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Neil had been dead for four months. The other Foxes seemed to have moved on, though Andrew knew that wasn’t quite true. Dan still got teary any time someone did something slightly too much like Neil. Kevin still froze on the court when he went to pass to a person who would never be there to catch it. Nicky still left the room whenever he saw a funny video he’d usually share with Neil.
None of them were over it, not really. Andrew still hated them for pretending that they were. He hated them when they started looking for a striker to take Neil’s place. He hated them when they said it’s what Neil would’ve wanted. Neil would’ve wanted them to make it to championships. Neil would’ve wanted them to move on.
Neil. Neil. Neil.
Andrew wakes up with his name on his mind. Andrew goes to sleep thinking about the last time they’d kissed, the last time they talked. He survived Binghamton, he survived Riko, he survived Ichirou, why couldn’t he survive this? Every waking hour, he thinks about Neil and he hates it. He hates that he let himself hope he could have something more with Neil. Neil knew he wouldn’t survive for very long. Andrew knew that too, yet he still let himself fall. He didn’t stop himself when Neil tripped him. He didn’t catch himself on the way down. It was stupid.
Stupid. Stupid.
Four months turned into five months. Five months turned into six. Soon, the anniversary of Neil’s death came around. Andrew couldn’t bear to look at the other Foxes. They had started smiling again, laughing. Meanwhile, Andrew didn’t talk that much anymore. He spent time with Kevin, so that he wasn’t not alone. He went to therapy with Aaron. He let Nicky drag him places.
It’s what Neil would have wanted.
But Neil was gone. None of those things would ever bring him back. He started to realize that around the one year mark. He started looking around at everyone’s grins and laughs and simply broke. He couldn’t be around them anymore, no matter how much Neil “would have wanted it”.
Whatever. It didn’t matter.
On the actual anniversary, Andrew decided to drive out to a lookout point he and Neil would go to when neither of them could sleep. He remembered telling him about the different constellations in the sky, what they were meant to be and the stories behind them. Neil always listened so intently, like he didn’t want to miss a word of what Andrew was saying. Like Andrew’s words were the only thing in the world that mattered.
Andrew remembered wanting to take him to see the perseids. He had told him small parts of the myth of Perseus. Mostly, he wanted to wait for the meteor shower to tell him the whole thing, as the ancient Greeks did. He wanted to see the wonder on Neil’s face as he told him about the golden shower that turned out to be Zeus then pointed at the sky as if to say “Look, there he is. That’s him.”
Fitting that the peak of the perseids this year landed on the anniversary of Neil’s death. He wanted to take Neil last year, but their arrival was too late. He had already been snatched up. Already gone. They wouldn’t even let them see the body, no matter how many threats Andrew made.
At first, the fact that he hadn’t seen the body gave Andrew hope. Neil would come back. Why else would they bar him from seeing it? But Andrew knew what Nathan’s men were capable of. He knew what they did to people, especially what they would do to Neil. Perhaps there wasn’t enough body left. The thought made him sick. He pulled up to the lookout spot and quickly opened the car door, heaving out the side. Nothing came out, not having eaten anything but small snacks in days.
Once his body stopped fighting him, he got out of the car in favor of laying down in the grass. It was late, but Andrew wasn’t tired. For once, he wasn’t tired. It was almost a miracle. He watched the sky and waited for the steaks of light to appear, trying his best to ignore the empty space beside him. He’d come back here a handful of times in the past year, but he never got out of his car, and he never stayed for long either. This was the first time he’d felt the grass underneath him in a long time.
As the sky filled with gold specks shooting across it, Andrew felt a lump form in his throat. He hadn’t cried in so long. He didn’t cry when Neil died, when he finally accepted his death. To tell the truth, he still hadn’t fully accepted that Neil was gone. He still held his breath whenever the door to their dorm opened. He still expected him to run into the locker room with an apology for being late. He still expected it to be a joke, that eventually Neil would pop out and say “surprise!” Andrew hated surprises, but it was preferable to the pain spreading through his chest.
He had to sit up when the tears started to blur his vision. He hated them with a ferocity that rivaled his grief. His breath hitched and he pressed his palms to his eyes. He couldn’t take it. Couldn’t take this feeling that was building up inside him, that had been building up for months. Eventually, he just screamed. The sobs racked his body as the screams ripped through him. He yelled at the universe, at the perseids that Neil should’ve seen. He should’ve been here with him. He should’ve been hearing about how Perseus was born, about Andrew’s take on Medusa, about all of the different gods that helped Perseus along the way.
The sobbed quieted down. It was a miracle that no one heard him. He let his head fall in his hands as he attempted to catch his breath. Why was it so hard? Why did letting someone in for once lead to this?
Would it kill you to let someone in?
It almost did last time.
He needed to start listening to himself. If he did, he wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t be in so much pain. Pain he thought he’d left behind. Pain he thought he couldn’t feel anymore. What was the point of it? To prove he was human? That didn’t matter to him. He was a monster and he always would be. Maybe Neil thought differently, but Neil was gone now. What did it matter if Neil was gone?
He heard footsteps approaching from behind him. Quickly, he wiped the tears from his eyes and held out a knife. Someone emerged, someone impossible.
“Wow, they really are beautiful.”
That voice, that voice .
Andrew threw the knife. The all too familiar face dodged and it embedded itself into a tree. Andrew wasn’t actually aiming it at him, of course. He just wanted it to go away.
Because it was an it. A hallucination manifested by his grief.
I’m not a hallucination .
He was now. The thought almost made him want to laugh. Neil Josten stood a little ways away from him with his hands up. He was a little bit worse for wear, but he was there. Even in the dark, Andrew could see those piercing blue eyes. He missed them so much. Part of him wanted to indulge in the dream, but he didn’t. He wouldn’t.
“This is just cruel,” he said to himself as the Not-Neil stepped forward slowly. Andrew pulled out another knife. The Not-Neil stopped in his tracks. “Leave,” he told it.
“I thought you’d be happy to see me,” it said.
Hearing him speak hurt so much more the second time. Andrew felt his eyes blur. “Leave,” he said again, voice cracking.
“Andrew. Andrew, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back to you.” The Not-Neil moved forward, seemingly uncaring about the fact that Andrew still had a knife in his head. Or did have a knife in his hand. He hadn’t realized he’d dropped it to the floor.
Andrew dropped to his knees, the tears streaking down his cheeks again. He wiped them away furiously, but they just kept coming. The Not-Neil knelt down in front of him. His eyes were watery, like he was about to cry as well.
“What do you have to be upset about? You’re not even real,” Andrew asked.
Neil let out a soft, sad laugh. “Seeing you sad makes me sad,” he said. “But I promise I’m real. I promise I’m not a hallucination.”
“You are a pipedream.”
Neil’s mouth quirked up into a small grin. “I missed you, you know. When I was in England. That’s where my uncle took me after he found me. Apparently, they’d managed to cut off one of my legs at the knee.” He pulled up his pant leg to show Andrew the prosthetic. “I passed out from the pain, woke up in my uncle’s flat. For obvious reasons, I couldn’t get out and Stuart didn’t want me to call anyone. I couldn’t get my hands on a phone until I finally ran and by then, I didn’t think any of you would believe a phone call.”
Andrew watched him as he talked. It still seemed unreal. The tears blurring his vision weren’t helping either.
“You still don’t believe me, do you?” the Not-Neil said sadly.
Andrew shook his head. He knew that if he started talking again, he would break into sobs.
“What would it take to prove it to you?” the Not-Neil asked. Andrew didn’t, couldn’t, respond. “Can I… can I touch you?” He raised a hand to Andrew’s shoulders and waited for a yes. Andrew nodded. At least, he wasn’t the one reaching out. At least, it was Neil. At least, it was the Not-Neil.
Though, when he felt Neil’s hand on his shoulder, he all but tackled him into a hug. It was really him. He was really real. He’d still have to have his teammates confirm it, but Andrew was almost sure that this Neil was real. Andrew buried his face in Neil’s shirt and let himself cry. Neil’s hands made their way up Andrew’s back. One resting just between his shoulder blades and one carefully cradling his head.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Neil whispered.
Andrew clutched at the fabric of Neil’s shirt. “Shut up, it wasn’t your fault.” He pulled back and cupped Neil’s face in his hands. Neil did the same, using his thumb to wipe away any excess tears from Andrew’s face. “What did they do to you?”
“The leg was the worst of it. There are some extra scars for the collection, but nothing too bad. They were just rogue Butcher’s men. They’re dead now. I’m… I’m safe. At least from them.” Neil leaned in the slightest bit. “I’m sorry I was gone for so long,” he whispered. “But I’m back now.”
Andrew closed the distance between them. He kissed Neil like he’d disintegrate if he let go. It had been over a year since he got to feel Neil’s lips on his. Neil’s hands on his face, in his hair.
Neil. Neil. Neil.
They pulled apart. Andrew couldn’t stop the “I love you” that came out of his mouth. Neil had said it to him before, but Andrew never said it back. He didn’t know how, even though he always felt it in the tug of his heart whenever Neil was around.
Neil grinned and kissed him again, short and soft. “I love you too,” he murmured. “I love you so much, Drew.” He pulled Andrew back into a hug. Andrew let him. He was tired again, but a good tired. He wasn’t fighting with his existence anymore. All he wanted was to fall asleep in Neil’s arms. It would’ve been almost too easy.
“How’s your leg feeling?” Andrew mumbled into Neil’s shoulder.
“It— It’s okay. I still get phantom pains, but it’s alright. The doctors said I should be able to play again after a while. I just have to train a bit more. I’ve been running lately, but not like I used to, you know?”
Andrew hummed.
“Let’s not talk about my leg anymore. Can you tell me about Perseus? That’s what you wanted to tell me during the meteor shower, right?”
And so Andrew did. He didn’t want to talk about the pain he’d been through that past year either. They’d have time for that at a later date. It was a rooftop conversation. It was a conversation to be had safe in bed, late at night. It wasn’t a conversation for the stars to overhear. So, Andrew latched onto Neil’s side as they laid in the grass, watching Neil’s face as he told the story. He was right about the way Neil’s face lit up at the mention of the golden shower. Andrew thought it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.
Eventually, they would have to go home. Eventually, Andrew would get confirmation that he wasn’t imagining things. Eventually, Neil would be hauled away by the rest of the Foxes and Andrew would have to let them.
But, for now, he could simply watch as Neil reacted to the story he told, feel Neil’s heartbeat under his hand, a reminder that he was there, that he was alive .
He could have Neil under the stars for just a moment longer.