Work Text:
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Fingers brushing through hair, the strands falling neatly.
“Will things always be like this?”
“What do you mean?”
An index finger and thumb gently rubbing another’s earlobe.
“After filming and everything, will things stay like this?”
“… yeah.”
Everything goes silent.
A hand lands on a shoulder.
“Promise?”
“…”
The younger looks up.
“ZiHong?"
—
There’s a beauty about meeting your new favourite person, connecting with them, and having them become such a certain in your life. It’s more than the rush of slowly learning about them; it’s the eventual moment when you know you can message them about anything. It’s when you realise that you can’t imagine life without them.
It’s when you see something cute or weird and your first instinct is to whip out your phone, snap a photo, and send it their way. It’s that stability in knowing that you love them, and they love you, and that hardships can only be so tough when you’re facing it with someone.
It’s a beauty YU didn’t learn to appreciate until it was gone.
Not until his last-sent message to Sam was months ago, a searing text that left ash in his mouth. Not until he was curled up in his bed with tears falling as he itched to dial the number his fingers memorised - and will forever know.
Clichés are clichés for a reason, and YU did not realise what he had until he lost it.
Ding.
YU blinked. Ah, he was off in his thoughts again.
He looked down at his phone, sighing softly as he opened the message from Evan in the WBL cast group chat.
“明天見!”
See you guys tomorrow.
Groaning, YU placed his face in his hands and willed himself not to pack his bags and simply leave for the furthest place his bank account could take him. He did not want to film the variety show. Not with how things were between him and Sam.
Not with them being nothing but strangers who knew the taste of each other’s mouths; the embrace of each other’s arms; the all-encompassing warmth of each other’s love.
His ears perked up when he heard his hotel room door being opened.
“Why are you making so much noise?” His manager asked as she breezed into his room. He gritted his teeth. When did she get the key to his room? He had hoped he would have some more time to wallow in self-pity and sadness before having to be around her.
“I’m just tired,” he said, sitting up straight in his bed as she sat down at the table. She hummed sarcastically and YU caved into himself a little.
“Why are you here?” He ventured, and she leaned back against her chair, surveying him.
He hated those eyes that looked at him as if there were price tags on every part of his body.
“I’m here to discuss how you will act during the shoot tomorrow,” she said steadily, and YU felt something in him constrict. It was as he had thought then.
“There’s nothing much to discuss, I’ll just not interact with him.”
It’s not like I want to, anyway , he thought.
But his manager simply shook her head.
“We can’t do that. I need you to at least acknowledge him and be amicable with him.”
YU froze.
“Huh?”
His manager made an aggrieved sound, and YU felt, not for the first time, like he was nothing but a blubbering fool in front of her.
“We can’t have the crew members, the cast, and the fans finding out that something happened to the both of you, even if it’s only the shoot for the opening” she spat out, the word ‘something’ sounding like poison from her, “God, if only you had been sensible. Did you even think about what would happen?”
It was only when a stinging pain registered that YU realised he was clenching his fist and his nails were digging into the soft skin of his palm. He relaxed and looked down to find deep crescent indents. His nails weren’t even that long; short from filing them down to practice the guitar.
“It’s already over,” he forced out, voice wobbling pathetically. He felt his manager’s eyes on him as she scoffed and got up from her seat.
“Yes, and that’s the way it should be.”
The slam of a door.
A cry muffled by teeth sunken into knuckles.
-
It was difficult for YU not to stare at him as Sam entered his line of sight. Even though months had passed, YU felt the ever-present gravitational pull of his body to the older’s. At that moment, YU knew that if he were to survive, he would have to be Shu Yi pre-reconciliation.
He had to be able to look at the one he loved and pretend he didn’t. He had to look at the one who he was no longer together with and act like they never were.
He had to pretend Sam wasn’t a stranger, and that they didn’t know each other less than before they met.
He had done it once, surely he could do it again?
A chorus of greetings came from all the other guys and YU offered his own, stilling when Sam’s eyes flitted to him immediately. When a moment passed, YU offered a smile.
YU knew the smile looked real enough. He had learnt from a young age what it took to fake one. Smiles didn’t look real if you didn’t squint your eyes slightly so they closed just a bit. If you couldn’t muster a smile that showed teeth, don’t put too much force into it and just up the corners of your lips a little bit.
If you wanted everything to come together, it was always good to blink your eyes slowly as you smiled.
Those were some of the things he had taught himself growing up. He had watched how people faked their happiness and learnt to copy it himself.
Sam’s eyes narrowed and YU finally looked away. He released the tension in his cheek muscles and leaned back against the chair.
It was going to be a long day.
-
Okay, to be honest, it wasn’t as bad as YU was expecting. They were mostly separate from each other as they filmed their respective parts, and he was with Evan and Chihtian while Sam goofed off with Richard and Ray.
Sure, they stood around as a group at some parts and they met eyes a few times, but he was able to maintain his composure and resist his flight response.
But he couldn’t hide the melancholy smile on his face when he saw Sam do something particularly dumb. Or endearing. Or something that pulled at his heartstrings and had him begging himself to leave.
Now all he had to do was breathe deeply and listen to Qiao Jie tell them about how they were supposed to go to Tiannan, and then he could go back and lie face-down in bed -.
Why were cameramen barging into the room?
YU blinked confusedly as Qiao Jie told them they were going to leave now. And then his heart dropped to the pit of his stomach as the bags were passed around.
Oh no.
Oh no.
They were going on the trip nOW?
YU could barely think straight as Ray and Sam were appointed leaders of two different groups. All he could think of was ‘fuck’.
“I want to join the food team,” Chihtian said, and YU snapped out of his reverie.
Right, he had to choose.
“I think the equipment team would be more fun,” YU voiced out nonchalantly, and Evan quickly joined Ray’s team too.
YU ignored Sam’s glance his way.
He probably imagined it, anyway.
-
Needless to say, it was heaven-sent that they could go back and pack their stuff before leaving the next day because YU needed that time to internally plan a way out of this situation that he knew would never be put into action.
He was so distracted that he barely remembered to film himself packing like they had been instructed.
He wondered what Sam was doing. Was he humming a tune as he folded his clothes? Was he ignoring his tasks and playing with his pets instead?
Was he dreading tomorrow as much as him?
"Lin ZiHong, if you don’t start packing we won’t make it in time,” YU called out, voice lilting up at the end as his boyfriend held Pig Sister above the ground. Sam turned to him, smirking slightly.
“Will I? Aren’t you the one who didn’t want to wake up this morning?” Sam teased, turning the tortoise so that it was facing YU. YU smiled fondly, walking forward to take Sam’s victim from his hands to put her on the ground. On his way up, he moved closer to his lover, nose touching and lips brushing.
He let out a breath as Sam inhaled sharply. This close, they were breathing the same air. YU looked into Sam’s eyes, occasionally flicking down to look at his lips.
When his boyfriend finally moved forward to kiss him, the younger moved away, throwing him a cheeky smile.
“You’ll get a kiss when you’re done packing!”
YU had never seen Sam so adorably frustrated. With pupils blown wide and shoulders visibly rising and falling, it gave YU a rush of power he relished.
Worth it.
YU threw his shirt on the floor and turned to the wall, laying his head on it and trying to ignore the memories of a better time and the pain of the moment.
It would be okay. It was only three days and two nights – he had to make it through.
But it hurts.
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
-
Shopping with Ray and Evan was fun. To be honest, being with any of the cast members meant a great time. They were like his family in Taiwan; the people he could count on and that he knew would always make him smile.
In a way, this was his defence against his own emotions.
Surround himself with happy people for the next 72 hours and just maybe he will be able to make it through.
And yet, his heart still broke a little when Sam sat far away from him in the bus.
Logically he knew Sam had no choice. It was good that they were far apart, anyways: he didn’t want to be in close proximity with the older. He didn’t want to have his hands close enough to reach over and run them through that head of hair. He didn’t want to be close enough that he could smell the familiar scent of him without having to try.
He didn’t want to be so near yet so far from the one he loved.
Loves.
“This won’t work out, Yang YuTeng.”
“It won’t work out if we don’t try!”
“Enough! Are you even listening to yourself?”
“ZiHong, please-“
“Yang YuTeng-“
“Do you even love me?”
That one seat distance between them –
They’ve been hours apart by car before, but this one-metre distance felt like a chasm that would swallow him whole.
–
The question directed to YU about his agent made his blood curl.
He felt sick.
–
If there was one thing YU realised throughout the first day of the shoot, it was that ignoring Sam was almost impossible. It wasn’t that he couldn’t not speak to the older man, and it wasn’t that he had trouble keeping his eyes off him; it was the fact that he felt Sam’s presence so profoundly, even when they were far apart.
And YU thought it would be okay. As long as they weren’t left together, everything would be fine.
And then, of course, they had their first proper conversation. Standing in front of a bunch of cameras before the cooking table, YU found himself face to face with Sam.
He took a deep breath and remembered his manager’s words.
While all he and Sam did was have a brief discussion about how to make kimchi, YU would look back on this moment and realise that this is where he let his walls down.
The moment Sam bent over and laughed, even if it sounded fake to him, was the moment he let his walls down just a bit.
He was, is, and would always be weak to that laugh.
—
Life was cruel. YU learnt that as a teen growing up and feeling all alone. He learnt it again when he and Sam were left to cook, the both of them at either side of the table as if an invisible wall separated them.
But then again, maybe there was a wall. Invisible as it may be, but tangible all the same.
One made up of arguments, of yelling, and regrets swallowed down by stubbornness and sadness.
One made out of YU’s love.
Working side by side with Sam felt wrong after their time apart. Yet, it felt as if nothing else could be more right. It was as if they were transported back to a time when it was just them.
When they knew each other inside-out.
They were in the kitchen. No words were being said. There was only a comfortable silence as the both of them worked.
YU paused mid-stir, turning to look at Sam. Not for the first time, YU wondered how he got so lucky.
Ignoring the meat in the pan, YU let his eyes trace his partner. From the tuft of hair that he didn’t brush out this morning to the way his muscles moved slightly as he chopped the scallions, and to the way his fingers masterfully cut the vegetable into slices.
There was something so wonderful about it all. The way YU, a nobody, had managed to not only score a lead role in a show, but also a caring and undeniable handsome boyfriend for himself.
It was almost too good to be true.
But he had to know one thing.
“ZiHong?” YU said, voice coming out smaller than he intended. Almost immediately, the other looked up, eyes concerned and brows furrowing as he looked at YU.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, placing the knife down and wiping his hands on his apron. The apron that matched YU's.
Sam had bought it for them on a whim.
“Will you…” YU started, but his voice trailed off when he realised that there was no way for him to breach this topic without a fallout. He just got Sam, did he want to lose him so soon?
“Yang YuTeng, what are you thinking about?” Sam asked, voice taking a joking tone. But he wasn’t fooling YU.
YU took a deep breath.
“Would you still love me if I was asexual?”
There was a silence as Sam studied him and YU tried his best not to look away.
“Are you?” Sam prodded.
YU pursed his lips and then nodded.
Sam nodded in return.
This is it, YU thought, heart sinking, this is where he tells me that he wants to break up because I will never be able to satisfy him with only kisses and aversion to sex and –
“After we eat, don’t forget to let me know what your boundaries are, okay?”
YU blinked as Sam grabbed his hands. He watched as Sam’s thumb traced over his knuckles. He didn’t understand what was going on.
“You – you don’t want to break up with me?” YU forced himself to say.
Sam made an expression that can only be described as one of aghast as he pulled YU into his arms.
“傻子 (idiot). I don’t love you because I want to bed you. No, wait, I do want you in my bed, but we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. We can just cuddle and be together. No need for sex, no need for all that, no need for kissing as well.”
At that, YU made a high-pitched sound in the back of his throat, pushing Sam back by the shoulders.
“I like kissing!” He exclaimed.
The surprise in Sam’s eyes lasted only for a brief moment before a smirk graced his lips.
“Yeah?” Sam asked, voice low and soft before he leaned forward, parting YU’s lips with his and swiping a tongue along his bottom lip.
“Okay?” Sam asked when they parted, and YU only pulled him back in, hands creeping up to his neck to play with the strands of hair. He pulled Sam closer, nibbling on his lip and kissing it softly afterwards. Sam sighed, nudging his nose into YU’s and smiling.
It was only when he registered a burnt smell did he hurriedly push Sam away.
“The meat!”
But now they stood apart, feet firmly planted where they were. Where they would’ve laughed once, and where they would’ve looked at each other and smiled, there was only silence.
It would probably be passed off as concentration during the release of the episode, but YU knew better.
It was the silence of two people whose last encounter ended with heated words thrown at each other.
—
As luck would have it (luck is such a sly thing), he had ended up next to Sam in their sleeping arrangements. Of course he had.
Snores echoed throughout the tent but all YU could focus on was his breathing.
In, and out.
In, and out.
Just the way Sam had taught him.
This was the second night they were sleeping next to each other. During the first, YU had instantly knocked out. And could you blame him? The day had been fun but exhausting to the point where he could care less where Sam was sleeping.
But now that he was more awake, the other was all he could think about. He stared straight up, blinking in the dark.
There was something peaceful about being surrounded by it. The quiet, somewhat cold atmosphere of the night. The feeling of being suspended in time - as if tomorrow may never come.
It wouldn’t be so bad, YU thought, to stay in this moment forever.
Hearing a rustle beside him, he turned and came face-to-face with the man he loved, eyes meeting. Sam froze, but YU just kept looking, blinking slowly.
Sam hadn’t seemed to have stopped himself from looking at YU too much over the past two days, so he was going to let himself soak in the sight of the other man one last time.
He was as gorgeous as YU remembered. Even in the dark where YU could barely see, the sparkle in his eyes as they wavered brought a wave of nostalgia back to him.
YU knew that look. He’d seen it in his dreams for months after they had broken up. He had seen it as he rewatched their promotions together.
He’d recognise Sam looking at him with love in his eyes anywhere.
But those eyes didn’t always hold affection and adoration in them. They didn’t always reflect exasperated fondness and amusement at YU’s antics.
There was a time when YU was scared to look into them at all.
Those eyes that normally showed love and affection had grown cold and distant as of late. YU didn’t know why, but sometimes when he met Sam’s eyes, the only thing he could feel was worry, and an ache in his chest that normally bloomed with hope and fondness.
“ZiHong, do you want to-,” YU started, only to freeze when Sam turned those aloof eyes onto him. Was this the Lin ZiHong he loved?
But as quickly as it came, Sam’s eyes softened, and he reached a hand out to YU.
“Yes, Yang YuTeng?”
YU allowed himself to be pulled into the other man’s arms, burying his nose into the crook of his neck.
“Mhm, it’s nothing,” he whispered, wrapping his arms tight around his lover’s waist.
He felt the arms around him tighten and he relaxed into the embrace.
A silence.
“I love you,” Sam said. YU’s chest constricted: those three words sounded so final. Like a goodbye. So heavy. So genuine.
“I love you too.”
Three days later, they ended things.
Recalling that moment, he suddenly found it a little harder to breathe. And so he asked it.
The question that he had been wondering all along.
“How did we become like this?” YU said softly, loud enough for only Sam to hear. He felt his bottom lip wobble as Sam’s eyes widened.
YU watched as Sam shifted. The frown on the other’s face was so out of place from his usual happy demeanour. YU had put it there.
Biting down hard on his bottom lip, YU took a shuddering breath and turned away from Sam.
“Forget it,” YU forced out, voice breaking slightly.
“YuTeng, I-“
“Good night ,” YU sobbed out, before clasping a hand over his mouth and squeezing his eyes shut.
Two days. He had only been able to hold out two days before he broke down. He shrugged off the light touch on his arm and curled in on himself.
He bit on his palm, urging himself to stop crying as his shoulders shook. He caved in, shoulders hunching and legs coming up into a feral position.
You’re okay , he told himself as he forced himself to breathe, you’re okay .
–
YU was, decidedly, not okay.
After the filming was done, and after he was given a talking to by his manager about how he ‘better not get up to anything funny with ZiHong again’, YU had been given a break from work.
He was a responsible adult, but more importantly, he was a stupid adult.
That’s how he found himself in his living room surrounded by cans of beer. Tilting his head back, he scrunched his face as the liquid went down his throat. It was meditative, in a way, to go through can after can until he slowly lost the ability to feel how much he was hurting.
He was having withdrawal symptoms. Or at least that was what he was calling it.
Seeing Sam smile and laugh, and having a few moments where he could laugh genuinely around him in the guise of it all being an act for the camera, losing himself in the moment and forgetting who he was and enjoying Sam’s company -
It only made YU remember what he lost; someone he truly loved, a relationship where he was truly happy, and a constant that he never knew would stop being one.
To be honest, YU still didn’t really understand how everything had gone so wrong. When he thought back to it, it’s true that there was something that had been simmering on the surface for a few weeks. Yet, it had slapped him in the face with the ferocity of it.
Distant looks. Discussions about how they were both celebrities. Talks about how YU was just starting out and how he had so much left to accomplish.
He felt like he understood everything that was said.
At the same time, though, it was all cryptic messages to him. Was he always this naive?
Cryptid messages.
Haha.
Hahah!
HAHA!!
HAHAHAHAH!
YU burst out laughing, giggling uncontrollably as tears poured down his face. Cryptic messages! He and Sam used to interact in ways that people labelled it as such.
Quick smiles at each other between takes; inside jokes that no one could make head or tail of; eyes that said more than needed during times when words weren’t sufficient.
God.
YU pulled his knees to his chest, sobbing into them. Loud and ugly cries echoed off his walls.
God, it hurt so much. He missed Sam so much.
He just wanted to be held.
To be told that everything is going to be okay. That it’s okay that he lost the person who his heart yearns for every second of every day. That it’s okay that he can’t seem to breathe no matter how much he tries to expand his lungs.
He needs someone to tell him that it will be okay, that he can be okay, because he already spent a few months alone anyway.
“YuTeng?”
Sam’s voice rang in his ear, and YU smiled slightly, though the tears didn’t stop. In between all the crying, he had reached for his phone and dialled his number.
It was as simple as breathing to him.
“ZiHong,” YU sang softly, hiccuping as he wiped at his eyes, “I miss you.”
There was a pause before Sam replied.
“Yang YuTeng, how much did you drink?”
YU let himself grin. Wide and unrestrained. Choosing to ignore him, he continued.
“I miss you so much and,” oh, why were the tears welling in his eyes again, “and I -“
And then nothing. All YU could do was cry. He cried because he missed Sam. He cried because he wanted to be with Sam. He cried because he loved Sam.
He screamed because he didn’t know if Sam ever loved him.
“It’s so hard,” YU stressed, words slurring together, “Everyday I wake up and wonder- and wonder what I could’ve done to make you stay. I replay every fight, every conversation, trying to see if I missed any signs.”
Slowly, hysterically, YU’s voice was rising.
“Tell me what I did wrong, ZiHong,” YU pleaded, “tell me so that the next time I love somebody even a fraction as much as I love you I won’t make the same mistake. Let me know what made me so unloveable that you didn’t want to give us a chance. Help me, please. Help me, help me, help me.”
YU vaguely heard Sam saying something into his ear. He knew that his deep voice was murmuring sounds of comfort, but what was the point if he wasn’t here with him?
With a yell, YU threw his phone at the wall, not caring that it sounded like the whole screen had cracked. He leaned back, wiping at his face as he opened another can and started to drink again.
—
A knock on the door.
YU blinked blearily, eyes coming back to focus. In his hand was another can of beer. How many had he drunk? He tried to count the cans lying around him but he kept forgetting what number he was at.
Another knock - tsk, who was banging on his door?
YU groaned as a voice rang from outside his apartment.
“Yang YuTeng, are you there?!”
YU froze for a moment before slowly getting onto his feet. His heart started to race as he stumbled to the door.
Sam. Sam was here.
Why was he here?
He reached the door and fumbled with the knob, frowning as Sam continued to rattle the door on its hinges. With all his energy, he threw the door open.
YU stood there and just looked at Sam. The older looked haggard, eye bags prominent and hair in a mess. His eyes had a wild look that softened when they finally landed on YU’s.
And then YU remembered - the call. And all at once, the anger and sadness that he had felt not only forty minutes ago came rushing back.
“What are you doing here?” YU mumbled, making to close the door. Sam’s foot was already at the doorway though.
He had predicted what YU would do.
“YuTeng, are you okay?” Sam asked.
YU scoffed and started giggling again.
“Okay? I’m fine! I’m great!” He exclaimed, throwing his hands to the side. He didn’t even flinch when his right arm slammed against the doorframe despite how much it hurt. But Sam did. Sam instantly reached for YU’s hand and held it away from the wood.
“YuTeng-“
The warmth of Sam’s hand reminded YU so much of all that he no longer had. The way his fingers slid over YU’s made him ache because he knew that this would be nothing more but the last time they touched. He snatched his hand back and slipped slightly, and would’ve fallen to the ground if Sam hadn’t reached over with a yell and caught him before he had hit the ground.
“小心一点!”
Be careful.
For some reason, those words were what made YU snap.
Be careful? Why was Sam still saying those words? Telling him to be careful in that voice, as if it was just another day in the past when YU had accidentally dropped something or tripped on the sidewalk? What was wrong with him to still feel like a chastised child, one so full of love, at the older’s words?
YU was tired. Tired of pretending he didn’t want Sam near him.
He didn’t want to pretend that he didn’t yearn for Sam’s hand on his. He couldn’t bring himself to pull away from the awkward position they had found themselves in; Sam’s arm wrapped around his waist as YU tilted slightly.
Maybe if YU gave him more, more than the everything he had given him, then maybe Sam would stay. Maybe Sam would understand that YU was willing to fight the world for him.
For them.
Turning, he looked deep into Sam’s eyes. He was frowning, and YU brought his thumb up to smooth it over. As soon as Sam had relaxed, YU leaned in and slotted their lips together.
It wasn’t anything more than dried lips pressed against each other. But it was still enough to make Sam stop in his tracks and for YU to hear the blood pounding in his ears. YU pulled back and searched Sam’s eyes. They were fixed onto him, as if trying to burn YU into his memory. His lips were parted in shock, and YU glanced down at it before pushing Sam against the wall and kissing him the way he wanted. All encompassing. Hungry.
Desperate.
Sam’s arms came to hold YU firmly at his waist as the younger tangled his hands in black hair. YU held Sam still as he swept their tongues together, little moans escaping from both of them. Their chests pressed together as if there was no reason on Earth that could make them separate. Sam’s hands pressed into YU’s back in a way that made YU feel loved.
But YU pulled back, not even stopping to breathe. He was on a mission.
He pressed his knee between Sam’s legs, mind reeling to find him half-hard. Sam jerked and pushed YU back by the shoulders.
“Yang YuTeng?” He asked softly, eyes concerned. But YU ignored him as he dropped to his knees, hands immediately coming up to fumble with Sam’s pants.
“YuTeng?!” Sam shouted, trying to push YU away as he tried to take Sam out of his shorts.
He could do it.
It didn’t matter if the thought of taking Sam in his mouth made him want to gag.
It didn’t matter that he never wanted to know how a penis tastes.
“YuTeng, wait, hold on-“
It didn’t matter that Sam would probably fuck his mouth and it was going to be so uncomfortable. That it was going to hurt and he would never be able to get rid of the feeling of his mouth being abused.
It didn’t matter that YU was going to hate every second of it.
“YuTeng, why are you doing this -“
As long as he could - as long as he could show Sam how serious he was, then maybe Sam wouldn’t - maybe Sam wouldn’t -
“Yang YuTeng, stop!”
YU gasped as the words seemed to send lightning through him. Dazedly, he looked at where his hands were and felt disappointment course through him. Sam wasn’t even hard anymore.
And then the tears fell. Slowly at first, and then all at once. He felt himself being folded into a pair of arms. He couldn’t help himself as he reached for Sam’s shirt and grasped at it for dear life.
He sobbed. Deep, wretched sobs that shook not just him but the one holding him as well. He screamed into the junction of Sam’s shoulder, curling into him.
“Why?” YU asked, and it came out in three parts as he cried, “I thought that if I did that, you’d love me again. But you didn’t even - you didn’t even -“
“Shhhh,” Sam said, voice low and rumbling in his chest as he pat YU’s head soothingly, “I’d never want to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“I wanted to!” YU shouted, and tried to push Sam away. But Sam just held tighter until YU slumped into him again.
“You didn’t,” Sam whispered, nose in the space where YU’s shoulder met his neck. His lips brushed the delicate skin there.
“You were trembling so much and I could see you didn’t want it.”
YU merely squeezed his eyes at that and chose to say nothing.
A few moments passed as YU continued to cry. He had cried so many times these few days, but no matter how much he let it out, it seemed like his heart always had more to give and more to break.
“I love you.”
YU stiffened.
“I love you so much, Yang YuTeng.”
YU looked up sharply when he heard Sam’s voice crack at the end. Eyes closed, tears were escaping from behind Sam’s lids as his bottom lip quivered. YU shook his head slightly, disbelieving.
"You don't. You left me the moment you could."
It was the truth.
“I never wanted to leave you, I -“
A hiccup.
“I never wanted to make you feel like I never loved you. God, I love you so much, I just -“
Sam’s hands had come to grasp YU’s. They were shaking, and YU could only squeeze them as he tried to make sense of what Sam was saying. The place where they touched, and YU didn't know whether he wanted to hold Sam tighter or pull away.
“Did you not believe we could withstand the industry?” YU whispered down at the floor, only to flinch when Sam shook his head vigorously.
“No!” He shouted, bringing both of their hands to his lips as he kissed them. YU’s heart flipped.
“No. I believed in us more than I had ever believed in anything. I had told my company that I loved you and that if they didn’t support us I’d just leave. I was willing to let go of everything for you.”
Sam took a deep breath and came to a stop.
“But then what happened?” YU prodded him.
Silence.
“Your manager,” Sam whispered softly.
And suddenly, everything made sense.
Pursing his lips, YU brought Sam into a hug.
“I’m sorry,” Sam sobbed. YU tried to blink his tears away.
“I love you,” Sam continued to say and YU felt as if he was hearing those words for the sfirstame time.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” YU asked brokenly, hurt and anger bubbling inside him. But more than that, he just felt happy. Happy for what he did not know.
“I’m sorry,” Sam cried, and YU lost it again, burying his face into the older’s neck.
“I love you,” YU whispered, voice hoarse and wet..
“I love you too,” Sam sobbed back.
And yes, nothing had been fixed between them. YU had been hurt - had been kept out of the loop and cried himself to sleep for months.
They would take awhile to recover from this. They were two grown men crying on the floor just a few steps from the door, for god’s sake.
But it was okay. And really, it was. Because there were no more walls between them. No more gaping distances that separated them. They had each other in their arms, and while that may not be much, for now, it was more than enough.