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If there was one question that circled Todd's mind at this hour, was how did not any of their neighbors had called the cops yet. It was New Year's Day and the Dead Poets Society couldn't miss this opportunity as one of their annual gatherings. Ever since they started college, the boys had been extremely busy, resulting in almost no free space for their meetings.
They had a sweet time during high school. Despite all the trouble, whether it came from misunderstandings between them or with their parents, what mattered is they all had each other if they needed support. Soon, they were reuniting every friday to read some of their favorite stories and sonnets. The boys could be very different from each other, but deep down, that one shared taste for words on paper was what bound them together.
And now here were all of them, together in Meeks and Pitts' apartment, the smell of alcohol and faint snoring coming from the living room. All of them, except Todd.
Although he loved his friends more than anything in that world, the boy often needed some time by himself. His thoughts were just too much for him sometimes, so that's how he ended up on the balcony, leaning on the railing, staring at the night sky, which moments ago had been full of colorful explosions. Todd inhaled, feeling the cold winter air filling his lungs. He looked around the neighborhood. They lived in the 4th floor, which meant you could practically see all the streets on their block.
"You okay?" A sweet voice coming from behind Todd broke the silence, followed by steps the moment he turned around, making his heart miss a bit.
Now we should rewind a little to give you some context.
When Todd moved into Welton Academy, apparently the most popular and well ranked high school, which also happened to be a boarding school, he would rather be six feet under than starting everything all over again. His experience with new schools hadn't exactly been the best. The mix of living in the shadow of his older brother Jeffrey and not being much of an extrovert made things very much harder for him. All his life, everyone looked at him hoping he would make it to their expectations, hoping he would be a Jeffrey Anderson 2.0. But he wasn't good at sports, his voice ceased when he was in front of people and his eyes threatened to start burning among every crowd. After all, he was just... Todd.
And until he entered Welton, his life stayed pretty much the same. When he got the news, unlike any other kid that would have protested and begged their parents to stay on their current school, Todd just nodded, lowered his head, and walked out of the living room. He wasn't used to talking back and didn't really intended to do it so soon. Todd had no other option than just accept the changes and overthink before he slept for a week straight. Would the new students mess with him? Would he be able to get to know anyone? Would anyone even be interested in getting to know him? Either way, he tried not to give it much thought since this was his last school year.
However, things seemed to go pretty different than what he had expected. The moment he stepped into the main hall, the bag already in his dorm, trying to get to know the place around, he was stopped by someone. In front of him, a boy his height, dark hair and dark brown curious eyes smiled kindly at him and stretched out his hand. Maybe he was just being polite, but the way he spoke about his friends and the environment of the school left Todd a little more comfortable. It didn't take long to know that his name was Neil, he was one of the top students and seemed to get along with pretty much everyone. After meeting the rest of his group, he also came to the conclusion that Neil's relationship with his father wasn't exactly the best, but he didn't seem to want to talk about it.
The more time they spent together, the closer they got. Todd had never met someone in his life who didn't look at him like as a second version of his brother, but as who he really was. As Neil started to passionately talk about acting more and more often, Todd also found a safe place in writing and reading poetry. For someone who didn't have much experience expressing how his feelings, having writing as one of his favorite activities slightly surprised him. Even more when his english teacher was constantly telling him how gifted he was. And together, Todd and the boys ended up creating the Dead Poets Society, a place where they could be themselves, not fearing any judgment from anyone.
As the year ended, they all knew what was coming. Everyone had made up their mind about the course they would be taking, but the hardest part was definitely going to be saying goodbye. Todd found it unexpectedly difficult to say goodbye to the safe place he managed to find that year and also the only one he got to know in his life, and also to the people who he got to know so deeply and weren't just faces for him, but real friends.
It was 4pm and soon the school would be closed, so everyone had already packed. However, Todd had been too caught up in his convy with Mr. Keating to notice the time going by, so as soon as he saw it was almost time to go, he hurriedly finished packing. A few flannel shirts and knit sweaters were dropped on his bed so he quickly grabbed and threw them inside his bag. While trying to close it, he heard the soft click of the door opening and closing after a few second. Way too focused on closing his bag, Todd didn't even notice Neil silently sneaking in and standing right behind him until he cleared his throat, making Todd jump and quickly turning around.
"No need to be scared, silly! It's me, the best roommate you'll ever have in your entire life." Neil laughed at the way Todd rolled his eyes but was clearly hiding a smile. "I figured you would still be up here. Talking to Keating?"
"Yup." Todd turned back to his bag, still trying to close it. "I told him i would probably take English Literature in college."
"That's amazing!" Neil said, dropping what he had brought on his bed and crossing his arms over his chest. "Finally doing something about your gift for understanding and writing poetry, i see."
Todd smiled at that, the zipper finally giving in and letting him close his bag. He got up and turned around, eyeing Neil with an amusing face. "Hopefully you'll do something about your talent for acting as well."
"I'll try. You know how it is with my father." A sad smile crossed Neil's face. "But that's not what i'm here for. Close your eyes."
Todd was taken aback by the sudden order. He smiled amusingly. "How do I know if I can trust you?"
"You can't hide it, Todd. I know you would trust me with your life." Neil laughed. It was the most beautiful sound Todd had ever heard in his 18 years lifetime.
"You wish." Replied Todd and with a smile, he closed his eyes.
He felt Neil taking a few steps back and then a few steps ahead. "Ok, give me your hands." And Todd did it. But at the same time he felt something being places over his hands, he could feel Neil's breath ricocheting on his lips. He was close. He was seriously close right now.
Was Neil going to kiss him? It was hard for Todd to admit but Neil had no idea how much he wanted that. His heart started beating faster at the thought of the other being so close and not leaning back.
But something must've stopped Neil because Todd heard him taking a few steps back. His stomach swirled with disappointment and he felt his heart dropping to his feet. He know Neil took all those steps towards him for one thing and one thing only, but Todd didn't understand why he didn't do it. Because in every life Todd would've lived, in all of them he would've kissed Neil back.
"You can open your eyes." Neil's voice broke his train of thoughts, as it always did, and he was pulled back to the reality. The first thing Todd saw was the boy in front of him with a mix of sadness and enthusiasm dancing on his eyes. But he was so focused on Neil that he barely forgot he had something on his hands.
As he looked down, a book layed on his hands. Todd would've figured already when he had his eyes closed, if only he wasn't too focused on the boy in front of him. A copy of all the works by Walt Whitman. Todd felt a smile growing on his face and he was pretty sure his eyes were glowing at the moment. Maybe as much as Neil's were when he looked up at him. It was almost as if the boy was mirroring his emotions at that exact moment.
"I wasn't sure if you had it already, but it seemed like a good idea since-"
"Neil. Stop talking." Todd analyzed the book on his hands, looking up to Neil with enthusiasm. "This is perfect."
Neil was staring at him with that soft expression that made Todd stupidly want to kiss him. The corners of his eyes crinkled and his slightly insecure expression broke into a smile, so perfect the world seemed to stop for Todd. So he stepped forward and looped his arms around Neil's neck. If it wouldn't be a kiss, a hug would have to do it this time.
Todd buried his face on the crook on Neil's neck and just held him as if this would be their last moment together. His characteristically smell of vanilla filled Todd's lungs and a small smile bloomed on his face. A few seconds later he felt Neil's arms wrapping around his waist, tightening their embrace.
"I think I'm going to miss you. Just a bit." Todd finally managed to say, letting out a muffled chuckle as well.
"Of course you will." He felt Neil's warm breath on the back of his neck. "You'll never find a roommate like me."
"Maybe you're right."
"No. I AM right." Neil giggled. "I guess that's the reason why I wanted to give you this. Not to remember me as your greatest roommate of all times, of course," Another laugh. "But as a reminder that you matter to the others and to remember of the good times you had here." He pulled back and held Todd's face between his hands. Again that soft smile Todd hated and loved so much at the same time. "I'm gonna miss you too." And he let go.
Todd was left alone in the middle of their dorm room, book in his hand, bag in the other, after Neil had to hurriedly go because he noticed he has three missed calls from his father, definitely not a good thing.
And when Todd entered college, he managed to get to know a few people. Even though it was difficult to him, he finally managed to let some of them get to know himself too.
After two years, the schedule was tight, he barely had time to talk with his friends from high school, so eventually they lost contact for a while. He missed them more than anything. He missed Charlie's charisma, Meeks's curiosity, Pitts's empathy, Cameron's straightforwardness and Knox's kindness. But more than anything, he missed the feeling of proximity to Neil, the moments where their shoulders bumped and they wouldn't move but also the times their fingers slightly touched and they would jolt away. He miss the way he cared about the others, his passion for art, he missed everything about him. But perhaps he was different now. He had met new people and Todd knew he should've moved on by the time they got into college, but he didn't think he was able to.
One of the people Todd got the chance to get close to was Chris Noel. Turns out Chris was dating Ginny Danbury, who was taking Performing Arts. This sounded like a punch in Todd's stomach, the memories of Neil immediately flooding back. And to make this situation even worse, Ginny and Neil were best friends. Todd often used to hear stories about him when while hanging out with the two girls, and it didn't went unnoticed how bright his eyes became every time she mentioned his name.
Ginny still invited him a few times to visit the Performing Arts area of the campus, but something inside Todd made him decline. He didn't understand. Neil had been his best friend throughout the last year of high school and if there was anyone that knew Todd better than himself, that was Neil. But the sour taste of change switched Todd's alarm on. He was too scared Neil would be a different person now and perhaps the comfort he found in the old memories he held to close to his heart would be shattered the moment he saw him again.
That was until Charlie, after months of failed plans to meet up, finally managed to come up with something that all the boys could attend. Meeks and Pitts offered their shared apartment as the place to host the party without hesitating. Everyone was so excited to see each other after years.
Todd was one of the last people to arrive, hearing Cameron bickering with Charlie the moment he stepped in and a smile automatically bloomed in his face given the familiarity of the environment. He helped Meeks and Pitts putting down a few snacks on the table and Knox carrying the drinks from his car to inside the house. It is a lot, Todd thought, it's gonna be a long night, I see.
If anyone noticed how nervous Todd was feeling about the one person that hadn't arrived yet, they didn't bother him. One thing they learned about the boy was to give him space when he needed, otherwise that could result in a terrible breakdown.
The doorbell rang and Todd felt all the bones in his body tensing and his blood going cold. The boy he had been waiting so long to see walked in and Todd felt like running away but at the same time he stayed there, petrified. The smile was the same, the alive and passionate look in his eyes was still there, even when they crossed the room and landed on Todd. Something in them shifted. They go filled with happiness, relief for seeing him. As he dropped his stuff in a bedroom and started moving around the house like the others, Todd knew he wasn't the only one who felt almost as if a thunder had struck him.
After hours of drinking, singing as if that was their last night alive and watching the last fireworks blow up in the sky, they all gathered in the floor of living room as Pitts returned from his bedroom with a thick poetry book Mr. Keating had given him when he knew him and Meeks were moving together for college.
It was now 3am and the book was dropped on the floor, along with a very drunk and asleep Knox Oversreet. Charlie, also asleep, layed his head on Knox's thigh. On one of the couches, Cameron sat with his arms and legs sprawled across it. Before Meeks, Pitts and Neil could fall asleep, Todd took this as a chance to have a little moment for himself on their balcony. He crossed the living room, mouthed an "Excuse me." and went to the kitchen, where the balcony was. After sliding the glass door to close it, it felt much easier to breathe. Alone in a cold winter night, that was exactly what Todd needed.
One of the things he loved to do the most was observing. Observing people, animals, the sky, the moon, the stars. He didn't tell anyone, but he loved to mentally write poems about them, it helped him calm down. And while looking down for people and for the words to start a new work, he heard the glass door sliding again.
And that's where we stopped, so let's get back to it.
"You okay?" He could still recognize the kindness in Neil's voice, even after years without seeing each other.
"Just needed some fresh air." Todd simply said, turning back once again and looking for people on the streets under him.
"Is it okay if i stay?"
Todd just nodded and he wished Neil didn't notice how stiff he was, because the other boy definitely knew how Todd acted when he felt nervous.
Neil leaned with his back against the metal railing, elbows propped on it and Todd felt it vibrate slightly at the contact. He didn't realize how tight he was gripping it, but his knuckles had started turning white. Todd took this chance to look at Neil.
The boy had his head thrown back and Todd could feel him intensely trying to see how could each star connect to another in the sky at that moment. Something about this moment made Todd want to photograph it and hold the picture forever. Or frame it. Maybe sending it to an art gallery. How could someone shine brighter than all the stars in the sky together? And how was it possible that this someone was right in front of him?
Todd was pulled back to the reality, noticing that he was staring and even worse and better at the same time, Neil was staring back. He quickly looked back down at the street again, but not before seeing that perfect-neil-perry smile and feeling his insides becoming a fire that was almost impossible to put out.
A few minutes later, Neil joined Todd on his seeking something down the street activity. He didn't really seem to know what the other boy was looking for, but if this was a chance to be close to him once again, he would take it.
He leaned on the railing, searching on every corner of every street. "I didn't know you still did that."
"Do what?" Todd got suddenly confused at the affirmation that came out of the blue.
"Observe things. Get ideas and develop them inside that mind of yours." Neil gave him a small smile at kept looking for something down the street.
"I- How did you know?" The visible surprise on his face quickly gave him away.
Neil shrugged. "I guess I spent too much time around you. You're not the only person who observes their surroundings in our group." He nudged him lightly and Todd let out a small laugh.
"I thought I was being discreet."
"Maybe you were, I just payed too much attention." Todd rolled his eyes at that and Neil looked away, a grin on his face.
They spent a few minutes before Neil spoke again. "I've been meaning to ask you. All this time... You could've reached out. What stopped you?"
Todd turned to him, surprised at the sudden turn of their conversation.
"When people stop talking, they usually change. I was scared that it would have happened with you as well."
"Really? Out of all reasons and I didn't even think about that one."
"What do you mean?" Now a mix of confusion and angst was growing inside the boy as the tone of his voice got more serious.
"I just thought- Look, it doesn't matter. My point is-"
"Of course it matters, Neil! Are you kidding me?" Both Todd and Neil were visibly surprised at how his tone change, the latter looking at him and now taking a step back from the railing. "I was waiting for you to tell me what happened after all these years and you can't even talk about it?"
"Todd, listen to me. I want to tell you but I just don't know how and-"
"Come on! Just tell me what is on your mind, have you ever seen me judging you?"
"No but-"
"But what? Does it have something to do with the last day in Welton?" Todd was not leaning on the railing anymore. The tone of his voice had lowered, he felt like he had let out all the repressed emotions over the situation.
Neil visibly tensed at that and Todd could feel like his eyes were about to start tearing up, which Neil quickly blinked away.
"Fine. I'm sorry for that." He looked everywhere but at Todd, letting out a desperate sigh mixed with a sad laugh. "I shouldn't have even tried to kiss you without being sure of how you felt. And if that was the reason why you stopped talking-"
"Wait, wait, wait." Todd held up his hand, a confused look painted all over his face. "You thought I didn't talk to you anymore because you tried to kiss me?"
"So you know what I'm talking about?" Neil was even more confused at Todd now. "I didn't even know if you had felt it and I thought that all these years that would've been the main reason you didn't even try to reach out."
"Well," Todd let out a chuckle "and I thought that you didn't kiss me because you regretted even thinking about doing it."
Neil laughed and stepped closer. "Are you crazy? Every since the moment we met, I knew there was something special about you, Todd Anderson. I was also considerate of once we finished high school you would find someone else and I couldn't keep you trapped in the past."
"Either way you did kept me trapped in the past. If only there was a moment when I wasn't thinking about you." The wave of warmth Todd hadn't felt in years washed over him. He missed this feeling so much.
"Even at night?" Neil wiggled his eyebrows amusingly.
"Shut up." They both laughed and they were so close now that Todd could count all the small faint freckles Neil had under his eyes, erased by the winter sun.
Neil took one hand to Todd's cheek and slowly caressed it. "Close your eyes."
A smile grew on Todd's lips moments before he closed his eyes and felt Neil's lips pressing against his. It was exactly how he had imagined ever since they left high school, perhaps even better. His hands found their way to Neil's neck once again while the others's arms looped around Todd's waist, almost like their last time together. Neil pulled back for a few seconds, his lips glossy and his hair messy, and stared at Todd with that Neil Perry smile.
"What?" The blond one asked almost as a laugh.
"I just missed looking at you. I'm sorry for not reaching out." Neil gave him an apologetic smile and Todd could see in his eyes how he deeply regretted the past few years without seeing him.
"I should've talked to you as well. I'm sorry, Neil."
"I'm glad we could talk it out. It's okay now." Neil smiled once again, leaning in and Todd could feel the faint taste of champagne on his mouth, making him smile against Neil's lips.
Half an hour later, both him and Neil were sitting on the cold stone floor of the balcony, their backs against the wall, fingers intertwined and looking at the sky. "Maybe we should head inside again. It's getting quite cold, isn't it?" Todd shivered.
"You're right." Neil turned to Todd, got up and stretched out his hand. The boy took it and as soon he got up, the other spun him around and threw his arms over his shoulders. "A bit warmer?"
"Not in the slightest." The laugh of both boys was the only thing that filled the air at that moment. Todd started to slide the glass door again, but Neil literally jumped from where he was and held Todd's hand.
"Wait! I forgot something!"
Neil's alarmed face made Todd get alarmed too. "What is it? Did something happened-" He leaned in and shut Todd up with a quick kiss.
"Got you!" If there was something that could make Todd smile more than his favorite poem, a sky full of stars, or a full moon, it was definitely Neil Perry.
"You're so silly." Todd said quietly as he felt Neil throw an arm around his shoulder. He slid the glass door and they were both inside the kitchen now, lights completely turned off in the whole house. "I love you." He whispered, and he felt Neil's head quickly turning around, a breathtaking smile taking over his surprise face.
"I love you too." He said before letting go Todd's sholder, held his hand and slowly leaning in again to kiss his favorite person in the whole world.