Archive of Our Own

It was a busy period leading up to their first Live, but Astel welcomed it. A part of him derived great satisfaction from getting a project -- especially one that had been building up for the better part of a year now -- off the ground. He liked being hands-on and fully involved in the planning and the production side of things, never really content to just sit back and let things happen.

There was a time when his dreams were out of reach, when he didn’t have the means or the capability to make what he envisioned into reality. And that time hadn’t been too long ago so he still remembered how it felt to have to push aside what he wanted -- again, because as any person would realize as they grew older, dreams died more often than they were fulfilled in a lifetime -- and to settle. To compromise. To say ‘maybe next time’ to the wishes he’d nursed carefully in his heart for years.

So now that he was here and at the cusp of achieving another one of his dreams, he didn’t let up. He worked as long and as hard as he could, and maybe even more than he should.

And he was happy doing it. He felt fulfilled. He really didn’t think he could ask for more right now (though more money was always good because wow, everything he wanted was expensive). He had a strong support system, his confidence had built-up over time, and even when he faltered, all he had to do was look at the posters and the promotional materials for the Live that were practically everywhere and proving that he'd made it to the point he'd been trying to claw his way to for two years or so now.

Whenever he saw himself on those posters, he found his determination soaring. He would give everyone as grand a show as he could. He would make people happy. The smirk they’d captured him wearing for the Live promotions even seemed to say ‘look at me, I have everything I ever wanted.’

An accidental glance to one of the people beside him on the poster, and Astel’s eyes were catching on blond hair for a second -- a matching smirk and with an added wink to boot on Temma's face -- before he deliberately looked away.

Well, maybe Astel didn’t have everything he wanted, but certain things or certain people being out of reach just couldn’t be helped, right?

Temma wasn’t sure where he was going wrong when it came to winning Astel’s affections, but that certainly didn’t stop him from trying over and over again. He’d thought up many different plans on how to clue his genmate into his feelings, but either Astel was just too obtuse to get it or was simply uninterested in Temma in that manner. It was probably the former because Temma knew by now that everyone found him cute, one way or another. Astel was clearly just being too slow on the uptake here.

Or maybe Astel was just a flirt -- calling Temma cute and saying he liked Temma on a whim -- and didn't want to commit to anything at all and that's why he wasn't responding properly to the blond's advances?

It was hard to tell, really -- no, nevermind that all his friends insisted it was Temma who was being ridiculous here and that Astel obviously liked him well enough. What would they know? He was pretty sure Miyabi’s experience in relationships was next to nothing and Aruran’s knowledge on the dating scene was probably phased out along with the extinction of the dinosaurs.

Anyway, even if his friends doubted him and thought that he was an airhead (he couldn’t fathom why people kept saying this about him when he considered himself a very calculating fellow in everything he did), he’d come up with a very specific plan to figure out how Astel really felt about him within the week.

He’d played an otome game recently and it had given him some ideas on how best to get a man’s attention. He'd even properly bagged his target in the game and proved his expertise on the matter. Sure, there had been bumps along the way, but the results spoke for themselves. Temma knew exactly how to get Astel to fall utterly in love with him. First, he had to dress well. Second, he had to say the right things. Third, he had to pick the right place. And finally, he had to only touch Astel when the parameters for skinship were high enough.

“Isn’t that all just common sense?” Aruran asked when Temma tried to explain his genius to his friends. “Don’t you already do all of that?”

“Maybe he’s failing at the ‘say the right things’ part,” Miyabi pointed out, laughing. “Your brain seems to short-circuit every time Astel talks to you, Temma. You either respond so quietly or find a way to insult him.”

“What a genius way to win him over,” Aruran remarked, laughing as well. “Insult him and brush him off whenever he tries to say he likes you.”

“I don’t know what you two are talking about,” Temma replied, trying to think of an occasion when he’d done any of that and not being able to come up with any. As far as Temma remembered, he’d been nothing but sweet to Astel whenever they interacted (but not too sweet because he was, at the core, a shy and introverted person who didn't want to outright throw himself at his crush). His intentions had been very clear from the start and it was all Astel’s fault that they hadn’t progressed, not Temma’s. “Astel’s just a difficult guy to win over. He's like the last route of an otome game that you need to play the other routes to unlock. He's the final boss. I need to give it everything I’ve got to beat him.”

All he got in response to his passionate statement was more laughter from his friends. These guys! They really were useless when it came to romantic things! But that was alright because Temma himself was a self-proclaimed expert so he didn't need their input. He hadn't even used a guide when he'd played that otome game!

And if Miyabi said ‘You sound like you want to punch him, not date him’ in the midst of his laughter, Temma ignored it like the joke it probably was.

“What are we shopping for?” Astel asked, trying to sound casual and friendly as he kept pace beside Temma. A part of him was happy he’d been invited out to do such a thing -- Temma didn’t really ask him to go anywhere seriously (those invitations to see fireworks and Disney parades together were probably just the sort of thing one said to keep good relationships with one’s coworkers) -- but he tried not to let it show.

This was just a shopping trip. Temma probably just asked Astel because the blue-haired man was known to be the consummate shopper in their little group. And maybe Astel was the only one who was free at this time too. It was getting late and their other friends had gone directly home after practice so perhaps Temma was just making do with the leftovers and didn’t really want to be here with Astel anyway.

The point was, this was a normal thing and Astel shouldn’t be feeling giddy about it. But his stomach was doing little excited flips anyway despite his best efforts. Maybe it was because he’d been in a good mood for a while now given everything else that had been going right in his life. Perhaps a tiny part of him was even hoping that this little outing with Temma would lead to something nice too.

Was it possible to hope for something like a Christmas miracle between him and Temma?

“Oh, I need a gift for Miyabi for our Hanakishi Exchange Gift stream,” Temma said, and the words were enough to bring Astel back to reality. He almost let out a laugh -- of course that’s what it was, he should’ve guessed -- but he managed to keep it to a smile instead. He wasn’t bitter, not really, just amused at his own delusions that he’d almost allowed himself to fall for.

He’s not for you, Astel reminded himself. After all, how many times now had he outright tried to make a move on Temma? The only conceivable reason for the constant rejections was that Temma was already taken or simply didn’t like Astel in that way. And the stories Astel had heard about Hanakishi made him think that it was probably even both.

Temma didn’t like him in that way and was also very obviously dating Miyabi. They were even doing exchange gifts just between the two of them!

“That’s nice. Do you have something in mind?” Astel asked. He knew he should probably say something teasing or humorous, but every time he was around Temma and it was just the two of them, he never really found the need.

He was alright with the silence that often permeated their one-on-one encounters. In a way, it was comfortable. Temma never seemed to expect him to carry the conversation and so Astel didn’t try to exhaust himself to do it. He wasn’t going to joke around and pretend to be hyper when he didn't feel like it. He’d save that for when others were around them and would think it strange if Astel didn’t behave in some sort of energetic manner.

When it came to being a mood-maker, Astel preferred to take up that role only when he had no other choice. He was eternally thankful that Temma never questioned him on the quiet and instead matched it with his own. In this way, their conversations seemed more private when it was just them. Like little secret parts of themselves that they only showed each other.

“I was hoping you’d have suggestions,” Temma replied quietly. He always sounded so soft and shy around Astel that at first Astel had thought it meant more than the reality of Temma probably just feeling uncomfortable talking candidly to him.

Because despite Astel feeling like this sort of communication was comfortable and an indicator of their closeness, he'd also heard Temma mention that Yurustars were the people that the blond felt most comfortable being around. Logically, that meant that Temma was still uncomfortable on some level around the rest of them, Astel included.

Shouldn’t you know Miyabi best? Astel wanted to ask, but he decided he didn’t want to have this sort of conversation with Temma right now. He was also tired from practice, and the knowledge that this wasn’t the date that he’d stupidly wished it was when he’d agreed to it -- he knew it wouldn’t be, but there was always that tiny little hope -- made him want to end this as quickly as possible so he could go home and rest. 

“Hmm, well maybe we can check out some appliances or practical things for his new home. He just moved, right?” Astel said instead, and without waiting for Temma’s explicit agreement, he went ahead and began to lead the blond to the appropriate shops.

It didn’t take long. In fact, it only took a single shop because Temma was agreeable and didn’t seem to have many qualifications for his gift aside from the fact that it had to be reasonably cheap because he didn’t want to strain his budget. Astel nodded along to Temma's suddenly lively explanation about finances while the blond picked a gift, and then later, he accompanied his friend to the counter to pay.

"They probably have a free gift-wrapping service," Astel blurted out when Temma was done, a bit unsure why he was prolonging his own agony with this but also not wanting to part just yet. Temma was being pretty cute tonight, his proud smile at having bought a cheap and yet great gift tugging at Astel's heart strings.

Somehow, the mention of a free service made Temma even happier than before (how could a guy who looked so cool be so dorky? Astel would never understand why he'd fallen for such a weirdo, maybe there was something fundamentally wrong with the way his heart processed adorable blond men) and he practically dragged Astel over to the area, the two of them ending up standing together in silence as they waited for Miyabi's gift to be wrapped.

Astel wondered if he should excuse himself now that their goal had been accomplished. They were standing pretty close together -- their arms were touching -- and he was admittedly losing his composure the longer this went on. As soon as he opened his mouth to say something, however, he felt something warm and heavy land on his head. He turned, blinking in confusion and not quite processing the fact that Temma had shifted positions to start patting Astel on the head. What was going on? Was Temma that happy about the free gift-wrapping suggestion? Would clipping out coupons and forwarding discount emails have the same effect?

“Thank you, Astel,” Temma said, smiling. He continued stroking Astel’s hair gently as he spoke. “I’m happy you agreed to come.”

“Oh,” Astel replied, still unsure what in the world was happening but deciding in the end that this was probably another weird Temma thing that he was doomed to never understand. At the very least, it didn’t mean anything Astel wanted it to mean. That was impossible. “No problem.”

He couldn’t help the smile and the light flush on his cheeks as he looked up at Temma. It felt nice, at least, even if it was just another crazy maneuver from the naturally crazy guy Astel’s stupid heart had decided to fall for without permission (Also, why did it feel a little like Temma was treating him like a pet? And why did he like it?). 

And though Astel wasn’t the type of person who liked too much close contact from people -- he most definitely wasn't a hugger, as all of his friends would attest, and he balked at the thought of sleeping beside anyone he wasn't in a relationship with -- he somehow always ended up making allowances for Temma even if the guy himself never seemed to notice anyway.

“Temma's crazy,” Izuru had remarked once. “You’re being very obvious and he’s being… whatever it is he’s being.”

“He’s being Temma,” Astel had replied, and then the both of them had laughed at the accuracy of the statement.

“One day, he’ll notice that you like him,” Izuru had then tried to comfort Astel. He was never good at comfort -- Izuru was blunt when it came to these things, having declared early on that he had no intentions of pampering his best friend -- but he did try sometimes.

“It’s okay if he doesn’t,” Astel had said then, and over time, he’d come to mean it. It didn’t matter if Temma didn’t like him in the same way. Astel had no issues showing his affection and getting nothing in return.

It was the type of thing he'd gotten used to. Astel liked to give, to spend, and to spoil the people who were important to him, but he'd learned a long time ago to not expect the same treatment in return. This was also why whenever Astel did get something precious gifted to him, he worked hard not to squander it, and always wanted to do his best to show his appreciation.

“I really like your new hairstyle, by the way. Your hair is sparkly and soft,” Temma said now, and Astel was focusing his gaze on the blue eyes across from him, not registering at first that Temma was bending towards him, the blond’s face coming closer even as he continued to stroke at Astel’s hair.

“Thank you,” Astel said, trying not to react to the proximity. What was Temma even doing? Did he know how close he was? Was he trying to--

No way, Astel, don’t be stupid. He’d never kiss you, Astel mentally scolded himself, and then he was stepping back, grasping at the hand Temma had in his hair and pulling it off gently. He made sure to smile warmly at Temma to ensure that the blond knew there wasn’t any hard feelings between them even if Astel was now backing away.

“Anyway, I’ll-- uh. I’ll go catch my train if you’re okay now? With your present for Miyabi?” Astel asked, willing his heart to stop racing in his chest and hoping that the heat he could feel burning on his cheeks wouldn’t process as an embarrassed blush in Temma’s crazy brain. With luck, maybe Temma would even think Astel's cheeks were naturally red or something. It wasn't like he looked at Astel's face often enough to tell, right?

“It’s-- yeah, I’m okay,” Temma started. He seemed to be opening his mouth to say something more, but Astel was just about ready to throw himself off the nearest cliff -- he was making a fool of himself, he was sure, and probably looked like a tomato by now or a Christmas light -- so he didn’t stick around for it.

“Great, I’ll see you around then! Take care on your way home!” Astel said, turning and briskly walking away.

“Take care, Astel,” Temma said softly in reply, wondering what part of the date he’d done wrong. He was pretty sure it’d gone perfectly and all according to his calculations, so why hadn’t he gotten his kiss at the end?

Their next meeting involved Roberu -- an anniversary that Astel was happy to attend and Temma was just thankful he was invited to -- and like anything involving their orange-haired genmate, it devolved very quickly into a night of chaos.

Temma was happy that he was closer to the rest of Suntempo now and that they could hang-out and laugh together like this, but sometimes he felt a little bit like Roberu found him funnier than should be possible considering that most of the time, Temma was simply standing there and doing absolutely nothing to incite laughter.

Even now, Roberu was laughing and all they were doing was standing there by the bar and waiting for Astel to come back from the toilet so they could all say their final goodbyes and part for the night. Normally, they'd stay together longer, but both Astel and Roberu had planned streams for after this, and Temma was just eager to get home because he'd had his fill of being extroverted for one night.

“What’s so funny?” Temma asked, running a hand through his hair nervously as he wondered if there was something stuck there (another afro, perhaps?) and causing this reaction from his friend. “Every time you look at me, you--”

“You should join him in the toilet,” Roberu said, wheezing the words out before he seemed to have cracked himself up all over again. “Maybe it’ll solidify your bonds faster. Bring you two even closer.”

Temma found himself letting out his own laugh, more from embarrassed surprise than anything else. Why would he ever join Astel in the toilet? Then again, if they were doing other things -- possibly more sexual things -- instead of the usual toilet related stuff, then maybe it wouldn't be too bad. But surely Roberu was not suggesting that Temma barge in there to kiss Astel, so--

“I think that toilet bonding method only works for people like you,” Temma said. "And don't forget that you traumatized Astel with that."

“I didn’t do it on purpose!” Roberu claimed, and then he was looking up and towards Astel who was approaching them from the side. “No, Astel, go back in there! I was trying to convince Temma to reenact the toilet incident and--”

“We are not doing that again!” Astel scolded, attempting to kick Roberu as he got nearer. Astel was laughing as he did so, and his balance was off, so he almost toppled over in the attempt while Roberu danced nimbly out of the way.

Temma automatically opened his arms to catch Astel, steadying the smaller man against his chest and forgetting to let go for a moment as he stood there with his arms around Astel and felt the other man’s warmth against him. This was automatically reminding him of the one other time he’d been able to hold Astel like this -- back when he’d picked up Astel on the man’s 3D live and spun him around -- and it was the same, in a way, because it felt just as right as it did back then.

If Temma had any lingering doubts of his own feelings -- though by now, they were all gone with time -- every single instance of close physical contact like this obliterated his hesitations. No one else made him feel so stupidly happy just by being there, and he definitely didn’t have the urge to kiss every other person he'd hugged in this manner.

If only Astel would cooperate and get with the plan--

And then Roberu was laughing again, and Temma was abruptly remembering to let go. There was a knowing look in Roberu's eyes as he made a joke about how Temma should princess carry Astel back to the toilet, but it didn't go further than that. They said their goodbyes afterwards (Astel finally landed a proper scolding smack on Roberu's shoulder in the process), and Temma tried to make his way to the station, simultaneously nursing the memory of what Astel felt like in his arms and yet also trying not to focus on it so much lest it make their next encounter too awkward.

And yet, despite being all caught up in thoughts of Astel, it didn’t register in Temma’s mind at all that Astel hadn’t made a single movement to step out of the embrace earlier. In fact, he'd even leaned back into it a little.

No, such observations were only for one Yukoku Roberu, who'd decided for his own amusement that he wasn't going to help his two idiot friends at all.

The Live was metaphorically breathing down their necks. Astel volunteered to sleep over at the office to help with some last minute preparations, so Temma approached Shinove to ask if he could stay too. It was out of character for him, he knew, but he was eager to get Astel alone again and this was a perfect opportunity for it.

“I’d have thought you’d just go home,” Shinove pointed out, raising both eyebrows at Temma. “Astel’s a perfectionist so I expected him to offer to stay, but you--”

“I want the Live to be a smashing success too,” Temma tried to say. He’d refined his Astel plan -- maybe his dialogue choices the last time weren’t up to par or maybe the clothes he’d worn weren’t good, and that’s why he hadn’t gotten his kiss -- and this was the first opportunity he’d seen wherein he could try again. But he wasn’t going to tell Shinove all of that.

He didn’t want another person to call him crazy, after all. As he kept telling his friends, he knew exactly what he was doing. The outcome was just not going according to plan. Perhaps even his parameters of skinship were too low? Should he try holding hands or a massage to preface the kiss? Patting Astel's head hadn't been enough, after all.

“Sure. They sell that brand of tea he likes in the vending machine a floor down,” Shinove replied flatly, and then he was turning and waving a hand over his shoulder at Temma. “I need to go to a meeting with the other managers. I’ll check on you two later.”

“Wait, what tea? Who are we talking about?” Temma asked, his voice coming out higher than normal due to his sudden nervousness. No way, was Shinove some sort of mastermind? How did he know?!

Shinove just chuckled in reply and Temma had no choice but to follow the advice he was kinda given anyway. Maybe it would help? He couldn't remember if tea boosted statistics anywhere in the game he'd played, but if it was one of Astel's likes then there was surely no harm in utilizing the item?

“Astel, what do you think of my clothes?”

“Hm?” Astel intoned, looking up from where he’d been watching a rehearsal video and focusing on the setup of their lights. A bottle of cold iced tea was waved in front of his face and he immediately took it, if only to move it out of the way so he could properly see who was talking and consequently also study the outfit Temma had on.

“They're good clothes,” Astel said slowly, carefully, trying to pick his words because he wasn’t sure why they were suddenly having this conversation when Temma had never bothered to ask for his opinion on clothing before. “You dress smartly. It’s classy to look at. Sherlock Holmes-ish.”

“So you like it?” Temma asked, and there was an earnest look on his face that Astel’s brain was automatically connecting to that ridiculous pleading emoji that Temma loved using to get favors from his fans on Twitter.

He really looked cute. Like a dog. A golden retriever. A bundle of sunshine who-- wait. They were having a conversation. Astel shouldn't get distracted now.

“Yeah, I think it’s nice. Thanks for the tea,” Astel said, looking away to open the bottle he’d been given and taking a big gulp out of it just to prevent himself from saying anything more. If he started down that road, he probably wouldn't stop with the praises. He didn't want to sound like he obsessed over Temma or thought about the blond a lot more than friends were supposed to think about each other. He did, of course, but he didn't want to actually say it.

“Great. So it’s just conversation, location, and skinship then.”

“What?” Astel asked, trying not to flinch when Temma moved to stand behind his chair and then placed both hands on his shoulders, beginning an honestly terrible message -- Temma's touch was too soft to make a difference -- that Astel wasn’t going to reject anyway.

“Nothing. Here, didn’t you complain about body pains earlier?” Temma was saying, and Astel was fighting to keep his eyes open because as awkward as this was, it was still beginning to feel somewhat pleasant. He could feel himself relaxing as Temma’s fingers dug in a bit harder and seemed to gain more confidence in their movements.

“Yes, but you don’t have to-- ah, that feels good,” Astel murmured, unable to resist. He found himself leaning back a little, the back of his head pressing against Temma’s shirt as he closed his eyes. “Thanks, Temma.”

“I think my only fear here is that you feel small and light and I don’t want to press too hard,” Temma said, his voice dropping to a lower tone that was soothing when accompanied by the massage.

“It’s okay,” Astel assured, letting out a long sigh. This was… well, it was probably just a gesture of friendship, but--

“You always let me do whatever I want,” Temma mused quietly. “Even that princess carry at your 3D--”

“If you had dropped me, I’d have killed you.”

A loud laugh from Temma, and Astel was opening his eyes and tilting his head further back so he could look up into the blond's face. For some reason -- unless Astel was misinterpreting due to his fatigue or the comfort of the massage -- Temma looked cutely shy. There was even a faint flush on his cheeks as he spoke again.

“I’d never drop you.”

Astel’s heart wasn’t doing him any favors tonight. Neither was the tone Temma was using that sounded both self-assured and sexy at the same time. And there was that tiny little hope again that their relationship could be something more than what it was, but Astel was trying so hard to shut it down because it’d always been wrong before so surely it was wrong now too.

Temma was just being nice. A good friend. Nothing more. And besides--

“Mm but didn’t you say that you just did it to make fun of me being small?” Astel said, remembering Temma’s words from a stream Astel had watched when the stupid hope had blossomed in his heart and had caused a momentary weakness. Why couldn’t he stop trying and being disappointed anyway when it came to Temma? Was he a secret masochist this whole time? “Dropping me could’ve been part of your plan to humiliate me.”

Temma was suddenly realizing now that maybe communication was his problem after all. Maybe Miyabi was right and he was failing to say the right things to Astel this whole time. But it was hard to be completely honest with the person one adored, especially when the possibility of rejection was right there and terrifying.

“I was joking when I said that,” Temma tried anyway, willing himself to not muck up another opportunity between him and Astel.

“So why did you carry me?”

“I--” A pause. There was a limit to honesty, wasn’t there? Temma hadn’t been prepared for this. He glanced at the door nervously, a spike of fear going through him that Shinove would arrive in the middle of him saying something stupidly embarrassing and then Temma would never be able to look their manager in the eye ever again. But he had to try, dammit! Otherwise, he’d never get anywhere!

Temma took a deep breath, steeled himself, and then-- “It’s because you’re small.”

Astel snorted and then he was giggling, and it was so stupidly cute that Temma felt a bit like he was ready to die on the spot from the warm feelings the sound and the sight were producing in him. This was unreal. No one was allowed to be this cute! (Or at least, it wasn't fair that Astel was being cuter than Temma himself right now)

“It’s not a bad thing,” Temma tried again, still a little bit overwhelmed by how much affection he felt inside of him even just standing here giving a giggly Astel a shoulder rub. “I like how light you are. You’re warm and you smell good. I kinda wanted to take you home as a souvenir.”

More blessed laughter that was seriously doing damage to Temma's ability to stand there and look unaffected, and then finally Astel was quieting down to grin mischievously up at Temma. “You can take me home if you’re willing to take care of me like a pet. I want to relax while being pampered for once.”

Temma’s eyes went wide and his mouth fell open. His hands paused in their massage. He quite frankly did not know what to say in reaction to that because his feelings were a mess all at once. Was Astel serious? No, of course he wasn’t. This was a joke, wasn’t it? But Temma had been trying to have an honest conversation so his brain wasn’t being helpful in coming up with a witty comeback. All he could think of was-- 

“I’m very much willing,” Temma found himself blurting out and then for some reason he was thinking that this was another opportune moment for a kiss (the conversation had gone well, his outfit was right, and skinship seemed to be high) so he was leaning in and--

He felt the warmth of Astel’s palm pressing against his lips. Green eyes were wide as they met Temma’s blue ones.

“Temma? What were you trying to do?”

Wait. But wasn’t it clear that Temma was trying to kiss Astel? Had he missed a step? Oh no, he hadn’t confessed yet, so maybe that was it? But now he was all too embarrassed to continue because he hadn’t planned out a proper confession at all and this wasn’t a romantic location and--

“So how’s it going? Are we all set?”

Shinove’s voice accompanied by the manager walking in with some of his assistants killed any chance of the current topic continuing. Astel and Temma moved apart, the former answering Shinove with his thoughts on their setup and the latter attempting to look engrossed over the paused rehearsal video in front of him.

Temma wanted to unpause the video to make his current position make more sense, but his hands were shaking -- he was shaking, swaying a little in place even if he tried to control it -- and he didn’t trust himself with their electronics just then. He had to get a grip. He needed to calm down. But somehow he couldn't because why hadn't he planned around an actual confession? What was wrong with him? And he called himself a genius? He should've--

“We can talk later,” Astel whispered when he was done talking to Shinove, and then he was brushing a comforting hand down Temma’s back. "Relax."

To Temma's surprise, that was enough. He let out a long exhale, feeling Astel's gentle stroking of his back and letting it anchor him back to sanity. If Astel was touching him like this, then surely any talk they'd have would be good, right?

As it turned out, there wasn’t much time to talk about personal things. It was the day of the Live and everyone was busy. Astel was thankful for the adrenaline rush of everything because otherwise he knew he’d be agonizing over the fact that either Temma had really tried to kiss him or Astel had turned even more delusional when it came to his fantasies regarding the blond.

He lost himself to the high of the performance. It was perfect for him, even if it probably wasn’t in all the technical details. The emotional impact of everything even brought a few tears to his eyes because he was fulfilling a dream and he wasn’t doing it alone. He was doing it with the people he considered his family.

The people he loved.

Astel wasn’t thinking that night, not really. All he was doing was feeling things -- happiness, relief, overflowing affection for everyone around him and everyone who had watched them and helped them come this far -- and so his reaction when Temma picked him up backstage, lifted him straight off the ground and into the blond's arms, and twirled him around was--

It was just blissful laughter, a little bit of happy tears, and a general feeling of warmth. In that one moment he allowed himself to admit -- to feel without trying to push the emotion away -- that he loved Kishido Temma with all his heart.

The spinning ended and he found himself in Temma’s embrace, and either he was imagining things or there were warm lips pressing against his forehead and into his hair, the gentle kisses accompanying the tight hug around him.

“We did it,” came the soft whisper into his ear, Temma’s warm breath fanning across his cheek, and Astel was having a weird moment wherein he thought to himself that it was a shame Temma only did gimmick ASMRs because this was really good. “You did it.”

“Yes, we did. You did. I did,” Astel replied, his voice muffled into Temma’s clothes as he hugged back just as tightly. He was feeling a prickling in his eyes again, another onset of tears -- good tears, never bad these days, and he was always so grateful and a little disbelieving that they’d all come this far -- that was stopped by the next few words he wasn’t even sure were real.

“I love you.”

“Temma--”

Astel wanted to clarify, because he’d heard but there were many types of love and what if Temma meant it another way? But that was when the others were coming backstage too, joining them, all of them riding the emotional high now together as they hugged each other and congratulated each other for a job well done.

It’s okay even if he means it as family or a friend or something non-romantic, Astel thought, because he didn’t miss the way Temma was hugging the others too -- hugging Miyabi -- and maybe the blond was whispering the same words to them as well. 

Right now, everything is perfect.

The phone rang and rang and rang.

Temma wondered if Astel was still asleep due to being tired from the Live -- didn't Astel sleep 15 hours from fatigue after his own 3D? -- and he was just about to hang up when a sleepy voice finally answered.

“Hello? Temma?”

“Belated Merry Christmas,” Temma said, sitting cross-legged on his bed and looking down at the script he had written and rewritten on a piece of by-now wrinkly paper on his lap. He’d folded this thing twenty times over in his attempts to bring it everywhere so he could memorize it in his free time. Aruran and Miyabi had even laughed at him when he'd mistakenly brought it out instead of his Pokemon card deck. “I wanted to spend Christmas with you but in our profession, it’s hard to get that date free.”

There was silence for a moment and then Astel was obviously stifling a yawn over the line. Temma could hear the sheets rustling as the other man probably shifted in bed.

“Belated Merry Christmas,” Astel said finally. He still seemed half-asleep so Temma wondered if it was a good idea to continue on with the script right now. Maybe he should wait until-- “And didn’t you have your date with Miyabi anyway? Both of you didn't stream that night so I assumed that's what happened.”

“What?” Temma asked, the word coming out more like a gasp because he hadn’t expected the conversation to take this sort of turn at all. What in the world did Miyabi have to do with anything?

“What?” Astel echoed, and he sounded sleepy but confused. “Aren’t you dating Miyabi?”

“No!” Temma practically shouted, and then he remembered that he wasn’t in a soundproof room so he lowered his volume. “Why would you think that?”

Astel sighed and there was more shifting accompanied by a slight groan as he probably stretched. “I dunno, you two are always-- you know. Like that.”

“But I was trying to date you!” Temma exclaimed, not really understanding where in the world Astel’s assumption had come from. Sure, Temma played up the fanservice with Miyabi when it came to Hanakishi, but that was part and parcel of the job, wasn’t it? Everything else he'd done-- “Surely I made it super clear that you were the one I liked?”

There was a long silence over the line, and it made Temma nervous. He glanced down at his script and he couldn’t even read the words anymore. They weren’t even making sense in his brain. Had all his plans been for nothing then? But that was impossible! He was supposed to be an expert at this!

“I think you and I have different definitions of ‘super clear’,” Astel said slowly. “I told you a few times that I liked you a lot, but you never said it back.”

“I said I loved you,” Temma whispered, all but forgetting his script entirely now in his sudden emotional turmoil. “And I thought you were joking when you said those things.”

More silence. Temma tried to mute himself and at the same time put his phone on speaker so he wouldn’t miss when Astel finally spoke. His hands were shaking and he was, so to speak, losing all semblance of calm. He placed his phone down, crumpled the paper on his lap, and buried his face in his hands, trying to give himself a pep talk so he’d survive this entire ordeal.

“You can do this, Temma. You had a plan. It was perfect. You were going to tell him you loved everything about him. What was the script… the script! Astel, I think about you a lot and if my calculations are correct, there’s a chance that you could like me back. If you would give me a chance then I promise I’ll do everything to take care of you and show you how much I love you and I’ll never take you for granted and I--”

“Temma?”

Temma practically jumped at the voice even if he was still seated in the middle of his bed and in no position to make sudden movements. He scrambled to grab his phone and realized with horror that he hadn’t actually muted himself.

He let out a long and distressed sound of despair, staring at the phone in his hand and wondering if he could possibly evaporate into nothingness by sheer force of will. He tossed the phone away, rolled around in bed for a moment and groaned in utter pain, and then picked it up again and put it to his ear.

“Did you-- did you hear--” he stuttered afterwards, trying to build up to a sentence excusing himself from the conversation due to stomach pains or something.

“Yeah, I heard,” Astel said, and then there was the sound of a deep breath being taken and then expelled before Astel continued. “Temma, I want you to know that every time I told you I liked you, I meant it. I do have feelings for you. I-- I love you and--”

“Oh my god, I’m going to die,” Temma said gravely, feeling like he was about to burst from all the emotion assaulting him. “Aaaah--”

“Stop making it so embarrassing!” Astel interrupted and then he was laughing suddenly, his tone nervous as he seemed to be trying to play it all off as a joke. “Well, you know, I don’t usually say things like that so if you want to forget it, it’s okay. I think I should go back to sleep and--”

“No, no, no, no,” Temma said, invigorated now. He clutched his phone with both of his hands as he continued. “You can’t take it back. You have to say it again then I can get my kiss that I’ve been planning to get forever and--”

Another laugh, exasperated this time. “What the hell do you mean ‘forever’? You didn’t give any clues at all, idiot. Do you know how long I agonized over you?”

“But I thought I made it pretty clear? I was loving you so much in public?”

“What in the-- I was the one making it clear!”

“No?” Temma tried, and then he could hear Astel snorting out another laugh and this time he was joining in.

When they’d both calmed down, Astel’s voice over the line was soft and wonderful and Temma wanted so much to be with him. This brought on the sudden realization that it was a bad idea to do this whole confession thing over the phone because now Temma couldn't even touch Astel despite their feelings becoming more clear to each other. But it’d been so hard to get the timing right!

“Say it again, Temma?”

“You first.”

An embarrassed giggle that really wasn’t helping Temma’s current predicament of wanting Astel in his arms. And then the words said softly. Perfectly. Temma's insides turned to complete mush and he felt a bit like he was melting into some sort of puddle.

“I love you."

"Aaaaaaaah!! Yaaay!! Oh my god," Temma replied, unable to stop himself from squealing. He punched down at his mattress a little as he tried to control himself. "That was so good."

Astel laughed and then he sounded like he was trying so hard to be threatening, his voice dropping to a lower pitch all of a sudden. "Oy, say it back, you--"

“I love you too,” Temma replied, unable to stop himself from closing his eyes and imagining how it would've gone -- how Astel would've felt like in his arms again -- if he'd done this in person instead. “Promise I’ll get my kiss when we next meet?”

“I promise,” Astel whispered, and Temma held the words close to his heart.

Aligning schedules was hard, but this was something both Astel and Temma already knew since they had difficulties arranging even normal collaborations between them before all this. In the end, concessions had to be made such as Astel agreeing to having Temma come over due to the blond’s insistence.

Astel had tried to say no in many different ways -- he lived too far from Temma for such a thing to be practical, he was currently cleaning his house so he was sweaty and dirty, he hadn’t gotten around to buying an extra futon yet so there would be no place for Temma to sleep if he stayed over -- but Temma, when he decided on a goal, was apparently the type of person who didn’t stop until he achieved it.

“Fine,” Astel said at last, deciding that if things went wrong, it’d just be proof that they weren’t compatible after all. At first he hadn’t believed their conversation to be real -- it wasn’t out of the possibility that he’d dreamed it all up -- but the way Temma blew up his phone with sweet messages afterwards cleared up his doubt immediately.

Temma, now that he was more certain about Astel’s feelings for him, seemed to have become more carefree in some ways and more devoted in others. He didn’t miss a day of checking up on Astel and seemed a bit of a clingy boyfriend who got jealous and whined if he didn’t get his way. But in the same vein, he also seemed to have lost his inhibitions when it came to showing Astel his genuine reactions to things.

Such as now, when Temma burst into what sounded like his version of an evil laugh right after he’d bid Astel goodbye and said he’d be over soon.

“I did it,” Temma said, laughing to himself in glee. “I did it. I’m going over to Astel’s place. My plan worked. I really am a genius.”

This guy. Seriously. Astel was going to have to take Temma aside and teach him how to use the mute button properly. Or maybe not, since this was sweet and amusing in its own way.

“I haven’t hung up yet,” Astel pointed out mildly, unable to stop himself from laughing as well. And then he was dealing with the embarrassed apology, followed by the fishing for praise -- ‘but it was a good plan because it worked, right? Doesn’t that make me smart?’ -- before Temma finally put down the phone for real.

Astel continued cleaning, and he lost track of time until Temma did appear, Astel opening his front door to see a bouquet of flowers instead of his boyfriend’s face at first.

“Belated Merry Christmas,” Temma said cheerfully, handing over the bouquet as he stepped over the threshold.

“You should spend next Christmas with me so you don’t have to keep saying that,” Astel said, laughing a little as he accepted the flowers and turned to try and find a place to put them in.

“That’s the plan,” Temma replied without missing a beat. "All your Christmases from now on will be with me."

It was a such a smooth reply that Astel had to fight down the teasing smirk that automatically formed on his lips. He walked over to his kitchen and found an old pitcher he could use as a vase.

“So you can sound cool,” Astel remarked as he set about trimming the ends of the stems and placing the flowers into water. “Thanks for the flowers. Are these meant to be my present?”

“Astel, I always sound cool,” Temma said, and Astel was feeling hands land on his waist from behind, a gentle kiss being dropped into his hair. “And no, I was thinking that your present could be me instead.”

“Cheesy,” Astel replied automatically, but he was turning his head just the same and Temma was meeting him halfway, leaning in until their lips pressed gently against each other’s. Astel found his eyes closing automatically at the soft brush, and then the kiss was deepening and he was unable to stop the singular thought from going through his head.

Maybe I do have everything I wanted after all.