Chapter Text

July

Andrew was really starting to hate Smart_Alec10.

Alec (if that even was his real name) was about as loud-mouthed and opinionated as it was possible for a Discord user to be. Truthfully, Andrew wouldn’t really mind this - might even find it a source of some entertainment - if it weren’t for the unfortunate fact that so many of his opinions were just objectively wrong.

Oh god. Smart_Alec10 is typing.

Andrew could feel the rage boiling up inside him, threatening to spill over from where it had been softly simmering for some time now.

Normally, he would ignore shit like this. Most of the morons in this online book club weren’t worth the brainpower required to interact with them. Unfortunately, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe happened to be one of Andrew’s favourite books of all time. It was incredibly important to him. So he couldn’t exactly allow slander like this to just exist, even in the ridiculously tiny and niche pocket of the internet in which the Shelf Aware book club existed.

As he hit send on what had accidentally turned into a wall of text, his most substantial contribution to the bookclub to date, Andrew was briefly disgusted with himself. He wasn’t supposed to care about anything. So why had he let this person get under his skin so badly?

As several minutes passed without any movement in the chat, Andrew allowed himself to analyse his thought process a bit more carefully. Bee had been teaching him to be honest within the safe confines of his own mind. A more challenging process than it should have been, perhaps, but it was easier than he thought it would be to concede to himself that he did, actually, care about a few things, these days. There was Aaron, currently on the other side of the country following his medical school dreams. Nicky, of course, who had brought them together and taught them both what family was supposed to look like. Even Erik had wormed his way into a position of importance in Andrew’s life, simply by being part of the home that Nicky had created for them all.

Fine, Andrew reflected. He cared about a few people. That was fine. He could admit that. It didn’t make him weak, though it did make him feel vulnerable, sometimes. He hoped Bee was proud of him.

Why had he started thinking about his family again?

Oh, right. That was why.

Stupid book club.

Stupid Alec.

What kind of shame spiral had Andrew sent him down anyway, for it to have taken him that long to come up with a simple denial?

It was also, Andrew reflected, what made him dangerous. He logged off from Discord before he could get himself in any more trouble.

October

It was spooky month. At least, that’s what Nicky insisted on calling it. Andrew personally couldn’t really bring himself to care about fake blood or jumpscares or bad caricatures of witches.

But Halloween meant Shelf Aware had chosen Frankenstein as the book of the month. Because the monster was meant to be scary, or something. As though justified murder enacted from a motive of righteous vengeance was in any way unexpected or frightening. Andrew couldn’t wait to see just how many wrong opinions the book club members could express before his patience gave out.

And if he was honest with himself, he was particularly looking forward to seeing how outrageously contrary Smart_Alec10 (or whatever he was calling himself this month) would be. The loser had gone a bit radio silence after Andrew’s takedown in July (obviously couldn’t handle a decent dose of truth), but he had resurfaced eventually. By September (theme: murder mystery, book: Murder Most Actual) he was spewing complaints all over the server about the implausibility of the string of deaths and how the gunshot wounds had been inaccurately described.

Okay, so that last part had been kind of interesting.

Okay, it had actually been kind of hot, if Andrew was super honest with himself. Which, he reminded himself for the thousandth time, he was trying to do more of, these days. So, yes, he could admit that he was attracted to the dangerous competence that Alec had displayed in describing the correct way a gunshot wound would bleed.

Anyway, that had been last month. Now Andrew was boiling his kettle, setting up his favourite floral teapot and mug (gifts from Bee three Christmases ago), and cooking up a giant bowl of popcorn. He had a feeling he would need it tonight.

*ding*

Right on cue, the discussion was kicking off.

They were off to a strong start, then. Andrew rolled his eyes so hard he felt momentarily dizzy. Popcorn ready, he quickly sat at his desk and took a few sips of his tea to compose himself. Rolling up his sleeves, he placed his fingers over his keyboard, tapping lightly as he pondered the best way to express his thoughts.

Someone else was running their mouth first.

Andrew sat up straighter. Now this was actually almost interesting. Who was this Stefan person? Andrew clicked on his profile picture, and with the goofy fox photo enlarged, he realised this was just Smart_Alec10’s latest nickname. Huh.

To Andrew, this last sentence had the impact of a mic drop. The other members of Shelf Aware must have felt the same, because no one else spoke for a good few minutes. Andrew just sat there, absentmindedly bringing handfuls of popcorn up to his mouth. This was, without question, the most interesting book analysis anyone had ever made in this stupid book club in all the months that Andrew had been participating. He couldn’t quite believe it had come from Alec. Or Stefan. Whoever he was.

Also, his dick was twitching.

Apparently, thrusting blame onto parental figures for the monstrous actions of their children really got him going. Andrew rolled his eyes again, this time at himself. Putting his leftover popcorn aside, he wiped his oily fingertips on a tissue, rolling it into a ball and throwing it in the bin by his desk when he was done.

It was time to enter the discussion.

This speech was met with a similar beat of silence as had followed Stefan’s unforgiving commentary. Inevitably though, the smart-alec broke it.

There was a notification in his DMs. A new chat thread had been started. Andrew clicked on it, curiosity piqued.

Andrew stared at the words on his screen. What the hell? Every possible interpretation flashed through Andrew’s mind. Was this person homophobic? Coming on to him? Andrew wasn’t sure how to deal with either extreme, though the former seemed unlikely given Stefan’s current screenname. Finally, he settled on a response.

The screen remained blank for a few heartbeats, before Stefun-and-gaymes is typing flashed up, disappeared, flashed up again.

Andrew read those words, understanding somehow that they were a confession, thrust out blindly into the void of the internet. Andrew absorbed the truth behind those words, felt the enormity of the suffering they must conceal. Memories of his own childhood flashed through his mind, the pictures clear and crisp as a film. Andrew had to swallow down a sudden rush of nausea.

It had been too long now since Stefan’s message, and he had to honour the significance of the truth he had been entrusted with. Taking a deep breath, Andrew allowed his fingers to speak the words that his lips had never yet quite managed.

He found himself holding his breath, waiting to see how this would be received. He had to wait a long time, and he was starting to feel a little lightheaded from lack of oxygen when the response finally came through.

Andrew barked out a laugh.

November

They chatted, sometimes, after that. It was… unexpected. Stefan usually initiated the conversation, mostly because Andrew still didn’t trust whatever it was that had prompted him to message Andrew the first time around. Mostly, Stefan would send him quotes from the book of the month, followed by reaction gifs.

Mostly, Andrew found himself laughing at them.

It was weird.

Once, Andrew was walking past a shop front with novelty t-shirts displayed in the window. He couldn’t help himself. Smirking, he snapped a photo of the nearest shirt and sent it to Stefan.

The t-shirt read: “Cut off negative people from your life, they said. How do you cut off your own family, I asked?”

Stefan’s reply was just three laughing-crying emojis, but Andrew felt a part of himself quieten, in a way he hadn’t known he needed.

Of course, his belly flopped around uncomfortably again when Stefan followed up the next day with a photo of his own - outside what looked to be the exact same store window.

There was a pause. Andrew found himself holding his breath.

Halfway through the month, Stefan changed his name again. Andrew wasn’t surprised when he saw the familiar display picture pop up next to a new, awful pun. He did groan, though. It was particularly awful due to its seasonal relevance.

Chris responded with a single, complicated emoji that seemed to signify sassy amusement, no doubt at Andrew’s expense.

Seeing that terrible pun popping up over and over again in his notifications as Shelf Aware got stuck into their November book analysis (theme: gays in space, book: Winter’s Orbit), Andrew was disappointed to learn that it did not improve with exposure. A small part of him died inside every time he read Chris’ name. Doubtless that had been part of the motivation behind Chris choosing the moniker. What an arsehole.

Fortunately, Andrew had other things to distract him this month. The mods at Shelf Aware had decided, for the first time ever, to trial a voice chat discussion for the bulk of the book analysis. Apparently, the dialogue Andrew had participated in around Frankenstein last month had convinced the mods that there was enough member engagement to foster a genuinely stimulating and thought-provoking discussion.

Andrew wasn’t convinced that the logistical nightmare of choosing a timezone-friendly session was worth it, but he supposed it was at least something new to try, which was interesting in its own way.

Making sure his headset was properly connected, his mug of tea was piping hot and his bowl of snacks close to hand, Andrew clicked the button to join the discussion that he could see was already underway in the voice channel.

It was hard to make out the different voices at first, but Andrew zeroed in on the one that must belong to Chris after only a few moments. That painful pun flashing up over and over helped to drill it in, but Andrew found himself forgetting why it had bothered him. He was… a little distracted. Chris, it turned out, had a voice that sounded like pure sex. It was like it had been designed to appeal directly to every voice-related fantasy Andrew had ever had, crisp and weighted with hints of an English accent, and fuck Andrew was definitely in trouble here.

Trying to remind himself why he was here, Andrew attempted to form a half-coherent argument and entered the discussion.

The chat dissolved into indistinguishable laughter, and Andrew couldn’t help but feel a little bit smug.

But he was laughing too, so Andrew congratulated himself on a point well made. And also, possibly, on successfully flirting with the annoying guy with the unbearably sexy voice who apparently lived near enough to shop at the same stores.

Andrew couldn’t believe he could be having this much fun in an online book club. Even the other members, who normally bored him to tears, didn’t seem so bad these days. Huh.

December

“Andrew,” Nicky said. “Who are you bringing to Christmas this year?”

Andrew groaned. At least, the voice inside his head groaned. It was fun to mess with Nicky and continue to keep all his emotions off his face and out of his voice, like he was still the empty shell of a person he had been 10 years ago, when his cousin took him in.

The truth was, these days Andrew was so full of feelings that his little game with himself became a serious test of his iron will. He was grateful to Nicky for all the change he had helped bring about. Truly, he was. He loved his cousin, but some of his trademark behaviours were more difficult to tolerate than others.

Like his obsession with Christmas.

Nicky got intolerable around the holidays, and there was basically no other topic of conversation in the house from December through New Year. He loved everything about this time of year, from the disgusting weather to the horrifying music to the gaudy decorations to the gratuitous ‘family time’. He and Erik had a stupid, corny tradition of always taking December 1st off from work, just to spend the entire day together, transforming their house and yard into a “Winter Wunderland”.

Andrew always had to battle particularly hard with his face to keep it blank when he saw the full display for the first time each year. The whole thing was extravagant and awful - but it was kind of wonderful, too. Andrew was glad Nicky got to have that kind of joy in his life.

“Andrew?”

Christmas dinner, though, was another matter. Andrew was genuinely and dangerously close to homicide if Nicky tried to set him up with yet another blind date for the occasion. Why on earth he couldn’t just come on his own and enjoy time with his family like a normal person, Andrew couldn’t understand.

“Who is Aaron bringing?” he tried, stalling for time.

Nicky gave him a knowing look.

“Shockingly, your brother is bringing the girl he has been dating for the last 10 months. As you know very well. Who are you bringing, Andrew? Or do I have to find you someone to keep you company?”

“No, no,” Andrew reassured him. “I’m bringing my boyfriend.”

Andrew tried to enjoy the way that Nicky’s eyes bugged out of his head, cartoon style. That moment of satisfaction had a lot of work to do, though, to outweigh the feeling of dread building in his gut.

“Oh, HO! Now this is what I’m talking about. Tell him he’s very welcome and I absolutely can’t wait to meet him.”

“Yeppp,” Andrew drawled lazily, popping the ‘p’, before making a swift escape down the hall to his bedroom.

Well, fuck.

What the hell had Andrew gotten himself into?? What kind of person just agreed to spend Christmas at the house of a stranger they met on the internet? Andrew decided to sharpen his old knives ahead of time. Just in case.

December’s theme for Shelf Aware was the obligatory holiday romance. Andrew had been horrified to learn (through the vehicle of the monthly poll to choose the book-of-the-month) that there were actually enough Santa-themed romance novels to warrant the creation of sub-genres. It turned out there were romances featuring the actual, ‘real’ Santa Claus, as well as romances featuring people who get mistaken for Santa, or people who look like Santa, or people who have to step into Santa’s role to ‘save Christmas’. All this as well as your stock standard ‘romance novel set during the holidays’. It was enough to threaten the stability of Andrew’s well-disciplined gag reflex.

It was natural, now, for Andrew to swipe over into his DMs, looking for the most recent chat thread. Today, it was labelled “Kneel4me”. Andrew took a moment to ponder all the intriguing possibilities of that nickname, before clicking into the thread.

Andrew’s stomach flip-flopped somewhere past pleasant into solid gassy territory.

Andrew felt the weight of that name drop directly into the roiling swarm of butterflies currently occupying his navel region. It had a strange calming effect on the rogue beasts.

Andrew was in so much fucking trouble.