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If there’s one thing Taehyung has learned that he’s good at is words. Written words, of course. Saying them out loud still tends to be a challenge for him on his best days and impossible on his worst. But he’s good at writing them down.
A few years ago, Namjoon got him a journal, told him that it’d helped him get out of his head a little, because he understood that, sometimes, talking to people helps, but if you’re unable to open up to them, it’s even more burdensome. So, Taehyung started journaling.
In the beginning, he used to write down what went on during the day. Like those diaries you keep under lock and key when you’re a kid, and even write with invisible ink because somehow your mum seeing that you failed a math test was the worst thing that could happen to you back then.
He looks back at those entries now fondly.
‘Today, I woke up late because I couldn’t fall asleep after talking with the guys for hours and went to the company because we had a meeting. We practiced after and got home. Showered and now I’m here. I hope I fall asleep quicker tonight, but I think Jiminie is coming over to watch a movie, so we’ll see.’
He smiles and keeps skimming through the pages. There are good days and bad ones, but those ones he doesn’t read again. He’d rather not.
And eventually, it changes. Instead of telling a piece of paper about his day, he started writing down his actual thoughts in the moment. He started writing poems, writing songs to the simplest things, like the wind, like the moon and the stars.
‘Why is the moon so far away? It’s not fair that something so pretty is so out of reach. But sometimes I wonder if seeing it up close would be disappointing. Because, you know, maybe the Earth from outside also looks pretty, but up close, sometimes it sucks. Just a bunch of grey buildings and loud noises. Nothing like the blue of the sky and the sea, nothing like the green of all the trees in nature. Expectations are weird. And they’re so burdensome, too.
I think people expect too much from me, sometimes. And maybe it’s my fault, too, because I don’t want to disappoint anyone, but at the same time, there’s not much else I can do.
I pushed back my mixtape again. I know the fans are going to be disappointed but pretend not to just to not upset me, but it just never feels right. There’s always something missing.
I asked the hyungs for help, Jeongguk even sent me some melodies for me to try, but they’re not… they’re not me. And I want this album to be Me so bad. For people to listen to it and think ‘ah, this is what he’s been keeping hidden for so long’. But it’s so hard.
Maybe I should write more songs about the moon, that’s an endless source of inspiration. How bright it shines, how the tides move gracefully along to her, how it’s everchanging and, even on the days that’s the darkest, you still know it’ll be bright again.
Oh, Jimin’s here.
Now that I think about it, he’s not so different from it, either.’
And Taehyung still remembers that day well. Pushing his mixtape back for what felt like the millionth time, how disappointed he’d been, how sad and upset. How he’d locked himself in his room, bottle of wine on his desk as he wrote those words, the moon the only spotlight in his dark room.
Until, suddenly, there was a knock on his door and, after asking who it was, a little chuckle was heard, followed by the familiar ‘it’s me’. Of course, it was.
“One second” Taehyung told him, finishing writing his thoughts and then putting the journal away and heading to open the door.
He knew he looked like absolute garbage, didn’t even shave when they got home because he felt miserable. But he also knew that Jimin had already seen him at his worst, and he was still knocking on his door, so he figured it was alright.
When he opened the door, there he was, as bright as the moon outside, his best friend.
“What’s up?” Taehyung asked, leaning against the wooden frame of the door, pretending to be fine. But whereas Taehyung’s good at writing down his feelings, if there’s one thing Jimin’s good at is reading him. Has perfected the art through the years. Which is precisely why he surged forward and embraced him.
Okay, maybe Jimin’s also really good at hugging. So much that Taehyung almost feels like all his broken pieces are somehow being slotted together by the press of his best friend against him.
“Don’t pretend with me, Taehyung-ah” he said, as if Taehyung ever could. Funnily enough, he still tried every time. So, Taehyung just closed his eyes and hugged him tighter, smelling the familiar scent of his shampoo and aftershave, fresh and sweet at the same time. Reminding him of home. “Let’s go inside, hm?” Jimin said, as if this was his room, but to be fair, they spent most of the time there together anyway, because Jimin still shared a room with Hoseok, and he liked to go to bed at a reasonable hour unlike the two of them.
Taehyung closed the door after Jimin was inside and they walked together towards the bed.
“Why is it so dark in here?” Jimin giggled, reaching to turn one of Taehyung’s lamps on. “Drowning in your own self-pity?”
“Something like that” Taehyung admitted, and Jimin’s expression turned from teasing to soft as he reached for his friend’s hand.
“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, though. You know that, right?” Jimin said, voice as soothing and gentle as always. It made Taehyung want to curl up in a ball and sob his eyes out.
“I’m not ashamed Jimin, I’m just…” and he sighed, because there were no words that could describe his feelings perfectly. Which was exactly his problem most of the time. But Jimin understood. He always did.
“I know” he told him. “But it’s okay that you need more time. What if you posted it now and regretted it later? I think it’s very mature and brave of you to know what you want and how exactly you want it” he said, still smiling like Taehyung hang up every single one of the stars that light up the sky along with the moon in that cold winter night. And Jimin’s eyes were just as bright. “I’m proud of you, baby bear” and that felt like the exact same words Taehyung needed to hear then, right when everything else seemed to be falling apart, Jimin’s words pulled him back together.
So maybe Jimin was good at a lot of things, unlike him. He was good with his words, good at reading people and good at hugging. If comfort was a person, Taehyung is sure it’d also have small hands, the brightest smile in the world and the voice of an angel. And it’d also be his favorite person in the world.
“Thank you” he found his voice to say, and Jimin just shook his head, squeezing his hand tighter.
“No need, that’s why I’m here for, right?” and Taehyung just hugged him, and he hoped that with his actions he could show that no, that’s not the only reason why he was there, and that’s not the only thing that Taehyung needed him for, because truth is, and he’s known this for a while, he’d be utterly lost without Jimin. His best friend, his soulmate, his favorite person in the whole world, that hugs him so warm when he’s cold, that helps him numb the pain whenever it all feels like too much. His penicillium.
“I love you” he told him then, and Jimin said it back.
“Wanna come outside and help me with the Christmas tree? Everyone else bailed on me, and I didn’t want to bother you, but I feel like you could use the distraction” Jimin told him, and Taehyung agreed, even though it was the middle of the night, and they probably should go to bed because they had an early schedule the next morning, but neither of them cared. In fact, they even played Michael Bublé’s Christmas album in Taehyung’s record player just to annoy the rest of the members that were choosing sleep over tradition.
Of course, Jimin let Taehyung put up the star on the tree. Of course, Taehyung ended up with Jimin on his shoulders, having him put it. Of course, they were both slightly drunk by the end of it and ended up falling asleep on each other’s arms on the couch, while the Christmas lights lit up the room like an afterparty.
Taehyung is very fond of that memory. So much, in fact, that reading over the same entry, he decides to write something down in invisible ink, only for him to know and no one else to see.
‘First day ‘I love you’ meant something different’
And from that moment onwards, all he wrote was about Jimin. Every song, every verse, every line. Of course, Taehyung developed a series of codes so that people wouldn’t notice so bluntly, but it was always him.
From the secret four a.m. meetings, the moon metaphors, the warmth… it’s always been Jimin.
He sees the lyrics for four o’clock in there, the ones he wrote for sweet night and friends, the countless ones he hasn’t released yet. And they’re all about him, Taehyung should be a little bit embarrassed about it, but he’s not. This is how he deals with his unreciprocated feelings for his platonic soulmate and best friend.
It’s been working for the past few years.
It’s been a few days since he saw Jimin last because he went on a trip with his parents for the holidays and still hasn’t returned.
Of course, they text and call every day, and he has a countless number of pictures from his trip saved on his phone, Jimin always sending him both the good ones and the goofy ones. Taehyung loves them both.
He’s staring at one of them now, Jimin smiling so bright, so happy to be with his family, so… himself.
Taehyung loves him so much, and suddenly, the words start spiraling out of him, so he takes the journal that he hasn’t touched in a few months now, because his inspiration seemed to have died down, and starts writing.
And just like that night a few years ago, the moon is the only thing that lights up the room, and his heart dictates the rhythm.
‘Moon in the summer night, whispering of the stars, they’re shining like Christmas trees for us’
He smiles.
It’s rare that he finishes lyrics for something so quickly, usually the second verse gives him trouble, but it’s always easy writing about Jimin. It’s like he never gets tired of naming all the things that he makes him feel. How he’s the only one that seems to know him, how his embrace is the only thing that keeps the cold out, how, whenever he walks into a room, he’s the only thing Taehyung can think about. How his eyes are the prettiest thing Taehyung’s ever seen and how he keeps finding ways of falling in love with him.
It’s as easy as breathing.
There’s a knock in his room and, for a second, his heart skips a beat, thinking maybe Jimin came home already. But then the door opens and Namjoon’s head pops in, and he remembers that he texted him for help.
“Hey, hyung” Taehyung says, suddenly feeling self-conscious because, to him, Namjoon is like Mozart is to any musician ever. Unattainable, kind of. “Thanks for coming”
“Yeah, sure, I just came back from the company” Namjoon smiles walking towards him. “Are you working on something?” and Taehyung nods, so Namjoon nods as well and sits on the edge of his bed. “Want me to check it out?”
“I’m still deciding it” he admits with a small chuckle, and his friend nods, understanding. Giving him time and space. “Alright, but just know that maybe nothing comes out of it, I just—˝
“Needed to let it out?” Namjoon finishes for him, as if he knew from experience, and Taehyung guesses he probably does. So, he nods again. “That’s alright, the best songs come out like that sometimes” and so, when Taehyung hands him the journal, Namjoon takes it. “Do you mind if I turn a light on? I’m blind enough as it is” and Taehyung laughs, nodding and standing up himself to switch the lights on.
He always works best in the darkness, probably because that way his secrets stay hidden.
And it’s nerve-wracking to watch Namjoon as he reads through the words he just scribbled down. It’s even worse when Namjoon looks out with a fond smile on his face and says: “Another one, huh?” Because, of course, he knows.
He was there when they wrote four o’clock. He helped Taehyung through it, and drank with him as he cried, remembering the incident that inspired the song. He knows.
“Yeah” he says. “Is it good, though?” and Namjoon nods, giving him back the journal.
“Will you do something with it or let it pile up in your ‘For Jimin’ folder that will never see the light of day?” and he knows he’s being teased now. He also knows he deserves it.
“What else am I supposed to do?” Taehyung groans, putting the journal back in his drawer.
“I mean, you could tell him” and Taehyung just glares at him. “What? I’ve been telling you to do it for years”
“Yeah, and I haven’t for a reason” Taehyung laughs bitterly. “There’s no point. He literally called our song ‘Friends’, hyung. I’ve been friend-zoned on our album” and Namjoon just sighs.
“You know what, I’m too tired for this” he says, standing up. “I’m just saying, maybe instead of writing a million little reasons you’re falling for his eyes, just tell him” and Taehyung knows that he won’t, which is why he doesn’t say anything as Namjoon heads back out of his room, closing the door after himself.
And Taehyung picks up his laptop after that and starts trying to find a melody that suits it, because maybe he won’t release it ever, but it deserves the best possible treatment, just like his muse.
Taehyung was dreaming of snowy mountains and warm hugs when suddenly, he feels the press of two very familiar hands on him, and it makes him jump because he’s not supposed to be here yet.
“J’min?” he asks, voice slurred with sleep and is greeted by his favorite sound in the whole world, Jimin’s giggle.
“Surprise!” he sings. And even in the darkness, he can see him clearly. Years of sneaking into each other’s rooms after dark to talk helped him memorize it, and nights alone recalling every one of his features also shaped him.
“What are you doing here? Weren’t you coming back after the New Year?” he asks, turning around to face him, and his scent is so familiar it makes Taehyung want to bury his nose in him and breathe him in until he’s all he knows.
“That’s what I told you” he says. “But did you really think I’d spend your birthday anywhere else but right beside you? It offends me” he says, holding Taehyung’s cheeks and pressing, and for a second, Taehyung thinks he’s going to kiss him, but of course, it’s a silly thought. “Happy birthday, my love” and maybe it’s the fact that he’s half-asleep, but he didn’t remember that it was his birthday at all.
“Wh—Huh?” he reaches out to get his phone and sees that it’s indeed his birthday. And, of course, it’s almost four in the morning. Very Jimin of him.
“Don’t tell me you forgot this year as well” Jimin giggles, getting under his covers and Taehyung can’t complain, in fact, he moves so there’s more space for him to be comfortable. “We’re not even working this year!” Jimin hits his chest, still laughing.
“I guess that’s why, it all feels like the same day to me” Taehyung says. “But thank you, Jiminie” he smiles, turning towards him. And he does want to kiss him. Thinks maybe that could be his Christmas present and his birthday present combined, but he also knows it’d be selfish, so he doesn’t do anything.
“No need to, there’s no way I wasn’t giving you a hug on your birthday” he tells him, and he wraps himself around Taehyung then, the way they do most days, so really, it shouldn’t be making Taehyung’s heart beat this fast, and yet, it is.
“You’re freezing” Taehyung points out, pulling him even closer and throwing the duvet over their bodies. “Did you just come in?” and Jimin nods.
“Yeah, it’s so cold outside, but you’re always warm” Jimin says, snuggling even closer, and Taehyung makes it a personal mission to set himself on fire just to keep Jimin warm. He’d do it in a heartbeat. “Any wishes for your birthday?” he asks him, and Taehyung just smiles.
“Not really, no” he says, drawing a line up and down Jimin’s arm. “I’m a pretty lucky guy already” and he looks down and feels the way Jimin looks up at him as well.
And even in the darkness, he’s the most beautiful thing Taehyung’s ever seen. And he makes him feel so loved that he could scream at the top of his lungs because all the love he feels doesn’t fit in his body.
Suddenly, he sits up and reaches over to turn the light on, startling both of them. Taehyung closes his eyes at the sudden light, regretting his decision, and he regrets it even more when he looks at Jimin and he looks confused. Almost hurt.
“What’s wrong?” He asks, sitting up as well, legs folded. “Your heart was beating really fast, like when you’re really anxious” and Taehyung can’t help but chuckle at that. Always knowing him so well. Too well, even.
“I… I think there’s something I need to tell you” Taehyung says, because maybe this could be the greatest mistake of his life, but maybe it’s not.
“Okay, what is it?” Jimin asks, with that slight pout to his lips that he always gets when he’s worried. When he sees Taehyung’s eyes well up or some of the guys get hurt. Eyes as big as the universe, listening carefully, already thinking of ways to make things better, because that’s who he is.
“I wrote a song today” and Jimin’s face changes in a heartbeat, and is now relaxed, relieved, even.
“Oh! That’s great, Taehyungie, well done” he smiles, reaching forward and caressing his face like he always does. “You’ve been struggling a lot lately, right? I’m glad it worked out” and he’s so gentle, so kind, so loving that Taehyung just can’t do this anymore.
“Can I sing it to you?” he asks, starting to get nervous, because sure, maybe Jimin doesn’t read between the lines and thinks is about someone else, or about some fictional people he’s invented, because that’s what he told him more than once before, and he believed him.
“Sure, I’d be honored” Jimin says, excited, sitting on his knees, waiting patiently. And Taehyung is half-aware of the time, and that the rest of the members are probably asleep, those of them that are at the dorm and aren’t spending the break with their families.
But it’s now or never, so before he backs out, he takes a deep breath and reaches for his phone where he recorded the instrumental earlier.
“It’s still rough so—” Taehyung says, nervous as usual, and Jimin reaches out to hold his hands.
“Taehyung, I’m gonna love it, relax” and he smiles like he means it, even though he hasn’t even heard a note of it yet. But his eyes are kind, and they make Taehyung do stupid things like press play and sing him the love song he wrote for him. One of a million.
And he’s got his eyes closed, not wanting to see Jimin’s reaction, just in case he does hate it or worse, hates him for it.
So, he just sings along to the lyrics that somehow, he’s already memorized because they’re carved along the walls of his heart. And when he finishes the second verse, he opens his eyes.
“And then I’d just sing the chorus tw—” alarms go off in his head. Jimin is crying. “What’s wrong?” Taehyung’s quick to move closer to Jimin. He’s never dealt well with a crying Jimin. It’s usually the other way around with them, so he’s not sure what to say or what to do. So, he just hugs him. And Jimin hugs him back.
“Nothing, it’s just… It’s so beautiful, Tae” he sniffles, wiping his own tears with the sleeve of his jumper. Taehyung notices then that it’s the same one Taehyung got for him a few years back on his birthday. He still has it. It warms his heart a little. “I hope you one day find a love as beautiful as the one you write about” and he looks right into Taehyung’s eyes when he says it, and it’s as if the whole universe fits in the darkness of them. A contradiction of how such darkness can shine so bright, Taehyung will never understand but will continue to investigate them for as long as he lives if that means looking into Jimin’s eyes.
“Jimin-ah…” he says, because he’s made it this far, he might as well jump headfirst into the abyss. “I already have” and Jimin’s eyes open wide at that, and they well up again.
“Oh” he says. “Okay, uhm, wow, I was not expecting this” he chuckles, but it sounds off. And he sounds hurt, and that’s the last thing Taehyung wants. “Who—˝
“It’s you. Every lyric, every song, every melody I’ve ever written, they all spell out your name, Jimin.” He admits, his heart beating so fast that Taehyung fears he might pass out before he hears back from his best friend. “You taught me how to love when all I knew was to shut people out, you taught me how bright the world could be if I just allowed myself to be happy, you showed me… you showed me the colors of the rainbow when all I was used to was great darkness.” and he feels his own tears fall down his face then, and he’s unable to stop them. “I love you, Jimin. Not like a friend, not like a platonic soulmate, not like family. Or well, yeah, like all of that but more. I love you like you’re the brightest star on the universe, like you’re the reason why I believe that love itself exists. I love you like the tides love the moon, and I too would do anything you’d tell me—”
“Kiss me” Jimin says, but at Taehyung’s confused gaze, it’s him that reaches forward and holds his face and presses their lips together. And Taehyung always thought he’d taste like cotton candy, too sweet and addicting to be good for you, but maybe it’s both of their tears or the snacks he probably had coming home, but he tastes salty.
And truthfully, Taehyung’s not even sure if he’s dreaming or not, because it feels like a dream. Jimin always kind of does.
But just in case it’s not, he kisses him back, hands on his waist, keeping him close as he feels the softness of his lips against him, the way Jimin brushes his tongue against his lips to taste him deeper, even though Taehyung just woke up and probably must be the worst kiss of his life, but he doesn’t seem to care, so Taehyung doesn’t stop him.
And they’re both out of breath by the time they break apart, but neither of them lets go of the other, afraid that, if they do, they’ll crumble apart.
“You…” Jimin starts, and for once, he seems to be at a loss for words. It makes Taehyung smile, for some reason. Or maybe it was the kiss that left him numb. “Why didn’t you start there?! You honestly made me believe you were in love with someone else for a whole like twenty seconds!” He says, hitting his chest, and that’s such a Jimin thing to do that Taehyung can’t help but laugh, which only earns him another slap on his arm this time. “Don’t laugh! That was mean, Taehyung-ah!”
“I mean, I guess you don’t know me that well if after all these years you still haven’t figured out that every single song I’ve ever written has been about you” he says, holding Jimin’s face in his hands. “I’m not the one that called our soulmate song ‘Friends’, though”
“The company made me do it!” Jimin says. “There’s nothing friendly about that song and you know it, you sing in it” and maybe they’re both dumb and didn’t want to get their hopes up before they confirmed it, because what they had is so precious that risking it would’ve been stupid.
But it’s done now, and it comes crashing down on Taehyung like a tidal wave.
“Wait” Taehyung says then, frowning slightly.
“Here we go, come on, love, figure it out” Jimin says, teasingly.
“You like me too?” Taehyung asks and Jimin sighs.
“That’s not it” and Taehyung face falls then.
“But—”
“I love you, too. ‘Like’? Fuck, what am I, still in our final year of high school when you made sure everyone in school was nice to me? I liked you then. It’s been so much more than that for years, Tae, I’m surprised you haven’t caught on either” and now it’s his turn to look shocked. Again.
“Can I kiss you again?” he asks and there’s his favorite sound again. Taehyung hopes he gets to keep hearing it for the rest of his life.
“Oh, my love, you don’t even need to ask” Jimin says before they both clash in the middle, falling on the bed, somehow familiar even though this is something they’ve never done before.
But it feels as natural as breathing, no need to learn the how’s.
And it’s sweeter this time, without their tears involved. And Taehyung can’t help but grinning mid-kiss, which makes Jimin kiss at his teeth and giggle after, and then it’s Taehyung kissing his crooked tooth, another one on his list of favorites about him.
“Do you really have a million tiny things you love about me?” Jimin asks after a while, at home in Taehyung’s arms, and the younger one nods, starting to kiss every bit of him that he can.
“A million and one, now. Your kisses weren’t there before” he smiles before Jimin presses his lips against him again.
“How about we make them a million and two, then?” he asks, hand sneaking under his shirt, making him shiver. And when he gasps, Jimin swallows it down with another kiss.
And just like most of their story, the moon and the stars will be the only witnesses of what goes on under the covers, of the way they learn to touch and feel themselves, of the way they taste and the way they sound.
One from the moon, the other one from the stars. Somehow, found each other at the same time.
And Taehyung will keep adding reasons to his list until it’s so long it will wrap the entire universe up.
And then, maybe he’ll add some more.