking home that night.
‘ i just picked up the ring. i’m gonna ask him next week on his birthday ’
Felix could barely sleep. He hadn’t had a full nights rest in god knows how long. The only times he sleeps more than a few hours now is after he’s cried himself to sleep.
Most nights, Felix didn’t dream. He would fall into a few hours of nothingness, waking up so many times he didn’t know what was reality and what was rest. The nights he did dream, they were all memories. Memories of him and Chan. Memories of just Chan. Memories of everything they did together. Memories of every first Chan took him through. Memories of every holiday spent together since high school. Memories of every midterm and final season spent studying together. Memories of getting their first jobs after graduating. Memories of every accomplishment and bad day they got through together.
Then came the nightmares. The nights when Felix slept for one hour at most, then spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling. When his brain would conjure up the image of what happened to Chan. When he would picture the car speeding down the street, Chan sending that text to Minho before he looked up at the lights heading towards him. When his mind would give him close ups of what Chan must have looked like, lying on the street, in the ambulance, on the hospital gurney. Lifeless.
That's all Felix has felt since that night. He’s been going through everyday as if he’s not in his own body. As if it’s a machine controlling him instead of his own mind. He wouldn’t mind that, being able to leave his own body, let something else take over so he could shut his brain off and hopefully never have to turn it back on.
His mind won’t let him though. It screams at him, most days. Telling him he could have prevented it. If he had just insisted a little more that Chan should come home sooner, if he had gone to meet Chan to bring him home himself. Telling him that it should have been him. Chan had so much more to do, so much more to live for. Chan would have dealt with it better, would have been able to process and grieve better. Chan would have gone on to do so much more.
But it was Chan, not him. And he doesn’t know how to live this life without Chan there.
He doesn’t know how to stop crying everyday, breaking down at the coffee machine at work. He doesn’t know how to tell his coworkers he doesn’t need their sympathy, their pitying looks as he tries to hide the sniffles leaving him as he sits at his desk and types. He doesn’t know how to tell his friends he just can’t bring himself to leave his couch once he’s home, how it’s the only place in the house where he can see his life with Chan in the pictures and furniture they picked out together.
So Felix lays in bed at night, like he’s doing right now. He’s staring at the side table, at the only picture Chan had put on his nightstand. The picture from Felix’s 20th birthday, their friends all candidly laughing in the background of their living room. The foreground was Felix, smiling widely at the camera, and Chan, arm around his waist and grinning as he looks at Felix.
He doesn’t know what time it is. He doesn’t know how long he’s been lying down. He doesn’t know when this living nightmare will end.
“Chan,” he whispers, eyes glued to the picture. “Chan. I miss you. I miss you so much. I don’t know how to keep going without you here. I don’t know how to go on with my life.”
He sniffles, voice still soft, cracking every few syllables.
“I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I can do. You were the one who knew. You knew what you were doing. You knew what I was doing. It hurts Chan. It hurts so much.”
He’s louder, tone getting harsher, voice scratchy from the sobbing and lack of speaking. He’s sitting up now, grabbing the picture with both hands as tears paint his cheeks.
“Chan I need you here. I need you with me. I don’t know how to do anything without you here. Chan, I need you back. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t care, just come back. They keep saying you’ll never come back. Everyone keeps saying you’re in a better place. I can’t take you being somewhere else. I need you back.”
His voice is ripping from his throat, louder than it’s been used in months.
“I just need you to come back. I don’t care how! Haunt me then! Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad! Just fucking come- just come back! Chan… Chan just come back!”
He falls back, picture frame gripped to his chest. His sobbing is loud, but his screaming is louder. He gasps, looking for air that’s been mixed up with the tears. His eyes are shut, and he falls asleep at some point.
His dreams are of Chan again, walking around their room as he watches from the bed. Chan walks over to him, kissing his forehead. He pulls away, looking at every feature, every freckle on his face. They make eye contact as Chan tells him, “This is the only way I can come back.”
Felix wakes up to his friends in his apartment, his bedroom door open and Changbin sitting on the edge of his bed. He’s watching him as Felix opens his eyes, sniffling. Felix says nothing as Changbin offers him a smile.
“We brought some breakfast- if you’re up for it.” Changbin pats his knee, giving him time to wake up.
Their friends are loud outside his room. It’s familiar. It’s like old times. He nods, picking up the ring on the bedside table and slipping it on. He lets himself be lead out of his cold bed and into the warmth of his friends.