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It has been a long and trying road for you and your husband. Of course, problems were always expected when you were married to the God of Mischief, but you never thought infertility would be one of them. You were always the one that all your friends thought would marry early, have a ton of children, and live a blissful, happy life with your family. But here you were, three years deep into your infertility journey.
Loki and you had met while you worked at the Avenger’s compound as a medic. You loved his intelligence, and he loved your caring nature; often feigning injuries just to spend more time with you until he finally confessed his undying love for you. Eventually you started a courtship and then after getting on one knee, he proposed, and you were married shortly after in an intimate ceremony. Despite Loki’s turbulent upbringing and traumatic experience when it comes to parenting (Odin, specifically, because Frigga was clearly not only a witch, but also a pure angel of the Nine Realms), he wanted to try and start having children with you immediately.
But you weren’t ready. You were a practical person, and you felt that you needed more time to enjoy yourselves as a married couple. You fretted about both of you being ready from having a home, to finances, etc.
All of which, Loki always replied with, “Darling, I am a God. None of those things are a problem and besides, Midgardians and Asgardian’s alike have children all the time in worse circumstances. We are in a good place, compared to most.”
It took a long while, but eventually he convinced you and after getting a promotion within the compound (despite the fact, that Loki insists he could take care of you – you wanted to have that independence and feeling of ‘pulling your weight’), you decided you both would start trying for a baby. Unfortunately, things did not go as planned.
You see, you already had concerns when it comes to infertility. Loki met you during a scary time of your life where you were dealing with the pains and struggle of endometriosis. The pain was debilitating and soon after you officially became a couple, and one too many google searches, you had to have the fertility talk with your brand new, Godly boyfriend. Carefully, and tenderly, he held you as you cried and shared your fears about what was happening to you. He insisted that it didn’t matter to him, your ability to have children or not, reminding you that he was adopted himself and he wouldn’t mind adopting children of his own. You knew in that moment that he was the one for you.
Then, a month after that heavy conversation, you had surgery to remove the lesions that tore apart your insides. He cared for you diligently, helping you walk from the bedroom to the bathroom, made you food, and overall, just pouring all his love and care on you. So, when that familiar pain came back a few months after stopping your birth control pills, fear struck you to your very core. You hoped the pain would go away, but it only got worse and after a very worried, and panicked Loki found you curled up in a ball on the floor, you finally saw a doctor. That started the run around of finding the right doctor that heard how you wanted to have children and putting you right back on birth control pills wasn’t what you wanted.
That’s how you ended up connected to your local fertility clinic. The goal was that you would have surgery to remove the suspected lesions again, and wah-la you would get pregnant right after on your own. Oh, how little did you know.
After routine blood work, things got way more complicated. Despite your young age, your ovaries were that of an older woman. You had barely had any eggs left to have a child and due to your condition, the eggs you had left were likely poor quality. This news absolutely wrecked you and having to tell Loki was far worse. Though, he took the news very well and he became your rock. You blamed yourself for everything. Of course, Loki’s sperm was tested, which was interesting due to the fact that he was God and a Frost Giant. The whole trip for him to the little room in the clinic with the little cup for his ‘little men’ was an adventure all on its own.
“This is so painfully awkward,” He said, calling you from the room. After you texted him some photos for his eyes only, his tune quickly changed. And of course, his sperm was as Godly like the rest of him. It only reminded you that you were the problem and you tried to push Loki away. You even tried suggesting he move on and find someone else since you were ‘useless.’
“Don’t you ever call yourself that again,” he said sternly, holding your face between his hands and peppering it with kisses.
“We will get through it together.”
So, it was you and him against the Hel demon that is called infertility. But it seemed like everything was a challenge for you both. Due to your diagnosis, they recommended diving straight into In Vitro Fertilization, or IVF, to give you your best shot at conceiving a child. Things did not come easy, though, as your body did not respond as well to medications as normal people would. The medications were shot in your belly, leaving bruises in their wake, to stimulate the growth of follicles on your ovaries. With each painful shot that he gave you, Loki whispered soft praises, but the guilt in his eyes every time you winced was not lost on you.
But you didn’t grow follicles like an average person would. You would grow a couple when the average woman would grow twenty or more. Loki began to dig into fertility magic as each appointment left you in disappointed tears, and even his magic seemed to be ineffective. All hope seemed lost, until you finally got to the point of having an egg retrieval and you were thrilled. You had five follicles and as they say, ‘all you need is one good egg!’. Yet, disappointment was still waiting for you both.
Most of those follicles that held precious eggs were empty. Despite having a record number of five follicles, you only had one egg. Still, with the unwavering positivity pouring from your princely husband, hope persevered. All you need is one good egg.
And thankfully that one good egg fertilized, but it was frozen so you could have another surgery to remove any suspected endometriosis lesions. Your doctors wanted the best home for your only embryo, and you agreed. Months went by and eventually you had another surgery, and just like last time, Loki cared for you as your body healed. Appreciation and love poured from you constantly, singing his praises on the daily. He would just chuckle, kiss the top of your head, and remind you how much he loved you and how he loved to care for you.
Then, after your surgery, the next trial was getting your body ready for the embryo. It seemed your body fought you every way and no matter what medications or protocols they tried, your uterine lining, or essentially the home for your future baby, would never get thick enough. Supplements, teas, dietary changes, you did it all to try and gain some sort of control over your situation. Loki was already a great sport about whatever lifestyle changes you wanted to implement; whether it was switching to a Mediterranean diet or helping you track your supplements. It took three different medication protocols, and a hell of a lot more shots, to finally get your body to cooperate.
It was transfer day! Your embryo was waiting for you and Loki held your hand during the procedure. Both of you wore your lucky t-shirts; yours said ‘wake pray, it’s transfer day’ and his, the cheeky God he was, said ‘My wife is getting knocked up today’.
“I swear, if they don’t put this embryo in me soon, I will burst.” You whined, needing to have a full bladder for the procedure. Loki grinned, kissed the top of your head, and tried to distract you from the pressure in your abdomen. Then, the doctor came in, inserted the catheter into your uterus, and with a flash on the ultrasound screen – your baby to be placed in your body.
That flash was nothing short of a miracle. It lasts only for a second. If you blink, you could miss it, but thankfully neither you nor Loki missed it. The flash filled you with hope – hope that would hopefully sustain you for the next two weeks as you wait to see if the embryo stuck and if you were, indeed, pregnant.
While you waited, you tried to keep yourself distracted with work and time with Loki. You both did all the traditional, old wives’ tales things, including eating a pineapple (the symbol for infertility and IVF) religiously right after your embryo transfer. Your dear husband fussed over you endlessly, insisting that he do most of the housework and that you just relax. Bubble baths and laughs filled your day-to-day life, until temptation got the better of you.
You took a pregnancy test.
You took it a few days before your official blood test, and it was negative. You had always found solace in your online forums, chatting with other people who are dealing with infertility. Of course, they insisted that things could change, and the blood test is much more sensitive and could pick up even on the faintest bit of the pregnancy hormone. So, you held onto hope yet again.
But it didn’t last as you got confirmation the day of your blood test; it was negative.
You weren’t pregnant.
After everything, after all the shots, after a surgery, and all the medications and pills, you were once again wrecked. Close to a year from your initial infertility diagnosis, you never thought things would end this way. Everything was supposed to be so simple. You would go off your birth control pills and get pregnant.
And with each challenge, you held onto hope like a lifeline. ‘This is bound to work’ you would say, but you were met with more and more disappointment.
It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.
It was another six months before you gathered the strength and courage to try again. You called in with the first day of your period, excited to start over again and give it another shot. After getting blood work done, you realized you couldn’t even start. Your hormone levels were off due to having a cyst on one of your ovaries. You couldn’t move forward with the cycle. Again, it was another devastating blow. Seriously, why can’t things go right for once?! You constantly wondered how anyone could get pregnant at all. Everything had to be so perfect for it to work.
And then things were delayed again, thanks to COVID sweeping the world. All elective procedures were put on hold and that included fertility treatment. It was several months before you got the okay to start again. Thankfully, this time around, your bloodwork came back great and so you started on the plethora of shots in your belly all over again. Honestly, you hated it, as some burned as they were injected into your stomach. Loki would blow cool air on your skin to soothe the burn and seriously, you were so thankful for this man, this God of yours.
But, like many of the times before, your body did not respond to the medications. You weren’t growing follicles like you were supposed to and so, they canceled the cycle halfway through. All that work, all that pain, for nothing. Then you got the fateful phone call from your doctor.
They are recommending you move on from trying your own eggs to getting a donor.
That news shook you to your core. You had always hoped for some sort of miracle, but everything they said made sense. They had tried different medications, different protocols, and nothing seemed to work. Your body fought against it, tooth and nail. But you weren’t ready to give up just yet. The following weeks were spent in front of the computer, diligently researching other methods of treatment, doctors, and clinics that may specialize with your situation. Until finally, you decided.
You would move forward with donor eggs.
It broke your heart to come to this decision, but ultimately, you just wanted a child with Loki; the love of your life. He had shown you a memory of him when he was a child through an illusion, and you loved seeing him as a child. His hair was always long, his eyes bright with budding mischievousness. You loved the idea of having a little Loki running around and you desperately wanted that. If you couldn’t have a part of yourself with the child, at least you could have a part of him and that was enough for you.
But that started its own plethora of challenges. You had to wade through profile after profile to find a candidate you resonated with. Ultimately, you decided on picking on whoever was available the soonest. Figuring his Godly genes would take over, it didn’t really matter what the donor looked like as long as they were healthy.
That was until you had to go through three different donors. Many of the donors are young as their eggs are the best at a younger age, and so they often don’t fully understand or appreciate their decisions. Cold feet were something that was common, but even your donor coordinator thought it was unusual for you to go through so many donors. Again, things weren’t easy for you.
Until finally, FINALLY, you found a donor that went through with their retrieval. You got the six eggs you were guaranteed, but only three of them fertilized. It cut your numbers in half and the pained look on Loki’s face when he heard the news broke your heart. There were questions about whether his Frost Giant genes would blend well with a mortal human, and this only confirmed it for your dear husband. You had the option to test the embryos for genetic defects, but you and Loki decided to give it a shot either way. Three embryos were the most you ever gotten and as Loki constantly said to you, ‘you never know. Miracles happen all the time.’
So, you started the embryo transfer process all over again. Again, you did the shots and after many attempts, your body was ready to go. With Loki holding your hand, you saw the familiar flash of life on the ultrasound screen. Hope swelled within you.
But it didn’t work.
Each loss was a devastating blow because each time you were convinced that it would work. It wasn’t even your eggs, how could it not? The strain of infertility also strained your relationship and your marriage. Loki, too, believed that he was part of the problem and his old insecurities of ‘being a monster’ began to bubble up. Despite the strain, one thing that was always constant, was your love for each other. On hard days, you would hold each other, cry if you needed, or yell or get angry at the unfairness of your situation. It was always you and him.
And with the second loss, your doctor switched tactics drastically. They pretty much threw everything but the kitchen sink at you in hopes to have the embryo stick. No one could figure out why your body kept on rejecting the embryos, so their answer was giving you a metric ton of medications. On a whopping thirteen plus pills a day, you felt like trash. Loki would lovingly scratch your head, run hot baths for you, and rub your feet as you moaned and groaned. Often you felt nauseous as your stomach fought against all the medications. He did a good job of hiding his guilt when giving you progesterone and blood thinner shots, as your body again was littered with bruises. The doctors had put you on blood thinners in case something in your blood caused the embryo rejection. So, with each additional shot and each round of blood work that you got every few days, you looked like you had been through ten rounds with a heavy weight. You always insisted you were fine, but Loki treated you like the most fragile thing in all the Nine Realms. He always was very protective of you, but seeing you purple and yellow, amplified it tenfold. If you were being honest with yourself, you found it endearing.
Again, you were convinced that this embryo would stick. How could it not? You were on so many medications. You were getting medications via an IV weekly. You were getting acupuncture. IT JUST HAD TO.
Until it didn’t.
This time around, you didn’t bother to take a pregnancy test ahead of time. The fear of the jinx was real, and Loki wanted to be with you when you found out. When the nurse called and delivered the bad news, silence filled the room. No tears fell. No angry words were spoken. You felt nothing anymore. Turning to Loki, your dear husband, who had nothing but love and admiration in his eyes, you simply shrugged. You were so used to disappointment. You carried on like any other day.
Then, they suggested surgery yet again. Endometriosis can be silent. So, even though you weren’t having any pain, there was still a good chance you had it and it was causing implantation failure. Having only one embryo left, you had nothing left to lose.
For a third time, you went under the knife and Loki cared for you afterwards like the other two surgeries. But they found nothing. It was bittersweet. On one hand, you were thankful that you were healthy, and on the other hand, you weren’t any closer to finding out answers. On the outside, you were always put together. Everyone who knew of your situation always commented on your strength and perseverance. The truth was, you constantly felt out of control, and it was so unsettling for you.
After your surgery, you got the green light to try again.
To try again one last time.
The medications started up again and you were on the same medications as before. The blood thinners, IV infusions, acupuncture, and pills. The bruises returned to your belly and your arms. But this time your body responded really well. Your uterine lining was the best it’s ever been! Hope started to rebuild within you. When you finally got the okay to move forward with the embryo transfer, both you and Loki celebrated with hugs, kisses, and happy tears.
That brought you to today. Transfer day! With a gentle squeeze, Loki held your hand like all of the other transfers before this one.
The familiar flash of life appeared on the ultrasound screen, and you were given a picture of your little bundle of cells; your baby to be. Looking at the picture, you both dared to hope.
Now, the only thing left to do was wait.