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Maybe Bo shouldn’t have, but she had told Korkie the truth. The truth about Satine and him. That Satine was his mother. She had told him that he had a Jedi for a father too. But that had been weeks ago and things had seemed fine, at least until earlier tonight on Life Day Eve, and then Korkie had been furious. Bo wasn’t even sure what she had done, but she had messed up. She must have said or done something that her nephew didn’t approve of.
And he had completely lost it. Bo wasn’t surprised. He had lost Satine. She had been his mother even if he hadn’t known it until recently. They had still been very close and she had partially raised him. Satine had always been in Korkie’s life and he had always adored her.
But she didn’t think he would say the things that he did.
“This is all your fault!” Korkie had yelled as Bo had stood in front of the fireplace at the house they were at in Krownest. They wouldn’t be here long. It was a safe house until she could find Korkie some place better so that he could be safe and protected.
And until she could regroup with other people who wanted to fight Maul’s rule of Mandalore.
“I—” Bo tried to say. She wanted to explain herself. She had to explain herself. She hadn’t wanted to join Death Watch originally. She wanted Korkie to know that. He was more like a brother to her than a nephew since the two of them were close in age and had been raised together.
But he didn’t give her a chance to explain.
“If you hadn’t joined Death Watch, then maybe Auntie would be alive. Maybe everything would be better, but you abandoned us. You abandoned our family! You only cared about yourself!”
Bo wanted to tell him that it had never been about herself. It had been so much more even if she had made horrible mistakes. Bo wanted to tell him that she had been young, about his age. Fourteenish, and that she knew that she had made a horrible mistake. It was just after her mother had died, and Pre had been the only one who was really there for her. She had never felt as alone as she had then. Yes, Satine said she would be there for her, but she had been busy with her own life.
And Bo had been afraid to reach out to her and her sister had failed to know how much she was hurting. Pre seemed to understand her. She thought he was similar to her. He would listen to her. He would comfort her. He had been like the father that she had always longed to have. He was there when she needed him.
And she had needed someone. He was the only one who had been there for her when she was young and stupid.
Now she knew that he was just trying to groom and take advantage of her. To turn her into a child soldier and a weapon against Satine. Bo wasn’t even eighteen yet, but she hated the person she had been even just a few years ago when Pre had tricked her. It felt like it had happened a hundred years ago.
She felt like a different person now. Less naïve. Less stupid. Less trusting.
Now she knew how horrible the Galaxy was.
And she knew she had made a horrible mistake joining Death Watch, but Korkie wouldn’t let her explain why she had stayed. He had just yelled at her. She had taken it. She let him yell. She deserved it after all.
“You don’t even seem to care about Satine! Do you care about anything or anyone but yourself?”
“I…” but for once Bo didn’t have any words. “You don’t understand.” She wished that she could explain that she had cared about Satine. That she always had.
But the words wouldn’t come.
And what was the point? He wouldn’t believe her. He wanted to hate her. To blame someone.
Bo wanted to blame someone also. Anyone who wasn’t her.
Eventually Korkie stormed off, only then did Bo allow the tears to fall from her eyes. She wished that she could change the past. She really could but she had done what she did. She collapsed to her knees and stared at the fire. For a moment, she considered even putting her hand in it. To feel the pain it would cause. She deserved the pain and physical pain was so much easier to deal with than emotional pain. Maybe it would distract her. And then she could take care of the injury.
She liked taking care of the injuries she had gotten over the years when she had been in Death Watch. She didn’t mind the pain.
But she didn’t hurt herself. Instead she just sat there. Staring at it. She remembered when she had been little. She had loved Satine more than anyone in the Galaxy. She had wanted to be just like her.
But she never would have been like Satine. They were just too different of people. Opposite in many ways.
Maybe she wouldn’t have been that different though if Vizsla…
But what ifs didn’t matter. What mattered what had actually happened. And despite that Bo had always loved her family, she had made horrible mistakes in her quest to help Mandalore and protect people.
And just to survive.
She didn’t know how long she stayed by the fire but eventually when it had gotten dark, she heard someone behind her. It had to be Korkie. Maybe he had decided to leave even though Bo was trying to protect him. She really was. She loved her nephew.
One reason she had stayed in Death Watch was that Pre had said he would kill Korkie when he took Mandalore if she dared leave. Or didn’t do what he wanted all the time.
He had made all sorts of threats and Bo… well, she did what he wanted. She wanted to protect Korkie and Sabine and Ursa and Koska and everyone who mattered to her.
But she couldn’t all blame Pre even if she wished that she could do just that. She had thought that he was best for Mandalore. She had been so wrong.
She was such a fool.
Bo wiped her tears with the back of her hand and then she turned and looked at her nephew. His eyes were red and puffy, but he wasn’t crying anymore.
Bo knew that she should apologize. Maybe things would have been different if she hadn’t been in Death Watch. And maybe she should have argued with Vizsla more about letting Maul help them. She thought she had told him a lot that it was a foolish idea that wouldn’t end well.
But maybe she should have done more to convince him not to ally with him.
If she had done more and Maul had left, Bo would still be Vizsla’s pawn. She’d still be with Death Watch and would do whatever Vizsla ordered. She was freer now, but what did freedom matter?
What did it matter when Satine was dead now?
“I loved Satine,” Bo said instead. “I loved her always.”
She was sure that Korkie would yell at her and again tell her how horrible she was and how she had ruined their family, but instead he said next to her by the fire. Bo sat back down and pulled her knees to her chest.
“She used to… I remember when I was little and she was so good to me. I loved her more than my mom. During the war, before she had to go into hiding, she would let me sleep in her bed and she would always comfort me. She told me how much she cared about me.”
“But you—“
“I know I joined Death Watch,” Bo said her voice breaking. “You have no idea how horrible I feel about that.” She would always have to live with that sin. It would stay with her until the day she died.
Maybe it would remain with her even after. Eternal.
“And Pre… Vizsla…” Bo said but her voice broke. For a moment, she buried her face in her hands.
Korkie studied her, tilting his head to the side slightly.
There was so much that she could say about Vizsla. So much. She could tell how he had hurt Bo… in so many different ways. Korkie already knew some of them but maybe he figured that she had wanted it. She could tell how she had to do horrible things to other people because it was what he ordered and she thought if she didn’t do that, he’d make people she cared about suffer.
There were so many things that she could have told Korkie. But she doubted he would ever understand. To understand you had to be there. A reluctant warrior. A confused and conflicted one.
Bo wasn’t much older now than when she joined Death Watch, but she still realized how young she was when she joined.
And now Bo couldn’t act young. She had to be an adult. She couldn’t behave like a normal girl who was almost eighteen.
In a way she was like Satine in that way. Satine had never been able to be a normal teenager either.
“I wanted to come back,” Bo said. “Right after I joined but he wouldn’t let me. I tried to escape but…” she shook her head. “He locked me up for awhile after that. I thought Satine would figure out where I was. I thought she would send someone to save me. I thought…”
But she hadn’t and Bo had to make do. She had to survive. Bo was many things but one of them was a survivor.
And this over time, things had changed. Part of her continued to resent Death Watch but another part of her thought they were doing what was right for Mandalore. She had never completely agreed with Satine’s politics and being around… Pre.
“I thought you might be with them,” Korkie said.
Bo bit her lip, surprised he would say this. “Really?” She wouldn’t have thought that. Yes, she knew Satine might have found out fairly early or at least suspected it but not Korkie.
“I thought you might be with them and…” Korkie looked at his feet. “I knew you were spending time with Vizsla.”
Now this shocked Bo. “What? How could you have known that?” Before she had left Satine she had done everything she could to hide that she was spending time with Vizsla. That she was letting him train her.
“I didn’t know it was Vizsla,” Korkie said. “I just saw you spending time with someone and he was training you.”
Bo crossed her arms over her chest. She stared into the fire, not wanting to look in Korkie’s eyes.
“I should have told Satine. I should have told her, but I didn’t want you two to fight more! I was stupid and I didn’t want to hear you fighting.” His voice broke and Bo finally looked at him. Tears had formed in his eyes. “And I hoped if you learned to fight then you could teach me one day. I knew if I told on you, you’d hate me forever.”
“Korkie…” Bo said.
“But I should have,” Korkie said. “Maybe if I had then Satine could have stopped you. And Vizsla, I know that he… but I never thought anything like that would happen.” He paused and let out a sob. Bo’s stomach twisted. She hated this. She hated this so much. “Maybe it’s my fault. It’s my fault you had to join Death Watch and then were forced to stay and it’s my fault that my aunt… no, my mother is dead.”
Bo swallowed and then reached out and hugged her nephew for a few moments. “It’s not your fault. You were young. It’s… It’s really not your fault.”
Korkie didn’t say anything at first. “I told her later I saw you hanging out with someone, but I was so bad at describing him to Satine and the protectors.” He looked down. “I failed. If I had done a better job, maybe they would have found you on Concordia.”
“Korkie, this isn’t your fault. I’m the fool who was tricked by Pre. I could have talked to Satine, but I felt… I felt Pre understood me.” But now she knew that he had been using her the whole time.
How could she had been so stupid to fall for it? She had always thought that she was smart, but what happened with Pre had shown that wasn’t the case. She had been a fool.
But now she had to be better. Now she was fighting to get Mandalore back. Maul didn’t care about Mandalorians. He would lead them to ruin.
Bo couldn’t help but torture herself with the thought of him killing her sister too. She had never imagined that her sister would get killed by some random Sith. She had so many plans to try and save her from Pre, but a Sith…
She had never seen that coming.
Korkie sniffled and more tears ran down his cheeks.
“It’s my fault, Korkie,” Bo said, looking down. She shook her head. “You were right when you said it was my fault. I… I’ve done bad things.” Bo’s voice broke and she felt her own tears burning, but she wouldn’t let any tears fall.
She couldn’t.
But it was her fault.
“I should have known better. I just…” Bo looked down, ashamed of herself. “Pre acted like he was a father like figure to me but he…” He never really wanted that role. He had made fun of her for even thinking that later. He had mocked her for it.
Bo still felt stupid for considering him to be like a mentor. She had been such a child. She just wanted someone to understand her. She had never had a father figure. Her own father had died while she was still in her mother’s womb.
And after her mother had died, she had wanted someone like a parent to care for her. Satine had been so busy being the Duchess of Mandalore and Pre… he had told her he would always be there for her. That she could contact him at any time. They seemed to have to similar interests. And she had trusted him.
Stars, she hated her younger self. How could she have been so stupid? She should have known better. But no, she had trusted Pre.
“I’m sorry, Korkie,” Bo said, wiping at her eyes again. She needed to be strong like a good Mandalorian. She had always wanted to be a good Mandalorian since… well, since always. But she had always felt subpar. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not—”
“It is!” Bo said, not letting him finish. “I should have been there for Satine. It was my job to protect her. It was my job! When I was little…” All Bo had cared about when she was little was preparing herself to keep Satine safe.
She hadn’t even made her little self proud. She was such a failure.
“Bo… you… he tricked you… I know how you were before,” Korkie said. “I know that he… I know how sad you were after your mom died.”
Bo just looked down.
But then Korkie hugged her. “I shouldn’t have said what I did. If it’s not my fault, then it’s not your fault. We’re just trying to make it, you know? Everything is so hard.”
Bo nodded and hugged her nephew tightly. He had always been more like a brother then a cousin. She wished that she could believe what he was saying.
“Satine should be here with us,” Bo sniffled. “It’s Life Day Eve.”
Satine had loved Life Day. She had always celebrated it more than any of Bo’s other relatives. Bo remembered her sister taking her to festivals and telling her all sorts of stories. She remembered how Satine let her cuddle up close to her when she was scared.
She had been such a good sister when Bo was little.
How could things have gone wrong?
“Satine would want us to be happy,” Korkie said. He took Bo’s hands. “She would want us to be united. She would want us to think of all the good times.”
Satine would want that and yet…
“I don’t know if I deserve that, Korkie,” Bo said. “I don’t…” She touched her stomach. She just couldn’t help it. It reminded her of… She bit her lip and wiped away her tears.
Korkie pulled her hand away and took it again. “She forgave you, Bo. But do you forgive her?”
Bo stared at him, confused. “What?”
“She… I know Satine… She didn’t think she had done enough for you. Part of her wanted to send people to rescue you from—”
“I forgive her,” Bo said. She didn’t want to hear any more. She couldn’t hear anymore. She was more at fault than Satine.
“She felt bad, especially when… I overheard something and—”
“Let’s tell stories about Satine,” Bo said, trying to keep her voice from breaking again. “I want to remember good things about her sister. I want to tell stories about her. That’s what Satine would want.”
And it was true. Her sister would want that.
But Bo just wished that she could here too.
Bo loved Satine and she always had.
Despite all the drama that happened between them. She would never stop loving her older sister.