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I had to tell Amelia. I knew it would be one of those situations where as soon as i opened my mouth everything i played to say would get stuck in my throat, but still. I had to tell her. A part of my brain tells me i should back off and listen when she said no to me and i haven’t seen her in days, weeks maybe. But i love her. I need her. My gut twists slightly at the brief face Jo made when i looked her in the eye and pretended she was Amelia to rehearse our conversation. Pain? Hurt? Jealousy? I can’t tell. I assume it’s the lingering surprise from my confession earlier of my past (?) crush on her. She wasn’t expecting it but honestly she should know. I know the words of love won’t flow out of my mouth like they will when i look Amelia in the eye but still. I had to try. For the sake of everything i feel for her and our past and our family, i had to try. The crisp air hits me as i step outside and turn to spot Amelia stood outside of the hospital. As soon as i spot her i wish i hadn’t.
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Kai’s anxiety is evident, and valid and the pressure on us is tiring. It is on all of us. But so is my attraction to them and god i feel so guilty but i can’t help it. We’re stood face to face, and i look up to meet Kai’s eyes and i practically melt. They step towards me and i feel the urge to drown myself in their arms. The hairs on the nape of my neck stand up in anticipation when Kai is close enough for me to kiss them. It’s making me feel so weak. ‘You are on Peaks Island off the coast of Maine in late summer. You're standing on the beach, which is also surrounded by huge, amazing trees. It's nighttime, so it's cool, but the breeze is warm. And when you look up... stars... forever and ever. Hearing the waves... a calm exists... Like diamonds in the dead of night .. like no other. And the wind is wild, are you listening?’ The rasp in my voice is ever so embarrassing and evident and i think it’s given me away, if the distance between us hasn’t. ‘Did you just guide-mediate me?’ Kai opens their eyes and looks at me with a cheeky smile. The quiet sigh they let out relaxes me a little. ‘Did it work?’ I ask curiously. ‘It didn’t not work.’ There is a brief pause between us as i glance upwards and our eyes meet. Shit. Kai threads their fingers in my hair and they cup my face with their hand and i feel like i’m drowning. Our faces are nearly touching and i feel myself instinctively pulling away before i stop myself. Let yourself feel Amelia. Nothing bad will ha- Kai pulls me in for a kiss and every single thought in my brain vanishes. My whole body is on fire, every nerve in my body is tingling. The kiss is so raw and hot i feel like i’m flying and dying at the same time. The more time we’ve spent together the more my attraction towards them has grown and apparently it’s mutual. I gasp into the kiss as Kai snakes an arm around my waist, and before i know it, it’s over.
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I can’t believe it. I feel- I don’t know. Stupid? Angry? My heart fell onto the floor when i saw Amelia kissing someone else. The whole time she’s been in Minnesota working on the project - is this what she’s been up to? Is this why she doesn’t want to see me? Jealousy and anger and disappointment flood my body as i turn away and head inside before they see me.
——
‘Well that was a great stress reliever.’ Kai smirks. ‘I didn’t know the feeling was mutual.’ I reply and can’t help the smile that reaches my eyes. ‘How can i not be attracted to the beautiful and incredibly smart and kind neurosurgeon in front of me?’ I can’t help but blush. It’s embarrassing. I lean against the wall to catch my breath. ‘I have to ask-‘ Kai starts. Oh great. ‘Don’t you have a fiancé or?’ I sigh. ‘Me and Link, it’s complicated. He’s not my fiancé no.’ ‘Right. Being a home wrecker is totally not my style and i should’ve thought about that before i kissed you so-‘ ‘Shut up.’ We kiss again but this time it’s hotter. I can’t get enough how their lips taste. We kiss with tongue and Kai grips my waist for dear life and i genuinely feel like if they weren’t holding onto me i’d collapse onto the floor like a rag doll. Kai’s voice rasps in my ear ‘You feel so good Shepherd.’ And i can’t help the moan that escapes my lips as we kiss again.
A sharp cough from behind me breaks us apart. ‘Mer- I was um coming.’ Kai sniggers. ‘I was coming to tell you that er—‘ I look at her in confusion. ‘Link was looking for you, And we have to check on Hamilton so…’ ‘Right.’ I say and straighten the lapels of my lab coat and head inside after Meredith.
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I’ve just gotten Luna down for a nap after her feed for a nap when a familiar knock strikes at the door. I slide the door open to see a miserable Link. ‘I come bearing gifts?’ He says and hands me a bottle of opened whiskey. ‘Damn, day drinking. The conversation with Amelia wasn’t great i’m guessing?’ Link sighs and pours us two glasses. ‘No conversation.’ An awkward silence settles between us. ‘Why?’ I ask cautiously. ‘She was kissing someone. Someone she works with in Minnesota earlier outside the hospital. She didn’t see me but i-‘ His voice cracks and i hug him tightly. ‘I’m sorry, i whisper into his sweater as he takes another drink. ‘That’s that then.’ I state and down my drink. ‘Can i ask you something?’ Link says. ‘Sure,’ I nod. ‘Amelia told me that ever since she’s been in recovery she likes to think that everything happens for a reason. I just can’t see it.’ I sigh. ‘I struggle with that too. What’s the point in the pain if all it does is damage you?’ A silence settles between us again. ‘Link about what you said this morning-‘ ‘Forget it.’ He cuts me off and i squeeze his hand. ‘Maybe we’re one of those right person wrong time sorts? Or we’re just platonic soulmates i don’t know at this point.’ Link nods. ‘Life is so messy right now, it feels like a bomb exploded inside my head and i’m just all over the place. ‘I know.’ He says quietly and that’s the last thing i remember before falling asleep on his shoulder.