Work Text:
Tonight ?
It could be the night and maybe not. There was only one way to know and it was patience. Shen had plenty to spare so he wasn’t complaining. Why would he ? Potentially tonight Zed was going to sneak in here like he had done so many times before.
Enough times to see the pattern. He never told Shen when he planned to crash here to sleep and more if wanted but Shen wasn’t stupid and soon he had figured out more or less when he would have some silent visit from his old friend and dearest enemy.
It had taken time again, at the beginning it felt like Zed didn’t really know what he was doing – coming to what remained of the Kinkou only for a few hours in the dead hours of the night – but little by little he came to Shen more often, until it fell around one week between each occasions, only if the weather was good.
It’s a calm night, he should be able to come here.
Since there was some distance between where Zed’s order thrived and where Shen stayed, the trip was a little long, thus why Zed didn’t do it so often. Now it looked like one week was the maximum he could endure without any kind of contact.
Because that was what he came here for. He came for what Shen could offer.
The first time had been difficult, no one liked being sneaked on especially when sleeping and they had both gotten so annoyed at each other because it wasn’t easy to resume what had been so innocent and loving when they were young. A lot of blood and tears had poured since then and forgiveness had yet to be given. Even in the recent days Shen remained cautious about it, this light bitterness would never go away for good because betrayal still rang in his mind but so did love and he couldn’t forget that either.
They never did good without each other. So in the end, he came to look forward to Zed’s visits.
For once they could see each other without their issues – or at least these were put aside as some sort of truce for the night. A special time to hold each other and rest, sometimes to find pleasure but surprisingly, it wasn’t that often. On most nights, Zed came, undressed a minimum and slipped under Shen’s blanket to snuggle against him.
Just this, the need for contact and intimacy.
…I miss it too.
Shen always missed him, just like he missed the old days when they were more oblivious and he could easily pretend everything was fine. It wasn’t but at least they hadn’t done terrible things yet. All he wanted was to hold Zed before falling asleep, a small comfort in this cruel world. It would maybe have to wait a little though, some times ago Shen started giving him some food before they would actually go to sleep, since he wouldn’t want Zed to go hungry after going all the way here at night. The trip was long.
Change of side, Shen lied on his back instead, sighing.
Too early, I guess.
It was important to him so he tried not to fall asleep before Zed would potentially come but at the same time, Shen risked losing sleep on it. One time he even fell asleep accidentally and only woke up when Zed kissed him goodbye in the morning. That was sweet but Shen would rather be awake to enjoy their far too short time together.
Everything was so deathly silent. Since there was nothing except a small breeze running around, it made every noise stand out so at least he should hear Zed coming.
For once. On occasions he was discreet enough to startle Shen a little. Somehow Zed found that funny or it could be that he still tried to make Shen react. This had always been some sort of issue for Zed, the lack of visible reaction. It’s not like I can help it. Shen had been taught not to show anything, to stay neutral until the very end. To show affection and care was supposed to be too much already.
And now it made him think about his father. Please no, not now. Nothing better to kill the mood.
Wood creaked, betraying a new presence.
Oh, he’s here.
Shen moved on his side to see the door while these light steps came closer. It wasn’t like Zed was doing no effort at all. If anyone came here, it would be heard loud and clear. The door opened slowly like pushed by wind, except someone came in, like expected. With barely no light in that room at night, it looked like shadows creeping up in that far bedroom which worked well for Zed. He had chosen the shadows, after all.
There he was. Red eyes in darkness.
For a short time Zed didn’t move at all. Gauging the situation, like always. They could be both so careful even when it wasn’t needed. Neither would dare hurt each other now, nor betray again. Shen didn’t move from his sleeping position but he looked at Zed and Zed looked at him. Only the mask kept Shen from seeing his expression.
The momentum was broken, Zed started his small routine. First came off the mask, the scarf, the boots then enough clothes to be left bare chest. Too bad it was dark in here, Shen still liked seeing him without his shadows and armor. It was yet another proof of trust, although that one was so implicit : Zed trusted him enough to make himself vulnerable. Or I am no threat to him. That was true too. In both cases Shen was glad he could hold the man hidden behind many names and masks.
Enough.
In a quiet invitation, he opened his blanket for Zed to join him once he was done with his few clothes neatly put by the bed. Silent request or gentle favor. It went both ways.
« Come here. » Usually he wouldn’t have voiced it but Zed was taking too long, standing doing nothing at all.
Whatever had been going on in Zed’s mind, the invitation got him back to reality and at last he joined Shen under the blanket. Good… Now they could hold each other. It certainly was a sweet moment when Zed directly embraced him per his habit, never losing time dancing around the topic like he wasn’t there just for this. Shen was glad too, it was time to relax.
« Are you hungry ? I got some food if you need. »
Always out of genuine concern. Although Shen didn’t get an answer, nothing came to break silence between them.
Even less talkative than usual. Shen could say he was used to it but it made him worry in any case.
« What’s wrong ? »
« I’m not hungry. »
« Alright but I can tell something is wrong. Tell me ? »
Zed didn’t answer. At least that way it was clear there was something or he would have told Shen. They were past not telling each other. I thought. Meanwhile Zed shifted their hug a little so he could snuggle properly, Shen could feel his breath against his skin. Difficult to remain unaffected, he got a hand through white hair and caressed idly while he was free to do so.
« I’ve sent Kayn on a mission. »
Ah.
Not worth the fuss, it would seem. Except by going further than that. Shen didn’t see so often that young lad Zed had taken in years and years ago but from everything he had heard, Zed seemed to care a lot about him. He acted cold about it like he did with his order but long ago Shen had noticed the same kind of care that he had for Akali. At least I don’t pretend she doesn’t mean anything to me. I raised her too.
For Zed, it was slightly different. He acted like he was doing all of these kids a favor and that they owed them, only a cold leader. Kayn was his favorite, Shen saw it well. And just like with the other recruits from the Shadow Order, Zed acted like he wasn’t just another mother hen. Alright, Shen didn’t approve at all of Zed’s choices and methods and maybe he had some peculiar ways to teach his students but there were times like right now when he showed some kind of concern.
« He will be fine, you taught him well. »
As if that was some comfort. The kid had already gone on a near suicide mission in Noxus, Shen doubted he would just die.
It must remind him of that one time. Zed was proud but Zed worried too. He said he wasn’t supposed to care about a weapon but in fact, he did. It showed in that moment.
« …He better come back. »
« You know he will. »
To poke Zed about his worry would be dumb, this was the only place where he could express it to someone. Even without words. It was time for a small distraction so Shen changed their embrace a little and lifted Zed’s chin for a kiss. The point wasn’t just to busy him away from his worry but also to sate a very natural urge. At last they were together again.
Zed didn’t seem to mind, his hands went to Shen’s face and so was given reciprocity.
How eager… A little hypocritical of him to consider Zed’s enthusiasm while turning a blind eye on his own. No need to deny it, Shen had been waiting for this too. In the end, neither voices much most of the time about what they wanted but these nights were a nice occasion to relax and do what they wouldn’t be able to do elsewhere.
Like always, Zed took over the kiss. Was there even a day without him struggling for control ? Shen allowed all of it, fighting was out of question and honestly, he didn’t care as long as he got Zed to stay here. Even when Zed pushed him to lie on his back while he came on top of Shen.
Not much for sleeping, it would seem.
It’s fine. Looks like he needed that.
They never chatted much about what was going on for both of them, a way not to intrude too much on each other’s activities but that was double-edged, Shen rarely knew when there were issues with Zed. He trusted him enough not to die until next occasion but that was all, nothing else.
The kiss ended after a delightfully long time, making them a little short on air but this wasn’t their focus at all.
Zed stayed right above him, eyes locked on his.
This wasn’t odd at all, Shen was used to the silent gazes. However he was nicely surprised when Zed leaned down for another kiss and made this one a lot softer than the previous biting one. A sweet touch. There was barely no innocent sweetness for them since their teenhood but Shen was able to relish this while it last. Zed still had the lead but didn’t use it to its full potential, taking it slow to explore each other.
In such position it could have almost led to another intimate time for pleasure but Shen believed this wasn’t the right mood. It was much more quiet and careful, no matter how careless Zed acted on top of him. Shen only felt warm skin under his palms, none of the urgency that guided them both when desperation was too great.
Maybe this was the most honest and vulnerable Zed would ever get.
When he ended that kiss, all of his attention came back on Shen. The lack of light couldn’t completely hide that unfazed gaze. It could be almost funny compared to the silent affection Zed offered just before but better not point this out.
Then it was over. Zed let himself fall softly on his side so he wasn’t fully resting on top of Shen – he kept the same kind of contact but was now snuggled up to his side instead, head resting against Shen’s chest.
Time to sleep, I guess.
It was comfortable enough to rest and Zed looked like he wasn’t going to move any time soon, holding Shen for the night.
« Goodnight. » Just to be polite. There were some nights Shen was all alone so he liked speaking even a little while he had Zed to listen.
« Goodnight. »
Last window of action before sleep, Shen didn’t want to miss it and so he pressed a last kiss to Zed’s hair, close enough to his forehead.
In returned he earned a faint huff, soon followed by a much less annoyed kiss over his neck. Now Shen could hope for peaceful sleep, he had Zed tightly against him with the firm intention of staying so the night could only be good.
~
…I should go.
Soon morning would come and with it sunlight. Zed preferred to get up before that, right before dawn when he could still use some of the darkness to quietly come back to his order.
Now he was awake and it felt pretty dark in here so he was glad, he wasn’t late. As he regained awareness, Zed registered the broad and warm presence by his side, a strong arm slung over him to keep him close.
Hmm. Clingy.
Only in his sleep did Shen got like that and only with Zed although they would never know otherwise. Zed was used to it, he did feel a little small in bed when held so protectively but it was cute. Very objectively cute. Some things never changed, that was a relief. Shen was always like that even when Zed tried to sneak in his bed when they were kids. Sometimes it felt like unless he woke him up, he would never be able to ‘escape’.
…I wish I could stay a little longer.
It took a while to admit that and it hurt at that time. However Zed didn’t have any choice.
Technically, he could stay here and he guessed that Shen wouldn’t say anything to him – he too was stubborn but clearly happy when Zed came here. Though Zed couldn’t stay, it didn’t feel right. They weren’t supposed to go back to what they had before. It felt a little like pretending some things never happened.
We’re supposed to hate each other.
As far as everyone knew, they did but Zed couldn’t let go and he always came back to Shen in the dark hours of the night.
If they hated each other, why were they right here, sharing a bed and comfort for a few hours ?
Zed already had the answer but he never voiced it. Better show it in gestures and actions.
He had to move soon before dawn came. Let’s wake him up.
Usually Shen could be a light sleeper. Usually. Somehow it changed when he spent the night with Zed, which could be explained by a reckless sentiment of safety when Zed was around. Foolish. He too considered that setting safe but past him would have hated to know that Shen didn’t even consider him a threat. Almost an insult. And yet Zed couldn’t help but find that endearing in its own way.
Fuck you, you idiot. Thought strongly while he caressed Shen’s face. It was so easy to lie to himself and to deny everything but it was always longing that guided his hand over the latter’s face.
« Shen. »
All of this was his fault for making him feel so much.
Zed shook him a little too gently, ready to claim that mouth as soon as Shen woke up. Waking was such a peculiar time because he could see Shen without his worries and damned composure. Zed kept a hand in red hair and tried harder though never being too rough.
« Wake up, I have to go. »
« Ngh… Oh, hello. » Voice so sleepy but now Shen was awake, looking up to the source of this ‘disruption’.
There wasn’t even the time to say anything, Zed was already kissing him. Somehow it felt easier to indulge when Shen wasn’t completely aware and in control. He was just waking up so his reaction could be so much more genuine and kind. Zed was ready to deny it but he relaxed when his kiss was answered and Shen held him closer.
In the early morning with barely any noise except some birds chirping outside. The closest to peace they would get.
I’ve got to go now. Before it was too late and he would doubt this decision.
Ending a kiss wasn’t supposed to hurt but there were a few things that managed to make him feel pain. It wasn’t even reasonable because Zed knew himself, soon he was going to need more again and so he would come back here. Like he always did.
So there was no use in feeling so slightly sad when he had to move away and Shen’s hand was still against his face from the previous affection. The most Zed could do was a small pause, sharing a gaze that told enough.
« Goodbye. »
No ‘I’ll see you next time’ and other similar phrasing, Zed couldn’t afford it. Denial wasn’t pretty but he didn’t want to say that this was a real habit now, that no matter what he would try to find time to come like the needy idiot he could be.
Shen knew too. Now fully awake, he didn’t say a thing but his eyes told as much. He simply stroked Zed’s cheek until he wouldn’t be in reach.
So quiet and peaceful. Zed turned a blind eye to that but he enjoyed it silently. Then he moved away, it was time to get his mask and scarf, everything before he could leave. It was another routine, always the same moves and always the same methods while he knew Shen had sat up in his bed and watched him do.
Last, the mask. It was time.
« Be careful out there. » Right when Zed reached the door, about to go.
Always that care. He glanced at Shen, making a short gesture before he left.
Back to his order. And back to worrying a little. Hopefully he would hear from Kayn, he still had time but it kept Zed up more than he liked to admit.
…He should be fine.
The comfort of the latest minutes lingered on his mind, it was worth the trip.