Chapter Text
The gentle clinking and clattering of kitchenware was a comforting sound to Naoto. It meant that, in just the other room, someone who loved her more than anything else in the world was preparing her a warm, delicious meal, one they’d soon be sharing in their cozy little apartment. Over the years, the rhythm had become almost musical to her ears, familiar and soothing.
Tonight, however, the sound of a mixing spoon against the sides of a pot began to grate on her nerves. She swore Kanji had been at it for five minutes now. Finally, she sat up straight, peering up from her book and over the back of the couch to see him staring blankly down at the curry as his hand moved in circles. He didn’t appear to be paying much attention at all to his surroundings, or the fact that the stove wasn’t even on.
“Kanji-kun, is everything alright?” Naoto asked, brow furrowing. “You seem distracted. You’ve been…stirring for quite some time.”
Kanji looked up at Naoto, starting slightly. “Oh – uh, oh, w-was I? Um, I was just – just thinkin’.” He stared at the spoon in his hands for a moment, as if trying to understand what it was doing there.
“Thinking about…?” Naoto prompted.
“O-oh.” Kanji didn’t look up. “Well, uh, I – when I was at Junes earlier, getting groceries for dinner, I ran into a girl from sewing club, back in high school. She was there with her husband, and they had a – a baby. Brand new little girl, just about a month old.” The corner of his mouth curled the smallest bit upward as he carried on. “She was the cutest thing. Itty bitty. Tiny hands, tiny feet, tiny nose – but huge eyes. She was all giggly and sweet and adorable and I –” He suddenly cut himself off, swallowing hard. “Um. S-so, yeah, I was just…thinkin’.”
Naoto slowly closed her book and folded her hands, stomach clenching. She’d always known Kanji loved children, and beneath his rough exterior, he was actually wonderful with them. Somehow, it hadn’t occurred to her until after graduating high school what this could imply for their future. While Kanji’s mother had teased them about grandchildren on occasion, they had yet to discuss the matter seriously – something Naoto, in her own mind, took full responsibility for. It was imperative they talked about it, and she knew Kanji was too nervous to instigate the conversation. Though the subject filled her with dread, it had to happen, and if it was currently on his mind there was no better time.
“Kanji-kun,” she said softly. “Would you come over here, please?”
After a long moment, Kanji set the spoon down and slowly walked into the living room, hovering at the edge of the couch until Naoto motioned for him to sit down next to her. Nervously playing with a loose thread on his shirt, he kept his gaze fixed on his hands as they sat in silence. Finally, he blurted, “I want kids.”
Naoto only pursed her lips as Kanji made himself look up at her, continuing, “I – I mean, m-maybe I’d wanna stop at one, I dunno. But that’s – that’s not the point. I’ve wanted to be a dad as long as I can remember. Even when I was a kid, I always tried to get Yukiko-senpai to play house – she hated it,” he added with a nervous laugh, “and I wanted to cook and take care’a the dolls and – all that stuff they told me I shouldn’t wanna do. But it’s never gone away, that feelin’, and I – I’ve really been thinkin’ about it a lot lately.”
He reached out and wrapped his shaking hands around Naoto’s, giving them a squeeze. “I love you, Naoto, and I wanna start a family with you. And…” Kanji closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Maybe you don’t…want that. And that’s…I could be okay with that. I could never not be happy with you. I just…really, really want this.”
Naoto bowed her head, bringing one of Kanji’s hands to her lips and softly kissing his knuckles. “I know. I’m sorry that I haven’t…that I’ve made you feel afraid to bring this up with me.” Sighing, she tried to organize her feelings into coherent thoughts.
“I’m not…opposed to the idea. Terrified of it, but not against it.” She looked back up at Kanji, rubbing circles into his palms with her fingers. “But I have my career, and right now, I’m not ready to give up the aspects of it that would take me away from our family. I don’t…I don’t harbor bitterness towards my parents any longer, I truly don’t. But in the short time I had with them, they were busy, they travelled often, and then…”
Naoto exhaled slowly, regaining her composure. “It isn’t their fault that they…left me like they did. Now I’ve chosen the same path as them, and it is demanding and dangerous. We both know this, and we’ve chosen as adults to be together and make this work regardless. But at this point in my career, I’m not ready for parenthood. I would be beyond happy if any future child of mine wanted to carry on the Shirogane legacy, but a small child can’t travel with me like you do, and I couldn’t stand the thought of being so distant, physically and emotionally, from them, especially in those formative years. They would deserve the best childhood we could give them, one with both their parents present. Surely you understand.”
Kanji pulled Naoto a little closer, kissing the top of her head. “Of course I do.”
“And,” she continued before he could say anything else or she lost her steam, “career aside, I – the idea of being a – a parent – me – it’s terrifying. I’m not good with children, not like you. Being responsible for the well-being, happiness, and life of a human being for at least 18 years – what if I do something wrong? What if I push too hard, or not hard enough, or what if they just hate me for no reason? Teenagers – I didn’t understand teenagers when I was a teenager. They rebel against authority – Kanji-kun, as a parent and a law enforcement figure, that would give them twice the reason to rebel, and –”
Amusement in his eyes, Kanji cut Naoto off with his lips against hers. He ran his hand gently up and down her arm, encouraging her to relax. It wasn’t until she felt her muscles slowly un-tensing that she realized just how worked up she’d been. After a minute, he broke the kiss, hand coming to rest at the base of her neck, and smiled.
“Hey, it’s okay. I didn’t mean right this second. Honestly, I feel a lot better just knowin’ you’d be open to it eventually. Doesn’t have to be today, tomorrow, this year, next year. I don’t want us to do this until we’re both ready and able to do it right. It’s my own fault I never asked how you felt about it.”
Naoto laughed softly. “Don’t worry. It doesn’t take a detective to see how much you adore children. We wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t decided that…someday, I’d be willing to do this with you. Just…not yet. But you will be a wonderful, incredible father when the time is right.”
At that, Kanji’s eyes lit up, a grin overtaking his face. He pulled her close in a warm embrace, rubbing her back. “You’re gonna be a great mom someday.”
“I’ll take your word for it,” Naoto said, nuzzling against the crook of his neck. “But right now, I’m starving.”
“Oh! Yeah!” Kanji released her, sitting back. “Now that ya mention it, so am I. I was makin’ dinner, wasn’t I?” After leaning over to kiss her forehead, he jumped to his feet, rushing to the kitchen and slipping on his favorite pink apron.
Naoto couldn’t help a small smile despite herself. Some people were born to be parents, and Kanji, without a doubt, was one of them. She didn’t consider herself a natural by any stretch of the imagination, but then, she had never imagined herself as a friend, much less married. With no one else could she see herself ever being ready to start a family, however far in the future that may be, and she knew that he wouldn’t let her fail. When the timing was right, they’d be in it together. Silly as it was, Naoto indulged herself in the feeling of being able to do anything with Kanji by her side.