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Who on earth has a crush on someone who wishes them dead?
Well, I do. Jude is standing in front of me, saying something in her usual angry voices. Not to mention those mortal curses that just seem so natural coming out of her. And- am I suppose to find that hot? I shake my head before returning my focus to my seneschal who's also de facto ruler of the kingdom. Jude's walnut eyes are on fire as she stares at me.
Oh, shit. What did I do this time?
"What?" I say, resisting the urge to smile.
"Well. Locke as the Master of Revels? You know he's going to cause a lot of trouble" Jude rolls her eyes, throwing herself to the empty chair that was once belonged to Dain.
"And...?" I ask, trying my best to conceal any emotions on display.
And... of course I know it would be trouble. Locke loves drama, Locke loves trouble, Locke loves chaos. Jude's face turns another shade of red - possibly because of anger. But... that doesn't stop that stupid little tail of mine from wiggling inside my trousers. I bite the insides of my cheeks, feeling helpless at the sight of her flushed cheeks.
Is it normal for someone to blush when they are angry? Jude meets my eyes and the moment our gazes locked together, her eyes widened and her cheeks turn into another color of red - like she's embarrassed with me. Her eyes move and I follow the movement and realizes that she's looking at my tail. My stupid, stubborn, wiggling little tail!
"I... I'm going to get some water" she rushes out from the room, leaving me with the other Court of Shadows' spies.
The Ghost raises an eyebrow at me. Wonderful. I need to put something to make my tail stop moving. I roll my eyes and kick my chair away, leaving the secret room. Ah yes, just another of my darling seneschal being furious at me and storming out of our meetings without saying anything.
Normal day, Cardan. Normal day.
It's midnight and I'm alone in my chambers.
I put on a black robe and walk until I reach the open balcony of my bedchamber. The moon shines brightly tonight, the end of its crescent shape reminds me of the sharpness of Jude's dagger pressed to my throat. The feel of her lips against mine, the moment our eyes locked, both mingling with desire for power and lust. And, the taste of her kiss.
I shake my head. No, Cardan. She hates you.
I let out a breathy laugh as I look up to the sky. What was I thinking? She abhors me. I have spent literally my entire life taunting and making her life a complete mess. It is laughable if she will ever like me back. It is impossible. How can such hatred melt into an adoration for her?
I will not lie. I did hate Jude, but ever since the Summer Tournament, something deep inside me emerged out and I remembered spending the whole night thinking of her defiance. I spent the entire night thinking of such bravery. Even now, she is still defying me.
The dress for coronation? I didn't know what I was thinking, but when I saw her in that dress during the coronation, something tugged at the bottom part of my heart. I have been trying to dose myself with wine to get rid of images of her, afraid of my desire and hatred. I wasn't even sure if I hated her that time.
I felt like she was mine when I saw her in that dress. And then, when she kissed me in Dain's office, I swear something snapped inside of me. If it weren't for that damned ropes tying me to the chair, I would have pulled her and pressed her to me so I can feel all of her. It is disgusting and I can't stop thinking about her at all.
I pull out the golden goblet and pour a glass of wine to rid Jude from my thoughts. This is probably better than thinking about her being mine. I drink the first glass and later settle with drinking the whole bottle as I toss myself on the long couch. I try to drink everything but the images of Jude are just getting better in my head.
In my imagination, she is smiling so brightly. I rarely see her smile in class, besides, why would she laugh when her bullies are literally around her? But, in this image, she is glowing. The ruby ring on her left hand is glinting under the moonlight. And, there is me beside her. Smiling.
We are smiling at each other as if we are lovers. I can see my tail wriggling, completely free of my control. Jude and I are holding hands and I spot a crown on top of her head. Identical like mine. We're sitting on the grounds behind the palace. She's wearing an extravagant gown that goes well with her little ruby ring.
Our eyes locked and our bodies moved closer. I kiss her, she kisses me. Like a story of two people falling in love under the moonlight. Like the stories I've read back in Hollow Hall when I was a little princeling. What could this possibly mean? Why does this imagination feel more vivid than any Jude's memories I have?
"I love you, Jude. My wife, the High Queen of Elfhame"
Wait. Stop, stop right there.
I throw the wine bottle away until it collides with the wall, pieces shattering on the floor. I sit abruptly and my fingers dive into my hair, and I mutter curses under my breath. That certainly doesn't seem like any drunken imagination. Am I not drunk enough? Of course I am not. I wouldn't be asking myself about my drunkenness if I were drunk.
I stand up and slip into the wall that leads to Court of Shadows' meeting room. As soon as I enter the room, I find the Ghost sleeping on the floor with his arm as his pillow. The Roach and the Bomb sleep next to each other with their fingers laced together. I tilt my head and find Jude sleeping too.
She's still sitting on the chair behind the desk. Instead of sleeping with her head on the desk, she curls into that damned chair with her head above her knees. I look around cautiously as I approach her, pushing away the hair that fall down to cover her face. I sit on the desk, watching the way she peacefully and softly breathes as she sleeps.
What have you done to me, Jude Duarte?
I couldn't help the twitch of my mouth as I slowly smile while watching her. I ignore the way my tail wriggles excitedly and focus on Jude instead. Really, what has she done to me? I have never fell this hard for someone, not even Nicasia. I sigh and without thinking of the consequences of my own action, I lift Jude into my arms. She really shouldn't be sleeping like that.
I look around and find an empty couch. Heat rushes over my cheeks as I put Jude slowly on the couch. This is the couch that I slept on that time when Jude held me captive after the coronation. I remove my outer robe and fold it nicely, placing it under Jude's head as a pillow.
"I really hate you" Jude murmurs in sleepy voice. I smile.
I sink to the ground as I watch her calm face. It really is rare to see her this way. She's usually frowning or scowling, mostly annoyed and angered with everything that comes out from my mouth. Of course, she ends up agreeing with me considering how clever I am and how brilliant my words really are.
"I love you, Jude. My wife, the High Queen of Elfhame"
What was that? Why would I even think of Jude being my wife? Moreover, the High Queen? It really is rare for the ruler to have a companion who rules by their side. If a High King marries someone, they will usually end up as consorts. As for High Queens, their companion will be prince consort.
Although, it doesn't seem bad to imagine Jude ruling beside me. Maybe after a year and a day, I can claim my throne and make Jude my queen so she can rule by my side. Well, of course everything will be entirely political between us. She wouldn't love me back, but it will be fine. Calling her my wife feels like a surreal blessing I can dream of having.
I look at her, gently patting her hair. "Jude, what would you say of becoming my wife and the High Queen?"
I don't know what happens next, because as far as I can remember, I fall asleep while holding Jude's hand.
"Sire?" I blink my eyes and open them slowly, gritting my teeth as I feel blinding lights hitting me. Is it morning already? As I gain my vision, I blink and find Jude staring at me with a confused look on her face. Perhaps, anger too. I sit on the floor abruptly, feeling my back aching.
What a wise decision to fall asleep on the floor, High King Cardan.
I stand up and avoid her eyes, suddenly feeling ashamed and fear of her discovering I was sleeping beside her the entire night. I mean, well obviously I slept on the floor, but it is still beside her. But, maybe that's not what she thought. I sit on the desk and look down to the floor beneath me.
The spies aren't here. Wonderful, I'm going to kick them for leaving me alone here with Jude. Jude steps forward and watches me with guarded expression. I fix the collar of my white dress shirt and turn to look at her. As soon as our eyes meet, Jude's eyes widened and she looks away from me.
I sigh. She really hates me.
"Why are you here? You were in your chambers, weren't you not? I remember seeing Ghost sending you back to your room. How come you slept here? And on top of that, did you move me to the couch? I remembered sleeping on the chair last night"
Oh, she's a clever one, isn't she? I dive my fingers through my hair and step closer towards her. This might be the only time I can really act like this. A year and a day. After that, I can try to ask her for marriage. Then, we will both be equal in power. Jude's breath hitches as I tower over her.
"I can't sleep. And, I thought to just walk around" I mean, when I entered this room last night, I really was just walking around to rid of my boredom. I sigh and watch Jude, slipping my fingers with hers. She jerks back, but I hold her close. Her cheeks turn red at our proximity.
"You were sleeping on the chair and I moved you to the couch" why am I doing this to myself? Please let me have a mortal tongue for a day just so I could tell her so many lies "Why would you sleep on the chair? It's uncomfortable"
Jude looks at me suspiciously. "You're lying"
"Faeries can't lie, Jude. I can't lie"
She steps away from me and turns her back facing me. I pull her back to me and press ourselves together until our noses touch. She looks at me with an incredulous anger written on her face. I close my eyes, unwilling to witness the pure loathness she has reserved for me.
"I hate you so much, Cardan" she whispers, and I can feel her hatred burning my veins.
"I want to tell you so many lies. So many" I sigh and let her go. I can't say I hate her, I can't say I dislike her, I can't say she's ugly or terrible, I can't deceive her with my faerie tongue. I watch her until she disappears behind the wall to the secret passageway.
I lean against the desk and curse under my breath. "I love you, Jude. I just wish you can stop hating me one day. You don't have to love me back, but it is only enough for you to accept me instead of hating me. Please, Jude"