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The sharp breath that Ryan draws in as he awakens at first has him thinking that he is unable to breathe… but only upon the second one does he then realize that he isn’t quite just breathing, but he’s instead sobbing. Another night, another dream that throws Ryan back to the night that he lost Gabe. It has already been eight months since Alex figured out that Typhon had been behind the sudden explosion that resulted in Gabe’s death and she struck them down, and yes that was along with his own father, whom Ryan still finds himself heartbroken at having to find out that he was nowhere near the “hero” that he had always proclaimed himself to be. But still, it has been eight months since Gabe was truly able to be laid to rest, and yet Ryan is still plagued with dreams about that ill-fated evening: whether it be simply reliving it, seeing different outcomes, or even like tonight when Gabe seems to come into Ryan’s dreams himself to blame him for his death.
Realistically, Ryan knows that Alex had been right that evening that she met up with Ryan at that very same ravine when she told him that Gabe would forgive him; after all, Ryan did manage to save Alex from also dying. Even if that had been at the cost of losing Gabe, Ryan feels that he knows deep down that Gabe would be happy that Alex was spared, that Ryan had been the one to cut her free from falling down with Gabe and most likely would not be mad at him. But that reassurance can do little to nothing to cull that voice at the back of Ryan’s head that continues to scream at him, telling him that it’s his fault that Gabe is not alive today, that if he had truly wanted to he could have pulled Gabe back up when the rock knocked him off of the edge of the ravine.
Hastily wiping away his tears, Ryan sits up and looks around the studio to see if Alex has come up yet; looks like no. Ryan isn’t overly surprised at this, seeing that Friday nights were very prone to being bustling business for the Black Lantern. He wishes that this night was different, though and that Alex could come back up already. Even though Ryan usually tries to hide his upset about Gabe from her, he knows that it will be inevitable that Alex finds out about this emotional heartbreak he still deals with. Maybe it’s a bit childish, but Ryan wants Alex with him; not like that, but in a comforting way. Alex is really the only person, aside from maybe Steph, that Ryan has allowed to see him in such an emotionally vulnerable state, and tonight she is for sure the only person he would allow to see him like this.
But finally, Ryan decides fuck it and stands up from the bed to start heading down into the bar to search for Alex; who cares if anyone else is down there? But just as Ryan reaches the door, before he’s able to reach a hand out it begins to open and he gets a glance of Alex, seeing as the tired yet satisfied smile on her face quickly melts away into concern.
“Ryan, are you okay?” Alex gently reaches a hand out to place on the side of Ryan’s arm, “I thought you would’ve already gone to bed by now?” Rather than verbally responding back, while still quietly crying Ryan leans into Alex and wraps his arms around her shoulders, able to then feel as Alex loosely wraps her own around his waist. The two stand like this for a bit, and Ryan can notice that poor Alex seems to be trying to figure out how to respond to this situation without the use of her power. Ryan almost reaches the point of telling Alex the issue himself, but she finally seems to realize she has no choice but to tap into her empathy and he can tell as she makes herself concentrate on sharing his emotion, “you had a bad dream about Gabe.”
Ryan pulls back from the hug and nods, “not the first time. But… tonight was different- you don’t have to read my mind for this, I’ll talk about it,” Ryan walks over to the couch, Alex on his heels. Alex sits with her back against one of the arms, inviting Ryan to lay on top of her as he musters the courage to speak about his earlier dream.
“If you don’t want to talk about it yourself-“
“No Alex, I said I would,” Ryan takes one last deep breath and clears his throat before retelling the dream, “so… yeah, I have dreams about that night a lot. Sometimes it’s just reliving the entire thing, most of the time it plays out differently, such as me not being able to save you. But tonight’s the first time-“ Ryan cuts himself off to choke back tears that wish to reappear, “tonight it was Gabe himself blaming me for his death.”
“Ryan, I’m so sorry,” Alex tightens the arm around Ryan’s shoulders, “I had no idea that you’ve been having dreams like this! You must hide the emotion really well the next morning.”
Ryan amusedly exhales, “you learn to choke down your emotion when your girlfriend can feel them. But I guess back to the dream… it all played out as it usually does, and you know how it happened. But when it was all said and done, Gabe’s… spirit, I assume, appeared in front of me. It was yelling and screaming at me, demanding to know why I didn’t help him, asking why I let him die…” Ryan loses his silent fight and the tears come back, “and all I can do is stand there in silence and stare through him be- because I have no explanation for him.” Ryan can still see the face of dream Gabe, pure anger and malice as he yelled at Ryan for letting him die. He cannot remember if Alex, or even Ethan, was there when Gabe came to him, but part of him hopes that neither were around to witness that; not even the dream manifestations of them deserve to see something like that.
“He was blaming you?” Even Alex sounds surprised at this scenario, “Ryan, I hope you know that you don’t always have to believe what you see in your dreams. I know I’ve told you this countless times-“
“Gabe would forgive me because I saved you,” Ryan echoes the words that he knows Alex is about to say, “I know, I know. And I tell myself this so much, but some nights after these dreams when I tell myself this, it’s as though I can’t convince myself. And sometimes… I don’t even know, Alex,” Ryan shakes his head and then quietly adds, “I wish Gabe was still alive.”
“I do too. I have my own silent thoughts about that night,” Alex brings one of her hands up to sweep some hair out of her face, “mostly about how I had been tied to Gabe when he fell. I know that I would’ve fallen too if you hadn’t been there, but I feel like I should have fallen with him too-“
“Alexandra,” Ryan abruptly sits up to turn around and face her, “never say anything like that again! I already struggle to forgive myself for letting Gabe fall to his death, I don’t even want to think about the scenario where I lost both of you!” Ryan intensely stares at Alex for a while, mad and appalled that such a thought would ever cross her mind. On the other hand, Alex looks very taken aback by the sudden sharp tone from Ryan, who cannot remember the last time that he was this upset.
“I’m sorry, Ryan. Now isn’t the time to address something like that about myself.”
“Hey, no. You’re letting me talk about my feelings, it’s only fair that I let you do the same.” Ryan fully sits up and grabs one of Alex’s hands to kiss the back of it, “it should be me apologizing for snapping at you like that.”
“Ryan, you just woke up from a fucked dream; it’s understandable that you’re on edge.”
“Alex…” Ryan starts to retaliate, but instead fades off into a smile, “it’s just like you to be more concerned about someone else’s feelings over your own. But listen to me… you and Gabe both are the best things to ever happen to me. Gabe quickly became my best friend when he showed up in Haven Springs a few years back, I couldn’t tell you anyone else I ever felt so close to- aside from you, I mean. And of course you also quickly came to mean a lot to me when you showed up here; my grieving process with Gabe would be much worse without you here.” Alex smiles back at Ryan before leaning close to kiss him on the cheek, a gesture that only makes Ryan’s smile grow wider.
“I can’t even imagine how I would have coped without you and Steph to be here with me-“
“Oh shit, I forgot to mention her too!”
“It’s alright,” Alex pats him on the knee, “but anyway, I’m glad that I’ve had you here too. While it’s true that I was only able to have Gabe back for one day before losing him again, through hearing the town’s stories about him… it almost feels like I never missed out on those eight years. And… you especially have helped with that; Gabe thought so highly of you.”
“I know he did. I thought the same of him,” the same dull depression starts to slowly sink over Ryan again, but he makes himself get distracted from it, “I love you. I know I say it… probably too much, but I love you, Alex.”
“I love you too,” Alex flashes a small smile at Ryan, “this might sound weird, but… I never meant to love you as much as I do. When I moved here my only focus was on finally getting a start in my adult life, a relationship was nowhere on my mind. I think I immediately felt attracted to you when we first met in Steph’s record store but it took me a long time to recognize it.”
“Glad I’m not the only one who’s romantically oblivious,” Alex and Ryan both laugh and then silence falls over them, Alex moving over to sit against Ryan. The more Ryan thinks about it, the more he feels as though he can conclude that being with Alex is the happiest he’s ever been. Sure, he saw some rough spots along the way, but at the very least he had a light at the end of the tunnel for him. Ryan may have already lost two separate people that meant a lot to him, but he plans to never lose Alex.
“We should go to bed,” Alex stands up and takes her over shirt off, “the bar was busy as fuck tonight and I’ve been waiting to crash in bed.”
“I’m… sorry my crying kept you from crashing…?”
“Don’t mention it,” Alex laughs at Ryan, “just come back to bed with me.”
“Sounds like a great plan, actually.” Ryan stands up and stretches, following Alex back over to their bed and throwing himself down onto the mattress. When Alex joins him in laying down, as she slings an arm over his abdomen and places her head on his chest, Ryan can already tell that the rest of this night is going to remain nightmare free for him, waiting until he can feel Alex’s breathing even out before then allowing himself to drift back to sleep.