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Qrow’s eyes dropped, settling on his shoes while his toes dug at the ground. The sun warmed the pale skin of his legs where he was leaning against the column and he smiled slightly, enjoying the sensation. He could feel his skin pricking in the heat of the rays and wished it was enough to block out the way his heart skipped a beat when the not quite familiar laugh carried across the courtyard to his ears. Qrow fought himself, struggled to keep his eyes tethered to his shoes, to the idle way he was slowly creating a hole, but he lost the battle, will shattering when a far more familiar but infinitely more rare laugh joined.
Raven was smiling in a way he hadn’t seen in a very long time, leaning into Tai’s space while the brawler reclined on the bench. Pale red cut away, darting back down to his feet but it only reminded him of the fact that he was still in the skirt. He’d been told by many kind, well-meaning classmates that he didn’t need to keep wearing it but at this point it was as much because he actually enjoyed wearing it as it was because of Tai.
When he’d first realized that Tai had tricked him into wearing the wrong uniform he’d hoped that maybe it meant something. He’d dared to hope, just a little bit, that someone might be interested in him on his own instead of in Raven or what he meant to her. He really should have known better by now.
Of course Tai had only been trying to get Raven’s attention.
She had told Qrow of course, but there’d still been that tiny part of him that had thought maybe she could be wrong. He couldn’t understand the reasoning behind putting him in a skirt to get Raven’s attention but then he didn’t understand people as well as she did. He should have listened to her about it, it might have made the heartbreak a little less if he had. It was too late now though and he could feel the cracks forming in his foolish heart, dripping blood into his chest where no one but him would ever know the truth.
It was going to be a long four years trapped in the same dorm room as the two of them.
~*~
Qrow ducked his head, shivering at the hot feel of Tai’s breath ghosting over his neck. The brawler’s weight was heavy against his side, making walking much harder than it had to be. He couldn’t remember how much they had to drink after the graduation ceremony but he knew he’d had more than Tai so it was a little amusing to him that the blond was so much more unsteady. His own drunken thoughts couldn’t focus on that though, too caught up in the heat Tai’s body was generating, the way he kept leaning more and more into Qrow’s hold until eventually the lithe man tipped over. Tai laughed as they landed, his bulk pressing Qrow into the ground as he buried his face in the long neck. Qrow could feel his face warming, hyper focused on every point of contact between them.
It wasn’t fair but things in Qrow’s life never were.
He swallowed down a whine when he felt Tai’s lips trace the line of his neck, clenching his eyes shut as he tried to remember if he and Raven were off or on at the moment. The two switched back and forth so often it was hard to keep track of but he reminded himself it didn’t matter anyways. Even if they were off, they would get back together again soon. They never stayed apart for long and he never wanted to hurt his twin by letting Tai’s drunk actions get between them. It was easier said than done however, as Tai had always been tactile in his affections. Almost clingy at times which was something Raven had complained about, though Qrow couldn’t understand why it was such a problem.
He’d always been endeared by the brawler’s tendency to completely envelope him in a hug after a close call. It made him feel cared for and safe. Which was what made squirming out of the other’s hold so difficult. He liked the way Tai clung to him, holding on like he was a treasure the brawler never wanted to lose. There was a part of him that didn’t want Tai to let go of him, but he knew he had to get free. Tai wouldn’t want him, not when he had Raven, and it wasn’t fair to take advantage of his intoxication to get what he wanted out of the brawler. It wouldn’t be real anyways, just a drunken mistake that would become a regret between them. It was better for all of them if he got Tai up and to bed to sleep it off, even as his heart cracked a little more under the weight pinning him to the ground.
That task was proving a little more difficult than expected though, with Tai refusing to let go and mumbling things he couldn’t quite make out though he heard his name a few times. The sound of footsteps and a familiar giggle meant that Summer at least was nearby, probably with Raven, and while he hated having to call for help, it would be easier to get Tai to bed with someone else there. Summer was as amused by his predicament as expected, friendly barbs flowing freely while she helped pry Tai from off of him so he could stand. Raven’s scowl, while not unexpected, was a lot more intense than he had thought it would be and long after he was alone in his room, the bright red eyes burning into him was locked into his memory, keeping him awake. The shadows of hate and resentment in her glare were surely imagined, his own guilt manifesting in her eyes, because there was no way she’d think he’d actually try anything with Tai.
After all, she was the one that had told him Tai wasn’t interested in him. That he wanted her and not him. There was no reason for her to be so angry about the stumble. It was all in his own mind.
~*~
The empty space she left behind hurt, even with a daughter left behind to fill the void. He didn’t understand why she wanted to go back. The tribe might have raised them but their treatment of him had hardly been what he’d call family. Tai and Summer had done so much better a job of being family to him, to them, than the tribe had in all the years before it. They had treated her well enough, of course, because her semblance was useful but they were siblings, twins, and they’d always stuck together. He had thought she’d take the chance to get away from the cruel and ruthless life as much as he wanted to. That she would want an actual, proper family as much as he did, especially with the way she had stayed with Tai over the years even if they did have their rough times.
Apparently he’d been wrong and she’d left him behind as easily as she’d left the daughter she’d born when he refused to go back.
There was still a part of him that hoped she’d change her mind and come back, but he knew how foolish it was. Knowing something was foolish to hope for had never stopped him in the past, however, and he knew it wouldn’t stop him this time either. It hurt too much to think that there was no chance of her ever returning to them. He could see the hopelessness in Tai when he walked around the house, little Yang cradled in his arms while he went about his daily life as best he could with the new burdens he carried on his shoulders.
Qrow took what weight he could off of his friend, carried what he was allowed to carry, and remembered everytime Tai held onto him like he never wanted to let go that it wasn’t him that Tai wanted to hold onto. Reminded himself that Raven’s gone and Yang is all that’s left behind, except not really because he’s still there, but it wasn’t what Tai wanted and that hurt despite all the years he’d spent trying to accept it. That constant ache from his heart didn’t stop him from reaching back when Tai reached for him, trying to assure the brawler that he was still there with him. It didn’t stop him from letting Tai hold onto him as long as he wanted, trying to convince Tai that he wasn’t going to leave.
It didn’t stop him from missing being held by his friend when it started happening less often. When Summer came back from her long distance mission and realized what had happened in her absence. It didn’t make it hurt any less to watch Summer step in to fill all the spaces he’d been trying to fill, picking up what weight he had been carrying to help out. It didn’t stop his heart from cracking a little more when Tai started holding Summer instead of him, until it felt like he could taste the blood from it in the back of his throat.
Tai was happy though. That was what mattered to him. So he started taking the long distance missions to allow Summer the chance to stay close, ignored how tightly Tai clung to him before and after the missions because he knew it wasn’t going to be what he wanted it to be. Told himself Tai held him more tightly than he held Summer because Tai was afraid Qrow would join Raven back at the tribe instead of coming home to remind himself that Tai hadn’t ever wanted him. Summer and Raven were similar in a lot of ways. He should have realized that Summer would be the one to succeed where he’d failed in making the family whole again. He let her hold them together, came home when missions allowed, and they made it work. And it worked well, he told himself.
It worked until it didn’t anymore. It worked until she wasn’t there to make it work anymore.
~*~
All Tai has is a memory and a child that looks so painfully like the love he lost and Qrow was once again trying to fill a void he was never meant to fill. Trying to carry the weight of a responsibility that was never his to make things easier on Tai. It hurts, to see both the girls and remember the ones not with them anymore. Raven might be gone but Summer is gone and there’s a difference there that he didn’t think either of them could ever properly put into words. It didn’t matter though. The effect was the same and Tai was struggling under the weight of both losses, hardly able to get out of bed on some days.
Qrow did what he could, helping around the house, taking missions close to home. He learned how to cook actual meals without burning the kitchen down that tasted pretty good, though he didn’t think they tasted as good as what Tai could make… or what Summer used to make. Still it was better than tasting like charcoal and definitely better than making the same exact thing every time. He ended up taking a part-time job at Signal to help Tai out with his work, helping grade papers late into the night, sitting pressed side to side on the couch.
Tai still reached out to him, still held on as long as Qrow would allow him to but Qrow couldn’t bring himself to reach back anymore. Not when he knew how fleeting it could be. He couldn’t hold on to Tai knowing that he would have to let him go again. It was selfish maybe, but what little of his heart that was left was on the verge of shattering and he couldn’t keep reaching for something he couldn’t have. He couldn’t bring himself to keep holding onto something that was never going to be his. That didn’t mean he was going to stop Tai from reaching though. It didn’t mean he wouldn’t offer what comfort and reassurance he could to his friend.
It didn’t mean pieces of his heart didn’t chip off to float away in the blood that had long since filled his chest, lost to him for as long as he kept loving the man who never loved him. As lost to him as Summer was to Tai and that thought always made him wince when the brawler wasn’t around to see.
The day would come when someone else came to fill the void, when Tai would find a proper mother to live in the house and be in the girls’ lives. He just wasn’t sure he wanted to be around to see it again. He didn’t have a choice though, not if he wanted to make sure Tai didn’t lose another teammate, so he’d have to find a way to live, to survive. Figure out how to manage with the blade poised to cut out the last fragments of his heart when Tai finally fell in love again. He just wasn’t sure how he would do that yet.
~*~
Qrow closed his eyes, looking down at the resignation letter he’d written for Signal. He’s just a replacement for what’s been long gone and he knows he’ll never be enough to fill the empty place left behind. Things have gotten better in the last few years. The girls are doing fine, both bright and happy with their lives, learning the weapons they wanted to weild and ready to take on the world despite their young age. Tai’s learning to cope, he’d finally started getting counseling and was moving on with his life, was finally reconnecting with the friends he had and was smiling when he was flirted with again. Qrow swallowed back the blood whenever one of the many female friends of Tai’s stopped by “just to see how he was doing” because he could see what was happening and it was only a matter of time.
Life is getting better for the family and Qrow knows he’s not needed anymore.
It hurts, enough that he thinks the tattered remains of his heart may have finally shattered, but he smiles through it. He promises to return home when he can, to do his best not to miss any important events in the girls’ lives and Tai accepts it. It almost hurts more to be let go than it would have if Tai had tried to argue him into staying because Tai had always held on. But he’d always held on until the other person pulled away and Qrow knew he was pulling away. It wasn’t fair to be upset at Tai for being who he’d always been but there was still a part of him that was. Still part of him that wanted Tai to grab him and refuse to let go. Part of him deep down wanted Tai to fight him, to make him stay, and he knew it was wrong because that wasn’t who Tai was.
It was the part of him that drifted in the lost pieces in his chest, the blood that filled his chest and throat until it flowed out of his eyes in tears he only let fall when he was alone at night. It was the part of him that kept him coming back to Patch as soon as he was able no matter how injured or drunk he was. And Tai was always there reaching for him when he got back, though Qrow had long since learned to ignore the disapproving frown he was given when he was drunk. He needed a way to numb the pain in his chest, to forget the nightmares that haunted his nights, and Tai wasn’t there to do it. Alcohol was the one thing he found that could do both that he could keep with him all the time, though he did limit it when at home. He could give Tai that much at least.
He could give Tai that much until he wasn’t around to give anything anymore.
~*~
Tai never thought he’d see Qrow again, was certain that Qrow would leave on his last mission after the girls returned safely home and never come back but he did. He came back, battered and bloody from whatever his last task had been and Tai is so relieved and grateful that for a moment all he can do is stare. Tai is so beyond words, so overwhelmed with feelings he can’t articulate, that all he can do is grab Qrow with both hands and pull him to him, hold onto him and never let go. He can feel Qrow melt against him, so much like how he still did back when they were younger, before he started pulling away from Tai and he can feel tears filling his eyes at the memories. He didn’t know how much of the trembling was from the joy of seeing Qrow again, how much was from the memories, and how much was from the knowledge that he’d have to let go. That he couldn’t keep Qrow.
He hadn’t been able to keep any of them in the end.
He’d thought, back in the beginning when they were just learning each other, that Raven’s (not so gentle) mocking of his prank on Qrow had been a warning. The true warning came later when she’d cornered him to tell him bluntly that he’d chase Qrow off if he tried anything. It hadn’t occurred to him to question her about it. After all, she’d know her twin better than he did. He hadn’t noticed that she’d stand between them anytime they were all in the same room together, hadn’t realized it until he’d been going over old SRTQ pictures to discover that detail. It should have stood out to him that most of their fights had somehow, someway always circled back to Qrow. At the time he’d assumed that being twins from a nomadic tribe meant that they were used to being forced to share. He’d gone out of his way to reassure her when he could, thinking that was the whole problem. It hadn’t been enough. She’d still vanished on them in the end and he’d been left with a daughter and questions of what he’d done wrong, of why hadn’t they been enough.
Qrow had been his anchor, had kept him on track and stopped him from falling too far into the endless questions that wouldn’t do any of them any good. He’d taken on so much of what Raven should have been doing that for a brief while, Tai had wondered if Raven had really known her brother as well as Tai had thought she did. Then Summer was back and slowly started taking over chores while Qrow faded back into the background and Tai had let him because that was where Qrow seemed to prefer being. But still, he’d still wondered. It was terrifying though to let Qrow out of his sight, knowing that he might not return, either because of a mission gone wrong or because he finally missed his sister enough to join her.
It wasn’t Qrow that didn’t come back though.
Qrow became his stability after Summer’s death, his sanity, his life, and the subtle changes that he’d noticed over the years came into stark relief. Qrow never fought to get away from him when he held on, but he didn’t hold back anymore. The terror was so much stronger when Qrow took up missions again. He still let Tai hold onto him but he didn’t seek Tai out when things got rough like he used to, finding his peace in the flask he never seemed to be without. All the questions of why he wasn’t enough were back on his tongue but more insistent now, with Qrow still coming around. It was harder, so much harder, to keep them silent. But he did.
Qrow didn’t owe him anything after all, and he had never had the right to lay any kind of claim on the lithe male.
So he held on as long as he was allowed to, waiting anxiously for when Qrow would pull away and he’d be forced to let go again. It didn’t happen. Time dragged on between them, both of them holding on to each other and still, Qrow didn’t pull away. Tai took a shuddering breath when he realized Qrow was leaning into him, trusting the brawler to keep him from falling as exhaustion started to take hold of his body. Tai wasn’t sure if it spoke more to Qrow’s level of exhaustion or his level of trust that he was all but passing out in his arms but either way, Tai shifted his hold, bending to scoop long legs up so he could carry the other inside the house. Qrow went completely lax in his hold, finally falling into whatever slumber he could get as he was carried inside.
It was careful work to bathe Qrow while he was passed out, to carefully tend his many injuries. It was as he settled Qrow down into bed to sleep properly that his heart stuttered. Red eyes cracked open blearily as he started to pull away, one hand clumsily reaching out to grip the collar of his shirt. The weak tug would have been easy to resist, the flimsy hold easy to break, if Tai had wanted. Tai didn’t want to. Instead he went with the motion, falling into the bed next to Qrow. There was a faint pleased noise from the barely conscious man as he scooted closer to settle against Tai’s side, head on his chest.
He closed his eyes, arm curling around the slender waist as he breathed the other in. He drifted off, knowing that Qrow was safe in his arms and that for the first time in over a decade, Qrow had reached for him.