Chapter Text
The midday sun shone happily through the windows of the sixth year boys dormitory.
“Moony." A sigh "I’m bored”
The sigh went unnoticed, yet the silence was short lived.
“Moooooony”
“Hmmm”, came a distracted hum in response. Remus sat by the little desk (He might have stolen from the common room) and wrote an essay about the second goblin rebellion or some equally boring subject Sirius simply couldn’t stand on principle. They didn’t have much time before class started but Sirius was determined to enjoy himself slightly before the simple torture of school, so he tried again.
“Moony I'm bored”
When that did not elicit a reaction in Remus, Sirius put on his best pout and puppy eyes in hopes Remus might feel his desperation.
“Moony, I’m sad.” he whined, and Remus immediately turned his gaze towards him. Sirius almost felt bad at the sight of Remus' worried eyes, but his worry was eased when the other boy simply gave an eye roll when he saw the expression on Sirius' face.
“No, you're not sad, Pads, you are bored.” he said and turned back the essay in front of him.
Sirius scowled.
“How come you know so much about my inner turmoil mr. Moony?”
Remus shook his head.
“You're only ever really sad if James has left you or when you're thinking of your old family, and in that case you are very quiet and not this annoying.” he stated.
The teacher’s pet was right, Sirius had to begrudgingly admit. Sometimes it was a pain to have the marauders know you so well. It was practically impossible to lie to them. Although they would argue Sirius keeps his heart on his sleeve. It felt good that Remus said it though. It felt good to know Remus notices him. These days it seems his attention is all Sirius wants.
It had always been slightly better when Remus showed him affection. Remus hugs felt slightly warmer, his compliments hit Sirius slightly more in the chest. In the beginning Sirius told himself it was because he was so happy to have converted Remus to the reins of friendship. For it had been hard; Remus was infuriatingly good at hiding whenever he wanted to, especially before he grew to the height of the quidditch stands. He told himself that Remus compliments felt slightly better simply because they were few and far between.
Sirius had figured it out last summer though, when a dream had made him wake up in a sweat and a clear notion as to what the nature of his infatuation with his friend was. It was hard to meet Remus’s eyes when he came back to school in September, but as the months rolled by and Remus never once slammed him against the wall and shoved his tongue down Sirius's throat like the Remus in Sirius’s dreams had done, Sirius attempted to not dwell on it. He took distraction to a new level and worked tirelessly on the marauders map and spent more time than ever listening to the other lovesick idiot’s increasing pining for a redhead than he did pine himself (If you didn’t count every minute of every day).
“Sirius?”
He was shaken from his thoughts when Remus suddenly sat next to him on the bed with a hand on his shoulder. Sirius quickly sat straight. Surprised by the sudden change of tone, he must've been more immersed in his thoughts than he thought. He took in Remus worried eyes.
“Are you alright?" Remus attempted, "I’m sorry I didn't mean- I thought you were joking.”
Remus lips twitched in a uncomfotable yet sympathetic grimace. Sirius knew Remus always had a hard time when people were in melancholy moods, it seemed as he felt more akward than anything else. Sirius had been joking about his mood before, but when he looked into Remus’, albeit slightly pained eyes and saw everything he couldn't have, he felt a pang somewhere inside his ribcage. A sudden desperation seemed to get a hold of Remus aswell, as a temporary panic drove him to open his arms and pull Sirius toward him. Sirius reciprocated immediatly. He clung hard to Remus’s back in hopes he could keep them there forever.
“Moony?” Sirius whispered into Remus’s neck, not sure himself where he was going with this.
“Mmm” Remus mumbled deep from his throat.
"Yea" SIrius replied with a breath. His secret a steady weight in his core. What he wouldn't do to stay forever in Remus's warm hands and arms. He would stay silent for a decade if it meant he could stay here. Remus hands were splayed across his back, holding him toghether, holding him safe. Sirius nose was tilted lightly into Remus's sweater, it smelled a homely blend of tea, wool and parchment.
"Your speaking nonsense" Remus huffed, a surpressed feeling in his voice.
"Yea" Sirius sighed and fell harder against Remus's chest
"But you're okay?" Remus mumbled
And he carded a slow and insecure hand into the small hair at Sirius nape. Sirius melted.
"Yea" he breathed, this time not even a whisper. He felt heavy, like he could fall asleep. He held Remus tighter across his back to tether himself to reality.
“Would you kiss me?” Sirius asked quietly.
Remus was so quick to remove himself from Sirius arms Sirius didn’t have time to be scared of how Remus' face would look before it was right in front of him.
Remus looked shocked and scared. Sirius tore his eyes from the sight immediately in shame to instead look at his fidgeting hands. His mind struggled to wrap around the kontrast of this moment and the second before. He had surely messed up. Six years of friendship. Would he be left by James as well? He would surely side with Remus? Sirius had just had him so close and ruined it in seconds. He felt very empty where he usually was full. Was Remus angry? Just take it back, he thought, just take it all back. He would do anything to only ever be friends with Remus now that he might be losing him. There were so many other consequences aswell. James. Sirius didn’t think when he impulsively asked and he kicked himself again and again thousands of times in the span of a few seconds.
“I’m so sorry. Moony. I didn't- mean… it was, I just meant-” he stammered, but what he actually meant was lost when two fingers under his chin tilted his head up and a pair of lips touched his.
Once Sirius realised what in Merlin’s name was going on, his brain nearly exploded, HE’S KISSING ME. When Sirius leaned into it, Remus made a little relieved sigh through his nose, it was the loveliest sound Sirius had ever heard in his life.
Everything suddenly felt right. Or perhaps it just felt; everything felt. The slightly wet lips Remus moved so devotedly against his own, Remus's strong hands on his hips, the way his skin prickled from the sensations. Remus pulled him closer and Sirius whined sharply against his mouth. Yet it wasn’t enough. Sirius pushed closer into Remus’s lap. And they were kissing damn- wow. Passion wow. ok, take- ok.
When they broke from it to breathe Sirius's breath was ironically stolen from him due to the sight in front of him. Remus had bright red lips slightly agape, his eyes glittered with pupils blown and his hair was slightly tousled which suggested Sirius had somehow touched it, although unaware of how his hands had wandered. Since Sirius couldn't breathe very well either way, he concluded this breathing pause abundant and reached to kiss the fucker again, but as Sirius tited towards him, Remus reluctantly looked away with a frown on his face. Sirius stomach which had previously been in the sky fell violently to the bottom of the ocean.
"Sorry- I didn't think" Remus whispered, slightly short of breath, but his words were clear and tainted with the bitter taste of regret.
"Sorry, what?" Sirius scrambled away from Remus to the other side of the bed, as his thoughts slowly berated his feelings of rejection. This couldn't be over so quick, he could have missunderstood or... Please don't break my heart, please. "Remus, do you realize, I-" He started
"We can forget it ever happened." Remus pressed. His words were short and decisive. His expression was hard to read as he had yet to look up. Sirius balked at the words. Don't you want me? As everything seemed to slow down a ball of all consuming despair formed in his soul and he was mortified to find his throat too thick to form words to break the growing silence. The whole dorm suffocated Sirius. The furniture and cobbled walls grew big and bloated and pressed down on him from all sides. He reached out for Remus's hand ty try and stay tethered, but Remus flinched as soon as he came near. He screamed for help from inside his skull, but he was falling. Kept falling from his body, from Gryffindor tower.
"We have to go to class" Remus said, his words surpressed between the layers of hurt, but Sirius had a hard time hearing, his ears rang and the world seemed to float away.
"Sure" he heard himself say and there was an uncrossable distace btween himself and his hands as they began to collect his school supplies. He saw himself pack his quill, parchment and books and leave the dorm without hesitation. He wasn't sure if Remus had stayed or already had left but the corridors were packed with students, all of whom Sirius gaze just floated over, never recognizing a single one.