Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Snow fell and danced. Winter gleamed under the light, the song of the cold heavens carried away as the wind passed. As the icy nature placed crowns of snowflakes on their heads, the warmth shared between the two burned into their hearts. The end of the month fast approached.

Inui stared above him, nonchalant and expressionless eyes watching the snowflakes pass by. Slowly blinking, as if he was looking for something in the sky. He brought a gloved hand to keep his blond hair from following the wind and blocking his view. To the common stranger, they might find themselves in awe of his beauty. Unchanging and frozen in time, with something alluring hidden beneath it. To the man approaching him, he just found his friend.

“Is there really something so interesting up there?” Inui side-eyed the man before blinking and turning to face him. He brought his gloved hand behind his back, straightening up at the sight of someone familiar. At this point, he became used to Koko’s teasing questions and carefree attitude. 

“Just passing time.” Koko scoffed at his short answer, going so far as to roll his eyes. 

“I can see that, dumbass. I’m saying that whatever’s on your mind must be distracting for you to not notice how white your hair is.” As if to prove a point, Koko moved forward and reached out for his hair. Inui made no effort to move away, just letting him do what he wanted. 

Koko seemed to have fun, the corners of his lips twitching upward, almost showing a toothy grin. He gently pats the blond locks, dusting away the specks of snow as it falls to his coat. He didn’t realize how close they’d gotten, only an inch away from his face, their breaths intermingling into a single puff of air. 

Inui’s airy expression didn’t change, but he stared earnestly at his best friend’s features. From his cat-like eyes to his eyelashes that seemed to catch small flakes of snow. From his cheeks beginning to glow a rosy color to his lips about to turn dry. He unconsciously licked his own, content to know that Koko immersed himself in fixing his hair to not notice. He must have said something along the lines of telling him that he didn’t need to wait outside, but he was transfixed by the way he spoke and how his lips moved.

He imagined softly pecking those lips. It would be cold, but it wouldn’t be as dry anymore. He envisioned Koko’s face, momentary shock morphing into one of bliss as if to welcome the warmth. He pictured the ravenette throwing his arms around his neck, maybe messing up his hair even more. He shut his eyes before he could let his imagination stray any farther.

“How long are you going to pass the time?” He opened his eyes, meeting Koko’s playful grin, his tongue sticking out. He happily moved to his side so they were shoulder to shoulder, the two side-eyeing each other before Inui sighs and faces the same direction and walks. “Honestly, it seems like you’re enjoying the company of your own thoughts more than me.”

Inui prided himself in knowing his friend like the back of his hand. He didn’t even need to say anything for him to know what’s on his mind. Even with his unpredictable attitude, he was able to keep up. And he knew Koko did the same. 

“Like you’re doing any better.” Koko raised an eyebrow at that, probably curious as to how he was able to draw such a reaction. Inui only looked forward, hands stuffed in his pockets as he let out another breath. 

“Ha? What’re you going on about?” Inui glanced at the man, almost breaking into a smile seeing his puffed cheeks. He coughed to hide it, shielding his face from his field of vision. 

“First of all, you’ve been acting weird since this morning.” That morning, it felt like Koko had something to say. At times, he’d open his mouth only to close it again, as if he had second thoughts. Inui wasn’t one to speculate much with little information, but as the day progressed, he couldn’t help it.

“Second, you’ve been diverting the conversation to me.” He was usually quiet, only voicing out his thoughts when he deemed it appropriate. But not once did they talk about Koko’s father, who recently pestered him about something. Inui had seen the rapid texts from him when Koko left his phone, and usually, it was already read.

“Third, we’re walking to your apartment when we could’ve used your car.” It was evident that something was bothering Koko, and he’d be an idiot of a best friend to not know what it was. What they could say as they walked, became clear that they couldn’t say with people listening in. 

He ticked off the reasons on his fingers, amused at Koko’s increasing attempt to remain neutral. One corner of his lips curled at his friend’s attempt to hide his flushed cheeks. Koko groaned in defeat, slowing down his pace. Inui followed his pacing, turning his head to fully face him now. “What the hell happened?”

“Dad’s been going on about this arranged marriage. Something to help the business and expand our network or some bullshit.” Koko sighed, kicking at the snow beneath his feet. Inui watched him carefully, from the slight tick in his eyes to the way he clenched his teeth in anger. “I’m capable of handling our finances myself, but you know the old man.”

Inui had met him once, and that was when he dropped by his estate to visit Koko. He can tell that he is a busy man, and carries the charisma rivaled by a politician’s sweet words. From the way he acted around Inui, a literal child, he acted as though he found something beneficial. 

Like a calculated factor. 

“Did you try telling him that?”

“Obviously.” Koko scowled as if the thought of him left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. “Fucker wouldn’t listen anyway. It’s always for the company, so he says.”

Inui could think of three reasons why it unsettled his friend this much. The first is that he decidedly wanted to spend the rest of his life relying on himself and how he acquired his wealth. The second was that he didn’t want to get engaged, or didn’t like the idea of it. The third being—

“That’s why I made a decision!” Inui snapped back to the conversation, meeting his friend’s bright smile. “If I can show that I’m satisfied with where I am, then I don’t need to get engaged.”

“You realize there is one flaw in your reasoning, right?” Inui could see his friend deflate a little. Koko opened his mouth to retort before the blond pointed a finger at him. “Can you ever be satisfied?”

He was sure that his words had a double meaning, but he knew that Koko wasn’t an idiot. If he needed to hear it, then he’d say it again. He heard the ravenette sigh before laughing lightly, causing him to retreat his hand. “Always so blunt.”

It was because he knew that his friend wasn’t an idiot that he went back to speculating. Always calculating and strategizing. Each piece moved was planned and deliberate. He wouldn’t stop at one plan. He needed more. The snow crunched beneath their feet, the cars driving by turned to background noise. 

“That’s why I didn’t suggest my other idea.” Inui raised an eyebrow at this. It meant that it was much more stupid than the first one, which was already illogical. 

“You just thought of something insulting, didn’t you?” 

Inui shrugged his shoulders, hiding the smile on his face. From the corner of his eye, he sees Koko tense his shoulders. His eyes darted to his face, only to find it looking anywhere but him. “What’s your idea, anyway?”

“Find someone else to date. Maybe marry.” The ravenette spoke with such a nonchalant attitude it made Inui wonder if he heard it right. He searched his features to find any form of hesitancy or nervousness. His friend remained as neutral as possible, not sparing a glance at the blond. When he didn’t continue his train of thought, Inui finally understood that it wasn’t a joke.

“You’re serious.” He heard a small noise in acknowledgment as if it was an easy thing to do. Surely there were more ways to approach the situation. There should’ve been more solutions to this problem. But his friend came up with something like this? 

“Doesn’t even have to reach the marriage part. Just pretend for a month at best.” He wanted to question his reasoning behind that. He wanted to know what happened for his friend to suggest such a thing. Confusion painted his face as the two continued to walk, their thoughts filling the silence. “At least that way, they’d lose interest and I don’t have to get married.”

“Sounds demanding.” He was sure Koko would have no problem finding a partner. Most people appealed to his money or his looks, so that shouldn’t be too hard. He could wave his card around and people would come running in. What mattered was their compatibility. More than just him, but also to his dad. As much as it was a harsh thought, Koko needed to find someone that wouldn’t backfire on him. 

More importantly, someone who wouldn’t get attached. 

“Good luck finding a girl who can tolerate you for a whole month.” Inui took pity on the soon-to-be fake girlfriend. He’d probably go so far as to create a powerpoint on what to do and what not to do. Koko stopped walking beside him, causing the blond to turn around. 

Maybe it was the way the cold turned his cheeks red or just the thought of dating someone that made his face flush. He watched his friend inhale sharply before releasing a tense breath. A cheeky grin formed on his face once more, as if his next words didn’t knock the wind out of him.

“I never said it had to be a woman.”

Inui’s mind is in overdrive. He felt it to be too presumptuous to assume, but it explained the weird behavior. What’s more, is that he isn’t an idiot. If those were signs, then it could mean something he was afraid of. He still needed verbal confirmation, just so he knew that it wasn’t in his head. 

He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn’t realize Koko approaching him, his usual demeanor with his tongue sticking out making things seem ordinary. This situation was anything but ordinary. It was troubling and an invitation for something worse. 

For a moment, the two stood still, staring at each other with unblinking eyes. There was a quiet challenge issued among them to keep their eyes locked on to the other. If Inui had to name this scene, erratic heartbeat ringing in their ears and only staring at a void of unknown territory, he’d call it a game. 

“Be my boyfriend.” 

There was nonchalance in his friend’s attitude. His playful expression glowed brighter than the tension dripping from his tongue. He was waiting for that one line. To say it was just a joke. But Inui knew his friend. No matter how intricate his facade was, there was an unspoken plea that Koko hid every day. A simple word that he knew he’d drop everything for. It was like a prayer Inui felt that he couldn’t live up to. 

Please.

He didn’t even know where to begin. His mind thought of every way out, every instance known and unknown to happen, and simultaneously, nothing. It’s true that he’d do everything for him, going so far as to offer his life for him. In his silence, he tried to silence his heart with logic and the undeniable fact that it will only end in one of them getting hurt.

The longer he thought about it, the more he realized that it would probably be him. 

In the midst of his flurry of emotions, he did his best to maintain his neutral expression. Even with a stone-cold face, he was sure that the only person to figure him out was none other than the ravenette before him, whose smirk seemed to grow wider. 

The two were at face level, not one looking down on the other. For a while, the two forgot how to speak, getting lost in their own little world. They were sure some time had passed since a black car pulled up on the road next to them. The driver pulled down his window, only staring ahead, one hand on the steering wheel. “Kokonoi, your father has something important to discuss with you.”

On cue, the backseat door opened for his friend to step inside. It must’ve been urgent news, then. Koko looked like he was about to say something, as he usually did. He shut his mouth after a while, also as usual. To have him this quiet was nothing short of surprising. 

Inui is the first to break, tearing his gaze away to look at the car. It even sounded expensive. His driver didn’t take his eyes off the road, only patiently waiting for the ravenette to enter. He heard Koko sigh, placing a hand on top of the doorframe. 

The next thing he knew, Inui placed his hand on top of Koko’s as if to stop him. The ravenette turned to look at him with a confused expression. With a fluid motion, he intertwined their hands, pulling him closer ‘til their racing heartbeats rested on top of each other. “What are you...?”

“How unfortunate. I also have something important to discuss with him.” He knew to restrain himself, appearing as though he wasn’t fazed by the interruption. Deep down, he was shaking with a new emotion, like some sort of protective nature he didn’t know he had. 

“I’m afraid I wasn’t asking.” The driver looked at Inui through the rearview mirror. “His father made it clear that he needs to come home as soon as possible.”

“Then maybe I should make myself understood . He’s coming home with me, so you can tell his dad that his son’s boyfriend will be stealing him away.” Ignoring the shocked reactions from both of them, Inui shut the door. Grabbing his hand with no sign of hesitancy, the two made their way down the sidewalk.

As they turned a corner, he quickly made a run for it, dragging Koko behind. “Hey! Does this mean you’re okay with—”

Koko didn’t get to finish his sentence before Inui pushed him into an alley. Before he could barely gather himself, the blond pinned him against the wall. A gloved hand made its way to his mouth, muffling the ravenette’s protests. 

The blond waited for the sound of a car passing by as he stared at his friend. His gaze is trained on his black eyes, calmly watching as Koko rapidly shifts focus between his hand and his eyes. It took a moment for him to realize how close they actually were, Inui’s body sandwiching his friend with the wall. 

“Not used to someone else taking the reins, huh?” Inui says after a while, releasing his hold on Koko. 

“Dumbass! You caught me off guard, that’s all there is to it!” The blond shrugged as if to wave off his comment as a lousy excuse. There is some space in between them, but the two have always been inseparable, making them comfortable with the space between. “You’re in this now, though. You better see it through!”

Right. They had also been comfortable with the space in between the word ‘boyfriend’. 

They supposed Inui’s declaration of war and love would change that. 

“Just one month.” The blond repeated. 

“One month.” The ravenette echoed. “Just pretend for one month so the old man can back off. Well, more like pretending on Sundays since that’s his favorite time to piss me off.”

Inui could pretend for a month. Consider it a small price to repay, after all. He already knows the ins and outs of the Kokonoi household. 

“Even if you agreed to it, there are still some things that make you uncomfortable, right? Anything you wanna add to the list?” Inui pondered on his question. He was sure to let people know what made him uncomfortable, and they usually came along as he encountered them. In the end, he just shrugged.

“Can’t think of one right now. We can do what we need to do to pass as a couple.” He really was fine with anything, if it meant that it would be more believable. The sooner they could stop pretending, the better. “Should you ever cross a line, that would be 100,000 out of you.”

Koko blew a raspberry in his direction. “I thought you’d have a little more liberty here.”

“What kind of rule do you want?” The ravenette pretended to think, even humming as he let a few seconds pass. He used little effort into concealing his glee as an idea struck him. 

“No falling in love ~♡”

Inui scoffed. Like he was going to break that. For a moment, he believed that Koko thought of a reasonable rule. Their only rule was within reason, but it sounds stupid on paper. “Yeah, fine, whatever.”

“So we’re really doing this?”

“What, do you expect me to have second thoughts about this?”

“No take-backs!” Koko let out a cheeky laugh like he was going to enjoy the whole aspect of fake dating. “Then how about we seal the deal?”

“How do we do that?”

Koko brought one hand behind Inui’s head, carefully threading his fingers through his locks. He coaxed the blond to move in closer, blue eyes immediately darting to the smirk on his lips. The space in between turned from inches to centimeters, as the ravenette dared to close the distance. 

Mmph! Koko had his eyes closed, kissing the back of his hand that served as a barrier between their lips. Inui felt the soft and smooth material of the glove press further into his lips as if his friend wanted to reach him. Maybe it was his own wishful thinking for even considering the idea. It was a very strange way to seal the deal. 

The two parted, cheeks flushed as they could only stare at each other, something raw and unspoken left in the dark. There was no heavy breathing, no dizziness that made his knees buckle. Just two heartbeats in sync with each other, pounding against their chest and pulsating throughout every vein. Silently, the two agreed that that was a nice feeling. 

“Haha! I look forward to working with you ~♡”

It would be a long month ahead. “Dumbass. Likewise.”

“Since when were you and my son—”

“Six months now.” Turns out, Inui was a fantastic liar. Even as he was called to the office, the lies came out smoothly. Koko’s father sat in his chair, a tall and looming presence blocking the window behind him. Tokyo beneath his feet, he had called Inui in for some questions that Sunday morning. 

Bullshit. 

This was a negotiation at best, if not an interrogation. The blond sat across him on a couch, hands kept to his lap as he made a conscious effort to straighten his back. Even with their height difference, Inui could feel the intense glare sent his way. Koko stood outside, trying to keep himself occupied and not worried for the blond. 

“We’ve known each other for some time now. Please believe me when I say that I have no ill intentions towards your son.” Now that wasn’t a lie. When it came to him, he was unable to deny his care and affection for the ravenette. 

“I don’t doubt that, Inui. It’s just…” his father heaved a long sigh. “...you could be damaging his future prospects. Not just him, but you too. Think of what would happen should you never have enough to take care of him.”

“He has always been my first priority. That fact has never changed, even before we got together.” He spoke with a calm demeanor, but deep inside he wanted to snap. Had he not made it obvious? He scoffed at the mention of his future prospects. If he wanted to say that he couldn’t provide a picture-perfect lifestyle for him, he should’ve said that from the start. 

“Forgive me for speaking out of line.” Inui found himself saying. He made a promise to Koko that he’ll be there for him no matter what. They shared their wins and losses. So to even think of what he’ll do should he never have enough to take care of him was no less than an insult. “Both of us are capable of supporting each other, more than financially speaking. If there is something else you’re concerned with, allow me to ease your worries.”

They hear something similar to that of a cough right outside. 

“Are you aware of his arranged marriage?” He continued to ask. “In all his protests, I never heard him mention being in a relationship with someone else.”

“I am aware of that.” Inui had also rehearsed this in his head. He spent three days working out their story, taking into account every possible variable. As much as he wanted to keep weaving lies, sprinkling a few more would deviate from the issue at hand. “Besides, the news came so suddenly, so how could he predict your reaction to our relationship?” 

Koko’s father was silenced at that. It was true that when they arrived home, the driver told him that he’d return with his boyfriend, he really didn’t know how to react. His son was just as unpredictable as he was, after all. “Then why keep it a secret for so long?”

“He didn’t want to attract any unwanted attention. We were fine even without many people knowing.” 

“How do I know that you really love him?” That’s just another question he rehearsed. He shouldn’t seem bothered right now. Not because the questions required more lying, but because it seemed like he had an incessant flow of questions. You mean to ask me if I was in it for his money. The answer will still be no.

Inui wasn’t one to complicate things. He’d rather get it straight to the point even if it appeared harsh. Koko didn’t mind that, but he had to think of the best possible answer to get them to the next part. 

“We were eating lunch together on the rooftop. He had a big bento box capable of feeding two people. I thought he was going to share it with me, but he ate it all. He got his rice everywhere on his face.” That was a much-treasured memory. He was a big eater, and Inui should’ve expected that to happen. What he didn’t expect was for that to fall out his mouth. The door creaked, but both paid no attention to it. 

“He was swimming in the pool one day, and I was doing homework. I don’t know how it happened, but he dragged me into the water. Clothes and everything. The next day, I got sick and he ended up doing my homework for me.” He still remembered the cold sting once he resurfaced. Koko’s laughter rang in his ears, unaware of the soft smile forming. He didn’t know why.

“One day he took up fortune-telling using cards. He told me that sometime in the future, I’d find love staring right at me. Next thing I knew, he tripped me and I landed on top of him in the library.” Wait, wait, wait. Why is he still talking? He didn’t rehearse this. This wasn’t part of the script. The only echo he can hear is how fast his heart beat that time. That, and the voices asking him why he let all that out.

Nonetheless, he found himself looking at Koko’s father straight in the eye. No shred of hesitation, nor any sign of second thinking. “Love isn’t simple to define, but any time I spent with him is enough for me to call it that.”

Curious. The line between fiction and reality seemed to blur.

He must have zoned out before a deep sigh took him back to reality. The older man let out a heavy breath, running a hand through his hair. Inui could only guess what he was thinking. One of many, actually. He had it all planned out. 

What if their relationship failed? That would never have happened in the first place. He cherished Koko, so he had no reason to fail him. No matter what, Inui would always choose him.

What if he had to wait? That’s fine. If it was for him, he could wait. A month. A year. It was worth it, because Koko is worth it. Because there is a lifetime waiting for them.

Was there any benefit if he was his boyfriend? Well, neither of them could decide that for him. If love was a one-sided merit, then he had no right to call him a friend. 

How far is Inui willing to lie? To the point that it would—

“I’m glad,” the older man began slowly, “that his feelings remain unchanged for someone who felt the same way all this time.” 

Huh?

All this time…?

“He regarded you as some perfect being. Godsent, even. I can still recall how he saw you. That day in the library, as you peacefully slept, he still remembered the way your hair shone under the light. Your snores were quiet enough to not alert the librarian. And as the bypasser’s voices turn to noise—”

“—his fingers trace over the steady pulse and he thinks to himself, how lucky he is.” Inui’s eyes stare ahead, but he looks at something far away. He remembers those words clearly, no matter how much time has passed. He ingrained it to memory, ignorant of whether he wanted to or not. Because he could never forget.

Because at the time, Koko was describing Inui’s sister. 

His father must have taken his silence for something similar to that of a shy and chaste feeling. Something tugged at his heart, and he can only describe it as gut-wrenching. Then he snaps back. Was he... hoping for something? 

He was grateful that the older man didn’t see his expression. No matter how hard he’d try to hide it, he couldn’t help the way his body shook at the realization. When Koko had covered his mouth and placed an indirect kiss, was he thinking about her? About Akane? Did Inui even consider the fact that he was being used in more ways than one? He carried these thoughts with him until he walked out, looking for the ravenette. 

The building was quite big, mostly home to the Kokonoi household, and served as the business’ headquarters, but Inui knew his way around. He found himself wandering to the kitchen, glowing in an orange light, already sure that his friend was looking for a good substitute for brunch. Probably take-out again. 

God, 10 AM is too early to think about anything.

He settles for making omurice, looking for something to season the rice with. While he sets off to cook, he lets his mind wander far. Was there another reason why Koko chose him? He must have considered all the factors and outcomes. So that left another question open. Was there really any benefit if it was him?

Thinking about it too much would only hurt his head and burn the rice. 

He’s about to add in the eggs when he hears a phone vibrate against the counter. He was sure that his was on silent, so it must have been Koko’s. 

The ravenette’s phone lights up, vibrating with each message going one after the other. He didn’t mean to pry, but the constant notifications annoyed him to no end. While he mixed the eggs, his eyes wandered over to the more recent messages he could see were from some person who has a long nickname. 

Crackhead Who Owes Me Money (Don’t Pick Up) 

WHORE?!?!?!?!

I’VE BEEN OUT HERE STRUGGLIFYING BUT YOU DEADASS JUST A S K E D!??!?! (EMPHASIS ON STRUGGLIFYING !!!)

HOW THE FUCK !!! DID YOU GET INUI !!! TO SAY YES !!!

The incessant vibrations were enough to give him a headache, but the endless question and exclamation marks, written in all caps no less, only amplified it. 

He did his best to ignore the other messages, but another one popped up that confirmed his previous suspicions. 

Crackhead Who Owes Me Money (Don’t Pick Up) 

I am Confusion so did you move on from Akane or…?

Ah. 

There it is.

A part of him had been waiting for that while the other prayed to whatever god was listening for it to not be true. He couldn’t register his outside surroundings, not paying attention to his hands mindlessly whisking the eggs, or the rice sizzling away. 

Maybe it was nicer that way. To hear something other than his own voice telling him to stop. Stop cooking. Stop pretending that it’s fine. Stop this fake relationship while it still doesn’t hurt. 

It doesn’t hurt. 

“Inupi...?” Oh. That’s right. He was making food. He transferred the rice to a nearby plate before pouring the egg mixture in. Eggs. He needed to season the eggs. A bit of salt and black pepper should be alright. Just a small sprinkle of the thing. He stirred the eggs in the pan using chopsticks.

“Inupi?” Why was he making omurice? Someone is hungry. Is it Inui who is hungry? Must be. Isn’t this a little too much for his stomach? Yes, it is. Is the food for him? Dunno. 

“Inupi!” Why is he pretending to date Koko? Because he asked. Is he still in love with Akane? Must be. Isn’t this going to hurt him in the end? Yes, it will. When Koko kissed him, was it for him? Dunno.

“Inupi!” 

In an instant, he feels arms wrap around him and a chin resting on his shoulder. He couldn’t see his expression, but something in his voice seemed a little tense. From the corner of his eye, he meets the black and messy hair of his friend.

Boyfriend. 

Fake boyfriend. 

“You’re supposed to be flipping it at this point.” Koko’s voice brings him back to reality, where he feels his hands rest on top of his. The ravenette guides his hands, one on the handle, the other on the chopsticks. The two move in sync, flipping the omelette as Inui chases his thoughts away. 

“Where were you?” He slowed down his pace and made smaller movements for Koko’s hands to catch up. He was sure his heartbeat rested over his, the warm sensation between them being the only thing keeping him from shivering from the air conditioning. 

“I had something to take care of. Did you miss me already?” He teased, waiting to get a reaction from the blond. Cold fingers brush his shoulder, like he could break him at any time. 

“Dumbass. You were listening in on our conversation, weren’t you?” Koko let out a small laugh, burying his face closer in the crook of his neck. He was sure that the ravenette could smell his cologne. He feels a teasing grin forming against his collarbone as Koko looks up at him. 

“If I didn’t know any better, we should’ve been dating years ago.” That really didn’t answer Inui’s question. If anything, it made him more confused. He sighed, flipping the pan one last time before setting it on top of the rice.

“You… make no sense to me.” 

He turns his head and he sees him. He sees him.

Him, adorning a golden crown on his messy locks from the sunlight. Him, painted in a bright glow that kissed his cheeks. He doesn’t dare to look past that.

The two are quiet and can only stare at each other. If shock were present in his features, he did his best to not show it. Koko is the first to break away, his laughter ringing throughout the kitchen as he snatched the plate from Inui.

“Do I?” He asks through his fits of laughter. The blond is quick to notice how his eyes crinkled, eyebrows furrowing upwards. Despite the calm and neutral demeanor, he remembers how similar it was to subsided memories. 

Especially the way it made his heart swell. 

“Those are bold words coming from someone who decided to make food.” Koko snickered before snaking his arm around Inui’s, pulling him closer to the island counter, each taking their respective seats. “I asked you to be my boyfriend, not my husband.”

“Only because you won’t have a good breakfast.” The ravenette shrugged off his comment, only scanning the counter for something. He let out a small noise of success when he zeroed in on something behind the blond. 

Blue eyes watched the way his smile never faltered, breath barely tickling his skin as the brief moment passed them by. A silver fork glinted in the sunlight as he played with the egg on his plate. 

“If that’s the case,” Koko began, “you should make sure there’s no poison in it!”

Dumbass. He shook his head before locking his hand on Koko’s wrist, guiding the fork closer to his mouth. His lazy eyes did little to hide something hidden beneath his composed exterior. There was no possible explanation for why he felt that way.

His fake boyfriend slightly shuddered as their eyes met. He was fairly certain he saw pink dust coating his cheeks. His hand was somewhat cold, but the damn egg. “Salty.”

He’s about to take the fork and plate away to make another batch before the ravenette practically hoards it. He’s giving a small glare, the heat spreading to his ears now. “The hell do you think you’re doing? This is my breakfast.” 

Inui wasn’t lying. It was so salty that Koko had to take a couple of sips from his water every now and then. The blond sighed but felt warm at his intent to eat every last bite. Like a dumbass. It was almost enough to make him smile.

Almost. 

“By the way...” Koko spoke through forkfuls of his omurice and gulps of water. He leans in before grasping Inui’s hand. He seemed to ponder about something, eyes staring intently at him. One hand traced every inch while the other lay dormant, only keeping the blond close. He barely misses the whispers escaping his lips. “...knew it.”

He’s about to ask what he means before he feels something on his palm. Something cold, metallic, and circular. Golden, like sunlight, gently peering through the curtains. Designed like an infinity symbol on one side, embellished with small white-gold gems tracing the mark. 

Engraved on the inside were the words “forever”.

Koko must have gone a long way to get something like this done in such a short amount of time. He relaxed his shoulders, assuring himself that it was only to prove that they were dating. Even if it lacked realness. He was sure that his fake boyfriend thought that way too.

“May I?” Inui found himself nodding, not trusting his words. He watched as he carefully slipped on the ring, never taking his eyes away nor blinking. He felt Koko brush his fingers against his as he adjusted the small piece of jewelry. 

He kept staring at their linked hands, making a conscious effort not to twitch or pull away. He steadied himself, blinking slowly just to determine if what was happening was real. The gentle squeeze was enough to assure him that it is.

And every sensation felt deafening.  

He slowly looked up, meeting dark eyes already staring at him, timid but nothing short of intense. He suppressed the urge to shudder, captivated by that… curious look. Like Koko wanted to know more. Like he was staring at his emotions laid bare on his face. 

The thought should’ve scared him. 

It should’ve been his first sign. 

He couldn’t tear his eyes away. Not when he could see golden flecks in his eyes. He couldn’t move. Not when he moved in closer, so sure that the ravenette glanced down before quickly returning his gaze. 

For a second, he was certain that his facade broke. There was no doubt in his mind that for one moment, frozen in time yet carried away all too soon, that he slips up and lets Koko see something so… sacred. Frightening. Vulnerable. He knew that he was playing a dangerous game the moment it happened. 

A kiss he knew all too well. What was once fleeting now felt like they stayed in that position for hours. Koko, tilting his head down, pressing his lips on the cold surface of the ring and on his knuckle. A gentle hand, keeping Inui’s in his hold. Each fingertip felt like it was tracing his veins, but he knew that the two stood at a standstill. Featherlike touches igniting every nerve in his arm, and the pounding rhythm of his heart ringing in his ear. How he didn’t shake from the intensity of a butterfly-like kiss, he would never know.

Even with such a delicate and chaste kiss, it meant nothing. It meant nothing. Even as his fingers curled against his, it meant nothing. Even as each part of Inui was hyper-aware of Koko’s little movements and the soft drumming of his heart, it meant nothing. Even if he made up the idea that the ravenette asked him to take care of his heart, it meant nothing. 

That didn’t mean his heart didn’t cry. It took every ounce in him to sit still, like a painting with only a fake love to draw. That’s what it was.

A dangerous game where the winner takes all. 

When that happens, one of them is bound to get hurt. That’s why Inui, in all his selflessness, asks for Koko to not think of him the way he thought of him. 

He didn’t want to define this feeling, because giving it a name meant that it was his. His.  Because it wasn’t theirs. It will never be theirs. 

As the ravenette turns back to eat his omurice, the blond turns back to his thoughts. As treacherous and beautiful as the scene may be, beams of light slowly shine through the room like unwanted what-ifs that will continue to plague his mind. 

“As I said.” How unfair. “Nonsensical.”

“I’m sorry, he’s what now?”

“Drunk as fuck.” 

Inui Seishu inwardly groaned. He wished he didn’t hear it from Kakucho, especially on a Friday night. He wanted to say it wasn’t part of the deal, but before was his (fake) boyfriend, he was his friend. 

Kakucho must have heard him sigh from the other end of the line, but before he could say anything, he heard someone yelling in the background. “Is that the boyfriend?!”

Oh. That’s also another problem. Being drunk (as fuck, mind you) meant that he must be out of his mind. They were nearing the second week, with the sort-of-approval of his father already in the bag. They still needed to assure his supposed-to-be-bride and her older brother. 

Just because Seishu won over one person doesn’t mean he entirely knew how he did it.

What really threw him off was the fact that he was drunker than usual. At least in Kakucho’s terms. Seishu knew him to be diligent most of the time, maybe a workaholic. He had no doubt that he still had so much homework to do, and he’s more likely to spend his afternoon night doing exactly that. 

Guess tonight was not one of those nights.

“Sorry about that, can we drop him off at your dorm? He said he doesn’t want to go home just yet.” Kakucho’s voice brought him out of his thoughts. He checked the time. 10 PM. 

“Uh, yeah. I’ll pick him up from where you are.” He forgot to ask where they were, but at this point, he already hung up. He was sure he wouldn’t be cold that night with his turtleneck and coat, but if he knew one thing, it’s that Kokonoi Hajime was an idiot. 

He picked up a nearby red scarf before leaving his dorm. 

As he was heading down the stairs, he spotted a tuft of wild black hair, accompanied by a few other people he barely knew. The group leaned against the walls or on each other as they carried their weight up the flight of stairs. 

The only one who seemed to be in their right mind was Kakucho, who was supporting his (fake) boyfriend. 

“Hajime!” He probably wasn’t thinking clearly, jumping over a couple of steps before getting to the landing area and catching him in his arms. His entire body seemed to flush hot from all the alcohol. “What happened?”

“He doesn’t usually get drunk on a weekday,” Kakucho spoke for him, now supporting a white-haired person. “Especially not this drunk.”

Almost as if on cue, Hajime groaned, muttering something about the light being too bright. He could deny it all he wants in his drunken state, but the shiver tingling down his spine would prove otherwise. Seishu was quick to notice that. 

“He wasn’t fuckin’ kiddin’, he actually scored Inui.” Kakucho hit the back of the white-haired man while the other two laughed before hiccuping. 

“Have you no filter, Haru?” The man with braids spoke up before supporting the man with glasses as they walked up the stairs. Painfully slowly. 

“Like you’re one to talk, Ran. You were supposed to help me watch over everyone but you went and got drunk anyway.” Kakucho snapped. 

“Hey, I had plans to get drunk anyway! Besides, I’m only slightly tipsy.” The man that Seishu supposed was Ran stumbled in his step. 

“Noisy…” Hajime muttered, closing his eyes and resting his face in the crook of his (fake) boyfriend’s neck. His breath was hot but he shuddered like he had been frozen. The blond wasted no time in wrapping the red scarf over him, securing it just right on his neck. 

“Is this okay?” He didn’t receive a response, just Hajime slumping and clutching onto his clothes. He twitched as if he could throw up at any minute. Seishu only held onto him, rubbing his back and brushing his hair out the way. 

“I refuse to believe you found someone who actually cares about you,” Ran slurs his words. Seishu only ignores him, carefully adjusting their position so that if he ended up vomiting, it would be on the floor instead of him. 

Kakucho looks like he’d rather be anywhere but here. Either that or regret for letting broke college students drink on a Friday night. Could be both. 

“Hey, you’re Koko’s secret boyfriend, ain’t ya?” The man with glasses tried pointing at the blond, only to point at open air. “How come we ain’t seen you ‘round before?”

“What Rindou means to say is,” Ran interjects, “we didn’t know that he’d been dating his childhood friend for… How long?”

“Six months.” He deadpans. He’d rather not waste his time right now, but his (fake) boyfriend was on the edge of collapse. 

“Right.” Ran motions for Rindou to hold onto the railing as they walked. “It’s just, we were so sure he was pining over the other one.”

The other one? He knew he meant Akane, but since when was she reduced to being ‘the other one’? 

“Damn, to think you fell in love with this guy’s sister.” The white-haired man, Haru, playfully slapped his back, almost causing the blond to lose balance. 

“Haru!” Kakucho had to drag him away from the two. “I’m sorry about him, it must be the alcohol.”

“Definitely the alcohol,” Rindou lets out a high-pitched laugh before being reduced to a hiccuping mess. “Then again, he asked the question that’s been on our minds for some time now. That’s on his shameless nature.”

“Shameless?!” Haru sounded mildly offended at that. “I’ll show you shameless—!”

The man that had been keeping the feral white-haired man now held him up like a cat. Ran did the same for Rindou as the two threw lazy punches that didn’t even reach the other. Seishu sure as hell didn’t want to know what he was like when he was sober. 

“Wait wait wait wait.” Rindou adjusts his glasses. “Oh shit. That must be one hell of a ring.” 

At that, all eyes turn to Seishu who kept on keeping Hajime upright. As best as he can, anyway. The feeling of their eyes zeroing in on his finger felt a little too much. Normally he’d ignore it, but that was the ravenette’s gift to him. It was hard to pass it off as something mundane. 

“Perfect fit, too.” Ran pouted at his friend who flipped him off. “Why didn’t you get one for me?”

“Shit looks expensive,” Haru commented. Seishu went back to fluffing the scarf.  “A little overkill on the gold.”

“You’re overkill.” The white-haired man rolled his eyes at Rindou’s side comment. The three started going back and forth over the ring, ignoring Seishu who carefully patted his (fake) boyfriend’s hair.

“What happened?” He whispered. Hajime only nuzzled in closer, cheeks flushing red. 

“Just needed you.” His voice was no louder than a whisper. He wasn’t even sure he heard it in the first place. They say that our drunk words are our sober thoughts. That’s why it conflicted him. It shouldn’t have set his heart fluttering faster. It shouldn’t have confused him this much. 

“Did something happen to him?”

“Something about Taiju.” He was grateful for Kakucho taking the brain cell. “Like the whole arranged marriage with Yuzuha. From what I remembered, anyway. He was already drinking by the time I got there.”

“You should’ve seen ‘im.” One of them laughs in memory. “Taiju’s probably giving him shit right now.” 

“Nagging bastard.” Haru mocks in his best impersonation of his (fake) boyfriend. “He had this whole plan to convince him by what? Start of our break? Still a fuckin’ week from now.”

“Tell your boyfriend to take it easy every now and then,” Ran said. “Kept snapping at people. All that pent-up shit ain’t good for him.”

Boyfriend.

(Fake) boyfriend. 

“Are you kidding? That was the best part.” One of them points out before the group erupts into pained laughter as if the migraine was finally settling him.

“How do you know what’s good for me?!” Hajime suddenly speaks up, about to throw hands with Ran. He would’ve thrown a punch had it not been for the sight of the blond’s eyes and the hand on his wrist. 

“That’s my opinion!” The three shouted in unison before cackling. The ravenette only looks at Seishu, an unreadable expression on his face before he concedes and goes back to their previous position. Tense hands held onto the fabric of that white coat, burying his face in his chest and in his red scarf. 

“It’s none of my business,” Kakucho starts, “but he’s so much more different around you.”

“Different how?” The blond wonders. He wants to think that he knew all of him. He couldn’t call himself a friend if he didn’t know any less. He prided himself on knowing what was going on in his head. When he furrowed his eyebrows, he was in deep thought. Whenever he tapped his fingers in a certain rhythm, he was pretending that he had his calculator or laptop out. If he hummed a certain melody, Seishu was sure to join him. 

“He’s…” Kakucho searches for the right word. “...softer around you.”

That barely made sense, but anyway. 

“Definitely softer.” Haru joins in on the conversation. “Possessive.”

“Protective,” Rindou corrects.

“Same damn thing.” Haru still wasn’t thinking clearly. “If not possessive, then obsessive.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” Seishu sees Ran stop himself from saying something. If he had to take a guess, it would be something along the lines of the taboo subject. “Hey, whether or not he’s entirely moved on, you mean a lot to him.”

“A lot?” Rindou scoffs. “He’d worship you on a damn altar.”

“Oh, that’s rich. Bet he already did that.” Haru laughs. 

“Idiot, you already owe him so much money, you’d have to pay your tuition twice,” Kaku adds before dodging an inaccurate but sharp punch. The blond ignores what Rindou said, instead of focusing on the fact that Haru could be that person from his contacts. The crackhead who owes money. He could see that.

“I see.” Seishu felt Hajime’s legs on the brink of giving out. His grip on his waist tightened, slinging one of his arms around him. “I’ll be taking him to my room.”

Those who had an ounce of sobriety left nodded before saying their goodnights and apologies. Their voices subsided as they separated, both somewhat grateful for the quiet. Somewhat alone, Seishu gently urged him to walk up the stairs. They took their time, already reaching halfway to his room without meeting any other lurkers in the area. 

They stopped occasionally, just in case he needed to vomit. That’d be a problem in the future. “Come on, we’re almost there.”

Arriving at the right floor, Seishu already made a mental list of things to do. Ready the toilet or sink or trash can in case he needed some place to puke. Get a glass of water and some meds nearby. He probably should change him out of his clothes, too. He doubts he had a proper dinner, so he’d have to make do with a half-assed salad or—

“Isn’t this the scarf I got you for your twelfth birthday?” Seishu stopped in his step. They weren’t far from his room, but he felt as though it was way beyond his reach. He gulped, not looking at the ravenette. He was sure that Hajime was already looking at him. 

He was right. As always. 

“I just picked the nearest thing for you.” He shook his head, trudging him closer to his dorm. He hears a soft laugh. A faint stench of alcohol is there, but so is the trace of something fond. 

“It definitely is. Look, it has our name on it.” From the corner of his eye, he sees the ravenette trace the gold stitched embroidery of their name on the edge of the scarf. “I told you, red’s more your thing.”

He had to roll his eyes. At least Hajime could still think. Twisting the doorknob, he leads the both of them inside, where he’s already dead set on completing his list. 

A few things to know about his drunk (fake) boyfriend. He knew exactly where Seishu’s toothbrush was in the bathroom. He was also somewhat smaller in his clothes. He also hated bright lights. 

That’s why the two were comfortably sitting in Seishu’s bed with the lights turned off. The window peering into the dull blue night outside, the snow gently resting on the window frame and on the specks of light from the distant city. Far away, unbothered, and lifeless. The blond changed into a comfier shirt and baggy pants, hanging his legs over the end of the bed. Hajime sat cross-legged, facing the opposite direction but shoulder-to-shoulder with him. 

The long-sleeved shirt his (fake) boyfriend had on him did little to keep him entirely out of the cold. As he rubbed his hands together, Seishu could smell the lingering scent of alcohol. He watches him from the corner of his eye. Hajime tried keeping warm, scarf discarded onto the bed. Piercing eyes closed in frustration, or from keeping the adrenaline at bay. 

“How’s your head?” The ravenette heaved out a long sigh. 

“At least the room stopped spinning.” Seishu only nodded, bringing something out from his table. In the dark, they could barely see, save for the city light seeping into the floor. From the smell, Hajime barely makes out the scent of pepperoni pizza. 

“I’m not hungry, Sei.” The blond raises an eyebrow at this. His (fake) boyfriend kept his position, not looking at anything other than the scarf in front of him. With his big appetite, that shouldn’t have been a problem. 

“Then you can watch me eat.” For the first time that night, the ravenette brought his head up, glaring at the man. It would’ve amused Seishu as usual, but something felt off. 

Perhaps it was the way he wasn’t used to a soft gaze looking at him. He was slow, but his eyes traced over everything. From the way his scar twisted and turned to slightly parted lips taking in a small bite of pizza. 

“You don’t have to tell me about the whole arranged marriage thing.” The blond ate up the rest of the slice, each returning to looking at anywhere but each other. There was a silent agreement, the one where you didn’t need to believe in coincidence. Just the type where the both of you knew what to do. Their eyes never found each other. “Just don’t do something stupid.”

“You said you got the nearest scarf for me.”

“I didn’t have time to think.”

“Were you thinking when you had that on?” 

Seishu stopped eating. To be fair, he stopped at one slice and decided to leave the rest for the morning. Plus, he didn’t really want to give it any more thought. It was just a ring, they didn’t need to make it a big deal. 

Because that’s all it was.

A stupid ring with its stupid promise attached to it. 

He wanted to ask if he was thinking too. He wanted to ask Hajime if he thought of keeping a level head. He didn’t want to know what would happen if people found out that they weren’t the picture-perfect-couple. He didn’t want to know if what he said before had any meaning to it. 

He didn’t want to know if Hajime really needed him. Him. 

He didn’t think any longer, not when he felt arms wrap around him, resting on his shoulder. A familiar face found solace in his neck once more, each breath reaching his skin and sending a tingling sensation coursing through his veins. His (fake) boyfriend tightened his grip, not allowing Seishu to move or crane his head. 

I know. Hajime wanted to say, and Seishu knew he wanted to say that. Both of them knew. 

The hug felt suffocating, as were the thoughts lingering in the blond’s head. His voice got caught in his lips, as he felt hot fingers crawl from his sleeve to his collarbone. It left a trail of fire in its wake, tracing the column of his throat. 

Burning hadn’t felt this good. 

Wandering digits tousled blond locks, while the other carefully followed the outline of his scar. Hajime gently nudged Seishu to look at him. Blinking eyes met steady ones, neither too intense as usual, nor too lost from the alcohol. Enraptured by his dark gaze, he was almost certain that he was looking at him . 

Almost. 

His eyes slightly widened as a thumb brushed his cheek. For the first time, he felt something cold smear over his scar as a gentle breeze tickled his senses awake. When did he cry…?

Lithe fingers slowly dried his tears away, with the kind of softness that is easily mistakable for love. The kind of love that scared him. The kind that made him want to pretend that this was real. That Hajime was really admiring every inch of him. That Hajime was memorizing each detail as if it was beautiful. 

That he could pretend that this meant anything. 

So he pushed those feelings aside, even as he felt himself unconsciously lick his lips. He pretended that his warm touch didn’t feel right, even as he leaned in closer. He convinced himself that this meant nothing, even as he closed his eyes and let himself free.

Even as he ignored the way he loved how his heart raced faster, he knew he shouldn’t give in. Even when he doesn’t, he almost does.

When his little fairy tale was over and he had to leave Wonderland, he knew that Hajime wouldn’t remember any of this. It was better that way. He didn’t need to know how conflicted he felt. The last thing he needed to do was be just as lost as Seishu was. He couldn’t let the ravenette choose in the first place. 

Even if it was incredibly hard and torturous for him, of course he’d do it. He could do it because he’ll never call this emotion what it is. He wouldn’t attach himself to that word, because he doesn’t feel it. 

But, oh. 

How easy it is to crumble. How simpler it was to break. How absolutely vulnerable he’d become as Hajime’s lips met the corner of his. Never quite touching, not really, but there. 

Momentary, like a secret carried away into the dead of night. Ingrained, like an oath before the gods. The hand that previously caressed his cheek now grazed the other corner of his lip. Like a (fake) boyfriend would do. 

And it hurts. It hurts.

And it was gone. Meeting those dark eyes once more, Seishu feels as lost as ever. 

He wanted to scream. He wanted to whimper. The demand to know why, why, why, coursed through his heart, making his head seem fuzzy. The silent plea trapped in his chest asking for this to make sense. Pinpointing the moment he understood what it meant to finally fall . Wishing that something as monumental as this can leave him too. 

And caught in his throat, only echoing in his mind, he can only hear his voice, yelling. 

How dare you...?

“Please say you want me…”

How dare you?

“Please stay with me, Seishu…”

How could you…?

He feels something intertwined with his fingers. Looking down, he sees a familiar hand lazily draped over his. Instinctively, both tightened their grip, fingertips clutching onto the promise. That they were forever. Forever was theirs. The cold metal of the ring shone dimly beneath the moonlight, and for a moment, just one moment, he wished they were engulfed in darkness. 

His heart couldn’t take the sight of a matching ring, promising that he, Kokonoi Hajime, was every bit for Inui Seishu. And he was sure that his resolve started to break. 

“Hajime…” He found himself saying, prompting the ravenette to bring his head up. It’s heartbreaking, really, when both eyes cast down to each other’s lips. It’s pitiful, when they lean in, breath intermingling, not thinking. Not asking for anything. Just gravitating towards each other, like it was only natural. 

Like it was meant to be. 

Then it hit him. The wave of reality, that he needed to wake up. Seishu doesn’t go any further, whereas Hajime falls into his lap, sleep overtaking his senses. 

God . He should just walk away. Right now. But he knows. God, he knows how much that is to ask for. That’s why as his (fake) boyfriend slipped off into a peaceful slumber, the blond quietly looked away, shaking. 

Maybe it was nicer in his dreams. Hajime wouldn’t hurt him there. Wouldn’t plague his mind every moment he woke up. It wouldn’t hurt this much. 

“You confuse me.” He tries his best to keep his voice steady, but he feels all the more breathless. Everything confused him, and he hated how, in the midst of that uncertainty, that promise is the only thing he can think of that calmed him down. 

He carefully set him down properly on the bed, contemplating on whether or not he should go. He draped that red scarf over his arms, brushing away that stray lock of hair behind his ear. It pained him, how beautiful he looked, being kissed by the moonlight that loved him more than Seishu will admit.

Because he couldn’t love Hajime. 

He begins to stand up when he feels something weakly tugging on his shirt. The ravenette, in his drunken haze, still reached out to him. The blond, as he wiped away his tears, held onto that promise. 

Please stay with me.

Okay. Then, could he ask something of him, too…?

Hajime…

Please don’t make me love you.

Passing bells rang throughout the street, the golden lights illuminating the way. Snow crunched beneath their feet, as the path that once shone with every step now descended into the dark of night. 

The previous week remained unspoken and unresolved. Not that Sei wanted to burden Haji with that knowledge. Perhaps, after three weeks, they had gotten too comfortable. Something too secure in the affection between them. 

If one could call it that.

This was…

This was snow gently contrasting against the red of his old scarf. This was the snowy breeze sharply caressing their cheeks and playing with their hair. This was a frosty breath disappearing into nothing. This was the dark indigo of the night dancing with blue and purple hues, tempting them into something… revered. 

This was barely-there warmth in their linked hands. This was controlled coolness in their rings. 

This, Sei can be sure of, was the point of no return.  

The walk to the church that had once been illuminated now blended in with the night sky, the moon not bothering to hide its brilliance in the cloudless sky. 

“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?”

No one knows who spoke first, and perhaps it was better that way, not knowing. The two continued their path, frosty breath disappearing into nothing. The silence felt comfortable.

“Taiju shouldn’t be too hard to convince. I already got what I want to say laid out.” Haji said almost too casually. He seemed so confident in his abilities and charm, that even Sei felt a little convinced. It was almost believable for the blond. 

Almost. 

“Should I ask how you’re going to present your 50 slide powerpoint?” Sei let out a mix between a sigh and a laugh. 

“If we are to incorporate the statistics then your statement is factually correct…!” Even before this whole fiasco, Sei knew that his boyfriend would throw more words in. Either to further prove his point or to hide the fact that he was somehow right and didn’t want to admit it. “We don’t have to talk about the powerpoint, because the first thing Taiju needs to know is—”

“So you did make a powerpoint?” The blond let out a dry chuckle. “You’re getting predictable, Haji. I thought you’d make this harder for me.” 

“Shut up!” The ravenette shoved his shoulder, but their linked hands made the blond retaliate and drag him wherever he went. “You’re so annoying! A-And clingy! And—”

“Whoa there, when did this become about me?” Sei had an amused smirk on his face, only fueling the other man’s anger. “I’m not the one who thought it was a good idea to give the footnotes their own slides. Slides as in plural.”

“Oh yeah? Who’s the dick that used my money for Monopoly? My hard-earned savings, hmm?” 

“Weren’t you the one who suggested it?” 

“You little—!” Sei put a free finger on the tip of his nose, effectively silencing him.

“While we’re on the topic of Monopoly, I can count how many times you tried bribing everyone to get you out of jail by offering to pay their debt.”

“How the hell do you remember that, dumbass?!” 

“Because you didn’t offer to pay mine,” he replied casually. To the two of them, they knew there was a little bark in his words. Sure enough, as the blond peeked through the corner of his eye, he saw Haji puff out his cheeks. 

“It’s not like you don’t already use me for my money.” He meant it jokingly, but the more Sei thought about it, they blurred so many lines that he didn’t know what was a joke and what wasn’t. 

“Ah yes, your money.” He bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from laughing. “Whose brilliant idea was this again?”

He squeezed their intertwined hands, raising it up for both to see the rings. His boyfriend looked like he was either going to die out of embarrassment or fume in even more anger. He huffed, sharply turning his head away from the blond.

Pfft—!

Sei couldn’t exactly stop it at this point. Laughter erupted from his chest as tears began to prick the corners of his eyes. It was the kind of laughter that was free and spirited, without restraint or anything that would make it any less a wondrous sound. 

And wow. It felt so easy to laugh like him. Cheeks turned pink as more frosty breaths come and go as his ribs ached with every laugh. A wide smile, beaming with mirth as his closed eyes and furrowed eyebrows made him look all the more ethereal under the pale moon and its ever-changing sky. 

As he calmed down, he turned to his boyfriend who remained silent. Silent and staring directly at him. His eyes shone with something, and his parted lips, as if he was about to say something, could only mirror the ghost of his smile. “What is—”

“You’re beautiful.” 

Sei blinked. His smile morphed into a state of confusion. He was half-expecting a retort or an insult at him. But God, not this. It felt too intimate. Too passionate. He feels his hand clench in his as if he was trying to affirm for himself that something was real. “I don’t understand.”

“I haven’t seen you smile or laugh like that when we started this.” Sei’s eyes widened at this. He knew Haji to be observant, but not this much. Especially about… trivial things. Though he suspects it’s because he, himself, never had much experience with love.

Maybe he did, once. Even then, he knew that love for him was to be denied. 

“Sei…” He shifts his attention back on Haji, who seemed to be much closer now. The two stood still, staring at each other before the ravenette brought his hand to the blond’s cheek. He let it linger there for a while before brushing his fingers over the scar and tucking his hair. 

He chastised himself, hating the way his heart sped up at the contact. His wandering eyes didn’t help either, searching his face for any sign to stop or to fully take in his ‘enchanting’ presence. Both of which, he believed, is not evident. 

He hated how the night wasn’t over, especially with how his hands treaded to his scarf. Their breaths intermingled, both faces feeling hot at the closeness. As Haji trailed his gaze down to his scarf, Sei could only scold himself for thinking he was looking down at his lips. 

These thoughts have been pestering him more and more. 

He wanted to believe that his touches were innocent, but something similar to temptation stared at him. He wanted to believe that it was all fond affection that he could have. He wanted to pretend that this meant something. 

His jaw and cheeks rested snuggly against the scarf, curious and timid eyes searching Haji’s. His thin and lithe fingers brushed against his skin every now and then. Despite the chill, his fingertips left a burning trail when it gently grazed his lips. 

Sei barely moved an inch, not letting any emotion show on his face. In his own way, convincing himself that his feelings meant nothing. He was the first to back out, placing his hands on Haji’s chest and gently pushing him away.

The cold wind came in much harsher than he remembered, the familiar warmth now dissipating. All that’s left were his hands on his chest, looking at anywhere but his eyes. He didn’t need to spare a glance to know that his boyfriend was staring intently at him, hands holding onto his wrists. 

“Your heartbeat…” 

It’s erratic. It never slows and only beats hotter and harder in his chest. It’s the type of rhythm that increases its tempo whenever the thought of him passes through Sei’s mind. It’s when he realizes what he’s thinking of, and wonders if wanting it was a sin. 

Does it beat for me…?

He hesitates before raising his head to meet Haji’s gaze. Only to find it staring to his side. Following his line of sight, everything made sense. Mid-banter, they had arrived at their destination. The church echoed its bells, tolling and looming over them. 

The doors before them opened. 

Stepping into the threshold made them feel small and insignificant in the dark. Moonlight peered through the stained glass windows, a kaleidoscope of blue, indigo, and violet painting the floor. Heels clacked against the marble floor, the sound echoing across the room. Like the air itself was still, and the two entered a dream-like place. They held onto each other, as lovers would do.

The way to the altar was long, but the silhouette standing in front of the altar unsettled them. They set foot into the church, expecting Taiju’s figure to be facing the cross with a more reverent expression on his face. They supposed it would be easier that way, but they can’t deny that this was more treacherous. 

Standing there, in holy ground, like a bride left on the altar dressed in somewhat white and casual clothes. Shiba Yuzuha. 

Sei felt a hand tightening his grip, and all he could do was hopelessly squeeze it back. From the corner of his eye, he sees Haji turn his head towards him, as if this was a miscalculation. His expression softened at the sight of the blond’s small smile as if to comfort him and share in the nervousness. 

“Yuzuha.” Haji found himself saying as they approached the altar. 

“Hajime.” She responded curtly. 

“Will your brother be here?” The ravenette asked, looking around for any sign of the man. 

“Whatever you have to say to him, you can say to me.” Sei supposed that Haji’s initial plan is falling apart right now. Just by the way she spoke and composed herself made him think how lucky anyone would be to be with her. “Your supposed betrothed deserves the right to hear from the man himself, or am I wrong in assuming that?”

Hajime visibly gulped. He knew Taiju to be a man based on concrete and objective facts. Deciphering what is best for Yuzuha to hear is another thing. Sei hears him take a deep breath. “I am sorry that it had to be this way. I’ve said multiple times that I have no intention of marrying, and believe me, it’s not against you.”

Yuzuha’s face remained expressionless as he continued. “Please understand that I didn't mean to harm your good name. You must know, surely you must know that I harbor no ill intention towards—”

“I don’t care what you intend to do with me.” She cuts him off, and the two are stunned into silence. For a moment, she breaks her composure. Truly breaks it, and speaks what’s really on her mind. “I came here for clarity and you are sure to have provided quite enough of that.”

Yuzuha pushed herself off of the altar and walked towards the two, keeping her eye trained on Haji. 

“I know you prefer to be independent. I know your ill will, so you say, is never targeted against me or my family, for that I am grateful. I can understand you well. There is power and there are those who fight for it. Believe me, the reasoning is mutual here.” She looks up at him, now only a few feet away from where they are. “What I don’t understand…”

She points to the man beside him. “...is why he came into the picture.”

Haji nearly burst a vein as he stepped in front of his boyfriend protectively. “What does Sei have to do with this?”

“Are you listening to yourself, Kokonoi?” Sei puts a hand on Haji’s arm, preventing him from moving. “Secretly dating for six months? When I expected you to move on, I didn’t mean this.” 

“Of course the conversation would come back here.” The ravenette scoffs. “You’re acting as if he didn’t matter to me at all.”

“Did he matter to you the same way she did?” If only Sei could just pretend that he didn’t know who they were talking about. It would make the heartbreak easier. “She mattered to me, too. So don’t act as if you had it worse than any of us.”

That seemed to strike something in Haji. “Do you believe I could be so heartless? I never said that I suffered more than you—”

“And yet here you are!” Yuzuha let out a humorless laugh, almost a scoff at Haji. “Don’t you understand what you’re doing?”

“Please enlighten me, then!” They were full-on shouting, at this point, and all Sei could do was make sure they never resorted to violence. As calculating as his boyfriend could be, he was still subject to his emotions. 

“He can’t be the person you’ll go for just because you couldn’t have her!” Those words seemed to echo across the church, stunning both of them to silence. “Do you really think it’s fair to him? That you’re seeing his dead sister in his place? That you can pretend that she’s alive and that he’s—”

“Akane meant something to me.” Haji’s voice is quieter this time around. It was firm but collected. “I thought of her every day, and I can never deny what was true. I loved her.”

Yuzuha looked like she was about to say something when he continued. “As selfish as it is of me to say it, I don’t regret saving him. A hundred times over, I’d look for him. A thousand times more, I’d still choose him. In every life, I want it to be with him.”

Sei felt his eyes widen before softening his expression. He knew Yuzuha to be right in everything she said, and she raised valuable points, but if there was something he can fully agree on it is the unfairness of the situation. 

He shouldn’t feel as though his feelings were real, because they aren’t. He shouldn’t feel as though it was meant for him, because everything would be easier to believe that. He shouldn’t feel as though he wasn’t deserving of that, even if it’s fake. 

It was like he was being pulled in every direction and he had no idea where to go. He didn’t realize he had been gripping Haji’s sleeve tighter than usual until his hand felt his. Smooth like jade, thin and timidly raking his fingertips over his. His eyes darted to the man who was already gazing fondly at him. 

Just this once…

…could he bring himself to believe that this was real to him, too?

Haji brings Sei’s hand closer to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss he grew accustomed to on his ring finger. Not to display this sort-of-love to Yuzuha or to swear to God that it’s genuine. It was just his way of comforting someone he held in high regard. 

“I really couldn’t bring myself to care about your reasons.” Yuzuha cuts in. “That is to say, I don’t care what you think of me. The only reason I’m here is because I wanted to see for myself that you can be happier without…” 

She trailed off, leaving the two men to wait with bated breath. 

“I’m sorry.” Yuzuha bowed. “I misunderstood you.”

“No, please.” Haji reached out, arms holding onto hers to bring her back to face level. He gleaned at Sei. “There are still some things that need to be said.”

She accepts the answer at face value, believing that she can now lay her heart to rest knowing that he’ll be okay. Her smile is apologetic and sincere. “I wish you both the best.”

“Does that mean—”

“You can leave Taiju to me.” She turns to Sei. “I leave him in your care.”

He found himself nodding, at which Yuzuha smiled solemnly. She turns to Haji as if to say that it was nice seeing him like this, to which he returns the gesture. 

She’s about to leave with a trail of white and never-happened flowers following behind her with the moonlight losing its grip on her when she stops and turns around. With every goodbye to the Haji and Sei she knew, she beams regardless of the stray tear falling on her cheek. “I hope you’ll be satisfied with what you have now.”

The church doors close with a resounding thud.

The two were alone, staring at the blue and violet moonlight hitting the floor. They knew they needed to talk about this. Whatever this was. Even if it would only hurt them, this is the best way to move forward. 

“Ha—” “I meant it.”

Sei looked at him curiously, his boyfriend wearing a serious expression as his hands trembled. “I’m sorry if you felt forced to stay because of me.”

“That’s not true. You know that’s not true.” Sei didn’t think, only moving to hold his arm in one hand and caress his cheek with the other. Haji immediately found his way to the blond’s hands with a sharp inhale.

“Isn’t it though? Aren’t we fucked up in the head for everything we didn’t say?” The ravenette would rather look at anywhere but his eyes, hands shaking with every beat of his heart. He opened his mouth to say something when Sei tightened his grip.

“I stayed because I wanted to go wherever you went.” I wanted you.

“I stayed because it was you.” It’s always been you.

“I stayed because I…” I love—

“Seishu!” He blinked. His head was now against Haji’s chest somehow, hands fisting his coat and voice turning an octave higher. He wasn’t aware that he was shaking. Very badly. Haji’s hands softly brushed his hands through his hair. 

“You’ve been hurting the most, Sei.” He hears him speak above him. “I’m so sorry.”

He didn’t know if he wanted him to say that. The worst part about it was that once it’s done, it isn’t easy to undo the damage. Most times, he doesn’t even know if there will be damage. This hurts. 

“I didn’t want to hurt you, that’s the last thing I’d do.” This hurts, Haji. “I couldn’t do that to someone I love.”

Sei took a deep breath, almost whimpering. “Please don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Please don’t lie to me.”

“Sei.” He gently brings his face closer and presses his forehead against his. “Sei, I could never lie to you.”

“You can’t, but you can lie to your father? To your friends? To Yuzuha and Taiju?” He didn’t mean to snap, really he didn’t. But even he could be a slave to his emotions. “You can’t… You can’t lie to me about this. You… You can’t just say that you love me. It doesn’t make sense!”

“You make sense to me.” He feels Haji wipe away the tears he hadn’t realized were falling down. “Loving you makes sense to me.”

“It doesn’t because…” How could you love me? After I let myself get used by you and using you? You didn’t deserve that. You can’t, because it’s me.  “...something like this needs to be said clearly.”

“Okay.”

“...is this alright?” His hands tremble, loosening his grip on his clothes. 

“It is. Is this alright?” Haji’s fingers on his hair stopped threading through it. Sei wordlessly nodded before swallowing thickly. “Was I enough?”

“You are.” Hajime doesn’t hesitate. “Was it… Did it feel right?”

“It did. It does.”  Seishu quickly corrects before glancing down.

“Does this…” Slowly, the blond parted a bit and removed the ring from his hand. ‘Forever’ glinted against the blue and purple. “...mean anything to you?”

A moment passes as the quiet rolled in. It wasn’t to hesitate, Inupi realizes it’s to remove the one on Koko’s. He slips his on the blond’s ring finger, almost too slowly, just in case he wants to back out. “...yes. Does this…”

Kokonoi’s thumb brushes over the ring, and in a meek voice, he continues. “...mean anything to you?”

Inui blinks, twisting his hand to see the ring. The infinity side was on the other side, and he felt a different engraving on the inside. The next thing he knew he took off his own and slipped it on his boyfriend’s. It was almost breathless for him to do that; it felt sinful and he reveled in it. “Yes.”

He opens his mouth to say something, only to close it multiple times, as if he was afraid that the answer would change everything. “Why would you kiss me?” 

For a brief minute, it seemed like he didn’t know what to say. If there is an answer to it, he didn’t know the right one. Everything he wanted to say disappeared until the only answer he could give was on his tongue. “...because I wanted to.”

The ravenette turned away, shoulders shaking as if he’s trying to stop himself from crying. “Why did you say yes?”

Even the blond didn’t know that, and yet the silence felt all the more deafening at the lack of an answer. All that was there was a promise made to each other before an altar that even God would mock. This stillness felt suffocating when he circled his arms around him suddenly.

Sei buried his face in his back, not muttering a single word. For now, he was fine with it when Haji abruptly turned around to hug him with all the force in his body. The two stand like that for a good while. 

Foreheads pressed against each other, not knowing how else to go forward. Staring into each other’s eyes without saying a word. There is no sound, only the pattern of the church’s stained glass highlighting the tears and the heartbreaking smile. 

“You make no sense to me.” Both are surprised at Haji’s statement. And they laugh as if it was an inside joke. Maybe it is. 

“Dumbass, like you’re any better.” Their laughter didn’t echo, but they supposed that’s what it’s like to be in their own world. They didn’t wipe away the other’s tears, only breathing in.

Before finally getting to exhale. 

Before they lean in, and no one knows who was the first to break.

You are nonsensical.

It wasn’t rushed, at least, it didn’t start that way. Hands gripped his hair, trailing down to his jawline and neck before resting over his heart. Pounding against his ribcage as if his heart would pour out. Eyes tightly knit to pretend that this dream would never end.

You confuse me.

It’s clearer now. Sei had pushed Haji against the altar and curled his body closer to him. The ravenette had his hands search for his arms, sensually moving as though he were trying to memorize every pattern. At some point, he had him pushed down so they were lying on top of the altar, lips never leaving the other.

You…

Lips moved languidly and flawlessly as if they were made for him. Everything is hot, eyebrows scrunched up getting into the moment. Soft, like his hair as he threaded long fingers through it. Gentle, like the lingering touches he left behind. Every minuscule movement left him dizzy. It felt good. 

“You—” A sloppy kiss as he pushed his tongue in.

“You—” An intoxicated mind with no second thought as he pushed his head closer, breathing in his scent and pulling him in.

“You—” A moan and a tear escaped.

When they had nothing else to say except divulge in the language of a kiss, they let the heavens in on their conversation of mockery and love.

Snow fell and danced. Sei stared above him, nonchalant and expressionless eyes watching the snowflakes pass by. The end of the month fast approached. 

Before him, Hajime kept a distance, hands in his pockets waiting for his boyfriend to tell him why they were there. He should have known. There were so many signs. Kokonoi should’ve seen this coming. 

Like a snowflake that came too soon, Inui spoke.

“Let’s end this.”