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When Seonghwa woke up, it was to a bone dead ache of tiredness, like he hadn’t actually slept through the night, despite the fact that he didn’t remember waking up or even feeling restless the night before. This was not a new feeling, but still an unwelcome one.
Seonghwa flipped onto his other side, turning on his phone briefly to glance at the time. It was too early. Far too early; if it was anyone else, Seonghwa would’ve urged them to try and go back to sleep, and if there was someone in his bed, maybe Seonghwa would’ve turned back over. However, he was alone, and that meant that he was climbing out of bed in no time at all, feet padding softly on the floor as he made his way into the kitchen, checking briefly to make sure that Hongjoong was sleeping in his bed. (He was, deeply, which was good. Seonghwa wouldn’t be waking him and Hongjoong might get more than 3 hours of sleep for a change).
The floor was freezing underneath his bare feet as he walked, a shiver dancing up his spine. He flicked on the light in the kitchen, figuring that maybe he had time for a bit more of an elaborate breakfast since he was up so early and that the movement would help keep him warm.
They had an early schedule, and nobody would have time to sit down and actually eat, so if Seonghwa could make something that was at least somewhat portable, that would work best. Nodding to himself, he set to work, pulling things out of the fridge and cabinets, getting to work chopping. Occasionally putting the knife down and trying to warm his hands up a little, cold for seemingly no reason.
He tried his best to be quiet, mind drifting as he fell into the rhythmic steps of cooking until he was practically half asleep while doing it, adding and peeling and cutting things mindlessly, tension bleeding out of his shoulders, the most relaxed he’s felt in over a week.
As he finished up breakfast, he grew more awake. Shaking out his limbs, rubbing his face, setting up the table to the best of his ability, so that his bandmates would be able to grab and go, and by the end of it all, he was feeling more exhausted than before, which wasn’t a very good sign. He practically collapsed into his seat at the table, glancing at the clock briefly before deciding that he could try to get a little bit more rest before he went around waking the others. Setting an alarm, he placed his head in his hands and fell asleep easily for once.
The alarm he set went off far too early and far too loud, Seonghwa springing up and out of his half-sleep, standing from the table to begin waking his bandmates. He was still freezing, making a mental note to grab a sweatshirt from his closet when he went to wake Hongjoong, who, when Seonghwa knocked, called “Already up! Thank you Hwa,” through the door.
“Can I just come in real quick?” he asked, leaning on the door a little.
“Of course,” Hongjoong said, and Seonghwa opened the door, slipping inside, making a beeline to their closet, grabbing the nearest sweatshirt out and pulling it over his head.
“Thanks, I’ll go wake the others,” Seonghwa said, and Hongjoong grabbed his arm lightly.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes? I am, why?” Seonghwa said, glancing at him with concern, and Hongjoong let go of his arm.
“You look tired. And a bit pale,” he said, eyebrows furrowing in his ‘concerned leader’ look.
“I didn’t sleep well last night. I’ll be fine,” Seonghwa said, smiling a little, and Hongjoong nodded, obviously still concerned. With that, Seonghwa slipped out and headed into the next room.
“Sanie, Yunho, it’s time to get up,” he said, gently shaking them, pulling the warm blankets off of them and only leaving when they were just about awake, blearily rubbing their eyes. Seonghwa smiled, heading into the room with the trio.
Wooyoung saw him come in, immediately covering his head with his blankets.
“No…” he said quietly, and Seonghwa shook his shoulder gently.
“Yes. It’s time to wake up, Wooyoungie,” he said, and Wooyoung sighed, sitting up, and Seonghwa moved on to Yeosang.
“Yeosangie,” he said, and Yeosang immediately flipped over to his other side, rolling away from Seonghwa and almost falling off the bed, if he wasn’t so tangled in his sheets he might’ve. Seonghwa chuckled a little bit. “Wake up Yeosangie. You too Jongho,” Seonghwa called to the last bed, where Jongho laid like a log.
“I’d rather not,” he said quietly, and Seonghwa sighed, heading over to the last bed.
“You have to get up.”
“My head hurts,” Jongho said, and Seonghwa bit his lip.
“We can get you some pain medication? Is it able to work bad or hospital bad?” he asked, and Jongho rolled over, finally looking at him.
“Able to work bad, I guess,” he said, and Seonghwa nodded.
“Alright. I’ll get you the pills, you rest a little more, I’ll grab you as we go out and we’ll try our best to make it an easy day.”
“Okay,” he said, and Seonghwa could see the pain in his eyes. “Thank you Hyung,” he said, and Seonghwa nodded.
“Rest, Jongie,” he said, letting the boy rollover. “Try your best not to disturb him, please,” Seonghwa said as he left, and the other two nodded, more awake and quiet than before.
Seonghwa slipped out of the room and back into Hongjoong’s, closing the door behind himself.
“Seonghwa?” Hongjoong said, and Seonghwa shushed him a little bit.
“Jongho isn’t feeling well, his head hurts. Is there any way we can make today easier?” Seonghwa asked, and Hongjoong tilted his head, face twisting.
“I…” he said, and Seonghwa sighed.
“There’s no way we can reschedule things?” he asked, and Hongjoong’s shoulders slumped a bit.
“I’ll try my best, talk to the managers… I can’t promise anything,” he said, and Seonghwa nodded.
“Okay. Thank you. I’m going to wake Mingi and get Jongho some pain medication. Breakfast is on the table,” he said, and Hongjoong nodded.
“Thank you Hwa. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” Seonghwa said quickly, heading out of the room, pausing for just a moment to try and catch his breath, his worry already making it a little harder to breathe. Relaxing himself as much as he could, he exhaled, and went into Mingi’s room.
“Mingi?” Seonghwa said, and Mingi opened his eyes a little. “Time to wake up.”
“You sure?” he grumbled.
“Yes, I’m sure,” he said, smiling a little, Mingi scrubbing at his face.
“Is everything okay?” he asked, suddenly much more awake as he looked at Seonghwa.
“Jongho is not feeling well today, his head hurts, so we’re all going to try to keep our voices down and get through the day as quickly as possible, okay?” he said, and Mingi nodded quickly.
“Anything I can do to help?” he asked, and Seonghwa shook his head.
“I don’t think so. Thank you though,” he said, and then headed out of Mingi’s room, heading to their medicine cabinet and digging through the dozen or so half-empty bottles of pain medications, making a mental reminder to reorganize and clean it out after grabbing a bottle and discovering that it was expired.
Eventually, he came across a bottle, shaking a couple of pills out, and quickly walked towards the kitchen to get Jongho something to drink. He squinted in the bright light, the barest little twinge of a migraine making its way through his skull, promising pain later. Seonghwa pushed it to the side, lightly tapping on the door of Jongho, Yeosang, and Wooyoung’s room.
“Come in,” came a soft voice, and Seonghwa pushed open the door, seeing Jongho sitting up, his head in one of his hands. He looked up when Seonghwa came in, holding out a hand for the water and the painkiller.
Seonghwa gently rubbed his back as he took the medication, drinking the whole glass of water obediently when Seonghwa asked.
“Are you going to be ready in time?” he asked gently, still rubbing Jongho’s back as he nodded, standing, he wobbled a little on his feet, and Seonghwa grabbed his arm lightly, making sure that Jongho was balanced before shooting a pointed look at Yeosang and Wooyoung. They both nodded, silently agreeing to keep a close eye on Jongho as Seonghwa left.
Seonghwa sunk into his chair at the table, worry creeping into every crevice of his body. He placed his head in his hands, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes for a long moment before he relaxed, letting his hands slip away and blinking away the dark spots. He inhaled, trying to calm himself for a long moment, holding his breath before slowly letting it out.
Everything would be okay, Jongho would be okay, and everyone else would be okay, and-
“Hyung?” someone called, and Seonghwa turned quickly, rubbing his face with one hand as he tried to figure out who had called him and what they needed.
“Hmm?” he said, eyes clearing enough to see Yunho staring at him, very obviously concerned.
“You don’t look so good,” he said quietly, and Seonghwa shook his head, smiling a little.
“I’m fine, Yunho,” Seonghwa said, and Yunho gave him a disbelieving look. “Really, I am. A little worried about Jongho and maybe a little tired, but I’m fine.”
Yunho nodded, obviously not happy with the response, but willing to drop it, which Seonghwa was grateful for.
“Thank you for breakfast,” he said, and Seonghwa nodded.
“It’s the least I could do.”
“You ate right?” Yunho asked, and Seonghwa nodded, though he couldn’t remember if he actually ate before he took his nap.
“I did,” he said.
“Good.”
Seonghwa glanced at the time, only to realize it was two minutes past the time they were supposed to be down and waiting for the car. He burst up and out of his seat.
“We’ve got to go!” he called.
“Got it!” Yunho said, immediately turning to try and pull his shoes on. Seonghwa headed down the hall, swerving out of the way of a frantic Mingi, who grabbed his arm as he passed.
“Hyung, have you seen my coat? The gray one?” he asked, and Seonghwa sighed a little, smiling.
“Next to all of your coats, with the rest of them.”
“I checked there!”
“Then Yunho probably stole it,” Seonghwa said, before continuing down the hall, knocking on his and Hongjoong’s room. “Joong, you ready?” he called, and Hongjoong opened the door, startling Seonghwa a little.
“I’m ready,” he said.
“I’m going to grab the other four, you go make sure Yunho and Mingi don’t beat each other up?” Seonghwa said, and Hongjoong sighed fondly, before nodding and heading towards the front door.
“Yeosang? Wooyoung?” he said, knocking on the door. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah,” Yeosang said. Seonghwa slowly opened the door.
“Hey,” he said, lowering his voice a little, and Wooyoung looked up from underneath the bed.
“Do you-”
“Your shoes are by the front door, where you left them,” Seonghwa said, and Wooyoung slipped out of the room, Yeosang on his heels.
“Hey hyung,” Jongho said, from where he was sitting on the bed. He was fully ready, thankfully, and Seonghwa came up to him.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay for today?” he asked, and Jongho nodded.
“I’m going to take it easy dancing, because I’m a little dizzy, but I’m going to come.”
“Good. Don’t push yourself, okay?” Seonghwa said, and he smiled a little. Together they headed out of the room, just in time to see San leaving his room and heading to the front door.
“Hwa?” Hongjoong asked.
“Are we all ready?” Seonghwa asked, doing a headcount only to see Hongjoong doing the same before they headed out to the cars that were waiting for them.
The dance practice went about as well as expected, with Seonghwa feeling like garbage, and with Jongho obviously in pain, and with Seonghwa trying to keep an eye on Jongho, making sure that he ate and drank and took more frequent breaks, (subsequently forgetting to eat and drink on the breaks) staring off into space and eventually just going through the motions until he was startled out of his haze.
“Hyung?” came a voice, and Seonghwa turned quickly, watching black spots fade from his vision as Yeosang came into view.
“Yes?”
“Are you okay?”
“Of course!”
“The last song finished a minute ago. We’re free to go,” Yeosang said carefully, eyes flicking over Seonghwa's face.
“Ah, thank you Yeosangie. I guess I was just lost in thought,” Seonghwa said, and Yeosang nodded.
“Yeah. I guess,” he said quietly, and Seonghwa didn’t really have time to unpack that, too busy trying to gather all his belongings before he fell too far behind the rest of ATEEZ.
“Hyung, can you go see if Hongjoong is coming home with us?” Yunho asked, and Seonghwa nodded.
“I got it.”
The walk towards Hongjoong’s studio was nauseating, the walls closing in, slowly, gently, and Seonghwa poured every little bit of energy in himself into walking straight, not tilting with the floor or stumbling.
“Hongjoong?” he called, knocking on the door, and there was a faint,
“Come in!” from Hongjoong. Seonghwa slipped in, Hongjoong already turned around in his chair, headphones off his ears, smiling at him. “What’s up?”
“The kids were just wondering if you were going to be coming home with us or not?”
“Uh… no, not yet,” Hongjoong said, turning to look at his computer screen briefly. Seonghwa smiled.
“I figured not.”
“Yeah, the song is throwing me for a bit of a loop.”
“What time should we expect you?” Seonghwa asked, and Hongjoong’s eyes widened as he breathed out.
“I don’t know. Not until late, don’t wait up for me.”
“Got it, I won’t try to,” Seonghwa said, and Hongjoong smiled.
“If it gets too late, just leave me here, I’ll realize eventually and sleep on the couch,” Hongjoong said, and Seonghwa stared at him for a long moment.
“You know I won’t do that.”
“I know. But if it happens, don’t feel guilty. And don’t wait up on purpose,” he said, and Seonghwa nodded.
“Okay, I can do that.”
It was 2:15 in the morning when Seonghwa sat up and out of bed, just as awake as he was 4 hours previously, slipping into his boots and pulling a sweater over his head, dead set on returning home with Hongjoong, who Seonghwa found asleep at his computer.
“Joongie,” Seonghwa said, albeit disappointedly, shaking Hongjoong’s shoulder. Hongjoong shot up quickly, swallowing roughly, and squinting in the bright light.
“What time-” he started, getting thrown off by his gravelly voice.
“2:30. In the morning. It’s time to go home,” Seonghwa said, pulling him to his feet gently.
“Really? That late?” he asked, and Seonghwa let out an airy huff.
“More like that early,” he said, and Hongjoong nodded.
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you being pushed for this song? For more songs? What’s up?” Seonghwa asked as Hongjoong saved the file.
“Don’t worry about it, I’m alright.”
“Hongjoong,” Seonghwa said, and Hongjoong glanced up, sighed, and looked down.
“I can never get away with anything around you.”
“I know you too well. What’s going on?”
“Leader things, it’s not really a big deal,” Hongjoong said, and Seonghwa’s jaw tightened a little before he was able to relax it again.
“It is a big deal, if it’s making you stay here until 3 in the morning,” Seonghwa said gently.
“I don’t want to worry you even more, Jongho needs your attention right now,” Hongjoong said, opening the door of his studio, tilting his head a little to signal that Seonghwa should go out ahead of him, which he did.
“I have enough of an attention span to care for both of you. What can I do to help?” Seonghwa asked, and Hongjoong’s shoulder slumped, hands dropping from where he was trying to lock up his studio.
“My hands are shaking,” he whispered. Seonghwa glanced at his hands for a moment before plying the keys from his hands, ignoring the tremors in his own hands, holding them steady just long enough to lock the studio.
“You need to drink more water,” Seonghwa said, and Hongjoong smiled tiredly.
“Yes mom,” he said jokingly, and Seonghwa smiled back at him, before taking his hand and guiding them out of the building.
“Leaderly stuff?” Seonghwa prompted after a few minutes of walking silently side by side.
“They’re trying to move up the date of our comeback,” Hongjoong said, and Seonghwa nodded a little. “So they’re pushing the producers a bit harder. It’s still up in the air whether or not the comeback will be early, they’re just trying to see if we can get the music done with enough time for practice, and they’re actually being super nice and understanding about it but it’s still…” he trailed off then.
“Stressful?”
“Yeah. I’m supposed to represent ATEEZ, and I want to be able to say yes to everything, to tell them we can do it, but I just don’t think we’ll be able to.”
“No matter what happens, we’ll be okay,” Seonghwa says, and Hongjoong nods, looking down at his feet for a few long steps.
“I know it will be. You guys are so strong. But I don’t want anyone to push themselves too hard and to end up sick,” Hongjoong said.
“You’re the strongest out of all of us,” Seonghwa tried, unsure what else to say.
“Nah, that’s Jongho,” he said, tone shifting into something much lighter than before.
“True,” Seonghwa said fondly.
“How’s he feeling?” Hongjoong asked.
“Head still hurts. I gave him some more pain medication before he went to bed early,” Seonghwa said, trying to keep the worry from drifting into his tone.
“He’ll be alright,” Hongjoong reassured, and Seonghwa nodded.
They came to a stop in front of their building.
“Seonghwa,” Hongjoong said quietly, before either of them moved, and Seonghwa turned to look at him. “You can tell me if anything is wrong, you know that right?”
“I know. You’re busy right now, I don’t want to trouble you.”
“But-”
“Hongjoong,” Seonghwa interrupted. “I’m fine. It’s not a big deal, we’ll talk after the date of our comeback is settled, and when Jongho is better, okay?”
“Yeah,” he said quietly, and Seonghwa nodded.
“Lets get inside and sleep, yeah?”
“Thank you,” Hongjoong said sincerely, and Seonghwa smiled, pulling Hongjoong into the elevator to get into their dorm.
Seonghwa got a good hour of sleep before his alarm started going off cruelly, waking him. It would have woken up Hongjoong too, if the man wasn’t such a heavy sleeper. (It also helps that Seonghwa has gotten really good at turning off his alarm. It takes three seconds, tops, guaranteed not to wake Hongjoong).
He was exhausted, sitting up and getting out of bed, wishing more than anything for more sleep, but also knowing that he wouldn’t be going to sleep anymore, especially if they wanted to get out at the right time. So instead of lying in his warm bed, he hopped in the shower, cleaned himself up, got dressed, everything he could do to feel a little bit more human.
His eyebrow twitched a little bit as he stared at the dark bags under his eyes, and after a long moment of contemplation, he put a little bit of concealer on them. Really, he didn’t have to, everyone knew he didn’t sleep, at least, all his fellow band members knew he didn’t sleep, but still. There was something about having to admit to that, that filled him with unease.
With that thought shaken from his head, he went into the kitchen and began to work on breakfast, being as careful as he could with the knife, knowing that as tired as he was, getting injured wouldn’t be good, and he didn’t need that.
Earlier than expected, Seonghwa heard a door down the hall open, and assuming it was Hongjoong, didn’t say or do anything other than keep working, instead started the coffee to brew.
“Good morning,'' came a voice from around the corner, and Seonghwa’s head snapped up as Jongho (not Hongjoong) came into the kitchen.
“Hey, how’re you feeling?” he asked, glancing back down at the cutting board.
“Better than yesterday, thank you,” Jongho said, watching him chop for a long while.
“Head’s better?” Seonghwa asked, and Jongho nodded.
“Yeah. I’ll probably take some more painkillers today to make sure it doesn’t come back.”
“Good.”
Another long moment of silence.
“Hyung, you don’t look very good,” Jongho said quietly, and Seonghwa looked up at him, making a little face.
“That’s not very nice.”
“How many hours of sleep did you get last night?” he asked.
“Hmm? Oh, I didn’t end up sleeping much last night,” Seonghwa said absentmindedly, continuing to cut the food for breakfast. He glanced up to see Jongho’s concerned face, which threw Seonghwa off a little. “What’s up?” he asked.
“Hyung, why aren’t you resting?” Jongho asked, and Seonghwa chucked a little.
“I’m fine, Jongie,” he said, but Jongho appeared unconvinced.
“You didn’t sleep at all last night?”
“No, I said I only slept a little. I was waiting for Hongjoong, then I had to go get Hongjoong, and by the time we got back it was pretty early,” he explained, and Jongho’s eyebrows furrowed a little.
“You’ll try to get more sleep tonight though, right?” he asked, and Seonghwa shrugged.
“I can try, but someone has to go and collect our glorious leader every night,” he tried to joke, even though Jongho looked like it was the last thing he wanted to do.
“Please?” he said, with the rarely used maknae charm, and Seonghwa instantly gave him, too tired to protest further.
“I’ll try. Promise,” he said, and Jongho nodded, the answer good enough, turning to go back into his room, presumably to finish getting ready as Seonghwa continued to make breakfast.
He set it out for all his band members to collect, staring at his own portion for a second before deciding he was too nauseous to eat it, scraping it back into the pot. Whether it was actually nausea or if it was just dizziness, he couldn’t be sure.
He turned around to start cleaning up the kitchen, before realizing that he wasn’t fully ready yet, speeding into his room to try and find his shoes and other accessories he would need. Hongjoong was inside, tying his shoes, and he glanced up when Seonghwa came in.
“Hey, sorry I’m running late,” Seonghwa apologized. Hongjoong didn’t say anything, so Seonghwa just kept trying to find his other earring. Right as he found it, the door opened, and Seonghwa’s head snapped towards it.
“Seonghwa?” Hongjoong said, poking his head through the door, and Seonghwa’s eyes widened a little bit, glancing back at the Hongjoong he had been previously talking to, only to see that nothing was there. “Is everything okay?”
“I… yeah, everything is fine,” Seonghwa said, and Hongjoong seemed wholly unconvinced. “Really! Everything is. I just need to get some sleep.”
“You’ll have to sleep in the car, management wants us at headquarters early for a meeting, probably about the comeback date,” he said, and Seonghwa nodded.
“Yeah, just give me one second, I want to freshen up a little bit,” he said, and Hongjoong eyed him for another long moment.
“Okay. Are you alright to come? You can stay if you need to,” Hongjoong said. Seonghwa shook his head quickly, cursing the sudden wave of dizziness that swept over him as he did so.
“I’ll be fine. Just give me a minute, I’ll meet you out there.”
“See you soon.”
Seonghwa rolled his head back to stare at the ceiling the second Hongjoong left, rubbing at the tension in his neck. He can sleep in the car, and he’ll be fine. The meeting shouldn’t take too long anyway, and then they just have the normal practice, and that’ll be the end of it.
He managed to sleep a little bit in the car, not much, and not enough, but a little, and that would have to do.
That little bit managed to carry him through the meeting and part of the practice, but about halfway through, he felt like he was about to drop. Exhaustion weighed on his bones, his movements becoming sluggish, and dull, to the point where he got called out more than once on it, his band members looking at him concerned.
Eventually, during a short water break, Hongjoong pulled him to the side, away from the other members.
“Are you okay?” Hongjoong asked, eyes searching over Seonghwa’s face. He nodded, trying his best to be convincing.
“I’m fine. Just tired. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. Are you okay to continue?” Hongjoong asked, and Seonghwa nodded again.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” he said, and Hongjoong stared at him for a long moment.
“You know I don’t believe that for a single second.”
“I assumed you didn’t.”
“We’re going to take another ten minutes okay?” Hongjoong called to the choreographer, who gave them a thumbs up.
“Take ten,” he called, and the other band members quickly swarmed around both Hongjoong and Seonghwa.
“Is he okay?” San’s voice was the first to break through the chaos.
“He will be,” Hongjoong said, and Seonghwa scoffed a little.
“I’m right here.”
“Is he dying?” Yeosang asked, a little lighthearted but mostly concerned.
“I’m fine.”
“He’s exhausted,” Jongho piped up, and Seonghwa shot him a look.
“I’m just fine, you guys don’t have to worry about me,” he tried.
“You don’t actually take care of yourself though, you just pretend that you do so that we do,” Wooyoung said quickly, obviously not thinking his words through, and Yeosang lightly hit his arm.
“He’s right though,” Mingi said and Seonghwa sighed.
“I can’t help that I can’t sleep,” he protested.
“And that,” Hongjoong said, butting into the conversation, “is exactly why Seonghwa is going to be lying down in my studio for the rest of the time we practice.”
“He is?” Yunho asked.
“I am?” Seonghwa asked practically at the same time.
“Couldn’t we just send him home?” Wooyoung asked, and Hongjoong shook his head.
“A couple of the managers are sick and others are wrapped up in meetings, so there’s really no way we can ask one to just bring Seonghwa home,” he said, and the group slowly nodded. “So, Seonghwa, you’re going to my studio, Yunho, walk him over.”
“I’m not dying, Joong,” Seonghwa protested. “I can walk myself.”
“You may not be dying but you look like you are. Yunho is walking you over,” he said, and with that, his attention went to Yunho. “Make sure he actually lays down to rest, and then come back here so we can keep working.”
And with that, Hongjoong moved onto the others, and Yunho grabbed his arm gently, guiding Seonghwa out.
“I’m fine, I promise,” Seonghwa tried, but Yunho barely spared him a glance.
“No offense hyung, but you’re really pale, and I don’t blame Hongjoong hyung for worrying.”
Together they slipped into Hongjoong’s studio, and Yunho lightly pushed Seonghwa onto the couch.
“Seriously?” Seonghwa asked, and Yunho smiled half-heartedly.
“Yeah. You just stay here and rest for a while, I’ll come get you after okay?”
Yunho slipped out of the room, and Seonghwa leaned back on the couch, exasperated. After a short moment, he shifted to lay down on the couch. He was tired… and if he was given this time…
Just as soon as Seonghwa closed his eyes, he was opening them again, sitting up. He didn’t have time to rest, he needed to learn the song, and be ready to help the others. He stood up, wobbling a little bit on his feet for a moment before creeping towards the door, peeking out slowly, only to see the hallway completely empty.
He felt like a thief, trying to escape into the night, when in reality, he was just an idol, trying to find another practice room for him to work in.
His body disagreed with the practice, and frankly, Seonghwa’s mind disagreed with it too. He didn’t want to be here, alone in the practice room, listening to the same song on repeat, sitting next to the speaker, trying to get the fuzziness to leave as he stared at nothing. Seonghwa closed his eyes for a long while, trying to breathe away the dizziness he was feeling, clenching his hands in an effort to warm them a little, the bass of their next comeback song practically rattling his bones.
When he opened his eyes again, Wooyoung was standing on the other side of the room, and Seonghwa jumped, a strangled sound caught in his throat.
“What the- how did you get there?” Seonghwa asked, scrubbing his eyes with his hands, trying to wake himself up a little. However, when he removed his hands, Wooyoung was gone.
Seonghwa blinked a few times.
“I’m really tired, huh,” he said to the empty room. With that, he peeled himself up off the floor, shutting off the music, wobbling a little, feeling unbelievably shaky. He glanced at the clock on his phone absentmindedly, only to have to do a double take, realizing that he’d spent far too long in the practice room.
He stumbled towards the exit, his mind fuzzing at the edges with his vision, and Seonghwa decided that he definitely should’ve stayed in the studio. Seonghwa pulled out his phone; sure, he’d get made fun of, and scolded, but he needed help. He could barely stand on his own and he needed to get back… and as if his day couldn’t get any worse, his phone was dead.
Sighing, Seonghwa knocked his head on the wall, sliding down until he was practically curled up against the mirror, wanting to cry, laugh, scream, anything and everything all at once. Defeat crashed over him in waves, even as he desperately tried to convince himself that he could walk home, that he could make it into the dorm and that he could pretend that nothing was wrong. He could barely lift his hand to scrub across his face. His eyes closed involuntarily for a moment, before he was able to force them open again. He was too tired for this. Running on too little sleep to think properly or even exist.
Come to think of it… Seonghwa couldn’t remember the last time he actually ate something, his brain cloudy and the feeling of nausea dancing through his body. His throat dried up as soon as he bothered to spare it a thought.
Great. He was sleep-deprived, hadn't eaten anything, and dehydrated. Seonghwa was mildly surprised he hadn’t shut down earlier, but that thought was quickly shut down by a shiver that wracked his frame. He let out a little chuckle at the irony of the situation, he was able to tell exactly when his members were eating, always made sure that they were well fed and drinking enough water, but he couldn’t take care of himself.
His “little chuckle” turned into something louder, until he was practically cackling at himself, for bringing himself down like this.
“Seonghwa?” came a voice down the hall, and Seonghwa opened his eyes again, not realizing that they had closed. His laughter died instantly. He should call back, tell them where he was, but for them to find him like this? A mess? Not taking care of himself? He couldn’t do it.
Slowly, the door to the practice room opened.
“Seonghwa?”
“Wha- hyung!”
Seonghwa was quickly shaken, and he opened his eyes again, to see San peering at him, very obviously concerned.
“Hyung, can you hear us?” he said, and Seonghwa’s eyes flicked to Mingi, who looked far too scared, standing behind him.
“I can,” he murmured, head wobbling from side to side a little bit.
“Okay. Okay, good. Can you stand?” San asked, and Seonghwa shook his head. His legs felt like jelly, or pudding, like he would collapse if he even tried to put weight on his feet.
“I’m going to get Hongjoong hyung,” Mingi said quickly, leaving the room, and San slid next to Seonghwa, still mostly in front of him, but also more to the side. Seonghwa’s brain felt foggy, like he was leaving the universe.
“Hyung?” San said quietly.
“Hm?” Seonghwa said, and San’s eyebrows furrowed together a little bit.
“Stay awake,” he whispered, gripping Seonghwa’s hand so tightly that it brought Seonghwa back down to earth a little.
“I am awake,” Seonghwa said, and San let out a little huff, obviously overwhelmed.
“He’s in here,” Mingi was yelling from down the hall, and Seonghwa smiled at San, sad.
“I’m sorry.” And he was.
At that moment, the band burst in through the doors, Hongjoong in the lead with Yunho on his heels and the rest following close behind.
“Seonghwa,” Hongjoong said, relief evident in his tone.
“Hey…” Seonghwa said, drawing out the last syllable.
“You really gave us a scare there,” he said, and Seonghwa closed his eyes a little.
“Didn’t mean to.”
“I know. Come on, let’s get you home.”
When they got home, Seonghwa was immediately sent to lie down on the couch, still mostly out of it, tired, dazed. He could barely keep track of who was where, too many people moving around too quickly.
“Seonghwa,” came a quiet voice, comforting, and he looked up. Hongjoong was peering at him seriously.
“Eat.” There was some kind of protein bar thrust into his hand, and he could hear the clanging of pots and pans in the background, probably Wooyoung in the kitchen. Seonghwa tried to stand up, only to be immediately pushed back down by Hongjoong.
“Wooyoung-”
“Can manage to make one meal with you in the kitchen,” he said, and Seonghwa shook his head.
“It’s my job- I have to-” he tried, once again trying to stand up.
“Okay. I’ll make a deal with you,” Hongjoong said, and Seonghwa looked up at him. “If you eat these two protein bars, and drink this whole bottle of water, then you’ll be allowed to sit in the kitchen. You cannot help, and if you start helping then you’re going to be kicked out, but at least this way you can make sure nothing goes wrong.”
After a long moment of thinking (who was he kidding, it took like three seconds, and it only took that long because Seonghwa’s brain was still hazy), Seonghwa nodded.
“Deal.”
Hongjoong passed him the second protein bar and the water bottle, and Seonghwa started working on them, only realizing how hungry he was when he bit into the bar, devouring them in a minute, jaw working hard to bite through the (probably) stale protein bar, washing it down with the water until everything was gone.
He felt more awake, and desperately wanted to move into the kitchen.
Hongjoong offered him a hand, and Seonghwa took it gratefully, hefting himself up and off the couch, wobbling on his feet a little, Hongjoong’s hands on his arms like an anchor.
“Hey, Sanie,” Hongjoong called as Seonghwa worked out his balance.
“Yes?” came his voice, and Hongjoong smiled.
“Can you put a chair in the corner of the kitchen for Seonghwa?” he asked.
“Yeah!” San said, scurrying off to do so as Hongjoong gently led Seonghwa in, turning him around to sit him down. Their band members were looking at the two of them, mostly Seonghwa, smiling lightly, but still concerned.
“Wooyoung?” Seonghwa said softly, and the younger boy looked at him eagerly.
“Yes hyung?”
“Your egg is burning,” he said, and Wooyoung’s eyes widened as he whirled around. San started laughing, and that caused a ripple effect throughout the entire kitchen until they were all laughing together. The moment filled Seonghwa with some kind of sweet happiness, too used to an empty kitchen early in the mornings.
Dinner was warm, and comforting, full of smiles and just… a sense of normalcy that Seonghwa hadn’t felt in too long. He ate his fill (and more, practically everyone at the table sneaking in an extra bite of food when they thought he wasn’t going to notice- Wooyoung going so far as to launch himself half-way over the table to plop a few extra noodles in his dish), and when he got ready for bed that night, he felt better than he had in weeks, loose in a good way, strong, but still tired.
Lying down, Hongjoong nearby, he felt so peaceful, sleep easily starting to pull at him. The tension oozed out of his shoulders in the soft sheets, stress that Seonghwa didn’t even realize he had been carrying, leaving.
“Hwa?” Hongjoong said, and Seonghwa turned a little, towards Hongjoong’s voice.
“Yeah?” he whispered.
“Don’t do that again, okay? Your health comes first,” Hongjoong said, his voice soft. Uneasy. Seonghwa nodded against his pillow, staring into the darkness of their room.
“I promise.”