Work Text:
Everything.
She's going to tell her everything.
Yaz tries to bury her frustration with Dan for interrupting them. They have time. They will have many, many moments to come. She feels the TARDIS move once, twice, three times while she tries to be kind and patient with Dan, showing him where everything is. She loves Dan, of course, but she's been missing the Doctor for so long and she's so close—
When Yaz finally makes her way back to the console room, she half expects the Doctor to be gone, off exploring wherever they've landed, but instead she sees her sitting in the doorway, legs dangling, leaning against the side. Outside the TARDIS is a purple nebula.
"Hi," Yaz says, as she sits beside her. She does a double-take when she sees how sad the Doctor looks. "You okay?" she asks.
"This is my third favorite nebula," says the Doctor. "I love it, but..."
It takes a moment for her meaning to sink in. "Your first two were...?"
"Destroyed by the flux."
"I'm so sorry," says Yaz.
The Doctor nods sadly and there’s a moment of silence.
“Tell me about them?” Yaz asks. “Then they can live in my memory, too.”
The Doctor looks up at her. “I could show you, if you like,” she says. “In my mind. But,” she hesitates, “they might be tied up with some emotions.”
“Bad emotions?”
“Not necessarily.”
Yaz waits for the Doctor to elaborate, but she doesn’t. “Okay,” says Yaz. “Go for it.”
Very gently, and without breaking eye contact, the Doctor touches her fingers to Yaz’s temple. Then her eyes close, and Yaz feels her eyes closing as well. She sees first one nebula, then the other, and then the first one again, then the second one again—but each time, there’s someone different with the Doctor. And she feels so much love for these people, but also sadness.
“It’s bittersweet,” Yaz murmurs.
The Doctor retracts her hand, and they both open their eyes. “Yeah.”
“It’s not just the nebulae for you,” Yaz realizes.
The Doctor nods, looking out at the one in front of them. “I like to take my friends to see my favorites, and then I go back and… remember them.”
"Do you think about them a lot?" asks Yaz.
"Yeah, I..." the Doctor takes a deep breath. "Sometimes I think I don't think about them enough, that I'm not remembering them as much as they deserve, but sometimes it just—I feel like I'm—I think about them all the time."
“Can you…” Yaz pauses. She has a feeling the answer is no, and she doesn’t know if asking the question will make it hurt more.
The Doctor glances over at her.
Yaz tries again. “Can you ever go back, to see them?”
The Doctor looks away. “There’s going to be new nebulae to find,” she says.
Yaz lets silence fall over them.
Finally, the Doctor speaks again. “I do go to see them, sometimes. When I’m dying. A sort of farewell tour, before I become someone new.”
Yaz looks at her sharply. “Promise me you won’t do that for me. That we’ll stay friends even if you regenerate.”
“Of course we will,” says the Doctor. But then, like an afterthought, “If you’re still alive.”
Yaz doesn’t know what to say. She wants to promise she will be alive when the Doctor regenerates next, but that would mean the Doctor—her current Doctor—would die before she would. And she can’t hope for that. And she can’t promise to be here forever.
“I’ll be with you,” says Yaz, “for as long as I can.”
The Doctor smiles, still looking away. “Me too.”
“What about the nebulae?” asks Yaz. “Can you go back to before the flux to see them?”
“I don’t know,” says the Doctor. “Time is fragile right now, and I’ve broken the universe before. It’s not something I want to repeat.”
Yaz kicks her feet out into space as they lapse into silence again. She wants to know everything, but she doesn’t want to push the Doctor right now. Not while she looks so small and exhausted and sad.
“I’m sorry,” the Doctor suddenly breaks the silence. “For the three years.”
Yaz stills. “It’s okay.”
The Doctor shakes her head. “Three years gone in the blink of an eye for me. I’ve lost so much time with you. Your life is—”
“Doctor,” Yaz interrupts, creeping her hand closer between them to touch her fingertips to the Doctor’s. “I have so many years left.”
“You can’t know that.”
“Well, you certainly can’t know that it’s not true either.” Yaz feels a sense of foreboding for a moment, then the Doctor retracts her hand and the feeling vanishes. “I don’t care what kind of track record you have,” she adds.
“You should, Yaz. I’m dangerous. Being around me is dangerous.” The Doctor continues to address the nebula instead of looking at Yaz.
“Look at me,” says Yaz. She waits a full fifteen seconds before the Doctor turns to look at her. “I’m with you,” says Yaz. “I want to be with you. In your life. As your friend. This is what I’m choosing. My choice. And whatever happens, you are forgiven. Always and completely forgiven.”
Unexpectedly, the Doctor starts crying. Actually crying, with tears and snot and body-shaking sobs. Yaz doesn’t know what to do. She reaches out to pat the Doctor on the back or something, but falters at the last moment.
“I’m sorry,” the Doctor chokes out.
“What are you sorry for?” Yaz asks, but the Doctor just shakes her head.
A few shuddering sobs later, “Can you talk about something else?”
“Um,” Yaz tries to think of anything else she’s been thinking about recently. “I’m looking forward to having showers again.” She glances over at the Doctor quickly—was she supposed to avoid referencing the three years? But the Doctor isn’t crying quite as hard now, so she decides to continue. “Also toasters? Really missed those. And texting. Texting people in the next room instead of having to get up.” That gets a very sad-sounding chuckle out of the Doctor. “And books! I missed having a good science fic—”
“I said that to River,” the Doctor says suddenly. “Sorry, I just—I wanted to tell you why.”
“Oh.” Yaz tries to play back in her head what she’d said right before the Doctor started crying. Should she ask who River is? Or if she waits, will the Doctor tell her?
“You can keep going,” says the Doctor. “You were on books.”
Yaz smiles. “Also painkillers,” she says. “I missed those.” Eventually, the Doctor is going to tell her everything. But for now, these little bits and pieces will be enough. And Yaz will be there when she’s ready.