Archive of Our Own

Seokjin is honestly tired.

There is no other way to put it. He’s so tired of the calls coming through his phone at any hour of the day and of the night; he’s exhausted by not having a day in the year where he can simply rest and think about himself for once; he’s drained by all the responsibilities weighing on his large but overworked shoulders.

As he parks his car in front of the restaurant, he takes a look at himself in the little rearview mirror.

“Kim Seokjin, thank god you are still this handsome somehow”

He gets out of the vehicle quickly, not really caring about anything or anyone as he enters the building. He’s been there many times already, everyone on the staff know who is he and why he’s there at three in the morning during a cold November night.

Seokjin still bows down politely to anyone he encounters on his way to the hidden room of the restaurant. There, a familiar scene displays in front of his eyes; something that he’s been seeing too many times in the past month.

Two young men, with heads coloured by temporary cotton candy dye, are sitting on the floor. Under the large wooden table, they keep giggling like children with half of their shirts open. A few others sit around the table, chatting too loudly and clearly intoxicated and paying no mind to the two boys at their feet.

The music is a bit too loud, the lights a bit too low, and Seokjin is a bit too annoyed.

He stomps and stops at the table, simply glancing at everyone before crunching down to the same level as the two boys on the ground are. After a few minutes, Seokjin finally catches the pink hair guy’s attention.

“OH!” he screams, taking the other boy’s hand into his, “look who’s here!!”

Slowly, the red-haired boy glances up, and his dark eyes are still covered in makeup, just like his lips. The lipstick is a bit smeared on his face, but still, he looks like a piece of art as always. The guy smiles a bit as he meets Seokjin’s stare.

“Boss is here…” he says with his low baritone tone.

“I thought I told you to go back home early. I thought your words were don’t worry Seokjin, I won’t disappoint you, I’m very tired. And yet, here we are….at three in the morning.”

Seokjin knows he might sound a bit too strict and aggressive, but the last month has been hellish and he is getting frustrated, to say the least.

“I’m sorry, boss…” the tiny boy says, tilting his head a bit as the other simply smiles, “we are sorry, really.”

Seokjin sighs loudly as he closes his eyes.

“Jimin-ssi, do you need a ride home? Or can I call someone to come and get you?”

Jimin looks lost for a couple of seconds, eyes trying to focus. While Seokjin waits for an answer, someone from the table almost drops a glass on his head. 

“Can’t Jimin come home with me?”

“He cannot,” Seokjin immediately replies while he makes sure to take a good look at the guys at the table so he won’t forget them, “you have a schedule in the morning and it’s going to be already difficult as it is…”

Jimin pouts but nods slowly before saying, “It’s okay, I’ll stay here a little bit longer….”

Seokjin doesn’t think that’s a good idea, but he stops himself from saying it since it’s not his place to dictate whatever Park Jimin does. Nonetheless, he takes a mental note to text Hoseok as soon as he’s back in the car.

“As you prefer. Okay, come on now…let’s go," he says, extending his arm towards the redhead, “Can you come out?”

The guy sneers a bit before starting to laugh loudly and excessively.

“I don’t know, boss…can I? The label told me it would ruin my career!”

Seokjin stills, arm mid-air.

He should be concerned about the comment, about the fact that the younger is clearly distressed by everything hidden behind that statement but, the truth is, Seokjin is so fucking tired.

So in the end, he snaps the guy by his arm rather forcefully and drags him out of Jimin’s hold without acknowledging the comment.

As they try to get back on their feet, Seokjin holds the other firmly by his waist to prevent him from falling with his ass on the floor. This is something he’s used to and yet, every time he has him in his arms he gets surprised by how tiny the other man really is.

“Jimin!! Don’t play the game without me!!!” he screams back with his eyes closed as Seokjin tries to make him walk.

“I cannot promise anything, sorry!! Too loud in here!” Jimin giggles at himself like he just said the most amazing joke.

Seokjin can’t remember the last time he got drunk, but he’s sure he was never that embarrassingly out of it.

“Bye baby!” Jimin screams again, “Bye boss!”

“Not a boss!” Seokjin screams back out of habit as he drags the man in his arms away from the room and, finally, out of the restaurant.

Once Seokjin manages to put the drunk man in the backseat of the car, he takes a second to relax. This time around, it wasn’t that complicated to drag his ass out of the restaurant and for that, Seokjin is grateful.

Seokjin carefully adjusts the seatbelt around the man and, for a moment, he cannot help but stare at him. The other has his eyes closed, his face relaxed and with a bit of temporary tint colouring his temples right next to his ears.

As Seokjin stares momentarily, the other grabs his hand.

“Who called you, boss?”

“It doesn’t matter…”

“I wasn’t doing anything wrong…” he whines before slowly opening his eyes.

“Well, the restaurant was supposed to close three hours ago. You and your friends kept all the staff here when they have families and a life, you know? Couldn’t you drink somewhere else?”

The young man pouts, and Seokjin finds it really hard already to keep being angry.

“Are you taking me home with you?”

Seokjin rolls his eyes to the same old question.

“I am not, I am taking you to your very expensive apartment where you will sleep in your very new bed.”

“I don’t like the new bed”

That immediately worries Seokjin.

“What? Why? Tell me what’s the problem and I’ll fix it first thing in the morning..”

Seokjin loses himself in that soft stare in front of him. No matter how many years he has been doing this, he will always be a sucker for the eyes in front of him. The man smiles shyly before moving their intertwined hands to rest on top of his cheek.

“The problem is that the bed doesn’t have you in it….”

A beat.

Two beats.

Three beats.

Then, Seokjin snaps back to reality.

“Ya!” he screams, taking his hand back, “Do you ever get tired of messing with me?! Jeez, you really have no heart…”

Seokjin takes a step back and closes the car door before jumping in the driver seat. From the review mirror, he can see the other sulking.

“You are no fun…I don’t like it when you give me this attitude," 

“Then don’t wake me up a three in the morning to come to drag your ass home, Taehyung.”

Silence.

Seokjin waits for a snappy remark or something, but nothing of the sort ever comes. The drunk guy only stares into him with his usual sharp gaze, his cheeks a bit sweaty under the lamppost lights.

“Start the car, I’m tired.”

Seokjin nods. That is something they can agree on.

“I’m here to serve you," he says with a fake smile as he drives them back into the main road.

Kim Taehyung is going to be the reason why Seokjin will have an early death, he already knows it.

And Seokjin also knows he will have only himself to blame for it.

Maybe, Seokjin thinks, if he had chosen another work field, another city, another life, things would’ve been different. He wouldn’t be a 30 years old man, barely living his life in Seoul as the manager of one of the most successful and demanding idols around.

Maybe, maybe.

Seokjin knows damn well life is not made of maybes.

Life is also not made of sleepless nights, but still, those are the cards he had been dealing with.

It’s late in the afternoon and Seokjin is sitting on the couch of the recording studio where Taehyung is working for his incoming new project.

Seokjin had to run around all day attending meetings and fixing problems but he always makes time to be with Taehyung when the idol is recording.

He briefly looks at Taehyung as the other sings a high note: he’s wearing some designer's red pants that seem to be a bit too big on him and a t-shirt some fans gifted him a couple of years before. His hair is back to his natural black colour and his face is makeup-free.

He looks at ease and absorbed by the music and that’s one of the states Seokjin loves to see him in the most.

That’s Taehyung’s real calling, and Seokjin is grateful to be able to see his art in the purest form.

As the idol asks the producer to replay the track one more time, Seokjin takes his phone out. He opens up the chat with his friend Namjoon to finally reply to some text the other sent him three days before.

Because Seokjin is a damn workaholic who spends too much time thinking about Taehyung’s needs and not enough about his own.

From SJ:Hi Joon-ah. Do you think we can reschedule tomorrow’s dinner for next week?

Namjoon texts back immediately.

From NJ: Hyung, it’s the third time we are trying to get this dinner happening!!

NJ: Please, what is going on this time?

SJ: I know, I know. Tae has a frantic schedule around recording these days….and he’s been acting out a bit.

     I don’t want to come to your dinner and then leave everything to run to him.

NJ: I swear, hyung, this work is gonna kill you.

SJ: Believe me, I know.

NJ: I really want you to meet Jungkook.

SJ: I know.

NJ: I really want to see you! I think I don’t even remember what you look like anymore!

Seokjin chuckles because of his friend’s dramatic tendencies and, after making sure Taehyung is still working, he snaps a quick selfie to send Namjoon.

SJ: Here :)

NJ: Ah hyung, you look thinner!! And so tired!!

SJ: Still beautiful? :(

NJ: Of fucking course!

Seokjin cannot text back because a body drops heavily next to him, clearly looking for his attention. Taehyung sprawls around the couch and puts one of his legs on Seokjin’s lap. Seokjin doesn’t even flinch, way too used to the younger’s typical behaviour.

“Boss, are you sexting while I work? That’s a bit rude…” Taehyung asks with a big smile and Seokjin can feel his ears burn.

“What?! Sexting?!”

“I saw you snap a selfie and then you were all giggling, so I thought that it was meant for someone cute…”

Of course.

In all the five years Seokjin had been working for Kim Taehyung he learned something very important. No matter how much Tae looks disinterested, spaced out, bored or even drunk….he’s always, always paying attention. He should never be underestimated and that makes him dangerous and powerful. And successful, Seokjin would like to add, because Taehyung is very much in control of what he does.

Even when he decides to spend all of his nights out for a month straight turning Seokjin’s life into hell, Seokjin knows he’s doing it with intention.

Seokjin rolls his eyes, tapping Tae’s leg gently.

“You thought that because that’s your usual behaviour, not mine. Anyway, it was just for my friend, Namjoon…”

Taehyung’s eyes sparkle at the name.

“UH! Yes, the art gallery man!”

“Right, him.” Seokjin says with a smile, “He was complaining about not seeing me enough so…”

“Why isn’t he?”

Seokjin cocks one eyebrow at him, a challenging look in his eyes. Taehyung is looking at him pretty relaxed, his eyes a bit tired but wide open.

“Because…being your manager doesn’t leave me much room to live like a normal person who sees his friends whenever he wants to…”

Taehyung blinks for a few seconds, clearly confused by Seokjin’s statement. Then, he slowly raises his body up to put his face closer to Seokjin’s. The manager does his best to stay still and to maintain a bored expression, not to show how usually flustered he gets when Taehyung decides to play those games with him.

There is a reason why Taehyung has won awards as the most handsome, as the most captivating, as the most intriguing. It’s all because of the things he does with his face and his eyes when he stares into a camera or, sometimes, into a person.

And now, Taehyung is looking into Seokjin in that predatory way his manager fears greatly.

“You are not a normal person," he says in a low voice, merely a few centimetres from Seokjin.

“I really am.”

Taehyung tsks.

“You are my boss, Kim Seokjin, and that makes you a very very important person. How can you describe as normal someone who holds South Korea most precious kid in his hands?”

Seokjin stares back and tries really hard not to focus on how Taehyung’s words had just made him shiver.

Does he? Does Seokjin really hold anything of Taehyung’s in his hands apart from his schedule?

“That sounded a bit egomaniac if you allow me…”

Taehyung smirks and bites his lower lip at that.

“You know I’ll allow anything when it comes to you…”

Seokjin’s nostrils flare up as he tries to grasp more oxygen.

That doesn’t mean anything, Seokjin knows it’s only how Taehyung is. The idol is enthusiastic, extroverted, out of the box and a big flirt; he is like that with everyone he feels comfortable with.

That has nothing to do with Seokjin.

“Tae! I think we could use a few more adlibs if you are not too tired…” the producer says, suddenly spinning his chair towards them in the studio.

Taehyung doesn’t tear his eyes away from Seokjin, not even when the elder decides to rest his back again on the couch to get some space between them.

“Never tired, man," he exclaims loudly before removing his leg from Seokjin and jumping on his two feet.

“Don’t sext on the job, boss…I have my eyes on you!” Taehyung warns him with a teasing voice as he jogs back into the recording booth.

Seokjin shakes his head. He only had four hours of sleep and two coffees…he is not going to argue with Taehyung when he can actually relax a bit as the recording proceeds.

The boss nickname became a thing a couple of years after Seokjin had been appointed as Taehyung’s manager.

Kim Taehyung had been discovered almost accidentally when he was just eighteen by a young and promising music producer. Taehyung was hanging with some friends in a shopping mall in Daegu when he simply started singing for fun and a crowd gathered around him. In that crowd the destiny wanted to include someone who was actually looking for new possibilities. For that younger music producer, a couple of notes were enough to recognise a talent he wanted to shape; so, he offered Taehyung to record something with him that he could show it to his music label.

Taehyung had his debut exactly two years after that day on a sunny but cold December day.

While Taehyung was busy charming every girl, boy, man and woman of South Korea, Seokjin was moving his first steps in the music industry at another level. He always felt a deep connection to music since a very young age, but he never really considered an artistic career as an option. So, Seokjin studied management and, through that, he quickly discovered that he was very good at handling situations and people. He then did everything he could to try to mix his passion with his personal attitudes. 

A couple years after graduating from college, Seokjin got the call about managing Kim Taehyung; it was the hot, summer morning after the idol appeared on every social media because he had an argument with some journalists. Nothing major but, given Taehyung's fame, the news quickly became viral.

Seokjin had only worked with small artists up to that point, he wasn’t sure he was ready (and able) to handle someone with the fame Taehyung had. Still, he agreed to a meeting because curiosity was stronger than his doubts.

“Oh, I’m sorry! They told me to come to this room but I had no idea another idol was already occupying it… ” Taehyung had said when he had entered the room of the meeting.

His hair was blond, he had a light red shirt on and Seokjin forgot how to breathe.

“Me?! N—o, no. I’m Kim Seokjin, here for the manager position…” Seokjin had bowed politely, trying to get his pumping heart under control in the meantime.

“Uh, oh. Nice to meet you, Kim Seokjin. I had no idea managers could look like you…” Taehyung had said and he sounded so young to Seokjin’s ears that it almost caused him to melt on the spot, “ thank you for agreeing to meet me on such short notice”.

If you were to ask Seokjin now what that meeting was about, he would give you all the wrong answers. He would tell you how Taehyung’s bangs would naturally cover one of his eyes, how the younger seemed to smile with every part of his face or how his lips seemed to be too chapped for someone that famous. Even today, Seokjin has no idea about what kind of business talk they had in that tiny room.

That’s why, when they offered him the position officially, Seokjin had to think about it for more than just a day.

He had to face two hard facts: one, Taehyung had a past of scandals that had been hard to manage for people way more experienced than Seokjin, and two, he was very attracted to the idol. 

Could Seokjin work at his best level hiding the intense pull he had felt that day?

In the end, he decided that it was an occasion too big to refuse just because Taehyung was hot. There were a lot of people that Seokjin had encountered in his life that he had found hot, but that didn’t mean he didn’t do his job at the best of his capacities.

The first year together went smoothly. Seokjin found the work heavy and hard and it was a nightmare to actually follow through with everything in Taehyung’s schedule but they managed to work it together.

The second year though, everything turned into a nightmare.

Taehyung started partying all night with celebrities that were known to be nothing but trouble, he started to miss appointments and be rude with people. The smiley kid, who was always listening to every words Seokjin said, had somehow turned into a young boy who would lie about everything.

So, after months and months of arguing, Seokjin had no other choice but to confront him.

“That's enough, Taehyung! Why are you doing this? Are you really trying to get every journalist of the nation to write about your nights out?”

Taehyung had rolled his eyes at Seokjin, that fake bravado he wore on stage pouring out from his every pore.

“Fuck, Seokjin. Do you ever loosen up a little? What's so wrong about going out?”

“Nothing wrong. But do I need to remind you who you are? You cannot turn up drunk at every bar in Seoul and expect people to not see you as... ”

“As what?”

The room was darker than usual that night because Seokjin was too occupied being mad at Taehyung to turn up all the lights. Still, Seokjin had recognised the glint in the idol's eyes.

“As a spoiled rich kid with too much time on his hands.”

Taehyung's whole body moved after Seokjin's words. The idol didn't waste a second and, with a couple of steps, he came face to face with Seokjin, angry eyes and hand wrapping around the manager's jacket.

“I’m not a fucking child but I will continue to act like it if you keep treating me like one!”

“You have no respect for the work I do, like the spoiled child you are. You in your designers' clothes, partying with actors on fucking private jets without caring about anything in the world…”

Taehyung had smirked and Seokjin felt his eye twitch.

“Easy, Seokjin…think carefully about what you are saying because I fired people for much less in the past…”

“Then go on! Fire me! Let’s see how you survive without me handling everything.”

Seokjin had gone mad, surely, but he simply couldn’t take it anymore. Working all day and all night everyday had to mean something in order for Seokjin to survive, and running around fixing Taehyung's tantrums was not something that made sense for him.

Taehyung had looked at him deeply, then, and Seokjin was sure he was about to lose everything.

“So what should we do, then? Mmh? What do you want from me?”

“To take your career more seriously. I cannot turn you into the most successful idol that ever existed if I’m busy handling drunk nights and messy scandals, Taehyung.”

Taehyung had remained silent for a while, enough to make Seokjin worry.

“Do you care about me?”

Care?

“Mmh?”

Taehyung had taken a step away from Seokjin’s body while his manager tried to follow the conversation.

“Do you care about me? Me, Kim Taehyung the person, not the idol who pays your bills. Do you care about me outside of the bubble of work you put me into?”

“What are you saying…?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Seokjin. We both know how smart you are.”

It was the seriousness in Taehyung’s voice that made Seokjin alert. Sharp eyes, sharp words cutting lines in Seokjin's mind.

“I do. Of course, I do. I care…I care so much, that’s why I want you to be successful.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Taehyung had said losing a bit of patience, “I need to know if you like me, Seokjin…as an individual. Do you think I’m someone worthy of love? Or do you keep up with me only because I’m a job? Only because I’m paying you to care about my well being?”

When Taehyung had looked at him again, tears pushing at the corners of his eyes, Seokjin found himself out of words.

“Tae….” he had said softly and the pain he had seen in the younger’s eyes had his voice trembling, “I do. I care so much about you, you are so special. You are kind, and warm and gentle and so full of love. You have so much potential to help others, to bring light…that’s why I get angry when I see you wasting your time with useless people.”

“Seokjin, don’t call my friends useless, please…” Taehyung had said in a whiny whisper.

“Friends? Those are not your friends. The only one I’m saving is that tiny model…what’s his name?”

“Jimin”

“Him. All the others…useless. They care about fame and money, they don’t care about you in the way you want them to…”

“Then what should I do, hmm? You have no idea…how, how lonely this life is Seokjin. I need…people, I need friends.”

Seokjin's words were out of his mouth before his brain could catch up to his heart.

“I can be your friend.”

“What?”

“Yes! I’ll be your friend and you’ll have me and Jimin and those cute guys from your high school days. That’s it, you don’t need more. An adult doesn’t really need that many friends…I have three.”

Taehyung had pouted, unsure.

“But you…you are…Seokjin.”

“Duh. I can be your manager when it’s about work, and I’ll be your friend whenever you want me to. I…I like spending time with you, Taehyung…especially when you are not a drunk mess.”

The look that Taehyung had given him that night still burns his skin every time Seokjin thinks about it.

It was so full of love.

Seokjin doesn’t recall many looks like that directed towards him.

“Okay. Okay, boss. Let’s do it.”

“Boss? Ugh, why?” Seokjin had laughed.

“We all need the switch. So I’ll be the idol and the person and you… you can be my boss and my friend, Seokjin. Right?”

It wasn't that special, it wasn't that big of a deal. If you were to ask Seokjin now what he thinks about this nickname, he would tell you that he finds it incredibly annoying and out of place. Truth is, he loved the idea back then when Taehyung told him for the first time just as much as he does it now.

Seokjin had smiled at the suggestion during that night, as Taehyung had his hopeful eyes on him.

“Deal.”

Seokjin can’t help but feel stressed.

He is getting ready for his dinner with Namjoon, but his mind has been on Tae the whole time since he came back to his place. He doesn’t understand Taehyung's behaviour during the past month or so, and that is worrying him.

Seokjin thought they were past those lonely days where Taehyung needed to find a place in the world. He had established a career in the past five years and he had been able to live well with the right people by his side in the meantime. So, to Seokjin it makes no sense that Taehyung went back to his previous lifestyle all of a sudden.

“Why is that idiot acting up now?” Seokjin murmurs to himself as he glances at his reflection in the big mirror in his bathroom.

He’s about to put his shoes on to get out when he hears his phone ringing.

“Seokjin…” Taehyung says almost in a sob the second his manager picks up the call, “I’m sorry to bother you…”

Seokjin's panic mode gets immediately activated. 

“You never bother me, never. Tell me what’s wrong, Tae…”

Taehyung sniffles against the phone, the sound of something moving on the table’s surface coming from the background.

“I just…I don’t want to be alone…I just…”

Seokjin is out of the apartment before Taehyung can give form to his thoughts.

“Get ready for me, mmh? I’m coming to get you.”

And that’s how Seokjin arrives at Namjoon’s dinner fifteen minutes later with a very shy Kim Taehyung by his side. The idol is wearing a simple pair of black pants and a sweater, his usual attire when he’s not working, underneath his thousand dollars coat. Seokjin had to insist a bit to convince him to go to the dinner with him but in the end, he won.

So, he called the restaurant to make sure that there was no problem adding one seat at the table and got there with Taehyung.

“Hyung!!” Namjoon screams while hugging him as tight as a bulldozer as soon as Seokjin steps into the restaurant, “I cannot believe you are alive and here!! In the flesh! I was worried Kim Taehyung had you chained in his house somewhere….I was ready to call the cops on him…”

Seokjin chuckles against his friend’s muscles, ready to enjoy the face Namjoon’s about to make.

“Nah, but I still have him chained around my wrist…just in case," Taehyung says, cocking an eyebrow as Seokjin smiles enthusiastically.

“Namjoon-ie, let me present you Taehyung” Seokjin smiles with his most shit-eating expression.

If Namjoon doesn’t collapse on the floor it’s only thanks to the guy Seokjin is there to meet as his friend’s boyfriend. The young man stands right beside Namjoon and catches him with ease, almost like he knew that was about to happen.

“Fuck, shit…I mean, fuck.”

Seokjin leans on Taehyung’s shoulder in order to tease his friend a bit more.

“I swear Namjoon is an actual genius, Tae…don’t get fooled by your first impression of him”.

“Hello. Hi, I’m….Kim Namjoon and I didn’t….I—-“

Taehyung simply rolls his eyes and laughs lightly and Seokjin can already see how his mood is already getting better. He sighs a bit in relief.

“Don’t worry about it, Namjoon-ssi. I wasn’t supposed to be here by the way and I’m sorry for jumping on your dinner so suddenly…”

“Don’t say that” Seokjin reprimands him, tugging on the younger’s sleeve before focusing his attention on Namjoon’s boyfriend, “You must be Jungkook! Finally, I can get around to meet you, Namjoon is talking about you since forever”.

The tall, broad, tattooed guy smiles at Seokjin as he shakes his hand. Namjoon had shown him pictures of him before but Seokjin has to admit those did not made him justice. Jungkook looks young but somehow Taehyung looks even younger despite being a couple of years older than Jungkook, and that is something Seokjin doesn't miss. 

“Seokjin-ssi, Taehyung-ssi, I’m so happy to meet you both, this is so cool!” Jungkook says and his lip piercing shines under the restaurant's lights. 

They all have been standing there, right in the entrance of the place that, thankfully for both Taehyung and Seokjin is almost empty even if it's a Thursday night.

“Cool, right? I suppose you don’t see cool enough since you are dating my dork friend here but…” Seokjin says as he looks at Namjoon who is still paralysed by Taehyung's presence, “Let’s sit before Namjoon has a stroke, come on guys.”

They are seated in a little table at the back of the restaurant, a couple of paintings hanging in the walls surrounding them. It's clear to Seokjin that it was Namjoon who picked to place since it's totally his friend's style and, thinking about that he feels more at home somehow. 

When the waitress arrives a couple of minutes later to get their orders, Seokjin speaks first without waiting around.

“Hi, yes. He’ll have a Hawaiian pizza with extra cheese, french fries with mayonnaise and mustard, sauces on the side of the plate not on the fries, and a Fanta. I’ll have a carbonara with a beer.”

She nods politely after taking all that down.

“Korean or Italian?”

“Italian it’s fine, thank you.”

When Seokjin looks back at the table, Taehyung is simply smiling at him while Namjoon and Jungkook look puzzled. Then, as they seem embarrassed to be caught staring, they quickly order for themselves as well.

“Why a Fanta?” Jungkook asks with a careful expression on his face.

Taehyung rolls his eyes before answering him.

“I’ve been drinking a bit too much lately, and I guess the boss here is trying to keep me in check.”

“No boss tonight," Seokjin replies seriously, to which Taehyung says a soft okay after patting Seokjin's leg.

“Namjoon, please, snap out of it, it’s not your first time meeting a celebrity.”

Namjoon looks affronted at Seokjin while his boyfriend caress his head in a gentle gesture.

“WELL, it actually IS, hyung. I’m sorry, Taehyung-ssi, I always thought about you as a concept and seeing you here having dinner with us it’s blowing my mind a bit.”

“Oh no please, I’d hate to be a concept.” Taehyung says, the frustration about the comment visible on his pouty lips, “Please, don’t let my presence disturb you…you can totally focus your attention on Seokjin, I don’t want to steal any more time from you guys..”

“Yes, Namjoon-ah, focus on me please. Or even better….let me focus on YOU GUYS. On your RELATIONSHIP.”

Jungkook giggles as Namjoon turns red and starts fidgeting on the spot. If there is something Seokjin never get tired of it's teasing Namjoon, even better if he can do it in front of an audience.

“Did you move in yet, Jungkook?”

“Hyung!” Namjoon screams, “We’ve only been going out for four months!”

“Pff. That’s not true…you have been pining over him for the eight months before that, at least”.

“How do the two of you meet?” Taehyung asks gently as he lays his head on Seokjin’s shoulder, ready to listen to the story of their first encounter.

Seokjin, as a reflex, moves his hand on his leg and opens up his palm. Taehyung immediately fits his hand without even glancing down and intertwines their fingers.

Taehyung's rings are cold as always but for the first time in a while, as Namjoon’s eyes focus on their hands, Seokjin feels like they are burning his skin. He doesn't move though, he simply holds on to Taehyung a bit tighter as he waits for Jungkook to talk.

“Oh, through work actually! Namjoon owns this amazing art gallery and I’m still trying to move my first steps as a painter. I’m not really amazing at it but it’s what I love to do…” Jungkook explains a bit shyly as Namjoon wraps his big arms around his boyfriend’s shoulders shaking his head, “So long story short….I applied for an internship at the gallery as an excuse to show him my works…”

Namjoon's smile is big and Seokjin feels warm. He heard that story before, of course, as he heard lots of other, more intricate, details about Jungkook. Hearing is a thing, though, seeing it's another and, as Seokjin looks at the couple in front of him, he finally can understand.

“Don’t let these big Bambi eyes fool you, he’s actually a cunning man, I swear.”

“Ooh, listen to yourself! As if you didn’t use any excuse known to mankind to keep me in the gallery for extra hours….” Jungkook teases back, stealing a quick peck from Namjoon.

“They look really cute together…” Taehyung moves his head a bit to whisper into Seokjin’s ear.

“Namjoon was afraid of asking him out for months…” Seokjin whispers back, “I think he was a bit intimidated by the tattoos…”

“I heard that!” Namjoon screams at him as he side-glances at him, arms wrapped around his very tattooed boyfriend.

Seokjin only winks at him.

A little later and, after a bit of bickering from Namjoon and Seokjin's part, their orders arrive and they can finally start eating.

Seokjin is so busy making sure that they got extra cheese on Tae’s pizza that he’s a bit flustered when he feels the younger throwing himself on him with a hand shielding his pasta plate.

“No, thank you," Taehyung says to the waitress, “Seokjin doesn’t like cheese on his pasta”.

“Oh, okay. No problem," she says politely as she bows before leaving.

This time around, Seokjin is as stunned as the other two sitting at the table.

Taehyung feels Seokjin’s gaze on him and, for the first time since they got there, he looks a bit uncomfortable. He looks also so young and tiny, and Seokjin’s heart does a weird thing in his chest.

”What?” Taehyung asks, defensive.

“I’m just…surprised, I guess," Seokjin says casually.

“Why? Come on, Seokjin. Isn’t it normal for friends to know these things about each other?”

Seokjin glances at Namjoon for less than a second. No, it is not that common. But it’s also true that normal friends are not used to spending every minute of the day together as Seokjin and Taehyung did in the last five years. So, Seokjin simply smiles to not make Taehyung uncomfortable and ruffles the idol's hair.

“Sure, Tae. Thank you!”

“So…Taehyung-ssi,” Jungkook asks a bit later, while they wait for the dessert to arrive, “what are you up to right now? If I can ask…”

“Mmh…well, I’m in the middle of recording my next album. This means that it’s been stressful and we’ve had a lot of good days and a lot of bad days…” Taehyung says shyly as he looks down at his hands.

“It takes a lot of time to build a project like an album,” Seokjin explains, eyes on Taehyung, “and it’s even more demanding when you are not only writing the lyrics of your own songs but the melody as well... and when you also decide that you might want to play some instruments yourself….”

“Boss is mad because I keep changing my mind about some tracks and he needs to book more and more nights at the studio…” Taehyung giggles.

“Not mad, I never get mad about your music process. Other things make me lose my sleep though….”

Taehyung rolls his eyes at him, clearly annoyed by Seokjin’s statement, but he doesn't say anything back.

“ I love your songs, by the way…” Jungkook jumps in again with shining eyes, “I don’t want to sound like an annoying fan but I sometimes listen to Scenery when I’m stuck on a painting. It always helps me get creative.”

Seokjin’s heart burst with pride as he looks at Taehyung. Scenery was the first album Seokjin had been involved in and it holds a special place in the elder’s heart. He's happy to hear that those delicate and emotional songs mean a lot to somebody else as well.

Taehyung has his eyes wide open as he stares at Jungkook and Seokjin is once again relieved that Taehyung called him and let himself be dragged to this dinner.

“That’s…wow...” Taehyung stutters, “I’m deeply touched, Jungkook. Really.”

Then, he turns around to look at Seokjin.

“Boss, be sure to send Jungkook a copy of the album before release when it’s time. And my number, so he can send me some pics of his art because I’m really curious to see!”

Seokjin nods, fingers gently removing a piece of fabric from Taehyung’s cheek.

“I’ll do it. No more boss now, ice cream is here!”

An hour later, Seokjin is back into Taehyung’s living room with a full stomach and a less worried mind.

Taehyung is pouring himself a glass of whiskey, something he sometimes does when he has trouble sleeping, while Seokjin lingers on the big couch. He just wants to make sure the younger is alright, Seokjin tells himself, nothing more.

“Jungkook is so cool, Seokjin, isn't he? I’m not so sure Namjoon likes me but I find him so interesting as well, I really had fun!” Taehyung giggles as he sits right beside Seokjin, the glass in his hands.

“He does…” Seokjin smiles, “I’m so happy you came with me tonight."

“I’m happy too. Really… they look like such a cute couple.”

“They do, don’t they? A normal couple…nothing compared to your star system friends.”

Taehyung shoots him a sharp glance and Seokjin knows immediately he said the wrong thing.

“You need to stop that, Seokjin. I don’t care about those kinds of things and you know it.”

“I do….I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that.”

Taehyung’s stare gets softer and Seokjin is relieved.

“Did it help with your…mood?”

“ A lot. Thank you for bringing me with you. I don’t remember the last time I had just a simple dinner out with friends without caring about…anything, really. It meant a lot.”

Taehyung’s voice is warm and there is a strain of hair covering his eyes as he looks at the glass. Seokjin raises two fingers to slowly brush them off his face a bit, the tip of his index brushing Taehyung’s forehead.

“Are you still worried about being alone? Do you want me to stay here tonight?”

Something flashes behind Taehyung’s eyes and Seokjin sees it clearly from that distance. He doesn’t know what it is though or how to call it because it's gone too quickly.

“Yes, I would love that….” Taehyung says, dropping his voice low, ” but that wouldn't be fair to you. I have already stolen enough of your night…”

I would let you steal everything if only you’d ask me.

“I can stay…”

“No, really. You already did so much, Seokjin. I’m going to sleep peacefully thanks to you. You deserve to go home and sleep in your bed.”

There is something in Taehyung’s words and tone that Seokjin feels like he should get but he doesn’t quite grasp it. 

“But…” Seokjin tries again.

“No buts!” Taehyung giggles happily before placing a finger on Seokjin’s lips. Seokjin stays there, stunned, “You can stay until I finish this drink, then you have to go. We have some meetings tomorrow morning, boss!”

Seokjin thought that, after that night, Taehyung would have been fine. He really believed that showing Taehyung what a normal night out looks like was enough to make disappear anything that pushed him to find some warmth in loud places.

He was wrong. Taehyung didn’t last a week before losing himself in a nightclub known for having celebrities snorting coke right in plain sight and Seokjin had to go there to bring him back home safely.

“You need to get your shit together, Taehyung” Seokjin screams, too angry to control his temper this time around.

They are back in Taehyung’s home and Seokjin's mind is spiralling. He cannot handle all the feelings of frustration, disappointment, fear, he's experiencing and he won't go home until Taehyung realises what he's doing.

Why is the idol so adamant about making all the wrong choices lately? Why is everything always about Taehyung? Why Seokjin never has a moment to focus on what Seokjin feels?

“I’m sorry."

It sounds just like the other times. It sounds acted out from a script, with no truth behind Taehyung’s words or eyes.

“You are not, we both know you are not! Going to La Playa… what were you thinking?! What if somebody took a pic of you next to some model snorting coke, hum? What then? You are fucking so out of line…”

“Then you would’ve dealt with it…because oh, boss is so good at his work.” Taehyung parrots him as he stands up to face Seokjin, “he’s so good because that’s the only thing he does in his life!”

“You have the smell of that place all over you, it’s disgusting," Seokjin spits back as Taehyung gets closer to him, “also, this is not about me, don't try to change the subject.”

“Isn’t it?! Really?!” Taehyung laughs out harshly and his eyes are on fire.

“You going out possibly damaging your next album release is about me?!”

“Of course it is,” Taehyung murmurs back as he distances from Seokjin.

“No way, what’s that supposed to mean now?!” Seokjin says as he grabs Taehyung’s arm to stop him from moving away.

“You don’t see it….you never do because it’s all work, work, work. You look at me and you see work, work, work.”

“That’s not true and you know that…”

“What do I know? Oh, I know that the only times I get to have you is because of something work-related.”

Seokjin stays still, paralysed by whatever Taehyung is implying. The idol is in front of him as they are standing in the middle of the living room and there is a look all over his features that Seokjin doesn’t understand. Seokjin's confusion seems to work as a lighter for Taehyung's anger.

“Okay, okay…we are doing this now because I’m so fucking TIRED.” Taehyung laughs bitterly before passing his tongue over his teeth. The predatory look is back in all force and Seokjin has a feeling he might have fallen down in the tiger’s den.

“Do you really have no idea why I do the things I do? Of course not. Because you keep telling yourself that I’m just a kid, who’s lonely and high on fame. An idol, who is not grateful enough for what he has so he goes and make fuck ups decisions. Have you ever considered that you might be the cause of all of it?!”

Taehyung corners him against the wall and Seokjin is afraid of breathing for the first time since they know each other. He doesn't know how they got there, or why. Seokjin got out of his house to go get an intoxicated Taehyung from yet another party and now he finds himself feeling like he's the one who drank a whole distillery.

“I get….I don’t….jeez, you are always in my fucking head, all the time, Seokjin.” Taehyung cries out as he grabs Seokjin’s neck with one hand and the rings are cold against Seokjin’s skin, “everything I think, everything I do, everything I create…is you. Right from the fucking start. But it’s all in vain, isn’t it? Because you don’t see me as a man, you see me as a product still…”

“That’s not true, not true. I care about you Tae, we’re friends you know that…” Seokjin whispers, too afraid to raise his voice as they stand so close.

“Friends? Are we? Is this what friends do? Because it’s always me coming to you, looking for your attention, your presence, your love. I’m always asking and yes, you might give it to me momentarily but then….then it’s business as usual. You don’t need me as I need you. You don’t confide in me as I do with you. You don’t…. And it breaks my heart and my soul every fucking time I realise it’s not the same for you…”

“Please…Taehyung…”

Taehyung nuzzles Seokjin’s cheek and Seokjin can only smell alcohol coming from the air coming out of the idol’s nostrils. 

“Everything I do is trying to get your attention, Seokjin, any way I can manage. I’d give anything in my life to just have your eyes on me, can't you understand it? So yes, sometimes that leads me to make stupid decisions because it's the only way I can...manage to get you.”

“You are so stupid…I’m always with you. Always, even when I’m not here.” Seokjin breaths out rapidly because he cannot believe Taehyung could really think those things, “You should just talk to me, tell me how you feel…tell me how can I help you be happier.”

A shadow behind Taehyung’s eyes. 

It all happens so quickly Seokjin has barely the time to understand or do anything. Not that it matters...because in all honesty he would've not done anything either way. 

Taehyung presses his lips against Seokjin’s with force and Seokjin stops existing for a couple of beats.Taehyung is pressing his lips against Seokjin’s with anger and lust and who knows how many other emotions and Seokjin can only stay there. It lasts no more than ten seconds and yet it changes Seokjin's life forever.

“This is how I can be happier, Seokjin. You still don’t get it?!? I want to have you in ways I….” Taehyung’s shaking hands travel around Seokjin’s chest before he stops to look at Seokjin’s lips, “every time I write an album it gets harder and harder. Because every lyric I write is for you, every damn melody is about you….and you are here but you are so out of my reach and I’m so broken, Seokjin. ”

Taehyung’s voice trembles as a single tear wet the idol’s cheek.

“And I’m sorry for wanting you this much, I’m sorry for causing so much trouble in your life but….I can’t help but love you. I tried but I cannot… I’m nothing without you…and everyday it gets harder and I’m so sorry, Seokjin.  I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry.”

Taehyung falls down on his knees right in front of Seokjin and starts sobbing violently.

Seokjin’s brain is completely broken, it cannot form any coherent thought. Seokjin only knows that there is a tingle on his lips and a strange warmth in his chest. There is also a painful sting coming from watching Taehyung cry that brokenly in front of him. Because of him.

So, Seokjin gulps and kneels down on the floor immediately, shaking arms getting around Taehyung’s fragile body.

He’s too thin these days, he needs to eat more properly and sleep more. It’s impossible that he’s in love with me. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He gets too much in his head when he writes an album. How could I not see all this pain?

“It’s okay, Tae….please, stop crying. It’s alright, I’m sorry too…I did you wrong, I only got mad at you and I should’ve looked deeper…I knew something was troubling you and I needed to come to talk to you sooner. I’m sorry I didn't do that.”

When Taehyung’s eyes meet Seokjin's again, they look like lost ships in the ocean.

“You are not mad at me, right Seokjin? You are not going to leave, right? Please, don’t leave me, please. I know you don’t love me like that…I know it. It's okay. I’ll be good, I’ll get these feelings under control again, just like last time….I did good, right? I pushed them away before….please, I beg you, don’t leave me. I can be good…”

Just like last time.

What does it mean?

“I’m never leaving you, never. I’m here, I’m right here with you. You are going to be alright, Tae. I’ll make sure of it. Let me handle everything.”

Taehyung’s body spasms in Seokjin’s embrace and something in the elder breaks. Seokjin holds him closer against his chest to prevent Taehyung from crumbling to pieces.

“Let me take care of you.”

Things get weird after that and Seokjin is feeling restless. Two weeks had passed already after that confusing conversation and there is a strange, apparent calm that worries him.

Seokjin tried, he really did. He tried to see what he could do to ease Taehyung's suffering but all of his attempts were blocked by a sudden new presence in their daily lives.

Taehyung’s only decent friend, Park Jimin, moved in with the idol immediately the morning after Taehyung’s breakdown. That means that everywhere Taehyung is, Jimin is attached to his side. Day, night, home, work. Every moment where Seokjin could've tried to gather the courage to talk about the situation with Taehyung, Jimin was there.

Seokjin should be happy about it, really, looking at the new situation by a manager point of view. It means that Taehyung isn’t feeling lonely anymore and that, maybe, the feelings that troubled him are under control for now.

The problem is that Seokjin doesn't like the new arrangement not even a tiny bit. That's because he and Taehyung see each other every day, they work side by side for hours and still, they don’t talk about anything outside of work. 

It was never like this, ever.

Taehyung would always share anecdotes with Seokjin about his childhood, about his friends, all day and all night long. He would share whatever he had on his mind in car rides, in waiting rooms, during take-out dinners after photoshoots. Seokjin would devour every word, store every detail in his brain.

Sometimes, he would share something too. About songs he had listened to, about his family, about his future desires. Taehyung would always listen, right words always coming out of his mouth.

They shared moments like those in almost every city on this planet and Seokjin would always have a joke ready to make Taehyung laugh and to take away his tiredness.

Because Seokjin knows damn well how demanding an idol life is and he always did everything in his power to ease the struggle for Taehyung.

I can't help but love you.

Taehyung didn’t mean it, surely.

Seokjin isn’t boyfriend material, he knows that well.

How could he be? In his life, he barely went on dates because he never had the time to be involved in a real romantic relationship. He never had time to search for someone who could've been worthy of the hours he would’ve taken away from work. From Taehyung.

Kim Taehyung.

The idol. The honey voice. The perfect face. The sexy stare.

Kim Taehyung.

The soft smile. The ice-cream stained cheek. The trembling hot hand.

How could Taehyung even think that Seokjin only viewed him as work? How could he not notice that Seokjin had been at his feet, just like the rest of the world, from the moment their eyes met?

How could Taehyung not see that Seokjin worked hard for him to be worthy of the light Taehyung emanates?

Maybe, he really had been doing it all wrong. If he caused that much pain in Taehyung, he must’ve done something terribly wrong.

Because every lyric I write is for you, every damn melody is about you.

That kept replaying in Seokjin’s mind every minute of the day since he heard it. It was impossible. How could plain Seokjin ever inspire the greatness that is Taehyung’s discography? 

So two weeks have passed with no real connection between the two of them and Seokjin has been left alone with the repercussion of those words he cannot shake off. And he feels like crumbling down bit by bit everyday.

So, before he goes insane and ruins everything, Seokjin decides to take his first day off work in five years. He makes sure that Taehyung’s schedule is cleared from anything aside studio hours, in case Taehyung might want to register anything, and doesn't set his alarm for the morning after.

Seokjin calls in sick and goes to hide in Namjoon’s gallery to not be drowned by his own mind.

“To say that I was scared when you told me you took the day off, it wouldn't be enough. But now that I see the state you are in, I’m really worried, hyung.”

Seokjin doesn’t try to play it cool, it would make no sense to do it with his best friend. So, he lets it all out on Namjoon.

Thoughts and fears and desires he didn’t even know he had in him before. Because now the gates are open and everything is flooding out, and Taehyung told him he was broken but the one in pieces is Seokjin.

Namjoon listens carefully and warmly, just like the person he is and waits until Seokjin is ready to put a full stop to his rambling.

“You know…during all these years, I had conflicting thoughts on Taehyung. I admired him as an artist, I despised the pressure he put you on. I hated how you never had time for yourself, for your life, for your own peace of mind. But I also knew that’s who you are: someone who, when he cares deeply about something, anything, gives his 110% all the time. I felt jealous most nights because he had you and I had to wait for a text for weeks.” Namjoon smiles shyly, as he keeps his eyes on one of the paintings in front of them, “Everything changed when I actually met him.”

Seokjin looks at his friend, surprised.

“He’s so….precious. So different from the aura he gives off as an idol. He’s honestly still a complete mystery to me, but there is something I’m sure of. He didn’t take his eyes off of you one single moment of the entire night.” Namjoon turns his face to look at Seokjin with a firm stare, “And you….you were so at ease with him touching you, and leaning his head on your shoulder and I know you….I know how particular you are about physical closeness.”

Seokjin smiles sadly and nods.

“Do you know what the first thing Jungkook said to me in the car that night was? He asked me if I thought we would look as in love as you after five years in our relationship.”

Seokjin feels like he cannot breathe, Namjoon’s smile is a sad one this time. His friend places one of his big hands on Seokjin’s leg, anchoring him.

“I had to tell him that you are not a couple, and he didn’t believe me for all the ride back home. But honestly, I get him….I have to tell you, hyung, that there were moments where I asked myself if you two started dating and you didn’t tell me during the dinner…”

Seokjin’s lips tremble as he closes his eyes.

“But maybe it's simply how you two have always been? He worries for you just as you do for him, I think. He knows you, he cares about you, he protects you. And that’s what love is about, really, isn’t it? So tell me why…why are you so afraid of?”

“I don’t think…” Seokjin clears his voice a couple of times before continuing, “ I could be enough for him. Me, Namjoon? I’m nothing special, he’s Kim Taehyung. I want to give him the world because he deserves it and I will be happy just standing there with him.”

“That’s because love makes us selfless, and you have always been the sacrificing type of guy. And that’s beautiful, hyung…but there is one thing you are leaving behind. You. You are worthy of love, hyung, you are especially worthy of a love that you want.”

Seokjin breaks down completely at that; he covers his crying face with both of his hands as Namjoon wraps his arms around his body.

“He loves you, you love him. There is nothing wrong with that, hyung. The world is a messy place, I know that… do you have any idea how special it is to find somebody that wants you and cares about you at the same time as you do? In the same way?”

Seokjin lets his friend hug him as his crying softly echoes in the gallery.

“I was okay with me being in the shadow, Namjoon…” Seokjin reveals, “I don’t know how to love him in the light. I’m so scared he might not like what he sees then…”

“Seokjin hyung…” Namjoon sounds emotional even to Seokjin, “you have always been under the lights for him. You just didn't know it.” 

When Seokjin gets out of Namjoon’s apartment is pitch dark outside. The clock is striking midnight and the air outside is freezing Seokjin’s cheeks.

Seokjin is standing on the sidewalk waiting for his taxi to arrive and he closes his eyes to try and zone out the cold.

For the first time in God knows when, Seokjin ate too much, drank too much, cried too much. He never got himself the luxury of just drinking on a normal night with friends before because of Taehyung.

Because Taehyung might’ve needed him for something, anything and he needed to be vigilant.

Usually, Seokjin got himself a bit more loose during the tours though. Tours were always a dream: super stressful, sure, but so rewarding to Seokjin. Because then Taehyung's smile was always the biggest, and the time spent together was almost endless. Seokjin would eat with Taehyung in his hotel room after a concert every night and just breathing in the enthusiasm of the younger with a touch of alcohol in his vein felt like coming alive.

Seokjin misses those moments.

He misses those nights with Taehyung where he simply felt like…existing.

Is Taehyung right? Does Seokjin only talk and think about work? Is it always Taehyung really the only one reaching for him?

Seokjin doesn’t think so.

So, when he jumps in the taxi and the older man asks him for an address, Seokjin knows exactly where he needs to be.

“What the fuck?!? Do you want me to die?!” Taehyung screams out loud as he takes a jump back from the kitchen counter, a wooden spoon in his hand.

Seokjin let himself in, just like he did thousand of other times. Usually, though, Taehyung is expecting him or calling for him so he never really has to announce his presence.

This time around, he wanted to barge in making a bit of a mess.

“Me? You are cooking without any shirt on! Do you want to kill yourself?!”

Taehyung blinks at him slowly, like he’s seeing a ghost who’s talking to him in a foreign language. Seokjin rolls his eyes and grips the other side of the kitchen aisle because his mind is spinning a bit.

“Are you….” Taehyung starts but then stops for a second to really look at Seokjin, “Are you drunk?!?!”

“No!” he says, laughing, like Taehyung just said something absurd, “I’m never drunk!”

“You really look like it…”

“Where’s the tiny pink hair guy?”

“He’s….in the shower…”

Seokjin takes all the facts in.

Taehyung is in the kitchen, almost naked, cooking ramen and the other man, who is known for being out (at least in the fashion industry) is taking a shower.

Even with alcohol, Seokjin knows where this is going. Or where it went. He doesn’t want to think about it.

“Sorry…for ruining your date night or whatever…”

Taehyung looks even more confused now like Seokjin is a ghost who’s not only speaking an unknown language but who also has three heads.

“Date….? What—-? With Jimin? Seokjin are you really out of your mind? You are worrying me…”

Taehyung takes a few steps towards him and tries to put the palm of his hand on Seokjin’s forehead, almost like a mother does with a child to see if he’s feverish. Seokjin moves his head to not get touched and almost loses his balance.

There is no way he’s going to let Taehyung come that close. Not when he’s shirtless and his hair is perfectly fluffy and something inside Seokjin is screaming.

“Okay, then. So you take your first day off in five years and you tell me through text, you go out and get drunk, you come here in the middle of the night AND NOW you won’t even let me touch you. Wow….”

Taehyung sounds hurt. Taehyung sounds pissed. Taehyung looks beautiful.

He has no right to look that beautiful after he created a mess in Seokjin’s mind.

“You! You avoided me for weeks!” Seokjin slurs pointing a finger towards Taehyung, “You threw all that baggage onto me and then you fucking disappeared! You don’t get to sound frustrated, Taehyung, I’m the one frustrated!”

“Frustrated?” Taehyung widens his eyes as he raises his voice a bit.

“Fuck, yes! You fucking turned my world upside down and then I can’t even speak to you without passing through Park Jimin!”

“I’m sorry, okay?! I’m sorry!!” Taehyung screams again and his cheeks redden, “I was embarrassed! I didn’t want to tell you what I told you that way….but Seokjin, how could I hold on any longer?! I fucking kept all hidden for five fucking years!”

“So did I!!” Seokjin screams way too loudly.

The silence that follows his words is way too heavy and hangs in the room like a lightning bolt.

Taehyung looks out of breath, he looks lost and he still looks beautiful. Seokjin laughs like a mad man because he needs to fill the silence somehow.

“How can that be shocking to you, mmh?!? South Korea most desired man cannot believe that his fucking manager finds him desirable as well?! Let me shake your boat as well, Taehyung. You are not the only one with feelings, you know?! The moment I fucking saw you coming in that little room five years ago… I...but I knew my place! Always knew my place, my calling, my responsibility. I’m a nobody so I promised myself long ago that I would be the fucking best for you, that I would give the world to you! And you did….what?!? You tried to ruin my efforts and your career because you have….feelings for me?!? Can’t you see….? How I am always at your feet?”

Seokjin’s rant started with mad laughs and ended with tears streaming down his cheeks without him even noticing it.

Taehyung is frozen on the spot, with worried eyes and bitten lips.

“Oh, fuck…” Seokjin says as he touches his own chest, “Is this how you felt that night?”

He feels lighter somehow, like a big rock had been lifted from his chest and he can finally breathe again normally. Taehyung takes a few steps in his direction and, this time, Seokjin doesn’t try to move away.

“You….”

“It doesn’t matter”

“Of course, it matters! It matters so much, it’s all that matters”

“It doesn’t. These are just feelings, your life is more important than any of this. You will have everything, Taehyung, I will make sure of it. And when the time comes, I will step aside and…we’ll know that we did everything like we needed to.”

Taehyung blinks furiously as he grabs Seokjin’s by his upper arms.

“What are you saying?! What is a life without feelings, without love? Do you think I would want to live such a life? I want you with me until the end, I have wanted you for so long…I don’t know how to love anything else.”

“We can turn this into another kind of love…I’ve been doing this since we started.”

“But why?! Why do you need to be such a selfless idiot? Why can’t we be selfish?”

Seokjin smiles as he leans into Taehyung’s body; he caresses his idol’s head gently like he did so many other times before.

“Oh, but I’ve been selfish all this time. Keeping you close to me, watching your every move, holding on to all the memories we created together…it’s all been selfish, Taehyung.” Seokjin kisses the idol on his forehead as the younger holds him by the waist, “We can keep doing this until we are old and tired. If we act on these feelings…the time we have together might be shorter.”

“Or it might be endless," Taehyung says in a broken whisper.

Seokjin’s heart breaks a bit hearing how sad Taehyung sounds. He closes his eyes and tries really hard to tell himself that he’s doing the only thing that can save them.

In Seokjin’s history, love relationships have always been a disappointment, they have always left a bitter taste on his tongue. He doesn’t want to have anything like that with Taehyung.

“I will always be with you, I cannot be anywhere else” he whispers in Taehyung’s ear.

Seokjin would love to say something more but he’s too scared still and his head is exhausted from all the crying he did before.

“I cannot be anyone else,” Taehyung answers against his shoulder and Seokjin smiles sadly at how his heart jumps at that.

“We’ll be alright, Tae-ah. I’ll make sure of it."

When he finally arrives home, Seokjin is exhausted. Mentally, physically but most of all, emotionally. He hates to have to deal with feelings, especially when they are sad and serious.

It’s almost four in the morning when he gets into bed and checks his phone. A message sent six hours before from Min Yoongi, Taehyung’s music producer, pops up.

From SUGA: Hi, Seokjin. Since you weren’t at today’s recording I thought I’d send you what Taehyung did in the booth. It’s….well, listen to it and let me know. I think we have our main track for the album.

Seokjin presses play on the audio file immediately and Taehyung’s low voice gently moves on the piano notes.

♫ When everything was broken

    The devil hit his second stride

    But you remember what I told you

  Someday, I’ll need your spine to hide behind. ♫

The words strike a chord already in Seokjin, bringing him back to the old days.

“I’m so happy you decided to join our team, Seokjin-ssi, I can’t wait to work beside you.” Taehyung had said to him as Seokjin had signed the contract in front of him, “Also…behind you. Please, don’t take this the wrong way but my last manager wasn’t really built like you. Your shoulders are huge, Seokjin-ssi…I won’t have to worry about paps anymore, I’ll just hide behind you”.

♫ For fear of moments stolen

    I don’t want to say goodnight

    But I’ll still see you in the morning

  Still know your heart and still know both your eyes. ♫

Seokjin gulps down as Taehyung’s melodies take him underwater.

Is it possible that Taehyung is indeed talking, singing about him? About them?

♫ But if only you could see yourself in my eyes

   You’d see you shine, you shine  ♫

Seokjin shivers as a sob escapes his lips. There is no way Taehyung is singing those words for him, thinking about him.

Can’t he see how Seokjin is nothing compared to him?

How is it possible for Seokjin to deserve any of that?

♫ Are we destined to burn or will we last the night?

   I will hold you ’til I hold you right ♫

Another photograph from another memory.

A little less than a year before, Seokjin was hanging in his hotel room with puffy eyes and a heavy heart.

“What’s wrong?” Taehyung had asked him worriedly while entering Seokjin’s room like a tornado.

“Nothing…” Seokjin had tried to brush it off.

“You’ve been crying, this is not nothing, Seokjin. Tell me now…”

Taehyung had cupped Seokjin’s cheek with his big, warm hand and Seokjin had smiled sadly without meeting the other’s eyes.

“It’s stupid…”

“It cannot be if it got you in this state…”

“Well…it’s already past midnight in Korea, right…? And…and…”

“It’s your birthday, I know”

That took Seokjin breath away for a couple of beats.

“Right,” he had said trying to make his voice sound stronger, “and I…I’m stupid, I thought that my friends would remember, you know? But…just, I just received texts from my family and…it made me a bit sad. You don’t have to worry about it”.

Taehyung’s stare was intense, deep, firm.

“Seokjin, this is not stupid. You are allowed to feel things, you know? You are human just like the rest of us, even if you pretend not to be…” the idol had said caressing Seokjin’s cheek with a soft smile on his lips.

Seokjin had stood there, his head bowed a little in embarrassment in front of Taehyung.

“Tell me…tell me how I can I make it right for you. Tell me what would make you happy and I’ll do it for you. Anything for you, Seokjin”

Seokjin had wondered, for just a second, how much truth did those words hold.

“Ya, no need!” he then said putting his poker face back on, “it was just a moment, you know how dramatic I can get when I don’t have people’s attention, sometimes. It’s all good, Tae-ah, you have a show to worry about…”

Later that night, during his concert, Taehyung had had a whole arena sing happy birthday to him with banners and pictures and confetti. Taehyung stood there wearing a shirt with Seokjin’s face on as the elder cried messily at the corner of the stage.

Seokjin had never felt more loved than in that moment.

♫ I was lost ’til I found you

    Now these songs will hold and hide your name  ♫

There it is, in plain sight.

Because every lyric I write is for you, every damn melody is about you.

Taehyung must’ve been tired of hoping Seokjin would be brave enough to recognise the signs so he decided to spell it out for him.

Hold and hide.

Isn’t what Seokjin had been doing with Taehyung all these years long? Isn’t it what he did with his feelings for the idol as well?

♫ All at once was all about you

    Since that night the moon has never seemed the same ♫

A memory.

Two boys laying on an American beach in the middle of the night two years before. Taehyung had just finished the American leg of the tour and he wanted to simply stay outside. So, Seokjin took him to the beach to see the stars hoping that it would be enough to help Taehyung feel like a normal person for once.

“The moon is so beautiful”

“It is” Seokjin had smiled, his eyes glued to the sky.

“Sometimes though, it makes me sad.”

“How’s that?”

“Beauty is always out of reach, you know? I look at it but I cannot…hold it, I cannot love it really, I cannot make it mine.”

Seokjin had felt a bit nervous, just like every time Taehyung would turn philosophical on him. Tae’s mind always amazed him and most of the time, Seokjin felt like he couldn’t possibly keep up.

“Why would you want to hold the moon, though?”

“Because I’m in love with it. The moon comforts me, shines on me even on my worst nights, the moon guides me and I feel like I’m just staring at it in awe without offering anything in return.”

“That’s impossible! Just the fact that you pay attention to it…I think it’s special. How many beings just don’t care about it all their life? But you do…”

“I really do…”

Seokjin had remained quiet for a while, his mind working on full capacity. How to make Taehyung happier about that? How to give him something that could make him feel…loved?

“What are you doing?” Taehyung had asked in a laugh as Seokjin turned his backpack inside out.

“Here!” he had exclaimed happily getting closer to Taehyung.

Seokjin positioned the little empty glass container, that he carried around for his gummies, right in front of Taehyung’s eyes. He had made sure that Taehyung could’ve seen the moon right through it and then, with a black marker, he had delineated the shape of the moon. As Taehyung had looked at him in wonder, he had closed the lid and proudly handed the idol the jar.

“Here! Now…it’s like you have your own little moon. You can hold it, fill it with all the things you love and maybe you will feel better about it.”

Taehyung had looked at him with such a strong intensity that, even in the dark, Seokjin saw it clearly. It had made him squirm in embarrassment. Taehyung had moved closer to him, so close, and had let his forehead rest against Seokjin’s.

“Please, never leave my side, Seokjin.”

♫ I know you’d never leave me behind

    But I’m lost this time ♫

Taehyung’s voice breaks as he starts crying. The track gets interrupted and Seokjin is left there, alone.

As he blinks rapidly to try and focus on any of his surroundings, Seokjin notices that the hand with which he’s holding the phone is wet. He touches his face, drenched by silent tears and gasps.

Can Taehyung and Seokjin be forgiven for all the pain they caused each other by not letting all that love out in the open?

It’s too much.

How could Seokjin ever think that he would be alright with just holding on? Just holding Taehyung’s hand, holding Taehyung’s future…holding a piece of Taehyung’s heart in secret. 

How could he believe it?

How could Seokjin lie to himself and to Taehyung like that?

Seokjin sprints out of his bed, vision blurred by hot tears and legs shaking. Taehyung’s sob in the song echoes exactly the longing Seokjin always feels every time he has to separate from the idol.

Did we really do all wrong, Tae?

Seokjin puts himself in the first matching jogging attire he finds in his room with trembling hands.

Can we still make it right? Can I still make it right?

Seokjin doesn’t care about the time, doesn’t care about his running nose, doesn’t care about anything else in the world besides Taehyung. He never cared about anything else but the boy.

As he takes the car keys from the table, Seokjin wishes it's not too late to turn the clock back around.

What Seokjin thought was just a one-sided feeling, was actually a whole road they had been walking together all that time. He’s still too afraid to call it with the name it deserves but Seokjin is not afraid of acting on the feeling anymore.

All their touches, all their breaths, all their looks….it was all love already. The purest form of love. The most sacred love in Seokjin’s life.

Seokjin opens up the door of his apartment and he’s such in a hurry that he literally collapses against another body on his doorstep.

Taehyung holds him in his arms and makes sure that none of them falls on the floor.

“Seokjin-ah…” Taehyung says as he takes Seokjin’s face in his big hands. The idol eyes are worried, tired, alive.

“What….? Why are you here?” Seokjin asks in a breath as he clings onto Taehyung’s shirt.

“I…I was worried about you. I wanted to make sure you got home safely and that you were alright.” Taehyung explains calmly and softly and Seokjin’s heart jumps out of his chest, “Are you alright?”

Seokjin was mad all along. Mad to think that he could live keeping a safe distance. It’s impossible because they have never been distant, he simply had trouble admitting that to himself.

He had trouble realising that someone like Kim Taehyung could love him in a way that Seokjin never knew.

Seokjin sobs again and that worries Taehyung, who holds him even tighter.

The elder moves his face closer and, with a tiny smile on his wet lips, kisses Taehyung. It’s just a pressing of lips, too innocent and not enough, but for Seokjin it means so much more.

Seokjin feels Taehyung’s lips stretch into a smile against his own as the younger hums.

“I’m alright now that you are here," Seokjin says as soon as he gathers the control of his mouth again.

Then, he takes Taehyung’s hands into his and leads the younger inside his apartment.