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beside you on the bed, the squirming limbs freeze as fingernails dig into the mattress. you audibly sigh as she sits straight up and gasps loudly; she is drenched within a cold sweat and as you lay there, you notice that her breathing is labored just as it was when she was sleeping. just when you think the tremor has passed through her, she lets out a bloodcurdling scream as both of her hands clutch her head. with handfuls of hair, she screams until her voice is hoarse and you let her. this is a nightly occurrence ever since the accident.
“i’m drowning.”
“no, you are in bed with me.”
her voice is almost inaudible when she speaks, but you just stare at the ceiling as reply to her. this is mundane, mechanical, familiar to the both of you. you sigh as she holds herself together. if you sit up and attempt to wrap your arms around her, she will hit you away with a terror in her gaze that causes fear to pool in your core, so you hold yourself away from her and let her hold herself together instead. it works better this way. “drowning, drowning, drowning,” she mutters to herself, and you turn over in bed so you don’t have to watch the way she falls apart. her dreams may be nightmares, but this reality is your nightmare. sometimes you wish she really was drowning.
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don’t forget
forget
don’t forget
forget
your hands are grappling onto any part of her that you can reach; she’s drenched and unresponsive. so easily could she slip from between your fingers, but you pull and tug until she’s laying, beached, next to you. you are shaking from a cocktail of adrenaline, anxiety, and fear instead of the frigid winter air. goosebumps spread over her porcelain skin as the cold air strokes her and brings her a step closer to death. within seconds, your lips are over hers as you struggle to pull the water out of her lungs. every sputter of yours is a prayer spoken to the highest power: spoken against the god of death.
don’t take her from me.
she expels water, then gasps as her consciousness returns and all you know now is survival and how to keep her alive. your mind fumbles wildly as you wrap your arms around her in preparation to carry her back home, but all you can recall is the way she screams when you touch her and swears that your touch burnt straight through her. maybe you were cursed or maybe she was, but either way, she hasn’t looked at you evenly since. even though she still loves you in the daytime.
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she’s heavy in your arms as you carry her. another sleepless night with her screaming reverberating off the walls ended with her falling unconscious in a pile on the end of the bed with your wondering gaze checking her for injuries that she may have created herself. you find none and you pull her out of bed as you carry her in your arms. her weight weighs on you as you traverse through the forest and find yourself lost within the darkness of the night as it consumes you greedily. the godlike blood that runs through you sluggishly helps you calm the storm within you as you descend towards the familiarity of a river. a sister one to the river that had threatened to take away otonashi’s life before.
when you make it there, you watch the surface for the longest time; she doesn’t move in your arms except for the loll of her arms as they hang down awkwardly. if she opened her eyes, then she would come straight for your throat out of fear, but you know that this is the right thing to do as you step forward cautiously towards the water. it never ripples nor breaks and is so dark underneath the moon that it appears to be otherworldly.
it breaks when you set her down on the surface; she falls victim instantly as the water parts and hungrily swallows her. your darkened gaze watches her face as her body plunges into oblivion. lethe; forgetfulness, you hope to cleanse her soul from all the pain that she had been cursed with, but she doesn’t open her eyes as she slips below the surface and you fear that you will lose her as the water fills her lungs. your eyes flicker back and forth as you try to find her, but she never rises and when you reach into the depths you recoil empty-handed.
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when you return to bed, you tear at the sheets until they are scraps of fabric and you beat your fists into the springs of the mattress until you feel satisfied. you burn the piece of shit burden until it is a pile of ashes sitting within your home and you curl up on the couch as the overwhelming urge to tear yourself apart assails you from all sides. you don’t know how many times you can absolutely fuck up, but this has to be the messiest seeing as she had slipped straight through your fingertips.
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i hope your home,
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morning light slots itself through your windows and you stare her in the face as she stands with a towel wrapped around her body and questions tumbling from her lips. “yasuke,” she gasps and falls to her knees before you; you sit up too quickly and the pounding in your head causes you to feel momentarily nauseous. her hands clasp your hands and she peppers kisses onto them. when you cry, she doesn’t ask you why; she simply leans up to kiss the tears away and then to press a soft, lingering kiss against your lips. this almost feels foreign, but the way she trips on her way out of the room is reminiscent of how she’s always been.
but when night falls, she clasps your hands again and questions tumble from her lips as she tries to figure out where she is and who she is. she smiles at your through her tears and she’s saying your name, but she cannot remember her own and you kiss her as a fire burns deep within your chest. she’s no longer screaming, but her tears are bittersweet against your lips. “i love you,” she keens into your mouth with lidded gaze as your hands hold tight to her waist.
“i love you,” you whipser in reverence to this woman that you have always loved and will always love.
with moonlight in her hair and dew on her fingers, realization dawns on you that she’s lethe. you created the personification of forgetfulness, of the beautiful river full of secret murmurings; her lips quiver against yours before she pulls back to draw a hesitant breath and her eyes are so full of devotion to you that you melt within her gaze. “stay with me forever,” she whimpers, “never leave me.”
you know you can’t promise that to her, but you press kisses against the expanse of her skin and swear to her that you would protect her so long as you could. the words never leave your lips, but you imbrue them within each gentle press of your lips against her and when you pull away, there’s the ghost of a blissful smile on her face.
don’t forget
forget