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He should have known something was up as soon as he heard the knock on the door.
He wasn't expecting anybody, and his roommate wasn't even home, so she certainly wasn't expecting anyone either- she hadn't told him she was, at any rate. Figuring she'd locked herself out or something, Scaramouche (foolishly, in hindsight) had gotten up and opened the door.
It was his mother.
He didn't even think to invite her in. As far as she knew, she was miles away in Inazuma, and on top of everything she was wearing the Man I Love Fishing hat Yae had gotten her for her last birthday. God, he hated that hat. He was fairly certain she didn't even know what it meant.
"Scaramouche," she said, breaking him out of his stupor, "why wasn't I invited to your wedding?"
He didn't know what he thought she would say, but if he'd had to guess anything, that would have been at the bottom of the list.
"My what?"
"Your wedding," she continued, as if she hasn't just completely flipped his life upside down, "Yae was filling out some tax forms, and she called the university to get some of your information, and according to them you'd gotten married. They faxed us the paperwork and everything."
His head was still reeling. He hardly liked anyone enough to be friends with them, let alone marry them, and yet according to his mother he's married, legally, to some unknown stranger.
Silently, still shell shocked, he stood aside to let his mother into his apartment.
"I wanted to talk in person- I mean, I know you don't like me very much, but this is your wedding we're talking about-"
"Mom,"- he said, raising his hand to cut her off, "this is the first I'm hearing of it. I swear I didn't know I was married."
She stops, eyebrows furrowed. His expression must be completely earnest in its shock because she does not accuse him of lying. "Oh, is that really what happened? Is someone after our money? That's no issue, we can just get it annulled…"
She continued to ramble as thoughts of his roommate (and potentially his secret spouse) came to his mind. They'd moved in together two years ago, and fought almost every day since. He thought of her as a quick witted genius who completely wasted herself on astrology, and she accused him of being a pretentious rich kid who only wanted an English degree so that he could access his trust fund. Everyone who'd ever seen them together said they were completely incompatible, but they shared enough of the same core values to be perfectly cordial roommates.
She was driven, and so was he. They relentlessly teased each other for their respective interests, but in truth Scaramouche could admit that he admired her hardheadedness and he was sure she felt the same way about him.
She was a bit of a penny pincher, yes, but she always got the rent in on time, and at any rate she hated his personality. Perhaps she had the motive to marry him for his money, but never the will. His suspicions, he convinced himself, were just the mere wishful thoughts of a man who'd been in love with her for almost a year.
Yes, he was unabashedly and ashamedly in love with her, and he'd only admitted it to himself very recently. All her little idiosyncrasies- her terrible budgeting skills, her unwavering belief in fate, the way she liked to steal his expensive shampoo- had become strangely charming to him over time. One day, while staring at her back with what must have been a hopelessly fond expression, he'd realized he loved her, and he hadn't managed to get her out of his head since.
"Did you see the other name on the certificate?" He asked, cutting off his mom and returning to the present. Maybe Childe, he thought. Childe would think marrying him would be funny. Not Mona. Never Mona, who hated his guts.
"The other name? Yes, it was Mona Megistus."
His heart skipped a beat, or two or three.
"Are you alright? You're a little red-"
"I'm home! Oh, I didn't know you were expecting anyone, Scaramouche."
Perhaps Mona was onto something with all her witchy stuff, because his mother had spoken of the devil and the devil had appeared.
"Well!" He said, pushing his mom out of the door Mona had just come in through, "It was lovely seeing you! Let's meet for dinner later, ok? Bye!" Ignoring her protests, he slammed the door in her face.
"I'm sorry, did I interrupt anything?"
Mona Megistus, his roommate of two years. Mona, who he'd been sickeningly in love with for a year. Mona, who was legally his wife.
"Mona, why does my mother think we're married?"
She gulped. She might've blushed, but he couldn't tell because she quickly pulled her hat down to cover her face.
"Mona," he said, stepping closer to her, "why are we legally married?"
"... Well," she began, "I noticed that I could get some of my student loans forgiven if I was married."
"Go on."
"... Albedo has this guy he does art for, and he has this friend who has a girlfriend who's interning in the city office that handles marriage licenses."
"What did you do?"
"I may have, well, forged your signature and gotten her to legally marry us?"
She was definitely blushing, now, and looking anywhere but his face.
He stepped forwards, gently placing his hands on her hips. "Mona, if you had asked me, I would have said yes."
She snapped her head towards him, eyes wide. "You would?"
He nodded. She averted her eyes again, looking down at the floor.
"The reason why I forged your signature is because you were the only person I wanted to be married to," she whispered. "I didn't even think about it, I just filled in your name."
"Well then, wife," he smirked. "It seems like we skipped a few steps."
She stared at him, face burning, and swallowed nervously.
"What is it they say at weddings? Ah, yes, You may kiss the bride?"
Without another word, she leaned in and kissed him.
~
Later, after a somewhat awkward exchange of texts with his mother, they arranged to meet at a local Italian place in the fancier part of town. Naturally, he dragged Mona along with him.
She was already there when they arrived (and still wearing that ridiculous hat).
"Mom!" He shouted, waving to get her attention, "this is my wife!"