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Joshua's about to lose it. He's been doing this stupid project for 3 stupid days and it's progress is still stupidly slow. He's on his 5th all-nighter when he realized that his anger for this (stupid) project was visibly showing in his work.
So he decided to take a step back and pour his frustrations into something calm, something like folding paper hearts and spilling his heart's unconditional, undying, and loving feelings for his best friend in a non-platonic way.
ah yes, his best friend, Joshua has no idea why Jeonghan's been staying in his room for the past week. On the first nights, Jeonghan's just blabbering just to keep him awake, He even tried to stay awake with Jisoo but soon gave up on the 3rd night, maybe because his own course is rendering him empty, too. Used to the noise Jeonghan created, his temper rose the quieter his room was.
So here he is now, on his 8th night clumsily, and quietly wax poetic his feelings away to Jeonghan. it's fine right? as long as he can't hear it, I'm not even saying his name, I'll be fine. Joshua thought, creasing the last bit of paper before dropping it into the empty wine bottle --almost half full.
Stretching, he took one look at Jeonghan, " I'd love to stare at you sleep, because god you're beautiful, too bad you make my heart pop out of my chest". Joshua whispered then started typing at his laptop, thinking about theorems to stop himself from looking back.
•◌•★•◌•
To be fair, majoring in mathematical science was his choice.
It was fun, he never would've thought that he had potential on things until he took classes with it. the problem was, said potential is running the life and patience out of him. The more classes he took, the faster his sanity leave him.
there were good and bad days for sure, it's just his luck that today's a very unfortunate one.
Firstly, he missed breakfast because Jeonghan let him sleep in again. While it was cute to let him a little bit more sleep (that he absolutely needed), that doesn't mean that he can miss his first class, which was an important one.
then he managed to forget his ID that he needed to enter the class building, now he could just bring up his phone to show the picture of his picture (this happens very often). But oh wait!
he forgot his phone too.
Now here he is, at 11 am, completely dry of emotions because he poured it out begging the Maintenance guy to let him in the building, because of course no one is late with him that day too. On normal days, he would've have shrugged it off, but running on absolutely nothing left him rendered empty.
"Shua hyung, don't you think it's better for you to rest?" Seungkwan said, almost begging "you'll drop if you keep going at this rate." He slid a cup of warm coffee in front of Joshua, being careful not to spill it.
Joshua just nodded, not actually processing what his friend said.
"He's right you know, a little break won't hurt" Vernon slid the papers by his side, his project filled with red marks because of the occasional keyboard smashes that Joshua somehow missed.
He sighed, closing the laptop to see that his friends actually bought him something to eat too. They're godsent-- really.
Pushing the cheesecake plate closer to him, Joshua forked a piece off it, mouth already opened when a hand suddenly grabbed his wrist and instead to his mouth, the fork went into the space beside his head, where Jeonghan's head is resting on his shoulders and ate the piece. The fucker even had the audacity to groan in his ear, muttering how great it tastes.
Before he could reprimand him though he was cut off by Jeonghan stealing the fork and quickly stuffed Joshua's mouth with cheesecake. "It's so good right?" even made a show by cleaning the fork with his mouth and winked.
He grabbed the first thing he saw, which was a highlighter, and threw it at Jonghan's side who only catches it and sat beside him and plopped a paper bag on the table, dropping another one in front of Vernon.
"Seriously now, you should eat, don't give the kids a hard time" gently giving him the fork back.
Vernon sighed while Seungkwan shakes his head, and continued to eat. Used to being ignored once Joshua and Jeonghan's in their own little world.
"I'm blaming you for all the shit that happened to me today, Han." Joshua said once his mouth was empty, grabbing the paper bag and prepared the lunch Jeonghan brought them.
"Sure sweetheart, blame me for wanting you sleep more" Jeonghan rolled his eyes. "You're so stressed, it's pouring over them already" He pointed at their friends while sliding the container in front of Joshua.
Joshua muttered thanks and started eating, hoping that his stomach won't bitch around anymore. He then offered some to Jeonghan, who only opened his mouth, moving his eyebrows up and down.
He rolled eyes but still fed Jeonghan, with a little force, nonetheless.
They finished lunch, but not without Jeonghan and Joshua bickering, and the occasional chit-chats between Seungkwan and Vernon.
"Han" Joshua nudged his elbow to Jeonghan. "My phone, it's with you right?" almost slumping into the now clean table, thanks to Vernon and his issue with wipes.
Jeonghan looks at him, acting like he's thinking about it. "Well, I did see it on your desk earlier" he mumbled while fixing all the containers they used. "So I charged it in the living room, before I left for class."
"So my phone's still plugged in my dorm right now?" Joshua panicked, with his luck today, he absolutely would lose his mind if his one and only living space (in Korea) gets burned.
"Nope" He responded with a pop in his lips,"I went to your place to cook" placing Joshua's phone in front of him "You're definitely the one washing the dishes today though."
Joshua sighed in relief. Thank god for Jeonghan.
With the way you're praising him Every time he sleeps, don't you think he's god himself?
Fuck off.
"Thank you Han, you're my savior" Joshua fake swooned. "Along with you two by the way" he smiled sweetly at the two.
"Aww, no special something for me?" Jeonghan pouted, Joshua cringed at him.
How the fuck do I find this cute? holy shit I actually find him attractive, what the fuck?
"Are you going to my room again? I'll cook" Jeonghan nodded, busy with his phone "You'll wash the dishes after dinner though"
Jeonghan nodded again. tapping at his phone, smiling?
He knows that if he asks, Jeonghan would tell him who he's talking to, but right now, Joshua doesn't want to know.
He doesn't want to get hurt, maybe some other time, just not now.
"Shua hyung" Seungkwan stood, picking up his things "We're going to be late" Joshua just nodded, proceeding to hold his things up. Naturally Vernon and Jeonghan left the table too.
They were about to go separate ways when Jeonghan grabbed his arm.
Jeonghan handed him his phone, clicking his tongue, "See? maybe you should rest tonight" Hands still not leaving Joshua's. "hmm?" his eyes turning soft, like he's begging for him to agree.
What the fuck, what the fuck is up with him lately? Joshua's about to combust.
"No han" then held Jeonghan's hand through the phone, "If I did I'll have to spend more nights up"
Jeonghan sighed, seemingly giving up, "Okay, but I'll still be waiting for dinner" He whispered, hands climbing up his arm, then to his shoulder and slowly caressed the back of Joshua's neck, then squeezed it, gently.
Joshua could only nod, not trusting his voice before going to Seungkwan to walk the opposite side.
Separating ways with Seungkwan too, only after he was seated in the room he checked his phone because it vibrated, must be mom, Joshua thought.
[from: Hannie
{scheduled message} blessing you with my beautiful~ face ;* (that's a kissy winky face shuji) ]
Joshua was confused, what is he up to this time?
He tried to imitate the emoticon Jeonghan sent, he stopped after realizing he was in class full of people.
The notification disappeared from his lock screen, then was face-to-face to Jeonghan's photo, and looked like it was taken today.
Like it was taken in the cafeteria earlier.
cute
Then, somewhere in Joshua's brain clicked.
The message,
The phone,
And maybe (god he hoped so bad) why Jeonghan's smiling while texting.
And then he blushed, why does he always do things to my poor heart?
last week, he had trouble trying to stay awake at this class, this time?
He's having a hard time to keep the smile off his face.
what kind of asshole smiles while looking at chemistry equations?
As much as Joshua appreciates Jeonghan's company, he can't trust himself too much. With all the words flowing out of his own mouth right now, Jeonghan might think he's praising some god.
Joshua gave up on making progress 15 minutes ago, better stop than create something that he'll hate later on during editing.
He dropped his third paper heart, sighing as he starts to clean up the materials he used-- both for his project and for the paper hearts.
"Your hands are warm," Joshua started."mine are cold Han." He continued, "I wonder how your hands will feel like against mine?" sighing as he took a glance at the sleeping man, he reached out closer to Jeonghan's palm, but stopped last minute.
they were already touchy to begin with, but knowing his own feelings for the other, Joshua almost feels guilty, because he wants more, he has feelings for Jeonghan that's far more than being friends.
But doing something about it?
That's a line that Joshua vows to never cross.
So right now, yearning for him has become his little secret, a secret that indulges Joshua.
It's something he can do to subside his feelings without facing the consequences.
•◌•★•◌•
He's sleep deprived, he was late for his first class, and his friends are trying so hard to convince him to sleep.
So what's new about Joshua?
His day was actually not that bad, mainly because Mr. Park, his thesis advisor, has given him a green light to proceed with his project, he has to sleep less now unfortunately, but that means if he consistently progress now, it's going to be over in no time.
His friends though, are not happy about it, Cheol even tried to finesse him by inviting him to go black-out drunk, hoping to get his friend to sleep for a long time, he could be nursing a hungover the next day, but hey! sleep is sleep when you average a 2-hour sleep a day for two weeks.
Joshua should listen to his friends of course, he feels bad that he's stressing them out with him, but Joshua likes consistencies, if he stops he thinks he's gonna run out of his flow.
yeah whatever the fuck that means.
He continued typing at his laptop, Cheol continued eating his lunch beside him, occasionally spoon-feeding Joshua too.
This lasted for a few more minutes before he noticed his laptop screen wobbling. Now, Joshua's sure that sleep deprivation can cause hallucinations, but isn't too early?
He rubbed his eyes and looked up, glaring in front of him. He saw Jeonghan sitting across him, tapping his laptop from the back.
What do you think you're fucking doing?
Jeonghan just laughed and closed his laptop screen "You curse too much these days, shuji" then proceeded to clear out the things in front of Joshua
oh I must've said it out loud
"You still are," Jeonghan said softly, before putting coffee in front of him."Careful, maybe you'll blurt out a secret" He winked.
what a fucking charmer.
"I know, shuji"
what the fuck?!
Jeonghan tsked. "Give me your hand" Jeongahan said impatiently, "faster, your break time's almost over Joshuji"
confused, but Joshua still raised his palm up, curious about his best friend's new trick. The next thing he knew, Jeonghan's dragging him away from their table.
Seungcheol could only sigh, waiting for their other friends to arrive.
Joshua barely even registers that his book bag was in Jeonghan's shoulder, and their on their way on the Natural Sciences building, His next class.
What he notices next is how good Jeonghan's slim and slender hands feel like against his own.
like they're meant to hold each other.
He meant to keep daydreaming about his best friend but urgently stopped when he realize that he's blabbering a lot today. The thought of accidentally blurting out things he didn't want Jeonghan to know is enough to keep his mouth shut.
They were on the building's entrance when Jeonghan slowed down, allowing Joshua to keep up with him.
Joshua didn't want to assume but, I bet we look like a couple.
The though was enough for Joshua to blush, trying his hardest to not smile, so he looked everywhere, just not the person beside him.
they were in the hallway when he felt a squeeze on his hand, Joshua looked beside him to see Jeonghan already staring at him.
"Congrats," Jeonghan mumbled "even though you're going to sleep less more often now"
Joshua just chuckled but squeezed back. Thank you for taking care of me
He was disappointed when Jeonghan let go, Hand sagging to his side, like it's already missing the weight of Jeonghan's hands.
"Open your mouth, joshuji" Jeonghan said, almost teasingly.
Joshua's eyebrows rose but nonetheless still opened his mouth.
Jeonghan blinked his eyes close, motioning Joshua to do the same, so he did.
at first, nothing.
then he heard him silently chuckling, he was about to protest when he tasted something sweet.
It's Jeonghan's favorite strawberry candy.
he felt a hand closing his jaw, Joshua opened his eyes to see his own reflection at Jeonghan's eyes.
"A sweet for the sweetheart" Jeonghan said, "that'll subdue your pretty cursing for the meantime, right?" squeezing his hands on Joshua's face before letting go.
Still stunned, he felt himself being maneuvered closer to the door, and staring at Jeonghan's figure leaving the building.
Joshua came back to his senses when his phone vibrated,
[from: Hannie
today's dinner at my place, sleepover this time. It's tamagoyaki ;) ]
He brought his hands to his face, god he was burning.
Yoon Jeonghan, what a menace.
Joshua's routines of making three paper hearts was cut down to one paper heart that night, mostly because he only managed to make one before being (almost) choked to sleep by his bestfriend.
Jeonghan slept first, as usual. He stared at him sleep, getting drowsy himself, but before closing off to dreamland Joshua mutters,
"You're eyes, god they're so pretty, you're so pretty."
•◌•★•◌•
Coffee is one of the things that Joshua could barely function without, it's like his fuel, the only thing that keeps him from dozing off in campus.
Joshua likes coffee, but not when it's splashed into his shirt, the colder he felt on his chest, the hotter his head became.
Someone bumped into him and ran out.
what the fuck.
It was a miracle that of all days he ordered an iced one rather than the usual piping hot americano. It was also a miracle that Jeonghan insisted to put his laptop into a weird waterproof case in case it rains, if not, god Joshua would be wailing in the middle in the cafe at 1 pm on a Saturday.
He changed into one of the cafe's shirt the barista offered to him, the cafe was also kind enough to replace his drink, they even upgraded his drink to the unlimited refills one, all while apologizing profusely.
Surely he did not look that pathetic right?
Turns out the one who bumped his was a now-ex employee who got fired and bursted it out to poor him. He accepted the apology and reluctantly accepted their offers, because the reason he's out right now is because he's waiting for his laundry, even if he goes home, he has nothing to change into.
He sighed, sipped on his coffee and opened his miraculously dry laptop. Time to continue his damn project.
thirty minutes have passed before he heard chuckling, rolling his eyes before looking at the person sitting in front of him.
"Hello sweetheart, it looks like you're on the wrong side of the counter" Jeonghan snickered, he was curious of course, but seeing his shuji annoyed is something he liked doing.
"Hi to you too, Mr. late, it sure took you a while to get here" Joshua snapped back at him. The guy just sheepishly smiled at him and put up a peace sign.
"Sorry shuji" Jeonghan said, bringing out a rather thick book from his bag, "bumped into someone coming here"
Joshua snickered at his choice of words and watched Jeonghan pull out his ipad.
He barely sees Jeonghan study, but when he does he looks hot. He watches as Jeonghan's tongue poke out from his cheeks as he shakes his head.
god he looks so attractive.
Joshua only got back to his senses when the barista from earlier got back to their table and refilled his cup again, "You can just leave the jar here" Joshua looks at her tag, "Minhee, it'll be more convenient for the both of us" he said while rubbing his neck, the poor girl has been going back and forth since the incident.
"Oh sure!" the girl stammered and carefully placed the large coffee jar into the table, making sure it's away from the papers, then left with an obvious blush in her face.
Joshua just watched her leave before sensing someone staring at him
"Jisoo" jeonghan raised his eyebrow, voice stern. "What happened? were you hurt?" he said now gentler, even voiced with concern, he put the pen down, he grabbed Joshua's arm and scans his face seriously, like he's looking for some injury. "Are you okay?"
"Hannie chill, I'm fine" Joshua blurted, then he felt hands covering his own. He looked up and saw Jeonghan's eyes at him
pretty, Jeonghan's eyes are really so pretty, especially in the sun.
When Joshua told him what happened, assuring that yes the drink was cold, calming Jeonghan down by saying I wasn't hurt , I didn't even see who bumped into me, purposely missing the fact that the worker was angry and the collision brought him stumbling into the counter, but scary Jeonghan isn't something that Joshua wanted to handle today.
Jeonghan was about to nag at him again when the barista, Minhee, arrived at their table again, now with two slices of cake.
one blueberry cheesecake and one banana bread.
Joshua's eyes sparkled and thanked Minhee, she put the cheesecake in front of Joshua and the other to Jeonghan. "The today's special for you and your friend, it's on the house" Joshua could only nod while staring at the banana bread that's not in front of him.
smiling she said, "I'm really sorry about what happened today" she trails off, looking at him.
He noticed Jeonghan staring at the girl rather meanly, Joshua kicked his shin under the table causing him to yelp.
"It's fine really, it wasn't even your fault, and you can call me Joshua" he supplied, her eyes lighted up and left.
"Joshua, pay attention to me" Jeonghan whined while sipping on his coffee that he ordered a while ago. His face getting sulkier by the minute.
"I told you I'm fine" He replied, staring at something at the table.
Jeonghan started to slice the banana bread into bite sized pieces and switched their plates. "Here" he grudgingly said, clearly upset.
Joshua giggled "I'm sorry you weren't here to save the day" picking up a fork and picking up a piece of cheesecake across him, "I'll make sure to be in distress when you're around"
He placed the fork in Jeonghan's mouth, who grumpily ate it. "That's not the reason" He grumbled, mouth full of cheesecake.
Joshua tilted his head in confusion "What?"
But Jeonghan only shook his head, eyebrows knitted together. "Nothing, eat your bread, it's your favorite" feeding Joshua the banana bread.
Somehow, in the back of Joshua's head, he thinks about his feelings, and how it spread through his system deeper. He sighs, god I'm hopeless.
It's now 3 pm and now they're just waiting for the laundry shop to text him that his laundry was ready. they finished the cakes and the alarming amount of coffee in the jug.
Joshua likes this, He likes spending time with Jeonghan, even if he gets a little too protective sometimes, even if he gets a little jealous all the time.
"The hearts in your room" Jeonghan suddenly blurts out. "the ones made out of paper?"
Joshua's heart race, holy shit does he know?
"Oh you noticed?" he chuckled awkwardly, his knees bouncing.
"yeah, they're so cute" Jeonghan said calmly, "Too bad you only make them when I'm asleep"
his heart calms, thank fuck I'm safe.
"Teach me" Jeonghan's hand goes on top of his legs, squeezing it gently, "Please?"
so he does.
That night, when Joshua puts the paper hearts they made in the cafe into the bottle,
Jeonghan's hearts were a little bit crumpled, surely standing out with his much uniform ones, but Joshua proudly admits that Jeonghan's hearts from the cafe's napkin were much cuter than his own.
Not that he would ever say that out loud.
•◌•★•◌•
Today, Joshua rejoices as his "creative juice" Vernon supplied once in a lunch break, flow out his brain smoothly, and allowed him to create great progress.
He's in the library today, his third lecture was cancelled and was too lazy to go back in his dorm, only being 2 in the afternoon, he decided to camp in and edit his project. He texted his friends where he was, because sometimes, someone gets a little too worried about his whereabouts.
Said someone is currently sitting in front of him, sleeping.
He fell asleep after playing with his leg and shin, footsies?-- shut up, for 15 minutes.
He wasn't even doing anything aside from that, just staring at Joshua's face, chuckling every time his expression changed, clearly entertained.
weird, Joshua thought, because Jeonghan sleeps far earlier than he does, he uses the older's warmth and even breathes to fall asleep, and if he isn't, then that means he can hear Joshua's mumbling.
Joshua shook his head, he's certain for a lot of things, like how sure he is that Dokyeom's the one eating his snack stash empty, or how he's sure that something's going on with Soonyoung, Jihoon, and Wonwoo.
And he's certain that no one, with the exception of all the paper hearts he folded, had heard the things he says to his best friend, it's a secret he hopes, swears even, he'll bring to the grave.
The silence between the two lasted for 30 minutes, before someone went to their table, the girl looked like she ran around the campus, panting she pushed the hair of her face revealing her face.
Oh no, it's the ex.
"Wake him up" The girl, whose name Joshua can't even mention, said while motioning to the sleeping Jeonghan.
Joshua doesn't know why, but he just stared at her, pretty, just like Jeonghan.
"Why?" He said, clearly bothered, I thought they were through!
"We" pointing at herself then at the sleeping man, "have-- need to talk" Clearly getting impatient, tapping her foot into the ground.
Joshua only nodded before waking the man across him.
Waking, meaning kicking Jeonghan's shin that was conveniently resting against his.
"Joshuji sweetheart, what the fuck?" He kicked back, not even lifting his head.
"Hannie" Joshua said, though endeared by the nickname, he was bothered by the girl's eyebrow twitch. "Someone's looking for you."
The girl snickered, "Get up, will you? babe" tone teasing.
"Sowoo" Jeonghan stood up, looking at Joshua, eyes filled with something Joshua isn't sure about.
But still, he nods.
"You and your nicknames" he heard, then he saw Sowoo hitting Jeonghan's arms, hands lingering.
He watches Jeonghan's back leaving, he feels something inside pulse, like it's hurting.
Choi Sowoo, Jeonghan's latest ex, Joshua wouldn't be too worried knowing about Jeonghan's adventures, if not for the fact that they lasted.
Oh, this will hurt.
That night, Joshua convinced himself that he was staying up late because quite amusingly, he did incredible progress in contrast to the mess his brain was in, and that he want to do as much as possible tonight.
He convinced himself that he wasn't waiting for someone to barge in his room, that that someone is going home, not necessarily at Joshua's dorm, but preferably...
alone.
His thoughts are cluttered with a lot of things, mostly about Jeonghan and his feelings about the said man. Joshua knew from the moment he realized that he liked his best friend that he was setting himself up with a heartbreak, a very huge one at that. But he knew he could't blame himself. Not when Jeonghan makes him feel things, warm things, happy things, and most of all, 'love' things. As much as he wanted to convince himself that his little crush isn't so little anymore, he's not even sure what state he'll be in once he accepts said feelings.
Another point gone for Joshua.
Joshua audibly sighed, his back touching the seat for the first time tonight, he looked up the ceiling and ended up staring at the glowing star stickers Jeonghan painstakingly jumped and jumped to attach each one on the wall.
You always talk about stars, with this you can see them all the time!
Jeonghan's taking up too much space in Joshua's life, in his room, mind, and heart. He doesn't mind of course, but it sure is driving him fucking crazy.
Of course he's aware how the mumbling about how cute his best friend has became more specific, like how he wanted to run his fingers in Jeonghan's hair, how comfortable he is tucked in his neck, Joshua knows he has to stop, but he can't, He's scared the moment he stops sharing his feelings at night, within the paper hearts, he's going to explode and shout it at Jeonghan.
In the middle of the day, where Jeonghan's awake, Where he's going to know about his feelings.
The thought of it makes Joshua shudder.
So he did what he did best, making paper hearts in hopes that somehow if he pours his heart out in little paper ones, his pretty-not-so-pretty feelings are going to be gone in no time.
He's only halfway on his first one where Joshua hesitates, he thinks about Jeonghan's actions, how the normally clingy boy is impossibly clingier to him, that no matter how the boy hates to cook, will willingly do if Joshua says he's hungry, maybe how Jeonghan looks at him so lovingly, or even though the number of people he flirts with, all the "babes" he had, sweetheart only belongs to him, plus the countless variations of his name that Jeonghan seems to love.
because although there's minimal chance of it happening, Joshua still hopes that Jeonghan feels the same.
The thought makes him selfish, he drops the half-made heart he didn't know he was clenching on. He's tired, worried, confused, and in-love with his best friend who may or may not be back with his ex, and could be hooking up. Joshua gives up finishing the heart, refusing to add a heart in the bottle made with ugly emotions. He decided to not wait for Jeonghan, not really wanting to nurse a broken heart once Jeonghan tells him what happened.
That night the sleeps alone for the first time in three weeks.
•◌•★•◌•
He assumed he's going to wake up alone and heart broken.
However, today's Jisoo wakes up warm, a sign that he did not sleep alone, and confused, because all he could see is neon green.
Jeonghan-- that asshole, stuck a note in Joshua's forehead. He took it out and forced himself not to smile.
[wear the jacket, it's extra chilly today :*]
He looks at his desk, seeing the folded up jacket and a lunch pack beside it.
Joshua was on his way out wearing the jacket when he saw another note on the pack.
[red one's for breakfast, blue one's for lunch, don't share! it's for us]
turning the note around, Joshua shakes his head, what a lovable asshole.
[heh you can't eat anyways, I have our utensils :p]
Not only did Joshua manage to get on class on time, he got there warm, full because of breakfast, and maybe a little bit more in love.
he also failed to notice the missing undone paper heart on his desk.
When lunch came, he went to the cafeteria and there he sees his friends sitting, with Jeonghan telling a story with a rather annoyed face, he comes closer and heard, "I told her I'm out countless of times! hell we didn't even last three weeks and I'm only finding out now that we lasted two months?!" Jeonghan huffed.
Joshua chuckled, and then sat on the only remaining space in the table, beside Jeonghan.
he noticed how Jeonghan's face brightened, "Hi Joshuji, you slept earlier today" He mused, clearly glad that Joshua finally slept long enough.
"You didn't wake me up, again" Joshua fake glared, to which Jeonghan only rolled his eyes on and replied, "Don't you think it's quite nice to not walk around campus like a zombie?"
Joshua only stared at the man beside him, just like his own, Jeonghan's eyes look like they slept well.
"How did you get into my dorm so early?" He asks the obvious, killing his own hope that maybe, Jeonghan came home to him.
"Huh? didn't you feel me sleeping beside you shuji?" Jeonghan sulked, "I hugged you real tight too"
Their friends coughed and made gagging noises, not really sure with what's going on between the two.
"Oh shut up, if you're so nice to cuddle me while sleeping, would it hurt to wake me up earlier?" he huffed, him rushing every morning is not an ideal way to start the day.
"but you're so cute sleeping!" his best friend said, clearly enjoying Joshua's reactions, "and the way you run into the building is too adorable" and puts on a show by squeezing his cheeks.
Joshua only sighed, showing defeat and started to open their lunch, he could hear Jeonghan chuckling like he won an argument. He then rummaged in his bag and pulled out a long rectangular box, containing two pairs of utensils. "You really thought you could eat without me?" He asked, waving the utensils before putting them in Jisoo's hands, "Let's eat?"
Joshua feels that he has nothing to worry about.
•◌•★•◌•
"What the fuck do you mean by you think you don't like him that much?" the person in front of him exclaims, somehow offended.
Joshua glares at his friend.
"yep," he says with a pop, "I don't think I like him that much, not in the way you think anyway" Joshua rolls his eyes, clearly defensive.
"God, you answer like him now," Seungkwan sighs, "if you're going to ask me, at least listen to the things I say hyung" sipping on his coffee rather roughly.
Joshua runs his hands through his hair, getting frustrated, words come out of him harder than usual some days, and in those days, he has someone who understands.
"I just," he trails off, finding the right words to say, "think that this" Joshua gestures at nothing, "is going nowhere, maybe I just misinterpreted my feelings?" he says finally, but not sure.
"So you think the best route to go is to un-realize it?" seungkwan quotes the last words, like it's the silliest thing he heard. Joshua nods anyway.
"What made you think so hyung?" Seungkwan asks for the third time since their "talk" started. "I get that you're scared of losing the friendship, like, 15 years is a very long time, I'd be terrified" He says, consoling the older in front of him. "But I doubt Jeonghan hyung would end your friendship if you tell him how you feel" he implies, which go unnoticed by the other, too nervous to get the innuendo.
"We met when I turned 8, and we've been close ever since kwannie" Joshua says softly, "I'm scared of the change that will happen if it does happen, if I actually tell that I," Joshua gestures again, "him."
"Changes like?" Seungkwan asks
"We've been friends for too long" Joshua huffs, "if he does accept, I'm scared of the changes, you know because we'll be a couple" bothered just by thinking about it.
He heard stories about it, how Jeonghan would be flirty but never confesses, how he has an average of 6 confessions a month and sometimes, when he accepts someone, how he gets tired easily, how he refuses to commit. like he's just giving them a yes for them to stop. And Joshua thinks that's a reasonable enough reason to remain here in his spot, Jeonghan's closest friend.
Seungkwan scoffs, "You don't realize the things you two do hyung?" Seungkwan asks, feeling that if he asks the right questions, his hyung would finally realize something, but Joshua only tilts his head clearly clueless. "The things he only does to you? for you?"
"He cooks for you"
"You sleep next to each other, cuddling."
"Jeonghan hyung lets you call him bunny, I heard Mingyu call him that one time and he ran three laps"
"He lets you wear his clothes" Seungkwan pointing at the Jacket he's wearing.
"He calls you nicknames"
"He does that to everybody else!" Joshua refuses to give in, not when it took so much self-control not to think about it at night.
"He got mad at Cheol hyung when he called you Joshuji," Seungkwan deadpans, "god even saying that feels wrong"
"I mean hyung, you do things together all the time" Seungkwan claims, to which Joshua answers, "Like you do with Vernon?" raising his eyebrow up to his friend, defending himself.
"Yes!" exasperated at his hyung's answers, "Maybe because we've been dating for three years" he looks at Joshua intently, and he notices the series of emotions that passed through his face, like he's only realizing it now.
"You're special to him Shua hyung" Seungkwan says slowly, careful not to let his hyung have a whiplash
"Yes, because we're best friends!" Joshua exclaimed
"For fucks sake! He willingly sleeps in your room, you know how much he--" Seungkwan got cut off by his boyfriend's hand.
"You two are noiser than usual" Vernon says chuckling, "Quiet now, he's coming."
Like he said, Jeonghan came in the cafeteria, confidently walking like he always does.
"You look cute in that jacket Shuji"
and like it always does, Joshua's heart is happy next to Jeonghan.
•◌•★•◌•
The moment he steps inside his room, the first thing he notices is the person laying on his bed. It's been like this for a couple of days now, when Joshua stays out late, Jeonghan insists to sleepover, so that someone's waiting for you shuji.
He sighs as he feel his heart race at the sight of his best friend, with the rate of how things are going, he might just get used to the feeling, having feelings for his best friend.
The thing is, he never admitted it to himself truthfully, no matter how he thinks that his feeling are genuine, there's a feeling that maybe if he lets it pass? it will dissolve away. But here he is, going insane with how he's bottling his feelings up. He thought about it of course, confessing. But with how his thoughts gets tangled the moment he starts to think about how, he's sure it's better to keep his mouth shut.
Joshua knows he shouldn't think about Jeonghan every night, especially when he's in the same room with the said person.
He's about to take his (Jeonghan's) jacket of when he feels something in its pockets, he reached his hands in and pulled out 5 paper hearts, one clearly made better than the others. 4 hearts were made of the candy that Jeonghan's obsessed with, the one that he keeps shoving in Joshua's mouth.
And one heart was made out of the same paper he makes his paper hearts with, Joshua smiles as he remembers the night he failed to make even one heart, scared over a thing that never even happened, (because yes Jeonghan ranted to him about exes and how he has absolutely no feelings for the ex). That one heart that looks like it was folded more carefully than the others.
He puts them all in the bottle, thinking how even if Jeonghan doesn't know it, he helps him with ways that makes his -stupid- heart flutter.
Joshua likes to stare at Jeonghan sleeping, it truly amazes him how peaceful the other can look, how he makes his bed like it's his own, how it looks like he was perfect at the space left beside Jeonghan.
He steps closer to Jeonghan, sitting beside the sleeping man, he sighs as he combs his hands into Jeonghan's hair, his hand traveling to his cheeks, he coos how Jeonghan tries his best to snuggle into his hand, clearly wanting the warm hand closer to his face.
In moments like these where Joshua forgives himself for being so afraid.
Joshua knows how closed Jeonghan is as a person, with him being one of the few people he actually let inside, he should know how much Jeonghan hated losing people, especially the ones he cares about a lot. So Joshua hesitates, he feels that he's asking Jeonghan for far too much if he tells him his feelings, that Jeonghan's already treating him so preciously that if he asks for more, he doesn't deserve it, to be the one that holds Jeonghan's heart.
Jeonghan treats him with so much, Joshua thinks he should stay at right where he is, the closest to his heart, but never inside.
how bad of an idea it is to even think about considering confessing, even if it did give Joshua a slither of hope, fear come crashing into him, tenfold.
He breathes deeply, tired of weighing risks, he lays his head next to Jeonghan's and let his heart free, feeling all the things he has for Jeonghan.
"I love you so much Hannie, so so much"
His shoulders relaxed as he let the words out, the feeling getting lighter once he got it out.
So for one night, he lets himself for one night where he admits to like his hannie , he's going to let his heart beat fast close to Jeonghan's own, one night where he's not going to worry whether to love Jeonghan the best his heart could ever do, or stay as this, a coward.
the night where Joshua lends all his worries for tomorrow, where his heart has the freedom to feel all the things that the person beside him gives him, is the best sleep Joshua had for a long time.
•◌•★•◌•
days seem to pass faster, Joshua thought, happy that fucking finally! he now has a routine that's been going on for nearly a week.
First, He jolts awake because Jeonghan "forgets" to wake him up to his morning class. (He hates this one the most)
Then, he eats the breakfast made by the asshole in the way to class, finish the first third of his classes.
Eat with the lunch he and Jeonghan made the night before with their friends.
Go back to his class.
Camp in the library until they kick him out.
he comes home, washes up and goes into his room.
try to make some progress in his desk, making paper hearts after
then go back to bed. (it's his favorite when Jeonghan's in the bed for him to snuggle in)
The only thing that changed is how he learned to fold his paper hearts quietly, it might seem strange that he's smiling so hard while folding one, but at least now he doesn't have the risk of Jeonghan hearing it.
The night he said he loved Jeonghan was the first time he actually said he has feelings for the other, like saying it made him feel better, like he confessed but without the rejection, without the broken heart.
So tonight like it should, he comes home with Jeonghan already sleeping, he smiles as he edits his paper, remembering how Jeonghan helped him earlier with the equations.
and then like it should, He folded his last paper heart and dropped it into the bottle, sighing as he looks at it, almost full.
and like it should, He turns to see Jeonghan's sleeping face, but instead what he faced was Jeonghan's eyes, drowsy but surely awake.
what in the actual fuck-- Thank god he was fucking quiet, imagine if I was waxing poetic right then and there, right?
So he grimaces at Jeonghan and slowly swivels his chair back to his desk.
"why did you stop?" Jeonghan suddenly said, causing him to yelp.
"huh?" Joshua wondered, mind completely blank.
"you" Jeonghan seemed nervous, "and the statements err, at night?"
Joshua froze.
that's it, He wants to die.
"You knew?" Joshua stuttered, not really knowing what to say.
fucking idiot, he knows!
Joshua's known to face his problems head on, but right now?
he ran away.
Jeonghan could almost feel his jaw drop, well that went well.
•◌•★•◌•
Sometimes he thinks that maybe it's his punishment for saying the word god up in his thoughts way too often, or maybe the universe must have forgotten to sprinkle Joshua with luck powder this month.
what kind of best friend forgets that their best friend's a light sleeper?
What a fucking dumbass.
•◌•★•◌•
The thing is, Jeonghan hates noise, mostly when he’s not the one making it, but especially when he’s sleeping.
so he doesn’t fucking know why he’s listening to Joshua’s mumbles. At first, he doesn’t really understand what he’s mumbling about.
but night after night. Joshua’s remarks about how he’s gonna end himself before his project slowly turned into compliments, or rather how Joshua describes this person. How cute they are, how pretty their eyes are, sometimes how annoying this person was.
Jeonghan was annoyed, surely, who could this be? the guy that makes his heart pop out his chest?
Jeonghan almost felt jealous.
almost because he heard his name. he likes to hold my hand!
How Joshua wanted to slide his fingers through his hair, and maybe even tug on it.
How Joshua wanted to know what burying his face into his, Jeonghan’s! neck.
He thinks I’m cute!
joshuji likes me
Joshua’s secret little habit, that he’s enjoying a tad bit too much, the reason that he had trouble getting back to sleep.
In his defense, he did try to hint at Joshua that he knew, Joshua mumbles about how it feels to hold his hand? He holds his hands to class! every day he tries to subtly drop hints that he knows, but all he got was Joshua's cute face blushing, it was delighting for him of course, but not the reaction he wanted.
He even got as far as asking Joshua to teach him to make those cute paper hearts, implying that he knows about their existence, even though the bottle was hidden behind Joshua's textbooks, clearly not for Jeonghan's eyes. but he didn't get that one either.
So for his last resort, he went for the blurt into your face route, and the heavens witnessed what that did.
He fell asleep that night waiting for Joshua, but woke up defeated when he saw the desk empty.
•◌•★•◌•
Jeonghan realized he liked Joshua the same day he realized that he likes boys-- too.
It's a long time ago, Jeonghan knows but he tried to forget about it, he tried sleeping around, which failed because he bails the moment he thinks about Joshua, which is an enormous amount of times. He also tried committing to a relationship, which bit him in the ass because they always break up with the same reason, you always talk about Joshua I think I like him more than you now, and the occasional obsessive partners that makes him reach expectations he couldn't hold. He'd try of course, but only to one person, the one he can't say no to.
he hasn't seen his shuji since the 'you knew?' incident, which was three days ago, he was hoping for a cute confession where he says i love you too shuji, but he guesses fate has other plans.
He's slumped on the cafeteria table when he hears a voice, "Don't you think you're not getting enough sleep?" he turned his head to see his friend sitting beside him, and started eating.
"Cheol I haven't seen him in three days" Jeonghan whined, grabbing the snacks Seungcheol pushed to his side. "How am I supposed to if I don't know if he's getting enough sleep?"
Seungcheol sighed as he took another bite, "Joshua's clearly avoiding you, of course you won't see him" and pats his friends back sympathetically, "Why don't you wait for him to you know, approach you first?"
"I'm trying" he said lifting his head off the table, "can't you see me here? bare and vulnerable, waiting for his best friend to show up and at least eat with him?" he said putting his hand on his forehead.
"Every time you two fight, you and him turn into the most dramatic people I know" Seungcheol said, "One's an idiot and one's a dumbass, what a perfect fucking pair", and waves his utensils around.
Jeonghan took a bite of the cookie and sighed, "We're fighting?" voice sad, "I shouldn't have told him I knew", then stared into the table.
"You should have told him, Jjong" His friend said, "But maybe not blurting it out suddenly? You know out of all people how much he hates surprises"
"I know Cheol" Jeonghan sighs, again, "I was just so excited that he loves me back you know"
"don't you think you made him realize that your romantic partners all have a trial card?" Seungcheol questions, "and that he's scared that he'll be one of those?"
"He's my shuji! how can I just treat him like the others?" Jeonghan questions back, "and plus, I never had a romantic partner, I've liked Joshua since we were in highschool" he whines as he fidgets with the cookie packaging.
"Joshua knows how special he is to you sure, but does he know that you absolutely had no feelings for your past exes?" Seungcheol continues to push, "When he's the first person you talk to about how no one gets you like he does?"
Jeonghan huffed, "He took a hint alright? just the wrong one fuck" Jeonghan dropped something into the lunch bag he's been holding. "Here, make sure he eats a lot okay?"
Seungcheol grabbed the packed lunch and said, "You too, you two are fucking idiots worrying about each other, can't you just talk?"
He just stares at Jeonghan's frame walking out when he shouts, "I'm trying okay?" and slumps his shoulder as he leaves.
And now Seungcheol's left to deliver the lunch to the other half of the idiot.
•◌•★•◌•
It's not that he's avoiding Jeonghan, but he just spends more time in the library, going to his classes earlier, and maybe going to places he knows a certain someone wouldn't step foot into.
It's a miracle that he lasted 3 days, really.
Seungkwan tells him it's a stupid idea, claiming that if Jeonghan and him stick together like glue all the time, he's definitely going to notice if his best friend who normally sleeps later and wakes up after him suddenly goes MIA, especially when he sleeps in Joshua's room, every night.
But he convinces himself to continue his plan, that it will work, that maybe if he spends less time with Jeonghan, it would equal to less not-platonic feelings for him. Well another problem is how Jeonghan knows about the said feelings, but Joshua thinks that if he pretends that it never happened, Jeonghan will, too.
If someone could see Joshua now, it's very noticeable how he gets less sleep these days, plus how he needed to be more alert of his surroundings, careful of a man who's possibly going feral finding him.
He feels bad of course, because as much effort he goes into hiding, Jeonghan tries his best not to force him into talking, like when he sees Jeonghan into the hallway trying to catch up to him, when he pretends not to notice him, He sees how Jeonghan sighs and turns back around, clearly wanting to talk but never forcing him to.
Joshua knows he just needs time, time to prepare for the heartbreak. He could almost hear the words Jeonghan would say to him once the time comes.
I'm sorry Shua, you're special to me, but I can't, you understand right?
Yes, Joshua understands of course, before his feelings, he's Jeonghan's best closest friend first. As much he doesn't want Jeonghan to lose a friend, he doesn't know how if he can take it, to live without the elder.
Fuck these feelings.
He sighs as he slumps into the cafeteria table, where Seungcheol's eating at, "What's up with the two of you and sighing?" his friend utters, which he pays no mind to.
His heart sinks as Seungcheol slide a lunch pack in front of him. Jeonghan has been cooking lunch for him ever since his "avoiding mission" started, and it makes his heart flutter and crushes it the same time. why is he making hard for me to move on?
He sighs once more as he starts eating, "Don't you think you're not getting enough sleep?" Seungcheol asks him gently, patting his hair with care.
"How can I Cheollie?" Joshua whines, "I feel so bad, maybe I shouldn't have ran" and covers his face with his hands.
His head turns to his friend when he hears him stifle a laugh, "You two, you think the same" which earned him a smack from the younger.
Seungcheol sighs for the nth time today, too.
"Well, why don't you try to hear him out?" he suggests, "maybe what you'll get isn't as bad as you thought?"
"I'm going to get my heart broken Cheol, what's not 'as bad' to that?" Joshua snickers, "I think I need more time" He sees his Seungcheol's shoulder slump, "to you know, not to hurt 'as bad'?"
"Shua" Seungcheol exasperated, "Don't you think Jeonghan has something to say to you too?" Joshua only stares at him blankly, "maybe that's why he's trying so hard to talk to you?"
Joshua could only sigh as he finishes his food.
When he's finished, he cleans it up and takes a cookie packaging out of the bag in a shape of a heart, Joshua smiles as he stares at it, and keeps it in his pocket.
"try okay?" Seungcheol encourages him one more time, "maybe you'll like what you'll hear"
•◌•★•◌•
Joshua was inside his room, making sure that the other was not there, he took the heart out of his pocket, his face falling when he saw it unfolding, but soon his face was filled with confusion and quickly blushed.
When the plastic unfolded, folded together into the heart was a piece of paper, and it read:
[I miss you so much I think I'm going to go crazy... have you been doing well shuji? :( ]
Has he been writing on all of it?
He scrambled to get the bottle and tried to fish out the other two hearts Jeonghan's been leaving into his lunches.
That sweet fucker.
Once he got it out, he tried his best not to cry as he unfolds the other two, emotions finally getting out, oh how much he missed his best friend, too.
[I wish I told you another way sweetheart, I stared at you in arms length for way too long, it'll hurt to stare at you farther away T-T]
Joshua's head was swarmed with things he has avoided thinking of, maybe it's just Jeonghan being his normal extra-clingy self to him.
Maybe he just missed me that much,
or maybe, it isn't that one-sided at all.
his hands shook as he reads the last one.
[yk what, you have a bubbly butt, your back pocket's always a nice place to rest my hand in ;0]
"What the fuck?" Joshua fails to get annoyed as he laughs, god how much he missed his best friend, even if he gets so annoying sometimes, even if he doesn't make sense most times.
While Joshua's laughing, he failed to notice someone entering his room, confused why he's laughing but once he saw what the younger was holding, he was glad he's still the reason why Joshua's laughing out loud.
"Joshua" Jeonghan says, making the other jump, "I know you don't want to, but for the love of heavens, I can't take it anymore, can we please talk shuji?" almost pleading.
Joshua was about to make another run for it when he realized that The person he's running from is leaning into the only exit of the room, so he can only sigh and nod his head.
"So" Jeonghan starts, They were standing in the middle of Joshua's room, "Why don't we sit down?" gesturing at his bed.
Joshua nodded again and made his way into his bed, sitting, and only stares at his fingers on his lap when he felt a weight beside him.
He missed being so close to Jeonghan, but it didn't stop him from thinking about just bolting.
Oh god, he knows.
I'm sorry I shouldn't have told you.
Like his best friend read his mind, he holds Joshua's arm and says, "No, I'm sorry Shuji"
There it is, the rejection. Joshua's frame slackened as he prepares his heart for the next words.
"I should've told you I knew in another way, I was just so excited you know"
Joshua froze as he processes what Jeonghan said, that wasn't the words I expected, is he going for the slow route?
"But" Jeonghan says with a pop, "in my defense I did try dropping hints that I knew" squeezing Joshua's arm as he continues, "I guess you were too busy crushing on me, right sweetheart?"
Jeonghan laughed as Joshua pinch his arm and his face clearly flushing up, he's so cute.
"Shua you said that you had feelings for me, and when I finally got the courage to tell you that I knew?" Jeonghan finally exhales, "You avoided me!" he brushed his hands on his hair and said, "I thought I was going crazy without seeing you"
Jeonghan took a look at the man in front of him and sighed, "Have you been sleeping well?" He holds Joshua's face, who's trying his hardest not to meet his eyes.
"I know you're eating well," he tries lifting the other's face but fails, "I cooked real hard for those" caressing the younger's cheek, whose cheeks are getting warmer by the second.
He chuckles when a hand hit his arm, "What? that's the only thing I held on, to know that you're still breathing."
"You knew hannie," Joshua's voice small, "all this time?" could only bury his face into Jeonghan's hand further, when he feels a squeeze, he knows he fucked up.
God knows he tried his hardest to forget, to know that even though Jeonghan doesn't have a heart to say no to him, liking Joshua back is one of the things that are impossible to come true
"Joshua?" He saw him flinch so Jeonghan called him again, "Shua, please?" he said, hands trying to lift Joshua's head, but he only shakes his head.
"hey shuji, calm down sweetheart, it's just me" he smiles warmly, cooing at the other's cuteness.
And there Joshua realizes that it's just Jeonghan, his closest friend, too. That even though his feelings were bothering him for quite some time, the man beside him was his safe space, the one who's never going to intentionally break his heart.
So Joshua relaxes, finally meeting Jeonghan's eyes, tired but filled with happiness, and something else Joshua could only hope for was-- adoration?
"On more time, can you look at me while saying those words one more time?" Jeonghan says softly."So I can tell you how much I love you too" hand gently cradling Joshua's face, as if he's scared that he'll look away.
Once again, Joshua could feel his mind go blank, too? what the fuck?
"I" Joshua stutters, "I have feelings for you Hannie" his breathe hitches as he saw Jeonghan's eyes sparkle, "for quite some time now"
"Really?" he was surprised how uncertain Jeonghan's voice is, "Do you really? am I not dreaming about it? after all this time, you've been loving me-- too?" hand squeezing Joshua's face, making sure he's really there.
He nodded again, now feeling confident, "I do bunny, I have so much love to give" He cradles Joenghan's hand on his face.
"I love you my shuji" Jeonghan says, "I've liked you since forever, I don't know what to do, I tried getting rid of it, getting on with different people" he continued quietly, "if only I knew I was hurting you, god I wouldn't have started at all"
His eyes water, Hannie's been loving me...too.
"Fuck we're idiots huh?" Jeonghan could only chuckle as he nods his head, pushing Joshua into the mattress as he snuggle the two of then into an embrace.
"I've missed you" Jeonghan whispers into his ear, "so much sweetheart" and tightened his embrace into the younger under him.
"Jeonghan" Joshua breathes, slightly strained because of the weight on top of him.
"Hmm?" Jeonghan nuzzled impossibly closer into the other's neck.
"I know you don't do relationships" Joshua starts but was cut off.
"Only because of you" Jeonghan abruptly says, lifting his head to meet Joshua's eyes, "I couldn't hold another person's heart Joshuji" he says, voice small due to embarrassment, "not when both my hands are full offering my heart to you"
Joshua can't help but laugh adoringly, Jeonghan being flirty was normal for them, but knowing that this isn't meant to tease the easily flustered Joshua, he can't help but be filled with happiness.
"So my shuji, my sweetheart" he says softly, "would accept my heart? can I be yo--"
he was cut off by Joshua's lips on his own, he can't help but smile into the kiss, his hand on the small of Joshua's back and the other on the back of his head.
Finally, it's as soft as I remembered.
"Of course dumbass, don't you think it would be awkward if we stayed friends?" Joshua says, both of his hands playing with Jeonghan's hair, keeping it off his face.
Jeonghan could only nuzzle his face into the younger's neck.
"even so I wouldn't let you go, you're stuck with me forever, I'll take whatever you'll give me" Jeonghan says at the younger.
"Then you have me, and my whole heart, Hannie" He says "My boyfriend."
Joshua laughs once more as he feels the embrace getting tighter.
"As it should sweetheart" Jeonghan fixes the two of them so that they were laying side by side, Joshua's head laying on Jeonghan's arm, "I hold grudges you know"
Joshua's raises one eyebrow in confusion, "What did I do?"
Jeonghan pulls him closer by the waist entangling their legs together, "It'll be shame not to make my first kiss my boyfriend" he stares at the younger intently, "especially when he stole it from me" he wiggles his eyebrows, smile mischievous.
A hand smacks Jeonghan's chest as he laughs, "I told you, It was an accident" Joshua whines, "plus we were in high school"
"That was when I realized I liked you" Jeonghan admits, pink paints his cheeks as he remembers, "Oh god I'm boyfriends with my high school crush" he says chuckling, and covers his eyes using his other arm.
"That long?" Joshua exclaims, "You're in love love, man" Teasing the other.
"Absolutely smitten, sweetheart"