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It’s happening again, Mark notes with anticipation lying somewhere in his heart. A soft warm blanket is draped over his body before the light behind his eyelids dim as a shadow falls over him. Soft lips touch his skin, almost like leaves falling on an autumn day. His entire body relaxes after the lips leave and a sigh escapes his chest, content.
“Night, Mark.” Donghyuck whispers quietly with a gentle swipe at his cheek with his thumb. Mark doesn’t move, his breathing pattern doesn’t change as he tries to hold the facade of a sleeping boy.
It’s been happening so much more often nowadays. Whenever Mark takes a nap on the couch, Donghyuck will lay a blanket over him and plant a tiny kiss on his forehead before leaving. It’s intimate in a way that Mark doesn’t know what to make out of, and Donghyuck doesn’t seem too keen on addressing it any time soon. After all, whenever he does this, it’s always when he believes that Mark is in slumber.
Except he’s not. Mark sleeps on the couch for the exact reason of wanting to get a kiss on the forehead from his roommate. It’s embarrassing, but Mark doesn’t know how to tell Donghyuck that he is completely and utterly fine with him giving him forehead kisses even when he’s conscious.
That would be too weird, right? It’s not like Mark particularly likes reciprocating Donghyuck’s physically affectionate gestures when he’s awake.
Mark sighs, this time much heavier, before rolling around and adjusting his position. He falls asleep like that, with confusion swimming in his chest.
-
In complete Mark-style, he decides that the logical decision to make is to consult his friends. He comes to regret this decision when Johnny outright laughs at him.
“So what you’re saying is that you want him to kiss you when you’re awake?” Johnny asks after his wheezing has ceased. Red powders Mark’s cheeks and he glances around the cafe, afraid of being overheard. Johnny doesn’t seem to care, though. “And you’re still not sure if you like him.”
Mark squeezes his eyes shut and nods.
Johnny stops laughing, the mirth disappearing. “Can I ask why you’re so unsure about this?”
“I mean, I’ve only ever liked girls…” Mark says slowly. “And even then, those relationships have never really worked out.”
It’s a subject that Mark doesn’t like to talk about a lot, mostly because it’s embarrassing. Every woman Mark has been with has broken up with him for the same exact reason and it’s something like failure to perform well in bed.
“Do you think maybe it’ll be better when you’re with a guy?” Johnny asks. Mark’s face scrunches up.
“I don’t know,” Mark says dejectedly. I don’t think so, he thinks.
“Do you want to try?” Johnny asks. Mark’s face twinges. Johnny laughs. “Nevermind.”
Mark flushes. He’s starting to think that maybe something is wrong with him, what with the way he’s completely unable to have sex. It’s not even anything about his libido, he jerks off fine enough by himself, it’s just that whenever he gets close to other people, there’s just no spark there.
It’s embarrassing.
“It’s cool, dude, maybe you’ll find the one someday.” Johnny says reassuringly. Mark doesn’t think he ever actually wants to find the one, sex just feels like a thing he never wants to participate in with anyone, ever. “In the meantime, you have your roommate issue.”
“Please don’t remind me,” Mark groans.
“You literally came here for my advice on this exact situation.”
“Yeah, but still…” Mark gestures vaguely. “I don’t know if I like him.”
“So far you’ve told me that he’s really pretty, reminds you of the sun, and that you want to give him flowers on random days of the week because it’s what he deserves.” Johnny lists.
“Is that what liking someone feels like?” Mark asks, still wary.
“Is this what you felt for everyone else you’ve ever liked?” Johnny asks.
“It’s a little different? But yeah,” Mark answers slowly. “But none of them ended up working out.”
He ended up not feeling enough, apparently, what with the way everyone has always dumped him feeling disappointed.
“Doesn’t mean you should just stop trying. You know what they say, if you like him don’t let him go.” Johnny jokes, winking to cushion the effect. Mark rolls his eyes, turning aside to mock a gag.
He’s not necessarily sure how he feels anymore. His last relationship was a year ago, and he’s not hung up over any of his exes but he likes to think that he truly did like them when they were dating.
-
Mark finds himself flicking through the television channels on a Saturday morning with Donghyuck lying on his lap, scrolling through Twitter on his phone. It’s comfortable in the way warmth blooms in his chest whenever he glances down to look at Donghyuck.
Eventually, Donghyuck places his phone by his side and sighs aloud, drawing Mark’s attention.
“I’m bored.”
“Clearly,” Mark drawls, looking back at the television. Donghyuck smacks him in the stomach.
“Entertain me,” Donghyuck pouts.
“I’m watching a show.”
“Then stop watching,” Donghyuck huffs.
“For you? Never,” Mark sticks his tongue out at Donghyuck. He scowls in return. “Why not just text somebody.”
“No, wanna talk to you.” Donghyuck says. It makes something light up within him, something small, stupid but significant. Mark hates feeling like he’s special, because he knows that it’s usually just his mind over analysing words and jumping to conclusions by itself.
“Then talk.”
“Pay attention to me,” Donghyuck whines, now looking up at him with his eyes squinted and lips pressed together. Mark can’t help himself when he looks down, giving him every ounce of his attention.
His fingers card through Donghyuck’s hair, and he can’t help but snort at the imagery of Donghyuck being a cat.
“I’m paying attention,” Mark says, brushing a strand of hair away from Donghyuck’s face. Donghyuck doesn’t seem to register his words, his eyes lightly glazed over as he stares at Mark. “Hey?”
“Oh, right, yeah.” Donghyuck clears his throat, eyes darting around before they land on Mark again.
“You’re staring.”
“I know,” Donghyuck grins. Mark exhales, not knowing how to reply. His gaze falls back onto the television, just so he doesn’t have to face Donghyuck’s expectant stare. It’s really just his luck that the movie he was watching ends up on some sex scene between the two love interests.
Mark immediately tenses up awkwardly, trying to look for the remote controller so that he doesn't have to live through this really awkward moment with Donghyuck.
“What?” Donghyuck asks, turning to look at the television. He snorts before turning around and poking Mark’s side. “Chill, it’s just a sex scene. What are you, a virgin?”
Mark flushes. He puts the remote down but lowers the volume until the sounds are barely audible. He’s not a virgin by a long shot, but it feels like he’s one sometimes. His experiences just didn’t feel real, and he never actually wanted to have sex all those times. He just felt like he had to.
Donghyuck hums, content with pressing into Mark’s stomach from his position. Mark looks at him, rolling around the question in his head.
Donghyuck must seem to notice because he ends up meeting his eyes with a quirked eyebrow. “What is it?”
Mark presses his lips together. He clears his throat awkwardly, averting his eyes.
“Do you ever feel like… uncomfortable during sex?” Mark asks slowly. Donghyuck’s finger stills from its playful prodding before staring at Mark inquisitively.
“Sometimes,” Donghyuck admits. “But what kind of discomfort?”
“Like, just uncomfortable about the whole ordeal.” Mark states. His tongue feels too heavy in his mouth and every word lies dry.
“The whole ordeal? No,” Donghyuck replies. “Usually, if I don’t like something I just tell them to change it or to stop it. Why?”
Mark’s face twists.
“Do you feel uncomfortable during sex?” Donghyuck asks cautiously.
“No,” Mark says instinctively before forcing himself to take a short inhale. “Yes. Kinda. Like, I don’t want to do it and it’s hard to like… get hard? But in the act I guess it’s somewhat enjoyable.”
He’s lying, and he feels so filthy for lying to Donghyuck of all people. He doesn’t like sex at all. He just forces himself to go through it to please his girlfriends.
“Have you considered maybe you just don’t like girls?” Donghyuck asks. Mark stares blankly at the television for a second before he shakes his head.
“I liked being with them,” Mark says quietly. “I liked being with most of the people I dated.”
“Hm, have you considered trying it with a guy?” Donghyuck asks, eyeing Mark.
“I’ve thought about it…” Mark replies honestly. “But I don’t think it’ll work? I don’t think there’s a difference.”
Donghyuck frowns further. “So you just don’t find anyone sexually attractive.”
Donghyuck says it like a statement, and it’s a statement that has been floating in Mark’s head for a long time. For it to just be said aloud made it seem so real and tangible. Mark tenses up, fingers curling in on itself.
“Yeah,” Mark whispers. “I think there’s something wrong with me.”
His vision blurs significantly after the words leave his mouth, and when he blinks, something wet slips down his cheeks. Donghyuck immediately lifts himself off of Mark’s lap.
“Oh, baby, there’s nothing wrong with you.” Donghyuck says quickly, moving to sit himself on Mark’s lap. He wipes away the tear tracks down his cheeks and the wetness at the corners of his eyes. “There’s nothing wrong with you at all.”
“Then why does it feel so wrong?” Mark asks, pained. “I can’t even… I don’t know.”
Donghyuck purses his lips, a hand still resting on Mark’s cheek while the other combed through his hair.
“Have you heard of asexuality?” Donghyuck asks evenly. Mark stares at him blankly. The word sounds familiar, but it’s not something that Mark has really encountered before. Donghyuck smiles kindly. “It’s like someone who doesn’t feel sexual attraction to anyone regardless of gender.”
Mark blinks, a single excess tear falling from his eyes. Donghyuck wipes that away gently too.
“Um,” Mark whispers. “I don’t… I still want to fall in love, though?”
His voice cracks with uncertainty at his final word but he can’t find it in himself to feel embarrassed when Donghyuck laughs quietly. He’s rubbing comforting circles with his thumb onto his cheekbone and Mark doesn’t think he’s ever felt this cozy.
“There’s different types of attraction, silly. You don’t have to be sexually attracted to someone to like them romantically. You can still fall in love if you’re asexual,” Donghyuck says easily. “They’re not a single entity, y’know?”
Mark stares at Donghyuck. There’s something odd bubbling inside of him, like being in transition from confusion to realisation. At an ecotone of sorts.
“Oh,” Mark exhales. “I didn’t know.”
“Right? Our society has a way of making everything about sex,” Donghyuck says as he removes his hand from Mark’s cheek to pick up his phone. “It must’ve been alienating, right?”
Mark blinks, eyes watering yet again. Donghyuck glances at him and smiles, all endearing.
“I’ll send you a few websites you can look through, just so you can understand yourself better.” Donghyuck says, thumbing through his phone. “You can read through this by yourself, no rush. You don’t have to find a label and smack it on right away.”
Mark’s phone vibrates by his side and Donghyuck clicks his own phone to switch it off, a satisfied grin on his face. Mark’s still staring at him with wide eyes, searching his face for any sign of disgust or confusion but Donghyuck’s always been good at holding himself with confidence.
“Thank you,” Mark says softly.
“It’s nothing,” Donghyuck says, rubbing Mark’s cheek with his knuckles. “I don’t like seeing you upset.”
He slides off of Mark’s lap gracefully, instead hugging himself close to Mark’s side. It’s like he’s lost something but gained another at the same time.
“Cuddles are okay?” Donghyuck asks quietly. “Or should I leave you to stew in your sexuality crisis?”
Mark’s eyelids flutter shut. In lieu of a reply, he allows his head to fall onto Donghyuck’s.
“Cuddles are okay,” Mark breathes. “I don’t want to think about it right now.”
-
Mark finds himself curled on the couch later that afternoon, cool air hitting his bare legs from where his shorts end. He’s contemplating the newfound information Donghyuck gave to him in the morning when something soft is draped over him.
Mark has lived through this scene many times, so he stays stock still as the light disappears from behind his eyelids again. Soft lips caress his forehead in a single intimate gesture before his bangs are being swept to the side.
“Sleep well,” Donghyuck murmurs quietly.
Mark relaxes into the sound of his voice, like a child in the presence of a lullaby.
-
At night, when the air is dense enough to suppress the anxiety of trying to figure himself out, he switches on his phone underneath the blankets.
It feels a little like committing a crime even when it shouldn’t.
He clicks onto one of the websites with bated breath, nervous at what he might find.
He spends the night like that, scrolling through different tabs and reading so many words that his brain eventually shuts down and he loses consciousness.
He wakes up the next morning still confused about himself but at least Donghyuck doesn’t act any different around him.
(he realises later on that coming to terms with his own identity is not supposed to be an overnight event.)
-
He finds solace in the way Donghyuck kisses his forehead while he’s ‘asleep’ in the afternoons, like shelter in the midst of a heavy storm.
And a week after internalising and digesting the fact that romantic and sexual attraction are in fact, different, he realises just how much he likes Donghyuck.
He’d give him the moon if he could, but Mark is just a human.
-
“Hey dude?” Mark calls. Johnny looks at him from where he’s seated.
“What’s up?”
“I don’t want to have sex,” Mark admits. The words feel less heavy after weeks of considering it. “Ever. I don’t want to fuck anyone ever.”
Johnny frowns. “Are you sure? Maybe you’ll know in the future-”
“No, I’m sure.” Mark says, adamant. “It’s a thing, y’know? Asexuality. Donghyuck told me about it.”
Johnny blinks, clearly surprised. “So you’re okay? With just, not having sex ever?”
“Better than okay,” Mark nods. “It’s kinda disgusting actually.”
Johnny stares at him for a long moment before laughing. “Sure.”
“And also,” Mark says, this time much less confident in himself. “I like Donghyuck.”
Johnny pauses, and Mark can see the conflict between sexual and romantic attraction going on in his head.
“In a ‘I-wanna-give-him-flowers-everyday’ kinda way?” Johnny asks. Mark nods aggressively, happy that he actually understood him. “That’s nice.”
Mark grins, his insides turning to mush.
“Are you ever going to tell him?” Johnny asks. Mark nods again.
“Yeah, probably.” Mark says. “I mean, it’s going to be awkward because we’re roommates, but I feel a little more confident in myself.”
“Because you understand yourself better?” Johnny asks.
“Yeah,” Mark hums. “I guess there’s always the probability that he rejects me because I’m, y’know, asexual. It’s what everyone else has dumped me for before even if I didn’t know it back then, so I wouldn’t be surprised but I wanna try at least.”
Johnny smiles at him, eyes crinkling at the corners. “I’m proud of you.”
Mark beams. “Thank you.”
-
It’s easier said than done though, because Donghyuck is the sun and Mark is a mere human. He doesn’t know the right time to bring it up, not when Donghyuck always seems so out of reach.
Sure, he cuddles Mark through the mornings but the idea of him actually liking Mark just seemed to feel so out of place; almost like a joke or too much wishful thinking.
He doesn’t know how to tell Donghyuck because there’s always the fact that they’re literal roommates which means it could lead to something very, very awkward if handled incorrectly.
There’s also the Forehead Kissing Thing that makes Mark more confused than ever because is this a thing Donghyuck does for all of his friends?
His unusually quiet demeanour must’ve been detected by Donghyuck because he eventually asks him about it while lying on his lap.
“What’s wrong?” Donghyuck asks, tracing letters into Mark’s thigh. He plays with Donghyuck’s hair distractedly, wondering where to place the conversation. Ultimately, he gives up and chooses the safest option.
“I’m kinda tired,” Mark says, sewing fatigue into his voice to come off believable. Donghyuck nods, not questioning it as he lifts himself off of Mark’s lap.
“Wanna lie down?” Donghyuck asks, patting the couch. Mark smiles gratefully even if he’s not that tired. Donghyuck sits on the other end of the couch with Mark’s feet on his lap.
Honestly, Mark would’ve preferred it much more if his head was in Donghyuck’s lap but he was tongue tied and frankly didn’t dare to complain.
He shuts his eyes as Donghyuck looks through his phone on the other end of the couch. He doesn’t quite know how much time passes but eventually, Donghyuck lifts up his feet to place down onto the couch.
Mark’s breath hitches as he waits for the familiar weight of the blanket to come.
A gust of wind cuts through the relatively calm air and something comes settling down on top of him in waves. The shadow appears before his eyelids again and Mark lies still, all of his focus directed at regulating his breathing.
A warm hand cups Mark’s cheek before soft lips touch his forehead gently. Mark figures it out in that split second — it feels like the first snow.
Like standing in an obsolete ghost town, bare of anything but old buildings made of chipped bricks and the emotions of humans long faded — where white flaky bits of snow falling from the sky in symmetrical shapes.
In short, it was sort of magical in a way, a miracle witnessed by the human eye. And Mark was special enough to feel like that.
He doesn’t register it when his hand flies up to wrap around Donghyuck’s wrist, nor does he realise it when his eyes pry themselves open to look at Donghyuck.
He looks stunned, a deer caught in headlights as he looks back down at Mark.
“Um, hi.” Donghyuck greets, the red slowly being injected into his cheeks. Mark stares, transfixed at the flustered reaction. It’s adorable, actually.
“Hey,” Mark greets quietly in return.
“Sorry,” Donghyuck says, the flush growing darker. “It’s probably weird.”
He tries to pull away but Mark holds his wrist there, putting him in an awkward position.
“Um,” Donghyuck gestures.
“It’s not weird,” Mark assures him. It only makes Donghyuck pull his shoulders to his ears, though.
“Sorry,” Donghyuck apologises again.
“It’s okay,” Mark says before inhaling. Everything feels hazy and he knows that it’s because of the adrenaline pumping through his veins. “You can do that when I’m awake, y’know?”
Donghyuck blinks at him in quick succession, as if not quite sure if he’s hearing it right.
“Um, sure?” Donghyuck squeaks eventually.
Mark releases his hold on Donghyuck’s hand so that he’s no longer hovering on top of him. Instead, he hauls himself up so that the blanket pools around his waist. Donghyuck moves to shuffle awkwardly by the couch, glancing at Mark periodically.
Mark pets the space beside him, holding up the blanket for Donghyuck to shuffle under it comfortably. He settles down stiffly by Mark’s side, so Mark does the only logical thing — pulling him closer until they’re cuddling.
“Don’t be weird about this,” Mark scolds without much heat.
“I’m not,” Donghyuck whines. “This is so embarrassing.”
“Why do you even do it?” Mark asks, a question that he’s been wanting an answer to for the past few months. Donghyuck flushes more.
Donghyuck moves to hide his face in the crook of his neck, his hair tickling Mark and causing him to giggle. The sound seems to calm Donghyuck down, because he relaxes by his side, a sigh brushing over Mark’s skin.
“Sorry,” Donghyuck whispers again.
“Stop apologising,” Mark says, pinching his thigh.
“I just am,” Donghyuck groans. “I just, I don’t know, oh my god.”
He sounds absolutely mortified. Mark laughs, running his hand up and down Donghyuck’s thigh as he waits for him to collect his thoughts.
“I just,” Donghyuck inhales. “You’re cute when you sleep, and I just, really maybe kinda like you.”
Mark freezes, wondering if he heard that right.
Donghyuck seems to burrow even further into his neck. “Sorry.”
“Stop apologising,” Mark repeats. “I um, I like you too.”
It’s Donghyuck’s turn to still out of shock before he’s prying himself free of his safe place and looking at Mark with big, wide eyes. They’re shimmering with something, almost like a cartoon. Mark adores that about him.
“You’re serious?” Donghyuck asks. “Like, dead serious? You’re not just doing this because you caught me kissing your forehead and wanted to make things less awkward?”
“What? No,” Mark scrunches up his nose. “Of course I’m serious. I’ve been trying to find the best way to confess for like, the past week.”
“No fucking way,” Donghyuck says, slapping a hand over his mouth dramatically. Mark laughs, the joy bubbling up his chest.
“Yes fucking way,” Mark confirms before he pauses. The insecurity creeps up on him slowly. “But um, I just wanted to say that I’m asexual? I just, yeah. I don’t want to have sex. Sorry.”
“I’m okay with that, silly.” Donghyuck laughs. He clambers onto Mark’s lap quickly, using his fingers to squeeze his cheeks. “I don’t care.”
“You seriously don’t mind?” Mark asks, his turn to be doubtful. Donghyuck nods quickly. “But don’t you like sex?”
“Yeah I like sex,” Donghyuck nods. “But I can live without that. I have toys anyway. What I can’t live without, however, is you.”
“Oh,” Mark breathes. “Oh, okay.”
Donghyuck laughs. He wraps his arms around Mark’s neck. “Can I kiss your forehead?”
“Go ahead,” Mark mumbles. Donghyuck places both of his hands on the sides of Mark’s head before pressing a kiss on his skin. Mark’s eyelids fall shut, enjoying the golden orb floating in his chest.
“Is kissing you on the lips okay?” Donghyuck asks seriously, looking Mark in the eyes. He’s taller than Mark when sitting on his lap.
“Yeah, making out is okay.” Mark says. Donghyuck laughs.
“Can I kiss you now?”
Mark squeezes Donghyuck’s waist. “Yeah.”
Donghyuck giggles before pressing his lips together to peck Mark on the lips once.
“I’ll save the making out for another day,” Donghyuck says giddily. “Any other thing I should take note of?”
“No,” Mark exhales. He’s not used to being accepted like this, so whole-heartedly and readily. It feels surreal in a way. “You really won’t get bored of me?”
“Why would I?” Donghyuck frowns. “Don’t talk about yourself like that.”
“I mean, I don’t want to have sex.” Mark says.
“Like I said, I can live with that, it doesn’t bother me at all. Sex doesn’t make a relationship and I like you because you’re stupid.” Donghyuck says. Mark lets out a sound of protest at his words. He laughs. “I think you’re interesting.”
“Interesting,” Mark repeats before raising an eyebrow. “Weird choice of words.”
Donghyuck punches his shoulder. “I’m not good at talking, okay? Is cuddling okay?”
“We always cuddle,” Mark scoffs.
“Yeah, I was just checking.” Donghyuck says before he pushes his head into Mark’s neck again. He kisses his skin there before snuggling into him. “I like cuddling.”
“Me too,” Mark says, relaxing into the couch. “Thank you.”
“For what?” Donghyuck asks.
“I don’t know, just…” Mark shrugs. “Being okay with this.”
Donghyuck pulls himself from Mark’s embrace before his eyes are flicking up and down his face. Mark flushes underneath the attention, knowing that Donghyuck’s gaze is judging.
Donghyuck makes a tsk sound by sucking the back of his teeth before folding his arms in front of his chest.
“Don’t thank me for respecting your boundaries, Mark. It’s basic decency. Don’t expect anything less of anyone else, you understand?” Donghyuck asks sternly.
Mark blinks before his face melts and he nods.
Donghyuck reaches out to grasp Mark’s cheeks between his fingers. “Understand?”
“Yeah, yeah- ow.” Mark whines when Donghyuck pulls too hard.
“Sorry,” Donghyuck says flippantly. “So can I call you my boyfriend?”
Mark grins.
“Yeah.”
-
The next day sees Mark lying down on the couch browsing through netflix when the doorbell rings. Donghyuck stands up from where he’s been studying at the kitchen table before going towards the main door.
“Mark?” Donghyuck calls as he pads towards the couch.
“Hm?”
“Why are there flowers being delivered to the doorstep?” Donghyuck asks. Mark jolts up from his position and looks at the bouquet of flowers in Donghyuck’s hand.
He smiles, albeit shyly. “They’re for you.”
“Oh,” Donghyuck says, staring at them. Mark climbs atop the couch before landing on the other side where Donghyuck was standing.
“I’ve always wanted to give you flowers,” Mark says, shuffling awkwardly. “Because you deserve them.”
Donghyuck looks up from the colourful petals, his cheeks the same shade of red as one of the flowers stuck in the bouquet. “You’re silly.”
Mark laughs, arms stretching out to engulf Donghyuck in a loose hug.
“But you like me,” Mark says.
“Yeah,” Donghyuck mumbles, planting a kiss onto Mark’s lips.
“You’re silly and I like you.”