Chapter Text
~oOo~
December 1998
"Most years the entire precinct is as silent as the grave," Elliot overhears Munch telling Olivia during a coffee break. "They call it 'on duty', but really Christmas day is paperwork, napping in the cribs, and waiting for the clock to indicate home-time."
"You bothering my partner?" Elliot interrupts, looming over Olivia's shoulder and peering at the two mugs in her hands. "One of them for me?"
Olivia has been his partner for just over half a year now, and it's the easiest working relationship he's had in his entire career, despite not even wanting to accept a new partnership when she first arrived. From day one however, she's had his back, and he could even call her a friend beyond the ties of the precinct, or so he'd like to believe. She's incredibly competent on the job, and their sense of justice but also of humor have connected them in a way he hadn't expected when he first shook hands with the determined yet fresh-faced 'Detective Benson' from eight months ago.
Olivia rolls her eyes at his question, raising a mug without comment and handing it across to him. He takes it from her gratefully, inhaling the coffee as the strain of their already-ten-hour shift begins to make itself known.
"I was just telling Olivia about the fun we'll be having this 25th," Munch tells him, leaning back against his desk and darting his eyes between the two of them. "I guess I'll have your lovely partner all to myself this year."
"You're on shift this Christmas?" Elliot asks her directly, surprised that it hadn't come up before. Olivia is not someone to share many personal details about her life, but she'd been opening up to him in the last few months. Now as he reflects back, he realizes that whenever he had been describing his own Christmas traditions with Kathy and the children, she had always found a way to change the topic of conversation before she was required to share her own.
"Yeah," she confirms, nodding and taking a sip of her coffee. "Doesn't seem like much of a hardship though, from the way Munch describes things."
It's almost expected that the newest member of the team takes the hit at Christmas during their first year, so Elliot shouldn't feel as bad as he actually does, wondering what plans she would have otherwise had, if she hadn't been stuck down at the station. He knows she doesn't have a large family, but perhaps she likes to spend time with her mother.
"Well," he says, to lighten the mood, even if he's the only one seemingly bothered by the situation. "I feel sorry for you, not because you have to work on Christmas, but because you have to work with Munch for a full shift. Cruel and unusual punishment for the newbie, I say."
"Heeey," Munch says, wrinkling his nose and dropping back into his chair dramatically. Olivia laughs at them both, and then heads back to her own desk, pausing to knock her fist gently against Elliot's shoulder.
"Don't worry, I'll be your partner again after Christmas," she tells him with a smirk. "You won't have to learn to share."
Elliot huffs in response, ignoring the implication that he doesn't like his partner working with other people.
The fact that Olivia has to work over Christmas leaves his mind over the following few days, as a case takes up all of their attention. But as the 23rd of December comes to a close, and he's facing several days at home with chaotic celebrations, presents, hyper children and noisy family members, he is abruptly reminded when Olivia pulls his stack of paperwork onto her own desk, and winks at him.
"A present for you," she announces. "I'll use your paperwork for entertainment this Christmas."
He waits until she is distracted by some weird conspiracy discussion with Munch and Cassidy for a moment, before slipping out of the station for ten minutes to the grocery store. It isn't much by any means, but he manages to find a brand of instant coffee which is of far better quality than the sludge served at the station, and he figures this will at least help her through the day.
He keeps the jar of coffee tucked in his pocket, and when they are finally collecting their coats to go home, he gestures for her to go on ahead.
"Be there in a second," he says, nodding at the lifts, and hovers until she disappears from view before placing the jar on the desk along with a post-it note with a scribbled "Merry Christmas — E" attached.
In the days following the holidays, everything is back to normal, and the only update Olivia provides about her Christmas on duty is that it was 'quiet'. Elliot hesitates about describing his own family celebrations, but he soon realizes Olivia enjoys hearing about it all, asking detailed questions until she hears a near blow-by-blow account of his Christmas day. She says nothing about the coffee, and he doesn't ask — almost forgets he left it for her, in fact.
It's two months later before he spies the jar again. It's a late night in the precinct, and he left five minutes earlier to go home, before realizing he had forgotten his keys on his desk. Olivia is still in the station, and as he walks in, he sees her hide something guiltily behind her back.
"Ah, it's only you," she says, her shoulders lowering, and he sees her bring the coffee back around. She notices him eyeing the jar, and shrugs in response. "I don't like to share good coffee."
~oOo~
December 1999
"So, what are you doing this year?" Elliot asks her directly, after she's deflected the topic one too many times. She can feel his gaze boring into the side of her head, despite staring resolutely out the front window. They're scheduled to be on this stake-out for at least another three hours, and she knows he is sensing her avoidance.
"I'm on duty," she admits, not entirely sure why she hadn't wanted to confess, except for the fact that she knows for some reason this will bother him. True enough, his first reaction is to frown heavily, and shift in his seat so he is facing her more fully.
"Again?" he asks, fingers almost tapping her forearm before they retreat to safety. "Usually, we rotate so people don't have to do it several times in a row."
"Well, it's not like I have family to spend it with," Olivia says, and then immediately feels as if that is a pathetic thing to have confessed. "I mean, I'll celebrate a couple of days afterwards, it's no big deal to me."
"What about your mother?" Elliot presses. She bites her lip, and then shrugs. Her and Serena have a long-standing agreement to avoid seeing each other on Christmas, after one year that went spectacularly wrong. Now, they meet on December 27th — a date which has no pressure or expectation, where they can have dinner and talk without making it mean too much more, and where Serena tries to be as sober as possible. Olivia is grateful they have built their own tradition, which works for their imperfect and tiny family unit.
"I'll see her afterwards," she reassures him. "Really, El, it doesn't mean the same thing for me as it does for you. I'm just glad you get to spend time with Kathy and the kids."
He sighs heavily, and then leans over enough that he can bump his shoulder briefly against hers as they both go back to concentrating out the window, on the hunt for their suspect.
"As long as you don't try to fall on your sword for me," he says grumpily. "When it's my turn for Christmas, I'll take the shift and you better enjoy the time off."
"Sure, partner," she says, but it's with a teasing tone. She won't be promising anything, especially because she knows she'll take his shift next year and make sure Cragen doesn't allow him to book the hours.
When the Christmas duty finally rolls around, she enters the office to find Munch already there, leaning back in his chair and reading a book. She's just pulling off her coat when her eyes spy something perched on the corner of her desk — a familiar-looking jar of coffee, once again adorned with a post-it note from Elliot. She tries to hide her smile as she feels Munch's eyes dart across the room to her face.
For the rest of the year, she will use this coffee sparingly, for some reason enjoying prolonging the moment before it is finished. But for Christmas, she enjoys multiple mugs of the caffeinated fuel, allowing her to get through an uneventful shift. Munch spends the entire time engrossed in his story, surprisingly quieter than normal, and she carries out her own tradition — finishing up all her leftover paperwork, as well as working through Elliot's stack.
~oOo~
December 2000
Kathy has given him a long list of tasks to complete before Christmas this year, including picking up specific presents for Lizzie and Dickie that have been placed aside at the toy store, and Elliot can feel his stress levels rise just contemplating how he will manage to complete everything before the 25th, when he's expected to be home with the family.
"I don't know what you mean," Cragen had told him, straight-faced and serious when Elliot had informed his Captain that it was his turn to take the Christmas shift this year. And when he had tried to protest, Cragen had ordered him out of the office with a pointed finger, and a brisk "talk to your colleagues if it's so troubling for you."
He had tried to talk Olivia out of it, but one of the reasons they made such a good team in the first place was thanks to his partner being just as stubborn as he was — perhaps even more so — and so despite his best efforts to be a team player, he is again able to spend the holidays at home with the family. And now, two days before Christmas, she is helping him cover his ass yet again.
"Give me your credit card," she says without much patience, her fingers waggling in the universal 'hand it over' signal as he rummages around in his pocket. "You take the cash and buy Maureen's present, and I'll pick up the twins' toys with the card."
They're standing outside a mall, using their precious few lunch minutes to try and knock off a few items from his to-do list, and he's practically never been as grateful for his partner as he is right now, even including the times she has had his back in confrontations with criminals.
"Thanks again," he says weakly, as they eye the seething mass of people entering and exiting the mall.
"Come on, Mister Detective," she says with a smirk. "I'm sure we can survive the Christmas shopping crowds."
Twenty minutes later, and they are meeting up again outside the shops, Elliot carrying not only his daughter's present, but also some food as a reward for both himself and his partner. Olivia spies him through the crowd, and her smile is so blinding that he almost halts from the impact.
"I'm feeling grateful that I don't have any Christmas shopping myself, after dealing with this," she laughs, and it's a joke from her perspective, but the full meaning of the words hit Elliot all at once. Serena's funeral had only been three months ago, and Olivia now truly is alone in the world when it comes to relatives. She had told him after last Christmas about her tradition with her mother on the 27th, and now she wouldn't even be able to enjoy that time with someone.
He takes a deep breath, pushing those thoughts aside for a moment, and instead raises his hand that is carrying the food.
"I bring a peace offering," he half yells over the noise, and her eyes light up at the prospect when she spies the restaurant's name on the side of the bag.
Christmas comes and goes as usual in the Stabler household, with overly-sugar-fueled children bouncing around with excitement, endless cooking in the kitchen, mountains of wrapping paper, and services at church which finally bring some calm to the proceedings.
Elliot had left the usual jar of coffee on Olivia's desk for her duty, but this year it doesn't seem like enough. On the 27th of December, when he's supposed to be back on duty but his partner has a day off, he sneaks out of the precinct and drives over to her apartment. She doesn't answer when he rings, so he waits patiently until he sees a figure walking slowly down the street towards the building, recognizing her even from a distance.
"Hey partner!" he calls, stepping out of the warmth of the car and into the frosted air, his breath puffing in a cloud in front of him. Her eyes are slightly red, and he knows without asking that she's visited Serena's gravestone beforehand.
"What are you doing here?" she asks, confused. "I thought you and Fin were supposed to be on duty today."
"I'm breaking all the rules in order to bring my partner some very important supplies," he announces with a flourish, leaning into the back of his car for a moment and gathering up a bag. "Let me in?"
She unlocks the front door, and they stand side-by-side in silence in the lift before they reach her flat. Once inside, she watches him curiously as he takes his time to hang up his coat, take off his shoes, and make himself at home for a moment.
"Cragen won't miss me," he says with a shrug, failing to tell her that Cragen had given him a nod of understanding when he caught Elliot leaving work. He unpacks his bag slowly, covering her sideboard with cookies and Tupperware containers of leftovers.
"I had far too much food for lunch by myself," he says, with an air of innocence that he knows she doesn't believe for a moment. She opens her mouth, clearly intending to argue, and then shuts it again, reaching into a cupboard to find some plates instead.
Neither of them mention Serena's name, or Christmas, or anything about traditions, but instead they have a casual conversation about work as they eat. By the time they are finished, Elliot is gratified to see Olivia's eyes are no longer rimmed with red.
~oOo~
December 2001
Christmas in New York seems slightly unusual this year, with the fallout of what happened in September still being felt several months later. At the same time, it's as if some people want to overcompensate with celebrations, trying to bring as much cheer and joy to the world as possible. Kathy Stabler is clearly one of these people, and Olivia is staring, perplexed, at the invitation to a Christmas lunch.
"Ah yeah, I told Kathy you might be working that day," Elliot says, leaning over her shoulder and peering down at the invitation laying on her desk. "But we'd like it if you did come...I'd like it."
Olivia has every intention of not attending a large Stabler family gathering for Christmas, the entire prospect seeming too daunting to face. But when she goes to Cragen to announce her usual intention of working the Christmas shift, the Captain stares at her silently for a long moment, and then shakes his head.
"I believe we work on rotation here," he says smoothly. "And you've done this duty for three years in a row already."
She knows what he is saying is bullshit — that he had no issues before with her working Christmas, understanding that this is something she prefers to do. But this year, Fin and Munch are down on the duty sheet, and Olivia suddenly finds herself with no excuse to avoid the party. She tries to think of some other reason, but Elliot's quiet reminder a few days beforehand, iterating the fact that he'd like to see her there, finally makes her bite the bullet and accept the invitation.
It's the first time in a long while where she isn't working over Christmas, having taken the same shift as a uniform officer in the years before joining SVU, and it feels strange to put on a red dress and heels, and catch a cab to the Stablers' home.
Stranger still is having to face the party once she arrives, with a house that is brightly lit with Christmas lights, loud carols blaring from the stereo, and a large mix of people who she doesn't recognize, except for the Stabler kids running around along with additional small children.
"Olivia, you made it!" Kathy's voice is overly-enthusiastic, and Olivia has to remember to smile and not just thrust out the bottle of wine she has brought with her.
"Thanks for inviting me," she manages to get out, before she is being ushered into a room full of loud chatter and too many people. She manages to stay a while, mixing politely with whomever she is next introduced to, as well as a couple of other police officers she assumes are from Elliot's time in the force before her arrival.
Finally, she manages to slip into a corner, nursing a glass of wine and taking a quiet breath.
"Hey Liv," Elliot says, leaning against the wall beside her. It's the first time they have managed to get a moment to themselves, Elliot otherwise playing dutiful host next to his wife, and she sinks towards him for a moment, relieved at the company.
"Hey," is all she says in response, but that is enough. They stand there in silence for a while, before Elliot is called away again, and Olivia lasts only a short while longer before she manages to say her thanks and escape.
She spends the night at home, her flat silent and bare from decorations, and it's a reflection of her life now that this feels far more familiar and comfortable in her eyes. She vows that next year, she will ensure she is back on duty — that is now her Christmas tradition.
~oOo~
December 2002
It's Christmas Eve, and Elliot can barely stand to be around his family.
It doesn't matter that IAB cleared him from shooting Kendall, or that the man had brought shame to the NYPD by being a dirty police officer. The fact that he had used Elliot for suicide by cop still sits heavy in his mind, and he can't shake off the feeling despite it being a few days later.
He had spoken to a shrink about it, as ordered by Cragen, but Olivia's words rang true - that it didn't help much, to alleviate the strain of having to kill someone, even on the job.
And now, he is expected to put all of that aside, and get in a bright, Christmassy mood, with cheery music and decorations, children with expectations and a wife who needs him to help make their day tomorrow magical. It's a daunting task, and he can barely get through breakfast without snapping at Dickie to be quiet, or telling Kathleen that she can't yell at her sister so loudly. Instead, he quietly washes up all the breakfast dishes, staring into space as he finishes his task, and then goes to find Kathy.
"I'm going out for a while," he says, and she stares at him for a long while.
"Alright," she says, and he knows it isn't alright by the tone of her voice, but he needs to find a way to cope with everything running through his mind right now, especially for Christmas day, and he won't find it at their house.
The drive to the precinct is also quiet, and when he enters, Munch is nowhere to be seen — most likely napping in the crib.
Olivia has her feet up on her desk, a pose she would never normally be seen in if anyone else was around, and there is a level of peace that washes over him when he looks at his partner, sipping her coffee casually and reading a magazine.
He clears his throat, unable to say anything in that moment, and her eyes shoot across to his in surprise.
"El?" she says, dropping her feet and instantly coming to stand before him, coffee almost sloshing out of the mug in her haste. "Is everything alright? Kathy? The kids?"
He nods quickly, not wanting her to get the wrong impression.
"Everything is fine," he says in response to her questions. "I just...I…"
He doesn't know how to continue, so shrugs instead. She eyes him for a moment, and then pushes him gently so he is sitting in his usual chair, with her leaning against his desk.
"El, I know this is tough to work through, but you just have to process it in your own time," she says softly, understanding without the need for his explanation. "And no-one here judges you if you take a while to sort it out in your own mind, or if you need to use therapy for longer."
He snorts at this, and crosses his arms defensively.
"You were right with that," he says. "It didn't help much. And taking time doesn't really work when I have to put it all aside for Christmas. Usually, it isn't so difficult to separate home life and work."
Olivia sighs, staring over his shoulder for a moment and clearly thinking through how she wants to respond. He waits patiently for her to react.
"I'm guessing you didn't share the details with Kathy," she says, holding up her hand when he goes to interject, as if she doesn't need him to confirm her suspicions. "I don't think you really to, either. At least, not yet, not if you're not ready. But El, you don't have to just be this pillar of strength for your family always. Family is also a source of strength for you too."
He tips his head back at that, gazing up at her as she turns her eyes fully back to his. The way she's leaning against the desk has almost shifted her to standing between his legs, and for some reason, he has to push down an urge to bring his hands up to her waist. He blinks, and moves the thought aside.
"How do I do that?" he asks, and it's such a broad question, one that he should be able to answer himself, considering how long he has been both a husband and a father. But Olivia's patience with him is endless, and she just smiles slightly.
"Go home and hug your kids," she says, reaching out to pat his shoulder. "Hug your kids, hug Kathy. Let them help you feel the Christmas joy, not the other way around."
He nods slowly, reflecting on what she's telling him.
"Thanks Liv," he says eventually, standing up and at once, their positions are reversed again, with him peering down at her. Her face is relaxed and open, without the stress he usually sees when they're on the job, and he thinks about how she has no-one to go home and hug herself.
The precinct is still quiet, Munch nowhere in sight, and so he reaches out carefully, hands landing on her upper arms and then drawing her in close. She hesitates for a moment, then wraps her own arms around his waist, her head tucking into the side of his neck for a brief moment.
"Merry Christmas, Liv," he tells her, nose buried in her hair.
~oOo~
December 2003
Christmas seems bleak this year, despite it usually never being a very important date in her calendar. Perhaps that is due to the fact she can no longer text Alex for a girl's night out, grabbing drinks and discussing work, their lives, and any random topic they think about, and so her world of friends feels just that little bit smaller. Every year, Olivia is always reminded at Christmas how few friends she has around her, and how everyone in her life has other people waiting for them at home, or at least wanting to celebrate the holidays with them.
Even Munch this year has a date, and has arranged to be on call instead of down at the precinct, so Olivia knows she'll be facing the day alone.
At least for Christmas Eve, Elliot is on duty with her. They managed to close a case mid-morning, and so for the afternoon, they are enjoying the feeling of accomplishment that comes with arresting a perpetrator, even if they know the road ahead won't be so easy for his victims. Elliot has made them two mugs of her 'special' coffee, bringing in a new jar for her just that morning with a smile on his face, and they are both relaxing at their desks, writing up their paperwork and occasionally making a random remark to prompt the other person into laughing.
At last, Elliot throws a balled-up piece of paper her way, where it bounces off her shoulder. She raises her eyebrow at him, without taking her eyes away from her monitor.
"I have something for you," he tells her, throwing another small ball of paper, and this time they both watch it ricochet off her lamp and slide across the floor under Munch's desk. They silently agree to leave it there.
"What is it, El?" she asks, and he seems in such a good mood that her musings over bleak Christmases and having no family are pushed into the back of her mind.
He doesn't respond, bending down instead to rummage through a bag at his feet. He emerges after a moment, holding a Tupperware container up in triumph, and thrusts it towards her over their desks. Olivia takes it with trepidation, shaking it slightly to hear the rattling inside, and then peeling off the lid to peer within.
Inside sit a pile of cookies, covered in brightly colored icing that looks as if it had been haphazardly spread on, in an attempt to decorate the Santa and reindeer shapes.
"Maureen made them," Elliot says with a soft smile, and Olivia picks one up to smell the rich ginger sweetness coming from them.
"They smell delicious," she says, and truly means it. Elliot fidgets for a moment, and then blushes.
"Imayhavedecoratedthemmyself," he blurts out.
"Sorry, you what?"
"I may have decorated them myself," he admits, and Olivia's eyes grow wide in sheer joy.
"I have Elliot-Stabler-decorated cookies?" she asks, bringing the container closer to her chest in excitement. Elliot's neck flushes red in embarrassment.
"Yeah, well I won't quit the day job to become some artistic person," he admits. "It's not exactly a strength of mine."
Olivia shrugs in response, her smile not dimming in the slightest.
"I dunno, Stabler," she says in a commanding tone, placing the lid back on the container and gently placing it on her desk alongside the coffee jar. "I feel that just makes them extra special."
In the end, Christmas is not as bleak as she feared it would be, and she spends the day nibbling through a large pile of cookies decorated especially for her, and drinking the 'good' coffee that she has come to expect every year. In amongst Elliot's paperwork, she leaves post-it notes with random musings and comments that entertain her, and she knows will make him laugh when he discovers them.
In the late afternoon, her phone lights up with a text.
Merry Christmas, he messages her, and she smiles.
Merry Christmas El, she sends back.
~oOo~
December 2004
Elliot is in a foul mood.
It's the first time in decades — since he can truly remember — where he won't have Christmas with his family, won't be able to wake up on Christmas morning to watch his children open their presents from Santa, won't be able to have a meal together, or hugs from his children, or attend church as a family, or anything that makes Christmas a joyful time of year.
Kathy is still at her mother's, and they have decided, with Elliot's grudging agreement, that it is best for the children to have Christmas there, especially since it's a long drive between that house and Queens. He'll have them for the 26th instead; logically, he knows this is only one day after, and it shouldn't make much of a difference, but emotionally all he can think about is not spending time with his children on Christmas.
In reaction to this, he signed himself up for duty on the 25th instead, figuring it would be better to keep busy rather than feeling sorry for himself in an empty house. He could have pushed for Olivia to take the time off instead, but selfishly, he would much prefer to spend time with her instead of Munch any day of the week, but especially on a day where he is struggling.
When he arrives for work that morning, he can't shake off the grumpiness that had settled into his entire body from the moment he woke up in a dark and quiet house. Olivia shoots him a smile and a quiet 'Merry Christmas' when he shuffles up to his desk, but he only grunts in response, dropping heavily into his chair and glowering at his computer screen.
Their morning is spent in near complete silence, with few emails coming in, and even fewer phone calls. Elliot can't help but tap heavily on the keyboard in annoyance whenever he has to send a response.
Olivia supplies him with cups of coffee and the occasional store-bought cookie, but otherwise leaves him to sit unbothered at his desk, clearly wary of triggering his mood any further, knowing how upset he is over not being with his family for the day.
There is a tiny fake Christmas tree sat just between their two desks, adorned with a couple of small glass ornaments. When he had first arrived in the office, it felt as if it was mocking him, highlighting the absence of a large, heavily decorated tree in his own house. But as the morning stretches on, and lunchtime approaches, he finds himself staring at the ornaments, puzzled. It doesn't seem like an 'Olivia' thing to have, this tree sat in the middle of their desks, nor does he ever recall seeing it in one of her drawers, as often as he roots around in them trying to find additional pens or empty forms.
Suddenly, he has a realization that perhaps she had bought this for him instead, knowing how much missing Christmas properly had affected him.
He sighs, letting go of his bad mood, and then scribbles down a note on a piece of paper, gently tossing it over towards his partner. Olivia lets it bounce off her shoulder, and roll across her desk slightly. She eyes him for a moment, and then, at his nod, uncrumples it.
"Yes, to lunch, and yes to you paying," she announces, reading his question. "I know a place that's open today."
She stands, grabbing her coat, and he's quick to follow. As they wait for the lift down, he bumps his shoulder gently against hers, turning his head to look down at her.
"Sorry I was in such a bad mood this morning," he says apologetically. She shrugs carelessly, but he can see the corners of her lips turn upwards slightly.
"Apology accepted," she says lightly, and then he feels a brush of her fingers against his forearm. "I understand how disappointing it must be, El."
He thinks about the 'special' coffee she has willingly plied him with, the cookies she probably bought just for the purpose of sharing them with him, and the tiny tree on their desks. The smile he directs her way is genuine.
"If I couldn't be with my family, I'm glad I could be with you," he says, and the return smile she provides fills him with warmth.
They go to a tiny deli a few blocks down from the station, with a questionable exterior that makes him think he may get food poisoning, but the food inside is delicious, and the ambience is calm. It's not the large, fancy Christmas dinner he's used to having, but the company is great, and he thinks he can almost get used to this as an additional tradition around this time of year.
~oOo~
December 2005
Usually, Christmas is actually a quiet time of year, with cases suddenly increasing with depressing regularity just after the holidays instead, as if the good cheer and alcohol have combined to bring out the worst in people.
This time however, it does not appear as if they will be given a break, and are indeed mid-case when the 25th arrives.
Elliot had his children for Christmas Eve this year, and through to the morning on Christmas day, so they can do presents and stockings and breakfast together before he takes them over to Kathy's. Olivia is glad to see her partner is much happier by the time he arrives at the office, still surprised that he even booked to be on duty at all for the day.
"Can't abandon my partner during a case," he had told her, when she questioned his decision. "Besides, we gotta have our lunch at the usual place."
The 'usual' place had only been for last year, but she can't complain about the fact that they seem to already have a Christmas tradition set in place. It's the first one she's had since her mother died, and she guards it close to her heart, trying not to appear too happy about the fact that she'll be spending the day with the person who means the most to her in life.
She had dug out the tiny Christmas tree again, which had otherwise sat forgotten at the back of her desk drawer, with the slight hope that it would be needed again for this year. When Elliot spots it, he smiles and digs around in his pocket.
"I have something for this!" he says, pulling out a small and ugly pinecone decorated as a Santa and hung on a string. He places it triumphantly on their tiny tree, and Olivia laughs at how pleased he seems with himself.
They spend the next few hours concentrating hard, wanting to push the case forwards and not being lazy purely because it's the Christmas shift. By the time lunch rolls around, they've outlined some leads that can be followed up for the afternoon, and especially the next day when people might be more amenable and willing to share details when disturbed in their homes compared to today.
"Come on, I'm buying this time," Olivia announces eventually, when her stomach starts to growl loudly enough to be heard by the both of them. Elliot feigns a shocked expression, and she punches him on the shoulder without bothering to be too gentle. "Hey, I pay sometimes."
"Yeah yeah, you're a poor Detective too," he grumbles, prompt enough to be wearing his coat already, and holding hers out so she can slip into it.
They go to the same deli, but this time order the food to go, for some reason both of them wanting the privacy that the quiet precinct is providing for the day. The food gets spread out across Munch and Fin's desks.
"If it leaves any crumbs, serves them right," Elliot announces, leaning back in his chair and enjoying his sandwich. Half of his food migrates across to her plate, and in return she hands over half of her own sandwich. They sit in silence for a while, enjoying the meal as well as the company.
"I have to say, this is a better tradition than I'm used to," Olivia says lightly, wanting to express what it means to her that they're together, without actually having to say the words. Elliot's blue eyes stare at her for a long while, until she feels her cheeks warm slightly and looks away.
"I like this tradition too," he says softly, and they make eye contact again for a moment before a ringing phone shatters the peace, working once again coming to the forefront of their attention.
~oOo~
December 2006
It's been a difficult year for their partnership, Elliot isn't going to lie. Olivia's transfer to Computer Crimes, her disappearance while she was undercover in Oregon…he's almost grateful that they had the disagreement over the Sennet case a month ago, allowing them to clash, and he hates arguing with Olivia, but it also helped to find stability again after months of uncertainty.
"Who else would put up with me?" Olivia had said, sat on his doorstep at a ridiculous time in the morning, and he had heard both the apology but also the sadness underlying her words. And the truth is, there isn't such a thing as 'putting up with' Liv in his life – he's incredibly grateful she's been there by his side and protecting his back for all these years. He meant what he said before, that the job and their partnership was one of the few things he had left in his life, and then he had to go months without having her around at all. It's not an experience he would like to repeat.
Neither of them are "due" to take the Christmas shift this year, but he knows Olivia will have booked it anyway, Cragen having long since given up trying to make her rotate out. He knows at this point, she prefers to be working for the holidays, and can appreciate more nowadays that a quiet, empty house is not exactly the best at creating festive cheer.
He has the children for Christmas dinner this year, splitting the day with Kathy so she has the morning and he has the afternoon in a mirror of what had been organized last year, and so it isn't possible for him to take the full shift with Liv. He knows Munch has shifted back into his usual tradition instead, and at least he knows she won't be alone for the day.
But the usual coffee left on the corner of her desk is not enough this year, especially when she's mostly drinking tea instead, and so he rises early and spends the entire morning preparing everything possible for when his kids arrive, just so he has a bit of time at midday to leave the house. He drives to the precinct on practically empty roads, entering the station quietly. Munch is not at his desk, and Elliot takes a moment to ponder if the man ever stays at his desk at Christmas, or if he always spends the day in the cribs, before he spots Olivia's empty desk also. There is no tree on it this year, as if she didn't want the cheer without him there. Perhaps that is an egotistical view to have, but he pauses for a moment to pull out her drawer, finding it tucked away at the back along with the small decorations – including the pinecone Santa that he had brought. He takes a moment to set it back up on her desk, smiling at how it looks before he is interrupted by a quiet "El?" from behind him.
"Hey Liv," he says, spinning around. "You didn't put the tree up."
She's clutching a mug of coffee, eyes darting between him and the tree in confusion.
"I thought you had the kids this year?" she says, but it's a question rather than a statement. He nods, picking up her coat at the same time and holding it out for her.
"I do," he confirms. "But later…right now, we have a tradition to keep."
She looks at him for a moment, and then places the coffee down, relenting and clearly willing to follow whatever scheme he has planned for them.
He ushers her out of the station, and watches her smile as soon as they turn the corner towards the deli.
"You drove all the way into Manhattan to have a sandwich?" she asks, her breath coming out in puffs when it hits the cold. Her nose and cheeks are pink from the frosted air, her hair shining bright in the winter sun, and Elliot can't help but register how beautiful she looks in that moment.
"I drove into Manhattan to continue my Christmas tradition with my partner," he tells her, and she's speechless for a moment, before nodding.
"Well then, partner…I think it's your year to pay," she tells him, and her smile glows.
~oOo~
December 2007
Olivia doesn't like to think of herself as the "grinch", or even someone who dislikes Christmas, but it does seem as if the festive cheer is especially obnoxious this year, with the loud music grinding on her ears.
She's almost tempted to take time off, not for Christmas purposes, but rather to get away from the work that fills her days and nights with the darkest side of humanity; away from New York, which seems extra cold and grey for her this year, and away from her life, which is particularly depressing and void of enjoyment right now. She had told Agent Cooper that the job was her family, and never was it truer than at this time of year – and this one most of all.
She refuses to admit that the reason why she is feeling this way is because she knows already that Elliot will be busy with his newly reunited and expanded family for Christmas. Baby Elliot is barely a few weeks old, and she understands her partner will be juggling the presents, the cooking, the decorating and looking after his wife, children and newborn.
And where does that leave her?
Nowhere, and nor should it. She isn't anything other than Elliot's partner at work, and it isn't his fault that she has no other family or friends in her life, not even Simon, who hasn't responded to her messages in months, and this fact has propelled El to be the most important person in her life. She's always known it wasn't true the other way around – that his family has always taken priority, and that is the way she wants it.
She feels ridiculous for being so upset over Christmas. It's always been 'just a day' before, even through her childhood, and she's not religious either. She tells herself that the previous few years have just been something she should be grateful for, and now it is back to the same old routine.
She doesn't end up booking some far-flung holiday abroad, nor does she escape the city she loves, despite its darker sides. She dutifully signs up for work, forcing a smile for Cragen when he takes longer than usual to approve, and is there prompt and early at her desk, ready as always to help any victim that comes her way.
She refuses to take out her bad mood on Munch either, who is truly part of her tradition at this time of year, or so she reminds herself. A small and petulant part of her wants to throw the tiny tree in her desk into the trash, and ignore the coffee jar that sits in its usual place on the edge of her desk. She squashes the urge, instead taking out the small pinecone Santa and hanging it off her computer monitor, where it brings a small smile to her face.
The rest of the morning is spent focusing on paperwork, including Elliot's as usual, and midday hits before she even realizes. This time, she pulls out some leftovers from the previous night, already knowing she won't want to go to the deli to buy anything fresh. She's just finishing up, when her mobile rings. It's a familiar number.
"Hey," she says, answering promptly. "Anything wrong?"
There's a pause, and a slight chuckle.
"Why is that always your first response when I call you?" Elliot's voice comes down the line, and she can hear children yelling in the background, with some terrible Christmas carols blaring away over the stereo.
"The nature of our jobs," she throws back at him. He makes a sound of agreement, and then they fall silent. "Is there a reason you called, El?"
"I just wanted to say Merry Christmas," he tells her softly. "Did you enjoy your usual sandwich?"
She hesitates, but ends up lying to him.
"Yes, it was great, even if I had to pay for it myself," she says, with a false upbeat note in her voice. For some reason, she doesn't want him to feel guilty that he's not there with her this year, despite wishing exactly that he would be.
"Liar," he says after a moment. "I bet you had some shitty leftovers instead."
He knows her too well, but it makes her laugh anyway, that he can tell she is trying to hide the truth.
"Merry Christmas, El," she tells him, refusing to let him know he's correct. Kathy's voice filters through, a screaming baby following her calls for Elliot.
"Merry Christmas, Liv," he tells her, and she clutches the phone to her ear for a long moment after he hangs up.
Her and Munch are called to a particularly violent crime scene that afternoon, but the warmth of hearing Elliot's voice doesn't dissipate even in the cold December air.
~oOo~
December 2008
Some days, Elliot is reminded that just because they are willing to work at making their marriage successful, or just because they have a new one-year-old baby, doesn't mean the underlying issues in his relationship with Kathy have magically disappeared.
It's unfortunate that the holiday season is a time of year that brings these issues to the forefront, but he figures in part it's because the stress levels of making up for the previous years where the children had to shift between households have added pressure on both of their shoulders, and so everything is exacerbated. He's never home enough from work, he's not around for Eli when needed, he's late in picking up the presents, he's not involved in the decision-making of the holidays enough. On top of that, some of their extended family is supposed to be staying with them for a week, and the amount of organization it requires to be prepared is making things worse.
His home issues aren't the only thing preying on his mind recently either.
Olivia still isn't sleeping well. She hasn't for several months, and whenever he's asked, she's brushed it aside, either pretending she was fine or unwilling to discuss something so personal about her own struggles. He isn't even sure what has triggered her sleepless nights, but the dark rings under her eyes, her mood swings and increasing headaches he knows she's suffering all tell a story of someone unable to get a full night of sleep regularly. Sometimes he's managed to persuade her to have a nap in the crib, but it never lasts long enough for her to look refreshed afterwards.
Perhaps the issues she's working through is something related to her personal life only, but when he searches his mind for when he first started noticing the changes, his mind goes uncomfortably time and time again to the case where she went undercover at a prison. She had always maintained nothing had happened, but his instincts tell him there is something more she is hiding, and there is a fear lodged next to his heart as to what that might be.
In recent months, she had started improving slightly, or so he thinks, considering he doesn't actually have any overview of her sleeping habits at home. But in the recent run up to Christmas, he notices the fatigue settling back into her entire body.
All in all, he's worried about his family, he's worried about Olivia, and some days, the stress feels overwhelming.
He works Christmas Eve, barely able to stay awake himself for the day, considering the late night of cleaning and wrapping Kathy roped him into the previous day, and the early morning start of relatives arriving before his shift even started.
He's staring blankly at his computer screen, mind half on the case they are wrapping up, and half on running through his 'to do' list to see if there was any major item he missed, when a gingerbread cookie slides across his desk.
"Hey partner," Olivia says, and her smile is bright even though her eyes are tired. He knows this time of year is never especially easy for her, and that she'll be working again tomorrow, so he feels slightly selfish at the fact she's clearly worried about his own mind today. Still, her mood seems light, and it helps him to be able to return a smile back at her, nodding towards the cookie.
"Bribery for something?" he asks, his tone clearly joking. She wrinkles her nose a bit, pondering, and then winks.
"I get you this cookie now, you get me lunch later," she suggests, as if this was a great compromise, and the ridiculousness of their ongoing battle of payment makes him laugh.
"I think half your lunches this year have come from me, Benson," he tells her, breaking the cookie in half and returning one side to her. "But I guess the bribery is working."
Later, they're walking back with bags of takeaway, when she gets a serious expression on her face, nudging his shoulder slightly with hers.
"Everything alright with you?" she asks, and he almost retorts that he could ask the same of her, but bites his tongue at the last minute.
"A lot of pressure this time of year," he says, unwilling to outright complain about family to someone who has none beyond the walls of the precinct, bar a half-brother who is never reliable. Olivia nods anyway, and perhaps it's this quiet understanding from her that prompts the next words out of his mouth.
"I miss our tradition," he admits, and out of the corner of his eye, he sees her steps falter slightly in surprise at his admission. "I wish I could see you tomorrow."
"I miss it too," she says. He's relieved that she's open to sharing her viewpoint in this, since it's not always the case, especially knowing they both feel the same way. They say nothing else on the walk back to the station, and as soon as they're at their desks, it's the normal focus on work until the end of the shift.
He leaves the usual coffee and note for Olivia, but wishes it could be more, if only to help her feel happier at the end of a long year.
The next morning is as chaotic as he had expected, with his children and their cousins running around and ripping open their presents. Breakfast is almost a production line of food, and Kathy's brothers especially can eat a lot of food. Elliot tries to let the noise wash over him, but he's just at the point of hiding in their bedroom for a moment of peace and quiet, when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.
You have two minutes? reads the text from Olivia. He texts back a quick affirmative, and waits for her call. Instead, the phone vibrates again.
Outside?
Despite not doing anything wrong, he checks for a moment that everyone else is occupied and therefore won't miss him, before grabbing his coat and slipping quietly out the front door.
He's surprised to find Olivia standing on the pathway up to his front door, nose pink from the cold and awkwardly shuffling her feet. He feels his face break out into a large smile.
"This is a nice surprise," he says, as casually as possible despite it being a rare occasion for Olivia to be at his home. For a split second, the thought springs to mind that maybe something bad has happened, but Olivia doesn't seem overly upset. In fact, she's looking rather happy to see him also.
"Well, I figured you didn't want cheap deli sandwiches considering all the delightful food that's most likely cooking right now," she says, and then thrusts a travel mug into his hand, another one clutched close to her chest. Their fingers brush together as he takes it, and he's grateful for the warmth that seeps into his skin from holding the travel mug, now that he's starting to cool down.
She says nothing else, just watches as he takes a quick sip, and then laughs as the familiar taste of his own gifted coffee rolls across his tongue.
"A bit of tradition," she shrugs. He clinks their mugs together at that, and they both stare at each other for a moment, before looking quickly away.
Elliot can't stay long, not when his family is inside the house and snow is starting to fall gently, settling onto his uncovered head in a way that makes him shiver. But they drink their coffees in near peaceful silence, and he takes the time to fully relax for the first time that day.
"Thanks Liv," he says quietly, when it becomes apparent that they are both finished. "You don't know how much I needed that."
She nods at him, reaching out to take the mug out of his hand again. Elliot finds himself stepping closer however, bringing up his other arm to wrap her in a brief hug. Her body tenses slightly in surprise, and then relaxes as she carefully hugs him back.
"Merry Christmas, El," she says, voice muffled as she tucks her face close to his shoulder. He squeezes her slightly tighter.
"Merry Christmas, Liv."
He watches her get back into the SUV, the tail lights growing dimmer in the distance as she returns to the station, before he turns to re-enter the house.
~oOo~
December 2009
The more things change, the more they stay the same, or at least that's how it seems to Olivia. She's staring at the brochures scattered across her coffee table, taunting her about holidays in the sun and a nice, relaxing time to be had by all.
Earlier in the year, she had been tempted to have a different sort of Christmas, one where she went on a nice holiday to some warm climate, foregoing the muddy slush of the New York winter and instead sunbathing her days away, relaxing and not thinking about work in any capacity. She had felt that at this point in her life, she needed to accept the fact that Christmas will always mean or be something different for her than for many others, and large family gatherings were not going to happen, no matter how much she had dreamed for something out of a storybook when she was a child and seeing how her own home differed from those of other children at her school. So far in her professional career, she's built a whole tradition up around the fact that she works on Christmas, as if being a martyr for her colleagues and for the victims, or paying penance for her existence, is the role she needs to play each holiday season.
This year was going to be different — out with the old, in with the new, off to sunny beaches. And then, she was arrested for murder.
Strangely enough, it's not the fact that she almost went to prison for a murder she didn't commit that still lingers in her mind. Nor is it the fact that she was attacked in her own home by the man who tried to frame her, or that she was practically perp-walked in front of colleagues. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she had always had faith that Elliot and the rest of the team would help her sort it out, that her innocence would be proven.
No, frustratingly enough, it is something Tucker said that lingers in her mind.
"No boyfriend?" he had asked her in interrogation. "I just find it odd that nobody stopped by to look in on you."
She wants to tell herself that it's not an entirely true assessment, that Elliot had both texted her over her sick leave, as well as set about putting her to bed and making her tea when he came over to her apartment. But she's also well aware of the fact that he came over because there was a relevant case; he certainly doesn't have endless amounts of time to stop by to look in on her when he has a wife and five children at home, including a small baby. Isn't it pathetic that she has now entered her forties and yet the only person in her life that cares to check in on her is her married colleague from work?
If she weren't in such a self-pitying mood, she'd more readily admit to herself that Elliot has never just been a work colleague, and that even the rest of her team would have her back if only she called them for help. Still, she's pissed at the fact that some cutting remark from an IAB interrogation has her reflecting on her life all these weeks later, to the point that she stalled whenever she even thought about booking a holiday, no longer in the mood for sunshine and relaxation.
One thing she refuses to think deeper about however, is the fact that at the back of her mind, it isn't enough, what she has with Elliot. It has to be enough, because that is the hand she was dealt, he is loyal to his wife and children, and they'd never cross any lines that weren't appropriate. But emotions aren't logical, so while her mind knows all of this, she can't stop the desire of wanting him to be that person who should check up on her, who should help her when she is sick, or notice if she is not alright. Besides Serena on good days, she's never even had someone in life to do that for her, to be 'her' person', and it cuts deep.
Instead, she is still alone, all these decades later.
On that pitying note, she takes a deep breath, picks up the brochures for the far-flung destinations, and drops them in the recycling at the same time as leaving her mug of cold tea in the sink. As soon as she arrives at work, she dutifully signs up for the Christmas shift.
This year, she doesn't even consider dropping by Elliot's house on Christmas day, almost surprised at how she had been brave enough to do so the previous year. Instead, she and Fin are called onto a scene early in the morning, and the only concession she makes is to fill up two travel mugs with the coffee that Elliot gives to her without fail every Christmas. This time however, she hands the other one over to Fin as they walk out to the car.
They don't get back to the precinct until much later that afternoon, the cold outside so strong that Olivia feels the chill right down to her bones. Even the ride back with full heaters blasting hadn't helped much, and now she's wondering if she'll ever feel properly warm again.
She wants nothing more than to go home and climb into a hot shower, but there are still several hours left of their shift, so she settles into her chair with a groan instead and pulls out her mobile with half-numb fingers.
There's a text from Elliot waiting for her.
Check your desk, it says. And Merry Christmas.
She looks across the surface of her desk, not noticing anything unusual, until she starts to search through her drawers also. Sat in the bottom one, next to the tiny fake tree that she's kept despite never bringing it out again, is a small wooden reindeer ornament. She sends a picture of it back to Elliot, hanging from her fingertip, with a message saying it's cute.
Put the tree up, Liv. He texts back. She sighs, but ignores Fin's curious look as she dutifully sets up the small tree, hanging up the original glass ornaments she had bought several years ago, along with Elliot's Santa and now the reindeer.
Much better! he says when she texts him another picture, and she realizes the asshole made her actually feel in a Christmassy mood at last this year, just by looking at that small tree.
She spends the rest of the shift sneaking small glances at the tree and its new reindeer ornament.
~oOo~
December 2010
"Hey, talk to me," Elliot says. They're sitting in the car, two hours into a long stakeout, waiting for their suspect to exit the building on the prowl for a new victim. The man usually strikes around 4am, so he knows they have a while yet to wait, and in the meantime, he's finding himself slightly distracted by his partner.
Olivia has been unusually quiet in the last few weeks. He thinks he knows why. Still, he needs to hear it from her directly, wants them to talk it out if it in any way makes her feel better. But Olivia is Olivia, and part of her personality is made up of large walls and warning signs saying 'keep away' when she's hurting, so he's well aware that he can only push so far before she balks and refuses to share anything.
"Talk about what?" she says smoothly, and they both know exactly what he means, but she's forcing him to spell it out, clearly in a slightly defensive mood already.
"About what's bothering you," he says softly. He's turned towards her, as she stares out the front windshield, so he sees when she tenses slightly, her eyes darting sideways to him and then forwards again.
"Nothing important," she replies, crossing her arms. She shifts slightly in her seat, an indicator of her feeling uncomfortable, and he takes a risk by lifting his hand and resting it on the back of her neck, knowing the move could backfire.
Luckily, it settles her instead, and he watches as she closes her eyes for a long moment, before the tension seeps away.
"It was always temporary," she mutters. His brain takes a moment to register, and then he feels the cut of his own words being flung back in his face.
"Liv, I—" he isn't sure what he wants to say.
"No, you were right," she tells him, this time pulling away from his hand and resting her back against the door. He takes comfort at least in the fact that she is turning towards him instead of away. "It was always temporary, but I couldn't help envisioning Calvin being with me for Christmas. Guess I was just desperately dreaming of some family celebration, rather than facing reality."
At this, she does turn away, and he knows she's trying to compose herself. He reaches out again, this time placing his hand on top of hers and squeezing slightly.
"I'm sorry," he says. He's not even sure what he's apologizing for - perhaps his words, which had been the truth but not something he wanted to be the one saying, or perhaps because once again he is registering the depths of how much Liv has forever been seeking a family.
She shrugs, unable to respond, but a moment later, he feels her hand turn over slowly, their fingers gently tangling together. They sit in silence for the next hour, unwilling to let go of each other, until the suspect is spotted leaving his building at last.
Three days later, Elliot finds himself leaving his warm home and climbing into his car for a drive back to Manhattan. Kathy had not been impressed at his departure early morning on Christmas day, despite his promises to be back soon, in time to help finish cooking the rest of dinner. She doesn't say much, but he senses the underlying frustration she feels, and is almost petty enough to throw into her face the fact that he's only been able to be home at Christmas all these years because Olivia has taken the shift time and time again. He refrains instead. There is a fragility to their marriage, even all these years later, and some days, he's surprised they are both still standing. Some days, he's waiting for the foundation to crack and everything to fall down around him once more. None of this stops him from leaving anyway, set on his destination with determination.
He arrives at the precinct not long after the shift starts. Same as last year, it's Olivia and Fin on duty, and they are clearly on a case because they are standing shoulder to shoulder, discussing something up on the board. He clears his throat quietly, making Fin spin around. Olivia turns more slowly, the surprise evident on her face before she even lands eyes on him.
"Hey Stabler, couldn't manage a couple of days off?" Fin snorts. Elliot stuffs his hands in his pockets awkwardly, rocking back on his heels.
"What can I say, I'm obsessed with this job," he says lightly. Fin raises a skeptical eyebrow.
"Mmhmm, sure," is all he says however, and then jerks a thumb over his shoulder. "I'm going to go get another snack."
They wait until he's left before moving closer together, Olivia meeting him halfway amongst all the desks.
"What are you doing here?" she says, and then lets out a huff of surprise as Elliot steps in, wrapping his arms around her in a quick movement.
"Just wanted to wish you Merry Christmas," he says, which explains everything and nothing at the same time. "It's what families do today."
She hugs him back then, and they are clinging to each other more fiercely than a gentle 'Merry Christmas' should have inspired. He can't help but hold on for longer than appropriate, and she's the first one to pull away in the end, stepping back and giving him an awkward yet happy smile.
"Well, it's not a sandwich at the deli, but I'll take it," she says. He laughs, despite the fact that he feels a twinge of sadness at the fact they never continued that tradition. Her words remind him of the other reason he decided to come in person however, and he pats at his pockets for a second before finding what he's looking for.
"Well, this is also a tradition now," he says, pulling out a wooden ornament carved in the shape of a snowman. He's gratified to see she had set up the tree again this year, and it sits on the desk behind her.
Olivia steps closer once more, hand coming up to gently take the snowman from his fingers reverently.
"Thanks, El," she says softly, drawing it back and clutching it close to her chest for a second. "I think it's a great tradition."
He's gratified that she thinks so, and when he leaves the precinct a few minutes later to face the drive back to Queens, he's already thinking about what ornament he'll be buying her for next year.