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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE QUITE A MATCH IN STORE FOR YOU TODAY! A MATCH TO END ALL BOXING MATCHES, A FIGHT FOR THE AGES, YOU DON’T WANNA MISS THIS!
The crowds could barely contain themselves. This was shaping up to be a fight that no scientist or security guard had ever seen. It was now or never. The boxing ring was practically built for this moment alone.
The spotlights began to shine on one side of the ring, and the crowd all turned their heads in one direction.
ON ONE SIDE WE HAVE… THE ONE AND ONLY, FOUNDER AND UNDEFEATED CHAMPION OF THE BLACK MESA UNDERGROUND BOXING RING HIMSELF, THE INCOMPARABLE… UNBEATABLE… DOCTOR COOMERRRRR!
“Indeed that’s right, the one and only Doctor Coomer himself. You know Dale, I’m impressed to see him out and fighting, given everything going on. For those of you who haven’t heard, Coomer has been involved with quite a nasty divorce situation - I believe we covered this earlier on the Black Mesa Sports Network.”
“Indeed that’s right Jim, he’s been dealing with a lot of legal issues, mainly whether or not they’ll let him keep his wife. When asked for further comment, he simply said, quote, “For 2 PlayCoins™ I can tell you all about it.”, and then punched open a vending machine and drank all the sodas at once. We’ll keep you guys updated.”
The spotlights then moved to the other side of the room, and the crowd began cheering again. One fan could be heard, shouting “That lousy bitch owes me five dollars!”
AAAND ON THE OTHER SIDE WE HAVE… THE ONE PERSON THE COULD STAND A CHANCE AGAINST COOMER HIMSELF… THE ONLY ONE TO STAND A CHANCE AGAINST DOCTOR COOMER… WE HAVE ONE OF DOCTOR COOMER’S CLOOOOOOOONES!
“Man, Dale, I gotta say, I don’t even care who wins this fight, I’m just glad I got to be here. My guess is Clone Coomer is going to assume Manhack entity behavior and try to strike from above.”
“I think you’re right Jim, but let’s keep in mind here that whenever Coomer wins a fight, he can access the memories of people he defeated. That means that he’ll probably be prepared for anything the other challengers of his have tried.”
Both boxers made their way to the ring. The referee began explaining the rules, in his native language of SweetVoice. He started with red to yellow, which meant ‘Fight fair against your fellows’. The referee then continued with purple to green, which meant ‘Let’s keep this fight clean’. Finally he shouted from blue to green, which meant it was time to be mean, and the crowd went ballistic.
The real Coomer began throwing punches to keep his opponent away, while the clone just stood there. After about 30 seconds, the clone muttered to himself “Do you know who took all the donuts?” Coomer saw his opportunity. He managed to land a single punch that threw the clone out of the ring and across the room.
DOCTOR COOMER WINS AGAIN! IN A SINGLE PUNCH, HE MANAGED TO TAKE OUT ANOTHER CLONE! WILL HE EVER BE DEFEATED?
“Unbelievable Dale, just unbelievable. Doctor Coomer just might be invincible, that was the most powerful punch I’ve ever seen anyone make!”
“At this rate I think he’s on a roll to beat every single employee in Black Mesa, Jim. Hell, he could probably wipe out the entire US military if someone let him! Let’s take you to our reporter Harold, on the scene with Doctor Coomer now”
“Thank you Jim. Alright Coomer, you’ve been winning match after match, with no clear end in sight. How do you do it?”
Coomer was throwing more punches, some of them hitting Harold. “ONLY PAIN AND COMBAT WILL MAKE YOU STRON-” He abruptly paused. “Hello Harold!”
“Absolutely amazing. Is there anything you have to say to any remaining challengers out there?”
Coomer stopped punching and immediately fell to the floor, almost like a ragdoll would. “Harold, I’m terribly thirsty.”
“Isn’t that something? Alright, back to you Dale.”
“Well there you have it. A match to remember. Here’s to hoping we see Dr. Coomer again. Stay tuned for some post fight coverage, right after a word from our sponsor, Doctor Darnold’s Mixology Department.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor Coomer had just arrived at his office not long after winning his match. Normally his office would have been empty, but recently his divorce lawyer would stop by rather often. This was one of those times.
“Doctor Coomer, I’m glad to see you’re in good condition. Nice job back there in the ring. Unfortunately I have some bad news.”
Coomer was punching the lawyer much in the same way he was with Harold. The lawyer was stumbling on his words, trying to explain best what had happened.
“I’m afraid that during your fight, the court got back to me with an update. I’m afraid they’ve taken your wife. We did our best, but we weren’t able to win this one.”
Coomer continued punching. “I miss her every- HELLO LAWYER!”
“I have some paperwork to get done, so I’ll be on my way. Just thought I’d stop by and tell you in person.”
The lawyer sighed and left. It wasn’t always fun, this job. Hopefully Coomer wouldn’t lose anything else.
Coomer kept punching the air.